The Emptiness of My Rationalizations
Jelena and Winski worked their way down the colossal ash in companionable silence. Both were sweating and breathing heavily, but enjoying the growing stamina of their bodies, the feeling of being near each other. There was no need to say anything: the silence was not a void to be filled with social noises, but a pleasant state of being, trust, love, physical and spiritual sense of being close. Winski didn't remember many similar silences from their earthly love. Their moments were mostly secret ones stolen away, shadowed by the ever-present knowledge and threat of Reiltar. They had felt the need to talk so much, to pour their hearts out whenever they got to be together. This affectionate silence was a luxury. Why is it that when people think of 'ideal love' they think of drama, passion, difficulties, physical beauty, overflowing feelings, mused Winski, when in reality ideal love is silent acceptance, companionship, being used to another, teasing each other, everyday rituals.
Suddenly Jelena's expression changed. She stopped her climbing abruptly and sat on a branch, leaning to the trunk. Her eyes closed in concentration she was absolutely still. Winski said nothing, guessing that she felt either Sarevok or her divine Lord. After a while she opened her eyes, smiling and shining.
- "I felt Sarevok, Winski. He was so... happy! Forgiveness and new insight was flowing into him, and he felt gratitude, happiness and a resolve..."
- "A resolve to do what?"
- "I didn't quite get that... it was vague... but to do better, to live for a purpose."
- "Live? I thought he is dead," Winski said, his voice quavering.
- "So did I. And I doubt I could sense him unless he still is in the planes. It is confusing," Jelena said, frowning. "But that much is clear. He is happy, and he has been forgiven, he plans to do better, and he wants me to know all this."
- "I wonder if he remembers me at all... or if he does, if he blames me for encouraging him in his madness," Winski said quietly. "For all practical purposes, I was his father. I should have known better..."
- "I am sure he remembers you," Jelena said. "You are one of the most important people to him, in terms of how much you have affected him alone. Your mistake was a grave one, yes... but you were in your own way just as lost as Sarevok was. And remember, Tamoko couldn't make him listen either."
- "Yes, but had I helped her... perhaps together we could have made his life take a whole another direction..." Winski continued, in pain.
- "We will never know. Bhaal's grip of Sarevok was very powerful indeed. A god, him being dead doesn't matter in this case, has significant power to manipulate a shattered, proud soul in pain. Don't beat yourself, my beloved."
- "You don't understand." Winski's voice was but whisper, his eyes hollow. "I used you, my pain over your death, as proof. Proof of that he should seek the powers of Bhaal. I said that if he lived an ordinary mortal life with Tamoko, he could lose her any day... he was contemplating it, Jelena! And I used your memory in my heart to discourage him from doing the right thing."
- "I know that," she said. "I heard you talking to me in your bitterness, calling me the mistaken one. Believe me, you are delivering a good part of the punishment you must face on yourself in beforehand. You must have mercy on yourself as well."
- "How can I? Sarevok was my charge, always was. He listened more to me than perhaps to anyone. By influencing him I influenced countless others. Meeting these friends of yours and seeing these different planes has made me understand and see a lot, but it also makes me see how truly ignorant I have been to the consequences of my choices. The emptiness of my rationalizations. Like it was my choice to make which people are 'significant' and count, and which are just unfortunate losses fit to be used as material in the machinations of the significant ones." His eyes, tortured, burning in deepening despair. He was unknowingly ripping his dark, coarse hair.
- "Winski, love. This is exactly what you need to learn. Don't you see that?" Jelena asked, her eyes and voice so full of love.
- "But... it makes me loathe myself, so ashamed of merely existing. I... ah! Why am I going on about this, when Sarevok is happy somewhere? I should be happy too... I hate all these immature and illogical emotions!"
Jelena suppressed a laugh.
- "Could it be that the mention of being forgiven, and living for a purpose, resonates somewhat with something you are experiencing at the moment?" she suggested in a careful tone.
Winski seemed to ponder this, frowning deeply.
- "It might," he answered, after having given it a good time of thought.
Jelena was endeared and amused. Sometimes it was funny how things that were screamingly obvious to her went completely over Winski's head, or he noticed them only after being led by the hand as a small child. If only he could see things like this as clearly as he could make rapid logical deductions...
- "It might," she said aloud. "Well, Sarevok's sins were grave too, and he has found forgiveness. You will, too. Something tells me that you won't have to spend a long time imprisoned in Nifheim. Then, think about it... we can live in Bytopia or plane-trek some more. Together, always."
- "Do I deserve to?" Winski quietly said.
- "Yes." Now Jelena's voice was firmer than it had been during the whole discussion. She took Winski's hand and stroked it. His tension started to relieve, his face relaxing a little.
- "As maudlin and unoriginal as such a statement may be, I still feel compelled to say that I love you," Winski said in a dark and grudging voice.
Jelena just kissed him on the cheek, happy to see he was himself.
- "I love you too," she grinned.
