Chapter 44.
Dean walked around the farmhouse and out to where the Impala was parked. He considered going for a drive, but knew the sound of the engine would worry the others. He didn't want to do that. Walking out had probably not filled them with confidence that he was going to make the right decision.
What was the right decision? His tiredness could, in theory, be a good thing, dulling the sharper edges of his dark and twisted thoughts, shielding Cas from much of the toxic waste he carried around in his head. Or it could mean he had less ability to control that waste and that Cas was trapped in something very like a nightmare.
Then there was his need for the connection, a need he was working to kill. He knew enough about it to know that it would increase if he gave it a taste of what it wanted. He distrusted his own desires at the best of times and that was the most selfish, even cruel. He didn't think Cas could take much more of the link.
On the other hand, if Cas saw no other way of dealing with the link, he would one day go to Heaven and ask for help and however that ended, it was unlikely Castiel would return unharmed, if at all. Protecting Castiel by unleashing all that darkness on him seemed like a bad idea, but he was accustomed to doing something bad, even terrible, to try to prevent something worse.
He sat on the hood of the car and looked down the road. He wanted his dad or Bobby or Charlie. He wanted to talk to someone who could tell him what to do. It crossed his mind that three people he trusted completely were in the building behind him, but he already knew their advice and he admitted to himself that he would prefer something that didn't mean he had to go back into the house and risk that connection again. "This is stupid!" he said.
The darkness gathered around him and the last light faded from the sky. He didn't know how many nights he and his Baby had been like this, alone with something he didn't feel he could share with anyone without a 327 engine.
Behind him, he heard the farmhouse door open and close. He didn't turn. He knew his brother's footsteps when he heard them.
"Hey." said Sam, "You've been out here a while."
"Yeah." said Dean, standing up.
"Conflicted, or just scared?" said Sam.
There had been a time when Dean would have punched him for asking, but instead of rage, he felt only relief that his brother understood him so well. "Both, I think." he said.
"How can I help?" said Sam.
"I don't think you can." said Dean, hating the fact that he couldn't give Sam something more than that. He knew how those words would have hurt him, coming from Sam.
Sam nodded.
"You can go back in, if you want." said Dean, "I'm not about to run."
"I know." said Sam, "But it's pretty lonely out here."
Dean thought of a dozen lies to ease Sam's concern, but not one of them made it to his lips. "Yeah." he said at last.
"You're right, I can't know what this is like for you and Cas. I can't begin to imagine. That doesn't mean I don't see how hard this is for you. But I also know you can do it. There is nothing you can't do, Dean. You don't have to use it after you gain control of it, if you and Cas still hate it, but getting control of it would set you both free and mean you can ditch the bling."
"He's agreeing to do this for my sake." said Dean.
"Doing it would help both of you." said Sam.
"Have you ever made a list of everything we did to Cas? Since he met us, he's suffered. He hates the link."
"Dean, you tell people you hate it too."
"Trust me, his mind flinches from every contact with mine. Normal human stuff hurts him. What do you think this mess does to an angel?" he gestured to his head.
"Is there really a decision to be made here?" said Sam, "The only other option I'm seeing is Cas going to Naomi and asking her to block the link. She won't be gentle, Dean and killing him might be the easiest option for her."
"Yeah, you think that had slipped my mind?" said Dean.
"Sorry. Maybe I should go back in."
"Maybe we both should. I don't like this, but sooner or later, I guess we have to deal with it."
"Do you need some sleep first?" said Sam.
"No, I get sleep and I'll be strong enough to back out." said Dean, "Let's do this while I'm weak, dumb and easily pushed around."
Sam smiled. "You're never any of those things, especially the last."
"If Cas decides he can't do this, we don't try to change his mind." said Dean, "He suffers most. Has to be his decision."
"Cas is convinced you need to do this." said Sam.
"If at any point he changes his mind, it stops."
"If either of you changes your mind, it stops." said Sam.
"I've changed my mind thirty times in the past ten seconds." said Dean.
"Then we need to get in there and you need to tell Sarah you'll do it. You don't easily break your word."
"Except to you and Cas." said Dean.
"Then you'd better promise Sarah." said Sam. He put his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Come on. There's nobody here who doesn't love you."
"For now." said Dean, but he went back into the house with Sam, looked at Cas, then Sarah and said, "Okay, let's do this dumb, stupid thing, if Cas is still okay with it."
"Could we try being a little more positive about it?" said Sarah.
"That is him being positive." said Cas, "When he's negative, he breaks things."
"I'm positive this is a dumb idea." said Dean.
