Chapter 31
There was something about Clarke's words that stuck with Octavia. She couldn't help but think them over and over. Clarke had called her "her Champion." She hadn't said "the Champion;" she actually said "my Champion." It made Octavia's heart swell, but she knew that she couldn't dwell on it. There were still things that needed to be done, things that needed to be said, voiced, and explained, but for now, Octavia would bask in the knowledge that Clarke still thought of her as "hers" in a way. It would have to be enough until Octavia could give her back the Valley. Octavia knew that she couldn't make a move on Clarke until they were in Eden. She was still trying to prove herself worthy of the Great Wanheda's affections. She was just glad that Madi seemed to like her.
She was in her office looking over the maps. It wasn't a happy sight with Clarke's notations and Indra's assessments. They were still going to have to cross the desert and it was going to take at least seven days to do it, if not more. They would lose people in the wasteland, and she knew it. Hell, they already had. Her head hurt just thinking about it.
"I need Diyoza's ship," she mused.
It would be the easiest and most uncomplicated way to get them all into Eden. But, she didn't think that Echo and Raven could pull off that miracle. Raven was good at what she did. Echo was a good spy and assassin. Together, they would be a good team to rattle and keep Diyoza on her toes, looking at Eden instead of at them, but they wouldn't be enough. If she knew that Emori and Murphy were helping, it might just be enough, but even she knew that was a lie. For anything like that to happen, Octavia or Clarke would have to be in the Valley. And, Diyoza would just kill them on sight.
Shaking her head, she tried not to think about it. She had other things to worry about. The farm wasn't doing well, but Monty said he had ideas. It was promising, but so was the food in Eden. She knew that more people would start to defect and brave the desert on their own, if they didn't get something started soon. She had plans, but they all took time and now, they didn't have that time. Diyoza would send more overtures. She would turn the people against Octavia for the simple reason that she could.
"Don't look like that," Clarke said as she entered the room and sat down in front of the desk.
"How can I not? She has a ship. She has the your mother and Kane," Octavia started.
"So, what, O? You are the Osleya en Blodreina. You are their leader. Give them something to follow and they will."
"I tried that and even Kane started to resist. He wasn't always so vocal about it. He wanted peace among us all and he still does. Diyoza's overture reeks of him. If he is in the valley trying to court peace with that woman, we are marching to our deaths."
"We were marching to our death before, Octavia. We've gone up against worse odds and came out on top. We fought the Mountain with a handful of people and I destroyed an entire civilization. It was a small one, but still. I have to believe that we can handle a few hundred prisoners from before the bombs."
Octavia wanted to smile, but she couldn't. She still felt every death personally. She couldn't help it. These were her people. And as much as it pained her to admit, she missed Kane's debates and Abby's directness. She needed them. She needed to get her people to the Valley before all Hell broke loose. She had an army. She had guards. They were fierce. They were loyal. But, Diyoza still had that blasted ship.
"They'll figure it out, O. We just have to give them time. Monty made the virus. It'll work. We just have to give Echo and Raven time to upload it."
"I hate relying on her," Octavia said as she pushed back from the desk.
"Why?"
"She tried to kill me."
"I tried to kill you."
"No, you didn't," Octavia stated.
"I left you to die in TonDC with Indra. I knew the rocket was coming and I ran away with Lexa to protect your brother. I willing to sacrifice you and my own mother to save everyone in the Mountain," Clarke lamented.
"But, you weren't the one that was trying to kill me, Clarke. The Mountain was because they knew that we were meeting and they knew that if you and Lexa teamed up together, you would bring the Mountain down. Why do you think that Cage sent Emerson to give Lexa the offer? Old man Wallace knew that you cared for her and that she cared for you, but he also knew that it was an impossible decision. She had to give you up in order to save the thousands locked in the cages or sacrifice them for you. What is it that you and Bell are always saying about making command decisions?"
"Head over heart," Clarke added.
"Exactly. You know that Lexa had to take the deal, even though it would make her weak. She left us there to die because she was saving her people at the expense of us. She knew that you would hate her. She knew that you might die, but she still walked away to save them. You've admitted that you would have done the same. Being what I am now and knowing what I know, I would have, too."
"Doesn't mean that it doesn't still suck," Clarke stated.
"I know. But, now, we are faced with a perilous march across an unknown, killer desert for the last piece of paradise on Earth. Should we just give up and accept Diyoza's demands? She would trade one tyrant for another?"
"That's drastic, even for you," Clarke replied.
"I know that I am strict. I would be labeled as a tyrant based on what was taught on the Ark. Clarke, I've done things that I am not proud of in the name of keeping Man alive. I know that you have, too, but that doesn't mean that I don't feel all of their deaths. It doesn't mean that I sleep easily at night. I don't. I haven't in about four years. But, now...now on top of all of that, I have to trust that a woman that had tried to kill me several times and probably will again will actually keep her word and help us pave a way into the Valley."
"You don't like waiting," Clarke mused.
"No, I don't. I want answers. I want to know that we can go to our home. I want to be able to walk that Valley and just lay in the grass. I want to look at the swimming hole and just jump in, knowing that there are no mutant snakes trying to kill, and that we are free of the bunker. Eden means freedom. It means that I can turn over my mantle to someone else. Hell, we could vote on a leader. We get to write new laws. We get to start over and be worthy of it all this time. We were all fighting because we thought we owned the Earth. We don't own it, Clarke. We use it. We barrow it for our salvation."
"You've done a lot of reading in here, haven't you?"
Octavia laughed. "How could I not? I went from being the 'Girl beneath the floor' to the 'Girl beneath the Earth.' Same issues, different prison, Clarke."
"Do you still feel trapped?"
"Every day. Just because the bunker is open, doesn't mean I'm free. I'm not. I can't be. I have things that I have to do in order to make sure that we all survive and that we find our way to the Valley. I don't have time to myself. I don't get to stop just because it gets hard. I still have to lead them all. I have to fulfill the promises that I made to them. I can't just let it go. I can't walk away. As soon as the door closed, my life ended and Blodreina's began."
"But, you aren't this Blodreina person anymore, O. You're the Osleya and the people know that. You are their Champion. You won the Conclave. You secured the bunker. You've delivered them back to the surface and you will deliver them into the Valley. I have no doubts in that."
"I do," Octavia said as she pushed the maps towards Clarke.
"We'll figure it out."
"You say that now, but what happens when they can't take out the 'eye in the sky?' Will we still be able to make the trek if Monty can't fix the farm? Are the people still going to be able to follow me when they have the great Wanheda here to lead them? Or, gods forbid, Madi?"
Clarke moved quickly like a snake striking. She was up and on the table, hand over Octavia's mouth and knife to her throat, faster than Octavia could blink. Green eyes and blue warred before Clarke finally surrendered her position. She didn't move from the desk. She didn't move her hand from Octavia's mouth, but she did put her knife away. Sitting there, knees on the desk, her eyes bore into Octavia.
"Don't you dare even think about invoking the Hedas," Clarke hissed.
"She is safe with me, Clarke. It isn't me that I'm worried about her spending time with though. Gaia will corrupt her to for her own benefit. She's done it very subtly with Ethen. I know that it was here, but it doesn't matter. He won't folllow me unless I grant him a gun. She hopes that had a Heda to train, to teach, to mold into a great leader like most of them before Lexa."
"Lexa was a good leader."
"I am not saying that she isn't, Clarke. I am just saying that Gaia has been teaching the children about the line of succession. I think it was partially because it was a shared history between the clans, but it was more than that. She made the learn it and regurgitate it back to her at will. She's made the children learn the line of the Hedas from Beka Pramheda to Lexa kom Trikru."
"You wouldn't let her teach about Ontari?" Clarke questioned as she sat down on the desk now, still in front of Octavia.
"That bitch? No. She never bore the flame, not even for a second. She cannot be added to the list."
"What did you do, O?" Clarke asked as soon as she realized that Octavia ducked her head and looked away. "O?"
"I made Gaia add you to the list."
"I...me? Why? I wasn't even a natblida. She never gave me the Flame because of Roan."
"But, you used Ontari's blood and took the Flame in order to defeat A.L.I.E., Clarke. Even if it was only an hour or so, you bore the Flame and lived to tell about it. You met with Lexa. You used the power of the Heda's to save us from Becca's other chip. Once again, you sacrificed yourself in order to protect not only those of left from the original hundred, but the survivors of the Ark and the entire population of the Earth. You almost died to save us all. You've done it more than once, Clarke and the children needed to know about it. To me, you were the last of the Heda's, be it true or not. Lexa kom Trikru might have been the last Natblida Heda, but that doesn't demean what you did."
"You altered history for me?" Clarke asked her, and then realized that she was still sitting on the table in front of Octavia.
She hadn't moved. She sat there and listened to Octavia's explanation. But, she knew that there was more to it. Octavia was drawing her in and she didn't know why. There was something about the Octavia that she was getting to see behind closed doors that no one else did.
"I altered nothing, Clarke. I gave credit where credit was due. Some of the clans weren't happy with my acknowledgement of you as the last Heda, but they were happy to know that their Wanheda did the responsible thing and gave us the Flame. Some have even wished that you kept it and lead us in here," Octavia explained, gave a self-depreciating laugh and then continued. "I know that I am one of them."
Clarke didn't say anything. And, honestly, there was nothing that would change Octavia's mind. She wanted to make sure that Clarke was listed and not looked upon as a false Heda to the people. In her mind, she was still the false leader. It didn't matter that she was Blodreina. She was the leader of a new civilization that was being built over another. It was no different than what the hedas had done.
"Octavia..."
"Clarke just let it go. The people know who and what you are. They still respect you."
"They respect you, too, Octavia. They are just scared. Everything is scary and new. Nothing is as it was. I understand what they are feeling. It sucks and it is very daunting. On top of all that, Diyoza is working to undermine you. She's using known and effective military tactics. She doesn't care about us or even we survive. I know that we can both agree on this, but she needs some of us. She might not have the resources to survive, so she needs some of us in order to do that. Offering the food gets her that. Getting more of them to defect will get her more. She's smart. She's a tactician. She's playing the long game."
"We need to do that, too," Octavia stated.
"We are."
"You still want me to forgive Echo," Octavia said more than asked.
"I do."
"Why?"
"Why do I want you to forgive her?"
"Yes."
"Would you believe me if I told you it was more than just the fact that she loves your brother?" Clarke asked her.
"By the way you asked, no," Octavia replied.
"Good, because it's true. I know that she tried to kill you, O. Hell, she tried to kill me, too. She was doing what she thought was best at the time and what she thought was best for Azgeda. She knows that. She learned more about us from Raven, Bell and the rest on the Go-Sci Ring. She taught them about being a Grounder. She taught them to fight. She fell in love with your brother. She's trying, Octavia. She wants to be part of your world for Bellamy's sake, but she knows that she's banished. She knows that you hate her and with reason. Why do you think that she didn't fight you on the assignment? She knows that if she can prove her worth, you might let her stay," Clarke explained.
"But, you claimed her," Octavia stated.
"I had to do something. You wanted to kill her, O. Plus, I know that you wouldn't refuse a request from me," Clarke added.
"You played me with that one statement and you know it. You've backed me into a corner with her. If she survives Diyoza, I'll have to let her live."
"I know."
"You care about everyone too much," Octavia stated.
"And, if I didn't, then I wouldn't be Wanheda."
Octavia pushed back some more. Her chair hit the fixture behind her, next to the wall. She leaned back as far as she could and looked into Clarke's eyes. There was a familiar fire in them, but there was more. Octavia shook her head. She wasn't sure that being that close to Clarke was a good idea.
She started to move as , but Clarke reached out for her. Grabbing her arm and holding her in place, Clarke slipped off the desk. She made sure to get into Octavia's space. They both knew that they needed to address it. Octavia had said her piece and left everything up to Clarke.
"Tomorrow, I'll bow for you," Clarke told her.
"Why?"
"Because I know you care," Clarke answered simply.
Octavia ducked her head and went in the opposite direction of Clarke. She didn't trust herself being so close and not to kiss her again. She'd given Clarke enough to run with, and she was leaving it up to her if anything more happened. But, the Clarke in front of her just then wasn't the same Clarke that had confronted her just a few days ago. Octavia didn't know what to do with that, so she just moved.
"I've never not cared."
"That's not true," Clarke replied.
"Pike doesn't count."
"He killed Lincoln and you killed him for it. You'd been living on nothing but your want for revenge. You met Illian and tried to be a farmer, O. You, our assassin, the glorified and feared Skairipa, tried to be a farmer. Do you know how senseless that sounds?"
"I just wanted peace, Clarke. I was so over everything. I was tired."
"Tired of what?"
"Life...fighting...being angry...I needed that time away to realize that we were the problem, but that we could be the solution."
"What you learned in days, weeks, even, took me years," Clarke replied.
"But..."
"Oh, that three months after Mount Weather helped me start to realize what I could do. It gave me clarity and eventually, I learned that I had to forgive myself for what happened. Lexa actually taught me that with a very strange and backhanded comment."
"Yeah, and what was that?" Octavia asked as she moved towards the couches.
"She told me that the reason that I hated her so much for what happened at Mount Weather was because I hated myself. I was punishing myself just as much as I was punishing her. I'd had months to think about her leaving and I knew that it was the best thing for all the Grounders, even though it made her look weak. She did to save her people and unfortunately at the time, we weren't part of the Coalition. She did what she had to do and so did I, but in the moment, I could only see her walking away as the greatest betrayal since my mother went to Jaha about my father. Lexa wasn't trying to hurt me or us. She wanted to stay. She would have fought by our side, but she was afraid that the would launch another missle. And, she was right. I did hate her because I blamed her for everything that happened there."
"What did you say to her?"
"Something along the lines that I could hates us both," Clarke answered and looked down at the desk, the maps and notes. "She wasn't Cage or Dante. She wasn't the one who ordered the drilling in our bodies for our marrow. Cage did that. I shot Dante in cold blood to prove a point. I was so scared of myself after that and I couldn't look anyone in the eye without thinking what I'd done, Octavia. I could even try to begin to forgive myself."
"You did what you had to do in order to save us all," Octavia told her.
"And, in doing so, I sentenced over three hundred fifty people to burn in radiation soaked air to save what forty? I realized that I had become a monster. I was the Wanheda. I commanded death. I was the one making the decisions who lived or died. And, I realized that I had been doing it since we landed here. I killed Atom because he was already dying because of the acid fog. I caused everything that happened between Murphy, Raven, Bellamy and Charlotte. I was trying to do what I thought was right without all the facts and a thirteen year old girl jumped off a cliff. Murphy has a healthy disdain for us all. Raven can barely walk and Bellamy needs to feel important. I ordered the death of three hundred warriors just to save what was left us hundred. I stabbed Finn in order to save us all because Lexa demanded his life for the eighteen he took. It was a mercy killing. I knew what they would do to him. I followed Lexa out of TonDC when the Mountain fired their missile at it. I let two hundred and fifty burn just to protect our battle strategy and Bellamy. Two hundred and fifty for one... After the Mountain, I need time to decompress, to think, to understand, to believe that I was right for doing it all. It didn't stop the nightmares. It didn't stop me from seeing them."
"And, now?"
"Now, I'm trying to figure out how we can save humanity and still protect my daughter. I will not sacrifice her for this, Octavia. I can't."
"No one is asking you to, Clarke. I thought we already agreed that I won't let her become Heda. Look, I know that you found some sort of peace with her in the Valley. I heard all about it. You've started to forgive yourself, but it as more than that. You realized that even though you are capable of such things, you don't do it lightly. You never have. Everything that you did was out of the love that you have for us and I am thankful for it. To be honest, I didn't get it until I got locked in the bunker. I think I understand better than anyone else here."
"But, Bellamy?"
"He doesn't understand because honestly as much as I love my brother, he isn't a leader. He is a follower. When both of you were in command, he listened to you. He needs someone to temper him. You don't. You think it through and then you do what you think that you have to. But, I also know that you never do it with a light heart. Every death weighs on you, just as it did for me. And, hopefully, Man won't need us to be so ruthless. Unfortunately, that day is not today," Octavia stated.
"I hope you're right."
"So, now we have to do the one thing that we both hate to do as leaders of our people," Octavia said.
"We wait."
"Exactly," Octavia added and let herself fall back into the couch.
She heard Clarke moving. She tilted her head up to look into her eyes. She saw a fire in them. It was more than just a normal fire. There was a passion that Octavia hadn't seen in years, and she had to admit to herself that it looked good to see it again.
"You've been totally alone in here even though you were surrounded by hundreds," Clarke started like suddenly everything was starting to make sense to her.
"I am their leader, so of course, I am. I can't let anyone close without it seeming like favoritism. But, even I was selfish about who I kept as part of my council. I made sure that Indra was on it because I trusted her. I made sure that you mother was on it because I needed my doctor. She kept the pulse of the bunker and let me know what we needed to do to survive. I kept Niylah close because she told me things. She was good at reading the mindset of the mob. Kane was a must because I needed someone that would openly defy me, well, at least to a degree. The rest of them were selected by the people. Miller wouldn't hear of me putting him on the council. He was content with being my guard and nothing more."
"So you listened to me talk every day as a way to escape the turmoil?"
"Yes," Octavia replied.
"I am the one that kept you sane?"
"Yes."
"How?"
"I guess I was just following the orders of my Wanheda," Octavia mused.
"And now?"
"I'm still trying to find a way to the valley that won't cause so much death. I am trying to make you proud. I am trying to leader our people home."
Clarke nodded along as she stalked across the room. Octavia couldn't help but think about the time she'd done the same thing. With her eyes locked on Clarke's, she stood up. She didn't know where she was going to move to, but she knew that she needed to give Clarke space. This wasn't the time or the place for anything more to happen between them. Clarke needed to learn more about her. She had a very unfair advantage. She'd had a few years to pine after the blonde, but the blonde didn't know when or if she would ever get any of them back.
"O..."
"Clarke, I think..." Octavia was cut off by the blonde as she grabbed her and pulled her close.
Their faces were centimeters apart. She could feel the blonde's breath on her lips. She could see the look in Clarke's eyes.
"I read your notes. I read Lexa's. I think that I could..." Clarke started, closed her eyes and leaned forward.
There was a loud bang on the door. Octavia shook and pushed Clarke slightly away as she bid whoever enter. Miller came in, looked between the two, cocked an eyebrow and then waited for Octavia to command him.
"What is it, Miller?"
"Echo's on the radio."
