Chapter Thirty - Two
aperi oculos rursus horas post vos — 'Hours later you open your eyes again'
March 11th 1989
02.04am
During a storm it can be tough to recall light, hard to see the beauty nature once held during this time of what feels like a never-ending beast. Henry led on his back in bed staring up at the ceiling. His entire body aching, the weight of the guilt laying heaving on him, surprising his limbs and leaving his mind exhausted. He breathed out slowly as he tried to comprehend how it got to this, how on earth he came to the conclusion lying to the woman he loved was the right thing to do.
When Henry heard Elizabeth telling him to go his entire world shattered around him; he had never seen her look so deflated and broken; and all because of him. When he left her home his mind was in overdrive; he knew that she would need time to process what has happened and she would need space, that's why he decided to leave her spare front door key; to show her he was giving her space. However now as he led in bed he was kicking himself about yet another silly decision he had made; he now had no way of getting back to the house to see her, no way of checking that she was ok. He just had to hope she would let him in if he turned up or he could catch her on her way home from classes one day.
Henry had always prided himself on being different from the other 'boys'. He respected women, he was loyal, loving and considerate; so why did he let down the only person he had ever loved? He rolled onto his Side and placed his hand on what would have been her pillow. His fingers splayed across the material as the loneliness began to set in; he squeezed his eyes shut as the tears began to spill and flood the room.
His sorrow spilled into the night, three o'clock, four o'clock, five 'o'clock, all rolled by before he finally admitted defeat and climbed out of bed. He sniffled and wiped his face as he pulled on his running gear. He walked out of his room and into the bathroom; her toothbrush lay next to his, her products on the top of the counter. He missed her; she was his home. He picked up her toothbrush and held it in his hands, he rolled the plastic between his fingers; all the memories of them stood together in the morning brushing, her moaning at him as she hated his floss and wanted him to change it, he'd give anything for that moment again; he quite missed home now.
He put her toothbrush back in the holder and rested his hands on the counter, his head dipped between his shoulders as he batted the heartache thrashing around inside him. His guilt drowning him as he struggled to gasp for air. He inhaled shakily and pushed off his hands as he stood up straight. He couldn't look at his reflection in the mirror before him; he was disappointed and ashamed of his actions. He left the bathroom, grabbed his keys and left the house to go for a run; he needed to try and make sense of this situation.
He watched as his feet hit the ground, the road disappearing beneath his trainers faster and faster as his mind turned over and over. He assumed that him and Elizabeth would be together forever; he never expected their relationship to die, and die so soon. He tried to focus on the future, how he could fix this, explain to her he was only trying to protect them and that he realise It was wrong of him, he tried to think of all the ways he could seek forgiveness from her but as he ran through the park his mind drifted way from him.
He looked over at empty park benches; benches were he had previously seen couples sit and share intimate moments together, couples laughing, smiling and enjoying one another's company. He wasn't so sure he could do that for Elizabeth, what if he lied to her again? He had no intentions but what is? He began to think about how she was more deserving of someone who cherished her, not someone who lied to her and hurt her. Not someone like him.
He began to picture his future without her by his side; so very different to the lift he had planned; the lift of her beside him and him beside her, married, kids, family home. Now the future looked bleak, empty and lonely. He had to pause and stop running, he felt like he was wrapped up in heavy chains; chains of lies and he didn't know if it was best for Elizabeth if he broke free, or stayed consumed by it all and slipped away. He kept asking himself how he could do this to her, how he could break her like that, everything she loved she had lost and he had to go and repeat that; he had to be another reason for her guard to be build back up.
He lent against a tree and placed his head in his hands. 'I can't cry again' he whispered to himself as he tried to push them away. He looked up and across the park in an attempt to distract himself, he watched as the dawn broke, the daylight rolling in despite the darkness he carried inside. He hadn't registered that the storm had stopped, how all that was left were the ruins of what once was; everything outside looked broken, damaged and messy but in time mother nature would run its course and clear herself up, allowing spring to grace her with its presence and new beginnings will blossom. In short; the world didn't stop for anyone.
