Caught in Reality
His way to school had felt like a walk through a past that had never truly been his.
Shinichi ignored the new shops and restaurants, but didn´t enjoy those he recognized either, but deliberately took one step after another towards his goal. The noise behind the walls of the school ground told him that he was already too late, that the break had already started. He didn't even have half an hour left to talk to her.
'Ran.'
The high schooler swallowed, strode around the last corner, his eyes lowered when he recognized the schoolyard loud and rather turbulent in front of him. The picture didn´t seem to have changed from what he remembered and yet, he wasn´t able to find a familiar face. He knew that the unchanged appearance was nothing but a mirage, just like himself. Shinichi sighed and shook the thought from his mind in order to search for Ran. It didn´t take long to find her in the crowd.
She stood by a group of seats that had found shelter in the shade of blossoming cherry trees, which had been too small back when he went to school to cover the benches. Ran's back was facing him while she watched the hustle and bustle on the schoolyard.
Shinichi noticed how his fingertips began to tingle and yet, he wished he could have stopped time just for this moment to do nothing more than look at her for a while. Who knew if Ran would ever allow him so close after their conversation ever again. He sighed again and pulled Hattori's hat deeper in his face, before he gave in to the numb feeling in his knees and searched his way to her.
XXX
Ran's eyes weren´t fixed on the watch on her wrist that would have told her that he was too late, her thoughts still repeating the conversation with Kazuha from yesterday. She wondered why Sonoko and her hadn´t thought about it earlier - that Heiji might have talked to Kazuha about what happened. Instead she had condemned her friend from Osaka to silence until she could no longer hold back and she started talking like a waterfall.
While Kazuha related what she knew, Ran's fingertips had grown cold. It felt like she had lost all feeling in her hands. It was Kazuha's turn to talk while Sonoko asked a question here and there, while Ran couldn´t do anything but to listen.
Her anger at Shinichi however, only faded slowly while it flickered like a candle in the wind with every detail of his story. He went to the FBI to ask for help, in order to protect not only himself but everyone else. The American organization had agreed to his request in a way even Shinichi hadn´t known about until his arrival in Japan.
He hadn´t known.
He hadn´t known about the condolence they got for Conan's death, nor that Agasa had made small lemon cakes for his funeral or that his mother had visited him and Ai almost daily at the cemetery.
He hadn´t known.
He didn´t know that Kudo Shinichi was regarded by the media as a high school student who had "… put his nose too deep into things that didn't concern him", or "… that finally a case had been too much for him, so that someone put an end to his noisy being". How close they had been to the truth was like a hit in the face for her. How must it have felt form him, to learn that not only Conan, but also Shinichi was somewhat termed dead to the public.
She didn´t know.
Pity ran down her back like hot oil and she found it hard to breathe. Her head started to hurt when she even tried to imagine what he'd been through over the last ten years. She was already sorry for how she'd treated him yesterday. Even though she knew that she'd every right to be angry she couldn´t let it end like that.
When Kazuha had told her how and why Heiji, the kids, his parents and the police got to know about him, a bitter taste found its way on her tongue.
Fine, he hadn´t told them by pure choice.
But that hardly mattered to the young teacher anymore, since he'd decided to keep it a secret from her. Even though he knew that they believed him to be dead, that she was still waiting for him, despite all this he had remained silent.
'Why, Shinichi?'
Of course, she knew his reasons.
Ran understood them, too… at least she tried.
Yet, she couldn't shake the feeling of betrayal, this parasite that was easting her alive.
Shinichi had made this decision.
He'd chosen to take this path and never left her a chance to decide on her own. Bell had granted him a new chance and she was sure that he'd noticed that there wanted to grow something between them, nevertheless he'd decided to stay in his little prison of lies instead of ending the loneliness to which he'd exposed the both of them.
All the risk he'd been trying to keep her from… was it truly worth it?
Ran swallowed and felt a dull throb in her fingertips, while she nervously kneaded her hands in her lap. She had heard much, but knew that he was still keeping some things to himself, from Heiji, his parents and maybe himself as well. Her thoughts danced but the beat was so confusing that she couldn't keep track of the tangle of impressions and emotions.
While Sonoko had slowly grown silent, it was Kazuha who helped her to make a decision.
"You love him, Ran-chan."
Her voice was soft and slightly rough after the long speech and yet, Kazuha managed to catch Ran's gaze with her words.
"The fact that you and Bell- you love him and Kudo-kun…." The young mother lowered her gaze and shook her head before she continued to speak.
"I just think that you shouldn't risk to lose him again."
XXX
"Ran."
His voice ripped her from her memories, her name from his mouth alone managed to send a tingle down her spine. When she looked at him the breath left her lungs with a shiver, while the earthquake of her heart went through her body.
'Shinichi…'
Her lips quivered when she formed his name in silence, but for her mind it was enough to finally process what she saw.
Kudo Shinichi stood in front of her.
No mask, no unfitting clothes, he couldn't hide the truth any longer.
It was just him, simply Shinichi.
His face was smooth, somewhat hidden beneath Heiji's old hat and yet, it bore his father's strong features, which he'd developed during high school. Deep black shadows had were prominent beneath his blue eyes, which she knew showed when a case demanded too much from him. Even his slim figure told her more than he was probably aware of, they had had their quarrel over his eating habits during cases after all. The school uniform he'd decided to wear however, fit. His pockets suggested that the hand's that where hiding in them were cramped into fists.
Ran swallowed and noticed that her eyes had started to burn.
He looked just like when he'd left her… and yet so young.
Just like he'd jumped out of one of her photo albums, like he'd escaped the frame… or time itself.
She paused and felt how the lump in her throat started to grow. Somehow Ran had the feeling that it wasn´t him that had left her behind, but she.
She ran away…
Unreachable ten years ahead, while he couldn't move from the spot.
It was Shinichi who had kept waiting.
He felt her eyes burning beneath his skin, for a moment he pondered whether it truly had been such a good idea to meet her. Shinichi swallowed, noticed his dry throat and rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment, while he desperately tried to start a conversation somehow.
"I'm sorry for being late. He wasn´t quite ready yet… so I thought it was the least likely outfit to cause a stir." Ran just stared at him until she processed his words. The young teacher blinked and looked around in the schoolyard as if she was seeing it for the first time today and slowly nodded. But when her eyes reached the small wound on his cheek, she ordered her trembling voice to speak.
"But isn´t it too dangerous? When- I mean, they could-" Ran didn´t finish her sentence and tightened her lips, while she tried to avoid looking around too conspicuously. Shinichi however knew what she tried to say, he sighed and shook his head almost amused.
"After what happened yesterday it probably doesn't matter anyway."
"But you said…" The bitter smile on Shinichi's lips gave way into a tired sigh.
"William Bell still exits for the public and I think it's better if it stays that way."
'For know.'
"I understand." Ran's quiet voice had barely reached his ear and was followed by a silence that lingered between them like heavy fog.
The young teacher got up and took a step away from the bench, her breathing was steady and with each inhale she was able to arrange her thoughts. Even though the thick coat of composure itched all over her skin. Ran sighed, the spring wind tugged at her dress and almost carried her question away.
"Why?"
She saw him flinch before he looked up, but Ran managed to keep her voice steady.
"Why didn´t you tell me?"
Her blue eyes looked at him.
He knew that she would immediately know if he tried to lie to her. The detective focused his gaze on the ground. His stomach felt like it had been filled with stones, while his mind tried to distract him from the problem so that his eyes fell to her shoes.
They were flat and Shinichi knew right away that she'd decided against heels and was grateful for it, even though she still was a litter taller tham him, without Bell's special shoes.
It couldn´t be more than an inch, but Shinichi had already decided that he hated that very inch from the bottom of his heart. After all, it was the reason that he had to raise his gaze slightly higher in order to look her in the eyes.
If he could look her in the eyes, that is.
His voice was weak when he finally did.
"I thought – I hoped you knew that by now."
Ran's face hardened again at his response, anger and disappointment returned to her features and caused her voice to tremble.
"After all your secrets and lies I am supposed to know the truth?" She could see how he bit bis lips, but his silence only forced her to continue.
"Can you imagine what it is like? To be told that the one you worry about all the time was right in front of you? Can you imagine how it is when you get to know that this idiot- that he…" She could feel how her eyes started to burn and tried to ban the pictured form her mind, Heiji's broken voice that had been haunting her for the past ten years, repeating itself over and over again.
He's dead.
Ran shook her head and ignored the little voice that tried to suggest that she was actually having a conversation with a ghost.
"I've been waiting, Shinichi… and then there was Bell." Her hands clenched into fists, Shinichi could see that her knuckles turned white while she spoke.
"I thought I was finally able to forget you…" Her words were little more than a whisper but they didn´t miss their goal, so he closed his eyes and simply endured the pain.
"You can`t imagine how it is like… to suddenly feel like this for a stranger. It felt like treason. Dirty and painful and yet there is this tiny spark of hope that makes you go further and further.
I really thought-" Ran swallowed and turned her gaze away from him, while her sentence still lingered unfinished in the air, before her voice grew bitter again.
"Until Ayumi opened my eyes. Until I saw what I didn´t want to see, because I couldn't bear the thought that you would to something like this to me again. I've been angry, hurt, but I believed and hoped that you wouldn´t do something like that to me again… I hoped you would tell me."
Her heart pounded in her chest, while her eyes threatened to spill over, just when the pain began to swallow her. Ran shook her head and blinked away the tears before she looked at him again.
"That's it, I'm done with you making decisions for me. I am no longer a child." She knew how her words must sound in his hears, but she just didn´t care. He'd been lying to her, deceived and used her, right now it was up to him to endure what she had to say.
"Our… our friendship isn´t something that you have to protect on your own and to be honest your previous attempts failed miserably. You trying to protect me, us – is was brought us here." Her voice trembled more and more, the anger inside her seemed to fade with each word, while his pale face made her stomach drop, but the realization in his eyes was worth the nausea. Ran swallowed and licked her dry lips before she continued to speak.
"I don´t want to be lied to, Shinichi. I make my own decisions."
She took another step towards him, she could almost feel the warmth of his fingertips on her own.
"I've been waiting so long… I guess I can wait a little longer."
Shinichi's eyes grew wide, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears.
For an almost endless moment he couldn´t do more than stare at her, this beautiful woman who was still ready to wait for him… who still, loved him?
Shinichi swallowed, but his throat stayed dry. His head felt like it was about to burst. He knew what he was supposed to tell her, knew what he wanted to tell her, but his voice sounded foreign even in his own ears when he finally asked a question he himself had not expected.
"Why… Ran?"
His whisper brought a smile to her lips.
"I've made this decision more than ten years ago, Shinichi." He paused, his heart stopped for a second, but his mind wasn´t able to shake off reality so soon.
"You're going to be in danger, Ran." But his porous voice could no longer change Mori Ran's opinion. Her tone was soft, but not without emphasis.
"And that, Shinichi… is also my decision."
"Ran…"
Words failed him.
He couldn´t comprehend, could not understand, how it was possible that she was able to forgive him so easily. He would have loved to take her hand, holding her close to him, but the detective was well aware of his surroundings, so that he left it by a small smile accompanied by a sigh.
"I really would have loved to dine with you."
"Then do it…" Her voice was relentless, she wondered if he had heard her correct, or if he didn´t want to understand what she'd just said. Why did she have to make it so difficult for him?
He shook his head again, even though her voice still formed goosebumps on his skin, he wanted nothing more for her than to understand.
"That's not possible."
Shinichi swallowed and turned his gaze away from her.
'I can`t.'
Ran however didn´t let go so easily, she reached for his hand and ignored the stares and glances around them. Her voice was low, barely more than a whisper, but yet demanding.
"When all this is over, the case, the organization, you- you don´t have to go back to Amerika, Shinichi." She pressed his hand, could feel his pulse underneath her fingertips.
"Stay."
Her eyes held him captured, the detective struggled to free himself from her grip, but her touch still echoed under his skin, making it even harder for him to speak.
"And what do you imagine, Ran? How is this supposed to work? That can't… I can´t. Not like that…"
Shinichi could feel how her eyes followed his gesture, looking at him until her gaze found his again. But the hope they kept let the lump in his throat grow in size. Why couldn´t she see the truth, why didn´t she understand that the one she loved didn´t exist.
Not anymore.
"What about the antidote? The Professor told us that Ai had been hiding the pills from you. Couldn´t you-"
"The effect was only temporary. Even if I would find them it only would be short lived." Shinichi sighed, he didn´t mention that it was questionable if it would work anyway, since his body had developed an immunity to the drug that was meant to give him his body back.
"Besides, I don´t want you to go through this again, Ran. I can`t play along, living a life that isn´t real." He swallowed a bitter smile that crept over his lips as he noticed how vain he sounded.
"Assuming you still want the "old Shinichi" at all." She rolled her eyes, but Shinichi was relived to see how the damp glow disappeared from them.
"You're twenty-seven, Shinichi, not eighty." Her smile caught his eye, but the sarcasm in his words mixed with the truth.
"Sorry… it's difficult to see what's real anymore."
The detective swallowed, listened to the tumult of the high schoolers around them that only made the silence between them louder.
He still owed her an answer.
"I can`t stay."
"But Bell can."
Shinichi looked up in surprise, saw the determination in Ran's eyes that threatened to tear his heart apart.
'This woman…' Shinichi shook his head with a tired smile.
Even though he couldn´t prevent a spark of hope rising in his heart. Ran wanted it so much, she was willing to share his lie just to have him by her side, to be with him.
Maybe… they really had a chance.
"So, you want to live with this lie?" Ran didn´t hesitate, her eyes kept him under her spell while she spoke.
"If I have to until- until…"
However, Ran wasn´t allowed to finish her sentence.
"Mori-sensei, hello!" The young voice ripped the two from their conversation, Ran let her eyes wander to the suddenly alien world around them, realizing how two of her students were approaching them. For a moment Shinichi thought he could recognize the detective boys, until the high schoolers were close enough to see the unfamiliar faces. The three boys didn´t pay attention to him, but instead looked up to their teacher, while one with short shaved hair started to speak.
"We've got a question…" The nagging tone alone suggested that they wanted something from her.
"Since the weather is so nice we thought we could delay our homework to next-…" But the high schooler stopped, only now realizing that they had just burst into a conversation and now fixated the high schooler beside her.
"Are you new here?"
'What?'
The question was like a hit in the face for the both of them.
No one was able to reply to the high schooler, while he heard Ran beside him gasp for air and a tiny voice sneered in his ear.
'Told you so.'
Shinichi didn´t flinch when Ran's voice suddenly grew louder, clearly hitting the tone of a typical teacher.
The question had struck her like an electric shock that made her muscles still and stole her breath. Her eyes wandered to Shinichi, who just stared at the high schooler, before she finally found her voice again.
"No and no, I'll await your essay tomorrow. You should go and prepare for your next lesson, the break is nearly over." The high schoolers shrugged briefly and looked at their teacher in surprise. Shinichi's gaze however was focused on Ran alone, he could see how she trembled. However, when the students disappeared their voices still reached their ears.
"If he isn´t new here, then who is he?"
"No idea, maybe her little brother?"
The numb feeling returned to his body, Shinichi could see how Ran's fists opened and closed, just like she wasn´t able to find a grip in this world anymore.
His next words were not only directed at her, but also at the little part in him that had been infected by her hope, the part that whished her to be right.
"I can`t, Ran. This is not going to work."
His sad smile withstood her terrified gaze. He took a step towards her, his lips nearly touched her ear while he stepped past her.
"I'm sorry…"
His breath caressed her cheek, Shinichi's apology reverberating dully inside her. Each of his words hammered her to the ground, so that when she finally looked around, she only saw him disappear through the school gate, while the bell rang in the distance.
The schoolyard slowly emptied; the steady flow of students who disappeared in the building calmed her thoughts.
That hadn´t changed anything.
This was his reality, that was what she had been talking about… that was- what they both had to endure.
Somehow.
Even though he wasn´t ready to share it right now.
Ran swallowed and noticed how goosebumps slowly settled on her skin, while she stared back to the spot where he'd disappeared.
'But it takes two to make this decision, Shinichi. You did not ask me back then… and today I'm not about to ask you." Ran's hand slid to her cheek, still felling the memory of his warm breath on her skin, while her heart provided her body with new courage with each beat.
"You won´t get away this easy this time… Shinichi."
Hi!
I hope all of you are safe and healthy!
Sorry that I wasn´t able to reply to all of your reviews even through each of them warmed my heart and made me smile! - But with Corona and business stuff there was just too much work- I am really really sorry.
Hope the chapter will make up for it! Tobina was able to beta again so yeay! Thanks for her work!
I hope you'll like the chapter and of course I would love to see your reviews.
I wish each of you happy easter, please stay safe!
Till next month,
~ Shelling
