Hell.
It was hell.
Confusion was total as my comrades were running, some of them on all four, climbing, trying to get back to the Makoto banner but the steep terrain was an obstacle to their retreat. We anticipated it but not the wave of imperialists that was clashing onto us. We expected 600 warriors, they were 2000 and their advanced weaponry was making our warriors drop like flies all around us. The Denshutai men were getting the most heavy fire and I heard Otori sound the retreat as well.
My bangs, sticky with blood, were obstructing a part of my eyesight, glued to my face. The blood was dripping from my head where a bullet almost pierced my forehead but instead, ripped the top of my skull. My right ear was pierced too and so were my shoulder and my thigh. My uniform, drenched in blood that was mostly imperial but a bit mine too, was getting muddier as I was also escaping and tripping, falling in the dirt, again and again.
Lifting my gaze, I could see the red banner that was my objective but it still was so far away. I didn't turn back on the battlefield, there was no point. My eyes covered by my sticky bangs, my ears ringing restlessly because of all the bullets that whizzed near them, my breath totally shallow under the exhaustion. I fought all I could. The Shinsengumi fought all it could. Nihonmatsu was doomed. We couldn't do anything more. It wasn't a battle. It was a carnage.
I reached the top of the hill with what remained of my soldiers and walked with difficulty. I was healing but since there was no necessity to unleash my powers, I wasn't healing fast. I found Haruhi there, eyes widden with horror and Keisuke next to her. She ran to me, still carrying the Makoto.
« Otousan !!! » she yelled « Otousan ! »
She kneeled next to me as I collapsed, more from exhaustion than from my wounds. Here, on all four, I had trouble finding my breath and, as I was weakening, my hunger for blood was awakening.
« Step... back... » I ordered her, panting with a hoarse voice.
She did as I said, probably familiar with this tone when she used to live with Souji. I stayed there a few minutes until my breath steadied and my hunger burried itself back into my bones. It's been a while I hadn't felt that thirsty but it wasn't a bloodlust episode. My hair were still black and the pain was absent.
« Alright. » I said when I was ready, turning around to sit with a view on the battlefield.
I passed my hand on my face, taking my sticky hair off my eyes and gluing them on the side of my skull.
Hell.
I could see the faces of the desperate men trying to reach back the makoto, getting shot. A bit further, the Denshutai and the Aizu were in the same situation, trying to reach their retreat point and regroup. In front of me, the Imperial Army was invading Nihonmatsu castle like ants on a fruit, setting it ablaze. I couldn't do anything more than witness, just like that night in Fushimi... Another defeat, another downfall... under the tide of change that was like a tsunami over our country.
« Otousan, are you okay ?! » she asked, scared « Do you need help to get back to Chizuru ? »
« No. » I said and I didn't know myself to which of her questions I was answering.
« But you're bleeding, we need to get you to Chizuru ! » she yelled, trying to pull on my arm.
I hissed because of the pain in my shoulder and she dropped it, apologizing.
« Keisuke » I said.
« Hai, Taichô. » he answered, taking the Makoto out of Haruhi's hand.
« Send the injured to Chizuru and notify me when everyone is here. » I ordered.
« With all due respect, Taichô » he objected, uneasy « you should maybe join the injured. »
« Maybe... » I muttered « But I am not an emergency and I would hold the line for more severely wounded warriors. »
If she saw me, Chizuru wouldn't be rational and she would probably treat me first, despite my Rasetsu nature. Warriors could die during this wasted time and we lost enough already.
Keisuke nodded and he organized the retreat efficiently, leaving me in my contemplation of the burning castle. With all the gunshots and screaming around us we couldn't hear those of the castle but I could feel them, deep inside. That distress...
« What's gonna happen to the people ? » asked Haruhi, sitting next to me.
I didn't answer. How could I explain it to her ? The daimyo would probably seppuku if he's not a coward, his generals would do the same. The women would slit their throat to avoid capture. The ones who failed or didn't have the courage would be raped then killed, maybe. Or maybe just raped, over and over. The boys of the Shonentai would fight, sixty two against the tide and they would be killed. They probably already were. Most of the people who sheltered in the castle would die by sword, bullet or fire. That was the reality of war.
She didn't repeat her question. I think she knew what was going to happen. She just hoped my answer would be different than the one in her head. She stayed silend and watched the fire with me. The battlefield was emptying itself and now we could hear the screams in the distance. It was a sinister sight.
« Taichô, everyone is there. »
« Alright » I nodded, getting up « We shall return to the camp. »
Haruhi got up too and I ordered her to take the Makoto back from Keisuke. We walked silently until we reached the camp. Chizuru was nowhere to be seen, probably attending the wounded in the infirmary tent. I didn't go. I would see her later. I got back to the tent, innexpressive and back straight but inside, I was beaten... I just couldn't let my soldiers see me. In the security of the tent, I let my rage errupt, banging my fists on the ground. I didn't scream. I couldn't let them hear me. Hijikata-san tasked me with Nihonmatsu, he told me it shouldn't fall and we've been helpless. It fell completely after only half a day of battle. Our defeat was unquestionable.
« Otousan... » said Haruhi, getting in « I should maybe go and ask Chizuru to come and see you ? »
« Go away. » I told her harshly.
« Do you want something ? » she asked again.
« Go play somewhere else, Haruhi ! » I replied with more force.
« O... Okay... » she stuttered, going out.
Chizuru had no time to waste with me. She would come when she would have time. Shit ! We had been completely helpless... Helpless... My mind was swirling with images of what could be happening in that castle while I was in my comfortable tent... I knew there was no point in thinking about it, I did what I had to do, protect my men when we were overpowered but... Part of me was feeling guilty for the others I let down... And for Hijikata-san who trusted me... and Kondou-san... How could I have that commander title when everything I did since Toba-Fushimi was loosing and loosing again ?
Fuck !
Out of anger, I flipped the desk next to me, making all the paperwork fly around me. That was pretty stupid and I stood up to gather it back with a sigh and ordinate it again.
« Hajime, I heard you're hurt ! » I heard in the entrance and I turned to find Chizuru, eyes filled with worry « oh Gods ! » she yelled, putting both her hands on her mouth « why didn't you come to the infirmary ?! »
« It wasn't necessary. » I sighed as she ran to me to inspect my head.
« Take off your clothes. » she ordered.
« Chizuru, I'll heal, alright ? » I said « You probably have more serious injuries to treat. »
« The Denshutai doctor took over. Otori-san is also helping, he has a western medecine degree, did you know ? Anyway, they asked me to take some rest in the afternoon and I'm taking the night shift after since I've been at it all morning already. I'm not expected back. »
I nodded and complied, undressing myself so she could see my injuries. She gathered my clothes in her arms and headed out.
« Haruhi » I heard her outside « you're on laundry duty. When it's clean and dry, give it back to me for sewing. » she ordered in her demon princess voice and that made me smile a little « and bring me boiled water and clean cloths. »
Having Chizuru close was already making my mind feel better. She always had that super power, to ease my mind and bring serenity to it in any circumstances. She turned back to me and made me sit to inspect my shoulder and my thigh injury.
« There's still the bullet in your shoulder. I have to remove it before you heal around it. » she said, taking some ustensils out of a pouch « ready ? This will hurt. »
Haruhi entered back with a bucket of hot water and cloths and got out immediately. Chizuru removed the bullet and I didn't make more sound than a hiss. I had a feeling of déjà-vu, although this time, I would heal a lot better.
« Okay, it's out... » she sighed, showing me the little metallic bullet « Now we need you to heal. »
« Are you sure you'll be alright ? If you need to take the night shift. » I asked « I can wait and heal slowly. »
« Don't be stupid. What if there's an emergency or anything and you're still wounded ? » she said, using water and cloths to take all the sticky blood off my hair.
I smiled. It really was nice to have her conforting me. What a calming sensation her hands on my head could be... She took a step back, grabbed her tanto and opened the futon so she could sleep when she would feel dizzy. She installed herself comfortably and I came closer to her, crawling between her legs.
« If you need to take a lot, then let's make it right for the baby » she said with a smile « it's this vein, remember ? »
« I know. » I nodded, taking the tanto off her hand to cut myself.
I didn't know why the westerns decided that it had to be cut here and here only. Blood was supposed to flow in all the body so why this one was the one to be removed ? Yet, it seemed to work. The baby was strong and vigorous so I guess we were doing this right, as strange as it could be.
I lifted my gaze when I was ready to cut and waited for her permission. She gave it and I slid the tanto against her skin and pressed my lips against the wound to suck. It was so soothing and consoling, the warm liquid entering my throat was heating my whole body and easing my worried mind. I felt my injuries closing all at once and my strength getting back, renewed. As usual, the delicious taste was sending me to heaven and I was still craving for more. It was sending me over the edge, like a climax but that had nothing sexual. Or maybe a little. Now that I was thinking of it, I was also craving for another kind of intimacy, probably because I nearly died.
Still three or four months to go anyway...
« Hajime, it's enough... » I heard her say faintly.
With tremendous efforts, I stopped drinking, letting my tongue wander on her as usual to clean her up until her wound was closed. I wasn't over yet though and smoothly, I pulled on the ties of her underwear and took it off to apply my lips there.
« Hajime ! » she whispered-yelled in surprise.
She lifted her eyes to see if I was in Rasetsu form and if she was in some kind of danger but I wasn't. I just needed her to confort me and at that moment, the only thing I was wishing for was to hear her moan under my touch. I couldn't enter her because of the corruption but that didn't mean I couldn't please her, right ? The monks said nothing of the sort to me.
« What, what are you doing ? » she asked, panting already.
« Shh... » I whispered between my lips « just.. let me... please... »
I needed that warmth and more than ever, I needed to hear her. My tongue resumed flickering slowly, like a frightened cat, making her bundle of nerve tense under my touch and she started to whimper faintly, her legs spreading even more and relaxing, surrendering to my ministrations. That encouraged me and I became more insisting. It was a bit frustrating though, I wanted to use my fingers but I couldn't and my own body was already stiffening but it would be dissatisfied since I wasn't planning to do more than just that.
« Ha... Hajime... Ha... Me... Haji...» I could hear her moan softly.
I loved it so much, everytime I was hearing my name out of her lips. What I loved even more, were these broken versions of it when she was getting so overwhelmed that she couldn't even say it properly anymore. She was pushing her hips against my mouth and I brought my hands on her thighs to steady her. Her core was now hard and I sucked on it, making her escape a cry of pleasure.
« Shhh.. Chizuru... » I scolded « We don't want to be interrupted... »
One of my hand travelled on the inside of her thigh, caressing her under the knee and on her ankle then got back up, on her round stomach and stopped because of her tight obi. I passed my hand behind her back and undid it so I could go up again and I squeezed her breast, so big now that they weren't fitting in my hand anymore. My tongue still sucking and flickering on her core, I stroke her nipple and made it roll between my fingers.
« Ha... Ah... Ah... Hajime... » she moaned even louder and I got up on all four to muffle her with a kiss.
As usual, she made that disgusted face when she tasted her on my lips and I let her catch her breath a few seconds before my thumb took over where my tongue left, making small circles, applying pressure then moving faintly. She was shivering, building up and I kept my mouth on hers to swallow her groans and moans. When I sensed her stiffen and arch her back, on the verge of extasy, I quitted her lips to bite her nipple and that sent her over the edge as my thumb was insistent on her core. She escaped that high pitch scream, her mouth open, her eyes golden, her legs shaking under the unbearable tension that was getting released and I smiled and rolled to the side, letting her catch her breath.
« What... What... was that ? » she asked, panting.
« An orgasm. » I shrugged, resting on my elbow with my cheek in my palm, looking at her.
« I know that. » she chuckled « but why ? »
« You ask too many questions » I smiled, using my other hand to brush on her cheek.
My desire was still so strong and I was nearly aching, asking for release but I wouldn't, to not hurt the little one.
« You do realize that after all you've drunk, I don't have the force to continue ? » she asked sadly.
« I do. » I nodded and I leaned over to kiss her « And I don't mind. Sleep, Chizuru. »
She smiled and closed her eyes and fell asleep so quickly that there was no doubt she was totally exhausted. I watched her for a while. That power she had on me... The power to sooth me even in the most hellish situations... Only her could do that, even back in Kyoto. She was the only one capable of calming me down but also of making me loose control. She was perfect. Was that what we call a soulmate ?
I stood up and looked for spare clothes and I found a clean black kimono. I put it on and headed outside to calm my body and clean myself in the nearby river before offering my help around the camp. Chizuru would probably sleep all afternoon anyway and I needed to be kept busy to forget how futile our war was.
