I
tossed and turned in bed, tugging at the sheets that felt like arms draped inactively around my waist. It was no good whichever way I rested. Nothing set me free from the moment that had passed only an hour ago with Edward.
I hadn't been ready, willing or prepared to allow anyone so near or to play with feelings I felt sure had been long taken.
How did he reach me? How could he just let go?
And how was I to forget what I never knew I needed?
My inexperience was my weakness. My vulnerability was going to cause self doubt and inner beatings. Whatever he felt for me with little degree or worth it, couldn't be forced, pushed or exceeded to my advantage. Nothing was certain. In life or in death, and since I was neither and drifting somewhere in the between, I had to be patient.
That night I dreamed of Jake. It was nothing frightening, not even unexplainable. But something seemed amiss the whole time he was there, as if he was only partially present.
He wasn't wearing much clothing, only some type of wire banded garment covering his most vital parts that needed no enhancement, and left little if nothing to the imagination.
I wasn't even embarrassed or reluctant to stand too close. It seemed natural for his nakedness to be on display. And he spoke in a way that was authoritative, yet not demeaning.
At first, he spoke fluently in another language. I couldn't grasp what, possibly Latin, and although it was foreign to me in sound, I clearly understood every word he was saying.
He didn't want to bring me harm were his first words. His second was that he was to obey every command.
When I assured him, I wasn't doubtful or in need of his help, he bent down on one knee as if to propose. Again, I wasn't shocked or afraid, just totally reserved and at peace within the moment.
He kissed my hand and offered me his crooked smile. My own crept through, wide and proud, feeling honoured as well as dizzy with happiness.
"You keep me alive," he ushered, kissing my hand again.
"You keep me alive too," I confessed.
He stood and lowered his lips to mine and kissed me gently, as if I was fragile and prone to tear or crumble. The kiss deepened and he wrapped his arms around me, encasing me against the drum of his heartbeat.
"I've waited for you Bella." His voice rang through me, like notes of a song written only for my ears. Imprint to my memory with the words for all eternity. Yet I couldn't move or say a word in return. He looked at me as though he knew how I felt and understood my lack of an urgency to reply. His face crumpled. His eyes sunk in too deep within their own sorrow, diminishing his smile.
When I woke the next morning my cheeks were damp with tears, my sheet moist and heavy. I wasn't sure how I felt, whether it was sadness, confusion or guilt? Maybe it was all of them mixed with a deep dependency to shield myself from what was unexplainable to describe. It mattered somehow that I was here, awake and deprived of the one I saw the least. Someone who cared enough to visit me when I needed him the most.
Jake was a person in control, a step ahead of the tame way he encouraged himself to convey his opinions or actions without hurting me in the process. He understood the pace I needed to proceed with. He kept back until I was ready to reveal more than I'd given through a short time.
Edward the other hand was relatively speaking, a mystery, a complicated sum or puzzle that couldn't be figured out in one attempt. It could be damnable, maybe even destructive.
I had to be careful.
