A/N: Everything recognisable belongs to JKR
Dumbledore's words weighed heavily on Hermione, and she spent the next few days devoting more thought to time travel than she had since she developed the potion and spoke with his portrait… years ago, now. She had never questioned the concept when Professor McGonagall handed her her time turner in her third year - she did her research and knew she needed to avoid herself. She had followed the rules successfully for nearly a year before Dumbledore encouraged her and Harry to interfere in Sirius' favor - and that had shifted her perspective on everything. She had been so worried over Harry's actions while they were in the past and so puzzled over Dumbledore's mission for them that she never really stopped to think about the circular motion of it all, and after that fiasco, she was only too happy to hand the device back to Professor McGonagall.
Unfortunately, it made her head hurt, but her actions over the past few weeks - months, really - caught up with her, and she couldn't help but think of the changes she wrought in the lives of those around her. She recalled her words to Dumbledore. She thought of her words for Severus. The empty portrait disappeared the moment she decided to come into the past, apparently. What if she was the reason that Snape thought to turn to Dumbledore? She had encouraged him, hadn't she? What if she was the person who motivated Snape to become an excellent occlumens? As much as she loved to revel in her accomplishments, she didn't want to give herself that much credit. Surely there were other things, other sources in Snape's life that pushed him towards these choices.
And even if she had already succeeded the moment she decided to return to the past - she wanted to be selfish. Her time with Severus - even if he might come to hate her, even if it would be brief - she wanted to be a spot of happiness for him, as he had told her she was. She was something more than a survivor, more than a walking library to someone and it made her feel more valued than she had felt in years.
The day of the leaving feast arrived and unless something stupendous happened, there were no more points to be earned or lost. Most of the notices trying to recover lost items had been taken down, Lily having done her part as Head Girl and recovering many of the items with clever charmwork. Hermione had cleaned most of her workroom and condensed it into two crates. She hoped the mice would enjoy the flat in Hogsmeade - they would certainly have a better view.
When Severus found her around midday, her hair was up and her shirtsleeves had been rolled to her elbows. His eyes went immediately to her scar and his fingers rubbed against it lightly when he pulled her to him in greeting. "I still haven't found a place," he said. "Is it okay if I stay with you for a few days?"
"Of course," she replied, having anticipated his question. He hadn't told her that he had gone to look at any other properties, and though she was sure he was going to offer on the place where they had experienced the boggart, he hadn't mentioned anything. When she had questioned him about it, he simply stated that he was waiting for more places to become available. She knew he wasn't going to return to Cokeworth, and the only other option she could think of would be him staying with some of his housemates.
They spent the rest of their day reminiscing about their time together over the past two years before departing to prepare for the leaving feast. When they had finally reconvened in the Great Hall, Hermione at the Gryffindor table and Severus at the Slytherin table, her heart nearly burst with pride when Dumbledore began a small awards ceremony and Severus was presented with an award for his outstanding work in potions. She could tell Severus was surprised - he had to be encouraged to get up from the Slytherin table and he reluctantly walked to the front of the hall to receive it, his face having gone bright pink. Slughorn gave him an enthusiastic shake of the hand and a small bag of coins after Dumbledore handed him a plaque.
Lily watched him with a wistful look on her face and then turned to Hermione. "I'm glad he has you. You've been a decent influence, it looks like."
Hermione smiled at her. "I hope so."
Remus was recognized as well for something to do with Peeves - there had been fewer instances of malevolent poltergeist activity since Remus arrived at Hogwarts than there had been in any years previously. Hermione didn't quite understand, but the Bloody Baron and Filch certainly seemed to appreciate it.
Hermione met with Severus outside the Great Hall after they were dismissed from dinner. He could not stop staring at the plaque that he had received. "I had hoped -" he said, swallowing hard. "I had always - I never expected this," he said. Hermione leaned up to kiss him on his cheek. He rubbed his sleeve against the silver Hogwarts crest to clear away a fingerprint smudge.
"I'm so proud of you," she said. "You've earned it - this and so much more. I'm just glad they've seen it."
He nodded, somewhat in a daze.
"Oi! Prince! You coming?" Avery shouted, pointing to the staircase leading down to the dungeons, jerking Severus out of his stupor.
Snape looked torn.
"Go," she said. "You'll see me plenty after tonight."
He nodded and pulled her to him, kissing the top of her head before he headed down in the direction of the Slytherin common room.
Although Hermione had avoided most celebrations in Gryffindor tower over the past two years (having celebrated enough during her time at Hogwarts), she could not resist spending this last night downstairs. She hovered at the edge of the room, once again watching James and Sirius hold court, recounting all their antics with Remus and Peter over the years. She noticed that any mention of Snape was absent, and only a wary glance or two was thrown in her direction.
It was nearly midnight by the time the topic changed to their future plans, and Remus stood, yawning. His eyes landed on Hermione and he picked up a bottle of butterbeer, offering it to her as he approached. She took it and held it up to him in thanks before taking a sip. "I'm sorry I didn't join," she said. "But I've been enjoying watching you lot."
Remus nodded. "It's the last time they'll get to show off like this. It's good for you to let them have their fun."
She smirked and took a sip of her butterbeer. "What are your plans, Remus?"
"Sirius said he would let me live with him for a bit if I wanted, but - I don't know. My condition makes things a bit difficult…," he trailed off, and then cleared his throat, changing the subject abruptly. "And then we'll have the wedding to look forward to, of course, but I hope to find a job at the ministry that is understanding about recurring illnesses." They watched as Sirius lifted James onto his shoulders and attempted to pin a large banner that read "Marauders 4 Ever" over the fireplace while Lily tried to simultaneously tell them off and giggle at their antics.
When the pair calmed down, Hermione leaned her head on Remus' shoulder and slipped her arm around his waist in a hug. "I'm going to miss you, Remus."
"You sound like you're not going to see me again," he shook his head and gave her a squeeze. "We'll meet up, of course - that is, if Severus will let you fraternize with Gryffindors outside of school."
"Oh, he's not that bad," she hit his shoulder lightly. "But yes… we will meet up, of course," she replied, with a feeling that it would be years before he would see her again.
They stood in a side-by-side embrace for a few moments before Remus yawned loudly. "I still have some packing to do. I'll see you in the morning, Jean."
"Yes, goodnight."
The next day Hermione awoke early, savoring the last morning she would ever spend in a Hogwarts dormitory. She watched Lily sleep, drinking in the sight of her - it would be the last moments she would ever spend with Lily Evans. In a few short weeks she would become Lily Potter, and after that, mother to her best friend and then…
Tears welled in Hermione's eyes and she found she needed to leave the room. She dressed quickly, making as little noise as possible and dashed down the spiral staircase. As she made her way down into the common room, she felt something catch in her chest and had to stifle a sob. James and Remus and Sirius - it would probably be the last time she would see them alive as well. There were a few people already awake and picking up around the common room - discarded ties and robes and shoes that had been left behind from the night before. The banner had been removed from above the fireplace and was now draped over a sleeping Sirius and James. Hermione wished she had a camera to capture the moment with the two boys so that Harry could see this.
She lingered in the common room for a while, watching more and more people come down and wake the boys who grumpily retreated to their own dormitories. She waited until Lily came down and walked down to breakfast with her.
They ate quickly and when they passed through the entrance hall, the front doors were wide open and Hermione could see the carriages and thestrals waiting. She spent her last walk up to Gryffindor tower trying to memorise the feeling of this moment - this walk, the people around her who would go out into the world, into a war that many would not survive, and into a future that she knew would bring them pain. She tried to enjoy the sound of their laughter and everyone's promises to write one another and well wishes for the future. She grabbed her trunk and the cage with the mice and made her way down to the entrance hall to wait for Severus. He found her easily.
"Shall we go?" he asked.
"No - wait. I just want to say goodbye." She needed just one last look - just one more.
She saw Remus make his way down the steps and stepped forward to meet him.
"I'll write to you -" she said, hugging him tightly once more, savoring the feel of him in her arms. She did the same to Lily as well. "Good luck with the wedding," she said. "Keep James in line." She watched them exited the entrance hall, and then returned to Severus who was leaning against the wall and watching the other students make their way out the front doors.
"Okay, I'm ready," she said, slipping her arm through his.
They walked down to the castle gates and into the village together, Severus floating their trunks and the crates holding the items from their workrooms behind them. Hermione was doing her best to hide the flow of tears that trickled steadily down her cheeks.
She stopped before they reached the top of the high street so she could gather herself and Severus handed her a handkerchief he fished from the pocket of his robes. She thought that he would have rolled his eyes at her, but he didn't - he was patient while she dabbed at her eyes, choosing to inspect the landscape around them to give her a bit of privacy.
The estate agent was waiting for them at the door with her keys and, after giving the flat a once-over with them, left them to unpack. Hermione was pleased to see that it was partially furnished as she requested, and though the single bed was expected before Severus had asked to join her, it was a bit inconvenient now.
She lay down on it as he lowered the trunks into the bedroom. He squeezed onto it beside her and after a moment of elbowing each other for room, they broke out into laughter. Hermione got up and swished her wand at the bed, extending it to accommodate the two of them.
"Better?" she asked, laying back down next to him.
"Much," he confirmed, slipping his arms around her.
They spent the next few days unpacking and getting settled in, although Severus seemed to enjoy the settling in more than the unpacking, often taking advantage of the amount of bare skin Hermione had on show in the summer heat. It reminded her of the time they spent together over the Easter holidays - they rose and ventured out at their leisure and enjoyed each other's company when they had enough of the world outside.
She was able to pick up a few things in the village to make sure they had enough to at least make tea and cook a decent dinner, and she let Severus set up the small workroom. The mice indeed seemed to enjoy their new living space - he had made sure that their cage was made extremely comfortable for them. To her surprise, Severus did take the transfigured sofa from his workroom and it wasn't long before they had a very cozy sitting room. Severus had returned to his home and Cokeworth and returned with at least another trunkful of items, and though he initially claimed he was only intending on staying with her for a few days, it became clear that they had moved in together. Hermione asked if she was at least going to meet his parents but the only answer she received was Severus raising an eyebrow.
"Are you going to look at properties for a shop?" she asked, setting a tea in front of him one morning.
He shook his head. "They'll get in contact with me - and I've received an interesting offer in the meantime."
She opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself and nodded instead. The fact that he hadn't brought it up with her before this meant that he didn't want to get her involved. He had started to make little trips out here and there, and though he often returned with a loaf of bread or a pint of milk, the time he spent out was far too long for a quick trip to the shops. The first few times she questioned him, he simply held up the purchase in explanation, and she learned to stop asking.
Two weeks after their move, she couldn't help herself. He received an owl one morning and spent the rest of the day secreted away in the workroom while she did some reading on housekeeping charms in the sitting room. He let her know that he was meeting up with friends that evening, but did not return until the next morning.
Hermione was sitting on the couch waiting for him, more than a little angry that he had not let her know where he was or when he expected to return. She had waited up, anxious to tell him about the latest development she had made on the memory potion, but as the hour grew later and later, it became clear that he would not be returning that evening, and as the sky began to lighten with the sunrise, she forced herself to stay awake out of indignation.
There was only one reason she could think of him for staying out like she did, and though she knew it was coming, it still left her with a sick feeling in her stomach.
He couldn't quite meet her eyes when he came in the door. He seemed to be vibrating with a nervous sort of energy.
"I know what's happened, Severus. I'm not stupid," Hermione greeted from her spot on the couch, her eyes raking over him for any sign of injury.
He stiffened and seemed to brace himself for an argument. "The less you know, the better, Jean." He finally met her eyes, his expression wary.
She sighed, nodding in agreement with his statement. She rose and wrapped her arms around him and he eased into her embrace. "I'm just glad you're back and you're okay."
"We'll be fine now, though. You'll be safe," he reassured her.
She took a deep breath and pulled away from him. "This will be the last I say on this, Severus, and I want you to listen to me. I just want reassurance that you remember what I told you - if you… if you begin to have doubts -"
"I remember." He stripped himself of his cloak. "Is there water in the kettle?"
He did his best to hide his Dark Mark from her. He refused to take his shirt or robes off unless it was dark, or he wrapped it in bandages so she wouldn't see it when he undressed. He would jerk his arm away from her if she inadvertently touched it in bed. It was frustrating to lose part of him to that, and it wasn't long before she witnessed it burn and he had to rush from the flat and disappear with a crack of apparition.
Hermione stayed up for him the first few times he was called. Sometimes he would come back within the hour, but sometimes it would be a day and he would find her on the couch asleep. Although she knew it was to be expected, although she knew that all signs in her past pointed to his safety, it was difficult to reconcile this knowledge with his absence when he was called. She still worried for him, and her anxiety for him grew worse the later he was gone.
Severus' plans changed with his joining Voldemort, though she knew they would. No longer was he desperate to take out a lease on premises for his own shop - it appeared that he was given space to do it privately for no charge. He began to leave in the morning and return in the evenings just as though he were working a regular day job.
Although she loved her little flat, although she was enjoying - yes, enjoying finally! - the challenge of the potion and finding a permanent solution for it, she couldn't help but feel the niggle of that same restlessness that led her here to begin with begin to sink in.
Severus did help ease that. He stayed with her most nights, and though she knew he was no longer in Cokeworth, he was reluctant to say where he was based at other times. She knew it was not with another woman, but highly suspected it must be at Malfoy Manor or wherever he needed to be based. There were times where he would spend the whole day with her and others where he would apparate in at nearly midnight or even after, sliding into the bed next to her and holding her close until his grip relaxed and she could hear his breathing deepen.
When she asked him how his days or evenings were, he often replied in short clipped tones that frustrated her. She knew the less she knew, the better, but she did not think his life would be so consumed by it. She tried to make up for it by nattering on about her day, about everything from watching a funny dog walk down the street to the tuna sandwich she made for lunch to the funny little neighbourly dramas she saw played out of her workroom window. Zonko's did cause a lot of issues with their neighboring shops that provided lots of amusement for her. By the time she finished, the tension would ease out of him, his shoulders would sit differently in relaxation and he would slump back on the sofa.
It was not ideal, but she drew what enjoyment she could from it and she savored it. She knew it would not be available to her for much longer. September was drawing nearer, and she was going to keep her promise to Dumbledore.
She had started to carry her beaded bag with her at all times - secured it around her wrist or under her robes if it didn't quite suit the occasion, and she slept with it on her nightstand. Dumbledore's last meeting with her hand startled her quite a bit and she knew - she knew she had spent more time here than she needed to. She had had more than enough time to work on the potion, she could easily carry on her research at this point at home, and at least begin testing it on her parents. She had given Severus enough hints now that it needed to be up to him. He was a smart man. Severus himself was the only thing keeping her here - enjoying her relationship with him and the fulfillment she felt from it.
There were days where she let herself fantasize about staying in the past - about remaining here and seeing how her time would play out. She had hid Harry, Ron and herself from Death Eaters for the better part of a year - surely she could hide herself from Albus Dumbledore. She imagined the life she would have with Severus: a seaside cottage, the potions business they could run together. And then the rational side of her brain would kick in and remind her that it would still be a world with Voldemort. She didn't let herself do this often as it often led to a deep sense of frustration and tears, but there were times when it was nice to let herself imagine that she and Severus could continue on and be happy just as they were.
However, the atmosphere in the wizarding world was becoming more and more tense. There were reports in the Daily and Evening Prophet of new deaths and disappearances, and Hermione was fairly certain that secrets were already being passed to Voldemort from inside the Order of the Phoenix. She couldn't know for certain, but she tried to piece together names that Sirius and Remus dropped from her time at Order headquarters to events named in the papers, and a fair few seemed to match up.
Her suspicions were confirmed when she heard the crack of apparition outside her front door and Severus rushed inside. Hermione stepped out of their workroom to greet him, but she stopped at the sight of him. He was nervous and twitchy, pacing through their small sitting room.
"Someone has told him about you," he gasped out.
"What?" Hermione nearly dropped the vial she had been holding. She had been working on adjusting the potion for longevity and some of the test results looked positive in the mice.
"I don't know. I don't know who, but he's questioned me about you. I told him I would… I don't know." He bent forward, perching on the edge of the sofa, and his hands went to his head, gripping at his hair. "Jean, I'm frightened. I think I've made a mistake - it's not at all what I thought it would be."
Hermione's mind started racing. She could go back right away - now, in fact, but Severus - he needed her, and she was just on the verge of a breakthrough with the potion. She felt stuck - physically and mentally. She couldn't bring herself to move to him and neither could she make a decision about what to do.
She suddenly felt him gripping her shoulders. "You must stay safe."
"What did he say?" she asked, meeting his gaze.
"He was asking me about you - your abilities, if I thought you might be persuaded. He said he heard that you were a natural, but no one knows about your lineage, of course."
"Severus, did you…?" Her words were wary - she trusted him, but if he was under pressure...
"No, no - but he knew I wasn't telling the complete truth. I felt him in my mind, Jean, he just whipped through memories of you, you brewing, you casting that shield charm in our first Defense Class together - I couldn't stop it."
"Have you begun to learn Occlumency?" she asked, though she already knew the answer.
"No, but I will - right away. He can't have any more - I won't let him."
"Did he say anything else?"
Severus' face crumpled. "He knows about Lily as well."
She immediately wrapped her arms around him, and his were around her. His whole body was shaking with his silent sobs.
It must have been Peter Pettigrew - who else? Unless one of the Slytherins - but no, Slytherins took care of their own, and if Severus had wanted Hermione left out, his actions and lack of mention of her would have made that clear, though it seemed probable that any of the Death Eaters would throw their colleagues to the wolves in order to gain favor.
Their days began to pass in a manner quite reminiscent of their time in school. Severus would leave in the morning for wherever he was going to brew potions, and Hermione would spend the day continuing her research. In the evenings they would come together, Hermione doing her best to become adept at Legilimency, and Severus doing his best to block her.
And she was seeing so many memories, so much more of his life than she ever thought she would, and it just made her want to stay with him all the more. Annoyance led her down the path of memories that showed her a girl who could only be Harry's Aunt Petunia, his father, Dumbledore, other Hogwarts students who hadn't come to his aid when he was enduring a particularly bad bullying from Sirius and James.
When she hit on a memory of loathing, she once again saw his father, drunk and physically aggressive towards his mother and a young Snape, James and Sirius who made fun of his clothing and his upbringing, over and over, memories of them attacking him, seeking him out, and then she saw himself, memories of him saying horrible things over and over about muggleborns, joining in on tricks the other Slytherins played against them.
Anguish brought her memories of Lily. If she hadn't asked before, Hermione would have been blown away by the intensity of his feelings for her. His first meeting with her, his profound disappointment over the way it went, Lily being upset at him for invading Petunia's privacy, her face when he'd called her "mudblood", his intense apology afterwards. It broke her heart to see his friendship with Lily fall apart in the way it did.
When she followed fear, she saw him cowering in the corner of a room as a child watching his parents shouting at one another, she saw Voldemort as he pressed his hand into Severus' skin, she saw a dead body suspended before him, she saw Lucius Malfoy directing him to cast the cruciatus curse on a muggle woman and a child. He threw her out of his memories then, and he knelt at her feet crying and gasping for air.
She felt terrible for putting him through this, but he was determined. "Again," he would wheeze when she pulled herself out of the memories. He was getting better. When she had first cast the spell, she spent a full minute going through his memories before pulling herself from his mind. Now she only could access two or three memories before he redirected her or pushed her out of his head.
Slowly, he began to redirect her. Strings of memories would turn into remembrances of them together, and Severus, when he was feeling particularly accomplished with his progress, would shift his line of memories to their first trip away together, causing Hermione to blush and their practice to quickly stop, and their energies redirected elsewhere. He even began to plant false memories - memories of her doing things that she was positive she never did, something that they hadn't even gone over while practicing. She was intensely proud of him for this, even if one of the false memories was of her wearing a ridiculous French maid outfit.
A few weeks later, Hermione had just put a kettle on to boil around the time Severus normally arrived home. He liked a cup of tea when he was fresh through the door, and she had grown used to having one with him in the later afternoons. She heard the door open and close and the familiar sound of the scrape of his boots against the mat.
"Severus?" she called.
"Yes - it's me. We really should have a better ward on this door."
"Make yourself comfortable. I'll have a tea for you in a moment." She turned and met his eyes with a smile.
"Legilimens," Severus's black eyes bore deep into hers.
It wasn't fair - she was unprepared. Images of her parents, her mother taking a sip of tea and saying 'I love it, but it's so bad for your teeth' - The Burrow and Mrs. Weasley, Hagrid in tears and breaking his milk jug over tea, just before Buckbeak was to be executed - no - no - no. She did her best to put her mental walls up. They had always practiced on him, but never on her, and Dumbledore had told her that there was no hope for her, really. Tea with McGonagall, with Dumbledore - no, she tried to redirect her memory to somewhere else, but she couldn't think of anything. Her panic rose and memories she most did not want him to see immediately came to the forefront of her mind - stealing from his potions stores, setting fire to his robes, and that cage, that terrible cage with the snake in it, writhing and twisting inside, and the words "Nagini, Kill," in a high pitched voice.
She threw her arm across the countertop behind her, grasping for her wand, and the moment she felt it in her hand, she pointed it at Severus, throwing a stinging hex at him. He withdrew immediately and she was back in her flat, clinging to her countertop behind her, gasping for air.
She felt bad for giving Harry so much hell if that was what was sprung on him every time. "That wasn't fair, Severus," she choked out weakly, turning and leaning on the counter for support. Her mind - she felt exhausted, her whole body felt on the verge of collapse.
She felt Severus' hands on her shoulders, down her back, around her waist, and could feel the heat of him at her back.
"I'm sorry," he said timidly.
She shrugged him away. He took a step back to give her space.
"Was that your mum?"
"Yes," she said, testing her voice. It sounded firm but she knew if she had to say more that it would break.
"You look like her."
Hermione shook her head. Her face was hot, she could feel tears welling in her eyes.
"I'm sorry - I just - I was thinking it over today, and I'm not going to know when my mind is going to be attacked, am I? And I just wanted to know how long it may take to get someone out. I'm sorry," he repeated. When she turned to confront him, she could tell he was - he had gone pale and his eyes betrayed his fear. His fingers were twitching against his robes.
"So you thought to try it out on me? There are parts of myself that I can't share with you, Severus, just as there are parts that you can't - haven't - shared with me. I have kept that part of myself secret, because I have to. Not because I am refusing to be open with you, but because my life depends on keeping it secret. Do you really want to know about me?"
He was clenching and unclenching his fists now from nerves, but he didn't move otherwise, his eyes stayed on her.
She took a deep breath before she continued. "My parents lost their memory because of me. I was trying to help them, I was trying to keep them safe, but the only thing I succeeded in doing was hiding their memories of me and their life with me so well that the memories can't be retrieved and I've been told there's very little hope of ever recovering them. That work we've been doing? That's all because of a mistake I've made. I came to Hogwarts because I knew not only would it distract me, it would give me a chance to research and work alongside some of the best minds to help find a cure. I'm giving up hope, and I have a limited amount of time. I… I…" her voice cracked, and she found she couldn't speak any more and sunk to the floor.
The kettle had begun to boil and whistle angrily. Severus reached over and removed it from the heat.
She was crying now. She couldn't bear to look at him.
"May I touch you?" he asked, very quietly. She nodded. He kneeled on the floor next to her and grasped her gently, pulling her to him. "I won't pry anymore. That was wrong of me. I know. It's me who is supposed to be doing the blocking, not you. I just… I was jealous because you've been seeing so much of my life, my past, and the things I have done, but I know very little about you."
She opened her mouth to respond, but he shushed her, kissing the top of her head. "I will let you bring it to me when you can talk about it. I do know one thing about you, Jean Granger. My life has been infinitely greater for having you in it, and I don't wish to risk that."
She had stopped crying now and was clinging to him. She let him hold her until it grew uncomfortable - the hardness of the floor and the awkward bend of her legs. Her arm was falling asleep from being raised in the same position for too long. She pulled away from him and grabbed a nearby tea towel to wipe her nose and eyes.
"Listen, you go settle in - I'll be back." He kissed the top of her head and rose. She heard the front door once more and with a crack, he was gone. He reappeared half an hour later with a sheepish look and a grease soaked bag.
"Went to the local chippie in Cokeworth. I always thought it was the best," he explained.
They spent the rest of the evening easing their way back into comfort with one another. Hermione was sure that it would not be their last.
Later, when they were lying in bed, she heard Severus behind her draw in a breath. "Jean - that snake I saw… was that… It's the second time I've seen it, now. That was what you witnessed."
She nodded, stiffening slightly. Thankfully, in the memory, his form had been hidden.
He held her closer, wrapping his arm tighter around her middle.
She could tell he was truly sorry from the effort he made over the next few days. He did not go off to wherever he had been going, but stayed in and worked with her with the memory potion instead. They sat together in the evenings and read the paper together. Every flick of the pages reminded her that she had come dangerously low in her funds. If she did not think of something soon, she would either need to get a job or keep her promise to Dumbledore and leave. She mentioned this offhand to Severus.
"I think I might look for a job," she said, perusing the positions available being advertised.
"Are you that bored of life already?" He raised an eyebrow at her.
"No, but if I want to remain living here, I need to pay for it somehow."
"I can help," he offered. "My savings -"
"No," she shook her head. "Thank you, but as much as I appreciate it, I want to know that I can make my own way." How much more would Professor Snape dislike her if he knew that she had taken some of his savings?
They were silent for a while. Severus played with a bit of thread he had pulled from the fraying sleeve of his robes. "What do you think you'll do?"
"Hogwarts is always looking for new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers," she teased, tapping an advertisement. "Maybe I can do that."
"But we've only just left! And you know every boy will be -" Color leapt into his cheeks and he couldn't find the words to finish the sentence. It reminded her of when Ron read the Witch Weekly article about her. "Teenage boys are disgusting." he finished.
"Well, it's too late for this coming year, of course. Probably next year." She didn't know why the words were out of her mouth - she knew she couldn't be here next year.
She could tell he was unsure of the idea.
"Or I could work at the little cafe down the high street. I saw them advertising. You could come visit me at lunchtimes."
She saw him relax once more.
"It's not that I don't think you should work," he explained. "I'm not trying to control you. I just… I don't want anything to happen to you.
"I know," she said, leaning into him. "I'll figure something out." His words had inadvertently given her another reason to leave. She did not want him to live a life where he was always worried about her, though she was afraid she was too late for that.
Severus distracted her by pushing the travel guide in front of her. On the days where he knew he was not needed wherever he was going, they would choose a place to visit and apparate there for the day. They visited York and walked the medieval walls and investigated the site of witch burnings, and went to Whitby where there was a vampire community. One tried to entice Hermione to be a willing donor and Severus apparated them away in a huff. They joined American tourists at Stonehenge to contemplate the meaning of the stones, though Severus thought it was a bunch of rubbish. "I think it must be something to do with giants," he said. "Probably a game board for them."
Severus didn't often brew at her flat, but he seemed to make more of an effort to be home more often and she began to find little things of his here and there. A stirring rod that she knew wasn't hers, little bottles of potions ingredients that were labelled with his neat writing. His cloak began to be thrown over the back of her chair, and she always found various bits of scribbled notes on the floor that had fallen out of the pockets.
He had come in extremely late one night and when Hermione entered her lab the next morning, she found a half brewed potion and a flash of bright green caught her eye on the floor. Severus' cloak was haphazardly thrown across her chair and the phial must have fallen from it. She picked it up and held it up to the light. She heard Severus rising in the room next door.
"Severus," she called. "What is this?"
"Gods, Jean - put that down." Severus was standing in the doorway to the workroom and looked as though he had been stunned. His hair was still mussed from sleep.
"What is this?" she asked, holding it up to him.
"Nothing - just put it down."
Hermione stared down at the vial, the green liquid inside shimmered at her.
Severus stalked over to her and grabbed it from her. "Don't go through my things."
"It was on the floor! How could I not pick it up?" she replied indignantly.
"It's a variation of the potion - but it's not one for you to try."
"What variation, Severus?"
He sighed. "It reaches the drinkers worst memories."
Hermione felt ill. "And you created that?"
"Of course I did. I had to do something to prove myself worthy."
Merlin, she wanted to retch. Something that she had helped create had led to this - and if she felt this way just at the thought of its creation -
"You've tested it." Something clicked - his attitude after NEWTs. His disappearance for a few days.
"Yes."
"On yourself," she confirmed.
"Yes."
"That week you were ill - you looked like death, Severus -"
"I wanted to die," he said. "I didn't expect that side effect. I felt it every time I walked into my lab after. That's why I didn't want you in there."
She sighed in exasperation. "Please don't do anything like that again, Severus - if you do, please tell me. What if it had been poison? What if you had actually died?"
"The less you know, the better," he responded firmly. She was tired of that being his go-to answer for everything that had to do with that part of his life, and it usually meant the end of the discussion.
She shut herself away in the bedroom for the rest of the day, contemplating the contents of her beaded bag, turning the newspaper from 1998 over and over in her hands. All she had to do was tap it and she would be back to the present. She wouldn't have to have conversations like this with Severus anymore, she wouldn't have to worry about him when he didn't come home, she would be back in the safety of the company of her friends - she hoped.
When she emerged from the bedroom later that day, she found him seated on the sofa reading through a book on strengthening ingredients for potions. "I have access to a new library of books," he said, carrying on a conversation with her as though that morning hadn't happened. "I think you might find this useful." He gestured to a tea he had sitting on the table, steaming away.
Hermione sighed. If that was how it had to be - for just a little bit longer, she could endure it.
"Oh?" She retrieved the tea and seated herself on the sofa next to him. He handed it to her and they spent the rest of the evening working out calculations for additional ingredients to add to the memory potion.
They continued on in this way for a further few weeks, Hermione growing more and more anxious each day that September drew closer. Her promise to Dumbledore weighed heavily on her, and though she thought she could stretch it for a few days, maybe a week after the start of the term before he would come to check on her, she knew that she needed to go. Every time she began to think of her excuses for leaving, for leaving Severus alone, her heart broke and she could not even find the courage to rehearse the words to let him know she was going to leave.
It was an extremely warm night in the middle of August when Hermione was shaken awake. Severus had been called away earlier that evening and, having grown used to it now, she had gone to bed without him.
"Jean!" Severus' voice hissed at her through the darkness. His fingers were digging into her arms with such force that she knew there would be bruises.
"Severus?" She grabbed her wand. "Lumos," Severus looked slightly crazed. His eyes were darting to every corner of the room.
"Jean - you must leave!" his voice was frantic, raising higher with every word. He was beginning to pant from stress, something she hadn't seen him do for ages.
It couldn't be anymore different than when they had parted earlier. They had had a nice dinner and had made love before Severus had been summoned. Now he was swathed in the deepest darkest black and holding a silver mask at his side.
She quickly swung out of bed and pulled the nearest set of robes on. Her shoes - where were her shoes?
"No time! They'll be here any moment!" he hissed. She grabbed her drawstring bag and started throwing items in it. She grabbed letters, notes, the travel guide that they had been looking through when he had been summoned. There were so many things she thought so important to have with her now that she was sad to leave behind. Suddenly, a light flared outside her window.
"Oh, Merlin…," Snape panicked. "The anti-apparition wards are up. You'll have to get out through the window -"
"Severus," Hermione was doing her best to keep calm. Her way out was tucked away in her drawstring bag and she would be gone in two seconds when needed. He couldn't stay focused on her. His eyes kept darting towards the doorway. There was a sudden banging from downstairs.
She threw herself at him, her arms clinging to him tightly. "I love you." She had always resisted saying it before, but she had to say it now, she had to let him know in case in a moment she went forward twenty years and found herself in a world where he no longer existed. She needed to let him know.
His eyes met hers for a moment. There was absolute fear in them. "Go."
She pulled away from him and dug around her bag, desperate now for the copy of the Daily Prophet in her bag. She could see Severus out of the corner of her eye securing his mask and beginning to slash her bedsheets with his wand and setting fire to their room.
Their eyes met once more before she tapped her wand to the paper, thought with all her might of the present and Harry and Ron and the broken Hogwarts that she left, muttered "portus". The paper glowed blue and with a tug at her middle, she was gone.
