Chapter VI

I was sitting down in the barn, writing some ideas down while he was taking care of the horse. Thomas had discarded his long coat and vest. I could distinctly see how his shirt hugged the muscles of his arms and had to force myself not to stare.

"Seriously, what are you writing?"

He was now brushing the horse delicately, like he was taking care of a lover.

"Things." I answer vaguely.

He looks at me and I avert my eyes. Oh, I write about you Mr Shelby. How your eyes seem to see right through my soul and how bad I want to feel your arms right now. I couldn't really tell him that.

"So you're a writer, then?"

Why did he suddenly want to start a conversation.

"If you must know, Mr Shelby, I am a writer… and a singer."

"Aye. Heard you sing at the Garrison."

He looks at me.

"Would you sing something?"

I frown.

"Now?"

"Yes… for the horse of course."

I shake my head. Men and their pride.

"What kind of song?"

"Something you wrote."

I try to think of something and clear my throat.

"Romance is dead and done

And it hits between the eyes on this side

The grass is dead and barren

And it hurts between my thighs on this side

I could begin to open up and risk desire

For I move slower and

Quieter than most

I grew up too quick and I still forgive too slow

Oh I wish there was another way

Romance is dead and done

And it hits between the eyes on this side

The grass is dead and barren

And it hurts between my thighs on this side*"

I don't look at him. I can't. I don't want him to see me like this. A mess. But I can feel his eyes on my running tears. I can feel him approaching me. I see him sitting down at my feet, his back pressed on the wood I was sitting on. He puts a hand on my feet and stay silent.

"It was a long time ago…"

He says nothing. I can feel myself panicking.

"I swear I didn't want it, I swear. I thought I was helping him, he said I was helping him!"

I was sobbing now.

"I was so young, I didn't understand what we were doing. I felt sick, I felt dirty, dead. I felt dead once he kept coming to my room wanting to play. To take care of me. I swear I didn't know-"

"Emma, it's ok. Shh."

Tommy had taken my head in his hands and was kneeling before me. I was trying to get a hold of me, but I couldn't breath.

"I can't breath Tommy. I can't breath since Uncle Joe, Thomas. He took so much-"

"Look at me."

I couldn't.

"Emma, please."

The vulnerability of his voice made me look into his eyes. Those usually icy eyes were so warm. So calm. He caressed my cheek with his fingertip.

"Breathe, love. Breathe."

I try, I can't. He takes my hand and put it on his chest. Right on top of his heart.

"Breathe, just like me, love. Just like that."

And he takes deep breaths. And I try to imitate him. My heartbeat calms down and my breathing matches his.

"Good, keep looking into my eyes, Emma. Hold on."

I do just that and finally calm down. I bite my lip. I can't believe that just happened. It had been a while since I had thought of Uncle Joe. Nobody had known.

"Nobody knows Thomas." I say. "Except my mother and Jonah. We used to play when we were younger and one day he came to play, but I wasn't in the living room. He went upstairs to find me and he did… find me. But uncle Joe was… playing. When he screamed my mother came upstairs and luckily she was cleaning up so she came up the stairs with the broom. She beat him Thomas. Beat him like I'd never seen someone get beaten."

He was listening, closely. Studying me with his intense eyes.

"My father used to beat and rape my mother." He suddenly says.

I look at him shocked.

"For years she stayed with him, even if he was beating us too and she would often be so beat up that she couldn't take care of us. So I did. I took care of my brothers and my little sister. When my mother had Finn, our little brother, Aunt Polly came around and started to take care of us. I didn't like it at first. I thought she would leave us. But she didn't and she's still here today."

I close my eyes trying to hide from his intensity, his pain.

"Family is fucked up," he said. "But when it's time to clean up, to show up, they are always there."

I look at him. He looks at me. His eyes glide on my face and stop at my lips. My stomach clenches. I close my eyes. It's too much. Everything is too much. I feel his forehead slowly rest on mine. We stay like that for sometime. Breathing each other's air.

"I have a bed on the second floor. You can stay there tonight if you want."

I look at him.

"I don't want to go back home. I still need time… to breath."

He nods his head and gets up, extending one hand to me. I take it and follow him up a lather. Up there is a mattress on the floor with some thick covers and a bottle of whisky close to the mattress.

"It's not much-"

"It's all I need right now." I interrupt.

He nods and goes for the whisky. I take my shoes off. I definitely needed a new pair, they were ruined because of all the mud. I take off my coat and hesitate, before taking my dress also, not wanting to get it wrinkled. I slowly turn around, only in my silk black underdress, to see Thomas looking at me with his hooded eyes.

"Fuck."

He takes a long gulp. I let out a shaky breath and extend my hand. He gets it and hand me the bottle. I take a tentative gulp and cough at the strong liquor. I hand it back to him, cleaning the whisky that dropped down my chin.

"I'll leave you to it… There's enough hay downstairs to make up a bed-"

"Stay."

He looks at me.

"It wouldn't be right…"

I look at him hurt. Of course it wouldn't be.

"Of course-"

"No, Emma."

He joins me hastily.

"It's not what I meant… It's just… you just told me about all that. It wouldn't be right of me to take advantage of your state-"

"I don't care." I say "And it's not like… we're going to have sex or anything. I just… I just need you to hold me."

He hesitates a moment and then nod. He takes off his suspenders and his shirt, and he is only wearing his suit pants.

"Your pants will get wrinkly." I simply state.

He looks at his pants and then at me.

"If you wanted me nude you only had to ask."

I roll my eyes and get under the soft covers. He soon joins me and at first he keeps his distance. I sigh and slide closer to him. I slowly put my hand on his naked chest and let out a shaky breath. I tentatively slide my hand down his torso, feeling his abdominal muscles. So firm. I can feel him tense beneath my fingers.

"Emma…"

I look at him. His stare is hungry.

"Sorry." I mumble.

I lay my head in the crook of his neck and take a long breath. He smells like cigarettes and something musky. I like it. I can feel his hand tentatively sliding up my body to rest just beneath my left breast. I feel heat gathering at my center and I bit my lip looking up in his eyes. Even if I can see his desire, I can also see how tired he looks. And so, without me realising it, my hand caresses his cheek and he closes his eyes. I then caress the thin skin covering his eyes before kissing each one of his lids softly.

"Sleep, Thomas."

He opens his eyes.

"It's the middle of the afternoon-"

"I don't care." I say smiling. "Just a little nap… I will be there when you wake up."

He looks at me for a moment and then uses his arm to get me closer to him. I rest my head against his chest and hear his heartbeat.

"Just a little nap." he agrees.

And soon I feel his slow breath in my hair.

I wake up to Thomas breathing heavily. I look at him a moment and, even in the dark light, I can see the frown on his brows. He mumbled something in his sleep and begin to trash. I put a hand on his chest.

"Tommy… Tommy wake up."

He does, but he pins me down on the mattress, his hand around my throat. Squeezing. I can't breath and look at him panicked. His breathing is erratic and his cold eyes are back. But not for long. He quickly recognizes me and let go of my throat. I take a huge breath and cough violently. He sits down on the bed, his back to me.

"Tommy?"

My voice is hoarse, but I don't care. Thomas was not okay. I approach him and put my hands on his shoulders. His strong shoulders were shaking. I was shocked. He was crying. I didn't know what to do so I just sat behind him. Legs crossed and head resting on his back. My hands running up and down his arms, trying to soothe him.

"Breathe, love. Breathe."

And he sobbed silently.

When I got back home, it was after supper. It was night and I was dreading the talk I would get from Celeste. Thomas and I were walking silently in the streets of Small Heath. He was smoking, pensively, and I was looking at him. He didn't want to talk about his nightmares, I could tell. But he worried me.

"Stop looking at me, Emma."

I look straight ahead, bothered.

"I'm not a horse, Tommy. You can't talk to me like that."

He stops walking, but I don't. I can see James and Celeste's door not far. Why was he like that? One moment he wants me and the other he talks to me like I'm shit.

"It's complicated, Emma."

He caught up with me.

"Life is complicated, Thomas, but you don't see me snapping at everyone."

He stops me, a hand on my arm.

"Let's not fight, okay?"

His eyes were pleading.

"You're the one not telling me everything, Thomas."

He sighs and takes his cap off to pass a hand in his hair and put it back on.

"What do you want me to do, hum? Play in your hair and talk about my feelings?"

"You're such an ass."

I keep walking, mad. He catches up with me.

"Go home, Thomas. Leave me alone."

"I am an arse, Emma. That's why I try to hangout with you."

I stop and look at him. He puts out his cigarette and looks everywhere but at me.

"You… make me less of an arse."

I gasped softly and look at my ruined shoes. He needs to stop saying things like that.

"You need to stop saying things like that." I whisper.

"You need a new pair. I'll buy you some."

I look at him, perplexe by his change of topic.

"I can buy some for myself, thank you."

He had lit another smoke and nodded at me. I resume my short walk to my now home. Thomas stops with me in front of the front door and leans on the doorway.

"I'll see you tomorrow, aye?"

I nod and look at him. He extends a hand to me and I take it. He pulls me toward him and I am surprised. He buries his nose in the crook of my neck and slides his hands on my small waist. Without thinking about it, I put my hands in the back of his neck, softly caressing the soft skin there.

"I wish you could come to bed with me."

I bite my lips at his revelation. He really needs to stop saying things like that. He lets me go and I put a hand on the door to help me balance. He looks at me one last time, before leaving for his house. I get inside and find Celeste looking outside the window. She turns slowly to look at me.

"Em, you really don't care about what I say..."

I look at her.

"I'm an adult, Cil. Just like you."

She sighs and I can hear her worry. She sits down on the couch and I join her.

"I know he's not… the ideal man. He… is complicated and dangerous. I can see it from how people fear him. But… he haunts me, Cil. He got under my skin and I just can't seem to brush him off-"

"What were you doing with him?"

Her eyes were accusatory. I was shocked.

"You were gone all afternoon, Em and most of the evening. Where were you and what were you doing? Did he force you to do… did he try to-"

"No!"

I stand up, angry.

"No he did not force himself on me, he did not try to- HE was the one who was rational-"

"What do you mean?"

"I can't believe how you are, Cil!"

I was furious.

"Yes, you heard he was bad news, but you don't know him, ok? You don't!"

She was looking at me, shocked at my outburst. I kneel before her. Taking her hands between mine.

"He… he gets me, Cil. He does and when I'm with him… there's only us."

She looks at me. She was searching for something. Finally she nods.

"Please be careful, Em. If anything happens, you're not comfortable with something, you call me or James. We will come and get you wherever you are. Not questions asked. Is that clear?"

I nod, smiling at her. I hug her real tight and laugh. She would finally get off my back. Or so I thought.

*Song: Romance (edit) by Ex:Re