Chapter Thirty-Eight
Adam and Shiloh didn't have much to say to each other at dinner, though both listened and participated in Bart's telling of his trip from Sacramento to Virginia City on the stagecoach. The stagecoach had stopped almost every mile to clear the snowdrifts.
"That's why you were so tired," Shiloh said. "Odd though. They usually don't run when it's this bad."
Adam cut into a perfectly cooked steak, and before it made it to his mouth, he said, "They can afford to be down a few days, but this winter has been bad. They're trying to cut their losses."
After dinner, Shiloh went with Amalee to put Abel to bed for the night. She took Aaron and Anna into the master bedroom and closed the door behind her.
Anna took her last meal of the day as Aaron played on the nursery floor with his blocks, occasionally pulling himself up on Shiloh's robe and watching his little sister take her bottle.
It had become routine in the evening for Shiloh to have her two youngest with her since Aaron, being almost fifteen months old, still nursed before bedtime. The little boy would become sleepy and impatient, fussing at his mother at just about the time Anna was reaching her fill, so it worked out well for Shiloh that she could lay Anna in her crib, change her diaper and cover her, then move right onto Aaron's evening meal.
Adam didn't usually make it upstairs until after all the children were sound asleep. Tonight was different. He barely made a sound when he entered the bedroom. He stopped at the nursery watching Aaron fight sleep while he was nursing.
It was Shiloh who broke the silence, speaking in not quite a whisper, but rather just loud enough for Adam to hear her. "It's sad Anna can't take my milk. I feel as if we're both missing something quite wonderful."
"I wouldn't be too concerned. They won't remember this," said Adam softly.
She looked sadly up at him and whispered, "I will."
Aaron stirred at the deep timbre of his father's voice. He smiled, still with his eyes closed, then gave up the struggle against sleep, his mouth going slack and the last bit of milk trickling down his cheek.
Shiloh carefully wiped Aaron's cheek and chin, then lifted him to her shoulder at the same time she stood. Taking him to his crib, she changed his diaper. Oblivious to his mother's attentions, he rolled to his side as soon as Shiloh finished.
After covering him with his blanket, she moved the wet diapers into a wash basin, tied her robe around her, then stepped sideways through the nursery door, holding the basin at her side.
Adam creased his brow. Did she just avoid touching me? He sat on the chair he usually draped his clothes over when he undressed at night, waiting.
Shiloh rinsed the diapers in the bathtub and draped them over the side, then washed off at the basin and pulled her flannel nightgown over her head. Now, as she entered the bedroom, Adam's mouth crooked as his eyes narrowed. She stopped. His expression...concerned her. Still, she said nothing and turned toward her dressing table.
"Shiloh?"
"Yes?"
"It's early. Are you ill?"
She turned her head, but only half way, so she could only see him out of the corner of her eye. "No."
He rose and walked up behind her, taking her brush from her and brushing her hair. He bent and kissed the top of her head, drawing a smile from her, though it was reserved. Moving his hands to her shoulders, he bent further and placed small kisses on her neck, stopping with his lips still touching her skin when she tensed. "Mm hm." Stepping slightly away, he reached for her hand. "It's been three months since Anna's birth, and every time I try to get close, you find a way to avoid me." He leaned in close again and whispered, "I wanna know why."
"Shouldn't you go entertain Bart this evening...or talk to him about Hearst's house plans?"
"No. Bart was tired from the trip here. He turned in early so he could keep up tomorrow."
She giggled as she stood and walked to the chair Adam had vacated. "I guess he got soft sitting behind a drawing table."
"He's a hard worker. He'll be fine on the ranch." He smiled. "And you've done it again."
"Done what?" she asked, clasping her hands on her lap.
Sitting on the end of their bed, Adam placed his forearms on his thighs and clasped his hands between his knees. He looked around the room as he thought about his next words. "Would you please be honest with me? What's bothering you?"
Shiloh took a deep breath, folded her lips into a line and looked away.
Still, Adam waited. He knew eventually she'd speak.
Swallowing hard, Shiloh looked at anything but her husband. Her fingers started to fidget. "Adam..." She glanced up at him and found him gazing at her, wearing that closed-mouth smile that usually set her at ease. Unfortunately, it didn't this time and all because of what she was about to say. "I don't want to have another baby."
His back straightened and his smile was instantly gone, something that made her close her eyes and sigh.
"I've had three children in four years. Two in the last year."
He had worried she would say she was unhappy with him. Relaxing, he looked at her now as if he was listening intently.
"I need time to finish some things. I feel like if I don't do them now, I never will." She hadn't heard him approach. When she looked back up, she was startled that he was right in front of her, but she relaxed when he took her hand, gently pulling her to her feet, and leading her to sit on the bed with him.
"What do you need to finish?" he asked softly.
"Well, I need to spend more time with my horses. I need to get Charlie trained. I need to finish Hoss's training and get him comfortable with the business end, so I can leave for months at a time without affecting the business."
Bowing his head, Adam nodded. "You're talking about San Francisco."
"Yes and no. I can take horses to San Francisco. But I'm really talking about Boston...and New York. Washington. I'm talking about a six to eight-month trip...with you and the children." She looked up at him hopefully.
Adam let his head fall back and blew his latest breath out of his mouth before he looked at her. "We're not ready for that kind of trip."
"I know," she said quietly. "I'm not talking about now. I'm talking about when the railroad is finished. It will take me at least that long to prepare." She turned to him and said, "I want to take Redemption to Boston."
Adam knew he had to help her when he saw her eyes sparkle the way they had when she was performing in San Francisco for the first time.
"Sweetheart, I'm sure we can do this." Caressing her cheek with his hand, he almost whispered, "But where does this leave us?"
"Us?"
Leaning into her, he kissed her hungrily.
Shiloh moved away only slightly and gazed into his eyes. She gently kissed his lips, then said, "We could count days...bring back the calendar book."
Adam kissed her back, only this time he went from her lips to her chin and to her nose. "Counting isn't a guarantee." He moved his hands to either side of her face and kissed her solidly. "It would be safer if we counted and added protection."
Shiloh's head backed away from his. She met his eyes before she looked away.
"The only thing left has me sleeping at Pa's house. I don't want to do that, and I don't think you want that either."
"I don't think I can deal with...you...wrapped in animal flesh doing...what you do." Before she finished, a reddish-pink glow slowly moved up her neck to her cheeks.
A low rumble escaped Adam. "We've been married four years now, and you're still embarrassed to talk about it?"
She shoved her hands between her legs as she brought her legs tightly together and hunched her shoulders. Unable to look at him, she bowed her head and lightly giggled. "I often wonder what my mother would think of me, enjoying myself…with a man."
He chuckled as he rose from the bed to retrieve the box he kept in the drawer of his night table. As he lifted the box, he said, "Your mother and father made love, and in the process had two children". When he sat back down next to her, she tried to move away, but he caught her. "Oh no you don't," he said and moved her back to his side. Opening the box, he took out a silk bag and shook the contents into his hand.
She refused to look at it, mildly irritating him.
"Shiloh, this could well be the one thing that prevents you from catching. If you expect to avoid it, you need to get used to this."
She glanced at it, brought her knees to her chest and laid her head on them. "All right," she whispered. "But does this mean we don't have to count?"
"Uh...no," he replied as he looked over her head. "These things do tear sometimes." When she slumped, he said, "Spit it out."
"I feel like a strumpet just talking about it. And I can't imagine my father doing to my mother what you do to me."
He snorted. "Don't think about your parents. Think about someone else…like my father and Marie…or Inger…or my mother."
She closed her eyes and sighed loudly.
Moving his hand to his mouth to suppress his laugh, he said, "Shiloh, you're a highly educated woman. You know people have been having…and enjoying…sex…for thousands of years. It's not something you need to be ashamed of." He raised his brows and looked at her, drawing another loud sigh. "As children go, Sweetheart, who do you usually see with eight...nine...ten children in tow?" He waited, but got no response. "You see women who don't have much education...the women who struggle to feed themselves and their children. Now, when you think about the affluent, educated women you know from back east, do they have that many children?"
"No," she replied quietly.
He smiled. "That's because they know how to avoid it. And they are respectable women."
