WARNING: EXTREME FLUFF FOLLOWS! (The tenderhearted may want a tissue)
Chapter 28:
After dinner that night, Ulquiorra sat his daughter down on the couch. He had some things to explain to her. "You know we went to see Urahara, right? He gave us the results of those tests we did the other day. You and I are not exactly human, Eriko."
"Duh, I know that."
A sigh left him. Of course his daughter was going to be difficult. "I am now what is referred to as a Vizard. I'm a hollowfied soul. I used to be what is known as an Arrancar; an Espada."
"I thought you were just making up words," she said, staring at her dad. The girl waited for her father to correct her.
This caused Ulquiorra to shake his head. "Hollow. Arrancar. Espada. Gigai. Shinigami. Zanpakuto. Fraccion. All of those words used to pertain to my world," he said, then continued, "I was a bad guy. Do you understand?"
She nodded. "But you're not now, right?"
Ulquiorra mimicked the action. "Shinigami and Quincys would still think I'm a bad guy if they find out who and what I am. I died and somehow came back to life. No one knows what happened or how it happened, but I ended up in the world of the living."
Orihime listened to Ulquiorra's explanation with a frown. "There is something you need to understand about hollows, Eri-chan. They aren't bad in the way we think of it. I know you know the difference between good guys and bad guys. Bad guys choose to do the wrong thing for selfish reasons, right?" She waited for confirmation of the girl's understanding.
The girl nodded and Orihime continued. "Hollows do bad things because it's their nature. They don't choose to be that way any more than a shark chooses to eat other fish. It's just who they are. I'm not just saying this to defend your father. My brother turned into a hollow and he hurt me. He attacked me more than once, and he tried to kill me. He didn't do it because he was a bad guy, though. He did it because he was hollow. He did it because it was natural." She wasn't sure if she was getting through and sighed.
The man held a hand up. He could see Eriko was becoming overwhelmed with this information. "You have questions, don't you?"
"So you hurt people, Dad?"
"No. I never hurt anyone unless they stood in my way. I killed many other hollows, but I refrained from fighting at all. I only engaged in combat if it was inevitable."
Green eyes sought out her father's gaze and Eriko held it for a moment. "Why? Why are you a bad guy? Why did you become a hollow? What does that make me?"
A sigh left Ulquiorra. He wasn't sure how much of his past as a human he should reveal. "Sometimes humans die with regrets or they're filled with sorrow. I don't remember the details of my first death, but I know when I woke up in Hueco Mundo I was a Vasto Lordes," Ulquiorra answered. He continued to talk because he knew that Eriko would ask more questions. "It's another word for a hollow. It's a very powerful hollow. Urahara… He said you're a half-arrancar, half-human hybrid."
"What?"
"Eriko, please listen to me. My soul… My spiritual pressure was strong. Very strong. It wanted something-I wanted something. I was..." Ulquiorra trailed off, unable to explain this to the girl.
Orihime put a hand on Ulquiorra's shoulder before she spoke. "Your father was alone for a very long time. It was fine when he was an Arrancar, but as humans, we need connections to other humans. Without that connection we become lonely, and our souls become weak."
"So what does that mean? You just went out and made a baby?"
The man shook his head. "You don't need the details, but I didn't just decide to make you. I didn't know about you until you were three months old. What I'm trying to say is that my soul was lonely. My heart wanted something or someone to love completely. That is probably why you were conceived.'" Ulquiorra looked at Orihime for a moment before he swallowed. "We have a theory that I wanted to be bonded to Orihime, so again that happened."
Orihime sighed. This was a heavy topic for a girl Eriko's age. "I don't know for sure of course, but it makes sense to me. There was an Espada who was so powerful, and so human-like, that he broke a piece of his soul off on purpose to create a companion, because none of the souls he found in the hollow world could survive in his presence. And, as a side note, he was a benevolent soul. He really only cared about being lazy and having his companion. I wouldn't even call him a bad guy, except for that he worked for a very, very bad guy."
"Starrk," Ulquiorra murmured. He remembered the Primera Espada and his loud-mouth companion. He always wondered why the Arrancar had done that. It didn't seem important at the time, but now it did. "Is Starrk still alive? We could ask him."
Orihime shook her head and looked to the ground. "No, I'm sorry."
Of course he wasn't alive. He had fought in the Winter War. Those ruthless shinigami wouldn't have kept any of them alive. "You're human, Eriko. As long as you stay in your body, you are human, do you understand?"
"Am I going to be bad?" The girl looked afraid. "Am I going to turn into a hollow?"
"No, sweetie. We need to explain better. You know about evolution, right?" Orihime asked, scrunching her features.
Eriko nodded. "Yeah, it's explained in a science book that Dad bought."
"Well, there are different classifications of hollows; and they can be compared to the theory of evolution. You know how humans and monkeys are meant to have a common ancestor?" She saw the girl nod a bit and continued. "Well, you can see that humans and monkeys are very different. Humans use more complicated tools and systems and language; we have complex laws and morality. Monkeys, on the other hand, are much simpler and are seemingly ruled by base, instinctual needs. In the same way, there are regular hollows, which are like monkeys. They do bad things because they need to, or they won't survive. But then there are Arrancar, which are like humans. They can understand the implications of their actions. They can choose what they want and how to act. Do you understand what I am saying?"
"What about Kazui?" Eriko asked Orihime. "He said we were alike. If I'm a bad soul... "
"Kazui has told you that he is a Shinigami right?"
"Yeah, but I don't see how we're alike."
"Kazui's father was a Shinigami, and a hollow, and a Quincy, and a Fullbringer. So far we know that Kazui has inherited the Shinigami side of things. The hollow side only appeared in his father after he had been training and was pushed to dangerous extremes. We may never know whether Kazui has any hollow aspect of his soul. But it doesn't matter. Having a hollow aspect of your soul does not make you bad. Kazui's father was a very good person. Your father is a very good person. You are a very, very good person, Eriko."
"But-"
"No," Ulquiorra said, holding up his hand. "No. The same rules that apply to Kazui now apply to you. You are not to leave your body. You are not to tell anyone about you."
"And remember, sweetie, just because you've learned something new about yourself doesn't mean you are different than who you were before. You're the same person you were yesterday and the same person you were last year. You just have a new label."
Eriko looked at Orihime and then her father. She didn't know why they explained things when it just confused her more. "What about when I feel that pressure? I get so angry and I want to hurt someone. How do I deal with that?"
A frown appeared on the man's face. "Training, just like kendo. You must train your mind to resist this. What you're feeling are hollows appearing in the world of the living. Resist those dark emotions."
Orihime nodded. "Even if you didn't have to deal with hollows, you would need to learn how to deal with negative feelings. It's part of growing up. But, now you're kind of in the advanced class, so to speak," Orihime said.
"It really sucks Kazui doesn't have to deal with this kind of stuff," Eriko said, pouting.
Orihime shook her head. "Do not wish to trade places with him. He's pretty happy now, but he struggled a lot before he met you and your dad. He was headed to a dark place. You two helped him. We're here to help you now, Eri." Orihime didn't want to get into specifics about Kazui's grief and rebellion.
The girl slumped into the couch and sighed. She didn't really believe what Orihime was saying, but she didn't want to cause a fight. "Was Yuko special? Like did she shoot lasers out of her fingers or have wings?"
"No, Eriko. She was a normal human."
"Oh."
After the kids were in bed that night, Orihime was exhausted. "If you don't mind, Ulquiorra, I think I am just going to pass out tonight," she mumbled while melting into her side of the bed.
It was soon that Orihime was snoring softly. Ulquiorra slipped out of bed and walked downstairs. He had put the tote she gave him earlier in the hall closet, content to let it sit there, but he was curious about what the box was hiding. Orihime just said there were journals and trinkets in there. He pulled the box out and took it to the living area.
It was quiet in the house as Ulquiorra laid on the couch. Everyone was asleep. He could hear Kazui mumbling in his sleep about ice cream. It would be safe to read these now. He picked up the oldest looking one and opened it. The date was from seventeen years ago. Shit. Really? Had she kept details of her life from that long ago?
Ulquiorra closed it and set the book beside him. In all there were probably seven small journals filled with memories and other parts of Orihime's life. As he rummaged in the bottom of the tote, his hand hit something. It was circular in shape and wrapped in paper. He had to keep from releasing an exasperated sigh.
Of course she kept it.
Carefully, as not to rip the paper the bracelet was wrapped in, he managed to get it out of the box without unpacking it. He looked at the leftover contents that were laying in the bottom of the container. There was a photo of a teenaged Orihime standing next to a girl of the same age with short black hair. This was Arisawa. His girlfriend occasionally talked about her. The last thing he pulled out looked like a letter, which he put to the side.
It was now or never, he thought, as he opened another journal. This one wasn't as old as the first notebook he opened. He smiled at some of the entries. Other times he scowled. This entry however, was different.
It's been what, now, six, seven years since I was a prisoner in Las Noches? Why is it all I dream about these days? I mean, it's not like I ever forgot it, but recently it is just, like, all I think about whenever my eyes are closed.
I hope that doesn't mean I'm a bad mom. I adore Kazui. He's cute as a button and I cannot get enough of him, but I wish he would let me get some sleep. Well, the dreams aren't all bad. I mean, some of them aren't even memories. Some are just fantasy… Sorry Ichigo. I love you, but I can't control my dirty dream mind. He was really upset the other night when I woke up wet and calling out the name of someone else. It's the hormones. It's the breastfeeding and the lack of sleep.
Had he had that much of an impact on her life that she would call out his name instead of Ichigo's? Why? He had done some terrible things to her. He didn't understand why she would think about him when he was dead.
That was quite the dream though. He did tie me down, but instead of forcing me to eat, Ulquiorra stared at me with those big beautiful green eyes while his hand went up my legs and touched me. Holy moly, I'm shivering just thinking about it now. I was totally into it in the dream, too. I wanted him to grab my breasts and suck on them and spread my legs open as far as they could go. I wanted him to fill me up and then do it again. Damn, that was a hot dream. Too bad reality wasn't quite like that in Hueco Mundo, haha. Just kidding, that would have been traumatic at the time, but it's hot to imagine now.
This entry had him doing all of that. He smiled. He scowled. He had to adjust himself because of her words. Orihime was right. He would never hurt her. He had defied Aizen and had not killed her. However, he still felt guilt for letting those two bitches harm her.
I guess things were not all bad with Ulquiorra. When he wasn't giving me a hard time, he was actually a calm, reassuring presence. I liked it when he used to hang out and rest in my room. I always stared at him. He was such a beautiful-looking being.
Anyway, I think Ichigo wouldn't have been as hurt if my other dreams weren't so bad. I mean the dreams of him turning into that hollow monster. The ones where I call out for Ulquiorra to protect me instead of him. I know it breaks Ichigo's heart. I'm sorry about that, but he nearly killed me. He nearly killed Ishida. He did kill Ulquiorra, and I think if Ulquiorra hadn't worried about me, he would have won. I think he was strong enough.
But Ulquiorra would never hurt me. I don't care if it was because Aizen told him to do it, the fact was I felt safe when he was around. I was never afraid of him. I was terrified of Ichigo, though, and he knows it, and when I have those nightmares it tears him up. I'm going to try some herbal tea and hopefully that will help.
Once he got through that journal, he grabbed the next one in the small stack, randomly flipping open a page.
We fought again. I don't know why he's so against having another baby. Why would he want Kazui to be an only child? It's not like we're too old. It's not like I ignore him in favor of Kazui. If anything, I'm more amorous than he is. But every time I talk to him about it I feel like he puts me in a sexual time out. It's frustrating. He doesn't really even have a reason why he doesn't want more kids. At least not one that he's telling me.
He says that I'm focused on this to fill in part of myself that I've been neglecting, probably. He says as soon as I start working, I will get over it. Maybe he's right, but I still want another baby.
I do feel like I am missing something else though. I always feel like I'm forgetting something.
Ulquiorra could only scoff as he read this page. Of course she was forgetting something, but it explained why she was so eager for him. Orihime had been neglected by Ichigo. It sounded like he told her time and again, "No".
He put that notebook down after he flipped through several more entries. He was right, Ichigo kept telling her no. Ulquiorra hoped the next journal was filled with happy words.
It's been two months and still no decent job offers. We're both stressed. We talk about our daily business and if we try to talk about us or anything fun it turns into an argument. It's getting tiresome.
He's been spending a lot of time away from the house. I wonder if he's found someone else.
No. He would never do that to us. Still, just thinking that he prefers to spend time hunting hollows and avoiding me hurts. I know your pride is hurting, Ichigo, but come on. I'm your wife.
Orihime had said something about Ichigo losing his job. She had said it caused strain and strife. Huh, even after Ichigo wiped her memory, Orihime still wasn't good enough for him. Ulquiorra sighed, putting the notebook down and picking up the last one.
He fucking left us. He left us without saying goodbye. How fucking dare you, Ichigo! Poor Kazui…
I miss you, you asshole. I'm so lonely without you.
It was standard grievances. Ulquiorra kept reading but almost put it down before he saw words that made his eyebrows raise.
Wow. Kazui's 4th grade teacher is hot. I had a sex dream about him last night. This is the first time I noticed a guy since Ichigo died. I am proud of myself. Maybe this means I am really healing.
Anyway, this guy is Kaz's best friend's dad. He isn't very warm or friendly, but he has this look in his eyes that makes me melt from the inside. I have never been one to think about the male form much, but Cifer-sensei has me curious about what he's hiding under those clothes.
I bet he's big.
I'm so turned on.
I'm so pathetic about it, too. I don't even care. I flirt with him every chance I get because apparently I am shameless around him. I had my hands all over his arms at the grocery store the other day. I can't be sure, but maybe he was flirting with me, too? We exchanged numbers and he looked at me like he wanted to eat me, sometimes. I would totally let him, too. But other times, he acts like he wants to get the hell away. The first time he came into the shop he acted that way, too.
He's worth a bit of a humiliation for the fantasy fodder, though. Mmmm-mm. Want. Now I'm embarrassing myself, haha.
His face turned pink, and he felt it become hot. Ulquiorra remembered the incident in the grocery store. He had tried to flirt, but felt it was a pointless endeavor. Now he found out the truth. It wasn't pointless. Orihime had returned his lustful feelings. Again, she was right. He wanted to indulge himself with her, savoring each piece he could get of her. On the other hand, he had wanted to get as far away as he could from her.
Another sigh left him.
Ulquiorra sniffed and put the notebook down, looking at the clock. It was way past his bedtime, but he couldn't sleep anyway. With nimble fingers, he grabbed and unfolded the sheet of paper.
Dear Ulquiorra,
I am so confused. I am so sad. I can't stop thinking about you and how unfair everything was at the end. I mean, yes, I'm glad I'm back home. I'm glad I can see my friends again. But I'm sad that you're gone.
Why do I feel this way? You wanted to tear my body open. You kidnapped me. You threatened to force feed me. You threatened the people I care about.
But, I guess, the truth is that I really never was afraid of you. I cared about you. Many mornings I wake up seeing the look on your face as I reached out to you. It makes me feel so lost, so empty. All I wanted was to touch you. In the end, I think that part of me did.
You definitely touched me. I'll always carry you in my heart.
Ah, I wish I could show you my world. What fun you could have had here! I wonder how old you would be here. Would you go to school with me? Would you be my neighbor? I wish I could watch you try the yummy food here. It's so much better than what you wanted me to eat in Las Noches! I wish I could teach you what it means to feel connected to someone. To care for someone. To be true friends with someone. Maybe even to love someone.
I kept the bracelet that you gave to me. I wore it a few times, but then my friends couldn't feel my spiritual pressure and started to panic, so I put it next to my brother's shrine. I know I don't have a picture of you, but still, I pray for you and talk to you every night beside my brother. I hope you don't mind. I know that you can't hear me, but I hope that, somehow, my feelings will reach you, wherever you are.
I wonder what you're doing now. Are you in Soul Society? Are you making a new life? Have you made friends? I hope that wherever you are, you are happy.
Thank you, Ulquiorra. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. I'll protect it always.
Love,
Orihime
He choked up when he finished reading these words. Tears left his eyes, falling from the corners and running down his face. Ulquiorra wiped his face with the sleeve of his pajama shirt and read the letter over. His mind drifted back to the first journal entry he read. He had always been in her thoughts.
She had been thinking of him for a while, and then Ichigo erased him from her brain. It was sickening. What had been the point? All of this was idiotic. The man had been jealous and had taken Orihime from him. His lip curled into a nasty sneer as he thought about Kazui's father. That asshole had taken away one of the things that had brought Orihime comfort. It was affecting her again.
It made Ulquiorra want to kill the shinigami again for hurting her like this. Ichigo had done this to his wife for his own selfish purposes. Was he such a sad excuse for a husband and a lover that he didn't want his wife to be fantasizing about an Arrancar?
Tch. He was ten times the lover and the man than Ichigo Kurosaki was and Ulquiorra was going to prove this to Orihime. He got up and put everything back in the tote before he returned to his bedroom, slipping back in beside his girlfriend. Ulquiorra drew her close to him, wrapping his arms around her before falling asleep.
He dreamt of red ceros, horns, and a woman screaming.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Hope you didn't go through as many tissues reading this one as I did writing it.
