The World Needs More Grimm
Chapter 31
Coming Clean
It is approximately 10pm on Sunday April 19th 2020.
Josh is in his room at HW NYC. He's lying on his bed staring at the ceiling with a blank look on his face. He's still pondering the significance of the stick and it's healing power, as well as everything he knows about Trubel—including things recently revealed about her parents by Oscar Torres. He also wonders why she was crying in the breakroom 3 nights ago.
While these thoughts continue rushing through his mind, to his great surprise, his door opens, and in walks Trubel, without knocking, split-second fast. Closing the door, she motions for him to be quiet and to stay in bed. She quickly walks over and gets into bed with him.
She lays at the foot of his bed, facing him, with her feet near his shoulders, and their legs in the middle. There is barely enough room in the HW bed for both of them to lay down comfortably.
Trubel looks at him intently. "Josh, I'm ready to talk about everything that's been bothering me lately. I'm also done allowing bad timing to interfere between us. This means I want both of us to come clean, about everything, so we need to spend tonight in your bed to really talk." She says almost whispering.
Intuitively, Josh knows this is it. This is what he's been waiting for. "Alright Trubel." He says softly. He grabs an extra pillow and a blanket from the shelf located next to his bed, then hands the items to her. "You'll want this." He informs her.
Trubel accepts the items gratefully. "Thanks." She responds.
Trubel covers herself with the blanket, then lays down with the pillow under her head. Josh shifts a bit as they both find a comfortable position and settle in, still looking at each other.
Trubel begins. She sighs deeply. "Josh, I'm really sorry." Is all she can say.
She feels like she's put him through a lot.
Josh suddenly remembers March 24th 2017-and the qualities that Kelly Kessler Burkhardt, when referring to Trubel, told him about—patience, compassion and understanding. "Sorry for what Trubel?" He asks softly.
Trubel looks at him. "Everything. I can't stop thinking about the time I spent in Philadelphia. Ever since we sat in Aunt Marie's SUV and talked. I know that was a few nights ago, but it's still on my mind." She says.
Josh nods. "Yeah, me too." He responds softly.
Trubel attempts to hold back a smile. "I remembered what happened on New Year's Eve." She can't help it. She smiles widely. "You were so embarrassed." She says, reminiscing.
Josh pretends it wasn't a big deal. "What? I was just embarrassed because my cousin Angie was showing you my baby pictures." He reveals.
Trubel looks at him curiously. "I thought it was because she set us up to kiss under the mistletoe?" She asks, confused.
Josh laughs nervously. "So what if it was!" He realizes he should keep some humor in their conversation. "That doesn't count as a real kiss you know." He smiles, copying her kiss for good luck statement.
Trubel smiles, stifling a laugh. "Ok Josh. I only brought it up because New Year's Eve was the very first time I thought-you know-you might have feelings for me." She reveals.
Josh is surprised. He ponders quickly. "Well, if I did they were subliminal at that time. I mean, I wasn't consciously aware of them." He explains.
Trubel lets out a frustrated sigh. "You see, this is what I'm talking about. Our timing on things-is so OFF." She explains.
Josh ponders a moment. "Alright, I just thought of something. Do you remember-it was the first week of May when we were cleaning Dad's house, getting it ready to sell? I was upstairs using the steam carpet cleaner for the master bedroom and you came home with the paint for the living room?" He asks.
Trubel nods. "Yes, I remember. The weather was warming up." She adds.
Josh smiles widely. "Well, I'm admitting right now I set that up. I was purposely playing my all-time favorite love ballad, and you supposedly walked in on me singing." He reveals.
Trubel is surprised. "Really? You told me you were listening to Childhood Oldies. I remember thinking you were being silly-goofy." She smiles.
Josh looks at her intently. "Trubel, I came so close to kissing you then." He reveals with a slight smile.
Trubel is genuinely surprised. "REALLY? Why didn't you?" She asks.
Suddenly, Josh hesitates. "I'm-I'm so embarrassed to say." He hangs his head.
Trubel looks at him with persuasive eyes. "Hey, it's ok. I thought we were coming clean? You can tell me anything." She reminds him.
Josh lets out a deep sigh. "It was probably 30 seconds before I came closer to you while I was singing, and I-I smelled myself. And it wasn't good." He reveals.
Trubel quickly ponders what Josh just said. "So-let me make sure I understand. You let the moment you had planned for, pass us by because of B.O.?" She asks pointedly.
Josh nods. "Yes. And I also had bad breath." He reveals.
Trubel is surprised. "I can't believe it." Is all she can say.
Josh reveals he's disappointed in himself. "Yeah, I know. Pretty dumb reason now looking back on it." He adds.
Trubel looks at him. "Well-it might have mattered to me. The B.O. and bad breath I mean. I can't know for sure." She tells him.
Josh nods. "I'm sorry. Another missed opportunity. I guess you might have something about the timing issue." He says, agreeing with her.
Trubel is ready to move on. "Ok, now my turn." She says casually.
Instantly Josh is nervous, thinking she'll ask him deep, personal questions. "What?!" He responds.
Trubel looks at him curiously. "It's only fair we take turns. Sharing. Coming clean." She explains, matter-of-factly.
Josh is relieved. "Ah. Sure." He says.
Trubel ponders, reminiscing. "Josh-you know I never did get a chance to really thank you for making my birthday in 2015 special." She reveals.
Josh nods. "You're welcome. But you forget that you did thank me then." He adds.
Trubel looks at him curiously. "I did? I really don't remember. I was a little overwhelmed with breakfast in bed that morning and going out that night. I think it was the best day that I ever spent in Philadelphia. And it all started when you made the plans for that day-You know, making reservations and taking off work." She tells him.
Josh hadn't thought about it. "I never knew that. I mean, I knew you had fun, but I guess it was more special to you than I thought." He responds.
Trubel slightly smiles. "That night-it was the only time I thought you might kiss me. Just saying-I was mentally ready for it." She reveals.
Now it's his turn to be genuinely surprised. "Really? I was so worried that if I did kiss you, you might feel I was taking advantage of your birthday and I had awful thoughts of you slapping me. I guess I was so afraid that might happen, I decided it best I didn't kiss you. That's probably why I did the setup with the music and the carpet cleaning a few days later. Because your birthday was over, it would now be ok with you." He explains.
Trubel lets out a deep sigh. "Josh, I never would have done that. Slap you just because you kissed me." She reveals.
Josh looks at her intently. "What would you have done? Really?" He asks.
Trubel ponders. "I guess—" She hesitates. "I guess I would've let it happen, but knowing how I was then, I wouldn't have talked about it much afterwards." She reveals.
Josh is puzzled. "Ok-aay. I'm not understanding what you mean by knowing how I was then?" He asks her, pointedly.
Trubel sighs. Then ponders. "One moment, I'm collecting my thoughts." She requests.
Josh nods. "Take your time." He says patiently.
Trubel comes out of her long pause. "You do know that not long before I met you and your dad I met Nick, right?" She asks him.
Josh shakes his head. "No, not really. Go on." He reveals.
Trubel looks at him. "I ran from one place to another after my foster parents were murdered, in and out of mental institutions, seeing Wesen all the time and not having any knowledge of what being a Grimm meant. Until I met Nick." She reveals.
Josh nods. "I follow you." He says, encouraging her to continue.
Trubel already thought this over before she even entered his room. "Reading the books, viewing the trailer with all the Grimm Heritage, helping Nick on cases when he had lost his Grimm powers, that-that did something to me. It was like being blind all my life and finally seeing." She pauses a moment. "I personally discovered it's true—the saying knowledge is power. For the first time in my life, I felt empowered." She explains.
Josh looks at her with soft eyes. "I totally get that." He says.
Trubel looks at him intently. "You know, Nick, your dad, you, Hank and Monroe-all of you were finally the first men in my life to-ever treat me with respect." She says, her voice cracking with emotion.
Josh picked up on the emotion immediately. "I'm glad you felt that way." He tells her softly.
She continues on. "Unfortunately I think all of this—" She hesitates. "All of this made me retreat into myself—I was finding myself in Philadelphia. I was so preoccupied with being a Grimm that I couldn't see anything else, especially the hints you were dropping-making a big deal about my birthday for example, which I only see now looking back. I guess I was being selfish. I'm sorry." She apologizes, her voice back to normal.
Josh looks at her with soft eyes. "You don't have to apologize for anything Trubel." He informs her.
Trubel shakes her head. "But I do. The most important reason I'm bringing this up is-my new identity as a Grimm helped me hide from my old identity as a scared runaway." Her eyes water up as soon as she stops speaking.
Josh nods gently. "We all try to hide from our past sometimes. It's ok Trubel, please go on. Remember what you told me? We are sharing-coming clean. You can tell me anything." He reminds her, speaking softly.
Trubel looks at him again. "I know." Her voice cracks. "Since this coming clean talk is my idea, I have to just come right out and say it. Josh, I was raped when I was 13, before I became a Grimm." She reveals, as tears fall down her cheek.
Josh responds compassionately. "Trubel, I'm so sorry." He says, almost whispering.
Trubel resists the urge to get up and run. His calm, patient demeanor keeps her there. "That's sweet Josh, thanks." She begins crying. "That's not all. There's more." She barely gets the words out.
Josh feels for her. "I didn't want to make you cry Trubel. I'm sorry. Honey, please don't cry." He begs her, worried that he might start crying too.
Trubel nods. Her throat is tight. "I know. This is so much harder than I thought it would be." She lets out a nervous laugh, while still crying.
Josh nods. "Sorry. Please take your time." He whispers. "Here." He grabs a box of tissues from the shelf nearby and hands them to her.
Trubel is touched by his loving gesture. "Thanks." She accepts the tissues and wipes her eyes.
Trubel allows a long pause to linger over them before she feels calm enough to continue.
She finally looks at Josh again. "As you now know, the life of a Grimm is not easy and far from normal." Trubel realizes it's best if she state facts.
Josh nods. "Yes." He whispers.
Trubel continues looking at him. "No time for romance." She says.
Josh looks at her softly. "I'm following you." He replies.
Trubel noticeably lowers her voice. "Josh, if I hadn't been raped at 13, I would be telling you right now that I'm still a virgin." She reveals, holding back tears again.
His eyes go wide. "What? No way." Josh responds softly, genuinely surprised.
Trubel looks at him with watery eyes. "Josh I'm so sorry." She says softly. "I feel bad because I don't want to put this kind of pressure on you. I realize now I should have told you when I was in Philadelphia. It's just—we were getting close then, but not quite THAT close if you know what I mean." She explains.
Josh nods. "I understand that Trubel, it's ok. I don't feel that you should have told me then." He says to her softly.
Trubel is surprised he said that. "Really?" She asks.
Josh sighs. "Yes. I know now that I wasn't fully aware of my feelings for you." He slightly smiles. "Honestly, I think I only realized I loved you after you were gone." He reveals.
Her eyes light up. "Now I understand. I guess that explains why you didn't say anything when I was leaving." Trubel tells him.
"Yes." Josh nods. He ponders a moment. "Trubel—because it's such a sensitive subject I would agree right now never to talk about it again if you could tell me specifically what happened. I know it's bringing up bad memories, but I only want to understand better." He says, speaking softly.
Trubel feels her throat tighten. "What do you want to know?" She asks, whispering.
Josh noticeably lowers his voice. "When you say rape, do you mean—"
Trubel cuts him off. "Rape means that everything happened." She states matter-of-factly. Suddenly, her voice cracks. "3 weeks later, I remember being so relieved that he didn't get me pregnant." She whispers.
The full significance of what Trubel just told him finally hits him, and Josh begins to choke up. He looks at her softly. "That's terrible. Honey I'm so very sorry." He whispers.
Trubel nods. "That's what I meant by saying knowing how I was then." She pauses then looks at him. "Josh, I never would have slept with you in 2015. I would have been way too uncomfortable to let anything get too hot between us because of this great secret I was carrying. I would have pulled away from you and become a Frost Queen. Probably hurt your feelings in the process." She explains.
Josh ponders a moment. "I understand. Wow, that is really a terrible place for you to be. Stuck in limbo is probably what it feels like." He says.
Trubel nods, realizing he gets it. "Yes, it does." She pauses and slightly smiles. "And here we are, 5 years later." She attempts to copy his words from 3 nights ago, inside Aunt Marie's SUV.
Josh lets out a nervous laugh at her comment. He then looks at her tenderly. "Trubel, please don't feel bad. This doesn't put any pressure on me. Actually, it takes it off." He reveals.
Trubel is surprised. "How can you say that? I guess I don't understand." She asks.
Josh sighs. "I'm collecting my thoughts now." He explains.
Trubel nods. "Take your time." She copies his words from earlier.
Josh smiles. Finally he speaks. "This is going to be hard to explain because it's sort-of a guy thing. But I'll do my best." He informs her.
Her tough side comes out. "Try me." She challenges him.
Josh ponders, then looks at her. "Alright. Well, I can't say that I'm still a virgin. But you probably already knew that about me." He reveals.
Trubel reverts back to facts. "Most men are not by the time they turn 17. Statistics." She states.
Josh nods. "True." He collects his thoughts. "The reason I don't feel pressure is because there are no ex-boyfriends in your past. Most of the pressure that couples feel is from past experiences. And of course, especially guys want the current relationship to be better than all the rest and he is hoping she feels that way." He explains.
Trubel ponders a moment. "Interesting." Is all she can say.
Josh looks at her, slightly anxious. "Trubel I-I know I promised not to talk about it again, but I really feel I need to tell you something important before we continue." He almost pleads.
Trubel nods. "Ok. Go ahead." She gives him permission.
Josh looks at her with soft eyes. "You have probably heard this from others, but I want to say it to you anyway: Being raped at 13 was not your fault." He tells her whispering.
Trubel again is touched with his compassion. "I know Josh. It took me awhile, but with the help of therapy, I did get to a place where I can finally move forward with my life, while recognizing it for what it was. It's something that happened, but it doesn't define who I am." She explains.
Josh immediately understands her reference. His eyes light up. "Yes, I agree that is so true! Trubel, I've also wanted to tell you that from the moment I met you-you were always this larger-than-life, super-heroine, machete-wielding Grimm that was a tough act to follow." He tells her respectfully.
Trubel can't help it. She laughs. "Glad you thought so." She replies, flattered.
Josh smiles. "STILL think so. Still know so." He adds.
Trubel smiles slightly. "Thank you Josh." She responds, genuinely appreciative.
Josh smiles again. "You're welcome." He looks at her curiously. "Hey, I got something from my history out of the ordinary to share." He reveals.
Trubel nods. "Your turn to share anyway." She says.
Josh continues. "Ok. When I was teenager about 16 I used to sneak out of the house at night to go—" He can't help it. He lets out a nervous laugh. "-Yes, have sex with my high school girlfriend. Except, my Dad would catch me. EVERY SINGLE TIME." He reveals.
Trubel is puzzled. "Really? Catch you-how?" She asks.
Josh nods. "Catch me every time I was leaving the house." He says factually.
This part of his story confuses her a bit. "I don't understand?" Is all Trubel can say.
Josh nods. "I still don't understand myself. How did he know I would pick a certain time to leave at night? I would never leave at the same time. I'm sure I'll never know. But get this-he would always give me condoms and make me swear to use them, or else he'd hurt me if I got a girl pregnant." He says.
Trubel is surprised. "Really? Did you use them?" She asks.
Josh laughs nervously. "Absolutely. He made me so scared, I always used them." He reveals.
Trubel deeply ponders what Josh just revealed about his dad. It would take another Grimm to understand why Rolek Porter did that she thinks to herself. She looks at him. "You know-your dad was really protecting you Josh. If your girlfriend did get pregnant, she could have taken that child away from you and your dad. The child would grow up, and without anyone's knowledge become a Grimm, start seeing Wesen and be told he or she is crazy, like what happened to me." She explains, speaking slowly.
Josh nods. "Yes. I only figured that out recently." He reveals.
Trubel looks at him, slightly smiling. "See, your life hasn't been as normal as you thought." She says.
Josh agrees. "Guess not." He says.
Trubel sighs—a gentle, tired sigh. Not a frustrated sigh. "Ok, my turn again." She informs him.
Josh looks at her softly. He wants to spare her feelings, especially if it involves a painful memory. "Trubel, you don't have to share again if you don't want to. I mean-you've shared so much already." He nods. "I know this must be hard for you." He acknowledges, whispering.
Trubel smiles slightly. "No, this one is for you Josh. I feel I owe it to you. It may not seem like it, but I will tell you that it's actually a good, positive share." She reveals.
Josh nods. "Alright." He responds.
Trubel ponders a moment, reminiscing. "Remember right before Christmas 2014 you returned to Portland because the Hundjägers were at your dads' house trashing it?" She asks him.
Josh now flinches at his own painful memory. "I'd like to forget that actually. To this day I'm amazed I got away from them alive." He reveals.
Trubel completely forgot about that. "Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry." She says, somewhat embarrassed.
Josh smiles at her. "I wouldn't be here today if I hadn't gotten away from them." He says pointedly.
Trubel nods. "You're right. Well, I feel I owe you an apology Josh." She reveals.
Josh is puzzled. "For what?" He asks.
Trubel looks at him directly in the eyes. "I wasn't very nice to you then." She reveals.
Josh doesn't follow her this time. "I don't understand?" He says.
Trubel FLASHBACKS to December 19th, 2014. It's first thing in the morning and as Trubel is leaving the house, she glances at Josh sleeping on Nick's couch and rolls her eyes. She then flashbacks to Bud, her and Josh sitting in the truck, outside of Shaw's house, later that same day. She hits Josh in the back of the head when he mouths Big Johnson, referring to the Schakal Josh hit over the head with a rock.
The Flashback ends.
Trubel sighs, embarrassed at what she is about to tell him. "There was a time when I thought you were cute. When we went with Bud spying on the group of Wesen threatening Monroe and Rosalee. When you hit Big Johnson over the head with a rock. That was the time." She reveals.
Josh is momentarily speechless. "What? REALLY?" He asks in disbelief.
Trubel looks at him with a slight smile. "Being mean to you was my way to keep you from getting close to me. Because I was so afraid you'd know." She says.
Josh doesn't know how to respond. He looks at her intently but doesn't say anything.
Trubel feels the humor coming back. She playfully kicks him under the blanket. "Don't look at me like that! It's not what you think. I wasn't falling in love with you or anything." She says, slightly smiling.
Josh stares at her for a moment. "Man, I really wish I could remember that. What you are describing sounds like what little boys do when they have a crush on a girl. Be mean to her, harass her, all because a boy likes her." He says.
Trubel nods, still embarrassed. "I guess I didn't think about it that way. Sounds right." She agrees.
Josh looks at her softly. "I never noticed that you were mean to me Trubel. The stress I was going through then prevented me from seeing it." He explains.
Trubel nods. "Well, I still feel I owe you an apology. Even if you don't remember." She says.
Josh quickly speaks up. "Apology accepted." He smiles at her. "So, you thought I was cute? Is that why you would have let me kiss you on your birthday?" He asks pointedly.
Trubel smiles, embarrassed. "Yes Josh." She finally admits.
Josh looks at her, smiling widely. "You are just full of surprises, aren't you?" He asks, falling in love with her more and more each minute.
Trubel has a good comeback. "So are you. Don't think anything I say will come close to your big reveal after the plane crash." She says, smiling.
Josh smiles, but doesn't respond to her comeback. "Ok, my turn." He pauses a moment. "I was asking myself 5 minutes ago why do I need to share this? And I don't really have a definite answer but it's important to me that you know this." He informs her.
Trubel nods. "Alright Josh." She encourages him to proceed.
Josh begins. "After you left Philadelphia, I was a little depressed. I started drinking to ease the pain. And ease the loneliness. 2016 came and I got MORE depressed. So, I drank more. At the end of 2016, right around New Year's I drank so much I started having blackouts. I'd wake up in places that I don't remember how I got there. I was going downhill, fast." He reveals somberly.
Trubel looks at him softly. "Josh I had no idea. You never drank much when I was there with you." She reminds him.
Josh nods. "You're right. I didn't. I was reacting in a very negative way to losing you. You know, I could hate myself for doing that. But I use it as the greatest learning experience of my life. It's a place where I've been, and a place I never want go to again. I haven't touched a drink of alcohol since 3/23/2017. You know, the truth is becoming a Grimm, when I did, actually saved my life." His voice cracks. "Before I became a Grimm, I was so lonely, so depressed about my life and that you weren't in it, if hadn't become a Grimm, I really think by May 2017 I would have been dead. Either from alcohol poisoning or I—" His voice cracks more. "I might have—ended my life." He reveals.
Trubel is shocked. This is something she didn't expect to hear. She looks at him softly. "Josh, I'm really sorry. For you having to go through that. I feel it's my fault." She explains.
Josh firmly shakes his head. "NO. You are not taking responsibility for that. That was COMPLETELY my doing. I CHOSE to react to you leaving Philadelphia in a negative way. I very well could have chosen to do it in a positive way. You do know that, right?" He asks.
Trubel is still pondering. "I guess so." She responds.
Josh looks at her. "We all make bad choices in life sometimes. That was my worst." He explains.
Trubel slightly smiles. "I'm very proud of you Josh. It's really important you know that. You've turned your life around 360 degrees. And not only that, you are an awesome Grimm." She says to him, tenderly.
Josh is flattered she said that. "You really think so?" He asks.
Trubel nods. "Yes." She says.
Josh smiles. "Thanks for the ego boost. I needed that." He tells her.
Trubel laughs. "You're welcome. My turn to share again." She tells him.
Josh is slightly apprehensive. "Are you sure?" He asks.
Trubel sighs. "Yes Josh. This will be my last one." She informs him.
Josh nods. "Ok." He responds.
Trubel seems lost for a moment. "Where do I start? I guess I should first ask if you have ever reviewed any archival footage here at HW? Specifically, late 2015 through the spring of 2016-the Black Claw Wesen uprising and their co-founder, Conrad Bonaparte?" She watches his response.
Josh ponders, remembering. "A little bit, yes. He was killed in Portland, wasn't he?" He asks.
Trubel nods. "Yes." She says, firmly.
Josh looks at her. "Were you there? Was it you that killed him?" He asks.
Trubel shakes her head. "No. That's a long story, in a different direction from where I was going anyway." She reveals.
Josh takes the cue. "Ok, I'm listening." He tells her.
Trubel continues on. "In late 2015, Chavez recruited me. About a week later, she was murdered. Martin Meisner took over as leader of HW Portland in her place." She explains.
Josh nods. "I'm following you." He encourages her to continue.
Her eyes begin watering up. "In the spring of 2016, as the war with Black Claw was escalating, I realized I had developed feelings for Meisner." She reveals.
Josh looks at her softly. "I see." He responds.
Trubel looks at him intently. "This was after I was healed by receiving therapy for the very first time." She explains, speaking slowly.
Josh nods. "I understand. Continue." He looks at her, anxiously wanting to know the rest of the story.
Trubel continues. "I started feeling a rush of emotions then. The most powerful feeling I had was when I realized that it would be ok to have a sexual relationship with someone that I was attracted to. I never felt like that before. This—was a very different feeling from 2014 when I thought you were cute, if you know what I mean." She reveals.
Josh had been holding his breath. "Yes. Sounds incredibly liberating to me. So, what happened?" He says while exhaling.
Trubel looks at him again. "One night, while Eve & I were away from HW Portland compound rescuing Hank, we realized it was all a setup so Bonaparte could target and eliminate Portland by killing everyone inside—" Her voice cracks. "-including Meisner. He was murdered with all the others. I never got a chance to tell him how I felt. This happened almost 4 years ago." She reveals as she begins to cry again.
Josh lets out a deep sigh. "I'm so sorry Trubel. Really, I am. So much pain and heartache you've been through. It's just not fair. All of this-loss to happen to such an awesome person." He says with great tenderness in his voice.
Trubel grabs another tissue and wipes her eyes. "I appreciate that Josh. However, you are probably wondering why I would share this story with you." She says, sniffling.
Josh looks at her curiously. "I could guess, but it's better if you tell me." He adds.
Trubel looks at him. "If I hadn't gone through what I did with my feelings for Meisner—specifically, being healed, experiencing new feelings and then losing him the way that I did—honestly, I probably wouldn't have been as sensitive as I was to your feelings after the plane crash." She reveals.
Josh smiles. "Trubel, you are so amazing. I appreciate your sensitivity to my feelings. Thank you." He says with gratitude.
Trubel nods. "You're welcome. Josh, there is one thing that I still don't quite understand. How in the world could you hang on to the hope for almost 5 years, that we would be reunited? I'm sure you know that it might have never happened." She asks him, pointedly.
Josh nods, ponders quickly, then looks at her. "Good question. You know Trubel, I always felt, deep down inside that we'd be reunited. Especially on 3/24/2017. I could tell you about that, but it would take all night. Let's save that story for another time. Honestly, that's not what bothered me most." He pauses a moment. "This is one thing about me that I don't think I've told you yet: All these years we've been out of touch have been difficult for me because I missed you so much. I was worried yet ready to accept that once I finally saw you again, you could very well be married and have a ton of kids and then-I would have to let you go, forever." He explains.
Trubel gets the deep concept he just laid out for her. "Seriously Josh?" She asks.
Josh nods. "Absolutely. If you could have told me you were happy with-we'll just say you were with Meisner-I would be sad for myself but extremely happy for you because your happiness is all that matters to me. Even if it means I can't be part of your life." He reveals.
The significance of what he said hits her. Trubel looks right at him. "That is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me." She says, her voice cracking.
Josh slightly smiles. "I really mean it." He looks at her tenderly. "Trubel, you—" He briefly hesitates. "To me, you are the one that got away." He says speaking slowly. "You're the woman of my dreams. I love you. I've always loved you, since the spring of 2015." He tells her softly.
Trubel sniffles. "I know Josh." Her eyes water up. "You're going to make me cry if you keep saying things like that." She responds.
Josh looks at her tenderly again. "But at least it's a good cry, not a sad one." He adds.
Trubel wipes away tears with another tissue. "Yeah. Wow. You know Josh, my respect for you grew because of what you just told me." She reveals.
Josh smiles. "Really? What part?" He asks.
Trubel looks at him. "The part about being happy for me even if you couldn't be in my life." She says.
Josh nods. "I'm so glad. Well, I wouldn't say it if it wasn't true." He replies.
Trubel lets out a deep sigh. "You know, you-you have more courage than I do." She tells him.
Josh is puzzled. "What do you mean?" He asks.
Trubel looks at him. "You were brave and bold enough to finally tell me to my face how you feel about me. Yet I was too scared to tell Meisner how I felt." She says, lowering her voice.
Josh sees past her fear. "Aw-Trubel, you just ran out of time. That's all. You would've told him, I know it." He replies confidently.
Trubel looks up. "It's good I will never know for sure." She responds softly.
Josh is puzzled. "Why do you say that?" He asks.
Trubel remembers her conversation with Nick last month. "For closure. It's very important in moving on with life." She informs him.
Josh ponders. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He responds.
Trubel sighs. "Josh—I hope now you understand why I've been so—-so distant since I returned from Portland." She explains.
Josh nods. "Yes, I do." He says.
Trubel looks at him with soft eyes. "And also why I was crying in the breakroom on Thursday night when we sat in the SUV. It-it has nothing to do with you. I was grieving over Meisner that night." She reveals.
Josh nods. "I see. I totally understand. And I'm sorry." He replies softly.
Trubel smiles slightly. "Thanks." Is all she can say.
Josh looks at her tenderly. "I knew you'd tell me about it when you were ready." He adds.
Trubel feels she needs to elaborate. "It's just that, to have someone-my good friend revealing that he loves me—" She lets out a deep sigh. "This is just so new for me." She explains.
Josh nods. "Yeah, I get it." He responds.
Trubel finds herself leaning in closer. "But at the same time, I'm so—drawn to you." She lets out a deep sigh. "I can't deny it. I am falling for you Josh." She finally confesses.
Josh smiles softly. "Really?" He asks, somewhat surprised.
Trubel immediately lowers her voice. "Yes. And it scares me." She reveals.
His eyes light up. "Ah. It's what you said in the SUV that night. Loving you complicates things between us." He leans in closer. "I understand. You were talking about sex." He says whispering.
Trubel nods. "Yes. For most of my adult life, I shut down." She whispers.
Josh nods. "I see." Is all he can say.
Trubel looks up. "But in 2016 all that changed, you know?" She reveals.
Josh ponders what he was just told. "But you—you've been stuck there, until recently when you went back to Portland and realized the truth of what happened in 2016." He gets it. His eyes light up. "Oh honey-I totally understand now." He says almost whispering.
Trubel nods. She feels as if a dark cloud has been lifted. "Yes." Is all she can say in response.
Josh looks at her softly. "Trubel—And I'm saying this only as your friend-with everything you've told me so far tonight, it seems to me like all you need is time." He looks at her curiously. "Unless there's something else I missed?" He asks, just to be sure.
Trubel shakes her head. "No Josh, you didn't miss anything." She informs him. "I guess my greatest fear is losing you now. And because I lost Meisner, I can't lose you." She explains.
Josh looks at her tenderly. "You won't. I'll never stop loving you Trubel." He says, reassuringly.
Her eyes begin to water up. "Thanks." Is all she can say as the tears fall again.
Josh wants her to know he's on her side 100%. "Hey, look, whatever you need, I'm there for you. If you need counseling, and you want me to go with you-I'm there." He offers.
Trubel laughs through her tears. "Thanks Josh. I think intensive therapy took care of that already." She reveals.
His eyes light up. "Yes, I guess it did." Is all he can say.
Trubel grabs tissues and uses them to wipe her eyes. They both allow a long pause to linger over their conversation.
Trubel is the first to speak again, in a normal tone of voice. "Josh—what if we find Stan Lewis tomorrow? My time here will be over, and we'll be apart again." She verbalizes her current fear.
Josh ponders. "I've thought about that too. Well, I can tell you one thing, after this is all over I am taking leave and I will follow where you are." He smiles. "Because I won't let you walk out of my life again." He reassures her.
Trubel looks up at him with pride. "Spoken like a true Grimm." She replies.
Josh nods. "You know it." He tells her confidently.
Suddenly Josh sighs deeply and sits up more on his bed. The many tears shed tonight have overwhelmed him. Now, more than anything, he just wants Trubel to feel better.
Josh moves over to his left and holds out his right hand to Trubel. "Honey please come here. I feel so bad when you cry. Would you let me hold you?" He asks persuasively.
Trubel nervously sighs. "Ok." She surrenders.
Trubel eases into Josh's arms. They remain quiet for about 2 minutes, in a semi-reclining position, but not laying down completely.
Josh gently and slowly moves his hands around her arms and shoulders. "It feels so good to hold you." He whispers.
Trubel responds immediately. "You want to kiss me too, don't you?" She asks, whispering.
Josh sighs. "Of course." He reveals, whispering.
Trubel responds more. "Why don't you Josh?" She asks, still whispering.
Josh is somewhat surprised she asked that. He knows he needs to be completely honest. "I'm afraid I won't be able to stop. I—I don't want to ruin everything between us by rushing things." He tells her, whispering more.
Trubel responds with confidence in him. "You won't." She whispers.
Josh says nothing in response, but he does look at her straight in the eye, reading her non-verbally.
Suddenly, Trubel yawns. "It's getting late Josh. I'm tired. I think I'll head back to my room." She gets up slowly. "Time to call it a night." She explains.
Josh takes the cue, and gets up also. "Alright Trubel. Breakfast in the morning?" He asks.
Trubel nods. "Yes. Meet you here at 7." She says.
Josh slightly smiles. "Ok. Trubel, thank you for—everything." He says softly.
Trubel looks at him. "No Josh, THANK YOU." She responds.
Intuitively, Josh approaches her, pulls her close to him and touches her face for their first kiss.
It is very intense for Josh. He kisses Trubel very tenderly. He holds back a little, afraid that if he started kissing her passionately, it might turn her off.
Trubel kisses back as best she can, but-it's still her first kiss—EVER.
Josh pulls back and looks at her. "I'm sorry that took 5 years." He whispers.
Trubel smiles softly. "I forgive you." She replies, whispering.
He feels his heart just leaped for joy. "I love you Trubel." He whispers as he reaches out and touches her face.
Trubel smiles slightly. "I know. Night Josh." She whispers as she turns and heads for the door.
Josh nods. "Night Beautiful." He whispers as she leaves.
Keeping her end of the unspoken deal that she made with Josh, Trubel leaves immediately for her room and gets into bed.
END OF CHAPTER 31
