Sex, Drugs, and Oblivian

9/21


Maze held her stick of meat over the barracks' hearth, listening to the flesh sizzle. The Lilim around her grumbled. Every day followed the same routine. Wake, eat a breakfast of nearly rotting, low-grade meat. If there was time, a round of dice would get played. After shift they brawled. If the fight was stimulating, they had sex. It wasn't a bad routine. The camaraderie she found since she'd moved Lucifer out to the dome reminded her of her days spent with hunting parties so long ago.

The guard work never changed. Maze took the outermost post. It was a position normally reserved for the least experienced of warriors, but she didn't complain. It was a test, as these things always were. Anilith wanted to humiliate her. The Soverain could try. Mazikeen wasn't going to take the bait. There was no humiliation in fulfilling a duty, and she wasn't going to insult her fellow wall-guards by insinuating their work was beneath her.

At first she'd been wary of spies from the Spire reporting back to Anilith. She'd hurried Lucifer along, dragging him out on the wall with her as soon as the winds died down and staying until the last moment when they picked up. She'd been a fool to think she mattered enough for the Soverain to spare more than a cursory check, and looking back, there were many things she wished she'd done differently.

It had been too hard on Lucifer. He wasn't used to the ash the same way Lilim were, but she'd been unwilling to leave him alone so soon after Anilith's stunt with the tribute. The Soverain could have had plans, and Mazikeen hadn't been willing to take the risk. But exposing Lucifer to so much ash held its own pitfalls. Even wearing a scarf, the cough he developed sounded too close to ash-lung.

It didn't matter where they were, though—on the wall or in the barracks—he refused to look at her. He barely spoke to her. She had to order him into the sleeping bunk each night, and once in, he did his best to not touch her. Of course he resented her; she'd lost his trust. She failed to protect him from Anilith's manipulations. She couldn't even protect him from the sleep-wandering terrors. It was no small wonder that he wanted as little to do with her as possible.

And then there were the other wall-guards. Mazikeen had to give them credit for trying. But Lucifer stubbornly refused to bite back to their overtures of fellowship. Lucifer's standoffish attitude had only made them try harder and harder to show him they were willing to accept him.

Removing Lucifer to a dome outside the barracks had been for his own good. The sleep wandering had never been a problem in a dome, and he was out of the ash. Every sleep she spent alone in her bunk, she missed him. Every mentor has a hard time letting the whelp they've trained go alone into battle. Lucifer wasn't a whelp, but similarly, every time she visited the dome, it hit her all over again that Lucifer didn't need her anymore.

At least she had her vow to fall back on. No matter how self-sufficient Lucifer was, she was still responsible for him in the eyes of the Spire, and that excused the visits she made to check up on him. Not that he was ever there. The last few times she'd stopped by, the hearth had been cold. How long had it been since she'd actually seen him? Two hands of ashfalls? Three? A few ashfalls had become the norm between, but it had never stretched this long before. She shouldn't leave him alone so often, but everything was so much simpler in the barracks.

Every ashfall of guard duty was an exercise in monotony. She had her leather crafting, and it did allow her to focus on the work, but this enforced idleness was a slow death. Collective life dulled Lilim. They weren't meant to live confined within walls. If the guard-chief wasn't willing to be bribed with finished pieces to keep supplying the raw materials she needed to craft, she'd lose her mind. Work adorned with decorative details were the easiest to trade, and she tried not to resent painstakingly working a battle scene into a belt that would never be worn by a warrior.

When she finished, she placed the belt into the back compartment of her pack. The guard-chief got the bulk of what she made, but she saved the best pieces for Lucifer. She clenched her fists. She should spend more time in the dilapidated little dome with him. She wanted to be with him, but being around him made her insides ache. She looked at the dome and saw failure and a reason to despair. Much the same as what Lucifer must see when he looked at her.

Lucifer had made the dome his own, despite its dilapidated state. He swept and dusted and cleaned better than she had in her dome. They'd left behind most of the comforts, but Lucifer had cleverly built it back up. He did as good as any Lilim male could be expected. Better, considering he wasn't even Lilim.

What did it say about her, when even her guard-mate, Grian, saw more of Lucifer than she did? He'd told her all about it hands of ashfalls ago before he'd been transferred to another barracks.

"There's this thing he does with his thumb and his finger that-"

"Will you shut the fuck up about fucking Lucifer?" she growled, again.

"You should hear the things he's told me about you!" Grian grinned and then let out a surprised squeak as Mazikeen jumped on top of him.

As a partner Grian didn't have a lot of skill, but at least he'd stopped talking for as long as she kept him occupied. It burned to think Grian had that connection to Lucifer now that she'd lost it. But, thanks to Grian, she knew Lucifer still frequented The Leviathan's Pit—and he earned coin for his talents there. The coin to be had at the Pit would never amount to much—only throwbacks were allowed to frequent the place—but the loyalty they showed to any they deemed acceptable eased her worry.

So, when she went to the dome and Lucifer wasn't there, she knew there was no cause for alarm, even with this long gap.

It felt wrong. All of it. Maze clenched her fists. She didn't want to stay away. It didn't have to be like this, did it? Maybe there was a way to fix it? To fix them. She missed his company. She missed the way things had been before.

And so, she planned for her next free ashfall. She'd let her vow to Anilith interfere with her duty to Lucifer for too long. She was responsible for him, was she not? Whether he liked it or not, she had an obligation to take care of him. It was a good excuse.

Mazikeen rushed to Lucifer's dome after her last shift before her free ashfall.

She was going to fix this. This awkwardness between them didn't have to continue. Even if he wasn't there, she could do some repairs, wait for him to return. Show him she wasn't backing off.

The door flap hung loose. That wasn't right. Had someone trespassed on their dome? Maze pulled it back slowly, cautious, and entered with her knife in hand.

But what greeted her was very different than what she'd been expecting. Lucifer lay sprawled on the floor near the bedroll, his body uncovered. Maze crouched at his side, checking for injuries. There were scratches and welts on his skin and small bruises scattered over his body, including around his throat. His skin was cool to the touch.

"Lucifer?"

He didn't stir, and her heart started racing. The only other time she'd felt his skin so cool had been when she claimed him from under the Spire. Dread filled her. What happened? Was he sick? Seriously injured? She rolled him over and placed her hand on his chest, feeling for a heart beat. There it was, steady and strong. Some of the tension within her released.

But then what had happened to him?

The hearth was cold. There was no warmth, not even in the ashes. How long had it been out? The moss basket for the fire was nearly empty, but she grabbed a handful and sparked a flame. Perhaps that would help warm him up.

She shook his shoulder. "Lucifer?" No response. She tapped his face and he moaned, his eyes fluttering open.

"Maze?"

"Did someone attack you?"

He frowned a moment before looking down at his chest. "No."

She grabbed a blanket and tossed it over him, but he made a face and pulled it off.

"You need to warm up," she said, pushing the blanket at him again, but he batted her arm away as he sat up.

"It's too coarse," he complained. His voice was rough.

"A cloak then," and she pulled off her own to drape over him, but he shivered and pushed that off as well.

"Maze, no, I'm fine."

"Fine?" She looked around the dome. She'd been too preoccupied with checking on him to really take it in before now. "You left the door flap untied. There's ash everywhere. The hearth was cold."

"So?"

"This isn't like you, Lucifer."

"You're never here anymore. How would you know?"

She paused. He took pride in his dome. "You despise when there's ash in our dome."

He shrugged, sitting before the hearth as the heat of the fire warmed the dome. He kept shivering, but refused to wrap in anything. "I'm tired. I'll sort it out later."

Even the pot had ash and dried porridge in it. The residue was caked in as though it had been left like that for a long time. Did he have any provisions? She got up and checked their supplies. There was a beetle in the ooze fungus jar. And the meat hanging on the wall was far past being edible. "When's the last time you went to the market?"

"I've been eating elsewhere."

"The Leviathan's Pit isn't your home."

He frowned, looked ready to correct her for a moment, and then sighed. "This isn't either."

Mazikeen tensed. "This is my dome, and you belong here with me."

He stiffened, his shoulders drawing together, and for a moment she hoped it meant he'd bite back like he used to, but instead he drew in a breath and released the tension without facing her. Besides the bruises and scratches and lost weight, he was pale. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and his curls were lank and unwashed.

He needed food, and there wasn't time to arrange to go to the market and get something better. She wiped the cooking pot as best as she could, rinsed it and poured fresh water from her flask and set it over the fire to boil. There was enough mixed fungus left in various jars for a couple of meals, she dumped everything together in the boiling water.

Lucifer stirred the water until it grew thick. She set down a couple of bowls and poured out two portions. They sat in silence, eating together. He picked at the food, only eating half his portion before pushing it away.

"You need to eat more."

He rubbed his stomach and eyed the food warily. "I'm full, Maze." He yawned and shifted to lay down again. What was that smell?

She checked outside, the wind hadn't risen yet. She gathered up bathing supplies. "Up you get, Lucifer."

He looked from her to the supplies and sighed dramatically, but stood up. "A bath?"

"You reek of wet sandals."

He met her gaze at last and she thought he would argue, but his chin dropped and he acquiesced without a word. She'd been backing off when he reacted like this, but obviously that tactic had failed. He threw on some loose clothing, not bothering with ties or clasps. Even his sandals were sloppy, and she knew by now he was as good at tying them as anyone. "Come with me."

She opened the door flap and held it until he walked through. He stood waiting, still shivering, but fell in a step behind her. At the bathing dome, he took off the few clothes he wore and stepped into the tub.

Mazikeen diverted the hot water from nearer the source of the spring into the basin he sat in. The shivering slowed, he sighed, and his eyes drifted closed.

"How long has it been since you bathed?"

"Don't remember," he murmured.

She picked up a pitcher and dunked it in the hot water, poured it slowly over his hair. She rubbed his scalp with soap, getting the ash out, letting the curls in his hair twist around her fingers. The soap came next, she rubbed it onto the sponge and stroked it over his skin.

He tensed, breath catching as fine lines appeared around his mouth.

She stopped, and regarded him closely. She caught his jaw in her hand and raised his chin. "Open your eyes and look at me."

He did, blinking slowly.

She hadn't forgotten to light a candle. Why was he having trouble steadying his eyes? "What did they give you?"

"Everything I asked for," he said tiredly.

She ran a finger over one of the deeper scratches on his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut, both squirming to get away and stimulated by it all at once. She removed her hand and rubbed his arm instead. "Tell me who did this and I'll—"

"Maze… no."

She wanted to hurt those who hurt him, why would he object? Didn't he trust her to defend him? It took effort to bite back the harsh response on the tip of her tongue. She picked up the sponge again, and continued scrubbing him but with a softer touch. The trick was to get him to talk, bring back some normalcy between them. Then, perhaps, she could get him to tell her who she needed to remind that she was still Mazikeen. "Tell me about the Pit, Lucifer."

He smiled to think of it. "The vendor took me the first time…" he started, and Maze listened. He told her all about the vendor, and about the many Lilim who wanted him. How much he enjoyed being there, the interesting features like fangs and tentacles. Oh, the things they could do with tentacles.

She listened to it all as he told her everything, though much of what he said was jumbled, the pieces not fitting together perfectly. His tone changed to something closer to the terrible night-wanderings he'd had before. "There's a shadow," he said. "I can't get away."

He was becoming nonsensical, but at least he wasn't shivering anymore. The water was gray with ash residue, but he didn't smell of smoke and sweat anymore.

"Up, come on. Let's get back." She dragged him up and he swayed on his feet. She didn't bother with the chiton and belt, just wrapped a cloak around him and quickly tied the sandals to his feet. He made no protest at being coddled. This reminded her of when she'd first taken care of him after claiming him from the Spire, and she hoped, too, that it reminded him he could trust her. She'd take care of him if he let her.

It wasn't far to get back to the dome. The fire in the hearth was still strong. The air was warm. She undressed him and helped him lay on his bedroll beside the fire. He closed his eyes and went to sleep immediately.

Maze lay down beside him and stroked his hair. She wasn't sure yet what she was going to do with him, but she had no doubt she was going to have to do something.

Lucifer slept through the entire wind cycle and well into the next ashfall. Maze worked on making an inventory of the provisions they'd need. Of repairs that needed to be done to the dome to keep it habitable. She didn't like how the ash blew in under the door flap, nor the draft coming from a crack in the roof. Lucifer should have mentioned the dome needed repairs. Didn't he even trust her to maintain the upkeep?

It wouldn't be the best breakfast, but she scrounged up what she could from the remaining fungus jars to make a meal. Except the purple jellydiscs. Why did they even have that? Neither of them liked it.

"Lucifer," she shook him until he stirred. "I want you to eat now."

He sat up sluggishly, yawned, and held out his hand for the bowl. Good start. They ate together in silence, and she set aside the bowls after.

"Show me your wings, Lucifer."

He looked up at her in surprise for a moment, face hardening into grim lines. But he did as she asked. He stood up and rolled his shoulders, and his wings emerged from what seemed to be nowhere. The dome was small, so he kept them flexed close to his back.

Maze sighed. The brilliant white had dulled to gray. The feathers looked…clumpy, and the spot where he'd extracted the large feather to give Anilith was still only a spine. It had barely grown at all since the last time she'd seen it. She remembered how mangled his wings and feathers had been when she first met him, and then how much worse they were after Anilth was done with him.

She reached out and trailed a hand along the feathers. "They're not doing well."

He frowned and shrugged his shoulders to hide them away. "I'm fine." There was anger in his voice.

"You're not fine. Why can't you see that?"

He stared at her, his eyes growing dark before they turned red. "And you know what's best for me, is that it?"

She snorted. "I'm responsible for taking care of you."

"I can take care of myself. I'm not helpless."

She gestured around the dome. "Really? Does this look capable to you?"

"What do you care?"

"It's my duty. You're mine to safeguard."

"I haven't forgotten," he responded, voice tight.

"Then let me take care of you." Didn't he see that she wanted to help him? That he could still trust her, despite her failure to protect him at the Spire.

"I don't want you here because it's your duty. I don't need a handler."

Handler? That's all he thought of her as? Blood rushed in her ears, her vision became narrow. She grabbed his wrist and spun him around to face her. "You think I treat you like I'm your handler? I could, if that's what you want."

"And do what? Are you going to lock me in your dome so I can't leave?" His voice rose in volume, in anger. "Are you going to bind me so I can't escape?"

"I should." She tightened her grasp on his wrist.

Flames licked his body, turning his skin scarred and pitted. She didn't let go. They stared each other down, neither willing to be the first to look away.

They could have stayed like that for much longer, but Lucifer's skin changed again, smoothing out, fitting back into the glamour. Mazikeen released him.

He stood his ground, facing her head on. No more looking down or controlling his voice. This was the fire in him Maze had longed for. But she needed to take back control first. He was hers, and she wasn't going to let anyone take him from her, not even him. "No more going to the Pit."

He glared.

"You're to stay here. I'll go to the market and replenish our supplies."

"No."

Maze clenched her jaw. "No?"

He nodded. "No. I'm not going to be your prisoner."

"I've never treated you like a prisoner."

"What's this then?"

"Look around you. Look at yourself. I'm doing my job."

He had the audacity to look smug as he said, "As my handler."

"You stubborn slug drizzle." The anger within her felt so overwhelming she was surprised she wasn't shaking. "After everything I've done for you… Do as I say, Lucifer."

"I won't." He over-enunciated it, emphasizing the way he knew annoyed her from the months he'd spent around the whelps. His skin remained smooth but his eyes were bright red.

She stood up and went to her belongings, reaching deep into her bag. If he thought she treated him like a handler would, then why shouldn't she? Apparently nothing they'd gone through together meant anything to him. So what was stopping her?

At the bottom was the binding cord. She could feel the power emanating from it. She could tie one end around his wrist, the other secure to the dome. Lucifer would have no choice but to remain. The cord's magic would work against him, hold him for as long as she wanted it to.

She looked back at him watching her.

And she let go of the cord.

"This is wrong, Lucifer," she sighed and turned around. This had already escalated out of control. She needed to stop before she did something she couldn't undo.

He turned away from her.

Mazikeen reached for Lucifer's shoulder, but pulled her hand back before touching him. Anger flooded through her. Anger at him, at Anilith, at herself, she wanted to shake him until everything was back to the way it used to be. But force had never solved anything with Lucifer, and that was all she had in her right now. Leaving was the best thing she could do for both of them.

Maybe he was right. She needed to back off, give him some space. She knew he had friends at the Leviathan's Pit. Maybe he'd turn to one of them for help.

"I don't know how to fix this. I'm not sure it can be fixed," she muttered to herself and ducked through the dome. She tied the flap securely and stalked away.

Several of the guards greeted her when she returned. Quizzical looks were exchanged, but no words said. Everyone knew it was better to gossip and speculate in secret than to ask questions in the open. She strode directly to the resident commons. A group of five lilim guards sat around betting on a dice game. She growled low in her throat and they turned to her. A grim smile parted her lips and she bared her teeth. They grinned back, standing up, ready.

This was what she needed. At her first blow to her fellow wall guard landed and he staggered back, spitting blood and laughing, she finally felt some of the tension ease from her shoulders.

She'd figure things out. She could go back after this, find out what Lucifer needed, fix it.

And yet she didn't. Even after the bloody fight, and joining in after for another round of dice, she was no closer to knowing what to do than she had been before.