Chapter Thirty-three

It had been a long week but Jason had learned a lot more about his men in the last week than the last few years. Really ever since he had brought Clay onto the team he had found out that he didn't fully know any of his team, not even Ray. Not really. They had all their secrets and each of them respected them but when Clay joined it felt like the team had become a true family, and with that came the bonds and the arguments. Also during that week, he had finally been able to get the whole story out of Ray. At first, Ray had tried to keep some of it back so he wouldn't break Clay's confidence but in the end, he needed to let Jason know what was really going on in their kid's head.

On the night that Ray had finally gotten Clay to open up to him, he and Jason had almost locked themselves in the kitchen under the impression that they were cooking dinner which was true but also gave them a chance to talk. It also allowed them to make sure that Clay was too entertained with his brothers to overhear their conversation. It took nearly an hour for Sonny and Brock's argument to come to an end, which very much entertained both Clay and Trent who sat back and watched the two threaten each other. They knew that neither of them meant it, fighting was what brothers did. But all the noise was a good cover for them to speak without been overheard. The kid had ears like Cerberus and could overhear anything that was said about him or if he wanted to know something.

But really Jason didn't care if Clay overheard them, mainly because he knew that the kid would hear how proud he was of him. After weeks of the kid closing himself off from them, thinking that he was a pain and a burden on them, the kid had finally come to them. Clay had finally opened up to him and that was enough for Jason to know what the kid was finally healing. Jason had been tortured watching the kid that was once so cocky that he wanted to kill the kid himself turn into a shy, quiet shell of the man he saw leading Bravo one day. That night was a start, but he couldn't get too overhappy. He personally knew about how quickly that darkness and pain to return so they had to keep an extra close eye on Clay for the seeable future. And that only proved more valuable when Ray had told him everything.

Hearing what had been playing repeatedly in the kid's head hurt him on a level that he didn't know the kid could affect. Why did the kid affect him so much? Every time the kid was in pain, looked depressed or scared something inside him crawl at his very nature to do everything in his power to make everything ok. He knew that the only way he could describe that feeling to anyone was that of a father's instinct. The feeling of wanting to grab hold of him and wish all his problems away, make everything better. Just like he wanted to do for Emma and Mikey as they grew up.

Even though he saw Clay like a son, that didn't stop sometimes the feeling that all he wanted to do was to hit the kid's head against the wall repeatedly until he knocked some sense into him. And right now he wanted to do that to him. To knock that he wasn't a burden to them right into his head. However thought better of it, mainly because Trent would kill him. They had learned over the years of having Clay with them was that a concussed Clay was not a fun Clay. The other reason was that right now, he didn't think having a go at him would be in his best interest. Not when the kid was really thinking that he was worthless and no use to them anymore.

The whole situation was crap but also needed to be handled with great care, like when they had to deal with a very hungover Sonny. Like that, it could go one of two ways, either he helped Clay heal or send him back into his depression. Clay was a young and experienced Navy Seal but that only made him more dangerous, dealing with an injured Seal whether they were known was like dealing with a cornered injured animal. When Clay was healthy and happy the kid was outgoing, up for pretty much anything that sounded like fun and always there for his brothers when they needed him but when he was hurt or depressed like now, he would often close himself away from everyone, locking his own pain along with it. Hoping that he would just fade into the background unseen. He never liked seeing the kid like that and hoped he would never again.

When Jason and Ray had finally joined the others after their conversation, they found both Clay and Trent both crying with laugher as Brock and Sonny finished their argument with Sonny threatening his revenge on Brock when he least expected it. And since then, they had the old Clay back. But the one thing that was playing on his mind was the possibility of Clay's change in behaviour could be linked to the fact that only two days previously did Trent and Clay's doctors dropping down the number of meds he was on. Which in turn allowed Clay to stay awake longer than he did previously but also allowed Clay not to seen so out of it.

As the week went on, Jason had decided and set out sending his brothers home or at least one or two of the them at a time. But only during the night as he would never get them out of his place during the day without a really good reason. As Clay was now healing properly they didn't need to all be there for him, if any of them. Clay had started to sleep through the night, on occupation he would wake up during the night but that had started to become rare. The nightmares were still there and were unlikely to completely disappear but they weren't haunting him. It was like they were on the back burner at the moment but Jason didn't want to risk them coming back if he allowed him home himself. And like normal, they could all tell when he had one but lately he either was getting better at hiding them from them or they had been locked away in his head. Whatever the reason, Jason was just happy the fact that the kid was sleeping properly and when he checked on him, the kid looked at peace. Peaceful and too young to deal with everything that was happening. But he didn't have to deal with it alone.

Ray had been the easiest to send home, but mainly because he had called Naima and got her to come and get him. That woman was a saint in herself for putting up with them and for stealing her husband for that long when he was at home. She knew what the team was and also understood how clingy they were to each other when one of them was hurt. She also had taken time out of her day to do Clay's checks with Trent, Jason had also seen something in her that he knew appeared in him. Naima treated Clay like a long lost son. And in such knew how to get him to do what she wanted. The other reason to get Ray home was for the fact that Jason knew that Ray missed his kids. Ray loved his brothers, that was clear and he would do anything for them but he was also one of the best fathers and husbands he ever knew. The man would often enjoy more sitting with his children reading them their bedtime story than in a bar. Asking him to spend any more time away from them was unfair. Clay had also told him as much and only when he promised to call him if he needed him and had sworn that if he couldn't then he would get one of the others to do so.

Sonny had been the hardest to get to leave and had taken three blow-ups to get him out of his place. Their stubborn Texan was almost impossible to kick out of the house and without a fight, the man wouldn't leave unless ordered too and he wasn't going to do that to him. He couldn't do that to him or really any of them but then again he had a backup plan. His plan B.

And his plan B involved calling Blackburn for a major favour. And that favour was to get Lisa re-assigned back to them from her new posting. He had no idea how he managed it or how many favours he had to call in but Blackburn had really come through for them. He now owed Blackburn a full crate of the most expensive Whisky he could find and then double it. With Lisa back home with them, it meant he didn't need to worry about Sonny anymore, none of them did. She was the only one that could get Sonny to do anything without ordering him or having to bribe him other than Clay. She had been able to get him home, showered and asleep in his own bed a few times during the week. However, sadly it didn't work every night. Lisa kept him grounded which was what they needed right now until Clay was back on his feet to control the idiot. They all knew that Sonny hadn't been sleeping very well, just like Clay. So Jason knew that he owed Lisa a lot as well.

Brock had also been hard to get rid off which they all found odd. Thinking more carefully about the whole situation, Jason remembered that Brock was the quietest member of the team, running second was Clay. When Clay was alone and not with Sonny, he noticed that the kid didn't really say much unless he had something to say, just like Brock. A few times when he went into the cages he would find Clay and Brock alone. Often reading. The two of them were close but he had no idea how close till now. It showed more when Cerberus was around them both. Their pup often chose to follow and stick close to Clay rather than Brock when they were both relaxed and Brock didn't need him. In the cages when Clay was sat reading in his hammock Cerberus would often jump up and sit on Clay's lap happy watching everyone around him. During their stay with him, Jason had found out that Clay often spent days with Brock and Cerberus when they were off. Going for runs, going for lunch and even staying around each others' places watching the game or a film. The two had been closer than they ever thought.

Four days after Clay had come clear to Ray, Brock had come in grinning from ear to ear with some great news. Cerberus had been reassessed by the trainer on base because of his behaviour lately and thankfully they hadn't removed him from duty. They hadn't cleared him for full active duty but instead had placed him on probation. That meant he would be allowed back into the training field but under very close watch from the trainers until he improved. It wasn't until he had cornered Brock in the kitchen after Clay had gone to the bathroom did he find out what had really happened on the training field. Their four-legged brother had passed because Brock had taken a friend with him. And that person was Clay. For some reason, Clay's presence on the field had helped Cerberus get his focus back on the task in front of him. He also guessed that until Clay was back at full health they were going to have to watch they little hair-missile for any other odd behaviour.

Trent had been very much like Ray and didn't put up much of a fight when he told him to go home. But only because like Ray he had someone at home. Amber had been pretty understanding about why Trent needed to be with his brothers. However, in the end, she needed her husband. With Clay's help, Jason had finally been able to kick him out as well. That, however, did not stop him from turning up at eight in the morning to give Clay a full check over, change his bandages, make sure he had his medication and check on his prescriptions to make sure that he had enough and to make sure he completed his antibiotics course. Trent really cared about his brothers and he meant well but they call could tell that Clay was really getting sick of all the poking and prodding and often would snap at them when things got too much.

Clay's mood had improved when they were together and more so when they were doing something he enjoyed. Mainly sitting around the TV watching a game or a film with pizza and drinks. Sadly with alcohol still being off the menu for Clay and so alcohol was banned from the house until he was cleared to drink. Clay had almost gone back to normal except one thing, for the first hour of been awake Clay was off. Jason couldn't really place it but it was certain that something was wrong with him. It was like he was back into hiding things for them, however, he went right back to normal the moment one of the others turned up. He also noticed that Clay would often try his best to hide his pain from him, as they lowered the number of meds and the amount they knew that Clay would start to feel the pain that had been numbed for so long. With that pain, came Clay hiding in his room as much as he could if they were alone. Often only leaving it to go to the bathroom or heading to the kitchen to grab a cup of water since he wasn't really allowed coffee still and something to eat.

But today was a new day and he had plans. Plans that involved Clay. Plans that didn't mean them laying around the house watching TV all day, no the plans that he was about to set in motion had been planned since Ray and himself had talked. Since admitting to Ray some of the problems that he was dealing with, Clay hadn't said anything more. However, with the behaviour Clay had been showing there was something that was still clearly bothering him. And they needed to find out what or get Clay to deal with it on his own quickly before it caused him any more pain.

Something that Jason did find odd was that from what information they had from Foggin was that Clay had almost cut off all communication with his old team. Not a call every so often or meetups. He often texted a few of his old team and meet up a few of them for a drink. Ones that were still alive. It had been that thought that had given them the idea of which they had set up.

Ray and himself had planned the whole thing without telling the others and especially Trent as they knew that he would never have allowed Clay to go through with it as there was a risk of setting Clay's health back but more importantly his mental health if things went wrong. That was not what they wanted to achieve but at the same time, Clay couldn't continue with that. But as this plan wasn't known by the rest of the team they had to move quickly and without them knowing. He had gotten Clay up early, really all he did was stick his head into Clay's/Mikey's room and switched on the lights waking Clay up. He had ordered him quickly to get ready as they were heading out today.

As they left the house under the impression that they were heading to the shops to pick some things up for Clay that he liked. But Jason knew that they were playing a very dangerous game. And not with just Clay's health but of the teams. Ray and Jason had lied to the other and he knew that they wouldn't take that lightly when they found out. Before leaving Jason had Trent run over Clay one last time to make sure that he was well enough to leave. So as they left, Jason felt so lucky that he had been the one to take Clay because he would hate to be Ray who was currently sat in his place with Trent and Brock. When their brothers found out what they were doing they were going to hit the roof.

The car journey was quiet but Jason couldn't help but smile as they headed on towards their destinations. He had been completely surprised at how easy things had gone but knew that one mistake could cause the whole thing to come crashing down. But what surprised him the most was the fact that Clay hadn't questioned anything. The kid was still on medication but he wasn't dumb. None of them were which was why he was so happy that he was in the car and not there. But the silence was a little odd. He couldn't help but check on Clay a few times to make sure that he was still awake. The kid was just watching out of the window, not really paying attention to anything they were passing. It was like the kid was in his own world.

Turning his attention back to the road which was nearly empty, but that wasn't what he was thinking about. He was worried about how Clay was going to react to the plan. The kid was very secretly regarding his past and he didn't talk much about what happened in his old unit. Clay had no idea that Ray and Jason knew more about his history than they were letting on. Clay had kept his past a secret for a reason and they weren't going to let slip they knew more.

Would Clay be pissed at them for knowing things? Would he be annoyed for them for bringing him back into his life?

"Come on really, where are we going?" Clay voice broke the silence and Jason turned to meet Clay's eyes who were staring back at him. He saw his kid's eyes flicker towards the road every so often and Jason knew that the kid was trying to work out where they were going. At the beginning of their journey, Clay had questioned him a lot. Repeatedly in fact, however thankfully he had dropped it soon after.

"Told you the first thirty times Clay..." Jason said with a smile.

"I know, I know, wait and see." Clay said resting his head against the glass of the window. He had wanted to sleep in this morning as Trent told him that he was going to be a little late as he had planned on taking Amber out for breakfast to say thank you for being so patient with him, which also meant Trent wouldn't be able to get to Jason's till at least after nine o'clock. And so a lie in was almost a possibility until Jason had woken him up with that damn light that caused him to curse under his breath.

"You are such a child," Jason said laughing a little as he said it and shook his head at how childish Clay was acting. The situation reminded him of the holidays he uses to take with Alana and the kids. Emma would be the first to complain about how long it was taking to get there.

Clay paused a second and looked at Jason before turning on his usual childish grin and asked, "Are we there yet?"

Jason sighed and grumbled a little comment about how the hell did he land himself with a Seal who acted more like a child than his own children before laughing a little as he said shaking his head, "Shut up."

"Shutting up boss"," Clay grinned before leaning back in his seat. His shoulder was really starting to bother him at the moment but not enough for him to ask for his other painkillers that Trent had given Jason before they left. He wanted to know what was going on but had a feeling that Jason wasn't going to tell him and it was starting to drive himself crazy.

"Seriously where are we going..." But then he stopped as he saw where Jason had pulled onto. They were going onto base? It didn't make any sense. Why were they going onto the base? He thought that Jason was taking him to the shops but instead took him to the base. Trent had banned him from entering base unless it was for a medical reason and he had made it clear to him that he had told them all that they weren't allowed to take him anywhere he wasn't meant to be.

"I thought Trent had me on house arrest unless it for a medical check on base?" Clay asked turning confused at Jason.

"Well, we are going to the base," Jason said, waving to a couple of the team guys they passed and continued on his way. He knew that the guys they had passed hadn't been cornered by Trent yet so they were safe for now.

"But for what?" Clay asked confused, even more so because Jason would never go against Trent's word before so why was he now? Whatever was going on, Clay knew that Trent clearly hadn't signed off on it.

Jason sighed and knew that Clay wasn't about to let this go; the kid wasn't stupid. Sooner or later he knew that Clay was going to work out what was going on and where they were going. "Look..." Jason started before turning to face Clay a little more, hoping that he wasn't going to mess everything up as he didn't want to lose Clay. But he also didn't want to lie to him.

"Look Ray told me what you said to him." He said carefully, hoping that he wasn't about to cause Clay even more pain than he was feeling now. Admitting to Clay that Ray had told him everything was hard because he was telling him that Ray had betrayed his trust.

Clay paused for a second and allowed the fact that Jason, his boss, knew what he had told Ray. He met Jason's eyes for a second before looking back out the window. He had no idea how to feel about the whole thing but he guessed that he should feel hurt and annoyed at the fact that his brothers had been talking about him. But he wasn't surprised either. He knew that all Jason and Ray wanted to do was help him.

"You don't look surprised?" Jason asked, a little confused. He had expected Clay to explode about them talking about him, this reaction was odd.

"I guess he would have filled you in." He said shrugging his shoulders, he didn't care anymore.

"You're not upset about him telling me?" Jason asked now really shocked. He had expected a little hatred or pain from Clay regarding them talking about him behind his back or the fact that Ray had blabbed to him about what he had said in private. The one thing that the team ran on more than their skills was their trust in each other for being there to watch each other's back.

"At least I don't have to repeat myself," Clay muttered before turning back to looking out of the window of the truck again.

"Why didn't you come to us before? Come to me?" Jason asked; he had thought that they had gotten through to Clay about how much they cared about him and how much Clay was family to them. So why would he keep things from them? It didn't make sense.

"I didn't want to put all my problems onto you," Clay admitted not turning to look at Jason. He couldn't look at Jason, the man was like a father to him and once again he was been a disappointment. But the one thing that he had learned from his real father was that he was not meant to show weakness. Weakness was something that he shouldn't have, he was a Seal. He wasn't meant to have a weakness. Maybe his father was right, maybe he wasn't made for being a Seal.

"I told you before that you are my responsibility Clay, you can come to me with anything. Doesn't matter what time of day or what is going on with my life, you always can come to me." Jason said gripping hold of his steering wheel as he spoke. He had seen the look on Clay's face. Angry that was what he was feeling but the anger wasn't at Clay. He knew that look, it was the same look that Clay always had after he had met up with Ash. Whatever Clay was thinking had something to do with Ash. He really wanted to have a conversation with the man that was by paper Clay's father. But really, all he wanted to do was hunt Ash Spenser down to find out what the man did to mess the kid up this much.

"I know but I..." Clay started to say but couldn't speak very well mainly because he had couldn't work out what to say. He didn't want to show Jason weakness, but he also knew that by the look on Jason's face he had worked out that he had been thinking about Ash. He just hoped that Ash and Jason never meet because he would hate for Jason to get arrested for killing the man.

"No buts kid." Jason snapped. He kicked himself for snapping at the kid, it wasn't his fault his father was a bastard.

"Ok, but will you at least tell me...why are we pulling up to the base? I don't need to see the base doctor until next week." Clay asked, knowing that if he could get Jason off the topic of his conversation with Ray then all the better.

"I know when your appointment is, I'm taking you," Jason said turning to look at Clay and turned right at the end of the road.

"Sure about that?" Clay asked he had planned to go with Sonny. He was the one brother who wouldn't ask his doctors a lot of questions, well him or Brock.

"No way in hell am I letting you out with Sonny coz the second they clear you to drink then Sonny would take you to the nearest bar and I would have to come and you both when closing time came," Jason stated throwing his arm in the air as he spoke, all he needed was them both to get shit faced and then end up in the brig for Sonny starting a fight.

"Haha, would be fun though." Clay said quietly with a little chuckle, he missed their little drinking sessions but not the hangovers after.

"Haha, not when Trent hasn't cleared you to drink," Jason said turning to look at Clay, giving him the fatherly stare that he found himself giving him a lot lately. The kid was not his but at the same time, he was. Clay belonged to him in the sense that he was under his command. But this was different, Clay was family.

"But if the doctor does..." Clay said a little confused about why he would have to get cleared by Trent before he could drink, Trent was a medic, not a doctor. But at the same time, he knew more about them than anyone. Better than any doctor.

"No, you wait till Trent says so. He knows you better than they do and unlike them, you can't trick Trent into believing that you're fine when you're not." Jason said shaking his head as he spoke. Trent could read Clay like an open book, one that had been locked up tight before they came to him. Trent also could read him to make sure that the pain that he often hid wasn't consuming him.

"But what if I am?" He asked he found it a little odd that everyone on the team counted on Trent to tell them if he was ok or not.

"Then Trent will clear you," Jason said shrugging his shoulders as he turned a corner in the road again.

"That's totally unfair." Clay moaned hitting his head off the glass and huffed.

"Get over it kid, that's what's happening," Jason said with a small grin. The kid was such a child at times and more so when things didn't go his way.

"Would you do this for any of the others?" He asked; he had always felt like the youngest child in this family and he was getting sick of it. He might be the youngest but at the same time, he had more experience in leading men than a lot of the others. But still, he was treated as the child. A lot of time he was more of an adult than Sonny and yet he was the one that was not trusted alone.

"Yes, but they know better than to argue with me." Jason shrugged his shoulders and grinned softly as he said it. Clay was always the slowest when it came to his rules and more so when it came about his own personal safety and wellbeing.

"Ok, fine. But seriously Jason where are we going? Because this road only leads to the shooting range." Clay said pointing at the road that clearly only lead to the shooting range and he remembered that Trent had banned him from going there until his shoulder was signed off.

"I know," Jason said with a little grin and looked at Clay like he was getting excited about what was about to happen. His plan made sure that the range was empty so Clay could spend as much time as he wanted up there and allowed him to work off all the anger that he had inside of him. He remembered what it was like not to have an output for his anger and it nearly drove him crazy.

"So why are we here?" Clay said as they pulled up right outside the shooting range gate and stopped.

"Because I know that maybe speaking to me or any of the other wouldn't help you deal with whatever is going on in your head," Jason said to say as he turned the car off. He needed to be honest with Clay, he wasn't about to let the kid down again. "Whether than be from what happened in Turkey or your time in Afganistan but maybe...maybe he might." Jason finished pointing at a figure who was stood at the gate of the range.

Clay turned and followed to where Jason was pointing. He froze before spinning round to look back at his boss. He was not expecting to see that man again, not after the hospital. Once he saw the man as a brother, one of his closest friends and yet as soon as he had left for Green Team he cut Foggy out of his life. He hadn't even seen the man until he had entered his hospital room. And he knew why, the blame was on him. Not Foggy. He had blamed himself for Richard's death, even when it wasn't He knew that it was practical or healthy to think that but he couldn't help it. He had been Richard's number two, it had been his job to keep him safe and he had failed.

With a sigh, he asked something he already knew. "Did you call him?" He had expected Foggy to go home and be with his family, not stick around here to see him. Also, he knew that the only way that he could be on base was Jason getting him clearance to do so.

"He asked us to keep him up to date on how you were doing," Jason explained but with the look Clay gave him, he knew that he needed to explain a little more. "Well Ray did...he doesn't blame you, you know. About what happened to Richard or you not calling him."

"I know," Clay muttered, shrugging his shoulders again and started to rub his hands over each other looking down at them as he did so.

"Then get out, go shoot something, work off all that anger before Trent works out where we are and kills us both," Jason said leaning over Clay and opening the door for him. He also quickly undid Clay's seat belt before placing his hands back on the wheel. He felt like a parent kicking his kid out of the car at their school.

"Maybe this isn't a good idea?" Clay said making no attempt to get out of the truck. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. Maybe he was going to mess everything up again? Fail Foggy and Jason. He couldn't do that, he wasn't ready.

"Clay what happened to your old co was unfair but his death wasn't on you..." Jason said gripping hold of Clay's shoulder with one hand and the other forcing Clay to look at him. "Just like the deaths of Richie and the other agents weren't on you either. Shit hits the fan all the time but all we can do about it is deal with it and after when we are safe and home remember those who didn't make it and honour them." Jason said. He saw the tears form slightly in the kid's eyes and knew that he had struck a nerve. The kid had to stop blaming himself for things that he had no control over but more importantly, he had to stop trying to be the best and start being himself.

"Thanks, boss," Clay said softly, trying to keep his emotions in check.

"Now get out of the damn truck and go show Foggins why you are DEVGRU and not a normal Seal," Jason said laughing and pushed Clay out of his truck.

"Copy that," Clay said laughing as he closed the passenger door behind him and without a second thought Jason pulled away, fast. He wasn't about to let the kid back out now. He needed to get his head on straight. Understand that they all had faults, had histories that they weren't proud of, made mistakes. But that didn't matter because they were a family and that meant knowing that someone would have their backs no matter what.