Chapter Thirty-Two

Three nights, two mornings and four lectures later Clay was finally released by the doctors back into the care of Bravo with very strict instructions about what he was could and couldn't do. And sadly for him, the list of what he couldn't do was a hell of a lot longer than the one that he was allowed to do. They hadn't been able to release him earlier due to his temperature still been too high. They had finally been able to get it under control after discovering that one of Clay's surgical wounds had started to become inflamed and had set him on another course of antibiotics. Along with the fluids and the meds, Clay's temperature had finally started to come down. So much so that they were happy enough to release him back under Trent's care as long as he did what he was told.

With Clay's longer stay, the doctors had rex-rayed his shoulder and found that the fracture was healing nicely and had done so enough that he didn't need to keep it in a sling if he was resting. However, had said that if he was walking around then it would be best that it was back in the sling, for the time being, to make sure it healed enough so he could use his arm fully again. They had also x-rayed his chest to check on his ribs and sternum as they had been worried that the fall had possibly damaged the work done to get them to heal correctly, but thankfully everything had been fine. Clay's lungs both looked good and even three of his ribs that had been cracked had disappeared already, however, the ones that had been broken completely still stuck out like a sore thumb on the x-rays. Jason had been shown them by one of the doctors and in his head, he had a picture of what had caused each one, that had made his blood boil. They all felt like that, the only difference was that some of them could hide it better than others. Ray and Trent had been the only ones that could hide their emotions from everyone, but for the rest of them, it was clear that they were still as pissed as they had been when they had found out that Clay was in trouble, even Brock had found it hard. The normal cool-headed dog handler had exploded a few times on them. Not as many times as Sonny and Jason but enough to let others know that he wasn't happy. Cerberus had been the same, not only was he sidelines until he could be re-assessed but their pup would barely leave Clay alone if allowed to stay. He would set himself up in a protective position close to Clay and glared at anyone who bared come close.

And that hadn't changed when they had gotten back to Jason's place. Cerberus glued himself to Clay's side and only left it to eat, go outside or Clay had gone to the bathroom himself. It didn't matter if Brock left to go home, Cerberus did not leave Clay's side. Sonny had even joked that maybe they would have to start calling Clay their dog handler since their pup liked him more but after a cold glare from both Brock and Cerberus, he had quickly dropped the topic and had excused himself from the house to go and grab some food with Jason. Leaving Brock, Ray, Trent and Clay alone. As soon as they had gotten there, Trent had set Clay up on the couch along with Cerberus and couldn't help but tell them both to stay.

Trent had left soon after Jason and Sonny had taken off to go shopping. They had barely anything in, Jason had planned on going shopping with Clay after his debriefing for food as he had a feeling that Clay might like to pick what he ate since he was going to keep Clay with him until he was sure that Clay was well enough to go home. But the kid had changed his plans and since then they had camped out on base till Clay was well enough to go home. Trent had given Jason a list of things to get Clay, foods that were high all the things that Clay needed to heal. But also all the foods and more importantly drink. Trent had laid down the law with all of them, Clay was not allowed to consume any alcohol at all. Not with the meds that the doctors had given him. Trent had also told Clay the same thing.

He wasn't going to risk Clay's health again and so he had needed more supplies. Stuff that he had at home. Also, he needed to see Amber. His new wife had dealt with a lot recently, he had quickly called her when Clay had collapsed and a few texts to keep her updated but personally, he needed to see her. The only people that he allowed to see his real emotion was her and his mother. No one else really saw that side of him unless he lost control. But Amber was tough, she had to be. Marrying a Seal was never an easy thing and if they weren't made of strong stuff it didn't last. He just hoped that this time, he had found the right on. But leaving Clay was hard, he knew that his little brother was safe with Ray and Brock but in the end, he was the one in charge of the teams' overall health. Which meant the buck ended with him.

Ray had settled himself in the chair next to the couch and had picked up a book that had been left on the table in front of the couch. Clay had quickly nodded off as soon as the others had gone and Cerberus had joined him. With his head in Clay's lap and Clay's arms wrapped around their pup, the image of two of them was too much to pass up and Brock and Ray had quickly taken a few snaps before Cerb's eyes snapped open.

Brock then had quickly retreated into Jason's room, one of them needed to stay awake with Clay again. Not for the concussion but for the nightmares. It had been a plan that they had drawn up with they had been waiting for Clay's doctors to discharge him. Brock was to take the first night shift so had gone into Jason's room to get some sleep, but he hadn't bothered trying to get Cerberus to join him. His pup looked happy with Clay and if it allowed him to sleep then all be it.

That left Ray watching Clay but he didn't mind, the book he had picked up had been one of Clay's that the guys had snatched from his cage. Not a bad read and thankfully in English. He had made the mistake once of trying to read one of Clay's books before but that one had been in Italian. It was one of the languages that Clay didn't know very well and Ray knew that the kid had been starting to learn new languages. And Ray liked to challenge himself and learn new languages. Maybe it was a little competition between the two of them in who can learn the most languages.

Without noticing nearly three hours had passed before Ray heard something that caused him to look up from his book, the room had started to go dark but there was enough light to see that Clay was staring back at him. Quickly saving his page and putting it down on the tablet but before he could ask him if he needed Clay spoke.

"Can I ask you something?" Clay asked running his fingers through Cerb's coat as he spoke.

"Yer sure. Anything." Ray answered leaning forward so he could make sure that he understood everything Clay said. If Clay was going to talk to him like they wanted then he was not to make this any more painful by getting him to repeat anything.

"The guys told me about the time that you were cut off from the rest of them when your shoot didn't open," Clay said now not meeting Ray's eyes. He remembered hearing about everything that had happened to the guys when they were on the hunt for the person who had nearly cost him his life. Really he wanted to forget the whole thing but he found that maybe this was a way that he could talk to one of them about what was going on with him.

"Yer, something I never want to relive again," Ray admitted and nodded to his own statement. He had never wanted to relive what happened again but at the same time what had happened to him had in fact saved him. Saved him from losing everything he held dear.

"Yer..." Clay muttered.

Ray looked at his brother with a little confusion, why was Clay bring this up? He remembered hearing from the others that they had filled Clay in a little about what had happened and the lengths they took to get the man who had nearly killed him but couldn't understand why Clay wanted to talk about it now? What was wanting to tell him? And so he asked, "What about it?"

Clay pulled gently at Cerberus' coat for a good five minutes before answering Ray's question. He had no idea how his brother was going to take it, but he needed to ask it. "You ever felt like you deserved it?"

This floored Ray and he felt his jaw drop. He had expected an odd question or something like what did he feel when he thought he was going to die but that one, he was not expected. "Where is this going Clay?"

Clay didn't look up and didn't really listen to Ray's question but knew that he didn't get an answer. "Did it?"

Ray thought for a moment at Clay's previous question. And then it hit him, his brother thought that he deserved what happened to him. Pain mixed with anger burned through his veins and it took a moment before he could trust that he had control over his own voice. He wanted to scream, to shout at Clay telling him that he didn't deserve this, that no one did. That what happened to him was the most painful and horrific thing that could happen. That Jones had been the one to betray them and that was not his fault. He knew Clay blamed himself for a lot of things but this time he was not going to allow this one. But he also knew that like Jason, he couldn't just tell Clay that, he needed to help him make that decision himself.

"Maybe. At the time, I was in a pretty messed up back then. I lost my faith and was spiralling. I started falling into bad habits." Ray started with, hoping that maybe with him opening himself up to Clay then the kid would do the same. He had fallen back into his old ways and he had hurt his family doing so. Something that he was not proud of. And he hated talking about it, to any of his brothers but yet again if it helped Clay then the kid needed to know that none of them was perfect.

"But you got through it," Clay said and Ray could hear that it was not a question but a statement. And a true one. He had got through it, but it hadn't been a journey that he made alone. He had help and not just from his brothers but his family. Even though they were the people that he had hurt.

"Yer but it took time. And not after I treated Naima badly, ignored my kids and punched Jason in the face." He regretted everything he had done and was still paying for his mistakes but once again his family had come through for him when he needed them the most. He still remembered the amazing sound of Jason's voice and the sound of his brother's weapons covering his back as they got to him. Something that he would never forget.

"Felt good though?" Clay muttered with a little grin and Ray laughed. He knew what Clay was referring too and yes, punching Jason felt good but it had been for the wrong reason. Jason had been right and he had allowed his own pain to cloud his judgement.

"Yer but don't tell him that. At the time, I was so mad at him but also I knew that he was right. I messed up and I am still trying to make it up to everyone even when I know that everyone has already forgiven me." Ray answered looking at Clay, he knew that the kid was holding onto his every word and also got the feeling that he was close in getting Clay to open up.

"Ok." Clay said and looked back down at Cerberus who had twisted in his sleep that his belly was now in the air.

"What's this all about clay? You didn't deserve this." Ray said and made sure that he put a lot of his 2IC voice on for the last bit. God he just hoped the kid believed him.

"What if I did?" Clay asked in a timid voice. Ray's heart cracked, the kid sounded like Jameelah when she woke up from a nightmare and was still scared that the monsters were going to get her. A completely different image than the hardened Navy Seal that he knew.

"Come on Clay you did nothing wrong," Ray said, feeling like they were going to have to repeat this a few times with this kid to get him to believe them.

"Lying to you guys," Clay muttered.

Ray groaned, he had been through this before but it looked like he was about to have it again. "Come on Clay we have been through this, none of us blame you for this."

"Well, maybe I do." Clay blurted out and quickly pulled his legs off the couch and allowed his elbow to rest on his knees with his head in his hands. His fingers automatically ran over the scar left by the doctors almost reminding himself about how close he had come to death.

At the sudden movement, Cerberus shot up and whimpered at the loss of his pillow. The dog suddenly only had eyes fro Clay and softly started to nug Clay's shoulder with his nose trying to get his brother to look at him. Ray, on the other hand, sat in silence shocked about what had just happened. They all knew that Clay was blaming himself for what happened but he had never thought that it would get this bd that he was allowing his own guilt to eat away at him. "Why?" Ray asked softly, using the voice he would often only use when speaking to his own children but Clay needed that comfort now more than ever.

"Coz I wanted to get back out there before I lost my use." Clay finally admitted and hated himself even more for the pain that had become mixed up in his voice. He knew that all his brothers wanted was for him to get well but that wasn't enough for him and he knew that the odds were stacked against him on everything.

"Your use?" Ray asked confused, he had no idea where Clay was going with this and for once wished he had another one of their brothers with him to help.

Clay sighed and knew that Ray didn't understand him but having to explain it only made him feel worse. He had gone through this conversation over a hundred times in his head but this time, for real, was not something he had expected. "When I went back to the range my shot was off," Clay admitted shaking his head at the thought, he had missed nearly every single shot and the once that he had hit had only been flesh wounds. He had been pathetic.

"So," Ray said shrugging his shoulders not getting what Clay meant. They all had off days when it came down to training. None of them liked to admit it but it happened and to him more than once.

"Off like as in failing Green Team. Couldn't get my hands to stop shaking." Clay said grabbing his knee but he could see that his hands were now shaking and so could Ray. He was a sniper and he couldn't hit a single target, what good was he now if he couldn't protect his brother? Maybe the boys were better off without him, maybe he was truly done in the Navy.

"It's just nerves, you will get there," Ray said as he got up and moved to sit on the table right in front of Clay. He knew that crowding Clay maybe a little risky but he needed to get the kid to look at him. He remembered his first mission with Adam after his shoulder and he was so worried that maybe he would mess up that he was finding it hard to hid his hands from shaking.

"What if I don't?" Clay asked, knowing that he sounded like a child who was scared of the dark but all he couldn't lock away his emotions anymore, not on this.

"You will when you get back to full health," Ray said gripping hold of Clay's knee causing Clay to look up at him.

"What if I don't?" Clay asked again, now he couldn't stop the tears from falling. He was pathetic, how the hell did he get into Seals? He had failed at everything and everyone. Why couldn't he just disappear?

Ray must have seen the fear and quickly gripped hold of Clay's arm like he was holding him up from drowning in his own pain. His other hand, he wrapped it around Clay's neck being the kid closer to him. The kid was hurting more than ever before and they had missed it. It had taken the kid to reach the breaking point for them to see it. "Come on kid, where did all this come from?" He asked softly, keeping their heads close to the kid could whisper if he couldn't talk.

Clay squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop the tears but found that he couldn't. Ray had broken his dam and there was no stopping it. "What if I'm more of a risk than an asset to Bravo?" Clay whispered letting his head fall in shame. He was a risk to his brothers and he was still hurting them to this day. He could see it even if they couldn't.

"You are coming back to us, Clay," Ray said with a strong tone, he was not about to let his brother believe that he had lost them. Not ever, he felt his 2IC tone come through with his fatherly tone. The kid needed to believe him, he was not about to let the kid think that he was done because he wasn't. Not until they said he was done.

"What if I cant, what if I never heal enough to get cleared what if I..." Clay knew that he was rambling but he couldn't stop himself. All the pain and worry he had been feeling was causing him to voice very worry he had to his 2IC.

Ray gripped hold of Clay again and forced his brother's head up but with Clay keeping his eyes closed he said but made sure that he gave his 2IC tone. "Clay look at me," he knew that Clay would do as he asked. The kid followed orders and he had been right, a minute later he was met with Clay's blue eyes.

"Yer what if..." Ray said and when he saw the pain he continued. "We can't live with the what if. We know that better than anyone. We just have to live the time we have been given and someone up there made sure that you lived. You just have to find the path that is right for you. We'll be here for whatever you chose, whether that is to come back to us, or if you're not ready then work with the other instructors on Green Team. Get your conference back and when you're ready not us then we will be there." Ray said smiling as he saw some of the worries in Clay's eyes fade a little, the kid was listening to him and his words were getting through. He was getting Clay to hear his words and he could see that he was slowly believing them. Green Team had saved Ray when he was healing and he thought that maybe it could help Clay. Also like Jason, he knew that Clay was going to be one hell of a 1IC one day and so needed his hours to get his own team.

"Really think that will help, working with Green Team?" Clay asked, finding his voice once again.

"It did for me," Ray said finally letting go of Clay as the young man lent back into the couch suddenly feeling drained.

"I'll think about it." Clay said but he was nodded. Ray knew Clay really was thinking what he had said but he wasn't going to push Clay any more. He could see that with all the emotion, the kid was wiped.

"Good," Ray said smiling softly and even more when Cerberus pushed himself under Clay's arm as he settled once again into Clay's sides.

"Can I ask you something?" Clay asked after a few minutes of silence.

"You already did," Ray said and laughed at the look Clay sent him. "What that not funny?" He asked.

"You've been hanging around Sonny too much Ray." Clay stated, shaking his head at Ray's attempt at humour.

"What? I'm funny." Ray said smiling. "So what's your question?" He asked knowing that if Clay had something else to say then he wasn't going to stop him as he had no idea when he would get Clay to open up like this again.

Clay shook his head but then looked down at Cerberus. "You ever feel like we don't make the difference?"

Ray was taken aback a little at this question, the kid was surprising him today but they all had one thing in common. He was doubting himself. "Clay, you made one hell of a difference there." He said and was shocked at Clay reaction to his comment. Clay was shaking his head like he believed Ray was talking rubbish.

"How? Getting Aksoy killed, getting Richie and the others killed how the hell did I make a difference? All I did was cost five good men their lives." Clay snapped, he suddenly had felt a rush of anger and pain once again.

"No..." Ray started and then moved forwards so he was closer to Clay. The kid looked wiped still but he could see the kid physical shake with the anger. "No Clay, you did more. You helped weed out a traitor who was helping an arms dealer sell weapons to our enemies. Weapons that were going to be used to kill our brothers and sisters. Brother, you did a hell of a lot of good bring Jones to justice." Ray said, making sure that he pushed the proud fatherly voice into his words, the kids needed to know that he was proud of him. That they all were.

"Thanks man," Clay said but not fully believing but knew that he had done something right. He knew that it would take time for him to believe that he had made a difference but he was starting to see it.

"Anytime," Ray said again, the kid had a lot of pain but at least he was talking to them now and not burying it.

"So..." Clay said looking up as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "...when do you think I will be allowed back in my own place?" He asked. He wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed instead of in Jason's or Mikey's. But knew that he couldn't without his brother's approval.

"Not until the doctors, Trent and all the kinds horses clear you too and not before," Ray said sternly. Trent had gone through Clay's recovery plan but they had not had the chance to go through it with Clay yet and he was not going to be the one to tell him.

"Think you have been reading junior's storybooks too much," Clay said with a small grin on his face.

His annoying little brother was back. Ray did his best to keep his face straight as he shook his head and answered, "Funny guy, I will remember that when I get you running hills with Sonny for a week."

"What did he do?" Clay asked grinning more broadly.

"Do you want me to write you a list?" Ray asked and with that Clay burst out laughing. Out of all his brothers, Sonny and Clay were the trouble makers and they were already causing him a headache.

"It's good," Jay muttered, mainly to himself but Clay heard him.

"What?" He asked a little confused about the comment.

"Hearing you laugh like you mean it. Haven't heard it in a while." Ray explained, he had missed hearing Clay laugh for real. Not a fake laugh but a real one. The kid was healing. That was clear as day to him now, they were getting the old Clay back. Slowly.

"That's a little weird Ray," Clay muttered looking at Cerberus who nodded.

"Two weeks," Ray said holding up his fingers.

"Come on." Clay moaned as he pulled his hood over his head.

"Two weeks of what?" A voice from behind then called out. They turned to see Brock coming into the room and taking Ray's empty seat.

"The number of weeks Clay is running hills when Trent clears him," Ray said turning back to Clay who was grinning like a child who had gotten away with something.

"Better you than me anyway don't worry Clay, Ray will more likely forget about it when the time comes round," Brock said throwing Clay a fresh bottle of water to which he caught with ease and with a grin.

Ray groaned, he was getting ganged up by his brothers. Where was Jason when he needed him? "That's it, you too Brock."

"Hey!" Brock called.

"What's he done now?" A new voice said and they all turned to see that the rest of the team had come back. Trent had come back with his fresh medkit and a bag of clothes from home. Jason and Sonny were stood behind him with three bags of shopping in their hands. They had set it down in the kitchen but forgotten about as they came straight back into the room.

"Been a pain like all of you," Ray said shaking his head and looked to Jason for help.

"What do I?" Sonny asked, looking a little shocked that he was getting the blame for something that he didn't remember doing.

"Everything Sonny," Ray said shaking his head, his brother was going to kill him sooner rather than later.

Jason smiled and shook his head at the sight in front of him. His family was slowly coming together again. They were healing. Slowly but they were. Then he looked at Clay, his youngest was slowly healing and then he saw that some of the cracks that he had seen before were slowly healing. But then he saw Cerberus who had thrown himself on his back on his couch.

"Hey, no dogs on the couch." He called as he moved back to the kitchen to put away the shopping.

"You going to make him move coz I'm not," Sonny called through and Jason found himself smiling as he heard Clay laugh. His annoying little kid was coming back.

"Pain in the arse. " He muttered but then he heard Sonny call back through. "No, I just have common sense."

"Not a lot of it," Brock answered.

"Shut the hell up Brock," Sonny shouted back.

God, he was so happy that his brothers were coming back but at the same time his headache was only going to get worse then they all were back together. "We created a monster," Ray said as he entered the room. And Jason found himself laughing but also nodded at that. Sonny and Clay together were a monster even together, both good and bad. But now all together, the team had become the best. And for that, they had become the most dangerous. A true monster but only to their emeries.

However, to Jason, they were a family. His true family.