Steve drove straight home. As concerned as he was to leave Soda behind, he wanted to give Darry his space. There was nothing he could say or do right now anyway. Steve walked into his bedroom and looked at his bed. It had been quite some time since he had slept in it, and it sure looked comfortable. He figured his dad must have cleaned the sheets as the bed was made up nicely. "Figures he doesn't worry where I've been all this time, he just worries about cleaning up my room," Steve smirked. He didn't have the energy for another thought as he slammed himself onto the bed and fell asleep.
Soda heard Darry arrive home and Steve leave. He didn't move from his spot. The agony he was feeling was weighing him down, not giving in to let him sit up. It felt too physically painful to move anything. He was too exhausted to think. Darry didn't come upstairs. Soda wasn't sure if he had expected him to, but he was okay with him not coming. He hadn't seen Darry since it all happened yesterday, and he didn't want to know how he had handled the news. Imagining what Darry had been doing in the hospital since yesterday hurt Soda's heart. He honestly wasn't sure if he could bear to see Darry right now.
Darry sat in his armchair for awhile. He couldn't stop crying. Every time he looked around the living room, towards the kitchen, and at the stairs, he lost it just thinking about Pony not walking around the house anymore. The tears were pouring without control. He was sure he didn't even cry this much when his parents died. This was a whole different thing though. At least to Darry it was. He knew his other little brother was upstairs, but he didn't come down. That didn't worry Darry though. This was something he couldn't rush Soda, or even himself, to face head on. He knew this wasn't anything they'd be talking about anytime soon.
When Steve awoke, he felt a little rested, but achy. That was partially because he had fallen asleep in a weird position, and partially because some stress was beginning to lift. He lifted his head, wiped the drool that was at the side of his mouth, and sat himself up. He twisted and stretched, popping his neck and back. Taking a minute, Steve was trying to remember what was going on. Darry was home now, and Pony was still gone. The reality of it all made Steve's heart sink. Getting up from the bed, he made his way downstairs to get some water.
As he drank in the liquid, he thought about what to do next. Something was telling him not to go back to the Curtis house yet. There was a somewhat relaxing feeling that Soda was okay, at least not trying to do what he did yesterday. He couldn't even try to imagine what Darry and Soda could be doing right now. As far as Steve knew, they both could still be where he had left them. Steve didn't want to stay home by himself either. He didn't want to let his mind wander too much. He settled on driving to find the rest of the gang, and seeing where everyone was at with everything.
Steve grabbed a bottle of Pepsi out of his fridge and got into his car. The sky wasn't too bright as the day was slowly going by. He pulled up to Buck's place, already having a good sense where Dally was.
Walking up to Buck's, Steve walked on in. There were quite a few greasers in there, but it wasn't loud or rowdy with the night crowd not hitting yet. Those who were there were just hanging out and shooting some billiards. Listening in, he wasn't hearing any small talk about the Curtis family. Steve found Dally sitting at the bar, a cigarette in hand.
"Hey," Steve said taking a seat next to Dally.
"Hi," Dally said without looking up.
"I was looking for you."
"You found me."
"How long have you been here?" Dally just shrugged.
"I was going to go get Two-Bit and Johnny and we could all go to the park or something, I don't know. I think we all could use some time together."
Dally took an inhale of his cigarette, "Where's Soda?"
"Home. Darry was able to come home today, and I'm just leaving them be right now. But come on, I think you should come with me."
Steve had expected Dally to argue going with him, but was surprised when he stood up to leave. "Alright, let's go."
Next, Steve stopped at Two-Bit's house. They saw Two-Bit and Johnny smoking outside. Steve was actually relieved to see Johnny was still with Two-Bit. Second to Soda, Johnny did not need to be left alone right now. Steve put his car into park as Two-Bit nodded at them.
"I don't know if I can help him," Dally suddenly said.
Steve looked at Dally, "What? Help who?"
"Johnny man," Dally said looking down at his lap.
Steve leaned back in the driver's seat. He knew Dally wouldn't be one to admit he was hurting from the passing. He'd be too busy getting Johnny through it. Steve knew Dally would be just fine with that too, letting Johnny be his distraction. "Dal, I'm not getting us together for just Johnny. I'm getting us all together, because we all need it. We all need to be here for each other." Dally didn't respond as Steve continued on. "If anything, I'm trying to take your advice, and Two-Bit's. I'm trying not to be so invincible about all of this. I'm not going to let you all be stones with all of this. We all need to have our time to grieve before we can really be there for Darry and Soda, and even Johnny." When Steve still didn't get a response, he stepped out of the car and walked up to Two-Bit and Johnny.
"Hey," Two-Bit greeted, flicking his ashes.
"Hey, how you guys holding up?" Steve asked.
"Okay," Johnny simple responded.
Steve put his hands in his pockets, "Well, I found Dally. I think we owe it to each other to just go to the park and be together."
"So everyone can see tuff greasers bawling in the park?" Two-Bit grinned.
Steve chuckled, "Well we can take our bawling out on anyone who says anything."
The three greasers got into the car and drove to the park. The idea of what could possibly happen out in the open didn't seem to be anyone's concern at the moment. Not even Dally's. Steve had no idea what he was planning to do as they walked through the grassy field. He didn't know if he was going to say anything.
The four of them just stood around, each lighting a cigarette. No one said anything. No one looked at each other.
"Well," Two-Bit spoke up, "No need to avoid the elephant in the room. Times are about to become...pretty hard. Things won't be easy for awhile."
Steve nodded, "Going over to Soda's ain't going to be the same anymore."
"Do..." Johnny began taking a quick drag, "Do you guys think the gang will ever be the same?"
Dally walked closer to Johnny and put an arm around him, "Of course Johnnycake."
"This can only bring us closer and make us stronger," Two-Bit said, "We're just going through a bump in the road. A big bump."
Johnny looked down towards the ground. He felt himself get a little weak, so he sat down on the grass. He tossed his cigarette and began picking at the grass. He knew his friends were right. This wouldn't tear them apart, but how long would it take to get used to the new norm? The rest of the gang joined Johnny on the ground, no one saying anything. Everyone was sitting in their own thoughts.
Turning up from the grass, Johnny looked at the playground. There were countless times him and Ponyboy would hang out at the playground, because a lot of the usual greaser hangouts just weren't their scene. In fact, the playground was the last place Johnny saw Ponyboy awake and well.
"Do you want to go to the movies tonight?" Johnny asked, "I bet Two-Bit or Steve will drive us."
"I can't," Pony said hanging upside down off the monkey bars, "Darry is taking me and Soda out to dinner. He got that promotion."
"That big one?" Johnny asked taking a seat on the swing.
"Yeah," Pony flipped to the ground, "It's a big deal too. He's going really far at work. We won't be living so strictly paycheck to paycheck."
"That's awesome man. What do you think he's going to use the extra money for?"
Pony sat on the swing next to Johnny, "I don't know. Darry will probably save some, start buying some extra things like food. Soda will probably want a car."
"What about you?"
"What about me?" Pony asked.
"What would you do with the money?"
Pony shook his head, "It's not my money. I can't decide what it goes to."
"Darry might want to do something special for you. It's just fun to think about," Johnny said, "What would you say if Darry asked what you'd want to save some money aside for?"
Pony thought for a minute, "First, I'd want him to save up to go to school. Even if it's just some classes at a community college, just something. He deserves it. But for myself, a motorcycle."
Johnny couldn't help, but smile at the memory. He didn't expect Pony to say he wanted a motorcycle. It made Johnny laugh out loud as a couple tears slid down his cheeks. He kept his eyes on the swings, thankful no one asked about the random laugh he let out.
"You? On a motorcycle?" Johnny laughed.
"It'd be tuff," Pony grinned.
"I just never knew you had thought about a motorcycle," Johnny looked up at the sky, "No one in the gang really has I guess."
"Do you think Steve would know how to fix one up?"
Johnny shrugged, "I don't know. I bet he could figure it out if he doesn't."
Remembering that part of the conversation, Johnny looked over at Steve. He was picking at the grass with one hand, a burning cigarette he seemed to have forgotten about in the other. "Hey Steve," Johnny said quietly.
Steve looked up, "Yeah?"
"Would you know how to fix up a motorcycle?"
Steve slightly nodded, not seeming to care about the random question, "I've worked on a couple."
Johnny looked down, and then back over at the swings. He quietly said to himself, "He could have, Pony."
"Well, I better be going home. You should come over tomorrow." Pony said jumping off the swing.
"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you later man."
Johnny felt the tears come down at a rapid pace. He had no idea he wasn't going to see Pony...that tomorrow...or ever again.
Two-Bit took little drags off his cigarette as he was scanning the grass area. He felt his heart skip a beat as he landed his eyes on a large tree in the middle of the park.
"Hey Pony, I bet you can't climb higher than me!" Two-Bit laughed as he stumbled towards the tree.
"Come on Two-Bit, it's getting late. Darry is probably wondering where we are," Pony followed Two-Bit with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets, "Figures I should have found someone else to go to the drive-in with."
"Are you scared?" Two-Bit mocked as he slid his leather jacket off and tossed it to the ground.
Pony shook his head, "It's too dark, Two-Bit. And you're drunk. You ain't going to see what you're doing."
Two-Bit grabbed the lowest branch and lifted himself up, "I've done dangerouser things drunk. Come on Pony! Live a little!"
Pony watched as Two-Bit climbed up a couple more branches. Clearly, he wasn't going to get home without doing what Two-Bit wanted. "Dangerouser isn't a word," Pony grinned as he slid his jacket off.
"Well I made it one," Two-Bit slurred, "Now hurry your ass up." Pony sighed as he grabbed the branch and pulled himself up. He hoped just climbing two or three branches would satisfy Two-Bit, but he was in for a fight. "Let's go!" Two-Bit hollered, "You got to get moving or we'll be here until morning."
"Good grief," Pony muttered as he continued to climb. He was ready to watch Two-Bit fall on his ass, but at least he'd get a good laugh out of it. After a lot of pulling, tugging, grunting, and laughter, the boys made it close to the top of the tree. "Okay, we did our climbing," Pony said a little out of breath, "Can we go now?"
"Slow down," Two-Bit pushed some branches aside, "Look up."
Pony looked through the leaves and became in awe of what he was looking at, "Wow."
"It's a whole different view from up here, huh?" Two-Bit said.
"The stars...they seem so close," Pony commented. He thought about how many times Two-Bit must have climbed the tree, and then one night found the way the stars looked, and thought to show him.
"They really do," Two-Bit looked at Pony, "You should see it when you're drunk."
Two-Bit smiled at the memory. There had been countless other times him and Pony would climb that tree. He asked Pony once if he ever went by himself, but he had said no. He only climbed it with Two-Bit. 'Too bad you never saw it drunk, kid,' Two-Bit thought to himself.
Dally lit another cigarette. He kept glancing over at Johnny, who was still looking towards the playground.
"Alright now pay attention kid, I'm going to show you the fastest way to do this," Dally said, "This will get you out of any messy shit you could get into, especially with Socs."
"Okay," Pony said, slightly nervous, "You know I wouldn't get in trouble with the Socs on purpose."
"You don't have to start anything for them to want to cause problems," Dally said. He reached in his back pocket and pulled out his blade. Pony grabbed his blade from his pocket. "So, if they ever walk up on you, just get your hand on your blade right away. Always keep it in your back pocket, that's going to give you the best grip to fly it out."
Pony nodded, "Okay."
"You make sure you got your finger there," Dally showed him, "So as soon as you take it out the blade pops out, got it? The Socs ain't going to give you mercy, so speed and keeping your cool is going to be your best weapon."
"Alright," Pony said.
"Then when the moment is right, and you'll know when, you just pull it out fast and let the blade come out. You have to be fast, otherwise you're going to cut yourself if the blade is at the wrong angle," Dally said, "Now put it away and try it out."
Pony slid his blade back in his pocket. He did as Dally told him, letting the blade fly out. "Wow, that really worked," Pony grinned.
"Darry and Soda may not like the idea of you carrying a blade, but it will be a lifesaver, I promise you."
Dally closed his eyes and let out a breath. 'Not the right lifesaver apparently,' he thought to himself.
Steve pulled his legs up, rested his arms on his knees, and lowered his head. He just stared at the grass.
"Soda, does he really have to come along? He's just a kid."
"We're going to a drag race, I doubt you'd like it."
"Stop your complaining kid! You don't even understand all Darry and Soda are doing for you!"
"This isn't a night for kids to tag along."
"Kid, use your damn head!"
"You walk home alone that late at night again, I will punch your head in! Is it that hard to call me for a ride?"
"I am so sick of you bumming a cigarette off me. Darry is sick of you bumming cigarettes off everyone. Soda is sick of you bumming cigarettes. Take a damn hint."
"No, you can't come with. It's not for you."
"This isn't a place for you, kid."
Steve felt tears stinging his eyes. He always cared for Ponyboy. He truly did. There was hidden meaning in his words, they were caring words, but with a tough tone. Steve didn't know how else to show care towards others.
"Do you always have to be so hard on him?" Soda asked as he got in Steve's car, ready to leave the work day, "Pony thinks you hate him."
"Why the hell does he think that?" Steve grunted as he started his car.
Soda's mouth fell open, thinking his best friend couldn't be that blind, "Do you hear how you talk to him sometimes?"
"You know I don't hate him."
"I know you don't, Steve, but you can't blame him for how he hears what you say. I don't like that he thinks you hate him or don't care about him."
"Then side with me, Soda!" Steve barked, "You know damn well half the places we are going really ain't for him, but you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him why. He wouldn't enjoy it and you know it. He just wants to go, because he thinks that's what all greasers do. But you know he's better than that. I'm just the only one willing to say it."
Soda looked at Steve, "Can you just try and be gentler with how you say things to him? Please?"
Steve rolled his eyes, "Sure, I can try."
"Thanks," Soda smiled.
Steve could kick himself. He didn't start talking gentler that evening when they had returned from work. He didn't talk gentler the next day, or the next day, or the next month. Hell, that conversation could have been a year ago for all Steve knew. The softer tone didn't come out until Pony was in a coma, and there was a chance Pony didn't get to hear it at all. Suddenly, Steve shot up from the ground and walked away from the other three. Two-Bit got up and followed after him.
"Steve?"
"How did he never understand?" Steve asked.
"What? Who?" Two-Bit asked.
"Pony. He never understood my intentions."
Two-Bit looked confused, "I'm not sure where you're getting at Steve."
"Soda always told me I was too hard on Pony. I talked too rough to him and shit. And Pony thought I hated him. But I wasn't hard on him, because I hated him or because I didn't want him around me and Soda. Everyone may have thought that, but I did not hate Ponyboy."
"Steve, no one thought..."
"I cared about that kid!" Steve yelled, "I fucking cared about him, because Soda cared so much about him. I didn't want Pony coming out with us, because he had bigger things for him. He didn't need to get into drinking, fighting, drag racing, or other dumb shit that is getting the rest of us nowhere." Steve let the tears fall as the words spilled out. "I was looking out for him, Two-Bit. I don't have the softest voice like Soda, but I looked out for him just the same. I cared, Two-Bit...I cared."
Two-Bit pulled Steve into an embrace, feeling his own tears begin to fall, "Shh Steve. Don't go blaming yourself for anything now. We all knew you cared. And you know what? I think deep down, Pony knew you cared too. I think he knew."
Steve began bawling into Two-Bit's shoulders, "I hope he could hear us talk while he was in his coma. At least then he got to hear me talk different to him."
"I'm sure he felt it, Steve," Two-Bit looked up at the sky, "You can't hold onto this though. You can't think about this stuff, because he's gone now. You aren't going to get closure wondering what if you had done something. You will have to let those burdens go."
Steve took a deep breath, trying to calm his cries, "How?"
Two-Bit let go of Steve as he thought for a moment. He held his hand out. "Let me see your pack of cigarettes." Steve shuffled in his back pocket and handed the pack over. "Come on." Two-Bit began walking towards the sidewalk. Steve didn't know what he was doing, but he followed behind. Two-Bit sat down and Steve sat next to him. He watched as Two-Bit took out the remaining cigarettes, seven of them. "My mom did something like this when I kept asking questions about my dad leaving. I kept wondering if I was to blame. I kept wanting closure from him, but I obviously wasn't going to get it. So, she had me write down all my questions and things I wondered on pieces of paper. So, we have seven sticks here. So, what are seven things you have to say to Pony as if he were sitting here with us right now?"
Steve thought for a moment, "I'm not sure."
"Just anything you would have wanted to say," Two-Bit said, "What if he asked you about why he couldn't go to drag races with you and Soda?"
Steve bit his lip, "He's too smart for it."
Two-Bit handed Steve one cigarette, "Then my mom had me tear each piece of paper in half." Steve gripped the cigarette and looked at Two-Bit. "Go ahead. Break it."
For a minute, Steve just stared at the cigarette.
"Think about what you just said. Pony, you were too smart to get involved in drag racing. You wish you could have said that to him, instead of just telling him 'no, you aren't coming with.' You can't let that sit on your shoulders though for the rest of your life. Now break it."
Steve closed his eyes as he broke the cigarette in half.
"Now, the point is to never put that burden on yourself again. It's not easy, but you're going to have to remember this and remind yourself. Don't think about how you lost the chance to tell him why he couldn't go drag racing. Don't think about how you could have done things differently. Now, what's another thing? Anything."
Steve opened his eyes and thought for a minute, "I yelled at you to use your head, because it was your gift to use it. I didn't want you to waste it, that's all."
"Break it," Two-Bit handed Steve the second one. Steve broke it, and put it in the grass with the first broken one.
Steve took a deep breath as Two-Bit gave him a third one, "I yelled at you for bumming cigarettes off me, because you shouldn't have been smoking at all. You only started, because you saw me and Dal do it one day. You were too smart for that." The third cigarette was broken.
Grabbing the fourth one, Steve went on, "I'm sorry I called you a tag along kid a lot. You were Soda's little brother, so I did want to have alone time with Soda. I wanted to hang out with him. That's all." Steve broke the fourth one.
"I yelled at you for walking alone all the time, because I don't know what I would have done if you had gotten jumped. I would have given you a ride anytime you needed it." Before Steve broke the fifth one, he added, "I'm sorry you didn't think I would have done that for you."
The sixth one. "I yelled at you about Darry and Soda, because you didn't understand what they gave up for you. They cared so much for your future, and I wanted to get that through your head. Any of us would have sacrificed for you, because we all knew where you could have gone in life." He blinked the tears away as he broke it.
Steve grabbed the last one and closed his eyes tight. "I yelled, because I cared. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear that I cared. I'm sorry you only thought of me hating you, but that was far from the truth. I'm sorry I didn't start talking to you the way I should have until you were in this mess. I'm sorry you may not have had the chance to hear it. Soda was the gentler one towards you, while I was the tougher one, and I'm sorry you took it the wrong way. You were Soda's little brother, so you were my little brother too. I loved you kid."
Letting out a breath, Steve opened his eyes, letting the tears escape. He broke the last cigarette and placed it in the pile.
"Now pick up the halves," Two-Bit said.
Steve pushed his lips together, holding back any crying as he picked up the broken halves.
"Go drop them in that sewer. And as you drop them, just let all those burdens go." Steve slowly stood up and walked into the street, standing above the sewer.
Dally grabbed Johnny by the arm and pulled him over, holding him close. "What are you thinking about?"
Johnny sighed, "The last time Pony and I hung out was on those swings. We were just talking."
"I taught Pony how to handle a blade here," Dally sighed.
"I know. He told me."
"I remember telling him that it would save his life one day," Dally trailed off to pull himself together, "I was wrong."
"You didn't know," Johnny said.
Dally shook his head, "That kid didn't deserve this."
"No one would have."
"No, it's bullshit," Dally said as his anger began to rise, "He was the one greaser who was going to go places. He could leave Tulsa and go do something big. So why did he deserve to fucking die?"
Johnny laid his head against Dally, "Don't get mad Dal, not right now, please."
Dally bit his lip and let his shoulders drop, "I'm sorry Johnny. I'm here for whatever you need kid."
Steve looked at the broken cigarettes that lay in his hands. He closed his eyes.
"Ponyboy, I am sorry it's too late for me to change things," Steve swallowed hard, "But I have to let that go."
Moving his hands apart, Steve watched the pieces fall into the sewer. His burdens and worries, dropping away. He felt his knees get weak as he bent down and cried. He could barely breathe as he bawled towards the ground. Hands gently lay onto his shoulders.
"It'll be okay," Two-Bit gently said. He slowly helped Steve to his feet and brought him back over to the grass. Steve felt himself hyperventilate as he cried. Two-Bit helped him sit down in the grass and pull him in a tight hug. "It will be okay."
Steve felt himself relax against Two-Bit, taking in deep breaths to attempt to calm the cries. He looked up towards the sky. It was turning colors as night was about to come upon them. Steve began thinking about the sunsets Pony would watch. The timing couldn't have been more perfect, as Steve saw it as a sign of Ponyboy's forgiveness. In an instant, his cries stopped, the tears slowed down, and Steve kept his eyes towards the sky, watching the colors shift.
