Chapter 15: Long Road

P O V: Olivia Benson

"Good news comes in two Amanda; You're in remission and, we found a match." Dr. Callisto's words break our spell as we come out of our trance, it's been almost a week since I first kissed Amanda, now I can't seem to stop I haven't had much time to process what it all means. I'm confused on many levels never in my life have I had a crush on a woman before. Never once did I fantasize about making love to a woman. Until now, I don't know why Amanda has set my sails to this course.

Is it love?

Curiosity? Sympathy? All I know with 100% certainty is I do not want to stop kissing her, touching her, smelling her. Laying in bed next to her, I clear my throat, squiring up to be a little more professional. Dr. Callisto, however, smiles blushing; she doesn't seem to mind. "I could warn you about the danger of germs at this stage in treatment, Amanda, but I know you know and won't stop doing what you are doing. So I'll save my breath."

She laughs loudly the first time I've heard her laugh in a while. "You said we have a match?" "Yes, two, in reality, both Kim and Noah matched. As you know, to get a match, Doctors match donors to patients based on their human leukocyte antigen (HLA) tissue type. HLA are proteins, or markers, found on most cells in your body. Our immune system uses these markers to recognize which cells belong in our body and which do not. A close HLA match between donor and patient is the most important matching factor. We all have many HLA markers. Half are inherited from our mother and a half from our father, so each brother and sister who shares the same parents have a 25% chance (1 in 4) of being a close HLA match. Extended family members are not likely to be close HLA matches. But about 70% (7 out of 10) of patients who need a transplant won't have a fully matched donor in their family. Research has found that a donor must match a minimum of 6 HLA markers. HLA matching is usually based on 10 HLA molecules. Noah has matched nine out of ten, Kim matched six out of ten."

I find my body stiffening. I know Noah wants to help, but the thought of my son undergoing such a risky producer makes me sick. I can feel Amanda stiffen as well. "I don't want Noah going through this please use Kim, Dr. Callisto." "Amanda, I understand your concern; Noah is very young; however, he is in perfect health."

"He has an understanding of what is to be expected of him, what is involved, and has already personally come to me and asked me to consider him as a donor for whoever he matches." this is news to me, shocking news. I try to contain my shock though and let Amanda do the talking this is her life.

"There are other factors that we look for as well, Amanda, also information that is not new to you." She nods, coughing, "We look for the donor's age, gender, blood type, height, and weight. Medical history, Kim has used drugs in the past, shared needles with other users, had unprotected sex. Therefore we did a battery of tests on her even more invasive than regular screening, unfortunately, we discovered she has Hepatitis B. Which makes her unable to donate, we have contacted Kim and advised her to get treatment. Right now, though, I need to focus on you."

If Amanda is shocked, she doesn't respond; she just merely nods yawing her lower lip is tucked in between her teeth. "Fine, if Noah is okay with this and Liv is on board, I'll move forward, I want to live if he's my best option then let's do it."

"Mrs. Benson, are you alright with this?"

"May I please talk to my son?" "Yes, of course, I haven't told him yet, he's in the playroom with the rest of the kids." "Thank you, Amanda, honey; I'll be back." She smiles, kissing me, "I'll be here, Liv." Getting up, I head down to the playroom amazed at how peaceful it feels here, even for a hospital St. Jude has a resounding strength of hope, joy. There are no words to describe St. Jude. Everything is designed, so families only worry about loving their children. The walls are colorful murals painted by patients, families, survivors of cancer.

"Noah, sweet-Boy, can you come here, please?" He bounces off the floor where he was kneeling at racing towards me paint covering his fingers. The picture of boyish innocence, "Yes, Mama, is everything okay with Aunt Amanda?"

"Let's walk, are you hungry?"

"No, we had lunch Mama; they make a mean mac and cheese here, and hot dogs yummy. But I suppose I could go for some ice cream." "Ice Cream it is honey." we head to the Northside where the Kay Kafe is located. He skips ahead, whistling spinning around, making airplane circles with his arms laughing. "Ryan is so excited, Mama, tonight he becomes a cop! I can't believe you and Aunt Amanda and her friends pulled this together so fast; twenty kids will become sworn Tennessee Police officers thanks to you."

"It is very cool, Noah; I agree it's what Amanda and I swear to do when we took our oaths to help people."

"That's what I want to do Mama help people, but I don't want to wait till I am older. I want to help people now."

"That's very good, Noah, it's why I wanted to talk to you." He settles down at the table as I order the food and drinks sliding down next to him. "you remember how you got tested when we first got here to be a potential donor for Amanda to get the transplant she needs."

"Yes, Kim and I both did."

"Well, you matched sweetie; what I need to know is if you truly understand what this means." "I do Mama." he digs into the ice cream eagerly so much for not being hungry, which makes me wonder if he can't even figure out if he's hungry how can he make a decision as life alerting as this. "Yeah, I do my new friend Bryan explained it to me, he's the older brother to Megan he donated to her last year, he said a bone marrow transplant can be two different types. In autologous transplants, patients receive their own bone marrow cells, which were previously taken from the patient and stored for later use. This process is called harvesting. Autologous transplants are often used for patients who have solid tumors or lymphomas that are at high risk of treatment failure. Amanda has Leukemia, though, so this wouldn't work for her; she needs what is called an allogeneic transplant; it's where patients receive bone marrow cells from another person. Allogeneic transplants are often used to treat high-risk leukemias or lymphomas, immunodeficiencies, bone marrow failure diseases, and sickle cell disease."

"Wow, you learned a lot Noah." he nods smiling "Yeah, kids know a lot more than what grownups want to believe we do, we have to learn what's happening to our bodies, and to those of the people we love."

"Amanda is really sick, Mama, I know you don't want to acknowledge it, but she is sick enough to die." "I can help her beat death; I know there's no 100% guarantee that my marrow will work, it could fail, or Amanda could develop Graft-versus-host disease (GVHD)."

"Which is very dangerous to people recovering from transplant because they have no immune system to fight off infections. Zenko died last week from GVHD."

"Who is Zenko, Noah?"

"He was the little boy in 132A; he had ALL. He was six Mama, a cute little boy from Twain whose dad came with him, Mr. Zang was awesome at organizing games, he had all of laughing."

"He was brilliant too. He spoke five languages, Mama, five!" Noah has me cracking up as he holds up five fingers his eyes wide. "Noah, I need you to understand that if you do this and it fails, you can't have your marrow back, and it wouldn't be your fault sometimes these things just don't work."

"I know Mama, I'm good I want to do this, there's less risk to me than to aunt Amanda Mama. A Bone marrow donation is a surgical procedure that takes place in a hospital operating room. Doctors use needles to withdraw liquid marrow from both sides of my back and pelvic bone. They will give me anesthesia. Mama, I won't feel any pain during the donation. After donation, the liquid marrow will be transported to Amanda for transplant."

"I know there will be side effects Mama; I am prepared for that the doctors said I could experience back or hip pain, Fatigue, Throat pain, Muscle pain, Insomnia, Headache, Dizziness, Loss of appetite, Nausea. I'm young though Mama and kids bounce back quickly. I'm also a dancer, so I am healthy and fit. Please don't say any, Mama. I wan to do this."

Tears stream down. I hug Noah when did he retain so much knowledge? How did I miss it? "Okay, Noah let's do this." "Yay!"

We celebrate the last night before she returns to isolation by throwing a pizza party her uncle and cousins come down, Fin, Kat, and Erin all fly down from New York with our uniforms. Her friends all show up. The entire hospital comes out in full force to see these kids get sworn into being an officer. As we get changed, Erin, Kat, and I all help Amanda do her makeup and adjust her uniform. I can see the change in her already. Even though we don't wear the uniform as detectives on a daily, it still means something to us. It represents the oath we took, the reason why we get up each morning, and risk what we risk. We protect the community, the streets, that we serve; we're motivated to do amazing and often selfless acts. We have integrity and loyalty like no other profession.

Watching these kids walk to the podium makes me smile even though their not becoming cops, the look on their faces is priceless. To them, this is real Amanda steps forward along with Chief Daniels as the twenty-one gun salute rings out. It's so real it reminds me of being at the NYPD annual swear in where recruits are declared in each year. Clearing her throat, Amanda adjusts the Mic. He looks so beautiful so healthy no one could ever know she's battling a severe illness. In fact, most of these kids look completely normal; all of them are wearing official blue uniforms. "Good evening everyone, thank you for coming out here tonight to support these fantastic recruits.

"I'm Amanda Rollins First Grade detective with the NYPD; tonight, we are here to honor these twenty brilliant, strong, loyal, integrity filled young men and women who have worked harder than most people will ever understand."

"First up, we have Ryan, who has been living with a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma."

"Ryan wished to be a police officer because he thought it would be fun to be a policeman he is very interested to learn about 'all the cool things they do like arresting bad guys. In a day and age where Police officers are being scrutinized daily in the headlines, judged and hated by society it's refreshing to see so many young bloods wanting to join the ranks. So let's all give a round of sound to Memphis Officer Ryan Frank."

Gun salutes go off as the crowd starts to cheer, clapping as I pin the medal and badge to the young boy who's smile lights up his whole face. "Ryan, are there any words you would like to say?" "Yes! Thank you to everyone who is apart of this beautiful ceremony, I know that this is only for show, but this will live forever in my memory as the highlight of my seven – years on earth. I may never get to live to grow up to see my dreams come true, but this will provide a memory for my parents to look back on and know I was happy. I mattered, and my life had an impact. So thank you to everyone here today."

Amanda, Fin, Kat, Erin and I all take turns reading names and pinning medals and badges to each kid who all smile and have a funny or inspiration speech to make. By the end of the night, we're all exhausted but grinning ear to ear. Amanda takes time to spend with each of her family members and friends.

Holding her tight under the fireworks, I kiss her passionately, "Your eyes are radiant Amanda, they remind me of trumpets on the fourth of July." She laughs, "Your cute Liv, thank you I needed that, but honestly no eyes compare to yours, they sparkle in hope and love. They give me the strength I need to fight this monster, Liv. They offer me a promise."

"Well I promise to be your anchor, your harbor and your light Amanda, you just promise me you won't give up."

"I promise Olivia. Thank you." "Thank me for real Amanda." she smiles softly, touching my lips with her fingers tilting my head back. I lift her hands, wrapping them around my waist. I have the briefest moment of satisfaction at the pure shock and lust on her face, before my body presses against her soft curves, and her mouth claims my lips as their own.

I can still taste that kiss weeks later.

The very next day, Amanda had a central line placed into her chest, allowing her to give blood samples and receive medicines through the vein quickly. She had to undergo extensive testing before the transplant. This pre-transplant appointment included blood work, tests to check the health of major organs, and meetings with members of our multidisciplinary/support teams. After days of testing, she was moved to the transplant unit. The conditioning regimen began, also known as the preparative regimen, prepared her body to receive Noah's cells. Her regimen consisted of chemotherapy combined with radiation. That lasted 14 days. She was in total isolation and incredibly sick her counts dropped, she ran fevers, vomited consistently, had diarrhea, Mouth, tongue, and throat problems sores and pain with swallowing. Even water made her choke. I had to wear a gown, gloves, face shield, mask to even be in the room with her; I could only see her for 15 minutes every two hours. She was too out of it to know who I was half the time. Even when she did recognize me, she was in so much pain all she could do was moan, and vomit. Her muscles became tense, to the touch, she started to shake.

While Amanda was going through the physical aspects, I was left in charge of the paperwork. Because she's not a child, she was responsible for paying. The amount of what it cost still shakes me $400,000, thankfully our insurance is decent and will pay for at least half of it. I feel for those who can't afford it. Without treatment, they would die.

Amanda had chosen to have a full code if any complications arose. Yet she could be recovered maintain a healthy life; she would be revived if she would be a vegetable or had a diminishing life quality she wanted to be let go. I had to sign as her legal guardian to make any choices for her if she couldn't. I spent a lot of time prying for strength and healing vibes.

Day 15, she was infused with Noah's cells I held his hand as he lay in bed after the surgery was done. He amazed me so young, so wise so brave. I thanked God for bringing this beauty into my life. When he woke, he was sore but smiling "I saw Jesus Mommy when I was asleep he told me to tell you that Ed wants you to experience Paris with Amanda, he thinks your real cute together." I couldn't speak or move, "He said to tell you he is sorry, but he wants you to be happy and to stop grieving for what you can't control." Noah fell back to sleep as tired as I am, I wondered if I had just dreamed that because when he woke up again, he looked at me as if I was crazy when I asked him again. "Can I have ice cream?"

I left confused but feeling a sense of peace I haven't felt in a long time. A week later, Amanda was released from the hospital to Aisling and Presley's beautiful home. I had learned how to clean her line, keep it clean of infection and backup. I helped her to keep track of all her medications on a dry erase board. Some had to be taken with food, others on an empty stomach. Some had to be taken two hours after dairy. Everyday she had to go back to receive transfusions, fluids, an anti-nausea medication. There were some tough days like when her white blood cell count dropped, no immune system. Her weight dropped, her blood pressure became very low dangerously low. Her moods were erratic; some days, she would snap at us for no reason, other days she was happy laughing singing, kissing me.

Amanda and Noah developed a very close relationship; she helped him with his homework; he taught how to make videos on Tic Tok. The current craze is a song called Savage, which had the two of them plus Aisling and Presley falling all over each other laughing.

Some days she was too weak to get out of bed so that we would lay in bed, read the bible, or share stories about our pasts. We got to know private things about each other that neither of us ever told anyone else. "I still want to find my biological parents Liv, I know it shouldn't matter biology only makes up so much of who we are it's our memories, our history that truly define us. Still, there's a part of me that craves the knowledge of who I am where I come from, do I have brothers or sisters. Nieces or nephews. There may be two parents out there who truly loved their daughter and have grieved for the loss of their child all these years."

"I understand, Amanda, and I promise when you are healthy, and back to work, you will be given full access to investigate right now you need to focus on getting well. So do me a favor and close your eyes, Amanda." Stroking her hair, I kiss her head "God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which God can't lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm, and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain."

That night was the worst one, yet she woke up crying out in pain, no amount of kissing or holding her eased her pain. Everything hurt in her body, I tried ice, heat, I rubbed her body nothing helped. The next morning they admitted her right away even though she wanted to fight them off the minute they looked down her throat she vomited and that sealed the deal. She was transferred up to the main hospital a few hours later.

She spiked a high fever, her body shock in chills; she vomited almost all day. I know rock bottom is coming, I know she'll get worse before she gets better, I just pray she makes it 100 days post-transplant. "I'm in hell." Amanda would cough out in between vomiting sessions as I patted her head down with a wet compress. All I could do was smile at her and tell her I loved her.

The days continued with her fever spiking higher rashes covering her body. Her stomach and feet swelled. Her back, jaw, head, shoulders all ached painfully her blood sugars dropped, but she couldn't keep food or liquids down. Her sinus became painful, so they feared infections, so they did a test sticking a camera up her nose, but thankfully it came back negative.

A week and a half later, Amanda had put on twenty pounds form all the fluids she was bloated covered in red spots. Of course, she moaned about how unattractive she felt, so I kissed every part of her in which she felt ugly. Not the most sanitary I'm aware, but all I cared about was helping her feel better. It worked. Seeing Noah outside the room dancing with her friends made her smile and fought to get back to them.

Finally, three weeks later, she started to engraft; she had a mild case of GVHD in her stomach, which caused most of her vomiting. Thirteen days later, she was released Dr. Callisto was so impressed by how well she was doing Amanda was moved to tears.

The next piece of good news came when we got back to the mansion and had a Facebook chat with Fin. Who told us they had a charity fundraiser last night for Amanda and raised enough money to cover the cost of the transplant her hospitalize and medications for a year.

Weeks passed in a blur of fevers, central line issues, viruses, at one point, she struggled to breathe so severely they feared she had developed COVID-19. She dropped weight again early twenty-two pounds; her skin hung off her body, her skin wrinkled her self esteem dropped. She turned to her faith she held onto me, I did my best to remain strong for her everyone was cheering when the swab test COVID-19 back negative.

She struggled to do what she needed to do get she would get impatient and angry. Noah was the one who always brought her down usually by refusing to do homework, saying it was hopeless, so she would make a deal to help him, and he would blackmail her into taking her medication, following doctors' orders.

"Liv promise me once I beat this will make our own memory, I know Tucker promised you Paris, but we need our place. I want you to pick it; it will give me something to fight for." I kissed her as she was being wheeled back to isolation "Ireland."