Chapter 33

Jay felt wrong being here; he felt the pull to just get back in his car and leave right away. But he urged on, ignoring that heavy feeling of dread in his chest. He knew what Brianna's intentions with him were. Knew it from the moment he started working for her years ago and she made it her mission to let him know just how open her office was. He ignored her attempts to hit on him back then because he didn't really know how else to react and because he needed the money and the job paid well. He had plans back then— plans that involved him and Erin moving in together to a condo— and the only way he was going to get there before he turned 50 on a detective's salary was to work the side job that paid really well.

He hadn't seen Brianna since he quit his job— having no reason to see her. So he was surprised when he did run into her at Church. It seemed as though for some reason, she was still fixated on him, telling him that she was hoping to see him. Again, he didn't really know what to do. He had never been so openly hit on before, didn't know what was the line between respectfully rebuffing her advances vs. being rude. She wasn't a bad person, seemed generous enough to offer to start a college fund for Jordan.

He opened the door, stepping into the dimly lit bar and looked around for Brianna. He knew Erin must be wondering what was going on right now but as hard as it was, he had to push her out of his mind. Otherwise he would never be able to do what he was about to do. He finally spotted Brianna at the back corner of the bar, sipping on a glass of wine. The table she had chosen was secluded from the rest of the chatters in the busy front of the establishment. She noticed his arrival and waved to him, a big smile greeting him as she stood up to give him a hug.

"Thank you for coming Jay," she said, squeezing his arm. Jay just nodded, gesturing her to take her seat so he could sit down. She was still smiling. "I got to say, I wasn't sure you were going to show."

"I told you I would."

She let out a soft laugh, looking down. "I know. But you've turned down my offers for dinners and drinks before. I guess I just wasn't expecting you to accept it." She reached over to hold his hand that was resting on the table. "But I'm glad you came," she said, dropping her voice to make it sound more flirtatious. "I could use someone to talk to about everything."

Jay's lips formed into a tight smile as he removed his hand from the table, out of her grasp. "Yeah, everything that happened with Terry and his family, it's horrible." Jay felt so much guilt about the whole thing. If he had just stopped Terry from stepping out from behind the car, if he had just checked in on his wife and son more, if he...if he...if he.. So many ifs were running through his mind. But it was too late. Too late to save Terry. Too late to save Lissa. But he could still do this for Jordan. He had to.

"I really liked Terry and from the couple of times that I met Lissa, she seemed very nice," Brianna replied, "I've never had security guys that were as good as you two. Still haven't been able to find ones that can fill your shoes properly."

"I can get you some names. Get you names of good cops that would do a good job," Jay offered, even though he thought he had already referred who he felt were solid guys for the job to her.

"Actually, maybe the reason why no one was able to fill your shoes is because they're just not you," Brianna replied coyly. "Have you ever thought about coming back? I can make it worth your while?" she said in a tone that made it obvious that she was talking about more than just money.

Jay didn't need a second to decline her offer. There was no way he was going back to that job. Heck, he didn't even want to take that job in the first place— the concept of working in a dispensary while he was a cop and had arrested people for possession of weed felt wrong. Sure he knew the laws and the times had changed and that weed was technically legal now but he still didn't feel right. Erin had joked about it with him before, him and his ability to be uptight. And she certainly had her fun with checking to see if he got secondhand high from the pot smoke whenever he got off work.

Jay shook his head, giving Brianna an apologetic look. "No. I'm not coming back."

Her face fell but she quickly recovered. "Oh, that's okay." She pursed her lips together. "Maybe then this will give us a chance to get to know each other better in other ways, outside of a working relationship. I have a really easy time talking to you Jay. You're nothing like any other guys I've met. You're special."

"I don't think I am," Jay replied.

"Oh you don't know just how special you are," Brianna said, interjecting him. "That just makes you somehow even more better. You're amazing. I'm just glad that we can be out together and just talk."

Jay saw his opening. "Yeah I'm happy that we can talk," he started. "I wanted to continue what we were talking about earlier in Church today."

Brianna gave him a confused look. "Um sure. What was it?"

"Your offer to start the college fund for Jordan. That's still on the table?"

"Of course!" Brianna replied. "I just feel bad that I dropped the ball with Lissa after promising to help her out financially."

"Yeah I think we all dropped the ball there," Jay said, the guilt taking over again. But he shook his thoughts away, needing to focus on getting this done and right things for Jordan. "But I think we can at least make things right for Jordan."

"Of course. Anything he needs. College fund. Private school tuition. Anything. Poor kid is probably going into foster care right?" Jay nodded. "Well I can at least cover his education."

"That's really great." Jay stood up and pulled out a piece of paper he had folded in his pants. "I've talked to a banker friend of mine today before I came here and asked him for help. See what kind of saving plan he recommends for Jordan that's safe and reliable. He printed me out some options."

"Oh," Brianna chuckled, taking a look at the paper Jay had prepared. "I wasn't expecting this."

"Yeah, I figured the sooner we can do this, the better it would be for Jordan. My friend, his name is Jake and he works at Chicago Municipal Bank. I've told him that you'd get in contact with him and come up with a good plan for Jordan so he's expecting your call," Jay explained, standing up to leave. "I'll get you the info on where Jordan's going when I get it but I really appreciate you doing this for him."

Brianna looked flustered at the unexpected turn in the conversation. "Yeah," she uttered out. "You're leaving?"

Jay nodded. "Brianna, thank you for doing this for Jordan. Really." He gave her a smile, knowing that was all he could give her. "I'm gonna go. I'll see you at Church tomorrow for the service."

"Jay," Brianna called out, standing up from her seat. "I just...you sure you don't want to stay for a drink? We could talk?"

Jay shook his head. "I can't. I'm sorry." With that he turned and left the bar.

He took in a deep breath, letting the air into his lungs. He stuffed his hands in his pants pocket and headed back towards his car. He knew he had led Brianna on, made her think that tonight was about something more than just giving her a number to get Jordan's college fund started. But that was all he wanted to do. He knew he wouldn't be able to be at peace without knowing that at least this was done for Jordan. Poor Jordan who had lost both of his parents before the age of 4. At the very least, this would be one less worry on his plate. He felt bad about making Brianna think it was something more but he knew if he hadn't there was a big chance that her offer would never come to fruition. And he couldn't fail Jordan again.

He opened his car door and sat down, his hands clenching the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. He was lost in his thoughts, drowning in his guilt. There was a storm raging in his head, everything that had happened recently pouring down like hail— hard and violent and had the power for complete destruction.

"You okay?"

He turned as soon as he heard her voice, Erin sitting in the passenger seat of his car, looking at him with so much concern, so much love in her eyes that all he could do was reach over and pull her into him, holding onto her like she was his lifeline. He clutched her to him, not being able to let her go, selfishly taking all the comfort and solace she gave him. He buried his head in the crevice of her neck, not caring if she could feel his tears wetting her skin. He felt safe there, felt safe enough to fall apart in her arms and in her embrace and trusted her enough to know she would never let him go. And just like that, with her shushing soothing noises in his ears and her hands caressing his back slowly yet surely, she broke through the dark storm clouds, she was his own sun shining through his darkness.

He didn't know how long they stayed like that, Jay still clutching onto her like if he didn't, he'd crumble and Erin holding him up as best she could, soothing him with her kisses and her presence. She ran her fingers through his hair until he felt stable enough to pull apart. She kept him close though, keeping him just a few inches apart and regarded him with a look of pure love in her hazel eyes— so beautiful that he could drown in them forever.

"You okay?" she asked him again, running her fingers on his jaw. He nodded, covering her hand that was now resting on his cheek with his own, turning his head slightly to give it a fleeting kiss.

"Yeah." His voice sounded rough even to his own ears but that was all he could manage right now. "I'm okay." Whether or not she believed him, he didn't know but judging by the way she was unable to pull apart from him told him that maybe he hadn't done a good enough job to convince her that he was alright. Not that he minded, he didn't want to be apart from her right now either.

Her fingers were doing their usual magic on his skin, Jay closing his eyes at the sensation. She was just what he needed, right now and forever. Just her mere presence brought him so much peace and she calmed him down in ways that he couldn't even describe.

"Thank you," he voiced, feeling so grateful that she was here with him right now.

"You don't even need to thank me for this Jay," she returned. "Ever. I'm here. Whenever and wherever you need me, I'm here." Jay just buried his face in her neck again, letting her scent just soothe him and let her drown out the noises in his head. "Let's go home?" Erin asked after a while and Jay had calmed down. He pulled away and rested their foreheads together, like he couldn't bear to not have him be in contact with some part of her. But a shower sounded good to him and the cuts that he acquired during his scuffle with Lou needed to be cleaned.

"Yeah, let's go home."


Jay stared at himself in the mirror in the bathroom, he assessed the cut that spanned his forehead and the bruises that littered his chest. He was numb to it all. Instead he felt himself slipping. Slipping into that dark hole that was his memories. He thought he had worked through them. That the group meetings that he forced himself to go had worked but he felt that darkness pulling him again. He clenched his eyes shut tight, like he was willing himself to be fine. He had to be fine. He couldn't go back to that place again. He had a lot to lose if he did.

He balled his fists, trying to take in one shuddering breath after another but he felt his throat get tighter and tighter. He couldn't get enough oxygen, no matter how hard he tried. His knuckles were now white as he clenched the counter, his body trembling. He couldn't have a panic attack, not right now. Not again. Not after everything. He inhaled and exhaled like he was taught to in group and his eyes still remained closed, trying to block everything out. Just breath in, breathe out.

He felt a soft touch on his chest and he didn't need to open his eyes to know that it was Erin. She stood behind him, one hand around his waist and the other on his chest.

"Breathe Jay," she instructed as her hand rubbed his bare chest in soothing motions. "Just breathe." He followed her lead, letting her touch hold him down and ground him. It worked as he felt himself climb out of that hole little by little. He finally opened his eyes and met Erin's gaze in the mirror. She laid a kiss on his shoulder and both of her arms wound around his waist, tethering herself to him. He held onto her hand, leaning against her, letting her hold him up. He was utterly exhausted like all the energy he had was now drained from acting like he was okay all day. He wasn't.

"Come on," Erin's voice urged him, her breaking her hold on him so she can shed his clothes. So gentle. Like he was fragile. One wrong move and he would break. She removed her own clothes and led him to the shower, Jay stepping into the space and let the hot water wash over him. The water stung his cut yet somehow alleviated his aching bruises simultaneously. Erin was standing behind again, her chest to his back and her arms around him. She reached for the soap and started to wash the sweat and grime of the horrible day off of him. The water washed away the suds, letting it swirl down the drain. She peppered kisses on his shoulder then his back and she held him tighter.

He couldn't take it anymore, he needed to look at her so he turned around and pulled her against her, their wet and pliant bodies up against each other. The hot water washed over them both, getting into their eyes but he saw her so clearly in his eyes. Saw the look of love and determination she had in her eyes, saw that she was going to do whatever it took to piece him back together, she was dead set on being his protector. Well, he was completely defenseless against her so he backed them up so she was against the wall of the shower and he held her so tight, needing her to be his wall. Erin didn't complain, instead she just tightened her own arms around him even more, letting him know with her kisses instead of words that she was there for him. Always.

And they stayed in that position until the hot water turned warm then cool.


The shower was just what he needed. He felt more on stable ground after Erin had dried him off, handed him a pair of p.j pants and led him to their bed while she put on one of his t-shirts. She joined him in bed minutes later, holding a first aid kit and she settled him so he was resting against the headboard and Erin straddled him, careful so she wasn't putting her full weight onto him.

"Let me?" she asked for permission and Jay nodded, unable to say no to her. Erin concentrated on cleaning the cut on his forehead, putting some healing gel on it to help it heal faster. He gave her a grateful smile as she put away the items and set them on the nightstand next to the bed. She was still straddling him, not that he wanted her to move, and she leaned forward and held his head in her hand and brought her lips to his forehead. She placed a tender kiss on his forehead, minding of the cut, and let her lips lingered on his skin. He met her hands that were holding his head and he held onto her, his breath hitching at being taken care of like this.

"Thank you," he finally voiced, those two words seemed not nearly enough to encompass the love and the gratitude he felt towards Erin. For her being here like this for him.

"Always," was her response as their foreheads rested against each other, their breaths mixing in the small space.

A little while later, she was lying next to him, his arms acting as her pillows and her legs wound in between his. They were both staring up at the ceiling, comfortable silence between them as they remained in their thoughts. Instead they let their fingers do their talking, Erin's stroking his chest and his playing with the ends of her hair.

"I'm sorry," Jay broke the silence. Erin turned her head so she could look up at him from her position in his arms, giving him a questioning look about his apology. "For making you miss your dinner with Ewan." Jay knew she was with Tara tonight and that Ewan was there. He had received her message and voicemail about going out to dinner with Ewan but he had selfishly called her to his side instead, needing her to be there waiting as he met with Brianna. Erin accepted without any hesitation, cancelling her own plans with Ewan.

"Don't be," Erin said, scooting herself closer to him. "I'd rather be here than anywhere else. I'm just happy that I can be here for you."

He dropped a kiss on her forehead and closed his eyes, not knowing just how he got so lucky to have this amazing woman by his side. Lord knew he made a ton of mistakes, done things no man should have ever done, had seen things that a normal person should never see. His hands weren't clean, he had blood of too many lives on his hands. Yet somehow the universe had somehow made a mistake and had looked the other way and had given him Erin.

Whatever mistake the universe had made, Jay wouldn't make his. He wouldn't repeat the mistakes of the past and lose her again. He needed to fight and push away the dark clouds in his mind. He would.


Erin held Jay's hand as they made their way into the Church for Lissa's service. The last time she was here had been for Terry's funeral and there was something so sad about the fact that now she was here for his wife. She spied Jordan sitting in the front pew, next to the social worker they met at the precinct. Her heart went out for him, that poor boy. She knew Jay had spotted Jordan too when she felt his hand clutched her tighter.

She looked up at him and saw his eyes glued to Jordan, a storm brewing in his eyes. She wanted to take away that look in his eyes— the eyes that were normally bright with a glint of mischief. Eyes that regarded her with nothing but love and affection when they made love. Eyes that watched her back on and off the job everyday. This look of heartbreak and grief just didn't look right.

She had been surprised when she got the call from Jay last night just as she was about to leave for dinner with Ewan. Jay had reached out to her, wanting her to be there when he went to meet with Brianna. She was just so glad and so grateful that Jay had reached out to her, that he wasn't pushing her away when he was struggling. That they had made enough progress to stop pushing each other away and started leaning on each other during tough times.

The service had been touching. Even though Lissa didn't have family in the area, she had made enough of a good impression on the parishioners of the Church that they had nice things to say and the speeches had been touching. Jay hadn't let go of her hand through the entire service and once again, she was reminded of the last time. Only this time, she didn't feel helpless as she had been the last time as she sat next to Jay, seeing the turmoil that radiated off of him, unable to do anything to ease it.

"Thank you for being here," Jay said again as the service had finished and they stayed behind to talk to the social worker about Jordan.

"Thank you for letting me be here," Erin returned. Jay gave her a small smile, not quite reaching his eyes as he caught her lips.

"I'm gonna go talk to the social worker for a bit, tell her about the college fund." Erin loosened the hold she had on Jay as he made his way over to the little boy.

"Detective Lindsay." Erin turned when she heard her name being called and came face to face with Brianna. Erin braced herself for the interaction, not knowing how she felt toward the woman. Erin had been surprised when Jay said he was meeting Brianna, not knowing how the woman had resurfaced back into their lives but he explained that she wanted to be there for Lissa. Though as Erin caught Brianna eyeing Jay's back, it was more than clear that the only person Brianna really wanted to be there for was Jay.

Not that it was new information or anything. It was apparent that the woman had a crush on Jay ever since Erin first learned about her. Erin chuckled to herself when she recalled Voight coming to her with concerns about Jay and Brianna after he saw them when Intelligence worked Terry's case. She wasn't worried then and she wasn't worried now. She trusted Jay completely and knew that he would never cheat on her.

"Brianna," Erin tried to return a smile at the woman. Just because she wasn't worried about Jay didn't mean that she wasn't annoyed by the woman's pursuit of her boyfriend.

"I see that you and Jay are together," Brianna said, a tight smile on her face. "I guess you're the person he was talking about when he said he had someone waiting for him." Erin just nodded, not really feeling the need to explain her relationship with Jay further. "You're a lucky woman."

"Thanks. I am." Brianna turned her eyes to Jay who was kneeling on the ground to talk to Jordan. Erin followed her eyesight and immediately a smile overtook her face at seeing Jay interact with Jordan, pulling him into a hug. He was such a great man. "I'm very lucky," Erin voiced, her eyes softening.

"You better hold onto him Detective. A guy like Jay doesn't come around often. Trust me, I know." Brianna turned to leave.

"Wait Brianna," Erin called, Brianna turning back around. "I just wanted to say thank you for what you're doing for Jordan. It's an amazing gesture and I can't begin to say how much we appreciate it."

"Sure," Brianna replied. "Hey, maybe you can do me a favor then." Erin nodded, wondering what Brianna wanted. "Maybe you can convince Jay to come back to work for me? I tried to convince him but he turned me down." In more ways than one. Erin thought to herself, keeping the pleasant smile on her face. "But he's amazing and I could really use his…..expertise. Besides it's always nice to have someone like him in the office, someone that you can talk to."

Erin tilted her head. "If Jay already said no then there's no changing his mind. He's not fickle like that," Erin replied, hoping Brianna would get the hint that Jay wasn't the type that was easily swayed.

"I'm sure if you're the one convincing him, he'll change his mind. I can make it worth both of your while." Erin could scoff at how brazen Brianna was being.

"You know Brianna, I think Jay has made his decision. But he knows that the offer is on the table." With that Erin just turned and left, not needing to hear anything more of Brianna's thinly veiled attempts at Jay.

She joined Jay, smiling down at Jordan. "Hi Jordan." The little boy was shy and quiet, not knowing what was going on and that it was the funeral for his mother.

"We got to get back to the home," his social worker said, holding Jordan's hands. "Say bye Jordan."

"Bye," Erin bent down to hug Jordan. "You're going to be alright. We'll make sure of it."

She got back up onto her feet and immediately Jay's arms found their home around her, pulling her to him. They watched as Jordan left the Church, Jay kissing the side of her head.

"He'll be okay Jay," Erin reassured him. "We'll be there for him." He nodded, meeting her lips in a kiss.


It was still early evening but the events of the day had taken everything out of them. So they had settled on the couch, Jay leaning back against the arm of the couch while Erin laid in between his legs, his arms around her holding her in place.

"I'm glad you were there today," Jay said, kissing the back of her head. "I don't know how I would've gotten through the past few days if it wasn't for you."

She turned her head slightly so she could see him. "I told you Jay, I don't need a thank you. I'm just happy to be there for you." He nodded, leaning forward to kiss her cheeks.

He sighed, leaning his head against her neck. "I'm worried about Jordan."

"I know," she caressed his arms that was around her gently. "I know you're worried about Jordan going in a foster care and honestly I am too." She bit her lips, debating whether or not she should tell him before everything was confirmed just in case things go wrong. But Jay looked like he needed some good news. She got up and shifted in his arms so she was facing him. "I kinda did something."

He quirked his brows. "What something did you do?"

She placed her hands on his chest, spreading her palm out. "I know how worried you were about Jordan and his placement. I talked to his social worker about us taking him in temporarily." Jay's eyes widened at that.

"Yeah?"

"But she said since we're not related to him we couldn't. Not without a very lengthy custody battle." Jay's face dropped at that. "So me and Platt, we've been searching high and low for a family member of either Terry's or Lissa's that could take Jordan in. At least he'd be with family. And last night before I left the district, we heard back from Terry's cousin."

"His cousin?"

"She lives in California and her mom was married to Terry's uncle but they divorced. But she and Terry grew up together and they were very close. But because of the divorce, she probably wasn't on the record for being Terry's family. She has a little girl of her own and she's married and she said she wants nothing more than to take Jordan and raise him."

Jay's eyes teared up, his hand coming up to cup her face. "Yeah?"

Erin nodded. "His social worker is getting the paperworks on Monday and nothing's been set 100% yet but really there should be nothing stopping her from getting Jordan. She's in a stable marriage, she's financially secure and she loves Terry so she loves Jordan."

"That's amazing Erin," Jay breathed out. "I'm….I'm speechless."

"I think this would be the best option for Jordan." Jay nodded, agreeing with her.

"I can't believe you did all this." Jay gazed at her in awe. "You're...just the most amazing person I know." Erin smiled. She was just glad that she could put Jay's mind at ease a little bit. "I love you. So damn much."

"I love you too," she returned, smiling as she leaned in to kiss him. He deepened the kiss immediately, his arms wounding around her back and lifting her up. She rested her palms on his chest, balancing herself on him as he sucked on her tongue, Erin moaning at the feeling.

"Thank you," Jay voiced as he stroked her face, staring into her eyes. "For everything. I'm so lucky to have you."

"You'll have me always." Jay's eyes brightened as he flipped her over, both of them connecting in the most intimate and passionate way.


"So I was thinking I should start going to the group again." Erin whipped her head up from her morning coffee, meeting Jay's apprehensive eyes over the dining table.

"Yeah?" Erin schooled her voice, not letting him hear the questions she had in her mind. On one hand, she was glad that Jay was seeking out help. She wanted Jay to be happy and demon-free and if the group meetings helped then she wanted him to go. On the other, she couldn't help but think of the last time. The reason why Jay had started going to the meetings in the first place and how he had asked for space. How he had left. She knew it was probably silly to worry but the thought of losing Jay and being apart from him scared her to death.

"Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Get my head and my mind right."

Erin just nodded, trying to seem supportive. She was. She was just also scared.

"Jay, I'm here for you. Anything and everything. If you want to go to the group meetings then you should. If you….if you need space.."

Jay frowned. "Space?" he asked, confusion coloring his voice. "What do you mean?"

"It's just...last time…"

"Erin," Jay stood up and came over to the side of the table. He sat down on the chair next to her and lifted Erin and placed her on his lap. "What's on your mind?"

Erin shrugged. "It's stupid of me. I'm just thinking back to the last time…"

"When I moved out?" Erin nodded. Jay rested his head on her shoulder. "I know I hurt you then."

"Jay," Erin shook her head. She wasn't blaming him. "It's okay."

"No, I know I did," Jay continued on. "But I was a mess back then. I just...I couldn't let you see that part of me. I wanted to be strong for you and not let you see me as being weak."

"Jay you're the strongest man I know."

"I know better now. That asking for help isn't weak. That letting the people I love in isn't weak. You're my strength Erin. I'm the strongest and happiest with you here, next to me."

"Me too." Jay grinned, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

Their lips met in a tender kiss. He held her hand and played with her fingers, lacing them together with his.

"Me and You. Forever," Jay whispered, leaning his head against hers.

"Me and You Forever," Erin echoed, holding the promise in her heart as she was lifted and carried to their bedroom. "Always," she whispered into his neck.


A month had gone by and Erin felt that things were going back to normal again. Work had been going well. The cases were still demanding but at least they could distance themselves from them. And things at home were even better.

She was just so proud of Jay. He had been going to the group meetings weekly and she saw just how much it was helping him. He seemed lighter, more together and overall looked like his load had gotten considerably lighter. That was all she wanted for him.

He had even given her the best gift she had ever gotten in her life. He had given her an invitation to join him in his next meeting. He was letting her in completely and she was just so touched and so honored.

So here she was, pushing her grocery cart along the aisles of the supermarket. She wanted to make Jay a nice dinner and surprise him. She had even left work early to get the ingredients and finish cooking so the candlelit dinner would be ready by the time he got back from his meeting.

She was deciding on what kind of dessert she wanted— chocolate lava cake (Jay's favorite) or tiramisu (their favorite) when she heard the last voice she wanted to hear, calling her name.

"Erin is that you?" Erin shut her eyes, hoping that the voice was just in her head. "Erin!" She sighed, knowing that whenever that voice got that screechy, it was impossible to avoid it.

She turned around, despite not wanting to and met the familiar eyes looking at her like she was a ghost.

"Hi mom."