Author's Note: ...
Edd stared at the garbage disposal in his sink as he watched his telephone spin around, bits of hard plastic raining down across his kitchen as it was shredded to kingdom come. Immediately after learning that Eddy had decided to call it quits on their forever friendship, Edd had fallen into denial. The only logical decision here was to destroy the one witness to Eddy's decision, the telephone, and pretend nothing had happened. Edd's fridge popped open, prompting him to turn away from his successful phone murder.
"*Guffaws* i adjusted ur thermostat double dee ahahaha now ur garbanzo paste will never spoil again," Ed said as he laid half-way inside the fridge and half-way on the kitchen floor. The intellectually challenged boy's expression twisted into one of confusion as he beheld the slaying of a telephone before him. "*Guffaws* i swear i aint see nuttin."
"I appreciate your silence on this matter, Ed. The phone company wouldn't take kindly to my destruction of such a sacred device of long-distance communication," Edd replied without his usual sarcastic mirth.
"*Guffaws* lordy loo ahahaha i shalt grab the shovel."
"A broom to sweep the loose bits away will suffice actually, however hiding the evidence of my unforgivable act is only the second worse problem we have now." Edd shuffled over to Ed and helped the semi-frozen boy upright. "I need to tell you something serious right now, Ed. I think you need to have a seat for this."
"*Guffaws* sorry mate ahahaha i already ate," Ed replied as he jabbed his thumb at Edd's now empty fridge.
"Phone murder, Eddy, and starvation... that's three problems now..." Edd muttered to himself before leading Ed by the shirt sleeve over to his kitchen table. He sat down in a chair and Ed plopped his fat ass onto his lap. "Shattered kneecap. Four problems."
"*Guffaws* when i used ur bathroom u ran out of toilet paper ahahaha five problems," Ed added.
"Thanks for helping keep tally," Edd replied before resting one arm across Ed's broad shoulders and rubbing his own right temple with his free hand. "Now where to start..."
"*Guffaws* how about the part where you put da kibosh on ur phone ahahaha was it a cursed phone"
"Perfect spot. Ed, there was a completely logical reason why I destroyed that infernal contraption and fortunately it has nothing to do with Eddy's infantile perceptions of curses and other clearly fantastical concepts. However, it unfortunately does involve Eddy himself. While you were busy feasting upon what meager food supplies my parents had left-"
"*Guffaws* dont forget the toilet paper double dee"
"-and using up the last means I had of wiping my bottom, I was contacted by our friend Eddy. As chilling as the revelation might be for you, Ed, I'm afraid he was captured by those rank prostitutes and no doubt forced to endure yet another humiliating ravishing at their calloused hands and cracked lips! The mere thought of his torture sent waves of remorse crashing throughout my very soul, but that turned out only to be the calm before the storm! Eddy proceeded to pour salt onto my already festering wounds and made the inexplicable and rash decision to-"
"*Guffaws* fuck up and git to da point double dee ahahaha"
"Eddy's not our friend anymore," Edd said simply for the simpleton. Ed's grin turned upside down into a frown. Those five words were more heartbreaking than fifty pebbles in his shoe.
"*Guffaws* B-B-But why... why Double D?" Ed sputtered before wrapping his powerful arms around Edd's neck and pulling him into a life-ending embrace. Tears began to fall from Ed's eyes and he watched as they spattered against the shards of phone plastic on the kitchen floor.
"I don't know, Ed... I... I wish I did, but I just don't know," Edd replied as he also wished he was wearing a bib to catch Ed's liquid depression. Edd knew that without Eddy's good looks and charm, he and Ed were just a science geek in a stinky hat and a comic geek in a stinky jacket. Worst still would be Eddy's situation, how his mighty ego would suffer without the completely undeserved affection from his two best friends. That was sort of Eddy's entire shtick. Not to mention that even if his completely brilliant plan to befriend their worst enemies worked, it would all have to be done without Eddy's help. Actually, that would probably increase the chances of the plan working now that Edd thought about it, but the thought felt rude so he squashed it.
"*Guffaws* times liek these i wish i still had my uno set ahahaha too bad my parents grounded it too," Ed lamented as he released his death hug from Edd's eerily twig-like neck and stared at his friend's forlorn expression. "*Guffaws* wut are we gonna do without eddy ahahaha he was my only excuse to go outside"
"All positive ideas escape me at the moment, but I read in last week's Molecule Monthly that a dose of fresh air helps one escape from savage thoughts of suicide. I suggest we go for a walk," Edd stated as Ed finally jumped off of what was left of his lap and helped him to his feet. As he and Ed strolled toward his front door, Edd's mind drifted to his math homework. The mathematical equations would be unsolvable without Eddy, especially if he ended up with a remainder of Rolf or, heaven forbid, Jonny. He may have to scrap them completely. He figured he'd worry about that little issue after he and Ed returned from their refreshing stroll around the neighborhood that despised them.
The lid of Ed's toilet slowly rose open as the head of a blonde hillbilly peeked out from inside the porcelain throne. "*Snort* holy crap eds bathroom is actually cleaner than ours lmao i wont stand for this injustice," May said in surprise before grasping the sides of the toilet seat and hoisting herself into the bathroom. Her body was slick with filth from the sewage portal she had to crawl through for a stealthy entry into Ed's abode, and a nasty puddle of bubbling sewer ooze was already forming around her drenched sneakers. "*Snort* i bet eds parents will make him lick up the mess i make lol my genius knows no end," she snickered before taking a proper glance around the bathroom. Ed's tub was barren of gravy like Lee's womb and May swore she could see her reflection on every inch of the tile.
After getting the lay of the bathroom, May sauntered into Ed's room like she owned the place instead of Sarah. She was amazed to find that the only thing left in the spotless room was a bunch of straw where Ed's bed used to be. "*Snort* ive heard of rolling in da hay rofl but my boyfriend has taken it too far dis time," she guffawed before moving onto the closet. She threw it open but was disappointed when only swinging clothes hangers greeted her. It was now official - Ed wasn't home and May had missed yet another prime opportunity to help him cash in his V-Card at Club Kanker. "*Snort* oh well lol at least i can grab a snack for da road," she reasoned before scooping up some straws from Ed's makeshift bed. With that, she returned to his bathroom and nosedived into the toilet, making sure to shut the lid lightly behind her.
"Pizza delivery for one Eddy Dreamboat McGee!" Lee shouted at the outside door to Eddy's room while holding a steaming hot pizza box in one hand. She tapped her foot impatiently as she adjusted the "Park N' Flush Pizza" hat she was wearing atop her towering tangle of hair. "There's a sexy pizza delivery woman waiting out here with cheesy surprise for a short hunk of a man!" she shouted after another few seconds had passed. The door remained shut and Lee's patience was wearing thinner than Marie's eye shadow after a spanking. She reached out and rapped her knuckles against the door, fearing she had come on too strongly with her enticing offers of Italian delight. Still nothing. "Screw this, onto Plan B. Or as mom would call it, breakfast," she relented before flinging the pizza box into the air like a Frisbee, sending it soaring over the fence and into Kevin's yard. "And here I thought acting out the plot to a shitty porno would be perfect way to fool Eddy," she pondered aloud before shoving her fingers into the crack of the bedroom door and forcing it open.
She stormed into Eddy's man cave and scanned the room like a serial killer searching for their next victim. With not an Ed, Edd, or Eddy in sight, Lee let out a breath of disappointment and decided to search the room for evidence instead. The Cul-De-Sac brat pack weren't exactly clear on what she and the minions she called her sisters were trying to find, but she figured that the Dork Nation's Ringleader Eddy would be the one to have it. She walked over to his dresser and opened up one of the drawers before ruffling around inside.
"Secret Book of Scams? Nope. A magic boomerang? Nope. A picture of Eddy's Brother? He's pretty sexy, but sorry - nope," Lee droned on as she tossed Eddy's possessions onto the floor. She abandoned the dresser and crouched down beside the bed before lifting the sheets up. In between stacks of stained Jiggy Girls issues and an emergency stash of junk food, she was surprised to see a wooden board with a grinning face drawn on it. She grabbed it and stood back up.
"How the hell did Eddy end up with May's backscratcher?" Lee asked herself as she stared down at the cheap piece of plywood. "I swear on Marie's life that if May is trying to make Eddy her next lamb chop then I'm putting thumbtacks in her Kanker burger!" With her frustration vented, she threw the board onto Eddy's bed and took one last look around the room. She was getting bored of dicking around in Eddy's room at this point, especially since there was no actual dicking going on, and decided to give up with the hope that one of her better looking sisters had more luck. With that, she pulled a Houdini and disappeared with a trace.
Eddy walked into his bedroom a few seconds after her departure with a family-sized tub of Rocky Road ice cream tucked under his arm. He stopped in his tracks when he saw a bunch of his stuff laying all over the floor like a badass frat party had erupted in his room in his absence. His eyes locked onto the most likely culprit sitting on his bed.
"What the f*** is the big idea, Plank?! If you think disrespecting my personal space is gonna get me to pony up protection money, you're barking up the wrong d*** tree!" Eddy yelled as he jealously guarded his ice cream.
"..." Plank shot back sarcastically.
"F*** off, I don't still owe you one! What about those tickets for that Beatles cover band I coughed up? Those things took me like an hour to forge! If anything, you owe me one now!" he shouted before shoveling a spoonful of creamy goodness into his mouth.
"..." Plank asked inquisitively.
"No, you can't have any of my ice cream! It's the only medicine to cure what's ailing me! Now get the f*** outta my room before I do some birdwatchin' of my own with you!" he replied before tossing the tub of ice cream to the side. He leaped into action and wrestled Plank to the ground, both of them rolling around as they grappled. Eddy finally gained the upper hand and kicked the ungrateful bark bastard out on his tooshie before sliding the door shut. He retrieved his trusty tub and spoon before sitting down on the edge of his bed. Dealing with his self-imposed exile from the warm sides of his two best friends was already bad enough; he hardly wanted to put up with shit-talking floorboards on top of it. After enjoying a few more scoops of depression-curing goodness, Eddy experienced a critical sugar crash and fell backwards into a mini coma on his bed.
"I packed this ball gag for nothing," Marie cursed as she broke into Edd's room through the window and saw no trace of the fidgety mad scientist. She carefully slid the window shut behind her before turning around and admiring the neatly organized room layered with a nauseating number of bright yellow sticky notes. She strolled over to Edd's bed while squeezing her precious ball gag like a stress toy. She let out a melancholy sigh as she looked over its freshly steamed sheets - it was a shame that instead of Edd laying on it waiting for her to give him the bad touch, it was as empty as May's bowels when she gets hold of the Drano. She stretched her arms out before flopping down on the bed, deciding she might as well wait for Edd to return so she could squeeze him like a tube of toothpaste until he squirted a confession all over her face.
She lifted the ball gag up above her and stared at it before letting a breath of satisfaction and lung cancer escape from between her lips. It would only be a matter of time now before Ed and Edd joined Eddy full steam ahead on the Kanker Express, and she couldn't help but let her imagination run wild. There were so many plans she had for Edd that she had been waiting so long to try out. Most of her plans involved copious chains, whips, and dog collars. Marie giggled to herself in amusement: it was actually all of them. Her amusement turned into horror for a brief moment when she realized what a total piece of shit she was, but fortunately for the plot she managed to shoo away these non-sociopathic thoughts.
She began to hum "Friends Are There to Help You" to herself creeptastically. In reality, she enjoyed being human scum and lording over the hapless retards of Peach Creek. The Eds and all their little nameless friends too. It was a feeling none other could match, and she had a shot directly to her veins of it earlier when she and May did the stank-nasty with Eddy right under Lee's snotty nose. The other times Eddy had given in like a timid puppy, but she and May got to forcibly neuter him in that special moment in the woods. She knew that if she enjoyed destroying Eddy's life this much, then shattering Edd's dreams and aspirations was going to be like crack cocaine.
As fantasies that would make a death row inmate blush swirled in Marie's head, she took another look around the room until her gaze settled on a notebook resting on Edd's desk. Temporarily distracted from thoughts of Edd kneeling before her and calling her master, she rose from the bed and walked over to the desk. The front of the notebook bore the boring title "My Solutions" and Marie was bored herself at Edd's lack of creativity. Throwing caution to the wind, she decided to flip the book open to see if there was anything more interesting inside. Her eternal boredom worsened as rows upon rows of math equations revealed themselves to her.
"If I didn't have a chronic obsession with Double D, my panties would be as dry as the Mojave right now," Marie quipped as her eyes scanned over one of the math problems. "Sarah plus Ed times phone call minus Dutch equals loving sister with a remainder of salty bitch," she read in a flat tone. A light bulb flicked on in her head when she not only realized she was literate, but also that this wasn't just any plain old algebra assignment. "Wait a sec. Sarah?" she said to herself. "Ed's sister has a name?" She flipped a few more pages to another section of problems and solutions. "Kevin plus grounded divided by escape to the third power of Eddy equals jock with a heart of gold," she whispered to herself as she experienced flashbacks to her numerous failing grades in remedial math. With her curiosity solidly sold to Edd's book of algebraic wonders, she skipped some more pages until she came to a section titled "Finding the Square Root of Kanker".
A wicked smile played across her lips as she read over how many times Edd used division for his Kanker problems. "Too bad I'm all about multiplication tables," she said before shutting the book and snatching it from the desktop. She had conveniently struck gold and it was time to share the wealth with her sisters and their dork-obsessed employers. The notebook pulled tight to her chest as if it was a touching love letter, Marie made her great escape out Edd's bedroom window and made off with her prize so she could brag to the utter failures that were her sisters.
Rivets of sweat poured down Nazz's entire mind, body, and soul as she struggled to pull a massive dirty plow behind her in Rolf's backyard. She tripped over a clump of dirt and faceplanted, the ropes she used for her arduous labor falling around her in long strings. "Dude, I can't believe I left the safety of my birdwatch-proof bunker for this," Nazz lamented as Rolf stood at the edge of the tilled patch of dirt.
"Rid yourself of your suburban weakness, ho-ho Nazz-girl, this is but the first of Rolf's trials you must endure if we shall commence the time of hanging!" Rolf said as he faced the opposite direction toward his fence. "Next you must apply fresh bandages to the dribbling blood sockets Rolf once called his eyes!"
"Rolf, you told me on the phone you wanted me over here for dinner and a movie, not to do all your chores for you!" Nazz complained as she pulled her battered body from the soil. "Haven't your eyes healed up by now? How many fingers am I holding up, dude?" She held up four fingers and Rolf adjusted his gore-spattered sunglasses.
"How many chickens is almost ten?" Rolf questioned.
"It would help if you were actually looking at me!"
"Enough of your guessing games and questioning Rolf's vision like that of a hawk! We must now grab hold of Victor's milk spouts before they run dry like Nana's throat when my cousins visit from the old country! To Rolf's shed!" The farmhand charged straight into his tractor and rebounded off the back tire.
"How about we take a break and go find Kevin? I don't think either one of us is cut out for hard manual labor right now," Nazz offered as Rolf landed in front of her whirling around on his ass like a spin top.
"Right now?! Rolf doesn't believe you were ever cut out for it!"
"Are you saying that because I'm a woman?" she asked angrily. Rolf took off his sunglasses in shock, allowing the dry summer heat to sizzle his eye wounds.
"You were of the female breed the entire time?! How could you trick Rolf with your boyish bob-cut and chest of a prepubescent school child?"
"Rolf, you call me Nazz-girl all the time! I'm just blonde, not a ditz."
"Could have fooled Rolf! Yet now that I am done yanking your neck-chain, Rolf must ask where Kevin and the wimpy tool of transportation he calls a bicycle are? Is he not sentenced to a penance of solitude for his street-racing shenanigans?"
"I checked by his house but there was no one home. So then I tried to find Sarah and Dutch to play badminton, but they were no shows too. Then I got desperate and tried to find the Eds to beg them to scam me, but I couldn't find them anywhere either!"
"What about wood-whisperer Jonny?"
"I refuse to speak the name of the forbidden one, dude."
"As would Rolf, yet Jonny-the-wood-humper is an Urban Ranger and without his noggin' worthy of blotting out the sun, Rolf's scout troupe would no longer be of regulation size!" Before Nazz could further lament her bald-headed admirer, she spotted Ed carrying a panting and delirious Edd in his arms walking by Rolf's fence.
"Ed-dudes, over here!" Nazz called out, catching their attention. "Can I talk to you guys for a sec? I need to speak with someone with a full set of eyes for once today."
"*Guffaws* speak of da devil ahahaha i have a swoll pair of irises just for u," Ed replied as he walked over to Rolf's fence and prepared to set Edd down.
"Wait! I can't bear to stand a minute longer! Please continue to carry my carcass until the sores on my heels scab over!" Edd pleaded as he hung onto Ed for dear life.
"*Guffaws* a minute longer ahahaha we were only walking for thirty seconds."
"It's nice of you to carry Double D around like that, Ed, if only my friends were that considerate," Nazz said as Rolf crawled across the ground and stopped beside her.
"Rolf was taught to only carry a woman at the conclusion of a shotgun wedding!" Rolf said as he grabbed hold of the fence to pull himself to his feet.
"Ed is indeed the best friend a boy with a sock on his head for ask for. Now if I may, I'd like to ask what you and Rolf need with us? We're busy with a brisk walk to rejuvenate our shattered minds," Edd stated as Ed rocked him back and forth and hummed a lullaby.
"I was wondering if you guys would like to scam us-" Nazz began desperately before Rolf jabbed her in the ribs with a trowel. "I mean, I was wondering if you guys have seen anyone else around? You know, someone cool like Kevin? Or someone a little less cool but still cool enough for my presence like Dutch or Sarah?"
Ed and Edd exchanged glances for a second.
"I hate to be so blunt, but Ed and I aren't known to freely associate with any of the aforementioned low lives."
"Uh, isn't Sarah your sister, Ed?"
"*Guffaws* by birth but not by choice ahahaha thats what sarah told me to say," Ed replied.
"As always Rolf must ask the obvious, why is it that your faces are stained with the shame of manhood?" Rolf interjected. Edd quickly pulled out a hankey and wiped away the tear smears from he and Ed's faces.
"Where for art thou tears?" Edd asked.
"Thou art bitches," Rolf retorted.
"You have a solid point there, Rolf, but if there's something bothering you guys, you can always let us know! We can lend you down in the dump dudes an ear if you need it," Nazz suggested kindly.
"There's little point in that, Nazz. You'd probably end up telling me to shut the fuck up," Edd replied.
"Wow, everyone's making solid points today, I've gotta step my game up."
"Well if we're done playing this particular game, Ed and I must return to our aimless wandering among suburbia. Perhaps once we move out of the denial phase, we'll be more willing to share our ills."
"*Guffaws* im saving my ills for mom ahahaha she cant ground me once shes in a rest home," Ed related.
"Have it your way, weak-in-the-knees Ed-boys! As for mighty Rolf and his loyal wench-girl Nazz, we must be off to pick up Rolf's prescription glasses!" Rolf announced as he stuck his arms out around him to try and feel out where Nazz was standing.
"Or we could go find Kevin and the others and have actual fun instead?" Nazz suggested.
"So we shall! Rolf does not need medical aid for his impeccable vision anyway!"
"Good luck to you both! Now let's be off, Ed, I hear there's a prime spot in the junkyard for us to empty our tear ducts!" Edd stated.
"*Guffaws* swell idea double dee ahahaha thats where my homeless seagull pals penelope edmund and nester live after their landlord evicted them," Ed replied before throwing Edd over his shoulder like a used gym towel and galloping off.
"And to think I almost offered to hang out with them. I really am nothing without you or Kevin," Nazz thought aloud as cold fear enveloped her.
"And never forget that! Shall we begin the hunt for Kevin and our other wayward friends?" Rolf asked as his hands finally found Nazz and he gripped her shoulders to use her as a living crutch.
"Totally dude, right after I use your shower to wash away the smell of blue collar labor," Nazz answered before leading the blind boy by his hand toward his house.
Sarah was all by her lonesome as she swung limply on a swing at the playground, the distant echoes of schoolchildren ringing out as a sad reminder of the kids she would never have with Dutch. Her regret over having spoiled her friendship with her former best friend had matured in full, and she had spent the last thirty minutes thinking of ways to create a time machine to undo her future as an insane cat lady. The swing next to her rattled briefly to life as a newcomer sat upon it.
"Hey, Sarah," Dutch said meekly as he wrapped his hands around the rusty swing chains Peach Creek county refused to replace.
"Hey, stranger," Sarah replied as she drilled a hole in the dirt with her intense stare.
"A little melodramatic, don't you think?" he asked, eliciting a snicker from the moody redhead.
"Thanks, I know I've hit rock bottom when I have you of all people calling me melodramatic."
"Don't feel so bad about what happened. If it makes you feel better, you're not the only one desperately searching for a time portal to undo the future where I become a crazy hermit in the woods."
"Dang, good call on the time portal. No way I could build a time machine anyway, I can hardly build a house for Polly Poo Poo out of Duplo blocks," Sarah lamented. Dutch took his hand off of the child proof suspension system and laid it on her shoulder.
"We don't have to keep up this pitiful charade, we can always go back to the way things were."
"Is it really that simple?"
"Sure it is! You drag me into whatever girly crap you have planned for the day like always, and I use you to ward off my dad's sneaking suspicion that I've been trying on my mom's high heels like always. Just like old times!"
"Except it won't be like old times. Because now you will always know how badly I want to give you my girl germs," Sarah said. Dutch winced in response and fell silent, unable to cook up a witty rebuttal. As the awkward silence built to an unbearable level, Dutch's attention turned to three people rapidly approaching from the southern quadrant of the playground.
"I never thought I'd say this, but - thank God it's the Kanker sisters!" Dutch cried.
"That's more like it!" Lee exclaimed as she and her sisters stopped in front of the two heartbroken tweens. "'Bout time someone screamed something nice when they saw us instead of just, ya know, screaming!"
"*Snort* says u lol those are screams of appreciation for all our hard work," May claimed as Sarah and Dutch hopped off the swings and dusted themselves clean of romantic drama.
"So my lovely harpies of misery, what are those dirty bass turds up to?" Dutch asked. Suddenly the stench of decay hit his nose and he swiftly stuck his shoulder stuffing up his nostrils. "And why does it suddenly smell like Wilfred's turnip farts?"
"Don't worry, Dutch, that's just the pleasant smell of May's sweaty pits when she forgets to apply Stench Away in the morning!" Lee explained.
"*Snort* naw lmao i just got back from swimming in a toilet," May replied.
"What a coincidence, that's where mom says you were born too!"
"*Snort* shut up lee lol," May shot back. Lee throat chopped her in response.
"I always hate to interrupt May getting physically abused, but this is what those filthy tuna drops are up to," Marie stated before presenting Edd's notebook for the class.
"Oh no, the Eds are going to hit us with a book?!" Sarah yelped in terror.
"Those fiends!" Dutch chimed in.
"Whoa, hold your horses there! Our little boy toys might be crazy, but they're not that extreme!" Lee interjected to calm the dynamic douche duo down.
"Lee's right - if that was their plan, we might as well throw in the towel right now," Marie said before flipping the notebook open. "But lucky us, this is what my fuckwit of a fuckslave is actually planning in that big, throbbing brain of his." She cleared her throat before pulling out one of Edd's sockhats from her pocket and putting it on her head. "While many a great mathematician has argued that she is not a variable, I instead argue the opposite. In this section, I have inscribed detailed notes on how to fit her as a variable into the classic form of a polynomial expression, utilizing basic means of addition, subtraction, and multiplication to achieve the desired solution. In figure one point three, I show how the inclusion of a vacuum cleaner as a non-negative integer exponent of her bedroom could lead to appreciation for the hard labors of her brother, who is a commonly misunderstood and chaotic variable."
Everyone stared quietly at Marie after she finished her spiel.
"So does all that actually mean anything or did Dutch completely waste everyone's time hiring you guys?" Sarah asked, breaking the icy silence.
"It means two things. First, that I do a scary good impression of Double D. Second, that the variable he's waxing poetic about is known as Sarah in the circles of the math elite," Marie revealed as she turned to the pages of the notebook toward her. In an instant, red hot fury frothed from Sarah's mouth as her eyes poured over line after line of her name being stuck into all sorts of nutty scenarios that betrayed the very foundations of math.
"Gimme that notebook!" Sarah screeched as she ripped it from Marie's clutches and stuck her nose in the binding. "Sarah plus alcohol multiplied by low tolerance equals easily manipulated sibling?! Sarah minus wrath plus two sleeping pills equals cure for domestic violence?!" she screamed aloud as Dutch pranced up and down in glee behind her. He was praying that with Sarah's true rage power unlocked, she would forget all about her affection for him while in the throes of murderous intent toward Edd.
"*Snort* that equation is total bs rofl i put sleeping pills in lees soda all the time but the beatings continue," May said as she finished putting on a neck brace.
"I can think of a skinny jerk who's about to get the beating to end all beatings!" Sarah shouted as the notebook vibrated violently in her hands. "Is Double D really so stupid that he thinks all of this will ever make me respect my brother?!"
"No. Double D is actually even stupider than that if you read the rest," Marie said as she reached into the shaking notebook and turned to the section on Kevin. Once Sarah had her fill of Edd's plot for the edgy jock, Marie flipped over to his machinations related to her and her sisters. Sarah's head jilted back and forth like a malfunctioning robot as she read over the nerd's plans for the sexy trailer beasts, veins in her neck bulging out as she gritted her teeth.
"You know what?!" Sarah yelled as she shoved the notebook back into Marie's waiting arms. "Double D might be the prince of stupid for writing this garbage, but Ed and Eddy have to be the king and queen of stupid to actually go along with it! None of us ever wanted to be their friends since the first time they stole a quarter from us, and we won't be friends with them the last time they steal one either!"
"B-But of course with all that being said," Dutch nervously interjected. "We absolutely respect them as your boyfriends and property."
"Newsflash, pantywaist, do you think we give two squirts of shit if you hate the Eds?" Lee asked.
"That's the type of question I don't want to give a wrong answer to so I politely decline to say another word," he replied as he pulled his sweater down over his crotch.
"Then let me fill in the blank for ya: we don't care for those two-timin' deadbeats neither," she revealed as Dutch released the grip on his sweater and checked for unsightly stretchmarks. He didn't really understand why the Kankers would commit five dozen counts of sexual assault on the Eds if they hated them too, but then he remembered they were complete fucking psychopaths so he wisely decided to drop the subject.
"O-Okay, now that we're all on the same page as far as the Eds and their dismal approval ratings, what shall we do now?" Dutch asked as Sarah madly wriggled her fingers beside him.
"We're gonna take a trip down to the Peach Creek Gun Store and-" Sarah began to bellow until Lee stepped forward, her evil aura casting a cone of silence over the berserk tyke.
"As much as I love lead-based solutions, this situation calls for a Kanker-based solution! We're pulling the strings from here on out so you brats better fall in line!" Lee announced proudly, redirecting Sarah's potent electric rage toward her.
"No way, I'm the Vice President of our club so I use power of veto! I bet President Kevin would back me up if he was here!"
"I don't give a shit about your bureaucratic procedures, I'm cutting through the red tape!" Lee shouted in response as she loomed over the flame-headed demonic youngin'.
"You don't have the authority! You guys are basically mercenaries, you have no political power here!" Sarah screamed up at the polked-dotted trailer trash greaseball.
"This is a coup so you two better start waving the white flag or me and the girls will have to physically teach you the meaning of bi-curious!" Lee threatened back as May and Marie leered at Sarah's small vulnerable body from behind her. Thinking quickly of a way to save he and Sarah from traumatic abuse by their neighborhood elders, Dutch yanked the white shoulder stuffing out of his nose and waved it in the air as he dove between Sarah and the Kankers.
"You guys have my vote to lead the charge against those piggy bank pilfering rascals!" Dutch cried desperately as he stood in front of Sarah and held up his snotty nose rag.
"Traitor! Kevin is gonna put your head on a spike for this!" Sarah complained rather unconvincingly from behind him, suddenly grateful that Dutch had spared her body from a rowdy round of Kanker-brand torment.
"That's four ballots against three now, Sarah! With my vote, I do solemnly swear an oath of allegiance to our benevolent Kanker overlords!" Dutch said before grabbing Lee's hand and trying to kiss it to seal the deal.
"Save your groveling for the after-party!" Lee shouted before pimp-slapping Dutch backwards into Sarah's arms.
"This entire situation was ticking me off, but it ended with you in my loving embrace so I'm cool now," Sarah cooed as Dutch struggled like a misbehaving toddler in her hands.
"*Snort* why dont u ever hug me liek that marie lol," May complained as Marie stuffed the sockhat back into her pocket for future kinky role-playing use.
"Because Lee never hugged me like that. I didn't have a good role model in sisterhood," Marie replied as Lee wiped her hand clean of Dutch's boy germs on May's shirt.
"And mom never hugged me, so I always thought sucker punches were the only proper way to say 'I love you'!" Lee finished before turning back toward her two new servants. "Now if you two brats are done embarrassing yourselves, here's what you're gonna do next: tell speed racer and Woodstock willy all about Double D's kooky friendship scheme and then you four are gonna come over to our place tomorrow afternoon so we can all plan how to rape the Eds' childhood."
"You mean ruin the Eds' childhood?" Dutch asked.
"Whatever synonym you want to use, little man! Now, as much as me and the girls love dominating you punks, even we need a break from time to time so we're off home for infomercials and a group bath!" Lee announced, bringing their diplomatic meeting to an end.
"*Snort* dont forget to lather up my back this time lmao dont wanna miss a spot after my journey thru eds sewage line," May chimed in.
"It's a deal, but only if you promise not to drink the shampoo again," Marie replied.
"As long as you two make sure to get between my toes with the scrubber, I'll lather up any body part ya want me to!" Lee stated before giving a nod toward Dutch and Sarah. "We'll see you brats tomorrow, and don't be afraid to bring a tribute! We accept cash, food, or virgin sacrifices!" With that, the loathsome girls made their exit from the playground, leaving their two newly minted Kanker slaves by their lonesome.
"I propose we make off to find Kevin and Jonny before I have to spend anymore energy thinking about Kanker bath time," Dutch suggested as he finally slipped free of Sarah's frilly fingers.
"If there's a good part of this, it'll be watching Kevin have a melt down now that he's no longer the alpha of the group," Sarah reasoned before giggling.
"Maybe, but hopefully he takes out his impotence on Jonny and not us."
"Don't sweat it, Kevin might be a hothead with mommy problems but even he's not as stupid as those Eds. He'll come around," Sarah stated without a hint of irony. "Besides, I don't really care who's running our club. Heck, even if it Plank was in charge, as long as the Eds get what's coming to them it doesn't matter to me."
"Preach it, sister! Now let's go find Kevin and Jonny before the angst sets in again!" Dutch proclaimed. The two of them left the playground at long last, which was now empty save for some alley cats playing a rousing game of Uno by the monkey bars.
"Bringing along someone who can't see to search for people wasn't my brightest idea..." Nazz complained to herself as she and Rolf stood in the lane.
"Poppycock, Rolf still has four other senses!" Rolf replied before feeling up a trash can. "Rolf cannot believe his luck! A giant can of sugar pop!"
"That's a metal bin of garbage, Rolf."
"In the old country that was my favorite brand!" he proclaimed before removing the lid and using his tongue to taste the contents.
"We've made it like one hundred feet from your house, dude! Can we please move on? I was thinking we should check down by the Candy Store. If Kevin isn't there, maybe we'll run into Dutch or Sarah!"
"Perhaps the market of sugary delights finally took Rolf's advice and added candied beets to their selection!" he replied as he spit out a rotten fish bone and slammed the lid back on the can. "Now take Rolf's hand so that we can-"
"Be quiet, Rolf!" Nazz suddenly pleaded in a panicked voice as she ran over to him and slapped her hand over his mouth.
"You are right, slow-your-roll Nazz-girl! To touch the hand of a girl who is not my wife is heresy!" Rolf yelled between Nazz's fingers. She balled up her hand into a fist and stuffed it inside of Rolf's mouth and down his throat to finally silence him.
"Not that! It's those three crazy chicks from the trailer park..." Nazz said as her voice dropped to a whisper. She watched as the Kanker sisters strolled down the lane toward them. Nazz's heart was practically pumping in rhythm with each step they took toward her. Rolf suddenly started waving his arms in the air as he gagged on Nazz's hand. "What are you trying to tell me, dude?" she asked. He began pointing his fingers rapidly down the lane. "Good idea, Rolf. If we stand here completely still, they may not see us..." The tall boy's arms dropped by his sides as he tried to sigh, but all that came out was a low gurgle.
Nazz watched with wide eyes as the Kankers came closer and closer. She could feel pins and needles running across her skin as she gripped the side of her pants with her free hand. She could feel Rolf's drool coating her other hand and wrist as he let out slow breaths. The feeling of terror passed as the Kankers walked by them without so much as an untoward glance. After a moment, she removed her hand from Rolf's gob.
"Is it once again safe for Rolf to speak? Rolf would like to utter a prayer to Yeshmiyek that I shall never again have my throat plunged by the fist of so tiny a woman," Rolf stated as Nazz patted him on the shoulder with her hand wet with saliva.
"It was a close call, but it looks like you aren't the only one with bad eyesight around here," Nazz said in relief. "Now let's go-"
"-nibble on May's ear while her sisters watch?! Just what I was thinkin'!" Lee's voice boomed from behind Nazz and Rolf, causing them to dive away in terror. The pair rammed into a recycling bin, causing empty cans to spill out and clatter across the lane. Nazz quickly helped Rolf to his feet as she stared down the Kankers, who were busy choking on their own laughter.
"Th-That sounds like a great time but unfortunately I'm already scheduled to nibble on Kevin's ear!" Nazz eked out as she held onto Rolf's arm for support.
"*Snort* no need to be nervous lol kevin has two ears so we can share," May joked before letting her tongue spill out of her mouth and panting like a dog in heat.
"Begone foul succubi or Rolf will be forced to banish you to the chicken coop of disgrace!" Rolf shouted as he punched the air with his free hand. Nazz stared at Rolf in disbelief as he faced the wrong way and shadow boxed invisible foes.
"Turn around, Rolf..." Nazz whispered to him, causing him to whirl around and give an embarrassed grin.
"Rolf meant to do that! Rolf was only firing warning shots!"
"I would feel pretty bad about beating on a blind man," Marie admitted before cracking her knuckles. "But I would feel pretty good about beating off a blind man."
"Looks like Marie wants to have round two with your funny-talkin' friend, bimbolicious!" Lee taunted as she and her sisters closed in on their prey while hooping and hollering like trailer park hyenas. "Why don't you run off to the red light district while we show him a good time Kanker-style?!" Nazz clammed up in response, not knowing what to do.
"Rolf believes you should flee while there is still time," Rolf said before slipping his arm out of Nazz's nervous grasp. "Rolf has endured the torment of his body at the hands of the sisters-who-lick-dongs once before! Rolf shall not run from it now!"
"No, Rolf! I won't let it happen again!" Nazz cried before shoving him away. She turned her attention to the approaching Kankers and steeled her resolve. "If you three want to put your hands on someone, try me on for size!" She balled her hands into fists and readied herself. She didn't know the first thing about real fighting but she knew she couldn't let them violate Rolf ever again. The Kankers paused for a moment, causing a flicker of hope to ignite inside of Nazz; maybe she was actually intimidating them!
"Have it your way then, doll face!" Lee finally replied before laying her hands on May and Marie's shoulders. "How about it, girls? Instead of doing the same old boring kiss-and-tell with the country boy, we do a little fanservice with bubblehead blondie!"
"What?!" Nazz yelped as she fell backwards in shock and landed on her behind.
"*Snort* im so horny i dont even care lmao hope she lieks the taste of toilet breath," May replied before giving a bucktooth grin.
"It's about damn time. I'm ready to do my part for all the desperate shippers out here," Marie answered as she wrung her hands together lustfully.
"N-Now wait a sec, dudettes! I was getting way ahead of myself! Rolf still really wants to fight you and I'm not the type of girl to get in the way of a big strong man and a brawl-" Nazz began when suddenly Rolf started bellowing war cries.
"Find Kevin while Rolf enlightens the Kanker-girls to the true meaning of pain!" Rolf screamed while beating the ever-loving shit out of a trash bag.
"Fuck me," Nazz cursed.
"That's the idea!" Lee said before making a grab for her. Nazz crawled backward like a crab and narrowly avoided Lee's grubby paws before launching herself to her feet and making a mad dash down the lane. "Come back here so we can give you the two finger treatment, princess!" Lee yelled as she and her sisters gave chase, leaving Rolf to brutally execute the trash bag using his teeth.
Kevin leaned back against the cool brick of the Food Lion with his hands behind his head while whistling at passing women and laughing at the angry stares of their husbands. Jonny sat on the sidewalk next to him munching on Chunky Puffs straight from the box and occasionally taking sips from a gallon jug of milk. "Thanks again for the free meal, Kevin! With Plank, usually I'm the one handing out freebies!" Jonny said in appreciation for Kevin's selfless gesture.
"Don't sweat it. Hell, I would've bought you a lobster dinner just to shut you up," Kevin replied before reaching an arm down and digging around in his pocket. "You think I can nail that tacky ass station wagon from here, bro?" he asked as he produced a baseball from his pocket and pointed at a vehicle out in the parking lot.
"Go for it! If the cops show up you can just tell them to arrest me!" Jonny said as tiny colorful cereal balls shot out of his mouth.
"Choice. If my aim's good enough, I might be able to rebound into that SUV for a two-fer!" Kevin said before winding up for a pitch. Jonny suddenly grabbed hold of Kevin's arm and spit soggy Chunky Puffs all over his sneakers. "Fuck you, Jonny! This pitch is hitting that goal post you call a head now!"
"Cut me some slack, I just didn't want you to accidentally whack Dutch or Sarah with that thing!" Jonny quickly explained before pointing out into the parking lot. Sure enough, the two of them were walking toward Kevin and Jonny with relieved expressions on their faces.
"You're off the hook this time, but after this we're hitting up the Vans store so you can shoplift a new pair of kicks for me," Kevin said before stuffing the baseball back into his pocket.
"Boy am I happy to finally see you two!" Dutch proclaimed as he and Sarah stopped in front of them.
"Can't speak for Jonny, but seeing me usually brings a smile to everyone's face," Kevin bragged before flexing.
"Can you get anymore full of yourself?" Sarah retorted, Kevin nodding proudly. "We're happy to see you because walking in complete silence next to each other wasn't getting any less awkward."
"That and the fact that we finally got the deets on what those sly weasels the Eds are up to!" Dutch stated as a sinister grin spread across his face.
"Well go ahead and spit it out before this dorkwad spits anymore cereal on my shoes!" Kevin demanded impatiently.
"Marie Kanker showed Sarah and I a notebook she found in Double D's room that contained the Eds' latest scheme! It seems that their ingenious plan was to become friends with us!" Dutch revealed to an unfazed Kevin.
"And?" Kevin asked as he raised an eyebrow.
"And that's it!"
"Do you take me for a fucking idiot, fluffy?" Kevin growled as the mood darkened.
"Well it was also in the form of math equations for some reason!"
"So you're telling me I humiliated myself in front of those race-rigging Kankerdorks just so they could find out that the Dork Nation's secret plan was to become my friend using the deadly art of algebra?" Kevin winced out as his right eye twitched. Jonny scooted away from Kevin nervously with his milk and cereal in tow.
"Yes I am," Dutch answered timidly.
"Totally worth it. Good call on going to those three to get intel on the Dork Nation!" Kevin replied coolly, lifting the air of dread that had fallen on the group.
"Well what can I say?! I'm both adorable and cunning to the core!" Dutch bragged as Sarah nudged him in the arm roughly with her elbow.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Sarah asked as she gave him a knowing look.
"Oh right! Of course! I forgot to mention that Marie also did a stunning Double D impression! You would've loved it, Kevin!"
"Damn right I would! If her impression was good enough, I would've even called her a dork just to enhance the realism!" Kevin answered before fist-bumping Dutch.
"What about that other little thing?" Sarah interjected before grabbing Dutch by the shoulder and shaking him. Dutch shot her a worried glance.
"D-Don't make me say it and ruin all this good will I've suddenly built up with the hottest football player on the Cobblers," Dutch pleaded.
"Say what? Are you keeping something from the head honcho of the Anti-Dork Cult?!" Kevin demanded as his demeanor turned sour once again. Dutch sighed and then inched behind Sarah for protection.
"The other teeny tiny bit of news I forgot to mention was that the Kankers totally took over our little club and are running things now..." Dutch whimpered as Sarah basked blissfully in his presence. To everyone's surprise, Kevin gave a short chuckle.
"Is that all, dude?" he asked as he slowly crossed his arms.
"Y-Yes, that's all."
"Cool," Kevin said before turning to face the brick wall behind him.
"Are you alright-" Jonny began to ask when suddenly Kevin unleashed a rapid combo attack on the brick wall with his bare fists while screaming dork over and over again. Shoppers began to flee the scene as Jonny, Dutch, and Sarah watched in silence and refused to move a muscle out of place. Once Kevin's knuckles were properly pounded into a pulp and the wall was smeared with his steaming rage blood, he stopped his assault and then turned to his friends with a satisfied sigh.
"Are you good now? Or do we need to find another wall for you to flip out on?" Sarah asked in annoyance, though she was still slightly shell-shocked from the manly display of prowess.
"I don't need a wall when my next target is right here!" Kevin replied before jabbing a finger at the cowardly boy shaking behind her. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pound you into a dork pancake, fluffy!"
"You touch Dutch and you'll need a crutch, that's why!" Sarah yelled back.
"That's right!" Dutch said as Kevin and Sarah's faces sweltered with rage inches from each other. "And besides, it was all Sarah's fault anyway! She didn't even try to stop them!"
"Thanks for the knife in the back, fathead!" Sarah shouted before knocking Dutch away like an annoying groupie. "Dutch is wrong anyway, we all know it was Jonny that let the Kankers take over!"
"I wasn't even there!" Jonny protested as he threw his milk jug on the sidewalk, wasting a vital calcium supplement as its contents spilled onto the asphalt.
"You know what? I don't give a flying dork whose fault it is anymore! No way am I letting those nasty bitches boss me around!" Kevin shouted as he leaned away from Sarah. "We'll just have to cook up a plan on our own to nuke the Dork Nation into dust!"
"A little late for that!" Dutch interjected as he picked himself up from the sidewalk. "The Kankers already expect us to meet them at their trailer tomorrow afternoon for a planning session!"
"So? We aren't showing up for that shindig! The trailer park ain't a place for cool people like me."
"Do you really want to give them a reason to come after you again?"
"Ha! I ain't scared of those three hicks! I bet they don't even own a squat rack!" Kevin retorted as he properly puffed his pecks.
"Okay, so you go do your squats or whatever while the rest of us show up to the Kankers' trailer like team players," Sarah suggested as Dutch and Jonny nodded.
"Works for me! I couldn't turn down my one sincere invite to go inside a girl's house anyway!" Jonny chimed in.
"You bozos are really choosing the Kankers over me? Are you serious?" Kevin asked angrily. "Some Anti-Dork Brotherhood you guys are!"
"Hey, the rest of us don't care who's in charge as long as we get sweet payback on the Eds! Maybe you should get with the program instead of being a big baby about it!" Sarah shot back.
"It ain't worth getting revenge on those dickhead dorks if I gotta put up with the Kankers!"
"Oh, I forgot to mention that Double D wrote in his notebook that your chin is compensating for something in your pants!" Dutch interjected.
"It's fucking go time! Kankers' trailer, one o'clock in the afternoon sharp!" Kevin roared out before putting his wounded hand in the middle of the Anti-Dork Squad. Sarah, Dutch, and Jonny laid their hands on top of his and on a silent count of four they raised their fists into the air.
"Death to all dorks!" they all cheered into the sky above them as Kevin's blood ran down from their hands to their arms.
"Now let's cruise back to the Cul-De-Sac before anyone misses us!" Kevin ordered, prompting the Anti-Dork Regiment to begin marching in block formation back toward their homes.
