Authors note: the name of this chapter, as well as all the chapters since Spirit Cold, have been the titles of songs that have inspired me during the writing process.
Interested in listening to these songs? I have a playlist on Spotify called Lucky. My username is Jesna.
Rey
I tried to remind myself why I'd rejected the Bond.
I didn't want to be married or mated to Kylo Ren.
I didn't want to be empress of the First Order.
I didn't want to spend my life running from those who would use me as leverage to get to him.
But, every time I tried to remember why I'd rejected it, I also remembered all the reasons as to why I should have accepted it.
I wanted to be mated to Ben Solo.
I loved him. He loved me.
I wanted a family, a life, and a future with him.
And, I'd just thrown that love and future away with both hands.
I wandered out of my room, unable to stand the faint smell of him that still lingered, the entire reason I'd started sleeping there, and made my way to the main hold.
I didn't know if I was looking for food or for Chewie but I found both.
He looked up. "What's wrong?"
"I think I've made a mistake." I admitted.
He held his arms out for me, and I went to him, letting him pull me close to his chest. "That's ok." He assured me. "I'm sure it's nothing that can't be fixed."
He pulled away, and looked down at me. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
I nodded, and wiped my nose with my sleeve.
He motioned toward a seat next to him and I took it, watching him as he set a mug in front of me, and poured tea into it from a nearby kettle.
"Now," He sat back in his chair. "What happened?"
I looked up at him miserably. "I rejected the Bond." My voice broke.
"The mated Bond?" He asked.
My eyebrows pulled together. "You know?"
He nodded. "Ben told me about it that last time you were here."
I sat up and wrapped both of my hands around the steaming mug.
Oddly enough, I didn't mind that Chewie had known. It was nice to not have to worry about explaining it.
"But now, you regret rejecting it?" Chewie guessed.
I nodded.
He grumbled, thinking, then asked, "Why did you reject it?"
I swallowed. "Mainly because I don't want to be mated to Kylo Ren."
"And, why do you regret it?" He asked.
"Because I do want to be mated to Ben."
He raised his chin, and leaned forward. "This is something you will have to come to terms with, Dear One. Ben and Kylo Ren are one in the same. You cannot have an upbringing like Ben had and then ignore the darkness that became him."
"What upbringing?" I demanded. "He had Leia and Han-"
Chewie let out a low growl, stopping me short. "Han was my best friend, and Leia his wife, but they were not infallible. Especially when it came to Ben. They were recklessly in love, but they didn't get along. They disagreed about everything, but nothing more so than Ben. She was consumed by her Resistance, her cause. And Han, when he got overwhelmed, which was often, he would just leave. So, you say that Ben had Han and Leia, but in reality, he didn't have either one."
"Who did he have?" I whispered.
"Who he had is not nearly as important as who had him." Chewie pointed out.
"Snoke." I remembered, and he nodded.
"Snoke was there when no one else was. I did what I could for him, raised him as if he were my brother's son, but as his power grew, so did Leia's insistence that he be trained." His eyes were vacant as he went on. "Han fought harder then than he ever had. He knew that there was something, someone to blame for the darkness in his son. And, when Leia still insisted that he go, he was devastated. It drove a wedge between them that sent him off smuggling again."
"Did Ben blame Han?" I asked in a small voice. "Is that why he…" I trailed off, unable to finish.
"Why Ben did what he did is a question that I cannot answer." Chewie told me. "But, it is something that you have to forgive him for, if you are to be mated."
"Could you forgive him?" I shot back, defensively.
"It is easier for me because I know that his path to the dark was not entirely his own." He explained, his voice gentle. "And, you and I are different."
"Because I'm his mate?" I asked.
Chewie shook his head. "Because he loves you. With or without the mating bond, he loves you."
"Are you suggesting that I become empress and queen of the first order?" I inquired.
He tilted his head to the side. "Of course not." He said, "I'm suggesting that you come to terms with the fact that Ben has some issues that he has to work through, as you do, and the fact that you have to accept his dark side to accept him."
I sniffled, and wiped my nose again. "And what about the mating Bond?"
His blue eyes searched mine. "You have to answer that, Dear One."
The hydraulics hissed as they disengaged, and both of our heads snapped up, to see Malla rush in.
"Malla." Chewie roared in concern. "What is it?"
"Turn on the news caster." She instructed, and he obeyed.
The masked and cloaked form of Kylo Ren filled the holo screen.
"What is this?" I demand.
I didn't get an answer.
"What is this?!" I repeated, nearly screeching.
"The scavenger known as Rey has been free for months, following the murder of our former Supreme Leader, Snoke." His modulated voice crept up my spine, and wrapped icy claws around my heart. "My main focus is finding her, and bringing her to justice. Let it be known, that anyone who harbors this woman, gives her aid, or interferes with her capture will be seen as traitors to The First Order, and treated as such. Since the bounty on her head apparently isn't enough incentive, I'm raising it." My image filled the screen behind him. "One hundred thousand credits to whoever brings her to me dead. Two hundred thousand alive, in any condition."
My mouth went dry.
Two hundred thousand credits. Alive. In any condition.
I looked over at Chewie, who clicked the screen off. "Does he know you're here?" He asked, solemnly.
My head was spinning. My chest heaved as I tried to catch my breath. And, I couldn't think over my pulse thundering in my ears. Ben had gone back to the First Order. He was Kylo Ren. And, the first thing he'd done was increase the bounty on my head. Dead. Or alive. In any condition.
This was a dream. I had to be dreaming.
"Rey." Chewie called, and I blinked.
"Does he know you're here?" He repeated.
I shook my head.
He said something about the planet, and the falcon, but I was desperately trying to wake myself up.
I was shaken roughly, and looked up to see Chewie had grabbed me by my shoulders. "Rey." He said, slowly. "You have to listen to me."
Tears stung my eyes. "He's Kylo Ren. I muttered. "He was Ben, but now he's Kylo Ren." And, it was my fault.
"Listen to me." Chewie said again.
I focused on his face through the blur of tears.
"You cannot stay near me or the Falcon." He told me. "He knows you'll come here, and he knows to look for this ship. You need to take the shuttle from Naboo, and you need to go back to Leia. The Resistance can keep you safe."
I took a shuddering breath.
"Do you understand?" He asked, and I nodded.
Moments later, I was in the shuttle that I'd came here on, watching Kashyyyk disappear as I entered hyperspace.
