Chapter 41.
Sarah propelled Sam into the kitchen and said "A more patient person, or one with decades to live rather than years, would wait for you to be ready to come clean about what you're hiding."
"I'm not hiding anything." said Sam.
"Don't make me use the Mom glare." she said.
"I honestly have nothing to hide." he said, knowing she didn't believe it for a moment.
She didn't use the glare. Instead, she took his arm and said, "The main reason why I can't be patient is that this is hurting you more than any of us. You're tormented by the secret and you need to tell me."
"Okay, look, there's something, but I have good reasons for not telling you and you know I wouldn't say that if I didn't. When I don't need to keep the secret, I'll explain everything, but for now, I just can't."
"How much difference would it make if I told you that I already know the secret? And don't worry, neither Dean nor Cas can hear a thing where they are."
"I'll bite. What do you think it is?" he said, confident that she would be wrong.
"The talismans don't work." she said.
"When did you work that out?" he said, "And how?"
"Well, I didn't know for sure until you just said that, but it seemed likely, given which people you can talk to about it and which you can't. And Dean has been having unusual visions that suggest he is connected to an angel who is a little overwhelmed by feelings he isn't used to. Not quite sure how the Byrds factor into it, but the fire is fairly obvious."
"It wasn't to me." said Sam, "I thought that was unconnected to their mental link."
"Castiel finally admits to himself that he might be in love and you can't work out why he's sending out visions of fire? You may have been single too long, Sam."
"Fire for us tends to be less symbolic and more diabolical." said Sam.
"It's an unusual mistake for you." she said.
"Misreading the fire or lying to Dean?" he said.
"Keeping me out of it."
"I hate lying to Dean, always have. Over the years, I've done it a lot. Sometimes I had to, sometimes it was a mistake, but I did it and it hurt every time."
"That's why it was so foolish. You didn't want me to have to lie to him, so you were going to avoid me as much as possible, right when you needed a friend most."
"Yes." he said, "I would have been asking you to lie to him and to Cas."
"Never try to protect me at the expense of your own wellbeing and above all, don't cut yourself off from your brother and me at the same time. If you can't confide in him, you need me more, not less."
"So now that you know, what will you do?" he asked.
"Did the talismans ever work?"
"They work as long as those two believe they do. They're fake." he said.
"If the truth comes out, Dean won't like that."
"No. I think we can safely say he won't."
"If I'm going to convince those two to try to gain conscious control of their mental link, I need them to feel safe in doing so."
"Dean still believes in the talismans?" said Sam.
"Yes. I think we should keep it that way. If he asks me directly, I may have to tell him, but there's no reason why he should and I'm not going to tell him if I don't have to. Dean didn't sleep last night. He feels a need to be in control. Now would not be a good time to make him feel powerless and deceived."
"How bad is he?" said Sam.
Sarah smiled at him. "He's very tired and I want him to sleep tonight, but other than that, he's doing very well. Old patterns keep coming back, but he's starting to recognise and change them. He's getting a lot more positive about the possibility of change. He's in a very strong position and we need to keep him there."
"He seems a little obsessed with Cas's love life."
"He still thinks he'll die soon. Dean was never likely to change overnight. He wants you both to have something more than him to rely on."
"All three of them are pretty set on being the one to get killed by Michael." said Sam.
"It's ridiculous, isn't it?" she said.
"Completely." he agreed.
"Whereas you have coolly and sensibly decided it should be you."
"We need Jack, the half-archangel nephilim. We need Cas, the seraph. We need Dean, our leader and the best hunter who ever lived. I'm good at research. Jules may be better."
"Dean gave me almost the same speech." she said.
"I'm not looking to die. I never had Dean's enthusiasm for self-sacrifice. I hope we all live."
"Good. I like that plan. That's the one we're going with."
"I'm sorry I made you feel I was excluding you. I know how hurtful that can be." he said.
"I'm a tough old gal, Sam. I don't hurt easily. Watching you hurt yourself was far worse for me. I care about you boys. Seeing you all eaten up with guilt and Dean falling apart trying to figure out what was wrong, that hurt me. So let's not do that anymore."
He looked over towards the creek. Dean and Cas had not yet returned. They were still there somewhere, hidden by the trees. "What are they talking about?"
"I don't know. Everything but what they should be talking about." she said, "Now, I'm helping you keep your secret, so you can help me tonight. I want them to look at their mental link in a more positive way and neither of them will like that idea."
"I've tried to make them see it differently. Mostly, they just yell and retreat."
"I didn't say it would be easy." she said.
