Chapter 40.
"They're here." said Sarah, who had been looking out of the window for a while and kindly pretending to Dean that she didn't notice him doing the same thing.
He looked at the clock. "Six minutes early." he said.
She was already hurrying out to greet them and he followed. As soon as Sam was out of the car, she hugged him. "Thanks for coming." she said.
"I'm not avoiding you." Sam said.
"Not any more." she said. Cas was out of the car now too. "Hello, Castiel!" she said.
Cas came over and hugged her, then he turned to Dean. "How are you, Dean?" he said.
Dean resisted the urge to say he was fine and instead said, "A sleepover, Cas? Really?"
Cas smiled. "It was a great sleepover."
"Cas, for it to be an actual, real relationship, you have to at some point be intimate with her."
"We were very intimate last night. We talked a lot. I even know her preferred sandwich fillings. She hates tuna, loves salmon."
"That's not intimacy. That's catering." said Dean.
"You are far too invested in this." said Cas, "My relationship with Jules means more to you than it does to me."
"It's not like that." said Dean.
"It is starting to look a little like that." said Sam, "Don't worry about them. It's unconventional, but it's working. They're happy. That's all that counts, right?"
"Yeah, of course, I just ... Look, Cas and I need to talk. Cas, come with me to the creek. Sarah, Sam is all yours."
Cas went with him. "You still haven't said how you are." he said, halfway to the creek.
"Tired," said Dean, "Slowly approaching a level of stability."
"What does that mean?" said Cas.
Dean waited until they were at the creek, looking into the quickly flowing water before he said, "I've been having some weird delusions."
Cas looked troubled. "What kind of delusions?"
"I kept seeing fire and associating it with you. First it was fireballs, which you seemed ... not afraid of, but confused by. That made no sense. I thought maybe Michael was launching an assault on the bunker, but he wasn't. It was all in my mind."
Cas was frowning.
"It's okay, Cas. I'm now pretty sure what's real and what's not."
"What else happened?" said Cas.
"After that, I saw lava."
"Like liquid fire?"
"Does that mean something to you?" said Dean.
"Why would it?" said Cas, "I'm just trying to work out what it could mean."
"It means I am out of my mind."
"Well, very clearly, you're not." said Cas.
"And yesterday I had this Byrds song in my head, for hours."
"Birdsong like tweeting?"
"No, like Turn, Turn, Turn."
"Oh. To everything there is a season ... "
"Yeah. It was just weird and random, but maybe it meant something. Maybe my subconscious is trying to get through to me."
"I wish it luck." said Cas, "We've all headbutted that particular wall."
"Are you okay, Cas? You look worried."
"We're both worried about you, Dean. That's why we're here."
"Yeah and I'm grateful. It's good of you both to drop everything and come here to help me."
"You're important to us. We'll always be ready to drop everything."
"Speaking of what's important, what did you mean, that the Jules thing means more to me than to you?"
"Probably hyperbole." said Cas.
"I don't know what that is." said Dean.
"Google it."
"I don't mean to interfere. It's just that I want ... "
"Me to be happily settled with someone so it's okay when you throw away your life trying to kill Michael?"
"I just want you to be happy." said Dean, "There's no hidden agenda here."
"Well, it's certainly not well-hidden. In your mad rush to die for the world again, just remember that Michael is an angel problem."
"Michael is an everybody problem." said Dean.
"There's something I need to ask you." said Cas.
"Ask." said Dean.
"Do you think I'm depressed?"
"Do bears ... Yeah, you're depressed. You have been for a long time. It's a side effect of siding with us against Heaven. You went against your nature."
"No, my nature changed."
"Either way, it was hard and it left wounds. You're strong and you cope with it very well, but yeah, you're one unhappy angel and we need to fix that. Maybe Jules can fix that. If you're thinking of getting help, I know one hell of a therapist."
"I don't think I need help. I just need to know that the fears and forebodings I have are not rational. Then I can ignore them."
"Your fear that you will always screw up is irrational." said Dean, "Your fears about Jules are not rational either. You can have something great with her. You just need some courage."
"And a brain and a heart." said Cas.
"Don't talk like that. Don't ever talk like that. You need to believe in yourself. You need to tell yourself that you're worthy of her."
"I don't have your capacity for self-delusion."
"Sometimes I wonder why I like you so much."
"Sometimes, I do too." said Cas.
