She's caught in a loop of pain and destruction. Worlds withering to nothing before her eyes. Her body breaking. Children separated from their parents. Hot metal soldering itself to her limbs. Rows upon rows of sterilised bubbles filled with frozen lives. Krypton exploding. The ground disappearing underneath her feet. Krypton exploding, again. A tiny, tiny pod rocketing through space. A voice, emotionless and cold ; "Remember, Kara Zor-El, I'll come collect you too."

Kara gasps awake, prickly air rushing into her lungs and head buzzing with an assault of forgotten information. She tries to will all this knowledge away, tries to forget again how much she killed, how much she took away from entire worlds ; but it's no use, she's a monster and her master is coming for her. She's lived an entire other life and it's imprinted in her again, the knowledge of who she is now completely impossible to ignore. "What have I done ?" she whispers, "Rao what have I done ?"

"It's okay Kara," a familiar voice says. "It's okay."

She's tired of these words. They're pointless, hollow. Nothing will ever be okay again.

Her head hurts so bad she feels like her heart is beating in it and the pain blurs the edges of her vision.

"Make it stop," she croaks. "Please make it stop."

Someone sighs, with the way the short breath is released she thinks it's Alex, and a couple of seconds later, everything fades to black.

When she wakes up again, she's in complete darkness and pleasantly numb. By the non-look of it, it might be night time ; or maybe everyone's finally decided to give up on her. A comfortable weight shifting on top of her clues her in to the fact that she isn't alone. A long hand slips under her shirt to absentmindedly stroke her collarbone. It's slightly calloused yet so so soft, and this, as well as the fresh smell of white flowers that fills her nose with her next breath, identifies the body as Lena's. Kara breathes in slowly, revelling in her girlfriend's presence at her side. Lena keeps the bad thoughts away, and she could almost forget everything. But when she goes to wrap her arms tighter around her, reality slams back into her like a thousand tons fret train.

She's missing an arm.

She's missing an arm because she tore it off when she tried to kill Lena.

She tried to kill Lena.

Why is Lena still here ? Why is she sleeping peacefully with her like she isn't the worst creature in the universe ? Why is she here with her like nothing happened, like Kara didn't try to kill her and successfully killed hundred of thousands of others ? Why are there other hearts resting in this room with her like she isn't about to snap and kill them all, like she isn't dangerous ?

She tries to lift Lena off herself with her arm but her girlfriend immediately snaps awake her heart rate rocketing in fear. Good, she should be afraid.

"Get off me," Kara pleads urgently. "Get off me. I don't want to hurt you."

Thankfully Lena complies, and Kara promptly clenches her fist around the thin sheets in a feeble attempt to control herself. She could kill her. She almost did.

Harsh lights are turned on and Kara finds the room packed with people. Alex is right next to her, her hand on the light switch. Kelly is half asleep in an armchair, Alex's sweater imprinted on her cheek. Brainy and Nia are waking up in another, their hands untangling hastily. The air is too thick to breathe.

"You need to get out. Please get out. I don't want to kill any of you."

"You're not going to kill anybody Kara," Alex says gently. She brushes a few sweaty strands from her forehead and Kara recoils away from her hand. She doesn't understand how anyone would want to touch her.

"Are you going to lock me up ? Please lock me up. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"There's no need for that. We took care of it. Lena and Brainy fixed it, you're safe now."

"I killed people."

"We know," Alex says, her voice much too soft.

"No you don't know ! I killed people. Thousands. Hundred of thousands."

"We know," Alex repeats quietly. "Brainy was in your mind. He saw it. But it's not your fault. It wasn't you. You know that, right ?"

"It was me Alex. I did it. Willingly."

"Someone did something sick to you," her sister says, her tone harder through her gritted teeth. "It's not your fault."

"Stop saying it wasn't my fault !" Kara shouts, her words tearing out of herself with enough strength that they hurt.

"I don't know what else to say to make it okay," Alex whispers, her words almost lost in the deafening thundering of hearts.

"There's no making this okay. It's never going to be okay."

Alex doesn't answer. Instead she climbs into bed with her, pushing with all her body weight when Kara tries to bat her away. Something wet seeps through her t-shirt, she doesn't know if these are her sister's tears or her own pooling down her face ; neither of them point it out. After a while, Lena climbs back in bed with them and this is how Kara falls back asleep, pulled away from consciousness by exhaustion and a warmth she doesn't know how to push away.

Kara is startled awake what feels like only a few seconds later by a debilitating nightmare and bone freezing cold. She yelps, sitting up in a jump when she realises Alex and Lena are no longer sleeping with her. With her arm she search around for them, trying to get rid of the terrible vision of everyone frozen behind glass forever.

Her x-ray vision picks up a lone figure in the room and the sight locks her body in fight or flight mode. She's ready to pounce, her missing arm be damned, when the lights are turned on, their buzz feeling her ears to the brim.

It's only J'onn.

The Martian pads closer to her with an expressionless face. "I sent everybody home for a shower and a change of clothes," he says when he reaches her armless side. "They really needed it," he adds with a light chuckle.

"Good," Kara groans. "They shouldn't be near me. You shouldn't either."

"They're coming back soon," J'onn says, his green face splitting in a honest smile. "Your family wants to be at your side."

Tenderly, he adds a heavy blanket on top of her, its warmth seeping all the way into her cold bones.

"Please," Kara whispers, dread dripping in her guts, "tell me you didn't call Eliza."

"I did. She's on her way right now, and I've arranged for a security detail to pick her up from the airport."

"She can't be here."

"You deserve to be surrounded by good people Kara."

"She can't be here !" Kara repeats with urgency. "Someone's coming for me. She can't be around. You should all leave !"

"No one is leaving," J'onn replies with finality. "Brainy used your leftover code to pinpoint Brainiac's location. We have time to get ready and to get you somewhere safe."

"I'm not leaving," Kara says, trying to replicate J'onn's tone. "He did this to me. I should be allowed to face him."

"You're right," J'onn says softly. "You should be allow to face Brainiac. You should be allowed to take down the person who tortured and brainwashed you. But we should also have a back up plan to get you out of here if you were to become a liability."

J'onn's words surprise her so much that for a good minute, all Kara can do is open and close her mouth like a dying fish out of water. "Thank you," she whispers finally. "Thank you for not hiding this from me."

"Honesty is a core value."

Kara nods. As she does so, a few strands of hair fall in her eyes and when she goes to push them away, her absent right arm does not respond. "This is so messed up. I should have died on Krypton."

"And I should have died on Mars," J'onn says. "Second chances are here for a reason. Even if you were forced to take a detour."

"Do you think I'll ever be alright again ?" Kara asks in such a small voice that she wonders if she talked at all.

"I believe in your heart and in your strength Kara. You can get through this."

Kara herself isn't sure that she believes in this. But it still is good to hear these genuine words, to feel their warmth, to be wrapped in the soft blanket of their reassurance. She doesn't even know how to begin to process this, how she can understand and accept this new reality. Part of her is relieved, she thinks, to know that she technically isn't a Worldkiller ; but the other part, the part that can't stop thinking about what she did, about how much of her is really her and how much is metal and circuits is much too close to losing it again.

Then there's the fact that she did died with her parents, with Argo City, with Krypton. There's the fact that she did suffer the same fate as her people only to end up part girl, part machine, and complete agent of chaos and destruction. She thinks about what she saw, what she remembered, the missing moments and forgotten dreams that slammed back into her because they weren't dreams at all.

She's disgusted with herself.

She thinks about how all she's ever wanted was to help, was to be a bringer of hope ; and all she ended up being is a harbinger of death, on this planet, and countless others. There's no coming back from that.

For the second time since she stepped into the shower, Kara slips. She manages to hover at the last second to avoid breaking anything but it still leaves her feeling dizzy and out of sort. She wasn't expecting for any of this to be easy but up until know she's always taken pride in her body and strength and now, now she's just broken, weak, unbalanced. The soap escapes her grasp and she goes after her it with her missing arm, cursing when she slips again and her left hand leaves a large indent in the tiled wall.

"If I come in," Lena asks tentatively from behind her, "will you let me help ?"

"I don't deserve your help," Kara snaps a bit harsher than she wants to.

Lena sighs tiredly. "Don't be daft."

There's a ruffling sound followed by a small tap as she presumably removes her shoes and a moment later she steps inside the shower. Kara suddenly feels very aware of her scarred and naked body.

"I'm going to put my hand on your shoulder," Lena says. "Is that okay ?"

Kara mumbles an affirmation and expects Lena to take hold of her left shoulder, but what she feels is a firm and unafraid hand on her stump.

"How can you do that ?" Kara forces herself to handle the touch, but it's so foreign that she can't repress a shudder.

"I care about you," Lena replies like it's that simple. "You're important to me."

"But..."

"Sure," Lena cuts as she starts rubbing the tension away from Kara's taut muscles, "this isn't what I was expecting when I first met you, but honestly I was also not expecting you to like me back so..."

"How can you be so calm ?" Kara asks, her fist tightening in barely contained frustration.

A weak, sad, chuckle escapes Lena. "I think my brain's broken," she whispers. "I don't know how to deal with any of this. I don't know how to process it, how to understand it, but I do know that I never want to lose you."

"I'm a killer," Kara spits. She knows she's rehashing the same thing again and again, but nobody around her seems to understand that this is her new reality and it's important. She killed people, she's a murderer.

Lena stops kneading her shoulders for a second before she goes on with as much fervour as before. "Yes," she says, "you did kill people. If I go by what Brainy said, you killed more than you even know. But someone else made you do it." She stops, her hand tightening hard around Kara's bicep. "Someone tweaked your good heart to make you into something you weren't and you can't blame yourself for that. Someone took agency over your twelve years old body to turn you into a weapon. That can't possibly be your fault Kara."

"But if I don't think of myself as a killer then I don't," Kara whispers, her words heavy and hard to say. She isn't sure she wants to speak anymore, the act of doing so taking a toll on her already battered body and mind. "I don't know who I am anymore. I have all this blood on my hands and I didn't even know it was there and if that doesn't make me a killer then what does that make me ?"

"You are Kara Danvers," Lena replies with all the simplicity in the world.

"I don't know who that is. It's not good enough anymore."

"It's the life you built on Earth regardless of what happened to you. And if it's not enough for you, it can be enough for all of us, we'll support you until you find yourself again."

"But it happened," Kara bites back. "All of this happened !" Lena tenses behind her and Kara forces herself to take a deep breath and calm down. She bites back a sob, her tears getting lost in the shower stream. "And a huge part of who I am is built on falsehoods. On survivor's guilt for being put in a pod I was never put in in the first place ! I died Lena. Died ! And then I came back as a half robotic monster and when I wasn't evil enough I was sentenced to the Phantom Zone with nothing but false memories for company !"

"Did you hear what you just said ?" Lena asks softly, her words barely covering the falling water.

"I..."

"You weren't evil enough," she continues. "You are not evil."

These words are the one that finally break her, and as a low wail escapes her, Kara allows herself to feel the deep painful sadness that has been clutching at her heart since she woke up. It claws its way out and Kara both feel like she can breathe again and like everything is collapsing around her. She bawls her ache out, weeps her loss, drawing it from a bottomless pit. Tenderly, Lena turns her around until she can collapse into her gentle arms and they tumble to the floor. She knows there might be bruises involved for Lena, but just this once, she hopes she won't mind ; the shower stream is hot on her back and Lena's arms are warm around her, and she doesn't feel okay, not at all, but she feels safer. She cries until she doesn't have a single tear left in her body and Lena doesn't let go. She keeps on holding her, strong and unwavering, not minding her wet clothes and the hard tiles underneath her.

"I don't know what to do..."

"Nothing," Lena whispers, pushing away the short strands plastered to her forehead to lay a soft kiss there. "For now, just do nothing."

When Kara and Lena get back to the room, Eliza has arrived. She's sitting on the bed, an arm around Alex's shoulders while her daughter is resting her head on hers with her eyes closed. Alex's tears left drying tracks on her face and Eliza's eyes are glistening, but when she catches sight of Kara, her smile is warm enough to power a small city. "Come here honey," she mouths, motioning with her free hand. Kara hesitates for a second, clenching her own hand around Lena's. Her girlfriend is the only thing anchoring her to the world right now and she's afraid of what will happen if she lets go. Lena however, unthreads their fingers and gently pushes her forward. "Go," she whispers for Kara only. "I'm not going anywhere."

Still unbalanced, Kara staggers towards her Earth mum. Her armless side against Eliza makes for a slightly awkward position but she still sinks into the embrace, revelling in the soft smell of lavender. "You are okay," Eliza whispers. "You are okay." Kara doesn't know who this statement is made for, if Eliza is talking to her or herself, if she's trying to reassure her own heart, or her daughter's ; but Kara takes it for herself anyway, turning it in her head over and over like a mantra. She needs this.

Time wraps around them and Eliza's hug doesn't falter, not even for one second. Eventually, Lena moves to go sit with Brainy, both Kelly and Nia having gone back to work. Once she's out of her sightline, Kara allows herself to close her eyes, but though she's still exhausted, she doesn't fall back asleep. Instead, she forces herself to stay awake to listen to all the heartbeats around her. Lena's soft staccato, Alex's ever regular beat, Eliza's gentle pulse and Brainy's synthetic rhythm ; all hearts that could stop in the blink of an eye because of her. Any of them could be dead right now, and any of them could still die because of the unescapable threat tracking her through space. She tries to hang on to the fact that they love her, that they care and that she's brought them joy ; but she can't gloss over the fact that she's brought them doom too, it's not something that she can just erase and not think about.

She should leave. She should leave right now and find an empty planet on which she can await her fate without posing threat to others. Just as the thought crosses her mind, Eliza's arm tightens around her. Her Earth mum's embrace is still warm and loving, but it's like she knows something dark just crossed Kara's mind. It occurs to her that she can't say goodbye ; if she does so, she'll never leave. She makes up her mind in a quarter of a second, then spends two full minutes soaking up all the warmth she can. Her journey to death will be long and cold. As gently as she can, she slips out of Eliza's arm, plastering a reassuring smile on her face. "I need some fresh air," she lies, "I'll be on the roof."

Before she exits the room, she glances back at Lena who's dozing off next to Brainy. Fly away hair is masking one of her eyes and Kara feels the urge to brush it away. She can't though, it would be too suspicious, would look too much like a goodbye. Instead, she leaves in silence, her heart contracting painfully for an instant.

Her old pod is situated in an upper hyper secured level of the DEO, along with J'onn's ship. She could also take the rocket she's been tinkering with in an attempt to recreate a long haul kryptonian ship, but it seems fitting to leave the way she came. She elects to take the stairs, already feeling a little claustrophobic at the idea of her journey. The ascension seems to last forever, and the corridor to reach her final destination is endlessly long. At least it gives her time to think, to reminisce about all the good things she's leaving behind, to cherish the thought of all the people she's saving. She thinks about Kal, is strong hand around her little palm when she crash landed on Earth. She thinks about Jeremiah, is rough beard, is calloused hands, his sacrifice. She can almost smell his cologne. She thinks about Eliza, her ever welcoming love and warmth, her unfaltering support through every phase of her life on Earth. She thinks about Alex, their squabbles, their fights, yet their unconditional love for one another. She spares a thought for Lucy, but it's Lena she holds onto for the longest during her trek through the corridor. Her strength, her warmth, the twinkle in her eyes, all the things she won't ever say to her. She wishes for one more evening on the roof, one more hug, one more kiss. At least this way she'll be safe. They will all be safe.

The heavy door finally presents itself before her and Kara encounters an unforeseen problem ; she needs to scan her hand to get in, her right hand. "Do you need a hand with that ?" someone asks from behind her, their voice gloomily echoing down the long corridor. She whirls around to find Brainy standing behind her, legs firmly planted in the ground and customary tablet in hand. She has no idea as to why she didn't hear him approach. "I could scan your other hand to grant you access. Or just open the door for you."

"You're not going to...?" Kara starts hesitantly, wondering if it wouldn't be easier to simply kick the door down.

"To what ?" Brainy asks, his forehead mimicking an eyebrow raise. "Stop you from abandoning ship in the hope that Brainiac the first will change his course to follow you ? I will not." He tilts his head to the side, and unlocks the door with a flicker of his fingers. Kara slips inside before it's fully open, but before she has the time to fully disappear in the room, Brainy resumes his train of thoughts. "It is a noble gesture," he says, "but an ineffective one. If he has already made up his mind, leaving will not change the fate of Earth."

"Then what can I do ?" Kara pleads, her voice rising uncharacteristically. "What should I do ?"

"Stay," Brainy says, blinking heavily for a couple of seconds as he seem to consider the contradiction between what he might say next and his previous statement. "Allow yourself to heal from previously forgotten traumatic events. Do not punish yourself for past actions you just remembered, no matter how violent they were. Fight alongside your friends and family. We need you here Kara."

"The only thing I'll do if I stay here is put all of you in danger."

"Oh no. I assure you Lena and I did great work in overwriting your murderous tendencies."

Brainy's words are blunt, without frills, they hit Kara square in the chest, but don't make her angry. She lets herself slip to the floor until she's sitting on the steps leading to the launch ramp. "I can't 'abandon ship' can I ?" she whispers, glancing at her pod.

"It would be unwise," Brainy confirms.

"Will you stay with me for a while ?"

Brainy complies, promptly and stiffly sitting down next to her. After a short moment of hesitation, he gently squeezes her shoulder in companionship. They sit in silence for several minutes, gazing out the large windows that let in a bright almost blinding light.

"My mother taught me how to collect cities and planets," Brainy says with no prompting. "There was one I visited once that I particularly liked. A perpetual winter wonderland. I do not enjoy snow anymore."

Kara doesn't know how to reply to that. Instead, she returns his previous shoulder squeeze, and they remain silent for a while longer.

When they get back to Kara's room, everybody is much more awake and the atmosphere is slightly tensed. Eliza is silently sharing homemade cookies with Lena, and Alex is pacing, her face blank and unreadable. "I needed a moment," Kara justifies before anyone has the time to ask her this exact question.

It's a mistake, and when Alex turns towards her with a scowl, she realises that it would have been better to not say anything at all. This way, she might have been able to slip through the cracks. "In the ships' hangar ?" her sister asks dully. "It's a restricted section, I get an alert every time someone opens that door." Swiftly, she turns her tablet around to briefly show the live camera feed. "Were you going to leave without saying goodbye ?" Alex is trying hard to stay impassive, but it's no use, and her voice cracks right on these words.

"I," Kara starts, stopping to swallow the clutter of rocks in her throat. "Yes, I was. But Brainy knocked some sense into me."

Next to Eliza, Lena breathes in sharply and freezes.

"Okay," Alex says with a curt nod. And just like that, she turns around and goes to leave the room.

"Wait !" Kara shouts, staggering when she tries to stop her. "That's all ?"

"Yes. I just wanted to know were you stand. Now that I know, I can go prep against an invasion."

"I'm sorry," Kara whispers, shame gnawing at her insides even if she's unsure of if this is the right emotion to feel.

"I don't think these are the words you meant to say." Alex turns back around and leans heavily against the wall, her arms hanging limply at her sides. "I understand if you need time. I think all of us can understand that. But I thought, I don't know. I thought I'd be the one you'd want to talk to. At least I'd want to talk to you in this situation."

"I want to talk to you," Kara says softly. "It's just, just it's hard."

"It's hard for all of us."

"You're not the one who just learned she's a murderous robot !" Kara snaps, her unique fist clenching in anger. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell."

"You're allowed to," Eliza gently says from behind her. "You can be mad."

"You can be mad," Alex echoes faintly, "you are allowed to be angry, and feel things. But please don't lock us out." Tears well up in her eyes and her voice is almost inaudible. "Don't lock us out Kara. Please, don't leave me behind."

"I'm not leaving. It's not the right thing to do," Kara says as strongly as she can so she'll believe it too. Clumsily, she motions for Alex to come to her and wraps her in a one armed hug, holding her as tight as she can. Her sister hugs her back with all her strength and a moment later, Eliza's arms wrap around her too. Her Earth mum brings Lena into the mix too, and when Kara can smell her flowery scent, she feels her lungs coming alive again. Finally, Brainy comes in with a light hand on her shoulder before Alex shuffles a bit so she can get one arm out to hug him too. They stay like that, huddled and warm, long enough for their hearts to all synch up, and their breathing to even out.

Eventually, Lena wiggles out with a sigh. "There's something I need to do," she says, schooling her features when her eyes cross Kara's. "I'll call you," she adds before exiting the room, her shoulders rigid and her head high.