Makoto 10: Meditative Journey
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Undisclosed Location; September 18th, 1994
"You know, I'm starting to think I truly understand the deep meaning of the phrase 'this sucks'," Yasuhiro commented, staring down at a can of sausages.
"Come on, this is nothing! You should've seen some of the stuff they try to feed astronauts!" Kaito laughed.
The four were all sitting around the campfire that Leon had rekindled an hour earlier, wearing tight gloves and heavy coats in preparation for the colder weather. Even that morning was slightly chilly, and Blavatsky was napping extremely close to the fire. They were all on their second cups of coffee.
"Sometimes I like to wonder about everything I've done in my life to get me to this point. To be used as a pawn to grant the wishes of a young disabled girl. Man, I must've made some strange choices," Yasuhiro finally sighed, standing up and beginning to collect everyone's garbage.
"I think he's really something. I asked him why he wants to bury all of our trash instead of just leaving it on the side of the road. Plenty of other people would. He said we don't need to start up that old habit," Leon took out a piece of paper and a counter that tracked how many kilometers they were traveling by. The paper showed how much they had walked altogether.
"We're not even halfway there yet," Makoto noticed as they heard Yasuhiro loudly struggling to dig in the stiff ground from somewhere behind them.
"Yeah, but what's the rush? That chick is just gonna kill us when we finally make it over there," Leon shrugged.
"I doubt that," Kaito shook his head. "I somehow doubt Miss Chiaki would've made such a big deal about us going if we were just going to be slaughtered carelessly like that. There has to be more than that,"
Everyone was quiet after that as they continued to do their little rituals of the day. Yasuhiro continued to bury their trash while Blavatsky watched, Leon set the current mileage to zero on his counter before he stood up and walked a few ways away to relieve his bladder, and Makoto and Kaito put the fire out. They had been twelve days on the road already and their rituals were practically set in stone.
In the mornings, everything was clear and obvious. Even Sayaka was just a distant memory to him, like a picture kept in a locket or pocket. At night though, she was far closer to him, close enough to make him realize how much he misses her and how much he wants to spend time with her again, to touch her again. Sometimes he almost wishes he could muster up the courage to tell the others that they're on a foolish mission and they should just find some motorcycles somewhere and drive back the way they came.
That was just at night though. In the morning hours, everything about their journey made sense and was crystal-clear. He glanced over at Leon and wondered if he ever had similar thoughts about Kaede. Dreaming of her at night and just wishing he could see her again. He then looked over at Kaito and wondered if he thought the same about Maki. Yasuhiro was the one he felt the most curiosity and sadness for, as he was never really close to anyone in the community prior. He lived with Kyoko, sure, but that seemed to be more of a circumstance based on necessity.
Once everything there was taken care of, the four men gathered themselves up and continued on their journey.
Leon walked slightly ahead of the group as a cold rain began to fall, his hands in his pockets. His thoughts randomly turned to the corpse they came across a few days ago that he himself dubbed as 'The Wolfman' as when they found him, he was surrounded by the corpses of several wolves, his own corpse half-out of a vehicle. He still wore a vintage leather jacket. Whoever he was before death, he was clearly heading out west.
He didn't want to admit it, ever, but the thought of who he was and who those wolves belonged to sent shivers down his spine.
They sat down for dinner that night, just a simple one of boiled water and anything they found while foraging. It was part of Miss Chiaki's rules, after all.
"The next few stretches are going to be pretty harsh," Kaito announced. "I checked on an atlas before we set off, back in Hope's Peak obviously. Practically nothing in the way of civilization. Just a few tiny farmhouses and temples scattered about,"
"I'm sure we'll figure something out! Those houses could have canned goods for us!" Makoto reassured him.
Kaito and Leon went to bed after that, while Makoto and Yasuhiro stayed awake for a bit longer.
"You miss Maizono-chi, don't you?" Yasuhiro asked suddenly. "I can tell by your vibes!"
"Yeah...I miss her a lot. At night I keep worrying about her baby and if it's going to be alright," Makoto sighed a bit.
"Sound like typical thoughts to be having at night," He nodded.
"How about you? Do you think about Kirigiri-san a lot? Do you miss her? You two lived together, so surely you had some sort of connection?"
"Yeah, we had some pretty good debates. I wouldn't say I miss her though. Not because I'm heartless or anything, but in my life I've learned it's best to let certain things go. I think she would agree with me," Yasuhiro's voice sounded far away at that moment, and Makoto had the sudden feeling that he knew something he didn't, but just left that as it was.
"So, Hifumi-san is dead," Makoto said at last.
"Yes,"
"It just feels like...such a waste in a way. A waste of Asahina-san and Fujisaki-san...and a waste of himself too,"
They had come across the remains of Hifumi just that afternoon, just a day after they had found the Wolfman. He still had the remnants of a crashed motorcycle beside him, and even though his body had been picked fairly clean and withered away, the gun was still locked in his mouth. They hadn't buried him, but Makoto still gently removed the gun from his mouth and tossed it aside as a show of respect before thinking a brief and silent prayer over it.
It secretly disturbed him how easily Junko had just thrown Hifumi aside after she so easily roped him into doing her schemes for her. It made him feel that perhaps the crusade they were on in the name of hope was a fruitless one and that Hifumi's shattered leg would be the one thing to continuously haunt him like the Wolfman haunted Leon. Even though he knew they had to keep going, he still had those thoughts. He discovered very quickly that he wanted to pay Junko back for everything she had done to Hifumi as well as Chihiro and Aoi, as she was the one who had utterly wasted their lives.
"I'm going to bed," Yasuhiro announced, and Makoto waved at him as he pulled his jacket closer to him to ward off a sudden chill. Summer was definitely over, and he felt saddened as he thought he might never see another one again. When this summer began, he was just a nobody from a tiny community in Yokohama who had just graduated from high school. He planned to go to a random university just because it was expected of him and become a business man just like his father. He liked to listen to his family talk about their day over the dinner table and the stress they had all been experiencing. He realized they hadn't truly known hard times until then.
Makoto crawled into his sleeping bag and fell asleep then, squirming around slightly as he thought of red-hot eyes boring into him with their analytical stare.
I'm not afraid of you..I have the spirits to protect me...I have hope on my side...I will not be afraid because there is nothing to fear from what I can understand, He thought to himself as he slept, and finally the eyes vanished and left him at peace.
The next evening, they were approaching the last big town on their map, and then it'd be completely in their hands whether they were truly being guided by the spirits or not.
"I'm more worried about water though. You ever been on a trip before? People usually store all kinds of edible junk in their cars," Leon ran a hand through his hair.
"Maybe we'll be granted literal showers of food for our good karma," Yasuhiro suggested.
Leon just looked up at the clear blue sky. "I sometimes wonder if at the end of it all if maybe she really was crazy,"
"Maybe she was. All sorts of different religions say that chosen prophets tend to be so only on their deathbeds or when they've gone insane. Even many people here believe that such thinking means you've been touched negatively by the spirits. Someone healthy might twist the message for their own benefit and therefore be a very terrible prophet, but when you're dying, that's that," Yasuhiro said. "And honestly I think what we're doing now makes sense in that regard,"
"What we're doing is pretty crazy," Leon sighed.
"What about all of those Buddhist monks who forcefully isolate themselves out in the wilderness? They wander around all the time, eat only what they can find while foraging, and meditate constantly. They believe when it's their time, they'll receive the visions they're looking for, and they do come eventually, usually from starvation or intoxication,"
"Is that why Miss Chiaki sent us out here? To have visions?" Kaito questioned.
"Maybe by purging ourselves of worldly desires and possessions so we can be more focused in trying to figure out our true goal, because then we'll have no more distractions in our quest to be more clear of heart and mind,"
"I don't follow any of that," Leon sighed.
"Then I'll explain it more simply. Let's say we have an intelligent guy from a typical pre-pandemic life. He likes to watch TV, but his is broken. So what does he do instead?" Yasuhiro asked.
"Read some books," Kaito suggested.
"Hang out with friends?" Makoto offered.
"Listen to the radio," Leon grinned.
"Sure, he'd do all of those things. But he'd keep thinking about the TV all of the while and how he'd like to catch up on his favourite shows, only to walk in and see the empty area and feel great sadness for it. A part of his life is missing,"
"Once our TV broke for two weeks and I never thought I'd be the same during it," Kaito admitted, rubbing the back of his head.
"Now get rid of his books, his friends, and his radio. Get rid of any supplements he can't get himself along the way. Take away his physical desires and possessions and wants. Eventually he would cease to even want at all because he would realize everything he's ever wanted he's already had all along; a strong spiritual relationship with himself and the universe as a whole," Yasuhiro continued.
"But what's the point in all that? Life will always be filled with temptations," Leon said.
"Dude, why do you think all of those monks isolated themselves up in the mountains in tiny cabins? It was to focus on meditation and self-reflection! To discover what you need to still do to better yourself as a person!"
"That definitely sounds like Miss Chiaki," Kaito said.
"I got another one for you. Think of yourself as being like a battery. Your brain is already kinda like one already anyway, you know? Everything that you do uses up the charge in your battery, like watching TV, eating dinner, reading books, hanging out with friends. Our pre-pandemic lives were very much like having a car hooked up with all of the fancy accessories. The more accessories you have though, the harder it is to charge the battery,"
The three were listening closely with rapt attention.
"I think that's exactly what's happening to us now. We got rid of all our extra accessories, so now we can charge faster and easier and better!" Yasuhiro finished proudly.
"Don't car batteries have a tendency to explode if you let them charge for too long though? I read that somewhere," Kaito reminded him.
"I know that, man! And I know there's probably plenty of monks and prophets and whoever else who likely got their brains fried out by the visions they were receiving! I think we'll somehow be okay though. I think our own batteries have the capacity to be charged for infinity!" The four were silent for a time after that, wanting to mull it all over.
"So, have we changed?" Makoto asked shyly after a while.
"I think so. I've lost a lot of my muscle mass already. Just thinking about doing my old weight set at the gym...I don't think I could even pick them up anymore," Kaito mused.
"I think it's a state of mind, like when you do coke or smoke a cigarette. The high is there, but normal thinking feels far off. But now, I feel high, but clear-headed too. I don't know, maybe the hunger is just gettin' to me," Leon explained. "All I know is that I feel strangely good,"
"It's the hunger, definitely, but I think it's something else too. I'm hungry a lot, but I mostly feel great," Kaito said.
"I never thought I'd feel so good in my life...!" Makoto marveled.
"It's because we're starting to let go of our worldly desires. Once you do, you'll feel much closer to the world spiritually and not feel as weighed-down by everything," Yasuhiro speculated.
"You have an interesting way of putting things," Makoto smiled.
Blavatsky came out of the bushes and happily ran up to the group, getting patted by Leon.
"Didn't ya know our brains are just like batteries with lifetime warranties?"
Blavatsky just barked and wagged his tail to show he was on Leon's side.
The next day, they had drunk the last of their instant coffee, and true to their thoughts, had traveled for an entire day without coming across anything of substance. It was their first time without food since leaving Hope's Peak. On their second day, they came across an overturned car with a family of four packed inside; a teenage daughter and her younger brother. As a result there were two boxes of chocolate Pocky, one packet of cheese crackers, and a large bag of stale potato chips all stuffed inside. The crackers and Pocky were salvageable, so they split those up five ways.
After Blavatsky had his share, he went off exploring again while Leon slowly nibbled on his own Pocky, feeling dreamy. "I always thought these things had a super doughy aftertaste when I was a kid," He commented.
"I remember when they invented the almond ones," Yasuhiro said.
"Me too," Kaito nodded. "And Leon-san's right, they do have a doughy aftertaste." He sighed. "You know, I really do wish lil Chihiro-kun was here with us. I wouldn't mind sharing these a bit further,"
Makoto nodded in agreement.
After they ate, they continued on, soon coming across an overturned delivery truck. It had packaged sushi on it that amazingly hadn't gone off yet, though they could still only eat a few pieces before they felt queasy. Yasuhiro suggested their stomachs had shrunk. Makoto just thought the sushi smelled weird. Kaito said he wouldn't mind having a few more boxes of Pocky, which made them all laugh.
That night, a heavy thunderstorm blew in from the eastern sea.
They came across the washed-out ditch later that afternoon; muggy and cloudy and Makoto thought they were due for another storm with clouds like that.
The road had once been connected by a bridge, but due to heavy recent rains, the ground became too soggy and the bridge gave way, being washed down the stream. A small creek ran down the bottom of the ditch, which was about twenty feet deep with debris all spread around in it. On the other side was a half-broken road.
Since they had no rope, they all decided to slowly climb down the hill and climb back up on the other side at a steady pace. Makoto went first, slowly lowering himself down and grabbing onto the larger rocks. He tensed up when he tried to place his foot down in a groove and the side was instead mushy and sent a shower of pebbles and mud down. He gasped and slid down a few feet before he tightly grabbed a rock for dear life.
Blavatsky yipped and easily sailed down on his feet, waiting down at the bottom with an eagerly wagging tail.
"You make it look easy, huh?" Makoto chuckled and dropped himself down on the bottom.
"I'm coming next!" Yasuhiro announced, beginning his descent.
"Be careful! It's really unstable!" Makoto called up and started to walk over to the other side.
Kaito came down third, and Leon came down last, and between the two they had the easiest and fastest climb down.
"Who's going up first?" Leon asked, looking up at the other side.
"You seem awfully eager, you go," Yasuhiro suggested, and Leon nodded and started to climb up again, grunting when some of the dirt came apart under his feet and he nearly slipped. He reached the top and waved down at them.
Yasuhiro and Kaito both cleared the climb slowly but surely, and once Kaito was done, Makoto slowly started to climb up.
This side is actually a lot easier to climb than the other side, He marveled to himself. There was more to hold onto and his feet were kept steadier. The soil was wetter from the weather, so he still continued to go slowly. As long as he kept his focus, he'd be fine.
He managed to reach the top as well, trying to reach out a hand before he felt something muddy give way and he started to stumble. Leon ran over and tried to grab his hand, but Makoto fell over sideways as he tried to catch his balance and tripped over his loose shoelace. He desperately tried to grab onto the side, feeling the mud coolly bury itself under his nails as he continued to fall. He just closed his eyes as he fell faster.
His knee hit something hard as he fell down, hitting his back against a large rock hard and feeling the breath get knocked out of him. His left leg fell under him at an angle and he grimaced at the snapping noise it made before he continued tumbling down the hill. Pebbles scraped at his face and hands and he tasted fresh mud in his mouth before he landed on his bad leg again, heard another snap, and felt white-hot pain coursing through his body. He screamed as he slid through the remainder of the dirt, finally coming to a stop.
Makoto breathed heavily, his clothes full of mud and his leg on fire. He supposed it was broken in two places with his knee sprained. All because he tripped. Just his luck.
Leon hurried over to him and lifted his head up out of the muck. "How bad is it?" He asked.
"I think I won't be walking for at least three months," Makoto tried to smile but could only manage a grimace. He felt incredibly nauseous as he glanced up at the sky and balled his fists up. "...I broke my goddamn leg!" He cried.
Leon and Kaito managed to make a splint for the broken leg, while Yasuhiro gave Makoto some pain medicine that turned the searing-hot pain in his leg to a dull ache and made his own mind feel quite calm. It was then he realized they were all living on borrowed time and it was likely time for nature to collect what it was due, since they all somehow managed to survive the Despair Disease.
Leon was finishing up with what he was saying, and they were all listening to him. Once he was done, Makoto just shook his head.
"No,"
"Dude, I don't think you understand the stakes here!" Yasuhiro insisted.
"Yes I do. We're not getting a car, or a rope, or going back into town. That goes against everything we were told. It's against the rules of the game," Makoto said.
"This ain't a fucking game though! This is your life on the line!" Leon cried. "You're going to die if we leave you here!"
"We all knew it was a risk if we agreed to go, and we all agreed anyway. If I don't die here, I might just die somewhere else along the line. I think it's better this way," Makoto tried to offer them a weak smile.
"Well I'm in charge now, and she said that if anything happens to you-"
"You have to keep going in the name of hope," Makoto stared at him. "This whole thing is based around the idea that little girl knew what she was talking about. Are you going to go up against that?"
"Yeah, he's right," Kaito offered.
"No, he ain't right, ya dumb planter," Leon huffed, mocking Kaito's thick TÅhoku dialect. "It wasn't anyone's will, good or bad, that he fell. It was just some loose dirt! He's our friend, and I don't want to leave people behind again!"
"We're leaving him," Yasuhiro said quietly.
"You're his friend! What kinda talk is this?!" Leon demanded, whirling around to face him.
"I am, but we all agreed to go into this despite it almost certainly meaning our deaths. We stood over her deathbed and promised that. Man, you're just gonna go back on that now?" Yasuhiro's voice was still at a whisper.
"We could just find a car somewhere and drive him around-"
"We gotta walk, and he can't," Kaito interrupted gently.
"Oh, this is great. So should we just shoot him like a horse? Put him out of his misery?" Leon carried on hysterically.
"I say we have a vote," Makoto suggested quietly from the ground. "I say you all go on,"
"Me too," Kaito nodded.
"No way. We should just stay here tonight, and then think it over more," Leon said.
"No,"
Yasuhiro handed Makoto a bottle of pain medicine. "There's enough morphine in one of these to kill a horse! Just three will do it. Only if absolutely necessary,"
Makoto swallowed nervously.
Leon stared at Makoto then and was suddenly reminded of Kanon and how she had gotten extremely sick and died. Because he left her behind. She would've recovered. But he left her behind. He had rolled her body over and found her sunken-in eyes and bloody puke trailing from her mouth like a demented doll on a hot July morning. Because he had left her behind.
"No!" He suddenly screamed and tried to rush at Makoto before being held back by Kaito. Makoto stared at him uneasily before he motioned him over. Kaito gave him an unsure look before he gently pushed Leon over to him, still looking ready to restrain him again if need be.
Leon walked over to Makoto and just looked at him. "You can't just leave someone behind just because they're injured or sick," He began.
"Everything will be fine. You know what they say, you get everything you deserve. Maybe I'll be sent a crane to bring me food. You have to keep going on to Nagasaki, but once you come back, you can come this way again. I once read a man can live for seventy days without food if he has water," Makoto began.
"You'll die from exposure long before then. The winter may not be bad, but you have thunderstorms and floods to worry about. And disease! Just because you survived the crazies doesn't mean shit for any others," Leon shook his head.
"You're going to have to keep going without me," He frowned.
"And what is Sayaka-chan going to say when she finds out we left your body out here to rot?"
"She won't say anything if you don't fix her clock. Neither will Kaede-san, or Kimura-san, or anyone,"
"What if we stay here for the night? Maybe we'll have another dream and it'll tell us what to do,"
"No." Makoto shook his head. "You have to go now. If you don't, you'll want to keep staying here until you have a dream and then it'll be too late."
"Alright," Leon walked away then, and Kaito took his place.
"You need anything?" He asked.
"Something by Dazai Osamu-san. We read one of his books in school once and ironically I really like his style. I've always wanted to read his other works," Makoto laughed.
"Sorry, I'm out of that," Kaito smiled humorlessly.
Yasuhiro took his place then and just sighed. "I feel awful about this, you know. Like putting down a horse or something,"
"It could always be way worse. I just have a broken leg, I'm not dying," Makoto said.
"Yeah." Yasuhiro walked off, and as him and Kaito began climbing up again, Makoto called Leon over one last time.
"Looks like you're the leader now!" He tried to congratulate him.
"Yeah, great," Leon responded sarcastically.
"I think her men will try to grab you as you approach the city," Makoto whispered. "Grab you and bring you to her. Then it'll happen. I don't know what it is, but it'll happen in the next few days. What we were sent here for,"
Leon nodded and turned away. "We'll come back for you. I promise we will,"
"I know you will," Makoto have him a sad smile.
Leon climbed back up the ditch to join the other three, and waved down at Makoto. He waved back to them. Then they turned and left.
They never saw Makoto Naegi again.
"Where's Blavatsky?" Kaito asked that night over the fire after a silent and sullen rest.
"I haven't seen him for the past few hours," Yasuhiro suddenly realized, getting up and calling for him. After a few tries, he sat back down slowly, thinking it felt like such a bad omen that a dog who followed him through half of the nation would suddenly disappear like that. He shivered.
"Maybe he's with Makoto-san," Leon suggested, making the other two startle and look at him. He lit a cigarette; one of his last ones.
"Yeah, maybe. Maybe the spirits sent a dog to guide him," Kaito responded. "Though a crane might've been better,"
The fire crackled loudly.
Makoto shivered a bit as he felt the eyes of the dark shadow growing closer and closer to him. Being chilled to the bone was one thing, but he'd rather not die by getting torn apart by one of Junko's wolves. He shivered more.
"Go on, come then," He commanded, looking up at a large piece of fish being dropped in front of him. "Huh?! Blavatsky?!"
The dog barked in response and happily wagged his tail, waiting to be complimented.
"Good boy, good boy!" Makoto praised in amazement. He cut part of the fish off uneasily with a sharp rock and tossed it at Blavatsky. "Stick? Wood? Fetch?" He tried next, and Blavatsky ran off and came back with a large piece of driftwood left from the thunderstorm. He gasped. "Good boy! Fetch!"
Soon Blavatsky had found enough wood to make a small fire, and Makoto managed to start said fire by rubbing two sticks together and making them ignite. He gutted the fish and cooked it on the fire, the smell of it making his mouth water. When was the last time he even smelled fish being grilled? A few months ago, easily.
Once it was cooked, Makoto cut it in half and gave part of Blavatsky while he ate the other half. He smiled at the slightly-burnt taste. Somehow it put the packaged sushi to shame.
After he ate, he grimaced a few times trying to get comfortable and looked up at the bright, indifferent stars. He took one of Yasuhiro's pills and was out like a light, while Blavatsky slept beside him and gave him heat.
And that was how on the first night after the parties broke up, Makoto slept easily with a full stomach and the trio slept uneasily on empty stomachs with strong feelings of impending, imminent doom.
