I'm insanely happy with this chapter, hope you will like it too. I updated another chapter today, too, so don't get confused. And added another section at the end after. If you haven't read the previous chapter fully, the continuity wouldn't make perfect sense then here.
And because I'm frequently updating, I think, this site's software doesn't show my updates as it's supposed to. So be aware, too.
Enjoy. (Not proofread even once again, sorry. I'll try to do it in the morning)
XVIII.
One good thing with the attack at Alexandria, Rick wouldn't need to worry about home now. The attack had come and passed, and even with their casualties they were alive.
And they had a war to finish now. Not only win.
He looked at them when they gathered back at their house, all standing up. He'd already trashed the hall, and what else had remained had been plundered by the Saviors, so the house was barren—empty, not even seats to sit. Barren and empty… Everything I had before you was so barren, so empty… Never…never again. Nothing she had was ever going to be barren and empty, never again. They still lived. It was enough. They were going to fill the rest again.
"This's good," he told his audience then, "They already made their moves, so we don't need to worry about it no longer. But I want the wall and gates be watched non-stop." He turned to Michonne, "Michonne?"
The Afro-American woman nodded simply, "We're on it. Rosita prepares the shifts."
Rick nodded back, and turned to Abraham and Sasha and Maggie, "You were going to leave for Hilltop yesterday. You should. We need to get them on broad and secure the community. We still need them, and you gotta train 'em."
Abraham and Sasha nodded, but Maggie shook her head, "No. I'm coming with you. I need to see my sister."
"No, Maggie—" Rick told her, "I need you there at Hilltop. These people are gonna need someone to lead them. We'll come Hilltop soon."
"Where are we goin' then?" Daryl asked.
"We'll go to the Kingdom—" Rick answered without hesitation, "We need to talk Richard. Learn what's happening with them." He turned to the Oceanside women, "You can't come. Not before I talk to Richard first. I let you come with me because I thought it was fair—" and he needed them to fight, "but I'm not gonna do it with another community."
No. Not before he made sure Richard was still on board with them. He couldn't risk it. They had to play safe. He wasn't sure how Richard felt now. He knew the other man hated the Saviors, had wanted to fight as much as they had wanted, and he knew without the former guard's help they might've never convinced Ezekiel to fight at the first place but he still wasn't going to risk it.
Besides, he wanted to turn back and talk with Amanda. He needed to talk with her. She was the best strategist they had. He needed her. He needed his wife always.
"We go back to Oceanside first then?" Daryl inquired further.
Rick nodded. Carl spoke, too, standing beside him, turning to Rick, "I wanna come. I—you said they already made their move. So we're safe now. Carol can take care of Judith. I want to fight." He paused, "I want to see her."
Rick gave his son a look, but this time nodded. His time had come. Rick couldn't keep him at bylines forever. A father's duty was to protect his children, but his son was becoming a man. He'd always wanted him to be a man. No more kid stuff.
And now Carl wanted to fight for his family too.
Rick nodded. Carl gave him back a little smile, and he seemed happy—happy for doing it, and Rick felt happy as well. He liked Carl seeing like this, not only seeing him being the man he'd wanted his son to be, but caring, genuinely caring for Amanda and his half-siblings.
Rick had never told Carl about the truth about Judith's parentage—hadn't wanted to taint his mother's memory, hadn't wanted him to live through the feel of betrayal Rick had had to but another part of him also had been worried if Carl would've reacted at Judith too. He knew Carl loved his sister, and knew he would've gotten over it, but he just didn't want his children live through it.
Judith was Carl's sister as much as she was his daughter, nothing would change that, but Rick still hadn't wanted him to live through it. Carl had been through much. But seeing him like this—caring—genuinely caring had just proved that his fears for rioting had been unnecessary.
Rick held his son at his shoulder, and squeezed it, feeling a bit relieved.
Everything was going to be okay. He was going to put everything back together again.
They started preparing a quick backpack again before they left, and from upstairs, Rick saw Carl coming down holding his dart with one hand. Rick arched an eyebrow. "They left it at my room," Carl explained, "We still haven't finished our last game."
Despite everything, Rick let out a small laugh at his son. Never admitting the defeat, Carl had been trying to win a round against Amanda with no avail. Once they'd even heard him whining it wasn't fair to live with two former law enforcement officers. Then Amanda once had let him win and Carl hadn't spoken to her almost two days until Amanda had baked him his favorite cookies.
The memory filled him with warmness—no…never barren and empty. Never. He motioned at his son with a tilt of head, "C'mon, let's go."
When Amanda saw Carl when they were back to hidden bay, she threw herself at him, running to hug him fiercely. Rick stood a few steps back, watching them hug each other, smiling, holding the dart board in his hand. Amanda almost squeaked upon seeing it, untangling herself from Carl. "Oh, you brought the dart, too!" she turned aside, giving Carl a saucy smile, "Missed me kicking your ass?" she asked playfully, bumping her hip against Carl's.
"You wish—" Carl shot back, "I just discovered a new strategy for the shots."
"Ohh—" Amanda gasped, but Rick interrupted them, "Come on, let's get inside. We need to talk."
In the community hall they gathered together, settling down across the low seats, Amanda carefully placing herself over the two cushions—fighting over with a slight pinch at her eyebrow sitting down, but managed to keep herself still. With the corner of his eyes, he watched her until she grew comfortable, and her tight expression lessened.
Rick then turned to Daryl and Beth. There were only five of them now, Rick hadn't wanted anyone else, trying to keep it as hidden as possible, leaving the rest of the Alexandria behind to start searching for gun and ammo.
They needed more guns. They always needed more guns. Aside from them, there were also Cyndie, Natania, Beatrice and Frankie and Tanya inside the spacious room.
"They attacked home?" Beth asked with a gasp as Amanda shook her head with a sigh after they'd learned the news.
Rick hadn't told them the details, especially what the sonofabitch had given to him. The photo was still in his pocket. They were going to burn it, as soon as he was back from the Kingdom. "Any casualties?" Amanda asked
"Ben and Olivia," Rick answered truthfully, "Ben was at his shift at the gate, and Olivia was bitten."
They both stayed in silence, and Amanda slowly shook her head again, "They were good men."
"This's war," he told them again, not only answering to her, but to everyone else. It was a war, "And before we finish this, we're gonna lose, more people, comrades, perhaps even will a few fights, but we'll win. Not only we'll win, we'll also end this." He paused, his eyes turning to Amanda, "Amanda told before Sanctuary is our reality, and we need to find a way to live with it, because they're other people there, people who are being oppressed by men like Negan, by men like Simon. They're just spikes of a wheel, but the wheel continues to turn. Killing Negan didn't change anything. Didn't stop the wheel. We need to stop it. Break the wheel." His eyes turned to Natania and Cyndie, "This—this isn't only about revenge anymore, but about building a better life, a life we all deserve."
A new order. A new begging.
He looked at the leaders, and asked, "Are you with me?"
"How?" the old woman asked again, "How we do it, Rick Grimes, how we do it?"
"Slowly—" Rick answered, "Patiently, eventually—" His eyes found Amanda again, and repeated what she'd told him months ago when they had first come to Alexandria, "Rome wasn't built in one day. We have to be smart. We need allies."
But in Amanda's eyes there was a wariness as she looked at him carefully, measuring, and Rick recognized it. Leaders with big ambitions. They always made her wary. Big ambitions had always made him wary, as well, but there was no other way. This—this was how they had peace, how they went back to home.
This was the life their children deserved… the trees they had to plant so their children could sit under their shades. Perhaps they would never sit under it themselves, but this was how a society lived long in prosper and peace.
# # #
Amanda found him outside the community hall as they prepared to leave for Kingdom.
After his declaration, he'd said he was going to leave with Daryl to check on Richard, but what she'd heard back inside had made Amanda almost start running for the hills… We need to stop it… Break the wheel.
Break the wheel? God! What the hell she'd started?
She—she only had wanted to go back and home, and live in peace… She—she didn't want to break any damn wheel! This—this was getting too much for her, just too much. She was just getting her shit back together after all the things she'd been through. She wasn't sure if she was ready to break any wheel.
"Rick—" she called him out catching him alone, and walked to him, "Rick, what was that?" she asked, looking at him, "You really meant it?"
"Yeah," he answered back, "I meant it, Amanda. This's what you want," he continued, looking at her back, taking a step close, and took her hand, "Peace."
"I want peace, Rick, but I didn't mean to break any wheel," she replied quickly, shaking her head, "We're getting ahead of ourselves here. I—only want to go back and be with my family."
"How do we do it, baby?" Rick asked back, leaning on in her, "How we do it, go to home? They're still there—our reality. You told it too."
Damn her mouth! "Rick—I don't know—it's—" she shook her head again, but he stopped her before she could continue.
"We need to do this, baby, for our children…For Carl and Judith—" His hand found her stomach, and he touched her little bump again—and Amanda felt something stirring in her again—coursing all through her—life—rushing in her, and her eyes almost closed at the contact… God, she was so much of a sucker… "For our babies… Do you want them to live under shadow of men like Negan or Simon?" he continued, knowing damn well the chinks in her armor—breaking down her walls—He had always known them…even before she had known them herself. "Baby, I can't do it alone, please," he told her, taking another step on in her, "I need you." His eyes found hers, "I need you."
Someone in his tone broke her last reserves, too. She nodded with sigh, resting her head at his chest, "You always have me, Rick. Always."
His chin atop her head, he nodded. "We'll all need you, Amanda. You're much better than me at this…"
She gave out a snort, and repeated, "You're doing great, Rick—" she said back, "To damn well, actually." She took a step back, "You might've even convinced Natania over there."
He smiled back at her a little in response. Then she announced, "I'll come withyou."
And his jaw tensed under his beard as his eyebrows tightened as soon as the words left her. "Amanda—no. It's a risk. We can't take it."
But she shook her head. If he needed her help, then he was getting it. "Well, I can't help you here sitting—trying to sit on my ass. I need to be out with you."
"Baby, you're pregnant. And we don't know about Kingdom. We don't even know if the Saviors had paid them a visit like they did it to Alexandria."
"It'd been two days. If they would do it, they must've done it already," she encountered, "And we know Kingdom hate the Saviors as much as we do—especially after they killed Ezekiel. They might not in doubts for fighting, but they wouldn't sell us out."
Though the tightness of Rick's eyebrow told her he wasn't thinking the same. "It's still a risk."
"And every breath we take is a risk," she said back, agitated, "You told me that. Look, honey, our babies are fine. I—I won't do fighting—I promise. I just want to come with you. The last two times we got separated, it ended very badly." She paused, giving him a loaded look, "You told me you were never going to leave my hand again."
To make her point, she took his hand in hers. "Hard to do it if I'm not beside you."
Rick gave out a sigh, and bowed his head in acceptance, bringing her closer to his arms.
When she'd decided to come, Beth had demanded to accompany them as well, and Carl announced he was, too, so they left the hidden campsite to find the old Dodge pick-up and they all fitted inside, Amanda settling herself again over a cushion at front seat, a fact no one commented on but noticed.
A blush had rose over her neck as she sat there, a second later Rick found her hand and squeezed. The gesture calmed her again, and swallowing, she turned her head aside, and gave him a small faint smile.
In silence, Rick drove the car to the Kingdom. She tried to think everything in order in her mind. Rick needed her help, and she had to give it to him. She was his wife. She had to help him. Only she wasn't sure. Things were getting too ahead of her. They needed to prioritize, made plans, back up plans, contingency plans, strategies. If they were going to start a real war, they needed a road map, not just hopping from one community to the other. She assumed Rick was going to do it, too, but first he wanted to make sure where everyone else stood.
But Amanda still knew they couldn't manage it without inner help. They were simply still outnumbered. Moreover, they needed to get Sanctuary in the folds, make them hear what Rick was offering. Then perhaps, perhaps they would have a real chance. "We—we need to make you reach to the people in Sanctuary somehow," she said then, turning aside to look both Rick's profile and the backseat where Daryl, Beth, and Carl were sitting, "Your name—your name means something there. It's heard," she continued, "This's how I convinced Negan for our deal. You made the first real rebellion against him, got people together. We lost, but people heard about it."
She nodded, an idea getting into her head, "When Martin Luther started his Reformation, his words were spread among the public in secret. People talked about him, about what he offered in secret to each other. We have to do it, too. People over there need to learn what we are offering." She paused, letting out the idea, "A world no one has to bend the knee." She looked at them, "He made them kneel. We—made a tour together before we left for Alexandria," she explained them how life was back there, "When they saw Negan, they dropped on their knees. He made them. He told me he wasn't asking for it, but never stopped it, either. Just let them. Simon will demand the same too. They need to know they have an alternative."
Her eyes turned to Rick fully as his skipped from the road towards her, "You—you have a way with people. A way to get people listen to you. When you speak, everyone listen. Even when they don't agree."
"How we do it?" Rick asked back, "It's not like I can go there and make a speech."
She let out a puff, "I don't know yet. I'm—just thinking. Spinning ideas."
"Maybe Frankie would help us—" Beth said from the backseat, "If she manages to connect her own old people who might be willing to listen—"
Amanda took it from where Beth had left, "This Laura—this Laura might help. Frankie said she hated Simon."
"Okay, okay—" Rick told them both, "Don't get carried away. We'll talk about it later. We have more urgent concerns now. We need more guns, ammo, people. And a way to make sure the people who couldn't fight would stay safe when we start fighting."
Amanda clinked her tongue, "Maybe Oceanside might help us again. Everyone else can hide here, too. So we'd know they're safe."
"That's too much people," Daryl said.
"It's a big camp," she said with a shrug.
"I ain't sure Natania would agree."
"I'll talk to her," Rick said back, and they elapsed into a silence again.
# # #
For all things good and sacred again, the Kingdom looked like the first time Rick had been here, only the air was much, much more somber.
It was Richard who greeted them at the borders of the school's parking lot again, but this time with no guns, but only a spear. "They took our guns, too," Richard told them back at the auditorium. Ezekiel's seat was empty, not taken.
And—and it gave Rick hope, in a way he couldn't exactly explain. The King is dead, long live the King…not always. Not always.
Richard shook his head, "We—we still want to fight. But how?" the taciturn man asked, "How we do it?"
Rick gave him the same answer he'd given Natalia. "Slowly—" Rick said again, "Patiently, eventually—" It was the best one he had now.
But they were going to find a way.
They—they'd already started. Amanda was right. They—he needed to reach out to those people out there, talk to them. He couldn't have convinced Governor's men the first time, not all of them, but his words had reached to Tara, and had made the woman trusted them back.
He could try. They had to. Even one person was better odds.
But first they had to fight. Guns. They needed to find guns. "Everyone is feeling down," the soldier continued, "Ezekiel…Ezekiel…his antics…his extravaganza was the glue that kept us together. Without him, it feels like we're coming apart at the seams. Even Shiva is having hard. She's stopped eating. No one even can go closer to her cage."
Rick shook his head in objection. "No. You can't. You can't let that happen. You can't let your people grow apart—" Rick told the other man, remembering his own time dealing with his own group after they'd escaped from Terminus, after they'd gotten Beth back, and had started withering in the wild. "You have to find the way. You're the leader now. People will look up at you to show them a way."
"I never wanted to lead—" the man answered, shaking his head back.
Rick shared a glance with Amanda, knowing that she was looking at him, too—almost feeling it, knowing the words were coming from her insides too, "In my experience," Rick told the other man then, "No true leader ever wanted," he said, "But had to lead." He'd never asked for this. Amanda had never wanted, too, but had to. "It's your responsibility now."
Amanda walked to the man closer, "You still got the spears," she told him, eyeing the spear in his hand.
"They left them, much like the knives. Thought they could be no use against machine guns."
Amanda shook her head, "No. I meant they're metal, but not of some blade or knife." Rick scowled a bit, wondering where she was going with it. But then he started to get the idea as she eyed the spear more carefully. The Oceanside had spears too, but theirs had been made cutting from other blades or simply by sharpening the wood. "They're homemade, aren't they?" she asked.
Richard nodded. "Yeah. We have a blacksmith. He made the spears, melting metals we'd found."
"Can he make armors—like the ones you're wearing—" She paused, "It doesn't have to be that fashionable anyway—" she said with a half-smile, looking at his military issued tactical gear, "Just enough thick to stop a bullet. We can look for metals too. We already need to look for guns and ammo."
"We could try this," Rick said, too, and turned to the new leader again, "Get your people back online, get them ready. And—no spies?" he asked, giving the man a hesitant.
Richard shook his head. "We have no wards."
Rick nodded in understanding.
The Kingdom was still with them.
# # #
When Amanda had left the auditorium with Beth, leaving Rick behind with Daryl to talk to Richard more, something was disturbing her, something she couldn't even name… The new leader of the community had hit a chord in her, and she didn't even know why.
Even Shiva is having hard. She's stopped eating. No one even can go closer to her cage.
She imagined the wild animal inside a cage and that disturbance found her again—she…she hated cages.
She just did.
Granted, when she had first seen the beast, she'd gotten mad—thinking it so out of place, so insane, the smells making her sick, but she—she was so regal—so majestic it hurt her thinking her like this—behind the bars…withering away.
And you wither, wither away in the cage then eventually forget your bars are even there…
Her own words almost broke out a sob out of herself… She—she fucking hated cages!
She turned to the woman who had accompanied them out, the one who carried a bow, Dianne, "Can I see it?" she asked, "the tiger," she clarified, "Richard says she doesn't even eat. Can I see her?"
Beth's eyes widened, "Amanda—!"
Amanda turned to Beth, "Please, stay here…" she told the younger woman, almost pleadingly, "Please. I'll come in a second. I—I just want to see her—" She paused, "Please."
Giving out a sigh, Beth looked at her, "Amanda—"
"Please." Amanda repeated.
"Okay—" Beth breathed out.
Amanda took her hand and squeezed with a smile, and gave her a half grin, before turning to the other woman, "And—don't tell Rick."
"Can we go?" she asked the bow woman.
The woman nodded, "If you want."
They kept her inside a white ceramic room—in a chilling, dark gloomy room… Couldn't even fucking believing it, she turned to the woman, "You—you keep her here-?" she fumed in, "In this cold cellar?" she asked, shaking her head, "She's a Savannah beast."
"After Ezekiel we couldn't keep her at the top floors—" Diane said in explanation, "We—we tried—"
Amanda nodded curtly. The only thing that was good with this…cell it was that it was so chilling, the smells weren't that bad in the cold. "Can I—Can I stay with her alone," Amanda then asked.
Alone, she slowly walked toward the cage—slowly, so slowly as the beast slowly prowled in the small cage too—and it made her so sad, so sad, tears started wetting her eyes. The beast—she—she was looking at her straight in the eye, and not breaking the contact, Amanda approached the cage closer with small steps, and a few feet from the bars, she slowly sat down on the cold tiles on her knees.
Their eyes were still connected, her stocking taking all the cold from it as Shiva just stopped in front of the bars, her big, monumental, beautiful hovering behind it, and Amanda shivered… So beautiful, so royal, so majestic…and living in a cage.
It was wrong! She—she didn't belong there. She just didn't.
"You hate the bars, too, don't you?" she asked the regal wild animal in a low whisper, her eyes moist, "Hate not being free, withering, withering…alone…"
She moved her hands up, scratching an inch— "When—when I was a child, I—I saw one of your kind on TV once, running in the wild. She looked so free. I used to dream being as free as you," she told the beast with a small, "Running like that… I hate cages… Sometimes I feel like we do nothing but build ourselves cages, then we step back and look with surprise to see ourselves behind the bars." She laughed again, "It's kinda stupid." She paused again, "You gotta eat…" she said, and something made her move on her knees, getting closer, closer, "You have to—this's not you. It can't be."
She was just at the other side of the bars, so close to it—so fucking close if the wild animal wanted, she would take a bite on her—but she didn't move, just kept watching Amanda—her catlike eyes never leaving her—then suddenly, as if on an instinct, her hand starting rising as Shiva moved her head behind the bars between them—and her fingers—trembling touched her fur, so silky, so soft—and started petting her as Shiva moved her head with her motions.
Struck, startled, too dazzled even to move, Amanda kept stroking the regal animal, tears wetting her cheeks.
# # #
"You want what?" Rick exclaimed out wildly.
"I want to take her back with us to Oceanside," Amanda calmly repeated, "She can't stay here. They—they can't look after her."
"And you can?" he asked back, arching an eyebrow.
"I patted her—"
"You did WHAT?" Rick shouted, cutting her off.
"—she let me," Amanda continued as if he hadn't, "Dianne told me it was the first time she let anyone get closer to her after Ezekiel death."
Rick shook his head, "Amanda—Amanda, baby, you can't have a pet tiger! Please, be reasonable. What if—what if she attacks you?"
Amanda shook her head. "She won't—she won't attack. We—know each other…we understood each other. Please, Rick—" She looked at him, her soft, almost moist eyes pleading at him, and Rick started feeling his resolves crumbling—God! He couldn't say no to her for any damn thing as long as she kept looking at him like this!
"Amanda—" he started, but she interrupted him this time.
"Please, Rick, I have to do this. Oceanside is a forest, too. She will be more happy with us there than here—" she tried to explain further, and gave him another look just like that, "Please, Rick…" she repeated, "I—I can't—can't let her wither away in a cage—please."
Then Rick understood.
He nodded. "Okay, baby, okay. We'll get your pet," he said as she smiled big, "But you'll keep her in a leash just like Ezekiel used to do. Promise me. Promise me you'll never try to unleash her."
She gave her a look—but kept her mouth shut, "Amanda—promise me."
She then nodded, "Okay. I promise."
Rick let out a sigh. "God, Natania is gonna love this."
# # #
"Is it true you convinced Dad to take Shiva with us?" Carl asked her breathless beside the car, his eyes widened.
Amanda, smiling, nodded. "Yeah…" She turned aside, giving the teenage boy a look, "You know your dad never can say no to me."
Carl laughed out, "I wanna move out with Enid—" he told her back, "You're so gonna tell him about it."
With that, the fifteen years old boy left and started walking away as Amanda stared after his retreating back while Kingdom's people started loading Shiva's cage in the dodge's back.
# # #
"How it went?" Amanda asked in the middle of their cabin, stopping her pacing when Rick walked into.
"You mean how it went when they learned you brought a pet tiger with us, a tiger who could eat as much as ten people?" Rick asked back, his voice quite sarcastic, sitting on the chair beside the door.
Amanda rolled her eyes. "We'll provide for her—" she said back, "And—and she's a good soldier. Ezekiel had brought her to the war. We can do too."
Rick's eyes snapped up at her, "Amanda—I'm telling this now, and I don't ever want to repeat myself again—" he told her, his voice stern, standing up, "She isn't going anywhere. She'll be leashed all the time. And you won't try to do something else." He walked to her, his eyes never leaving hers, "Do you understand?"
"It—it'd be a waste of good soldier, Rick—"
"Amanda!"
"Okay, okay—" She moved her hands up, "I'll—keep her safely. I promise."
He nodded. She thought if it'd be a good time to bring up Carl—she had no idea how Carl had really meant—moving out—but where? Enid had been living with Tara and Denise, and a few house away from them, and she couldn't understand why Enid wasn't coming to them if they wanted to live together…
At least they got more—excitements, always having one shit or another. "Rick—" She turned to him as the same time Rick called at her, too—
"Amanda—"
She looked at him, arching an eyebrow. Rick gave her a smile. "We're really becoming two halves of a whole—" he muttered as Amanda smiled warmly.
He walked closer to her, and taking her hand, he brough her back to the chair beside the door. Sitting down, he settled her across his lap on her hip, too, carefully angling her not to make a contact with her ass.
She was—she was really getting tired of this—having always a reminder of what had happened to her—couldn't even sit down on her ass… She ain't gon' sit on her ass at least for two weeks, wanna bet?
Amanda chased the memory off with silent growl… Those men—those men were in her list to deal with it when Sanctuary was fallen. The doctor was at the top place, and those two were sharing the second runner.
"What's it?" she asked Rick, turning her mind back to the room, back to the room, realizing a talk was coming, too. "What happened?"
"I want to tell you something," he started slowly, his voice so soft but still having that firm timber in it, the voice that made something in her stir—every time… "But I want you to trust me. We need to do this. Together. It's for us. Daryl told me. When they were in the wild together after the prison, he told me they found this ramshackle cabin," he started recounting as Amanda listened in silence, "Daryl told her then about his childhood. You know things weren't easy for him, either." He paused a little, their eyes meeting when she lifted her head back up from his chest, "Beth—Beth told him they should burn it—burn it together, burn it before it ruins him."
She made a whimper, not knowing where exactly he was going with it, but understanding—understanding— "I think—I think they…they burned the elevator shaft together too—" His eyes moved downward again to find her, "You'd come to me in the morning before we leave, do you remember? You were so pissed, demanding where your ethanol is. The previous night some of it had gone missing, and you thought my people had taken it."
She smiled at the memory, remembering. Just before he'd left with other, they'd gotten into another fight again when Rick had told her he didn't know what the fuck she was talking about as she ended up seething at him she hoped she would've never seen his face ever again. Not one of the classic love story partings. "Ah—" she snickered, "You see—I knew it."
He bowed his head and kissed her at the tip of her nose. "Smartass." Then he stopped, his eyes grew sterner, looking at her, "We—need to do it, too, Amanda. We—need to burn the past."
She lowered her head and looked at her dress, "We—we could burn this dress, I guess," she said thoughtfully, "Though, you'd need to find me another one to wear then. I—I still can't wear pants." She paused, her eyebrows clenching, "Besides, I—I wasn't wearing this—"
"I know—" Rick suddenly told her, and her eyes snapped up at him so quick, her heart started beating madly.
The raising his hips slightly, he fished out something from his back pocket—an envelope… the size of her palm… like…like…like a photo… No. "Simon—Simon gave it to me this morning—" She gulped—her eyes blacking… No. Please, god no…
"It's your photo," then Rick told her, and she started crying again.
She—it—it never finished. She could never get away from this.
And Rick—Rick had seen her like that—A sob, a teary heartfelt sob escaped out of her as Rick's arms tightened around her further. "I don't care. I don't care… You're here—you're here back in my arms, and there's nothing more important than that. There is nothing more important than us, baby. We're never ever going to look at it again. We just going to burn it. Burn it to ashes. As it should."
Her head still hid at his chest, Amanda nodded. She wanted it… She wanted to turn it to ashes… all of it… ashes… gone and forgotten.
He nudged at her, "And you're wrong," he whispered at her then, "He didn't break you. He thought he could—but you ripped off his fucking throat. That's my girl."
Through her cries, a laughter erupted out of her this time, mixed with a sob, and he nudged at the side of her hip gently again, and she lifted her head and looked up at him. "Let's do it."
Taking a deep breath, Amanda nodded. "Let's do it," she repeated.
Taking her hand as she stood up, he brought them outside beside the open furnace in the grounds and started making a fire inside the stone vault.
Kneeling over the forage, Amanda looked for the branches and dry leaves too, and adding it to his mix. It wasn't necessary. Rick was doing it quickly, they didn't need a big fire to burn a photo, either, she wanted to add her own participant too into the fire, just to make it clear. You're dead, asshole, but I still live. Together with the man I love, together with my family.
All things considered, nothing could've made a better statement.
When the fire started cracking in the night's cold air, Rick held her hand again, and gave the envelope to her. Without hesitation, she threw it into the fire, and they watched it burn, holding each other's hands in silence.
A minutes later, when there was nothing left but ashes, Rick tugged at her hand, "Let's get back to bed," he only told her.
Then Amanda knew it—felt it—she needed him tonight—she needed to give herself to him completely, wanting it—desperately—needing it so badly, but there was no disturbance in her like in usual, but only acceptance. It was Rick. The man she loved—the man she trusted the most all in the world, the man whose babies stirred in her insides. She—she could be vulnerable with him, let him take care of her… She wanted it. And she wasn't bothered it, not a damn bit.
"Rick—" she turned to him, resting herself at his side, "I—I need you tonight," she told him lowly, getting closer, telling him what she needed—because she could—because he was her husband, "So—so you need to find a way to fuck my brains out," she whispered at his ear, "Because I need you to make me forget everything."
His heated eyes found hers, and he gave her a smirk, his head moving her neck, "I always find a way, baby—" he told her back in a whisper as his lips found her neck.
She almost gasped at his touch before she uttered, "I know."
Hurray!
First, Shiva is with Amanda, and they burned the damn photo together, and I finally made them talk about missing ethanol in Grady, heh. I was having that thought in my head for a looong while, Amanda and Rick fighting over the missing alcohol after Beth and Daryl stole it to burn the elevator shaft. I might even write it as a little one shot, telling each other "I hope I'll never see your face ever again" while parting. :)
