Chapter 30

It had been three weeks since Lou had lost the baby, and Buck's world had turned upside down. He blamed himself for the miscarriage, if he hadn't had Lou help him with Kathleen, she would never have gotten in that fight, she would never have been kicked in the stomach. And what's worse is Lou blamed him too… or at least he thought she did. She had barely spoken to him since that night. Though truth be told she barely spoke to anybody since that night. Buck found himself in the barn … again… he had spent a lot of time in there in the past three weeks. He sat in the back stall, his back pressed against the wall, his knees curled up to his chest as he cut on a piece of wood with his knife, he wasn't even making anything just cutting it to a point.

Buck growled as he threw the sharpened stick as hard as he could away from him. He wanted to punch something. He wanted to scream and yell to the spirits. He wanted to curse Red Bear for his prophecy. He had known. He had warned them. But it had not prepared him for the pain he was feeling and he would have to go through this again, that's what Red Bear had said. Lou would lose two children before she gave birth to twins. Buck slammed his head back against the wall, tears streaming down his face.

"Buck, honey you in here?" Emma's voice called from the barn door.

Buck contemplated just sitting there quietly and letting Emma walk away but he found himself calling out to her, "I'm here."

Emma walked into the barn and headed towards where she heard Buck's voice. She found him looking more lost than she had ever seen him. Emma lowered herself down next to Buck and put her arm around him, letting him lay his head against her bosom as he cried. "I know … I know how it hurts. I remember the pain. I remember wanting to scream and shout at God for taking my baby from me. The pain never truly goes away, but it will get better, Buck."

"It's my fault Emma. Lou wouldn't have lost the baby if I hadn't had her help me with Kathleen." Buck whispered brokenly.

"No honey, it's not your fault. You and I both know you couldn't have stopped Lou from dealing with that woman. You didn't know she was pregnant and Lou didn't know, if she did, she wouldn't have gotten into that fight." Emma told him, rubbing his back as he cried against her.

"If I had never gotten involved with that woman in the first place, this wouldn't have happened. If I had listened to the doctor and waited to have relations with Lou like we were supposed to, she wouldn't have been pregnant in the first place." Buck argued.

"Buck, now you listen to me. The what ifs will drive you crazy. What happened is horrible, it's life changing, but it happened. It can't change and thinking about all the things you could have done different won't help. What will help is sticking together, loving each other, being there for each other. You both are hurting, you both are going through a terrible loss. Don't push each other away, cling to each other, and you will come out stronger." Emma scolded Buck gently.

"I don't know if I can go through this again, Emma. Red Bear said Lou would lose two babies … this hurts so bad. I don't know if I can do it again." Buck whispered, his voice hoarse from his tears.

"Honey, I know it hurts. I know you're scared. But sweetie, if you don't try to move forward, you'll never have those babies he saw too. Don't focus on the loses, focus on the life you created. What you two share is so special and the baby you created is evidence of that. Focus on the love." Emma encouraged him.

Buck sat up and wiped his face off and smiled sadly at Emma, "Thank you Emma, you're right. It hurts, it will always hurt, but you're right. I love Lou more than anything and we made a baby together. I need to go talk to Lou. She blames me, I need to make things right."

"She's down by the creek and she doesn't blame you, she blames herself." Emma told him.

Buck stood and offered Emma his hand to help her up. Emma embraced Buck and kissed him on the cheek. "It will get better sweetheart, and if you or Lou need to talk, I'm here. I'll always be here for you two."

He let go of Emma and walked away to find Lou. Buck made his way to the creek and found Lou sitting on a large flat rock at the water's edge. Her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them and her head on her arms. Lou's shoulders were shaking with silent sobs. Buck made his way over to her and joined her on the rock, without her ever looking up at him. He sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. Lou lifted her head and moved to lay it on his chest as he held her close, Lou's sobs shaking her small frame.

"I know, honey, I know. I'm so sorry." Buck whispered, his own tears streaming down his face.

"It's my fault… I wanted to beat that woman … I didn't know Buck … you have to believe me I didn't know I was pregnant… I didn't know I could get pregnant that soon." Lou cried against his chest.

"No Lou, it's not your fault. I know you didn't know, neither of us did. I never would have allowed you to fight her and you would never have fought her if you knew. Neither of us knew you were pregnant, that you could get pregnant that soon after having Rider. I blamed myself… I thought you blamed me too." Buck told her, rubbing her back in much the same way Emma had rubbed his.

"I never blamed you Buck… Red Bear warned us. We have to go through this once more …. I don't know if I can do this again." Lou said brokenly.

"I know … I had the same thoughts. But Emma told me something that I'm going to tell you. I love you and the love we share created a life. We made a baby together … we need to focus on that. Our love for each other created a child. And we will create more. Yes we will lose another according to Red Bear but we will get through it together. We can handle anything as long as we are together. I'm here for you, always have been, always will be. We will get through this pain together. And Emma will be here too, if you need to talk to someone who knows what you are feeling that isn't me." Buck told her.

Lou looked up at Buck, her face wet with tears to see Buck's equally as wet. "I've been pushing you away … but you're hurting as much as I am. I'm sorry. I love you Buck. I'll get through this … we'll get through this."

Buck reached his hand to Lou's face and brushed the tears away with his thumbs before leaning forward and kissing her gently. Lou closed her eyes as their lips touched. She had never felt more loved and cherished even in the midst of her pain, she knew things would be alright eventually. Buck would be there for her, he was always there for her. And she would be there for him too. Together.

"Come on let's go home, honey." Buck said standing offering his hand to Lou.

Lou took it and was pulled to her feet and into Buck's arms. He held her tightly to his chest, holding her together and she held him just as tightly. Together hand in hand they returned to their home and to the rest of their family. Yes, it hurt, yes, it would always hurt. Yes they would have to go through this again, but they would survive, they had each other. And they had a family that loved them and would help them through it. They would always be there for each other.

A/N: Thanks Shauna for the beta. Thank you everybody for the kind reviews. This story is rapidly coming to a close, the next chapter is most likely the last. There is a sequel planned, that will be set some years down the road. This chapter was very hard to write, I hope I did it justice.