KOREA! M*A*S*H 4077th
June 19, 1951
What a hot, hot, hot season we have, everyone! And we're back with the presses running just as heated too! Welcome back to M*A*S*H Notes, where everyone and anything decent is published and anything obscene is considered and as tasteless as we all are. With summer in full swing, we have much more to be thankful for other than health, life and limb.
This is our thirty-third edition of the NEWS! It's a time to celebrate. It'll be our first full summer edition here in Korea. It's a way to catch on the latest fashions, camp gossip and more. What a way to cool off!
As I wait for my fan to calm the nerves of my printing press, I must present the best of the best this camp can offer. We have grace, style and flair. We have literature, innocence and love. There's also what we need to do in this horrendous heat. We also have…
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ANNOUNCEMENTS FROM COLONEL BLAKE
Summer has come to Korea! And with it, malaria is on the loose. Nurse Kellye will be in the Mess Tent everyday this week, to give out your Quinine pill. Your name will be checked off the list of camp personnel. If anybody decides to skip out, you will be tracked down and the pill forced down your throat. If you happen to get malaria…well, I hope you recover enough to kick your butt.
Another problem we've been having soldiers coming up in with a mysterious illness. I-Corp has issued warnings concerning care of these patients. So far, we have a name: Hemorrhagic Fever. Mainly, they set up the 8063rd as the only station to handle these cases, but if we're getting them, we need to be prepared. Father Mulcahy has been sent to Seoul to get more know-how about it. He might return with no information.
I do NOT have many details about this disease myself. All I know is that there is kidney failure and fluids have to be retained. Other than that, we will have to wait for the good Padre to return. Let's hope that Seoul will give him more than he's looking for!
Well, I hope this next bit of news will cheer you all up. General Clayton is making a movie about our work here at the 4077th. He will introduce us and show the folks back home how wonderful our savings lives is here in Korea. So, buttons up those shirts and stitch up the tents! We have a few swell people from Seoul coming down here.
It also means that we can't fool around! So, put away the gambling and booze. We have to show these people at home that Korea is well worth the fight. It also means THEIR tax dollars being put to good use. So, we gotta show them the good fight!
The other thing I want to mention is that the Army/Navy game. Just a very quick reminder that the Army/Navy Game broadcast for the personnel on staff here will be held in my office at 1200 hours on the dot. Be sure to bring your spirit for the game. Drinks will be provided. Snacks are currently being assembled, as our company clerk is working vicariously to provide the best for the best unit around. No guarantees that it will be perfect!
Next, we must welcome the nurses back! It was a tough time to be without them. Cold showers and beer had been all we had. Captain Spaulding entertained us with a few songs and Klinger was great selling items to fund a trip home. But nothing will compare to the joy of having a woman back in the OR. Welcome back, ladies! We sure as hell missed you!
Second to last, I want to say that the lectures for RESPECT AND THE ARMY are running well enough that General Clayton stated that he wanted to sit in! His aides will check out the enlisted personnel's time and he personally will listen to the one for the officers. This is a great honor. If this is…well, liked, then General Clayton might take this on the road. He has taken some of the notes from previous meetings and will copy them for the other units.
Lastly, I want to mention that the next person who calls Colonel Flagg will have their butt kicked. He has taken over my desk, several tents and the supplies. It's so tight that even going to the latrine has been a chore at night. While he is supposed to be working with Lieutenant Walker, he has not taken the truth as the truth and has been questioning anything and everything. Please be patient. He will leave soon…I hope.
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Extra! Extra! Read all about it! AMERICAN UNIT IN KOREAN CONFLICT IS BEING CONTROLLED BY A CIA OFFICER INTERESTED IN LATRINES AND PEOPLE WHO TAKE TOILET PAPER! MORE WILL FOLLOW IN THIS EXPLOSIVE EDITION!
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Dating Tips from the Nurses
By: Nurse Kellye
Good morning, everyone! I know you all missed us. We had so much of a reaction to the dating tips last week that Major Houlihan was overruled. We are back to publishing our dating tips!
I decided that I was going to read back to what we wrote. It's not a lot really. We tell everyone to be themselves and to be true. We have told the other girls to ignore the men who are playing with them. Oh, and to never fall in love with a person who uses you!
A dating tip I'd like to add to all of those is to never assume. Like we've all said, everyone looks to appearances at all times. They don't look for what is on the inside and assume their eyes are telling them the whole story. You have to tell people to look you over. It's not just by sight alone. You have to hear them and listen to their stories. You have to appreciate their scent and what they love about the aura. Touch and taste come later, of course, but we all love to do that to our favorite people! You cannot just do that on a first date.
My challenge to all of you is to find out what makes your date (or more of them) special. Don't assume they like one thing, like you! Ask them about their hobbies and interests. Talk about books and music. Speak of their past. If religion and politics move you both, do it! There are infinite topics to talk about in this world. Find a common ground.
So, I am going to start telling a little but about myself. This is for my date (because this man who cannot be named does not care and will hopefully read this). Things about me include:
~I learned to tell jokes from my Dad.
~I am a ballroom dancer.
~I am a pretty good artist and used to sell.
~My aunt inspired me to go into nursing.
~I am part Chinese, but only one grandparent was from China.
~I am more partial to my Hawaiian heritage.
I hope you all can remember this. Like we've all said, looks can last for so long. Personalities can last a lifetime. Which one would you prefer?
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Shower Schedules
By: Corporal Radar O'Reilly
Colonel Blake told me to continue putting up the weekly shower schedules. Do not complain at me. I just follow orders.
Women – 0600 to 1200 Hours
Today: Nurses' Tent #1/Major Houlihan
Tomorrow: Nurses' Tent #2
Thursday: Nurses' Tent #3
Friday: Nurses' Tent #1/Major Houlihan
Saturday: Nurses' Tent #2
Sunday: Nurses' Tent #3
Monday: Nurses' Tent #1/Major Houlihan
Men – 1200 to 1800 Hours
Today: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1/Father Mulcahy
Tomorrow: Enlisted Personnel Tent #2/Swamp Surgeons
Thursday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #3/Colonel Blake
Friday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1/Father Mulcahy
Saturday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #2/Swamp Surgeons
Sunday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #3/Colonel Blake
Monday: Enlisted Personnel Tent #1/Father Mulcahy
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Who Needs to See Lieutenant Walker and Colonel Flagg?
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
Well, Radar felt that he was going to lose his glasses in the latrine again if he wrote down the names. So, this reporter again snuck into the filing cabinets and retrieved the reports! The list is more complete than from last week and some people are being asked for questioning again. Oh, and Colonel Blake wanted the part added about Colonel Flagg. He won't stop until someone admits guilt.
~Captain Pierce
~Nurse Cain
~Captain McIntyre
~Private Kathman
~Father Mulcahy
~Sergeant Zale
~Corporal Klinger
~Corporal O'Reilly
~Nurse Smith
~Colonel Blake
~General Clayton
I am shocked! A high-ranking officer, asking for questioning by the great and mighty Colonel Flagg? Will the surprises ever end? Lieutenant Walker must be upset about this too. But this reporter has it on a trustworthy authority that NOBODY is exempt from interrogation. The Latrine Bandit has to be found!
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SOME NEWS FROM THE WAR FRONT
~The Soviet Union has been rumored to be calling for peace talks! They have taken the side of the North Koreans and the Chinese, of course, and have forgotten we were allies in the last war. It's been said that Old Joe is looking for terms favorable to the Communists. We shall see if our gallant leaders will take the bait!
~Fighting has been pushing back and forth so much that it is ridiculous! So, while Seoul is still in our hands, we have to be careful. I-Corp has reported that the North Koreans are planning another assault on the capital soon. While we are pretty close to the fighting, we have to remember that, at any time, we have to be mobile. Be prepared!
~The Canadians have moved in! A Canadian brigade has moved on to Chorwon and will be patrolling the area. Light casualties are expected.
~The UN Armed Forces have reached Pyongyang! This is the most up north we have ever been since Big Mac decided to go forward! It's been said again and again that this MIGHT be another world war. This reporter thinks not. North Korea is not worth it!
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SOME NEWS FROM THE HOME (AND WORLD) FRONT
Hi, everyone! Some dates will not have anything exciting, but that's ok! We've got enough to be thankful for. It's great to have the news from outside of Korea hit this newspaper.
~On June 14: Countin' Time opens up at the National Theater in New York City for a short thirty-seven performances. Also on this day, some machine named UNIVAC 1, has been serviced for the Census Bureau and Hendrik Baels (some Belgian politician) died at the age of seventy-three.
~On June 15: Joe Louis (boxer and world heavyweight champion) scored a knock-out victory!
~On June 16: At the eighty-third Belmont, David Gorman aboard Counterpoint, wins. Ben Hogan also won the US Open's Men Golf in Oakland Hills.
~On June 17: Flahooley closes at the Broadhurst Theater in New York City after forty performances. Also on this day, it's been said that Carl Vogler (Swiss composer) and Vin Coutie (Australian rules footballer) died at the ages of seventy-seven and sixty-nine respectively.
~On June 18: Charles de Gaulle wins the French parliamentary election! Also, in South Africa, the Suppression of Communism Act commences.
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This Day in History
By: Nurse Kellye
I am glad to say that my books and other material from home have been returned to me! However, Colonel Blake did tell me to tone it down on the history. He said he wants three events per day for this past week and to make them random. So, here they are!
June 13
~In 1777, Leonard Norcross patents a submarine diving suit.
~In 1866, the US House of Representatives passes the Civil Rights Amendment (the 14th).
~In 1907, the lowest temperature ever in the US was recorded for June (2̊ in Tamarack, CA).
June 14
~In 1381, Richard II of England meets the leaders of the Peasants' Revolt in Blackheath.
~In 1807, Napoleon's Grand Armee defeats the Russian Army at the Battle of Friedland in Prussia.
~In 1916, Woodrow Wilson campaigned on the slogan "He kept us out of war".
June 15
~In 1215, King John of England signs the Magna Carta at Runnymede.
~ In 1667, the first documented blood transfusion is conducted by a French doctor, Jean-Baptiste Denys.
~In 1864, Robert E Lee's home area in Arlington, Virginia, is taken over by the Union soldiers and it becomes a military cemetery.
June 16
~In 1567, Mary, Queen of Scots, is imprisoned in Lochleven Castle in Scotland.
~In 1784, the Netherlands passes a law that forbids the wearing of any orange clothes.
~In 1880, the Salvation Army is established in London, England.
June 17
~In 1631, Mughal emperor, Shah Jahan I, orders the beginning of work on the Taj Mahal.
~In 1775, the Battle of Bunker Hill was fought between the revolutionary forces and the British.
~In 1885, the Statue of Liberty arrived in New York City on the French ship Isere.
June 18
~In 1178, monks in Canterbury, England reported something exploded on the moon after sunset.
~In 1682, William Penn founds Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love.
~In 1873, Susan B. Anthony is fined $100 for voting in an election.
June 19
~In 1464, French king Louis XI forms a postal service.
~In 1778, General Washington's troops leave Valley Forge.
~In 1862, slavery is outlawed in all US territories and any new states.
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The Klinger Chronicles Go to Hollywood
By: Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger
Good morning, one and all! The Chronicles have returned and with it, a chance to go to Hollywood. The announcement from Colonel Blake has struck stars in the eyes of this corporal and he intends to make every effort in this production. Oh, Toledo has not seen anything like it before!
While it has been boring without the nurses, their return has brought upon me another daring move to go home to Toledo in style and with all of them on my side until my departure. General Clayton is bringing in some Army guys with cameras, having Lieutenant Bricker head it off. They work for Hollywood somehow, right? So, we MUST have shots of yours truly, rushing to the aide of a soldier. And where there are soldiers in need of help, there are also orderlies who aim for points to go home…or Section Eights, whichever one comes first. Somebody has to see me in a dress on camera!
Of course, I have heard that Major Burns will be narrating it (rumors do have a way of being true, you know). How can a man like me be a star when he is telling the audience what is going on? Nobody will understand a star like me! There has to be some changes…and I will be there to make them. Toledo cannot wait for me much longer!
Or, they can drop me off at the Army/Navy game. I can cheer on the Army before going home to Toledo. Either way, I will be Hollywood bound…and to Toledo. Oh, Toledo – you have never seen a star quite like Maxwell Q. Klinger! I will be there soon, with sparkles in my eyes and red shoes that makes wishes come true!
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Weekly Sermon
By: Father John Francis Mulcahy
As we enter the season of football, I would like to take a moment to discuss a topic that is very near and too close for comfort: the perils of war. Football players will fight their "enemies" to possess a simple ball, whereas we all here are fighting on many different fronts: death, survival, love and our livelihoods. We all have to get through another day. We all have something worth fighting for and are in desperate need to take control.
That control will make us feel worthy; it will make us feel complete as it is for the men on the football field. When those thoughts possess our minds, it is essential to remember that our Savior and the Almighty Father has control of this "field" we are in. This is His domain. We are made in His image and are doing His work here.
Psalm 46:1 says: God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
We are in trouble here. We are surviving the day and playing the field through the poor souls who come through our doors injured. We have to remember that football may be entertainment, but what we are doing is the real thing. We only have to take their example. We will take the Lord in for strength, but it is through His will that we forever fight.
The Army/Navy game that approaches us is also a reminder that there can be a brief escape from the perils at war. At the same time, it is a cue that we, as children of God, are fighting a battle both in the physical and spiritual sense. Satan will not win (and neither will the Navy). This war will not defeat us. When this is over, we will be victorious as we march home in the arms of our loved ones and our homeland!
May God continue to provide His protection over us and may He give us peace. In the meantime, as I bless you, my children, I will be in Colonel Blake's office later. While my heart will always be spiritual, my physical being will always root for the Army!
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From the Mess Tent
By: Private Igor Stravinsky
The Mess Tent crew has a special treat for everyone at the 4077th! In honor of our movie filming and premiere and the upcoming Army/Navy game, we were able to scrape together the necessary items to provide an ol' fashion barbecue meal! And you all can thank General Clayton for his generosity and help in getting these supplies.
That's right! We got your hot dogs, burgers, and potluck of sides which includes cole slaw salads, potato salads and even French fries! It's the real deal.
With the good comes the bad. I hope that you all, especially Captains Pierce and McIntyre, will not make a fuss due to the nice spread and work that is going into this. There seems to be a lack of buns for said hot dogs and burgers.
While we thought that buns would be an obvious addition to our ordering forms, the US Army (and General Clayton's aide) thought otherwise. So, due to the mishap, we will have to make due with regular sliced pieces of bread or just make due with plain burgers and hot dogs. The cook said that there was enough bread to go around, but it will be stale.
I give my sincere apologies. I am just the messenger. In the event I am run out of town by the Captains, may the Father bless the next victim who comes after me. I am sure he will have much more luck than I ever had.
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Trapp's Movie Review
By: Captain "Trapper" John McIntyre
This lovely little ditty of a movie happens to hit me close to home. By now, you should know what I am talking about – that instructional movie that stars yours truly as the lovable side-kick! While I cannot tell any more details about it, I will give the review it so truly deserves.
This film, which does not have a title (except for Major Burns and his Yankee Doodle Doctor), had all the emotions that we all take close to heart. It had class, style and flair, much like Klinger says we hold. It was a shot in the butt! There will not be a dry eye in the theater.
I am kidding, of course! Before I go on, thought, I would like to take a moment and thank every single person in this supposed humble abode for their hard work, dedication and assistance to make this film the greatest film that Korea will ever see. I may be bias, but I am also the movie reviewer and have yet to steer any of you wrong with my choices.
I, for one, say that I have culturally enriched the camp with my input. This film is no different. And come to think of it, Yankee Doodle Doctor sounds like a good title. Here's to Major Burns for a wonderful idea!
I will not indulge too much into the plot, as we all know what that entails. However, to toot my own horn for just a slight moment, I firmly believe that no one could capture to role of Harpo as much as I could. The dedication, time and effort that I put into my performance is clearly shown throughout the film. Sure, the film starts a doctor, but this movie would be nothing without the presence of the assistance, and in reality, the real star, Harpo Marx.
Moving forward, I think General Clayton will graciously agree with me when I say that this film will take Korea by storm. It is about time that the world sees what really happens when the "dogs of war" are barking at our door. It isn't pretty, and it should not be displayed as such.
We have fun here to numb it out, but at the end of the day, it is a matter of principle and hanging on to every last bit of sanity that this world has to offer. We are not a perfect bunch. I am happy to see that this film will reveal that to the world in their sort of twisted way. Well done, camp and crew! We will take the world by storm with this movie…or die trying.
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Literary Corner
By: Nurse Louise Anderson
Major Houlihan has reassured me that I can finish The Odyssey before I am transferred. She did not feel that this club should be disbanded in the middle of a book. I am grateful to her! However, I appreciated more that Colonel Blake released the last of the books to us. Now, we are onto book eight.
Now, I know that it was difficult getting through book seven. Many did not have the chance to read it. We will not review it again and will move forward. Now, one book eight, please focus on these questions:
~Athena disguises herself as who? What purpose does she have in doing so? Why is there a meeting?
~Games are a way to fight and play. What kind of games did you find in book eight? How do they relate to fighting and playing?
~What do you make of the affair between Ares and Aphrodite? Lovers are a main staple, but how will it work between gods? How will it affect humans?
~Another thing common in book eight is competition. How does it play out between the humans and gods? How is it used to each person's own means?
I hope these will keep you all busy. Now, my other announcement is that Colonel Blake could not get any Sherlock Holmes. However, he was able to obtain numerous copies of not just the Army handbook, but also The Picture of Dorian Grey. How wonderful is that?! The next person who head this club can use these.
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM GENERAL CLAYTON
I do not normally interfere with the actions and newspapers of the M*A*S*H units that I command. However, I was moved to add my input due to the recent events on this base. I am not talking about the hideous words of surgeons and nurses in this paper, either.
Let it be known that any type of illegal and radical behavior is NOT tolerated on any Army base. Anyone who is found participating in ANY illicit activities will be condone to the highest law of the United States Army. I entrust your commanding officer, Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, to enforce the rules of the Army and remind you all what it means to be here serving your country. This will be your ONLY warning.
I hope you all are able to listen to the upcoming Army/Navy game. This should help relieve some of the stresses of war and allow you all to release that energy in a healthy manner. My bets are on the Army. The Navy won't know what hit them!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MAJOR BURNS
The lecture for TREATMENT OF OFFICERS has been cancelled for the time being. Since I have been chosen to narrate the wonderful Yankee Doodle Doctor, I will not have the time to remind all enlisted personnel about respect of officers. General Clayton has also informed me to add some material to our talks. I think his input will be greatly appreciated!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SWAMPMEN (MINUS MAJOR BURNS)
From all of us (plus Ugly John and Captain Calvin Spaulding) to you, we wish you the best Army/Navy after party there ever will be. At 2100 hours tonight, we will host a Happy Hour. Everyone has been invited. Bring your best slippery clothes, nurses. They will be pulled off!
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ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NURSE KELLYE
Nurse Johnson and I will be hosting lessons on tap-dancing! They will be in our tent, #3, every Tuesday and Saturday night after dinner, at 1900 hours. You don't need to bring shoes. Nurse Johnson received a shipment from home! They come in all sizes.
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NOTE FROM THE LATRINE BANDIT!
You may have Colonel Flagg and Lieutenant Walker. You may have stomped the grounds near the latrines to search for me. Supply trucks go by and might miss me. But I will always find a way to get what I want. You cannot stop me now!
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MESSAGES TO THE ONE I LOVE…IN CAMP
Nurse Kellye,
I have looked you over…and I believe that you are wonderful. I heard about your tap-dancing lessons and am excited to do this and be with you. Want to tap dance out of here when the lessons are done? I think we can learn more together about each other.
Secret Summer Pal
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Nurse Curious,
I am afraid that last meeting did more harm than good. I believe that we need to part ways. I have spoken with Major Houlihan and Colonel Blake. It is best that way and they agree.
Father Mulcahy
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Klinger,
Toto has been lost in Oz for a bit. How about a blonde? I think you've got more brains than Marilyn, though.
Nurse Wistful
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Truest of True Patriots,
Red, white and blue cannot begin to describe how patriotic you are. You are the epitome of what America should stand for. I'd like to salute what you protest. It'll be worth it.
Peaches & Cream
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Memo
To: One Delicious Dish
From: Colonel Blake
We had enough nights to make the last one last forever. Let's not get too hasty. Be glad that your exile was temporary. I will have my dish, just the way I want it.
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DEAR AUNT SADIE
Dear Aunt Sadie,
I have runneth my mouth a little bit. I wrote a little review about a movie that this unit did and failed to mention the little lie we decided to make. I mean, my buddy always forgives me and knows that I cannot always say everything, but I cannot help but think about all of the lies we've had to tell. Is it enough we are here on a lie?
I have to ask, Aunt Sadie. Is it REALLY bad to tell a lie? I mean, officers do it all the time. Politician always have to lie for money. We're here because President Truman did a little lying. What makes it good for them and bad for us? Did I do a bad thing by lying?
I cannot sit back and let people back home watch a lie. I had to do the same to make it right. We cheated too and ruined things that were not ours. What is this war making us out to be? Are we becoming criminals?
Trapped in Lies
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Trapped in Lies, OH DEAR!
It seems like there is more to this story than what you are telling me. There is anger in there, frustration sandwiched in the middle and pickled with despair. I long to comfort you! How horrible it is to feel stuck in the middle like this!
It is tough to answer a question like this. It is almost like a grey area because lying and destroying things is always bad. Think about these things too. Two wrongs don't make a right. One bad thing does not make another bad thing moral. Lying to others will endanger your soul. Vandalizing items will hurt the owner more.
All of these things, we think about all the time. We are supposed to be good people. However, some good people like to do things, such as lying and cheating. They need to support of a cause they cannot find any sense in. So, they enlist people like you and me to make this happen.
It is a vicious cycle you are continuing. However, if you TRULY believe that it is for the good of the people, do it. Make as much noise as you can about it. Don't worry about talking too much. I am sure your job was as wonderful as the rest! You just have to learn that you need to pick your battles wisely. Don't ever fall into the trap of being on the same level as those who are bent on destroying us all.
Love,
Aunt Sadie
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WEATHER
Today: Ouch! It's hot and humid today in the mountains of Korea. Make sure to carry some water, with our temperatures in the nineties. Overnight in the great outdoors will NOT be better!
Tomorrow: It's about the same as today. I-Corp mentioned rain in the afternoon, but we'll see. They said that last week and nothing showed!
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And what do we have here? Another edition has been completed and bringing excitement to the masses and to those outside the camp. Thank you to all who have contributed. It's been a pleasure in this heat to work with all of you. The printing presses are already hot in love and aching for another edition. Customers are coming and ordering from here!
However, there are more important things to think about. Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the Army/Navy game I go! Well, it's some hours off. I shall be prepared, though, with pen and paper. Colonel Blake and the others have seen NOTHING yet from this reporter. A report on the events shall be in the next edition. Don't miss it. Go, Army!
But we shall never forget this past week. It's been a hot one, folks, hotter than even last year. I suggest getting near a fan or swimming in the creek or trying to make nice with Lieutenant Bricker. There might be a splash for you down in Hollywood! Sure beats being here in Korea. At least there is a clean swimming pool.
We are getting close to another summer holiday too. There are promises of fun and games and more! Don't miss the next edition, where we speak of those plans, how to catch a Bandit and more. Plus, there'll be mentions of our movie and how our game against the Navy went. Until then, stay cool!
Mistress Twist and I would like to send condolences in the passing of Kellye Nakahara. May she rest in peace.
