CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
(BPOV)
A few minutes had turned into nearly three more hours at Sam and Emily's, and by the time Billy became far too tired to keep his eyes open any longer, we finally gave up waiting for Jacob to return and reluctantly decided to call it a night. Emily had put Clarissa to bed almost an hour ago and she was resting comfortably. All of the guests from the funeral were long since gone, all but Martha and Shawn that is, who continued to patiently wait with Billy and I. Neither of them knew the details of what was happening with Jacob, and I backed Billy up when he gave them a generic explanation of how his son needed some time to himself to process everything and deal with is grief over Lillian's passing. This seemed to be enough to appease the Dawson's curiosity, and when Emily offered us all another piece of her famous apple pie for the third time, Billy looked my way and tiredly spoke his request to me.
"Would you mind getting your old man for me, Bella? I would really like to just head home if that's alright? It's getting late and I'm sure Sam and Emily would like their house back at some point."
"Sure, Billy. I'll go get him. He was right outside with Sam a few minutes ago. I'll be right back." I replied, getting to my feet and heading toward Emily's front porch.
Charlie and Sam were immersed in a serious conversation that halted the second I opened the door and told dad about Billy wanting to head back home. I watched Sams face fall while he looked out into the blinding darkness of the late hour again, his eyes intently sweeping over the long tree line that thickly bordered his back yard for any sign of Jacob. He soon met my gaze with a disappointed nod as Charlie started his cruiser and headed inside to collect Billy.
"None of you have to leave on our account. You know you're more than welcome to stay and get some rest here with us for the night. Our living room might be small but we can fit you in there just fine if needed." Sam kindly offered when he saw the despairing look that graced poor Billy's face as Charlie wheeled him outside.
"I know, Sam. You've been kind enough to do all this for us and I appreciate it more than you know. Thank you. I'll be in touch in the morning about Jacob if he doesn't show before the dawn."
"Are you sure, Billy? It's really no trouble." Sam countered to him.
"I'm sure, son. You get some rest with your wife and we'll see you tomorrow."
Sam and I stood close by as Charlie carefully placed Billy in the back seat of the cruiser.
"I won't be sleeping." Sam soon hedged, his face full of the same kind of worry that had been there since the funeral began hours ago. "He's out there and I know he wants to be alone but trust me when I tell you it's the worst thing for him right now. He needs to be around his family and those who care for him most. I'll give it another hour or so and then I'll head out into the woods myself. See if I can't track him down. Seth and Paul are the only ones out on border patrol this evening and I was stern to instruct them to leave Jacob be. Not to push him at this time. He doesn't need that. When you take a break from phasing like he did, everything tends to hit you at once and it can be crippling sometimes. That on top of his grief for Lilly makes me worry."
I hung my head at his words and drew in a trembling breath from the picture they clearly painted for me.
"Is there anything else we can do? I'm not a fan of the waiting game, Sam." I humbly admitted, frustrated with my weakened human vision, as my eyes looked toward the dense tree cover all around us. "I hate the idea of him being alone."
"I know, but there really isn't anything else we can do, Bella. Jacob has to feel it and he has to deal with it in his own way. Whatever that may be. It took a lot for him to stop phasing. To turn it off like he did years ago. Was hard as hell for him the first six months. The transition was painful at times, but he braved it and everything fell into place after that. Lilly came into his life only a few weeks after he finally had enough control over it to stop. At first, I didn't even think it was possible to maintain for him, but I underestimated him. He's definitely the grandson of a chief. Runs thick through his veins."
I stared back at him wordlessly, the look on my face making him pause and nervously glance away from me, as if he'd realized a beat too late that he'd told me too much, or elaborated on details I was never meant to know.
"I thought he stopped for Lillian? To be human and age? Isn't that why he-"
"Yeah, I meant- at the time he- ... well-...I-... there was-... you know it's late, Bella. I'm exhausted and I misspoke. Never mind." Sam dismissed with a wave then, as Charlie looked expectantly my way while he held open the passenger side door to the awaiting cruiser.
I chose to let it go for the time being, making a mental note to ask Billy about this once Jacob was back home safe and sound. There were parts of this that were missing and I didn't like the feeling that I was being purposefully misled. There would have been a time when I wouldn't have pushed the issue, but instead I would have naively believed whatever watered down version of the truth that was given to me, but I no longer accepted that. I myself had learned the hard way that leaving things out, and deciding what was best for other people, only proved to hurt them worse in the damn end.
"Thanks for everything today, Sam." I replied, giving him a soft hug as Martha and Shawn joined us on the porch.
"We're getting ready to head back into town. We have a room booked and waiting for us at the local motel. Our flight leaves bright and early tomorrow morning for Maine, so this will be a final goodbye for us." Shawn offered, reaching out for me with a weary smile. "I hope you won't be a stranger, Bella. Please keep our number and call often. We'll surely be keeping yours, dear."
"I will. I promise."
I hugged him and Martha tightly as I turned to join Charlie and Billy, but before I could get too far, Shawn caught my hand in his.
"Remember what I told you, dear. Don't run from the unexpected. Let it catch you, instead. Might just be the very thing you need in this life."
I nodded and saw the knowing expression that crossed Sam's face while he said his own parting words to the Dawsons then.
"Thank you for coming here and meeting everyone. It was wonderful to get to introduce you both to some of our family. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. You both will be in our thoughts and prayers and please don't hesitate to reach out at all if either of you need anything in the future. We're always here for you. You are forever our family. Don't forget that."
I saw Shawn's aged blue eyes go misty as he nodded to Sam and pulled Martha in close to his side.
"Thank you, Sam. We surely appreciate your hospitality and your kindness. Emily is just as lovely and sweet as our Lillian always said she was. You are blessed for sure."
"Thank you, Shawn. I have to agree with you. I am a lucky man." Sam thoughtfully replied while firmly shaking his hand, as they carefully headed out to the taxi that waited to take them back into Forks.
Shawn helped Martha into the cab and turned back my way as I timidly approached him, my words full of emotion when I spoke.
"I will never ever forget you. Either of you. You somehow became like the grandparents I never got the chance to grow up with."
"Bella, you're so much more to us than just the nurse we had at Pen Bay Medical. You're our family now, too. We love you, dear. Go live this life to the fullest and don't you dare look back. Only straight ahead." He replied, placing his cold hands on either side of my face.
"I will Mr. Dawson."
I watched while he climbed into the back of the cab with Martha and I waited there as the cab pulled away into the night. I soon waved a final goodbye to the man and woman who had taught me so much about love and loss in the past week, and my words had never been more true. I would never forget them.
"Bella?" Charlie hedged, his tired tone making me turn to see him still patiently waiting there for me.
"I'm ready, dad. Let's go home." I sighed, taking my seat in the front and staring out at the snowy road ahead while we took Billy back to his place and got him settled in for the night. Once he was comfortable and resting, Charlie and I took off for Forks, every mile we left behind causing my heart to sink a little deeper in my chest when I thought of Jacob.
I fell asleep before we made it back to town, my exhaustion winning out as my eyelids became too damn heavy to fight off sleep anymore. I was jostled awake when the cruiser came to a sudden stop in Charlie's driveway and I wrapped my coat further in around me, as we both shivered from the biting cold outside while unlocking the house door and stepping inside.
Charlie let out a frustrated huff when the keys wouldn't unlock the deadbolt and I took them from him, remembering how I had to jimmy it sometimes to get it to turn years ago and chuckling at the fact that dad had yet to get a new set of housekeys in all that time since.
"I thought you were gonna replace these? Get a new set?" I sighed, swiftly unlocking the door and tossing them back his way.
"Yeah, yeah. I know. I will." He grumbled to me with a guilty tone. "Maybe next week."
"That's what you always say." I lightly teased him in return.
Charlie shook his head and poured us both a hot cup of coffee to erase some of the chill from our bones, his head falling into his hands when he sunk down with me at the kitchen table.
"What a day."
"It was. I can't believe it's already past nine." I truthfully replied.
"I don't know about you but I need to unwind before I crash. What do you say to a friendly game of cards?"
"Sure, that sounds nice. I'll go change and be right back." I countered, heading up the stairs into my old room and searching for something to wear to bed. I glanced around the room, shivering as I dug aimlessly through my packed bag in desperate need of some sweats, but I soon realized I had only thrown in a tank top and shorts in my hurry to get on the road before. I tossed the bag onto the bed in frustration, pausing at the sight of something crumpled up in a heap at the end of it. I reached out and snatched up the article of clothing with a perplexed look, my gaze quickly falling on the familiar cotton fabric of a sweatshirt I hadn't seen in years. One I used to wear all the time and one that wasn't mine. My trembling hands clutched tightly to Jacobs worn out black sweatshirt, the smell of it alone enough to make fresh tears form in my eyes as I stood there with it pressed to me.
He'd left this here for me.
How was that possible?
It wasn't on my bed this morning before the funeral. I was sure of it and the scent still trapped in it's fibers was fresh enough to tell me he'd even worn it recently.
I changed in a hurry, slipping the oversized and baggy sweatshirt over my head and stepping into my sleep shorts, before I noticed the note tacked up on my corkboard that still hung on the wall where I'd left it when I moved to Maine. Next to my favorite picture of Billy and Jacob was a small piece of paper with hurried and scribbled hand writing that I'd recognize anywhere. I pulled it from the wall and scanned over the words there.
Bells,
Don't leave for Maine yet. Please wait. I'll come back.
He didn't sign it but he didn't need to.
I bit down nervously on my bottom lip as Charlie hollered up the stairs for me.
"Hey, kiddo. We still on for that game?"
"Yeah, I'll be right down." I yelled back, tucking the note in my shorts pocket and meeting Charlie at the bottom of the stairs.
"One game or two?" He asked, gesturing to the age old cribbage board displayed on the table for us now.
"I say we play as many as we can." I replied, taking my seat there with him and dealing out the first hand.
We played four games and I won three of them before I began to feel the dreaded migraine that took hold and signaled to me the warning of what was to come. I pushed the cribbage board away and thanked Charlie for the games before kissing him on the cheek and heading to the bathroom with the excuse of being too tired to play anymore.
The pain was sharp and hit me hard like it always did. There was no build up or prelude to it. No, it was fierce and had the ability to wreck any plans I had made prior. I cringed as I pressed my back against the bathroom door and glanced toward the medicine cabinet.
Tylenol... I needed Tylenol and as much of it as I could stomach.
I pawed through the dozens of varying pain relievers Charlie had stashed in there, finding the extra strength one I needed and taking two of them as fast as I could. My body was locked and tight with the fear of what I knew was coming for me through the night. The flare up I had been silently dreading for days now.
The last one I had was the worst of them and it had sent me rushing to the ER three months ago, convinced that I was surely dying only to be told at the end of it to 'go home and get some rest with a heating pad'.
Since dealing with this Endometriosis hell, it had been the root cause of my thirty-nine emergency room trips, twenty-five urgent care visits, six cat scans, three MRI's, twenty different X-rays, over fifty damn ultrasounds, four Psychologists visits and almost ten years of unimaginable pain for me.
The mounting medical debt with left over bills had caused me more than my fair share of anxiety and I still owed them thousands that I feared I would never be able to fully pay off.
I swore under my breath when the stabbing pain cut through me then, the harshness of it's wrath making me pale, as I threw open the bathroom door and headed for my room. I locked myself in there, in the hopes to hide it all from Charlie, and sat down on the edge of my bed as the knife that was steadily tearing up my insides, turned and released itself only to plunge deeper into my lower abdomen than before. I curled in on myself and stifled a dry sob that threatened to escape my lips as I drew my legs up to my chest and buried my face into my pillow.
This had been my reality since I was first diagnosed in the doctors office as a teenager and there were times I swore I was crazy. So many doctors had ignored my heartfelt pleas and descriptions of what happened to me every month. They had dismissed me as someone who was imagining it and I had given up any hope of finding a specialist who would actually listen to me a long time ago.
There was no one out there. No one who knew enough about this disease that couldn't actually kill you but in it's clutches of pain that lasted days at a time, could make you think horrible thoughts. Make you actually believe you'd be better off gone. The kind of disease that left you so drained and hurting, and broken that you had to talk yourself out of giving in to the mental pleading that begged you to just end it all.
Yeah, I'd been there too.
Seen more than just one therapist on the decade long struggle with Endometriosis and it's agonizing symptoms.
I let the tears fall the same as they always had and dragged in another breath as I loathed the disease that made me feel so much less than. That had taken my womanhood. The disease that had stolen days of my life I could never get back and made me contemplate things I never thought I would. Flare ups like this one came every so often for me and this was the worst time for one to come. I wasn't prepared for it and I didn't have time to let it knock me out for a week like it always did. But that was just another perk to this disease. It was never timed but often random and inconvenient as hell.
I slowly sat up and wiped the tears away as I clutched the bed pillow tightly to my abdomen and rocked back and forth. The waves of pain that felt as if someone was carving out my insides like a pumpkin, washing over me as the nausea welled in my stomach from it.
I tried to control my emotions as the night wore on but couldn't. They were as raw for me as the pain was. The pain radiated around to my lower back and steadily crept its way into my legs, causing even my joints to ache with the awful fatigue it brought along with it.
Days of stress had made me dread it's approach and now that it was here, I feared I wouldn't be able to hide it away from anyone anymore. That my secret would be exposed before I could get back to Maine in one piece.
A/N: Thank you for reading and for all your great reviews. Look for another update tomorrow. Sorry for the delay in posting this week. Back on track now. Till then...
