Chapter Thirty-Six
He was so tired, it was unbelievable.
All he wanted to do was to literally fall into Jason's spare bed and sleep for as long as humanly possible. Well, if he was allowed to as he knew that Trent would more than likely wake him up every few hours to make sure that he hadn't died and get him to eat something. Something that they were all doing lately, it was either food or a protein shakes or meds. But then again he wouldn't be able to sleep that long because my God could Sonny talk loud, even when he was trying to whisper.
On the other hand, he had one of the best protection system money could buy to protect him from his annoying brothers. Cerberus. At least he had one brother who would happily curl up in bed with him and sleep for as long as he wanted. He knew that Cerb had been a little bit more protective of him lately and had even chosen to stay with him instead of Brock when they were all together. At first, he didn't know what was going on as Cerberus normally stayed close to Brock but then again Cerb always glued himself to him whenever he was injured.
But on the plus side, Cerberus was a really good hot water bottle during the night. During the night, he always made sure that the window was left open to allow the air to brush across his face. It was funny, that the moving air relaxed him enough to allow his brain to switch off even for a few moments. It was something that he had picked on ever since he was a kid that as long as he had air moving around a room he could sleep. It didn't matter if it was hot or cold as long as there was air moving around him he could sleep.
However, right now he wished his brain would shut off right now. Coz all he wanted to sleep. Which right now really pissed him off. He knew that he should feel tired with everything going on, he was healing after all. But struggling to keep his eyes open was really starting to annoy him. He was a tier-one operator and he could barely stay awake for more than a few hours before needing to take a nap. That he was so tired lately that he couldn't fall back into a normal routine, there was no way he was going to be able to go back to Bravo like this, if ever. And that scared him.
All he wanted in life was to be a Navy Seal Tier One Operator, it was the only job he saw himself doing. Unless he counted that one time that he had been offered a really good job when he lived in South Africa and to be honest he had really considered it but his dream had always been a Seal and so here he was. He didn't know what he would do with himself if the Navy turned around and said he was done. He was not meant to be weak. He hated been weak, he was always told that he could never show weakness to anyone. That his emotion was not important and he had to lock it all away and continue with their missions. Seals don't show emotions. That was what Ash told him. He knew that it was stupid to listen to Ash but all of the other operators were the same. They didn't show their emotions so when he did show it he hated himself for it. Maybe he was the weak man Ash told him he was.
But today at least he had been a good day, he was proud of himself that he managed this long before he felt like he was going to pass out. Going to the range had really helped him get out of his head. He had thankfully had managed a good few hours on the range with perfect shots before his exhaustion got the better of him and his aim started to slip. That pissed him off even more because normally he could spend all day on the range shooting at targets till his heart's content. But he had only managed a few hours before he started to fill too tired to even hold his rifle. Foggins had finally called it after his fifth failed shot. His brother knew how good his shot was normally and had finally taken his rifle off him before he got too annoyed with himself. And it was a good thing he did as when he went to stand, he suddenly became so dizzy that without Foggins' help he would have face planted the floor.
Foggins had taken him back to Jason's without a word and Clay was thankful for that. He needed sleep, he had gotten a short nap on the way home. It's all he wanted right now. As they pulled up outside Jason's place, Clay thanked his brother for everything and promised to call him later to plan a catch up with the rest of his old team. He missed his old team, but after what happened he didn't know if he could face them again. Now he knew how stupid he had been, his team had never blamed him for what happened. Maybe it wouldn't hurt trying to reconnect with them once he could stay awake longer and he could drink.
He quickly slipped into Jason's place, expecting to be greeted by a group of really annoyed and worried Seals. However, he was meet with a scene that surprised him. The lights were off in the kitchen, dining room and the hall. And the only light coming from the living room was from the small table lamp and the TV. Alone on the couch sat Jason. And Clay could clearly tell that he wasn't at all paying any attention to what was on the Tv, he was just staring at it. But what worried him more was the fact that Jason hadn't even acknowledged him when he entered the door.
Forgetting about heading straight to bed as he had planned, something was seriously wrong with his boss. He moved quietly over to the couch and slowly lowered himself onto the couch as his abdomen was now stinging. He knew that he had winced badly as he sat and had expected Jason to say something to him about it but nothing. Clay turned a little to see that Jason was still staring at the Tv which was running an episode of Magnum PI, a show that he knew Jason hated.
"Where are the others?" Clay asked breaking the silence, he knew that what he really want to ask was what was wrong but knew better than to ask a direct question. Jason was not likely going to tell him anything so he asked another question that was playing around inside his head. Where were his other brothers? He hadn't even checked to see if their cars were still parked outside when Foggins' dropped him off. But he hoped that they had all finally gone home, where they belonged. They didn't need to watch him 24/7 now.
Jason didn't move or even look at Clay but he did at least answer his question. "Brock took Cerberus out for a run and then was heading home. Ray got a call from Naima as Jameelah wanted him to help her with her homework and to tuck her in tonight." Jason knew that Ray missed seeing his kids and now that they were home till they were needed, Ray needed to spend as much time as possible with his kids. They were his life as much as Bravo was. And Clay had told him as much on a few occasions. Then Jason moved a little but not a lot and only nod his head down the hall towards the bathroom. "Sonny's in the shower."
Clay nodded, he knew that getting Sonny to leave was near enough impossible without Lisa's help. He just wished his brother would listen to him and go enjoy his downtime. But then thinking about who Jason had mentioned he quickly noticed that Jason had missed out one brother, and it was the one brother that worried him. "And Trent?" Clay asked, allowing the worry to be heard in his voice. He knew that Trent would more likely be the one to kill him over staying out this long. And then some.
Jason shrugged his shoulders and ran his hand through his hair. "Went out to get something." He hadn't actually asked Trent what he was getting as he left but their medic wasn't really talking to him still. He understood why he had done it but was still pissed that he had kept it from him like they all were.
"Are they mad?" Clay asked quietly, he knew that more than likely Trent wasn't the only brother that was pissed at him for going out for this long without one of them and more so if they knew about the range. He knew that Sonny was going to be raging as he hadn't gone with him and Sonny had been wanting to shoot something for over a week.
"With you?" Jason asked turning for the first time to look at Clay, he saw immediately that the kid looked done in and had it in his mind to send the kid straight to bed.
Clay nodded softly and then broke eye contact with him, he couldn't look at Jason as he knew that with his tiredness came the slip in his mask. He knew that Jason had seen his pain and tiredness together in his eyes and quickly started to rub them, almost trying to get his mask on properly.
"No, you've done nothing wrong," Jason said with a stern tone, he needed the kid to believe him in that.
"Ok." Clay nodded and allowed his body to relax into the back of the couch a little more, he knew that if he got too comfortable then he would fall asleep here and then but knew that Jason would wake him up. Sleeping on the couch sitting up was murder on his neck and they all knew it.
"How are you feeling?" Jason asked turning in his seat to look the kid over. The kid looked tired and also in pain. He kicked himself because he knew that he had caused some of that pain. Even if he didn't mean too.
"Tired," Clay admitted as he closed his eyes. There was no way getting that past Jason and he knew it, he must look shattered to his boss and with him fighting to stay awake right in front of him then there was no point hiding it.
"That all?" Jason asked as he too relaxed into the back of his couch, just having the kid in front of him calmed him a little. He had been so worried that Clay could get hurt if he was left alone that he had caused himself even more stress than he thought it would.
Clay sighed and knew that Jason had seen his slip. "I hate this," Clay muttered as he ran his hand over the back of his neck. God, why couldn't everything go back to normal? All he wanted to be was free from pain and be able to stay awake for a day without doing dizzy or having to nap a few times. At the range when Foggins' had gone to get him another bottle of water and something to eat, he had found himself napping in his sniper hide. Thankfully if anyone saw him they would just think he was looking down his scope, and when Foggins' arrived he had woken up when he had asked him which sandwich he wanted.
"What?" Jason asked softly, he knew that if he pushed the kid too much he would shut down on him again and he didn't want that. He needed the kid to trust him in order for him to build up the courage to tell Clay what was going on. It was killing him keeping this from him but now the kid needed to know as he knew that sooner or later the brass were going to force him to pick a new draft and he wanted Clay to know about it before he found out by someone else or worse by a guy from Green Team bragging that he might be picked to replace him which wasn't going to happen.
"Feeling like all I want to do is sleep for a week," Clay said without making eye contact with Jason. He hated showing his weakness to any of his brothers but more so when it came down to Jason.
"It will get better," Jason said resting his arm against the back of the couch so his body was facing Clay. He only hoped that the kid would get better and soon. He hated watching the kid suffer like this, and it was getting worse as time went on. It just wished he could get the kid back to where he was before the whole mess started and stop him from ever expecting the mission. But at the same time, he knew that telling the kid that would have planted a seed of doubt in his head making him believe that he thought he wasn't ready to come back. Something he never wanted to happen.
"Doesn't feel like it," Clay muttered as he leant his head back against the back of the couch and then closed his eyes. He had then closed his eyes once more wishing that the now annoying headache would go away. His recovery felt like it was taking forever and he felt only less pain.
"It will," Jason muttered quietly, knowing that the kid was suffering from a bad headache and he could tell by how the kid as acting. He made a quick reminder to himself to get Clay to swollen some of the painkillers that the doctor had prescribed before he headed for bed.
For a few moments, the two sat in silence. The only noise came from the TV which had moved on to the adverts. Clay then turned his head slightly and opened his eyes to look at Jason. "Thank you." He said quietly, and their two eyes met.
"For what?" Jason asked, looking at the kid carefully. But mainly surprised that he hadn't passed out yet.
"Calling Foggins for me, organising today for me." Clay said lifting his head a little off the back of the couch as he spoke.
"Did he help?" Jason asked with a small smile. He was glad that Clay had made peace with one of his old teammates. Seeing brothers fight was always hard as they had no idea what tomorrow would bring. His list on his phone proved that. He had lost nearly forty brothers so far and to think that he might have to add more names to that list scared him. But to think about how close he had come to nearly adding Clay's name to that list really scared him.
"Yer, it was nice catching up with him," Clay said with a little smile thinking back to the conversations he had with Foggy. He had caught up on a lot that he had missed when it came to his old team, like a few of them getting married and starting families. And he was really looking forward to seeing them again.
"Good," Jason said nodding with a little smile. He was proud of the kid, really proud. He was doing so well, he just hoped it would continue.
Once again they both fell back into silence. However, Clay could feel that something was wrong with the whole situation. Turning to look at Jason he could actually see and feel the tension roll off his boss but he had no idea why or what was going on? "So..." Clay started with as he sat forward resting his elbows onto his knees. But at the same time turned his head so he was looking in the direction of Jason but not meeting his eyes. "...what going on?" Clay asked.
"What do you mean?" Jason asked and he couldn't stop the worry filling his voice as he spoke.
"I know, ok," Clay said looking at him and this time he looked him directly into Jason's face. He knew that he should be upset that he had been lied too but at the same time understood why they had done what they had done.
"Know what?" Jason asked sitting up now. Clay was really worrying him, did he know what he thought he knew?
Clay sighed and knew that this was going to be hard. "That the brass wants you to replace me." He said, looking now down at the floor now that he had gotten those words out of his mouth like they were poison. Saying that the brass was ordering his brothers to replace him was the hardest thing to hear but at the same time, it wasn't his brothers' fault. An order was an order.
"..." Jason opened his mouth to speak but he couldn't, it took a few moments before he could get his words out properly. "How the hell?" And that was all he could say. Quickly he thought back over who knew that information but more importantly who would have told Clay. He knew he, nor Ray or Blackburn would have told Clay without informing them first. Did the base personal know? Was the word already out that Clay was been replaced? All the questions mixed with the anger was now getting the better of him and he couldn't help but grab hold of his phone almost ready to call Blackburn to demand to know what was happening.
"I heard Blackburn that night when he told you what the brass said." Clay started turning his whole body this time so his back was against the armrest so he could see Jason fully. He knew that his 1IC was pissed, anyone could tell that by just looking at the man. At the first sentence, he saw the shock and pain in Jason's face and then added explaining a little more. "I was on my way to the bathroom when I heard you all talking."
That hit Jason like a tone of bricks. The kid had known that they had been lying to him all this time. And that was as painful as them hiding something from him was. Jason closed his eyes and he quickly rubbed his fingers into them. Now he was getting the mother of all headaches. He never wanted Clay to find out like this. He shouldn't have. He should have been the one to tell him one on one. Not for Clay to hear them talking about him behind his back. Clay had the right to know. "Clay I was going to tell you." Jason finally said as he opened his eyes again looking at the kid.
"It's fine..." Clay started shrugging his shoulders a little as he was starting to feel the pain again. "And I know why you didn't tell me, give me hope that I was coming back." He said letting his head fall as he looked at the ground. It was like his whole was starting to crumble around him, just like before.
"You are coming back..." Jason said forcibly as he gripped hold of Clay's good shoulder. There was no way he was letting the kid think he was done on Bravo. They weren't abandoning him. Not ever. "...the draft is just keeping your seat warm till you are back." There was no way in hell was he replacing Clay. The kid was theirs and the position of Bravo six was taken for as long as Clay could operate.
"Maybe..." Clay muttered almost sounded defeated.
"No maybes Clay." Jason snapped gripping hold of Clay's shoulder like his life depended on it.
A few minutes came and went as the two of them sat there not saying a word. Jason knew that the kid was still taking in everything and that he couldn't push him. But also he knew that the kid been trapped inside his own head was not something that was health and so he asked.
"How's the shoulder?" Jason knew what a gun recoiling felt like and more importantly, he knew what it felt like when that said shoulder was hurt. Clay must be in some pain and that was clearly written in the kid's body language.
Clay sighed once more. He knew that he couldn't lie to Jason, not after everything he had done for him. But at the same time, he couldn't appear weak, that wasn't him. "It hurts a little with the recoil but it's only sore."
Jason nodded and knew straight away that the kid was downplaying his pain, like normal. "I'll get Trent to have a look at it when he gets back." He said. But with those words, Clay's head snapped to face him. Did Jason tell them where he had been?
"They know?" He asked with a little fear in his voice. If Trent knew that he had been at the range then he was dead.
"Yer," Jason said with a sigh. They were all in trouble for this and he knew it.
"How...?" Clay asked, there was no way Jason would outright tell them his plan unless something else had happened to force him too.
"Big Chief grassed on us... he saw you at the range, called Trent," Jason said with a sigh and allowed his hand to grip Clay's shoulder again.
"We in trouble?" Clay asked with a little worry.
"Not you. Just me." Jason said closing his eyes, he knew that Trent hadn't finished with him yet and he hadn't heard the end of it.
"That's a change," Clay chuckled and shook his head.
"Don't get used to it," Jason said laughing a little as he pushed Clay's shoulder a little. It was a playful shove but enough to send Clay into a small laughing fit. Jason shook his head. At least the kid hadn't lost his humour just yet.
Then the two fell back into silence.
"Do you really think I can come back?" Clay asked turning back looking at Jason. He knew what he must sound like a child but he couldn't help it. He was scared.
Jason moved over and pulled Clay into his side like a father would do a scared child. "Clay, listen to me, I don't have any doubts that you are coming back to Bravo. We are going to make sure that you get there, and if say we get spun up then Alpha or one of the other teams will stand in for us. I know Big Chief offered to keep an eye on you and will work with you if you need him."
And he meant every word of it, he had already spoken to the other teams and Big Chief at length about how they all were going to help Clay get back to his family. They had set everything in motion to make sure Clay had what he needed when the time came. That he had his brothers ready to help him as soon as he was healed enough to get back to them.
"Yer I know, he corned me in the range at the end and said if I was free and allowed then I could train Green Team for a bit," Clay said with a small smile. Big Chief scared the hell out of him when he was in Green Team but now the man acted like an older brother.
"See. We aren't letting you go without a fight. And at least you will get your hours in." Jason said with a small smile, they would never abandon a brother.
"What?" Clay asked as he looked at Jason who still had him in his grasp and Clay felt like Jason was not about to let him go just yet.
"You need training times to be run your own team," Jason added. He knew that one day Clay would replace him.
"My own team?" Clay asked in almost shock, he had planned to run his own team and he knew that Jason had mentioned it once or twice to him but to hear Jason admit it now shocked him. His career was so close to collapse that it felt like it was an impossible task to run his own team.
"I can't do this forever Clay. Bravo is going to need you when that time comes." Jason admitted. He knew that he had to show Clay that he too had his limits. And one day he planned for Clay to take over him when the time was right.
"What about Ray?" Clay asked in shock, Ray was next to be 1IC of Bravo not him. Ray had been doing this longer than him so why was Jason telling him that he was to take over Bravo when he retired.
"He thinks the same. It's what he saw in you when you were in Green Team." Jason said shrugging his shoulders. It was true at what he said. Ray had picked Clay because he saw in him that natural-born leader. Someone who could lead men the right way. The true way. He had no doubt that Clay would make them all proud as Bravo One.
"But I made the bottom five..." Clay said thinking back to his time in Green Team. He had nearly been kicked out for God's sake and yes he may have acted as Bravo Two for a time but that was it. He wasn't ready. Maybe he never would be.
"Yer so did I," Jason admitted. He knew Clay had no idea that their paths ran a very similar line, the only difference was by the point he made Bravo he was already a husband and a father.
"You did?" Clay asked shocked. He had no idea thee Jason Hayes had been in the bottom five during training. It didn't seem possible.
"Yer nearly didn't make it," Jason said shaking his head at the memory. It felt like a lift time ago he was in Green Team. "If it wasn't for Nate, Adam and Steve I wouldn't have." He added, he missed his brothers so much and mentioning them now caused the wounds to bleed inside him.
"Like I had Brian," Clay muttered. Thinking of Brian hurt badly, he still had the odd nightmare of watching his best friend fall to his death. It was one of the reasons why he now hated jumping. He did it if he had too but every time he did it he had a small pray. "Oddly enough we both lost them." Clay then muttered as he allowed his hand to capture the back of his neck.
"Yer, we did kid," Jason muttered and gripped Clay's arm now tightly.
"But they also made us. Funny how that works." Clay said with a small chuckle but this time the chuckle wasn't out of humour but pain and Jason knew what was playing around in the kid's head.
"Clay what happened to Brian wasn't your fault." He said firmly. He knew that the kid blamed himself for what happened to his friend, even though it was just an accident. The kid never believed that he felt somehow it was his fault.
"I was meant to pick that shoot." Clay said quietly like the words caused his heart to break even more.
"Clay! Brian's death was an accident. Ok, that wasn't on you." Jason said now physically turning the kid to face him.
"What about Adam's death? I slowed us down." Clay said shaking his head like he was physically trying to shake the images out of his head. Watching Brian fall to his death, watching Adam been blown up by an S-Vest. The images haunted and scarred his memory and all he wanted was them to stop.
"No Adam's death was my fault. Not yours." Jason said gripping hold of Clay and pulling him into a hug, as he did so he could feel his t-shirt become wet. He knew Clay was now crying. They sat there for a few moments till Clay pulled away from him and turned his body as he wrapped his arms around his abdomen like for protection from something.
"Maybe it's best I don't come back, people keep dying around me like some bad luck charm," Clay added quietly, he had thought about that for a while but saying those words made everything so much more real. His mother, his grandparents, Brain, Adam, Echo Team, Richard, the CIA team, Swanny. He couldn't deal with him been responsible for any more deaths. He couldn't cope with it.
"Hey, stop it. We live dangerous lives. We all know what we signed up for. Adam's number was up. You did nothing wrong. It was just one of those crappy things that happens in life." Jason said with real force this time. He was not about to let Clay blame himself for things he couldn't stop. That was their chose, they lived dangerous lives with no guarantee that they would see tomorrow. That was their way of life and he needed Clay to see it.
"Still sucks" Clay muttered and allowed his head to fall.
Jason sighed and pulled Clay's head into his chest again. The kid was suffering and he just wished he could make everything better like a father would bend the earth if that helped their kid. But he couldn't think like that. Not now. "I know brother." He whispered as he rested his chin into Clay's hair.
"Think I'm going to go to bed." Clay said finally as he pulled away and got to his feet. Now he wanted, no. Needed his bed.
"More then likely Trent will be in to see you when he gets back." Jason reminded him. Trent would actually wake the kid up to check him over, it didn't matter if the kid looked peaceful or not. Trent did what he wanted but he meant well at least.
"Tell him if he wakes me up I'm going to kill him," Clay muttered angrily to him as he started to move towards the hallway.
"He is going to do it anyway brother," Jason said with a chuckle and then laughed a lot more when he heard Clay's response to that. "Still going to kill him."
Jason knew that Clay would never harm his brothers but god could the kid pack a punch if he was angry enough. "Night Clay," he called as the kid moved down the hallway. It might only be six pm but they all needed sleep.
"Night boss," Clay called as he closed the door to his room.
At least he was safe. Jason thought as he leant back into his seat. Now all they had to do was to work on getting back into the field which sadly was going to be a lot harder than they first thought. But they would do it, together as a family. Like it was meant to be.
