It is said that staring at one spot long enough will cause the image to slowly warp into something unrecognizable. Whether it's a trick of the eyes or the brain, Roxas wasn't certain, but he hoped those words were true as he stared at his misshapen body in the mirror. His abdomen was swollen and unsightly. Crawling across his stretched skin were deep purple lines. He no longer had a navel. His back was severely bent in order to accommodate the weight imbalance. He was pale, and his limbs were thinner than they were before this all began. He looked disgusting, he felt disgusting, and he hated looking at his reflection more than anything.
The creature thrashed and wriggled inside him at random intervals, knocking the wind out of him and making him feel sick. It made unreasonable demands on him, punishing him if he did not relent. Carrying it was exhausting and at times painful. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a decent night's sleep. He had grown to hate the thing for the discomfort it caused, and lamented that there seemed to be no end in sight for this horrendous condition he suffered.
On Zexion's recommendation, Saïx had ordered him on bedrest for the remainder of the creature's stay inside his body, but with some convincing from Axel, Roxas was able to strike a deal with the two of them, gaining the privilege of walking about the castle and the occasional supervised visit to the clock tower. In exchange, he was required to be examined daily instead of weekly. The results never seemed to change, but Roxas held up his end of the bargain so that he could enjoy the precious few freedoms he had left. Still, the isolation quickly got old. The searing white aesthetic of the castle's interior wore on his tired eyes just like Castle Oblivion had. The stale air left him feeling just as drained and sickly. And any time he was out of bed, he could never manage to find some space to be alone. Thus, Roxas spent almost every waking hour in his room, wary of Saïx's intrusive eyes watching him as if waiting for him to explode. Roxas had a very large and luxurious prison cell, but it was a prison cell nonetheless.
With a heavy sigh, Roxas reached into his closet to pull out his coat. It struck him then without warning. Intense pain in his abdomen, fierce enough to freeze him in place. He doubled over, gasping for breath as a sickening sensation of crushing pressure clenched inside him. It wasn't the first time it had happened, but it was the strongest one yet. He never knew what to do other than wait it out, quietly counting the seconds and promising himself that this one wouldn't kill him. He closed his eyes, trying not to panic, thinking of Axel and sea salt ice cream and the clock tower. Pleasant thoughts. Deep breaths.
The pain only lasted for a minute or so before it dissipated, just like they always did. As intense as they could get, Roxas took comfort in knowing that they were at least short-lived. Though shaken by the unexpected spasm, he endeavored to put his worries out of his mind and go about his day. He pulled his coat over his head, adjusted the zipper and donned his gloves, then took one last look in the mirror when he was fully dressed. The dark coat concealed the appearance of his belly quite well, as long as he didn't turn to the side. He almost looked normal — like he used to look. To his delight, if only for a moment, Roxas could stare at his reflection and pretend there was nothing wrong with him. But even he knew it was too good to be true.
He left his room and meandered aimlessly down the halls of the castle, taking his sweet time getting to the lab for his daily exam. He was so tired of going in there. The metal table was cold. Zexion's hands were cold. The instruments were cold. The entity jumped whenever Roxas got cold. He sauntered as slowly as he could until finally, he had reached the door to the lab. Unable to procrastinate any longer, he entered, surprised to see Zexion talking to Saïx inside. Great…
"Roxas!" The conversation between the two men ended abruptly upon Roxas' arrival, and Zexion seemed quite flustered as he greeted him.
Roxas fidgeted in the doorway. "You're busy. I can come back…"
"No, no, Roxas, we're wrapping up here," Zexion shuffled some papers around his desk, appearing to search for Roxas' file. "In fact, Saïx wanted to talk with you anyway."
"What did I do this time?"
Saïx spoke up from the shadows. "The situation in Agrabah has become critical. I would have liked to put this off until after Vexen was found, but the giant Heartless is wreaking havoc on the town. It must be exterminated immediately. You and your keyblade are needed."
Roxas couldn't help but notice that Saïx was not looking at him as he relayed the news. In fact, he'd averted his eyes the moment Roxas entered the room and avoided visual contact even after he'd explained the mission. It was a welcome change from his constant unsolicited supervision, yet Roxas could sense an uneasiness in him that he'd not seen before.
"Saïx…" he answered resolutely. "I won't let you down."
A heavy pause followed Roxas' promise. He could feel a change in the atmosphere during that beat of silence. It was becoming a regular occurrence to sense fear and discomfort in his presence, but this particular instance was something else entirely. The tension in the air was positively suffocating, and Roxas wondered with bafflement just which of these men was responsible for the thick cloud of anxiety that filled the space around them, blinding them, smothering them. Was it Zexion, the level-headed aide who could lull one to sleep with his voice alone? Was it Saïx, the stone cold supervisor whose composure couldn't be broken? Was it both of them?
Saïx eventually responded with a solemn nod and turned to the young apprentice. "Zexion, examine him."
"All right, Roxas. You know the drill."
Roxas climbed onto the exam table and lay down, as was the routine. In full view of Saïx, Zexion unzipped his coat and began the examination, pressing into his belly with his predictably cold hands. The creature lurched, as expected, to which the apprentice only giggled and jotted down some notes. He collected his arsenal of tools to scan his patient and began cycling through them one-by-one, each instrument more frigid than the last.
"Anything new going on here?"
Roxas pursed his lips. He hadn't told a soul about the pains — not even Axel — lest he be forced back into bedrest and lose the last shred of liberty he had. He could feel that same tension in the atmosphere rising with every passing second of dead silence. He couldn't avoid the question forever. He had to say something. As if on cue, another spasm fired up in his core, the pressure gripping him with yet another painful clench. He hissed, gripping the sides of the table as his body seized up, startling both Zexion and Saïx with the sudden attack.
"Roxas?" the apprentice leaned over him. "Are you okay?"
Roxas couldn't answer but for a low groan, squeezing his eyes shut and summoning back those uplifting images in his mind. He could feel Zexion's hands digging into him, searching for a cause, but finding none, they were laid on his shoulders.
"Alright. Just relax," he instructed in a lowered voice. "Breathe… breathe slowly, Roxas."
Roxas didn't realize he was hyperventilating until Zexion brought it to his attention. He opened his eyes, staring the apprentice in the face. As he tried to match the rhythm of his breaths, Roxas noticed an eerie sense of calm radiating from him. Where he could feel Saïx's anxiety skyrocket from across the room, he sensed no trepidation from Zexion whatsoever. He figured it was just the man's special talent, always so poised in the face of extreme stress. More so than any of his heavy breathing, that brief glimpse of his perfectly relaxed demeanor was enough to settle Roxas' nerves until the pain began to fade away.
"There, that's good," Zexion praised him. "Looks like it's coming down now."
The spasm ended and Roxas' muscles released with a cascade of shudders. He was catching his breath, casting his gaze away from the piercing eyes of his comrades in a futile attempt to escape the questions he could hear burning in their thoughts. Zexion hadn't let go of him, keeping his hands in place until the shivering stopped. He finally broke the uncomfortable silence with the very question Roxas was expecting he'd ask.
"Roxas, has that happened before?"
It was several seconds before Roxas finally relented with a long exhale. "Yes. They come at random. It's been a few days now…"
To his relief, there was no anger in either of them. He caught sight of Saïx's head dropping into his hand, his fingertips prodding at his forehead. Zexion appeared to almost cringe, troubled by the revelation, but not surprised. "Do you remember when the last one was?"
Roxas scratched his head. "Uh… I was getting dressed. Maybe an hour ago?"
Rather than react, Zexion picked up his clipboard and scribbled down more notes as he wrapped up the examination. He gave Roxas the all clear to put his coat back on, assisting him as he propped himself back upright. "Okay, Roxas. Everything looks fine here. I want you to keep an eye on those pains, okay? Keep track of when they happen, take note of what you were doing at the time. Let's see if we can't figure out what's causing them."
"I'll do my best."
Saïx stepped forward out of his shadowy corner. "Roxas, you may go and wait in the Grey Area. We will follow you shortly."
Roxas hopped down from the table with a nod. "Yes, sir."
The two men watched him leave in tense silence, certain that he could feel their eyes as he walked out the door of the lab. The moment he was gone, Saïx prompted the apprentice. "Talk to me."
Zexion laid down his clipboard with a clatter and a heavy sigh. "He's having contractions, Saïx."
Saïx froze. "Is that what that was?"
"Yes," Zexion replied. "And it looked pretty intense."
The answer was nothing short of appalling. The implications — the direct indications — were downright vile. "Then… Xemnas' ridiculous plan might actually work."
"Most likely."
"How long do we have?"
Zexion shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know. It could start any time now."
"And then what?"
"You know how it all works."
Saïx meandered off toward his corner again, thinking. It was a subject he would never have any use for, and he knew very little, but enough. It was clear by now that it no longer mattered whether or not Roxas was properly equipped. The creature inside him would come when it wanted to, it would choose its own path, and there would be no stopping it. To think that the entity would attempt an exit so violent and gruesome turned his stomach. There had to be another way. Any option would have been better than the one Roxas would have to face instead. If they didn't interfere, then whatever sort of birth process that creature had in store, Saïx couldn't see how Roxas would survive it.
"How deep in it are we, Zexion?"
"We're drowning in it."
Saïx's feelings on the matter had far surpassed repulsion. Now, he was truly disturbed. Pity wasn't enough. Sympathy wasn't enough. No sentiment that he could summon from the depths of his memories would be adequate. He couldn't find sadness or anger to fit the situation. Outrage on behalf of the boy, the victim, didn't feel honest. Saïx could search himself all afternoon, but it would never come to him. All he could feel now was sick.
What would he tell Axel? How would the man react to the news? What would he do if Roxas were to be lost? Would he leave the Organization? What would become of them then? Saïx could hear Xemnas' warnings, his threats. Disembodied voices whispering to him from the inside. From the space where his heart used to be. He winced at a sudden painful stab in his chest, clutching the front of his coat.
"Saïx," Zexion had come closer and laid a hand on his arm, gently, nervously. "Do you want to talk?"
In truth, he did. There were a million things he would have liked to say, and a million more that he wanted — needed to hear. "I can't," he shook his head, defeated. "I'm sorry."
According to the reports, Xemnas was aware of the emotional reawakening of his comrades. They could hide nothing from him, and that truth was never more evident than it was right then. His theory that it was a result of his experiment was intriguing at the very least, and terrifying at the very most. If that were the case, then the emotions — the anger, the fear, the bliss, the 'romantic inclinations' — would they all be lost? Saïx looked to the young apprentice, not at all surprised to see how he, too, was affected. The boy wore it all on his sleeve, an all-too-familiar pain that Saïx wouldn't have wished upon his worst enemy. It was more than likely that Zexion was the one who wanted to talk. But as much as Saïx pitied him, there simply wasn't time for a heart to heart now.
"Come," he waved the apprentice along as he headed for the door. "I want you on call. The instant something goes wrong, they're instructed to bring him back. I'll need you close by to handle him the moment he sets foot back in this castle."
Zexion nodded hesitantly. "I'll bring all the necessary equipment. Let's just hope I don't have to use it…"
Saïx wondered just where Xemnas might be right now. What he might be doing while his underlings scrambled like rats in the maze he built for them. Was he on the roof, celebrating, thanking the moon for its graces? Was he locked away in his study, twirling his moustache and cackling maniacally? Neither seemed to fit his brand of evil, if his actions could even be called that. One could not argue that the Superior took any delight in the suffering of his own subordinates — he merely looked the other way when fate presented him with the choice to stop it or let it continue. The passive route, as always. The path of non-interference.
His reports spoke of breakthroughs and miracles, the key to humanity, an ultimate reward. But such uplifting language was speckled with words like impatience and sacrifice. Xemnas was letting the experiment run its course, tapping his foot and checking his watch, watching Roxas deteriorate all according to his plan and calling it an answer to his prayers. Were that truly the case, Saïx shuddered to think what the Superior could be praying for. Even with all the information they'd uncovered, they could only speculate on just who or what the man had created. Be it man or monster, its hostile nature had been asserted with growing volume. Sending Roxas on this mission today would certainly upset the beast, and Saïx could almost guarantee that he'd see the boy brought back in pieces.
But, alongside everything, the reports mentioned hope. It was such an odd thing to hear from the Superior, yet not surprising in the least. A Nobody could hope just as much as any human could, just as a Nobody could have wishes, desires. A Nobody could long for something, just as they all longed for their hearts. As a whole, they carried the same hope that their humanity would be returned to them some day, even if that hope was misguided and empty. But for the moment, hope was the only thing Saïx could grasp. When he could do nothing else, he would simply have to hope that this mission would not spell the end for Roxas. That Vexen might be found before it was too late. That the creature would be coaxed out of Roxas at last, and perhaps it would spare its host in the process.
It was no use wishing on the Organization's behalf, hoping for the completion of Kingdom Hearts. What good would come from regaining their hearts if they would not be free to embrace them? Saïx let himself indulge for a moment. Let himself be selfish, to just hope for his own sake. He could hope that Xemnas would develop the same doubts as the rest of them. That he would remember all the other victims he'd made of his comrades, and would endeavor not to create any more. Saïx could hope that the Superior would loosen his shackles — on Roxas, on the others, on himself. That he would grant them that freedom at last. He hoped that a day would come when they could put this whole mess behind them, and that Axel might still be there on the other side, waiting for him when they did.
Roxas had performed more giant Heartless exterminations than he could count. He'd been to Agrabah dozens of times with several different Organization members. He knew the terrain, he knew the climate, he knew their target, and he knew his objective. This mission was typical, right up his alley, and yet it was anything but routine. There were stakes this time. There was risk involved. And today, Roxas dared to let himself feel excited to be going.
"I trust you are all aware of your objective?"
Saïx had just finished explaining the operation to the rest of the team. Roxas was to be accompanied by Lexaeus, Xaldin, Axel, Xigbar, and Marluxia, along with a small squadron of Dusks. The backup was a little overkill, but Roxas could find nothing to complain about this time. Not even the sweltering heat or the troublesome sand could crush his spirits today. All six men nodded in unison, and Saïx, satisfied, lowered his clipboard and spoke to Xigbar.
"Xigbar, you're in charge. This is just as much an escort mission as an extermination. Roxas must be protected at all costs, and I want him strictly monitored. If the battle takes hours, it takes hours. If Roxas needs to rest, he rests. At the first sign of trouble, the mission is forfeit and you bring him back," he turned to the others. "Do not deviate from the script — we cannot risk a single mistake. Have I made myself clear?"
Another chorus of silent nods followed his question, and his tense posture seemed to relax very slightly. "Very well. Roxas," he addressed the keyblade wielder. "Good luck."
A dark corridor was opened, and one by one, team members were filing through. Following closely behind Roxas, Axel was bringing up the rear when Saïx reached out and tugged his sleeve.
"Axel," he said flatly. "If you get hurt—"
"You'll spank me. I know," Axel winked before making his exit with a wave. "Bye!"
Roxas could already feel the smothering heat of the desert the moment he'd crossed from cool tile into warm sands. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky, nor a tree in sight to block out the unforgiving rays of the sun. Although Roxas could already feel himself beginning to sweat, he refused to let the discomfort crush his spirits. It had been so long since he'd been on a mission, he would have accepted any condition if it meant he'd be allowed to work again.
When everyone had made it to the other side and stood together on an empty dune, Xigbar distributed bottles of water as he delivered his instructions. "Okay, class, we're doing it live! Hope you're show ready, 'cause we're not getting a practice run!"
Xaldin leaned over to nudge Lexaeus, speaking in a low voice that was brimming with anticipation. "This should be fun."
Lexaeus matched his competitive grin. "I look forward to the challenge."
Xigbar continued over their banter. "Alright, ladies, the plan is we whittle it down and then Roxas jumps in to finish him off. Marluxia takes point, Lexaeus and Xaldin will be our tanks and cover the ground work beside him. Axel and me will bring up the rear and stick to aerial attacks and projectiles. Kiddo, you stay back and let us handle the dirty work," he gestured to every team member as he listed the order of operations, then addressed the group as a whole once more. "Once we've got him down to maybe a quarter or so, focus on attacks that will stun him so Roxas can rush in without any fuss. I want that thing on the ground when it's his turn. Any questions?"
There was only silence and a few shaken heads in response. Xigbar took the lead and indicated for the rest to follow him. "Alright, then. We're off!"
Axel turned and patted Roxas on the shoulder. "You feeling good, Roxas?"
"I feel fine," Roxas nodded eagerly. "Let's do this."
The group began their trek in the direction of town, scanning the horizon for signs of their target. Sand was blowing in all directions, severely limiting their vision as it nearly embedded in their eyes. They pulled up their hoods, squinting against the blinding sun as they waded through the dunes. Their feet sunk with every step, demanding twice the effort just to walk toward their destination. It was not long before groans could be heard among them.
"Ugh, already sweating…"
"I hate this world…"
"I'll be shaking sand out of my hair for days after this…"
"Hey, no whiners allowed in my show," Xigbar scolded his comrades playfully. "Don't make me turn this production around."
The grumbling ceased as the team continued to traverse the dunes, having seen neither hide nor hair of their target. Of any Heartless, for that matter. As they grew closer and closer to town, Roxas began to wonder if the creature was even still around. Maybe they were too late and it had already destroyed the town and taken its leave. Or, he shuddered as he thought, perhaps it was hiding, waiting for just the right moment to leap out of the sand and take them all by surprise. His excitement shifted into nerves, but, no less determined, he pressed on, shielding his face as he huffed and panted his way through the desert.
"You good, Roxas?" Axel touched his shoulder. "You need a break?"
"We just got here. I'm fine."
Axel paused slightly. "Okay, just make sure you have some water and be careful not to—"
"I know, Axel."
Hearing his sharp tone, Axel backed off. It was only a few more paces after the exchange that they saw the telltale dust cloud in the distance. The sand was thick and dark as it swirled about in a cyclone formation, raging across the desert more quickly than any of them had ever seen it travel.
Marluxia stroked his chin. "Well, well… there's our target," the observation was perfectly timed, as the creature ascended from beneath the surface of the sand, wiggling its many jointed legs and clicking its enormous pincers in a threatening manner. "You guys weren't kidding. He's massive."
Axel scoffed, speaking with an air of confidence. "Nothing we can't handle."
Xaldin stepped forward, taking a fighting stance and practically foaming at the mouth. "Excellent! Let's crush him!"
Xigbar laid a hand on his shoulder. "Yeah, settle down there, Beefcake," he turned to the rest. "Form up!"
The team assumed their positions, awaiting Xigbar's command. The Heartless was wading through the sand as easily as if it were water, still partially submerged beneath the surface. Every so often it would dive below, vanishing from sight before reappearing somewhere else almost instantly. The smaller creatures seemed to surround it like a shield, flying as one unit as they circled the giant monster. As far as anyone could see, the creature had no visible weak point, as its body was armored with a sturdy exoskeleton. Roxas supposed they'd have to find some way to not only thin out the numbers of the smaller Heartless, but also coax the behemoth out from the sand and onto its back so that they could target its underside. Knowing the magnitude of the task laid before them, Roxas was beginning to understand why Saïx would send half the Organization to eliminate the creature.
They'd been spotted. The beast was coming toward them, taking its swarm of flyers and its tempest of sand along with it. Xigbar held his arms out, restraining his team. "Hold your positions!"
If Roxas didn't know any better, he'd say the monster was angry. It charged at them at full speed, emitting its battle cries of raspy, buzzing roars. The sound was deafening, like a symphony of cicadas all beating their wings in unison. Roxas summoned his keyblade, fully expecting the horde to intercept them before Xigbar was able to give the order. The rest of the team followed suit, and just when the Heartless were nearly on top of them, Xigbar shouted over the buzzing and whistling in the air.
"Wait for it… and… break!"
The five of them charged toward the gargantuan beast, guns ablaze and cheering wildly. As ordered, Roxas called up a handful of Dusks that stood obediently in a circle around him to act as a flimsy barrier between him and the enemy, but thankfully, their presence didn't obstruct his view of the production taking place nearly a hundred feet away. From his safe distance, Roxas watched as his comrades swept through the sands, weapons swinging, projectiles flying, leaping and dashing in all directions as they battled the creatures. Flashes of thunder and flames lit up the ground. Puffs of dark smoke burst in the air as the smaller Heartless fell by the dozen. Even if he wasn't fighting, Roxas could admit that he was at least very entertained.
Axel broke from the group and hurried toward him, wiping his forehead and panting heavily. "How ya doin', Roxas?"
"I'm fine. At least I'm getting a decent show."
"And with no rehearsal!" Axel beamed. "We ought to take our little troupe to Broadway!"
"What's a Broadway?"
Xigbar was calling for him, and Axel quickly summoned his chakrams. "Gotta get back in there. You stay here and chill, buddy. Your big solo is coming up!"
He took off and rejoined the fight, leaving Roxas to admire the action awhile longer. The absolute spectacle of it all — the thunderous shockwaves from Lexaeus' axe and the quick, vicious swipes of Marluxia's scythe — it was like attending a sporting event. Roxas took it all in with wide eyes and an open jaw. He was fascinated by the sight of Xaldin's spears piercing through the creature's defenses with ease. Xigbar's arrowguns took down the flying Heartless with expert precision. Axel's flaming chakrams burned through the horde, leaving only ashes in their wake. It was an incredible show, and Roxas was pumped. He could hardly wait for his turn. He tightly gripped the handle of his keyblade, practically trembling with the anticipation. Any minute now. He was more than ready.
He'd been watching Marluxia and Xaldin perform a rather impressive team attack when something else caught his attention. Axel was clearing away a cluster of flying Heartless, completely unaware of an odd appendage that had broken the surface of the sand behind him. The creature's tail, Roxas supposed. It was long and tapered with spiked fins, likely to aid in its sand-swimming. Roxas gaped in horror as it inched ever closer to Axel, sneaking up behind him and preparing for a surprise attack.
"Axel, watch out!" he cried loudly. Axel turned, but was too late. The tail reared back and struck him, sending him crashing to the ground a few feet away.
"Axel!"
Roxas nudged the Dusks aside and was staggering down the hill toward his friend when he was halted by Xigbar's voice. "Roxas, stay where you are!"
Xigbar bolted to the man's side and lifted him back to his feet. Axel took a moment to shake off the vertigo and roll his shoulder a few times. "Man, this guy packs a wallop!"
"You okay?" Xigbar asked warily, brushing the sand off of Axel's coat.
"Yeah, I'm good. He just surprised me," Axel stretched his injured joint some more, wincing slightly. "What even was that?"
"I don't know, but you got lucky. Watch your back, man!"
The pair split and the fight resumed. Axel's movements were strained and a bit sloppy now, and he stopped to catch his breath much more often than he had previously. Roxas cringed as he watched, wishing he could just jump in and take his place. Thankfully, the numbers of flying Heartless were falling, and the giant creature was weakening. Roxas measured the steady decline of the Heartless' stamina, and when around thirty percent of its full health remained, Xigbar broke away from the combat to warn him.
"Get ready, kiddo, it's almost your turn."
Roxas nodded, ready to pounce. "I'm ready."
As its health neared the quarter mark, the monster became far more aggressive in its desperation to survive. It snapped its massive pincers indiscriminately, whipping its tail in all directions and throwing waves of sand over fifty feet high. The team was taking damage, activating their limit breaks and narrowly missing blow after devastating blow. Axel, after completing a lengthy and destructive combo, landed back on the ground just in time to dodge another swipe and called over to the team's leader.
"I think this is as good as it's gonna get, Xigbar!"
Xigbar nodded and warped back onto the field. "All right, form up!"
At his command, the team huddled back into their positions, standing at the ready while Xigbar waved Roxas forward.
"Take it away, Roxas!"
"Break a leg, buddy!"
It was the moment he'd been waiting for. Roxas didn't hesitate. With a deep exhale, he broke into a full sprint, barreling toward the creature with a fierce glare of determination in his eyes. For the first time in many months, he felt light and limber. He moved swiftly, just like he used to, as if his affliction had simply disappeared for the day. He could feel his weapon vibrating between his fingers. It had been ages since he'd had the chance to use it, but his abilities hadn't faltered in the slightest. The hilt was perfectly fitted to his hand, and the weight of its blade was exactly as he remembered. It whipped through the air quite smoothly when he swung it, cutting through the Heartless like butter as he chiseled down its remaining stamina. In no time at all, he had the creature stunned, lying on its back, perfectly defenseless.
Teeth bared and roaring wildly, Roxas leaped into the air, taking aim at the monster's exposed underside as he soared overhead. It was thick and fleshy, slightly distended, not unlike his own. In just that split second Roxas spent in flight, staring down at his vulnerable target, he started to feel heavy again. He began to see, to think, to wonder. He began to remember. The Cheshire Cat's cryptic messages, the strange figures in his reflection, the voices, the dreams… Roxas closed his eyes to shut out the distractions, to focus his thoughts. He had a job to do. He promised Saïx that he wouldn't let him down. He had to prove that he could still do this. The Organization needed him and his keyblade, and Roxas wasn't about to disappoint them now.
When he opened his eyes again, glancing at the Heartless' bulbous, wriggling underside, he saw just what he needed to see. A creature. A monster. Ugly and disgusting as expected. The repulsion only served as fuel for Roxas' fight, and, targeting the creature's obvious weak point, he dove blade-first into its belly. The monster began to writhe and squeal for a few moments before, just like the others, it vanished into a puff of smoke and darkness. Upon its death, the whirlwind of sand dissipated, and the remaining smaller Heartless fell into piles of dust. It was over. The creatures were gone. The dunes were eerily quiet and still, leaving only Roxas and his five comrades standing ankle-deep in sand, speechless and staring at the brand new emptiness. Their mission was complete. They'd won.
"Yes! You did it, Roxas!"
"Spectacular performance for someone in his condition."
"Yee-haw! What a riot! Good work, fellas!"
The men behind him were whooping and cheering, exchanging high fives and pats on the back from their positions about a dozen feet up the hill. They were praising him, applauding him. Proud of him. He could hardly believe it. It must have been the first time, as Roxas hadn't a clue how to respond. His chest fluttered and his face broke into a smile wider than he'd ever cracked before. This was happiness. He'd nearly forgotten what it felt like. So warm and soft, but buzzing with energy. He could have melted on the spot. Beaming, he turned to acknowledge the compliments of his team with an enthusiastic wave. For once, he was useful again. For once, he had a purpose there. For once, he felt a sense of belonging and camaraderie among his teammates — his brothers. He'd have taken down a hundred more giant Heartless if it meant this feeling would never end. Roxas would not forget this day for as long as he lived.
Just as he was wishing he could take a bow, it happened. The pain struck him through the middle yet again, knocking the wind out of him, forceful enough to bring him to his knees. He dropped his keyblade and collapsed onto all fours, heaving violently and trying to catch his breath. Not now… Please, not now…
"Roxas?" he heard the rapid shuffling of his comrades' footsteps approaching. Axel was first to reach him, kneeling beside him with a hand on his back. "Buddy, talk to me…"
"I'm fine, Axel, I just—" The pressure began to clench and Roxas' voice was cut off. He could hear the others whispering, could feel them staring at him. They muttered under their breaths to each other with dread in their voices.
"Uh oh…"
"Is he okay?"
"Okay, just relax…"
Roxas covered his face in shame, but the damage was done. He was right back to being an animal in a cage, displayed prominently for his friends to gawk at. What a fool he was to think he could ever be anything more. He could feel their nerves humming in the atmosphere like static threatening to shock anyone who touched them. He could sense their fear. That closeness, that sense of belonging was gone, replaced with an unbearable sort of distance like a glass wall or a wire fence. A barrier just thick enough to get the message across. Roxas' fingers curled into fists as his own anxiety transformed into seething rage. As if in response to the burst of anger, the pain in his abdomen skyrocketed and he cried out before he could restrain himself.
"I think that's our cue, Maestro."
"Shit, let's go, boys! Get him out of here!"
"I've got you, Roxas," Axel was lifting him, supporting him as they began to walk. "It's okay, just lean on me."
Roxas was practically hanging off of Axel as they passed through the dark corridor. His legs were shaking and wouldn't bear his weight. He still kept his face covered, refusing to look anyone in the eye when he entered the Grey Area.
Axel guided him to the nearest sofa. "Okay, buddy, come on, let's sit down…"
"What happened?" Saïx asked urgently. "Was he hurt?"
"No, the mission was a rousing success, went off without a hitch. He just went down at the last minute."
There were more hands grabbing at him, lowering him into the soft cushions, more voices giving him instructions. "Here, Roxas, take a seat," Xigbar said, always the best at masking the concern in his tone. "You did good."
The pain had long since faded away by the time he was seated. Roxas supposed he had probably over exerted himself and the entity inside him protested. When his breathing had leveled, he spoke up in a hopeless attempt to settle the others' nerves. "I'm fine, you guys…"
The static in the air only amplified. Voices were raised, overlapping as they threw commands left and right. Half a dozen cloaked figures were crowding around him, closing in, suffocating him with their anxiety. Twice as many eyes were piercing through to his soul, watching him intently. The noise was overwhelming. Roxas could hardly breathe.
"Get him some water!"
"Put his legs up!"
"Seriously, I'm fine!"
"Zexion, examine him, quickly."
"Let me get that sand off ya…"
"Roxas, here's a towel for your face…"
"Would you all just stop it?!"
Having had enough, Roxas snapped at them, swatting them away and climbing back to his feet in a huff. "This is hard enough without you all coddling me like I'm made of glass! I feel heavy and tired, but I completed my mission and I didn't break. Now would you all quit staring at me for once?!"
His outburst silenced them, but his pleas accomplished nothing, for they all continued to gape at him without a word. Only moments ago, these men were cheering for him. They celebrated his achievement with thunderous applause and high praise. But now, those same faces that smiled as they congratulated him were now cringing in pity and shame. Those same hands that clapped in approval for him now wrung with visible apprehension. Even Axel, who Roxas thought he could depend on to treat him like he was still a normal person, stood with the rest and said nothing. His best friend, someone he was supposed to trust, who was supposed to be different from the others. Roxas should have known it was too good to be true. Axel wasn't going to rock the boat for his sake. He was just the same as everybody else — complacent.
Saïx stepped forward to break the uncomfortable silence. "All of you, take a break. We will continue the search for Vexen with the evening shift," he turned to Roxas as the others dispersed. "Roxas, you did well today. Take some time to rest."
"Back in the cage?" Roxas hissed, glaring hotly at him. Part of him hoped to see that glimmer of concern from that morning during the examination. Saïx almost looked human then as he stood in the shadows, nervously biting his lip as Roxas was struck with another of the mysterious pains. It was refreshing to sense the clouds of anxiety wafting off the man from across the room, but now he was right back to being his usual blank slate. His face was infuriatingly empty, devoid of all emotion, and it was clear that he wasn't going to respond. Without another word, Roxas turned on his heel and stormed out of the room, paying no heed to the tardy protests from Axel.
"Roxas!"
"Let him go, Lea."
Saïx threw an arm out to halt Axel from chasing after the boy. One glance at the stern look on his face made it obvious that the man knew something. Axel could see the weight of secrets in his eyes, and could sense the sheer magnitude of the effort Saïx employed to contain them. He returned the authoritative glower with one of his own, piercing through to Saïx's mind, silently imploring him to speak. He thought things were changing. He'd witnessed the shifts himself. All those flashes of emotion — those subtle hints of humanity — where had they gone? Those faint echoes of a heart — the brief glimpses of Isa — were they all meaningless? With only his pleading expression, Axel begged him to explain, only to be disappointed by his silence once again.
Zexion stepped in, carefully taking hold of his arm. "Okay, Axel, let's have a look at that shoulder…"
Making use of the distraction, Saïx headed swiftly for the door without looking back.
"Isa, wait."
"I have a report to write."
Saïx didn't even pause as he made his exit, strolling out into the hall with his long coat billowing behind him. Defeated, Axel dropped his head, reluctantly submitting to Zexion's unsolicited inspection of his injury.
"Well, it doesn't look too bad. Just a little strained is all," he concluded. "It's still healing quite nicely."
"What do you know, Zexion?"
The apprentice started. "Huh?"
"What has he told you?"
He hesitated before responding, all but confirming Axel's suspicions. "It isn't my place to say."
"Zexion, I'm trying to salvage my relationship with this guy. If he's opening up to you—"
"It's not like that," Zexion insisted. "Look, I gave him my word and he trusted me. It's not my story to tell."
It was clear that Axel would be getting no answers from him. He sighed, having grown weary of all the dead ends. First Roxas, then Saïx, now Zexion. All the poking and prodding in the world would not grant him a peek into their thoughts. No matter how he knocked, all doors were shut tight and locks were sealed. And, he supposed, he more than deserved to sit in the dark. He was just as guilty of breaking trusts, spitting half-truths everywhere he went. He hadn't earned their confidence in the slightest. Now, he was merely reaping what he'd sewn.
"Give it a couple days," Zexion said, lightly massaging the surrounding muscles. "It should start feeling better as long as you go easy on it."
"Thanks, Zexion."
Axel jerked out of Zexion's grasp and made to leave. Once again, he wasn't sure where he would go. It was too soon to confront Saïx, too late to apologize to Roxas. At this point, his own room — with only the bare walls for company — was his only option.
"Wait."
Zexion's voice stopped him in his tracks. The apprentice was trembling and fidgeting, staring at the floor as he spoke softly. "He's just trying to protect you," he confessed with a shaking voice. "He doesn't want you to get hurt again. So please… leave it be."
Well, Axel thought, at least this window is still open. He could read Zexion so clearly. He could feel that dull throb of human empathy in his chest. The glistening look in his eyes that said I get it. The tremors in his voice, reminding him that we have all been where he is. The warmth of understanding and the heaviness of guilt. A weariness that told him he was no longer just a kid in need of a big brother. Zexion was a man now. He'd seen all the same horrors as the rest of them. He'd made all the same mistakes. Endured all the same pain. Axel ached on his behalf, that the young boy he knew had grown old enough to know such regret.
He didn't get the chance to give Roxas that hug. If Axel had any sense at all, he'd have marched up those stairs and squeezed the kid until his eyeballs popped out of his skull. And if he was feeling especially bold, he would then advance on Saïx and hug him senseless as well. But he couldn't. Not yet. It was too risky. Axel was tired — tired of the daily grind of waiting, watching, hoping, of painting on that smile and playing pretend — and his strength would falter in his fatigued state. It all took an enormous toll — one that he was more than willing to pay. After all, someone had to do it.
Tomorrow, Axel would wake up and do it all over again. Until then, he would just rest. And so for now, the only embrace he wanted to feel was that of the drugs and the sleep.
I've waited a long time to post this one! Thanks as always for keeping up with this story and for all the love you give me. I am honored that we are making this journey together!
We have a Discord! If you want to talk about your favorite Kingdom Hearts ships, discuss fan fiction, look at fan art, or anything else KH related, come and join us!
discord. gg/ ffy5E8G
Peace and love!
Ostelan
