Chapter 38.

It was mid afternoon. "Come with me to the study." said Sarah, her voice shocking Dean into the realisation that he had almost fallen asleep in the parlour.

It was a surprise to Dean that Sarah had a study. It was a small room and was mostly taken up with a large desk and some bookcases, groaning under the weight of a lot of very academic looking books.

There was a laptop on the desk and of course, more of the framed photos that were scattered around the whole house. The big shock, though, was on the walls. Framed certificates, declaring her knowledge of counselling and psychology.

"You're very qualified." he said uneasily.

She shrugged. "Most of what I know was not gained academically, but I acquired knowledge in a lot of ways. I wanted to make a difference. You don't go out on a hunt unarmed, do you?"

"Sorry." he said, "I don't know why it bothers me. It shouldn't bother me."

"Is it, maybe, because talking to an old lady who happens to have experience of your issues is acceptable to you, the son of John Winchester, but seeking the help of a mental health professional is not?"

"How do you do that?" he said.

She smiled. "I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist. I'm not a professional and really never was. I just studied a little, a lifetime ago, so I could help people. Does that make it okay for you?"

"It's okay anyway." he said, "Forgive the stupid reactions of the inner idiot. The outer idiot just wants to get things fixed,"

"You have no inner or outer idiot," she said, "And it's fine to have some insecurities." She looked at the shelves. "There are books here about everything I used to do. There are plenty about trauma and guilt and the effects of torture and abuse. You are welcome to read any of them. They may help you to see that you're a victim, not a monster. They'll also help you to understand the process of healing the mind."

"I'm not a big reader." he said.

"Well, they're here if you want them. You're also welcome to use the laptop. The password is Castiel. There's a printer in the corner over there. It's mostly used for printing labels for jars of honey, but it works. What's mine is yours."

He smiled at her. "Bobby used to say that to us. You're very good to a worthless old hunter." he said.

"You're not old. If you were old, what would that make me? You're also not worthless. Ask Castiel. Hunter, I can't argue with."

"Hey, no false modesty. You argue with this hunter a lot."

"But you are a lot more than a hunter and always have been." she said.

"I am as close to a pure hunter as you can get. I have no life outside hunting and no desire for one. I accepted this life a long time ago and it's all I have and all I want."

"You're so like Castiel with his 'I am fallen.' speech. You are both far more than you can see."

"I do wonder sometimes what Dad would think if he saw me now. He was never a big fan of anything psychological. I worry that he'd see me as weak and if he knew about Hell and what happened there ... "

"Didn't he go to Hell for a time himself?" she said.

"Yeah, but he didn't give in."

"Dean, you held out for decades."

"Proving I could hold out." he said, "So why didn't I keep on holding out? Dad would be disappointed in me. I guess he always was."

"You're tired. The more tired you get, the more negative your feelings will be. I think your father would be very proud of you. I also think you should get some sleep."

"I know you do and you're probably right, but I feel like I need to stay awake."

"You're always so hard on yourself, always pushing yourself too far and blaming yourself for everything under the sun. I don't know anyone who has done as much good as you have and you still only see the bad, the mistakes."

"The bad is bad." he said, "Worse than the good is good, if that makes sense." He grinned. "Which it doesn't."

"You're a good man, Dean. I wish you could see it."

"So do I. It would be good, to see myself that way. I just can't."

"And poor Castiel will only see himself as the foolish angel who made terrible mistakes."

"Exactly. We need to help him move beyond that, even more so if that's what's keeping him from believing he has a right to be happy with Jules."

"You have a right to be happy too." said Sarah.

"Jules isn't my type." he said.

She looked mildly irritated. "You're tired. You always talk nonsense when you're tired."

"It's kind of you to pretend it's only then." he said.