Chapter 14: Make-A-Wish
P O V: Olivia Benson
"How do I feel? This question is probably one of the most loaded ones I've ever heard in all my thirty-nine years. I'm sure you want to hear all about how angry I am at God, at life, for giving me this illness to battle again."
Hearing Amanda talking so openly to a therapist floors me, she's never opened up to one before even when I ordered her to. "She knows how to play the game." Presley's voice floats above the laughter of the children playing only a few feet apart. Presley and Aisling's two boys Oisin who is almost ten and Rio Five along with Noah, and three of the kids who are patients. There's ten-year-old Miranda Olsen, Seven-year-old Ryan Frank, and eight-year-old Megan Luke.
"What game is that?"
"Mama!" Presley smiles, motioning for me to wait as she goes to check on Rio while Aisling moves closer "The game she is talking about is life, if Amanda refuses to talk to the therapist she'll be denied a transplant. If she's denied she will die, it's simple as 1 2 3. She tried to believe me when she was fifteen, and they first made her talk to someone Mandy played the tough cookie card, she sat there glaring refusing to open up. So did our friend Jason Keller he was sixteen and too tough to play the game wouldn't open up for some paid person listening to his emotions. You know the drill men don't cry, Jason was denied the transplant, and he died two weeks later. That was a real eye-opener for Amanda she started talking after he passed."
"I guess that makes sense. The team needs to know you are in the right state of mind to receive a life-saving gift. If you don't take care of it, then it's a waste."
"Very true, how is Amanda afterward, usually?"
"It depends it's not always as cleansing as people say it is sometimes you feel real shitty afterward, those times Amanda shuts down can't even so much as crack a smile from her then. Other times she seems almost at peace. Hopefully, this is one of those times she has a lot to get off her chest, and Dr. Carly is amazing."
"Mama." Noah comes racing over; it's taken a while to get used to him bald; each time I look at him though I am amazed at how my son is growing in maturity a few weeks ago, Amanda asked Aisling to shave her after her hair started falling out. Aisling does for the kids here; she sets up days each week to shave kids who are about to lose their hair to treatments. She makes a big deal of it playing music bringing treats dancing with the kids. They have a ball and forget about their troubles even if it's only for a few hours.
Megan had been scared to get her head shaved, so Noah had taken her hand and volunteered to have his shaven so she wouldn't feel alone or scared. "Yes, sweet-pea?" Sitting beside me, I can't help but reach out to touch his little head. "Aw, Mama, really?" "Yes, really, I can't believe how smooth it feels." "It feels amazing to Mama I may never grow my hair out again." Both of us laugh as I hug him close. "So, what is your question, my love?"
"You're a cop, right? You and Aunt Amanda?" "Yes honey we are, why do you ask that?"
"Because Ryan has a cancer called diffuse intrinsic pontine gliomas (DIPG), he has been giving something called a make-a-wish. Have you ever heard of it?" My throat tightens "Yes, honey I have there's an organization called the Make-A-Wish foundation they have officers in every country and state. Their focus is to provide wishes to kids 18 and under who have a life-threatening to serious illness."
"Ryan wishes to be a police officer mama, but the lady in charge of wishes say they are backed up, there's something called COVID-19 going around, so everything is on hold. Ryan only has a few weeks left to live, according to his doctor. If you are a cop, Mama, can't you make something happen?"
"I can try honey; I have no jurisdiction here, though."
"I don't know what that means, Mama." Laughing, I ruffle his head. "Jurisdiction means the territory or sphere of activity over which the legal authority of a court or other institution extends. So for Aunt Amanda and me, our Jurisdiction is Manhattan. Once we go past Manhattan to the Bronx or Brooklyn, they have their own cops there."
"Okay, I get it now, but Mama, you met a local cop here, remember? When we first came here, you helped that officer catch the pick-pocket, can he make something happen?" My brain is fussy trying to remember what he is talking about; it's been weeks of needles, lousy news, infections, sickness. It's all blurred together. "Remember the man who is obsessed with Aisling, and was so floored that Kim knew her."
"Oh, yeah, now I remember, I can make some calls and see what I can do. Noah, Ryan is lucky to have a friend as loyal as you." He shrugs, "Mama, I'm the lucky one meeting these kids it's really opened my eyes up to see there's a whole world out here beside New York, kids who have it a lot less nice than I do."
Amanda comes out of the office; her face puffy from crying the bandanna around her bald head makes her look younger. Getting up, I rush to her she smiles tightly embracing me she feels so thin nowadays it makes my throat swell up. "What are we talking about here, ladies?" quickly I fill her in on Noah's request, she lays her head down on my shoulder. "I remember my Make-A-Wish wish I was thirteen and asked to go to The Georgia State Gun Show." I have to laugh; it sounds like an Amanda thing.
"Mama, I just feel bad because there are so many more kids here who have wishes which may never get to see them fill-filled." Amanda hugs Noah as we sit by him. "Let me talk to Mrs. Klein; she's in charge of the Make-A-Wish program. I bet other kids want to be police officers. We should do a ceremony for all of them; we can make a day out of it have a band play."
"Presley and I can take care of the entertainment part." "Thanks, Aisling." "Sure, when do we want to make this happen?"
"As soon as possible, Ryan doesn't have much time left." Walking to Amanda's room, we take it slow she's weakened, but in good spirits, her counts are up today, so she's able to walk around now with a mask on; "Can we get some air?" I look towards Presley, who nods, grabbing a wheelchair "Uh really Liv?"
"Yes, honey, you know the rules."
She relaxes once we are outside, breathing in the fresh air. Noah runs laughing as he tosses a football with his friends. "I was starting to feel like I would never see the outside world again. God, this sucks being stuck inside for so long. I know it's for my own protection, but it still sucks."
Squeezing her shoulder, I wheel her towards a beautiful pond, "St. Jude has an amazing facility here." "They do Liv, it's been years since I've been here, but not much has changed it feels timeless, here." She pushes herself up to sit on the fountain. I can't stop myself from staring at her. She looks so young so beautiful I move closer to her taking her hand into mine.
"Thank you, Liv, for being here for me these past few weeks, your support means everything to me. I know I have put a lot on you with my letter and leaving so suddenly. I want you to know that I don't take this lightly, I know how much your work means to you, for you to leave NY behind pack up your son. It means everything to me, so thank you."
Amanda's honesty does something to me. I find myself moving closer to her, my heart beating faster. The thought of almost losing her fills my mind seeing her attached to all those wires, tubes unconscious moaning. I'm beyond grateful to have her sitting here next to me, looking so much healthier. "Amanda, sweetie you don't have to thank me, I've already told you I want to be here for you." She smiles tentatively. It's nearly breathtaking to me seeing her smile. The sun is shining down, gleaming off the water in the fountain, birds are chirping, kids are laughing running free. Trees are beginning to look full and rich of color as spring births new life.
None of it seems as beautiful as Amanda's smile at this moment. Her eyes are transfixed into mine. I can feel my heart beating extra beats as my palms suddenly feel nervous. A feeling I didn't know was possible who knew palms had feelings—their sweating like crazy as I place them on her shoulders.
"You alright, Liv?" I am unable to form words moving even closer; why are my lips so dry all of a sudden? "You learn to appreciate life and nature after being stuck inside for so long. I've done this four times already, Liv; I can remember the first day I found out I had cancer at thirteen. When I began cancer treatment, I couldn't wait for the day to finish. But now then I completed treatment, I wasn't sure if I was ready for life after treatment as a cancer survivor. I adjusted though each time it wasn't easy, friends moved on, many kids looked at me as if I was the disease and not a girl who had beaten a disease. My family went from either trying to hard to shelter me or treating me as if I thought I was too good for them."
Carrie jumps to my mind automatically "They resented me for costing them money and taking the adults time away from them. I had to work harder than any other kid in my class to keep up with classwork while battling this disease, the treatments, and side effects. Which sucked by the way."
She pauses, taking a drink of the water I notice Aisling and Presley have wandered off to give us privacy. Not so subtle but appreciated none the less. "After I went home, I found myself battling depression, anger, and isolation I let it consume me for a while I suppose, I had a little support system at home. Truthfully I feel more supported here than I did at home. I lived my life better when I was sick as that sounds. "I didn't take anything for granted. I said what I needed to say. And I kept positive people around me. That's a model for how I want to live now, and I feel guilty when I don't do that. You re a perfect example to me Olivia through all your advisory and challenges, William Lewis for an example you have always managed to live without apology, with a smile, your strength and resilience is remarkable. He tried to break you, and you didn't let him Liv, you turned the tables on him and beat his ass. That's what I am trying to do with Mia." I stare at her. "I nicknamed Leukemia "Mia," only Amanda, I thought, shaking my head laughing.
"I know you think he didn't break me Amanda, but that's not true, William took a piece of me I will never get back, he shattered something inside of me I will never be able to put back together. Even now, I sometimes find myself locking doors twice, putting a nightlight on double-checking windows.:"
"Lying awake staring at the ceiling convincing myself it wasn't some creep breaking in when I hear an animal scurrying, or a wind blowing at the fire escape. Sometimes it worked; it doesn't."
"You never let it show, Liv." Her hand touches my check she's warm and soft "I couldn't Amanda I had the whole team to think about, all of you had your pwn guilt, worry I am the leader I was suppose to be reliable. It's my job to protect you all.
"Maybe it's good you are talking to someone who isn't me. Our relationship is complicated as it is."
"I agree to Liv, very much, so I don't want to burden you with this either. Not because I don't think you can handle it, I know you can but, there has to be some sense of normalcy for me. You provide that for me. Cancer is so scary, no matter how many times you travel this journey. Even amidst a loving family or in a crowd of friends, cancer is lonely. Very lonely. No matter how strong and deep a support system, cancer is a journey that must be taken alone. A solo trek on a formidable journey none of us ever wanted to take in the first place."
"I get that." She shakes her head sadly, "No, Liv, you don't, and you can't possibly get it, cause you've never had cancer. I know you're trying to help but, you have no clue what it feels like to have to go to all these appointments with medical oncologists, radiation oncologists, surgeons, and so much more."
"Deal with everyone having an opinion on how I should live my life what choices I should make."
"You are being too weak to drive myself to appointments to even get out of bed to use the bathroom myself—having to have someone schedule my appointments because I am also out of breath, too tired, mentally and physically to schedule those appointments."
You don't know what it's like to live at pharmacies, have those pharmacists know you by name."
"Oh, then there's the millions of Hospitalizations and surgery. Lose of friends, not just the ones who die, the ones who can't handle the fact you have cancer, and it happens as adults as well as kids. You have ever experienced chemo or the harsh side effects, including the inability to have kids of my own because the Chemo destroyed my reproductive system, made me sterile. Stunt growth, late development, heavy menstruation. In short, cancer sucks."
"Your right Amanda, I am sorry, I should have chosen my words wiser, even listening to you list all that exhausts me, and you have been living it for half your life. It hurts Amanda, I know, pain isn't always visible, but it doesn't make it any less real."
"Your the first person who understands that Liv, beside Aisling, Presley most can't understand that if you don't appear too thin, have sores or bruises on you than your fine and just being a baby. Right now, I look like a baby pig puffy, red, bald ugly." "Oh, Amanda, you are not ugly, sweetheart." She smiles sadly, shaking her head. "Thanks, Liv, but I am I've looked in the mirror my eyes are bloodshot, I'm bald, paler than snow, I got sores, bruises and rashes covering my body. My breasts have lost their fullness; I have no hair anywhere. I'm not pretty, but it will fade, My hair will grow back I'll put on weight lose the water retention. I'll look normal again, inside though it'll change me, I won't be sane for a long time. No one will see that part. They will expect me to go back to work, to laugh the same, think the same. I won't be able to, though. This will change how I view things for a very long time."
I pull her tighter, hearing her talk about her experience has caused something inside of me to melt a wall I built a long time ago has started to crumble. "Amanda, when you are weak, let me be your walls, share your fears with me, I promise I won't think you are strange, well any more than you already are I will listen to you hold you, to me Amanda, you are beautiful scars and all."
My palm traces her jawline, pulling her face upwards, so we are looking into each other's eyes. Amanda's mind was going to that dark place again; I could see it all her fears and self-doubts in my words. She didn't believe me when I told her she is beautiful. Why should she? We've barely been friends for most of our ten years of knowing each other. There's a surge of helplessness which courses through my limp limbs how can I make her see how beautiful she is, that beauty isn't skin deep. Tears blur my eyes; she has no idea that she isn't the only one affected by this, that cancer doesn't just affect the person it's infected.
"Let Go Amanda, just close your eyes and let go of all your emotions. Trust in me, I trust in the Lord; he'll see me through, I will see you through this journey."
Amanda surprisingly allows me to wrap my arms around her, closing her eyes, she's so close now I can breathe in the smell of iron from the bleeding. Usually, a pretty strong smell that would make me nauseous. The disinfectant used to clean the wheelchair; IV Pole drifts to my sense none of it penetrates me any more than the smell of her lips, her breath which reminds me of strawberry shortcake.
I bend Amanda's head back, my lips against her cheek, making her blush laughing from the tickle of my wetness. Brushing her back shoulders lightly, I hear her gasp her lips parting at the escape of air. Both our bodies react to the tickle of my lips, shivering with nerves and anticipation. "If you want me to stop, tell me now," I whisper, having not a clue as to what I am doing, what it means, or why I am doing this. All I know is that being here with her, holding her in my arms, feels right. When she says nothing, I brushed my mouth against the hollow of her temple. "Or now." She traces the line of my cheekbone. "Or now." My lips are against hers. I feel her nails dig into the back of my shoulder. "Kiss me, Olivia, I've been dreaming of this moment forever."
The rest of her words are lost as I press her down against the brick of the fountain speckles of water spray us as I kiss her deeply my hands wrestle with her shirt pulling it up slightly not enough to become provocative since we are outdoors, just enough to cause her body to shiver. My kisses start gently our bodies are pressed together so tightly I can feel her arousal I can feel her stomach muscles taut with pleasure and tension. Amanda, however, isn't in the mood for soft, delicate kisses; she moves her lips, twisting them, so her mouth is open fuller, our tongues playing a game of catch and tease. Her palms press lightly on my back, pushing me into her deeper. Her breasts fully pressed into mine tender flushed flesh rising in gasps of delight as our mouths continue to please each other. She groaned softly, low in her throat, arms encircling me even tighter as she pulls me to her rolling me over; I don't resist the feeling of her warm body pressed on top of mine makes me almost lose myself.
What started slowly as a kiss of hesitation mixed with sympathy became one of curiosity now morphing into desire and need. My head was in a state of quiet wonder as the kiss deepens. I start hearing trains, whistles, fireworks, brilliant displays of color and joy. Each pass between moments of quite a reflection wondering what it would be like to hold her in my arms as we lay naked in bed, kissing each other's bodies, exploring each other with our tongues, fingers which lead to thunderous applesauce inside my head. I can hear her inside my brain moaning calling out my name.
She gasps for air, grabbing my hair head still bent back, so I kiss her throat, which vibrates in pleasure. I only let her have a moment to compose herself, truthfully I love seeing her lose control. We kiss again. This next kiss is the kind that breaks open the sky literally rain starts pouring down drenching us, both of us scream racing to get to safety wheelchair forgotten as I pick her up carrying her despite her squeals of protest. Breathlessly winded from the sprint, I press her against the brick wall; her cheeks are flushed. She's never been more beautiful to me, so I kiss her again, and again I've never tasted anyone or anything so sweet, a mixture of sugary coke, cherry medication, and lust.
