"Gaaaaail! Gaaaaail!"
Tay's voice banging at my door might as well be an alarm bell ringing at the side of my head. I launch out of bed, my silky nightdress flying as I sprint to the door. Tay stands still, tears streaking onto his quivering lips.
"Scamp! Oh!" I kneel and pull him into a hug. "What's the matter? What's wrong?"
"One of the Selected came up to me! He was so scary!" He wraps his tiny arms around my shoulders. "He asked if I would be on camera and I didn't like that!"
On camera? My brain wracks as it searches for answers, but then said answer comes running around the corner, with my mother in tow. Levi skids to a halt and pants heavily as Omma readjusts her hanbok.
"Tay, sweetheart, it's all right. I promise Mister Levi isn't trying to hurt you."
"Y-Your Highness, I'm really am so sorry!" he says, but he stays a respectable distance away. "I-I didn't mean to startle you—"
Tay squeezes me harder and buries his head into my chest. I lift him up – he's a heavier little tyke than I remember – and look between Levi and Omma with confusion. Then the thought returns to my head. Levi wanted to do an interview with Tay for his fans, who adore him as much as they adore their favourite pop idol.
"Oh, Tay. It's okay. Levi's really nice, I promise."
"Yes, Tay." Omma comes up behind and rubs his back, prompting Tay to raise his head. "He was just showing you the camera. He hadn't started filming anything. I thought it might be a fun thing we could do together."
Tay sniffles. "Not fun."
"It will! How about I do it with you instead?" I say. "Won't that be fun? We can talk about baking."
"I like baking…"
"Me too," Levi chirrups, with just the right amount of sweetness that Tay can believe him. "I really like those cupcakes you baked for everyone the other day. I wish I could be as good as you."
Tay runs an arm over his face, drying his tears. "Will it be scary?"
"Nope! Promise!" Levi waggles his camera. "It won't even be live."
"See? We can chop out any parts that you don't like," I say, as I place him back down on the carpet. Tay watches Levi warily, but nods as he clings to my bare legs.
"Okay."
Omma ruffles his head. "There's a good scamp."
"Thank you so much, Prince Tay," Levi says cheerily. "And Queen Ji-Yu and Princess Gail for helping. This interview will be lots of fun!"
His eyes fall on mine with a gentle smile that quickly turns into a polite cough and an averting gaze. It's then I realise I'm still in my very thin silky nightdress (with pink flowers) that accentuate what few curves I have. Oh. A blush curls up my cheeks as I retreat to my door.
"Let me, erm, get changed first."
"Yes," Omma says, eyes darting between the two of us with a smirk, "that would be best."
I brush my teeth, put on a thin layer of make-up and change. It's not even seven in the morning and I'm not sure what these three are even doing up, but I can make an educated guess that Tay wakes at sunrise being the bouncy child he is, Omma has to take care of him, and Levi's set routine is drilled into his head from his idol days.
I come back out in a simple pink dress that does not show everything beneath, white tights, and Mary Janes. Extra cute, especially for Levi's fanbase. We decide to let Tay lead the way and choose a location, and he picks his own quarters. His parlour room.
Unlike mine, Tay's room is filled with so many feel-good things. Pictures of us hang from wire that strings from the wall. Fairy lights glow in tandem with the morning sun, brightening the muted turquoises and greens that accent his furniture and carpet. Tay's endless supply of cuddly toys sit upright on the sofa, next to his play kitchen set. He hasn't used that since Omma let him bake for real.
"Wow, I love it!" Levi comments, pure awe in his eyes as he takes in Tay's personal space. It's unusual for Tay to allow someone in here without knowing them intimately first, so Levi must've made quite the impression. "It's a very you room, Your Highness."
Tay trails inside and flops onto his armchair. "Omma let me chose the colours." He points. "You can sit next to Beary Delight and Shortcake Snake."
"These two?" Levi gestures to the deep red teddy bear and the snake plush with a strawberry on its head. "Excuse me, kind animal folk, for intruding in your space." He settles and waggles his bottom to get comfy, and it makes Tay giggle. Giggle! My heart soars as I prop myself on the armchair's arm and Omma settles on the sofa next to Levi, moving Jam Jar, a literal plush of a jam jar with eyes, and Pork Belly the pig plush aside.
"So I just have a few questions from the fans of LH². They're also big fans of yours, Prince Tay! Isn't that great?"
Tay frowns. "Are they scary?"
"The questions or the fans?" I say with a laugh.
Omma fixes me a look. "Neither are scary, Tay. I've read them all, and they're all appropriate."
"Okay." He twiddles his thumbs. "What's the first question?"
"Let me get the video rolling." Levi sits up and points the camera at his face, which immediately brightens into that familiar, breezy grin that captivates everyone around him. "Heywhat'supL-Hearties! It'syourboyLevibackwithalong-awaitedvideoofmySelectionlife!"
He flips it around and zooms in on Tay. I squeeze his shoulder to let him know I'm there.
"Hi!" I wave. "It's Princess Gail here, with my younger, adorable brother, Prince Tay. Say hi, Tay."
"Hi, Tay," he says.
Levi laughs. "Such wit at such a young age! I love it!" He adjusts the notecards on his laps. "So, for the prince, your first question. What's your favourite thing to bake?"
Tay absolutely lights up. No waiting for the baking questions, it seems.
"Beignets!" he chirrups.
"Yes, we couldn't get enough of those, could we, scamp?" I say, ruffling his hair.
"But they were tasty!"
"Yes, they were."
"I also like cherry pie," Tay says, legs swinging. "I like rolling the dough!"
"I hope you bake us a cherry pie soon, Prince Tay! I would want to try that." Levi makes a face, cheeks puffing. "Now… what's the most difficult thing you've ever made?"
Tay deflates visibly. "French macaroons."
Ah yes, macaroons. The little French cookies made with egg white and piped with filling between. Infamously hard to make, Tay and I tried our hand at them a year ago or so, but instead of a perfect little cookie we got huge pancakes. (Consolation: they tasted so good.) Tay tried several times after but all ended up the same, and he's been discouraged ever since. It's not like Tay to entirely give up on a recipe, but he's certainly felt a lack of skill when it comes to these confections.
"Aw, hey. Just because you don't have it now doesn't mean you won't ever get it." Levi beams. "I can barely make ready meal macaroni and cheese without burning it."
"But you just put it in the microwave."
"Yeah, but I forgot to take the plastic film off once. Exploded in the microwave. I was never allowed near it again. Never again!"
To that we all laugh. I'm not sure how exaggerated that story is, but it's at least entertaining to Tay. He eases into the armchair and smiles that toothy smile that melts hearts.
"What's the next question?"
"What," Levi says, "is your favourite thing about being a prince?"
"Erm, baking?" Tay offers.
Levi nods like Tay has delivered the most profound of wisdom. "You're right. He's right, isn't he?" He looks at the camera with round, wide eyes. "That really is the best part. The food! I can attest, even though I'm not a prince. The bulgogi… so good… Moonmoon would be jealous!"
"Moon-moon?" Tay asks, head cocked.
"My bandmate!" Levi says, and laughs. "He wishes he could be as good a baker as you, Prince Tay!"
"And we do have really good food here," I add. "Like blueberry pancakes!"
"Final question!" Levi pauses for the suspense. "Your Korean fans would like you to say hello in Korean! Can you do that?"
Tay shuffles in his chair, demure again. He's been learning Korean with Omma, but it's not very confident at speaking yet.
"Hello. My name is Taeyang," he recites slowly in Korean. "I am nine years old. I live in Illéa. My favourite hobby is baking."
Levi yells, "Wow!" at the same time Omma claps and I squeal excitedly. Under so much praise, Tay goes red in the cheeks.
"Your Korean is so good, Prince Tay!" Levi pipes, then winks at me. "Better than the princess'!"
"Hah!" I say, at the same time as Tay says, "Gail's Korean is really good, Mister Levi."
I nearly gush at how sweet Tay is, but instead stay rigidly polite until Levi ends his video. Then I give Tay a big squeeze. "See? You did it!"
"Yay!" he says, with uncharacteristic joy. "Can we go bake something together now?"
Omma laughs as she stands, offering her hand to him. Tay practically falls off the armchair to give it to her. "We have a photoshoot to do later on today, but after that, we can make some cookies together and give them to all the guards."
"Cookies!" Tay says, and Omma leads him from the room.
Levi leans back against the sofa and takes a deep breath. "Phew! I thought I'd traumatised him."
"He's not easily traumatised, even if he is shy." And thank goodness for that. Otherwise he'd never want to leave his bedroom after the parade. I smile. "You were good with him."
"I was?" Levi gulps. "I don't know. He's so cute! I wanted to squish his little cheeks! But I didn't want to overwhelm him."
"You're right not to. He needs to be slowly introduced to things, y'know?"
He nods. "He has a great sister to help him."
I'm kind of struck at how earnest the statement is. Camera Levi is bubbly persona, talkative and social and never ending in energy, but this moment of candidness is subdued, calmer than what I'm used to seeing. It's a side of him that is quieter, but nicer, in a way. It feels more… him.
"Oh, you," I wave away the compliment and take his hand. "Is the video diary being received well then?"
He squeezes my hands back, drawing me onto the sofa with him. "Very much! The L-Hearties are loving it. They really enjoy seeing what palace life is like. The other day Yamato and I went on a tour around the gardens and the hits were amazing! I should get sponsored by YouTube!"
Yamato? I want to ask. He's the last person I'd expect to be hanging around with Levi. They're as opposite as oil and water, as chalk and cheese. Reading my face, Levi's eyes glint.
"He's a big fan," he whispers, "though he'll never admit it."
Huh. Who'd have thought? Definitely not me.
"Let's go and do something," Levi begins suddenly. "You and me."
"I haven't forgotten I owe a group outing to you and Kajika and the rest of you for the presentation."
"I meant something more… one-to-one."
I blink, because duh. Of course he meant that. He puffs his chest comically large, and I have to laugh.
"Whatever you want to do. I'm up for it."
I have practice today at the rink. It's the first session since my tournament barring, and the first session where we – they – will be gearing up to take on our first home match. I fight to keep the dread from eking away my smile. And then, afterwards, is the not-quite-sleepover at Rose's place.
"Oh, I wish I could right now. I have some work to do." I hope my sympathy is as sincere on my face as it is in my chest. "I'm really sorry."
"That's okay! Whenever you're bored, think of me. I'll cook dinner, do a face mask and go a drag show with you if that's what you want."
"All at the same time?"
As he leads me to the door and opens the way for me, he winks.
"I'm flexible."
Sitting on the bench, as Zelda would say, sucks.
It's not actually a bench, and I'm not actually sitting. In fact, I stand, palms to the plastic wall, eagerly watching the rest of the All-Stars practicing a manoeuvre for next week's game against the Orange County Oranges. But being substituted for what will be only our second game of the tournament punches me in the chest with major Fear of Missing Out.
I've already had my practice today. Now the focus is entirely on match strategy, one that needs Madison, my substitute, over me. The All-Stars flit about on the ice like pucks themselves as they practice goal shots and passes and difficult skating techniques. My shoulders slump. Scoring goals should be my job. I should be out there.
I even made an effort to come extra early today. Twenty whole minutes. That's not easy for a girl like me, but I managed. But Bellona gave me the cold shoulder when I arrived, staying zipped quiet about it all, and worse, refusing to overturn the decision. She didn't make a formal announcement to everyone about it, but they all must know, since they've all lavished me with the most pitiful of sympathetic smiles.
Other than Rose, of course, who promised not to mention it tonight at the not-quite sleepover.
I feel someone come stand at my side and nearly jump, but relax when I realise it's Max.
"You shouldn't be here, you know," I say, nodding my head towards the spectator stands, where Aderyn now sits alone. "They let you in to watch practice, but this is the player's place only."
"I know," he says with that timbre that makes me shudder every time. The long, blond wig and sunglasses make him look totally ridiculous, but nothing can quite damper how dizzyingly attractive his voice is. "But you looked lonely. Miss Aderyn suggested I comfort you."
It's true. "I just hate being here when I should be out there."
He's silent for some time. I've come to quite like his silence. It's contemplative, not awkward.
"How long will it go on for?" he asks quietly. "This barring?"
"I don't know." As Madison scores, I sigh and sit on the bench. Max follows. "Do you think I've ruined my chances forever? What if Madison becomes the permanent member and I become the sub?"
"That won't happen." A tiny smile warms his face. "You're too good for her to bench forever."
I really hope that's true, because this feeling of uselessness is the. Absolute. Worst. Sitting back, I exhale a long breath and tap my cheeks.
"Let's talk about something else. Remember tonight's plan?"
He grimaces. When he agreed to take me to the rink tonight, after pretending to spend more 'quality time' in his room with me, he unwittingly also agreed to take me to the not-quite-sleepover at Rose's place. I had to tell Rose sleeping over was impossible – something something Zelda and Aderyn have work in the morning – and meanwhile Aderyn requested the night off to sneak Zelda out of 'an early night's sleep'. It's not a perfect plan, but it does mean we escape the clutches of the palace for a few more hours without arousing suspicion. If we're both away doing 'separate' things, no one would think, if we do get caught, that our absences are connected.
"I don't know…" he mumbles. "It's one thing to be out for a few hours. Another to be out until after midnight. The party…"
I remember the party, and the brownie, all too well.
"This is different. It'll be just Zelda, Rose, Janet, Beverly and I. And it'll be fun! And when I'm there, then you can go out and, erm, do whatever it is you do out late." My eyebrows furrow. "Like, erm, driving your car."
He shrugs. "I'll probably give my motorcycles a whirl."
"And will you drive to anywhere in particular?"
"Probably not."
My cheeks pinch. He actually laughs at that.
"You're so mysterious! No one has that many cars and doesn't have a super big secret!"
"The palace has eight limousines and an entire convoy of 4x4s," he points out.
"Exactly!" I say. "Firstly, everyone and their mother knows Roy likes to wear neon green underpants. He's really not subtle about it. And secondly," I gesture around us, "my super big secret is not exactly a super big secret anymore."
He laughs again, and the sound! Oh, it makes my poor heart thump too noisily in my chest. I wonder idly if his heart does somersaults and backflips when I'm around, and I'm suddenly struck by how much it would hurt if it didn't. I glance at his face, so sternly watching the ice hockey. He's so hard to read. I have no idea what he feels. If anything.
Then there's still his secrets, which he holds close to his chest. Who are you? I think. What do you want in life?
When practice ends and everyone leaves in exhausted tatters, Rose, fully showered and hair wrapped in silk, loops her arm with mine. Her All-Stars hoodie fits her so well and matches the star-patterned leggings that hug her legs.
"I'm so excited! Ready to go?"
"Where's Janet and Beverly?"
"Oh, they couldn't make it. Last-minute thing. Told me on the rink." Her smile falters but she gives me a hopeful look. "You… you still want to go, right?"
"Of course!" I chirrup, noticing how her cheeks ease. "You can take us, right, George?"
"Sure," says Max, jingling the keys to his car. "Will you give me directions, Rose?"
"Of course! Thank you for the ride!"
Zelda and Aderyn come up to us from behind. "We'll follow," Aderyn says brightly, with her own keys.
We clamber into our cars as Rose makes talkative conversation between directions to Max. I feed the excuse that I was out with George during the day, hence my, Zelda, and Aderyn separation, but there's no need – Rose doesn't even have a hint of suspicion as to our travel circumstances. We don't have to go far, trawling through the last flickers of LA traffic to reach her apartment in the suburban hills. Max jams the car in her designated parking spot, whilst Aderyn finds a place on the road next door.
I get out of the car and look around, gobsmacked. It's not Beverly's mansion, these apartments, knitted so close together there's hardly breathing space between the buildings, but it's not exactly anything to scoff at, with the gated walls and clean, sleek exterior. Near LA's midtown, it must cost a fortune to stay here.
When Zelda and Aderyn arrive, Rose invites all four of us inside the building.
"Okay, I know you both probably have better things to do," Rose begins to Max and Aderyn both, "but I insist you stay for a drink at least. There's coffee, sweet tea, grape and orange juice…"
"Oh, I-I couldn't," Aderyn jumps in, waving her hands. "It would be incredibly rude of me—"
"Don't be silly! Any sister and-or male companion of Susanetta and Linkle's is a friend of mine." Rose ushers her in and shuts the door so fast they don't have time to think. "And I have plenty of food, especially sandwiches! Everyone loves sandwiches."
"I do know you love your sandwiches, Addie," says Zelda, earning a glare from Aderyn.
Aderyn acquiesces. "All right. Thank you. Just one drink."
Max nods. "One."
Rose takes us to the seventh floor and opens the door to her apartment. I fight not to drop my jaw open. It's a huge, open plan sleek lounge we step into, complete with floor-to-ceiling windows, a fireplace, and a ginormous wall-mounted TV on the right. The kitchen counter is laden with food, like a banquet, and she's right – there are far too many sandwiches for just the three of us. Cucumber, ham and cheese, tomato and mayo.
"Please make yourself at home! And eat as much as you can!" Rose tosses her duffle bag at the door and kicks off her sneakers. "What can I get people to drink?"
"You got cider?" asks Zelda, who takes make yourself at home to heart when she throws her feet up on the sofa.
"Sure!"
"You really ought not to drink, Linkle," mutters Aderyn, though it doesn't seem to do much when Zelda waves her away. "I'll take a hot English tea if you don't mind."
"Coffee," says Max. "Please."
"Grape juice!" I pipe.
Rose opens the fridge, and low and behold, it is stacked with food. I imagine this is what the palace looks like when preparing a feast. Why does she have so much? Is she preparing for quarantine?
Then it hits me. Of course, she invited Janet and Beverly along with Zelda and me. She probably expected to host a big party between us.
And the other two said no.
Heart suddenly filled with lead, I sit quietly as Rose makes our drinks and brings over platters of food to feed us with. Besides an abundance of sandwiches, there are cupcakes, nachos, chips of every flavour, and carrot sticks and dip. Did she really go through all this effort for us? Was she hoping more people would come tonight?
"How long have you two been friends?"
I startle when all eyes suddenly turn to me. Rose waits, eyes wide, somewhat rocking side to side.
"Huh?"
Aderyn scowls. "You really shouldn't daydream so much, Susanetta."
"It's okay," Rose says, smiling. "You and George. You seem to be close."
I exchange a look with Max. "Oh. Er. Yes. We've been friends for… many years! So many years."
He nods once.
Zelda makes a noisy snort-laugh. "Do you remember that time in tenth grade when we went to Six Flags together with our families, and George threw up on you after the Squealer? That was hilarious."
My grin falls. Even for Max, he looks mortified. Devious, devious Zelda. But Rose laughs, having bought the story.
"Oh, sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but that sounds so funny! Is that how you became friends?"
"Yes," I say through gritted teeth. "I felt nothing but pity for Vomit Boy."
Max chokes on his coffee. "Vomit Boy?"
"Your families must be close, then."
I don't know anything about Max's family, I think, besides the fake passport names he gave to me and Zelda. Diane, he gave to me. Named after his mother.
"Something like that," Max says cryptically, and sips his coffee.
"You must have such fun at home," Rose says now to Aderyn. "Because you're all so different. Oh. Wait. That came out wrong. I don't mean because you're all adopted… well, I guess I do—"
"I wouldn't say fun," Aderyn interrupts, before Rose can explode. "I would say my peaceful life was ruined when our parents brought home these two gremlins."
Rose cackles at the same time Zelda goes, "Hey!"
"And what about your family?" Aderyn asks. "Is this apartment all yours?"
"Oh, no! Definitely not!" She laughs. "I share with my mom, my dad, and my half-sister, Mariam. But, well." She shrugs. "They're all working right now. Out fighting the good fight doing long late shifts in the Los Angeles Hospitals circuit. No one will bother us, if that's what you're thinking."
A pang of sadness reaches deep into my core. She's… mostly alone? In this huge apartment?
No wonder she wants us to stay.
"I think all the smart genes skipped me," she huffs it, but her tone is anything but light. "They all get to be super intelligent doctors of medicine and I'm out here tackling people on a giant ice rink."
"Hey, that's awesome," I pipe. "You're really good at it. Your family must be really proud."
"They are. But I wish I had half the brains. Then I could be out there making lots of money, and not doing part-time as a waitress." She shifts beneath our attention. "So… want to watch a movie?"
The night continues with us volleying chatter between us during the screening of some comedy. Two hours pass, and Zelda has downed enough cider that her noisy hiccoughs frequently inject into our conversation. Aderyn attempts to confiscate her third with little success.
"I'm— hic— I'm fine, big sister Addie—hic."
"You don't sound fine." Aderyn snatches the bottle and Zelda whines. "Do I need to tell you the story of when my ex drank so much peach soda that he hiccoughed so violently he knocked himself unconscious?"
"Your ex?" asks Zelda, face scrunching. "Is this the one you lost in Argentina?"
"No."
"Was it the one who never told you anything?"
She frowns. "That was my ex-girlfriend."
"Then the mean ex?"
"Still wrong."
"Sheesh. How many people did you date?"
"Hmph!" Aderyn's chin rises into the air. "That's not a very polite thing to ask a lady, is it?"
"Good thing you ain't a lady. Hic." Zelda laughs. "You dating anyone, Rosie?"
"Oh, no, not me," says Rose, waving her hands with her cheeks darkening. "I've dated briefly before but they all ended mutually. One day I will live my ultimate dream of living in a nice house, with a good hockey career and a cute girlfriend to cuddle me to sleep every night."
"Hey, funny that, I know someone who is available…" Zelda winks at Aderyn.
Aderyn swats at her. "Linkle!"
Rose giggles it politely away, but blushes too.
"What about you, George? Do you have a partner?"
Zelda mashes her lips together in an attempt not to laugh. I lower my head, thankful that I have a better grasp on my sobriety than my best friend.
Max swirls the remnants of his hot chocolate. "No."
"Pffft. Do you even catch feelings?" asks Zelda.
Max rolls his eyes. "Yes."
"Oooooh!" Rose clutches her fluffy cushion. "Spill!"
"Dated some people. We broke up."
"Wow," says Rose, wide-eyed. "Mysterious."
"Hey, random question— hic," Zelda bleats. "Would you ever date the princess?"
My soul punches free from my body like I got knocked out by a flying boxing glove. Zelda. Why.
Max's stoic expression chastens, and his cheeks ripen. "Sure. I guess. If we connected." Quickly he adds, "And if she wasn't in the middle of a Selection, of course."
"Princess Gail is soooo lucky," Rose fawns. "I'd love to date thirty-five girls. Or just to meet them! I hardly ever get out these days. But I'm rooting for Kingsley to win. He's so cool!"
Zelda full-on laughs. Loud, raucous laughs that could take off the roof. Aderyn goes to swat her again.
"And what about you, then?" she teases, which thankfully moves the spotlight away from me. "Have you dated anyone?"
Rose's eyebrows wiggle. "What about Willow?"
Zelda's laughter cuts bluntly off.
"Nice try. It ain't happening."
"Aw, but you'd be so cute together! She's so lovely and graceful, and you're the total opposite…"
"Hey!" Zelda throws a pillow at her. "If you must know, I don't like her like that. The party was a misjudgement. I don't know." She goes quiet. "Lately I've been thinking about how I feel about guys. No big deal."
It's one comment that spins in my head. Zelda isn't exactly open about her dating life; I had to fight to get closure about Willow Grace. But this is new. Zelda, into boys. I sit up. Could recent circumstances have prompted this change? Could she have started seeing boys in a new light… because my Selected are around?
I blink and force the thought away. I'm being irrational. I'm just happy Zelda is finding herself.
"All right, full circle. Spill it, Susanetta." Zelda cocks a finger gun at me. "I know you've been crushing on someone."
I raise my glass of grape juice, clutch suspense by the straws.
"And you shall never know who."
The sky gets darker as we conjure half-truths to hide our identities. As we do, our half-truths become white lies, and our white lies become full-on fabrications, running deeper and deeper until my stomach clenches. Nothing to do with all the sandwiches I've eaten.
Rose has no idea she'd being duped. No idea none of us are who we say we are. No idea I'm princess of the country.
At about eleven, Rose brings out a beauty pack with every single nail colour under the sun, brand new, and seven avocado face masks. I have to make up a lie about sensitive skin to avoid removing my make-up and glasses, but Zelda and even Aderyn happily comply to smear it on, distracting my inner turmoil with the clean scent of paste and the acrid smell of freshly done nails.
Rose paints my right hand as Zelda, Aderyn and Max help themselves to more food.
"This is super fun, you know," she says suddenly.
"Definitely," I agree, trying not to twitch my fingers. "I'm sorry we can't stay for much longer. Linkle and Addie have work in the morning."
"That's okay. I'm really thankful that you all came. It's so much more fun with more people."
"And thank you for inviting us." I beam my toothiest smile. "I really appreciate it. Especially after… well, you know. It's nice to forget about it all."
"I know. It's really unfair. If I were in charge, I would un-ban you in a heartbeat." Rose finishes my index finger and moves to my ring, smoothing the brush over my nails, her delicate hands holding mine still. "I… I don't have many friends. I don't know many people." Her eyes meet mine – hers, so achingly gentle and real. "But I'm really glad I met you and Linkle. You've been so nice to me."
I smile back, accept the compliment, but the truth crawls underneath my skin.
Rose has been nothing but kind, genuine, and lovely.
And I've been nothing but a liar.
It's late, past one o'clock, by the time I crawl back into Max's room through the passageway. We shed our disguises and I rub off my make-up, including the varnish on my nails. If anyone notices the colour difference, I'm toast, though the physical act feels like stripping away bits of Rose's friendship.
After we're done, Max goes to the door to let me out, but pauses, rubs the back of his neck and looks away.
"Do you... do you want to stay, for a little while? I know it's late, but..."
But my heart is too heavy. Guilt gnaws at me like the jaws of a shark on my pitiful human flesh, and I wish I didn't have to add to it by making Max feel like I don't appreciate his company. It was pretty obvious by the silence on the drive back that I wasn't in much a talking mood.
"Not tonight."
He nods once. "All right. And are you... all right? Really?"
"I'm fine," I say. "It's just difficult keeping all these secrets."
His cheeks pinch in a way that makes me think he understands that more than I realise.
I leave Max's room sombre, and Naomi stands to attention by shoving her mobile in her pocket. She doesn't ask questions, doesn't seem to mind when I divert from the usual route to my room to take the long way around, letting my mind do all the talking in the calm that follows. I can't tell Rose who I really am, but that amount of respect and trust she has for me, as her friend, is a compelling reason to change my mind.
It hurts. Because for the first time ever, I have a friend who's never seen me as royalty. Never seen me as Her Highness, Princess Gail, second in line to the throne. She sees only me, who I am beneath all the pomp and titles. Just… Gail Schreave.
I wander into the Amendment wing. The classrooms are dark and spooky at this hour, but it's uninterrupted that I walk, draw my hands across the walls and contemplate life. What would be the worst thing that could happen if I told Rose who I truly am? Would she go to the press? Would she tell Bellona on me? Would she never trust me ever again?
Those first two things are fixable. Gargantuan disasters PR-wise, but fixable. But the last one… not so much. If I told her and she never forgave me for withholding it for so long, I would never be able to live with myself.
Aderyn's words come back to haunt me. How long did you think you could keep this up before there were repercussions like today?
I didn't really think about it. At all. I was so focused on meeting Bellona and then joining her hockey team that the long-term consequences of my actions weren't ever on my mind. How did I think I'd navigate this? How did I think that Gail and Susanetta could live different lives, separate lives?
I stop in the hallway and glance out into the gardens bathed in darkness. Maybe I can only think of an answer now: that the truth is, I may not be able to keep this up forever.
But despite everything, despite the hurt, despite how difficult it is to pull it all off… I'm going to try. I like being Susanetta Vivas. I like having my secret double life, where I can be who I want to be. I like the freedom, the ambiguity of the unknown, and that I'm a faceless nobody in a sea of faceless nobodies. In a life where I've had all my actions and choices monitored, scrutinised, and sometimes ridiculed, this is a taste of the real world, a flavour of gritty beauty I can never experience any way else.
But if that's my solution, to keep it up as long as I can, then I have to harden my heart. Otherwise I'll never be able to manage the two sides of me. I'll never be able to be a good friend to Rose.
I amble a little more before the pitter-patter of a distant noise catches my attention. Somewhere up ahead, along the end of the wing, and the end of the palace. My feet slow, and Naomi stops behind me.
"Something wrong—?"
"Sssssh!" I hiss at her. "Who is that?"
She only shrugs.
I tiptoe forwards, closer to the drawing room. It's too late for anyone to be reasonably up and about, but as I near the low light that spreads forth from the open door, the whispering doesn't solidify to words. It's just humming, slow and calming noises. I don't even recognise who is making the sounds.
I should probably go – this is a private time of night – but I'm too curious for my own good. Naomi matches my pace behind, staying quiet.
I peer around the corner.
Lilly Carter sits patiently on the sofa, arms wrapped tenderly around someone. Their face is buried in her shoulder. She whispers nothing but soothing noises, strange things that make no sense but feel calm nonetheless. For a moment I think I've accidentally walked into a cute, but forbidden love tryst that you see in the movies, but then she pivots her head to kiss the person's head.
Roy's head.
I can't see his face, but his hair is unmistakable. Long, dark, inky. His hands linked together around her waist, gripped tightly enough to make his knuckles blanch. It takes me a moment to acknowledge how close they are. How there is no gap between their bodies.
I gasp before I can help myself. Have I walked into a moment of intimacy? A moment of betrayal? No. It can't be.
But there's no mistaking it. Lilly's hands run through his hair with gentle strokes. Roy doesn't move, but it's in a staccato way that his chest rises and falls.
Without warning, emotions burst inside me in a blizzard. Anger, disappointment, tears that well in my eyes before I can even stop myself. It all comes down to one thing. One ultimatum.
This is betrayal. Betrayal at the deepest level.
"How could you?"
Lilly makes no motion, but Roy looks up. That's when I see his face. Dark red, blotchy. Stricken with tears. He goes utterly still at my appearance, with only the slight widening of his eyes any indication of his shock.
"G-Gail—"
"How could you betray Cami like that? Both of you?"
"Betray—?" His eyes dart from Lilly to me, and then he shoots to stand. "Shit. N-No, this isn't what it looks like—"
"What's this supposed to look like?" I snap. "You're—" I can barely say the words. "Y-You're cheating on Cami! Your wife!"
"I can't—" I've never seen him so distressed. So… disheveled, frazzled. Burnt up from the inside out. He shakes his head, turns back to Lilly. "I have to go."
Lilly desperately signs. "Roy, please wait."
But he doesn't. Instead of giving me an explanation that he owes, instead of getting angry at me or Lilly or the world, he flees, and Lilly runs after him.
I am left alone.
A/N: [builds bunker, wears earmuffs to protect against screaming] Bwahahahah. This chapter is fun. Is what Gail saw what she thinks? Or is it all a big misunderstanding? Find out... next week...
In these trying times where life's been a bit of a shitshow, I've decided that, for at least the next few weeks, I will be updating every Sunday. I'm three chapters ahead writing-wise and I have a good idea where I'm going, so I hope, however small, this can brighten up your days in isolation.
Let me know what you thought of this one! Gail, Levi and Tay, hockey, Max, the not-quite-sleepover, Rose, the lies, and of course the shocking sight of Roy and Lilly together. I've been buzzed to post this since I wrote this chapter, hahahah. I thrive on reactions.
Thanks for reading, and stay safe, buddies!
~ GWA
NTT: Is he furious I interrupted his cheating session? Is he going to force me to pretend nothing happened?
