Chapter 42.
At the creek, Dean dropped a stone into the water and said, "Now that you and Jules are ... something, I hope you'll value your life a little more. I don't want to explain to her how I got you killed."
"There'a that Winchester ego again." said Cas, "Not everything happens because of you. If I die fighting Michael, I got myself killed."
"Let's think about this logically."
"Fine by me." said Cas.
"I'm human, Cas. No matter how careful I am or how many superfoods I liquidise and force down, at some point, it's gonna be sayonara. You're immortal. There is no reason for you to give up eternity to save a life that's doomed to end anyway."
"Except for that being the entire purpose of my existence: to protect humans."
"Heaven doesn't care about humans."
"Well, I still do." said Cas.
"I'm just saying it might be time for you to stop being Heaven's bitch."
"Maybe it's time you stopped considering your own life expendable. Haven't we seen, more than once, that the world needs you and Sam?"
"As I said, we're mortal. Sooner or later, the world will have to survive without us."
"Then let's make it later." said Cas, "Is a life really worth less because it's short? Because I strongly suggest you don't say that to Sarah."
"I give up. We'll talk about this another time." said Dean.
"Many other times, I suspect." said Cas. He looked at Dean, seemingly concerned. "A lot may happen before Michael comes to this world. Both our lives are at risk all the time."
"Not really a reason to throw either of them away." said Dean.
"No and let's agree that we won't." said Cas, "Unless we have to. Unless there is no other choice." The way he said it made Dean uneasy.
"You think you'll have no other choice." said Dean.
"I recognise the possibility."
"Jules loves you."
"Maybe I have no right to be with Jules, when I know my life is not my own." said Cas, "In the end, I will do what I have to do."
"For humanity?"
"Yes and for you and Sam and Jack. There's no point in arguing about it. It is no more my nature to protect my own life than it is yours. If a sacrifice must be made, each of us will want to be the one that makes it. Why waste the time we have in fighting over it?"
"I just want you to understand that you may be expendable to Heaven, but you never will be to us."
Cas smiled sadly. "I know that, Dean. I do know that. I love you too and I am equally against any foolish sacrifice on your part. You look tired."
"I am." said Dean, "And you, Sam and Jack all having no instinct for self-preservation doesn't help me to sleep. Lemmings don't make great pets."
"If it helps, I really don't want to throw my life away. What I have with Jules is special. It makes me want to stick around. I won't easily surrender my life."
"Good." said Dean, "So, this sleepover of yours ... "
"I know you think it's stupid. Maybe you and I just want different things from a relationship."
"For a start, I don't want a relationship." said Dean, "But can you call it a relationship when it involves just being in the same room?"
"She fell asleep in my arms, Dean. Maybe it wasn't torrid passion, but it wasn't nothing. I've never felt like that before. I never felt less alone. Laugh all you like, but she makes me happy."
"Who's laughing?" said Dean, "Okay, so you're not handling this the way I would, but it's working for you. I said I'd try not to interfere and I am trying, I'll keep trying, but I want this for you and I'm just concerned ... "
"That I'll screw it up, like I have everything else that ever mattered?" said Cas."
"That you'll let that kind of thinking take it from you. She slept in your arms, huh? That's actually kinda sweet."
"It was." said Cas.
"Is she okay about you coming here? Really okay?" said Dean.
"Yes, she is. She's very honest with me and she would tell me if there were a problem. She told me to be here as long as I need to. She understands that my brother needs me."
"About that. I don't know why I need you. I don't know what I expect you to do. I feel bad for bringing you here."
"Well, don't. You don't need to tell us what you need until you need it. Then tell us and we do it. And if it turns out you just need us to be here, that's fine too. The hardest thing has been knowing you were choosing to be alone in the dark times."
"I'm trying not to do that now." said Dean, "It's hard sometimes, convincing myself I'm not asking too much of both of you."
"Dean, after all you've done for me, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."
"Except live."
"Except let you die. There's a difference."
