Author's Note: The aftermath of the last chapter. Be warned it's going to get a lot harder before things get better.

The air was cool against Jim's face. He blinked his eyes a few times as a hand came to a stop in his hair. He sat up looking around. This wasn't where he should have been. He felt panic began to bubble in his chest. "Are you awake Jim?"

His head jerked to the sound of Spock's voice. Spock who had been near the wood. He quickly got to his knees and began searching the male over for any spores. He ingored every question on his hunt before finding nothing. He quickly looked over himself before sinking back into a seated postion. "Thank god you didn't get any on you."

"What would that be Jim?" Spock was watching him like he was someone else. That was new.

Jim bit on his bottom lip. He had to tell them. At least part of it. He could avoid the details. "Later. When we get back to the others. I want to check on Chekov. That wound looked pretty bad and who knows what sort of sickness those things could carry on their claws."

He paused seeing relief flood Spock's face. "I am glad you are back Captain." Oh. Dread filled every bone in his body. He had though he had stopped doing that years ago. He looked away before swallowing. "So you are aware dissociative state."

Jim got to his feet. "Starfleet wouldn't have let me in if I had a mental disorder." Looking around Jim tried to get his bearings. He was more than a little lost.

"No they wouldn't allow this one. However we both know you are more than able to hack their systems." Of course Spock would bring the one time he actually hacked Starfleet. Stupid kobayashi maru. "Jim you can't keep us in the dark anymore. What are you going to do if someone gets hurt or dies?"

Jim flinched. Finally he turned to look at Spock. "It's complicated." At the look of disbelief he ran his hands theough his hair before dropping them to his side. "Look. Spock." He sighed. "We were given a gag order. Mostly meant to keep us safe. But more so to keep Starfleet out of the frying pan. Just...I've never talked about it. Not to anyone. Well just one person but that was more them talking to me and I kept my mouth shut. Can we just get back to the others? I promise I'll tell you what I can to keep you guys safe."

Spock arched a brow. "But not all of it? Why don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you Spock." Confused Jim took a step back. It was rare to see Spock angry.

"But not when it matters the most! Jim we are stuck on a planet that you clearly know light years away from our children. Our children could be in danger and we can't do anything about it. You are showing signs of mental disorders that do not just manifest over night. You expect us to follow you when you won't even trust us enough to know what we are facing. You-" Spock turned away unable to continue.

"The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony." Jim shook as he spoke the words that haunted him even to this day. He couldn't count the nights he had woken up screaming thinking he was still there. He licked his lips and clinched his fist. Jim opened his mouth to continue the speech he knew by heart. Spock's eyes grew wide.

"No." Spock's voice was barely above a whisper. His eyes flickered as if he was searching for the lie.

"One of the nine who heard that speech personally and lived. Let's get back to the others." There was a hard lump in his throat as his stomach rolled. Nothing would come up. "Please."

"At the Academy we teach... You..." Unable to say anything Spock pulled Jim into a hug holding him tight. It wasn't what he was expecting. It wasn't pity in Spock's voice but fear. Of what Jim didn't know. Maybe it was the way this damn planet had the exact same fungus growing on it. "How did you survive?"

A broken laugh escaped. "You really don't want that answer. I was broken long before I got there. I just learned how to hide it better."