Chapter 34: A lot to talk about
Shit! Clay pulls at the collar on his tee-shirt as he feels like he can't breathe. He paces the room, back and forward. Oh fuck! Doubling in half as he tries to force more air into his lungs, the wave of panic making his chest tighten.
He frowns, picking up the soft elephant toy in the corner, nervously fiddling with the pink bow around its neck. Looking at it, knowing wherever Casey is, he has an identical toy with him but his has a blue colored bow.
Oh fuck! He rubs his hand across his head, he can feel a light beading of sweat. He's tired from mission, which went to hell and his thoughts are starting to sound paranoid. Then taking his cell from his pocket he hits call, this time he can't explain why, he calls his father
"Ash... it's Clay"
"Hey son.. you okay?" Ash frowns there seems something strange, he's not sure if it's the suddenness of this call or the tone in Clay's voice "You just get back from a spin up?"
"Yeah .. yeah. Look um.. have you spoken to Kelsey in the last few days?"
"Errrm... no, not since last weekend. Why? Clay is there a problem? Do you need me to take the baby?"
"Um .. no, No, it's fine I just wondered that's all. It's nothing, hey look... don't worry sorry, I didn't mean to bother you"
"Clay... " but before Ash can say any more the call cuts dead. He sighs confused.
Clay closes his eyes, berating himself for making that call, the last thing he wants is his father to know he has a problem. A problem he can't handle. Shit! "Kelsey where the hell are you?"
He sits down, there's a pain that stabs at his chest as he desperately tries to remain calm, but he can't. He can't because all his worst fears and doubts are now, in his mind, coming true.
"Why did you give her that damn passport!" Arrrghh! He's angry with his perceived error of judgement. He can't get his breath, his lungs gasping for air as a panic attack takes a hold. In all his days operating he's never felt this anxiously sick. Sitting on the couch he rocks back and forward trying to steady his nerves and then, still unsettled,he stands up, and again he starts to pace the room.
"Where are you!" he screams out loud, swiping his hand, knocking the glass bowl from the table. Closing his eyes, he takes a breath. "Get a grip, Clay!"
He heads into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator door, he takes out a beer. Knocking the top off, he glugs it back, slamming the door shut behind him.
He looks up, there's a sound of heavy banging at the apartment door."Clay! It's Sonny. Open up!"
Clay clicks the lock "Oh Sonny, thank god you're here!" he sighs " I knew this would happen ... I should never have let her take him!"
"Hey! Hey man, just calm down, alright. There's gotta be an explanation here Clay, maybe she missed her flight. Why the hell're you thinking she's not coming back?"
"You know why Sonny. Him!" Clay can't relax "I just know ...I know that Alex, he was just waiting for the opportunity. I know it."
"Clay c'mon look ...you're tired, man. Take a seat, relax there buddy" Sonny rubs his head trying to think what to do "Okay...here's what we do, you check with the airline, first. See she boarded the flight"
"Yeah .. yeah, you're right...okay" he nods " I um.. I have her flight number on my cell, British airways flight. I'll check now"
"Okay ...so just stay calm. Do that first then... we'll deal with it" Sonny leaves him, reassuringly patting his hand against his shoulder
"Hey Sonny, where you goin'?"
"I'm just going to the refrigerator" he sighs " I need a damn beer. Last thing I needed after that shit shower mission was your girlfriend doin' a runner"
Clay spins on his heels staring at him as Sonny gulps the beer down "You really think she's gone?"
"Hey no! No... god damn it Clay... I was jokin'! Of course, she's coming back. You just gotta have lil faith" Biting the inside of his cheek, he's trying to hide his anxiety "Make the damn call to the airline!"
Sonny looks up, taking a sharp intake of breath as he hears a key in the door lock. Clay's on the call to the airline, pacing near the window but as he turns around he can see Kelsey!
With her back to the room she pulls Casey's stroller inside the apartment and as she turns around she jumps with a start "Oh shit, Sonny!" she gasps "Oh my god you scared the hell out of me! What are you doing here?"
Sonny lets out a long-relieved breath looking at Clay smiling. Clay cuts off the call on his cell
"Oh my god!" he sighs, frantically scooping Casey out from the buggy into his arms Shit! He sighs holding him as tight as he can to his chest, his hand placed protectively around this head.
The wave of tense relief can be felt, and the suddenness of his actions makes Casey cry. "Shhh! Shh, shh! It's daddy! It's okay, I got you" he beams as he kisses him, the surge of emotions shuddering through this body.
Kelsey stands there stunned, staring at the pair of them "What the hell is going on?" she frowns, taking deep worried breaths "Clay? What the...has something happened? I mean is everyone alright. Did something go wrong with the mission?" she takes a deep breath "Oh my god Clay, are you hurt" it's now her turn to have an anxious panic.
He just glares at her "Where the hell have you been?!" he snaps "Why don't you answer your damn phone!" his tone snippy and his face filled with a tearful anger
"What? What do you mean? Oh yeah my um... battery was dead, I forgot to charge it before I went out, it's been in my bag switched off" she frowns "Clay what the hell is going on ?" her look falls on Sonny pleading with him for some sort of an explanation
"Oh um..." Sonny hesitates the whole thing seems a drama about nothing right now " just a mix up in communications I think. Think Clay got muddled about when your flight was due in. Somethin' like that"
"I asked you were you've been?" Clay's still annoyed. He has attitude and a tone of aggression "I've been home two hours now. I was worried!"
"I know I told you the battery was dead, and I've been out. To be fair ...I didn't expect you back yet today. Clay are you alright? You.. seem off"
"Off?! Yeah you could say I'm off! I was worried where you were."
Sonny drinks his beer and looks away awkwardly, he's trying not to get involved.
"Clay... that's hardly fair when I didn't know you were going to be back today. It's not like I'm psychic!"
Realizing how harsh he's sounding he takes a breath "Sorry... sorry, I..I just got worried when you weren't here and when you didn't answer. I was concerned that... that something had happened. So, where were you?"
"I um... I took him swimming and then I had a coffee and then went and got some groceries." She sighs watching as he and Sonny exchange glances Huh! She sighs again "You didn't think I'd come back, from the UK, did you? That's what this is about. I told you Clay...I told you I'd come back, but you didn't believe me!"
She rubs her hand over her face, frustrated and then she takes the still crying Casey from his arms. "I need to feed him, he's hungry after all that swimming" she shakes her head, disappointed "You know um... I was so excited waiting for you to get back. You had to spoil it; I don't believe this. I don't believe you didn't trust me, especially when it should be me not trusting you!"
"What, no! No, I just missed you, that's all it wasn't that" Clay's head looks from behind the refrigerator door. He's getting himself a beer and as he takes the cap off he leans over the breakfast bar, staring at her "Look, I'm sorry. I'm tired and I shouldn't have snapped. Kelsey of course I trust you" he sighs rubbing his head, his eyes meet with hers " anyway why...why wouldn't you trust me? What the hell did I do?"
"I don't know Clay..." she sighs watching him " can't imagine what you might have done" she takes a deep breath still staring at him rubbing her head "You know what just forget it. It doesn't matter."
The atmosphere suddenly takes on an intense tone and Sonny feels it's time to take his leave "Look as much as I like being around you ,I'm gonna get off. I have a date with a tequila bottle and my couch. I um... I think you two need to talk, clear some stuff up"
"Thanks Sonny" Kelsey smiles as she follows him to the door.
He stops. Hesitating he considers his words "Look...none of my business I know but.." he hushes his voice "..just go easy on him okay. Mission went sideways, Clay's takin bit of heat on it and was a long flight of Jason yelling. Then when he got back, and you weren't here, he just got himself a little wound tight ...that's all. He don't mean none of what he says, He dun loves the bones of you and the little fella, you gotta know that, right?"
She takes a breath calming herself " I know Sonny. I know. It's .. it's just I can't have this every time I go somewhere. Especially not if I'm really going to go back to work." She sighs biting gently on her lip "Look, I'll talk to him alright, I promise" she smiles , kissing his cheek "Thanks Sonny, thanks for being here for him"
"Where else am I gonna be " He smiles, clipping his fingers on her chin. Then he strokes Casey's cheek "See ya soon little buddy! You be good for your mommy and daddy, you hear me"
She slowly closes the door, hesitant as she turns around.
Clay's standing in the kitchen, sipping from his beer, head down he looks glum as she stands in front of him. She's rocking Casey side to side, him sucking on his fingers, satisfying this hunger with them for now. "You calmer now?" she questions
"Yeah .." He nods "Yeah.. sorry. I...I don't know ...I..I lost it for a minute."
"Clay ... " she stands staring at him, Casey in the crook of her arm and she strokes her free hand gently on Clay's cheek. Smiling she then leans forward and kisses him "You are so stupid at times, but you have to know, I love you so much"
"I know" He smiles, grabbing at her waist, pulling her close " I love you too.. I just hate being apart from you."
"Clay don't..." she smiles apprehensively "don't say that"
"So, um.. how was your flight" he smiles apprehensively changing the subject
"Yeah ...yeah it was um.. interesting" She sighs " Sorry, to disappoint you but... don't think he'll make a great seal. He seems to hate flying" she laughs "Oh my god what a nightmare it turned out to be. I really had my rose-tinted glasses when I signed up for that" She laughs again
"Didn't like that, hey?" He smiles stroking Casey's cheek " So .. how'd it go with your CO, what did he say about going back"
She takes a deep breath, looking at the now crying baby in her arms "Look I better feed him first and then we'll make time to talk, properly. Why don't you get a shower then get some sleep for a while. You look tired" she strokes under his eye with her thumb again placing her lips to his kissing him softly " Sonny said the op went sideways, you wanna talk about it?"
"No.. no nothing to tell really. Just one of those things" he looks up "You're right... I'll get a shower" he kisses her again and then she sits herself on the couch to feed Casey. He leans over the back of the couch watching her, his body now relaxed the worry of earlier very much gone.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Placing the groceries in the cabinets she's talking to Casey he's in his bouncing chair watching her from where she placed him in the opening to the kitchen so he could see her.
"Hey, she frowns watching as Clay comes to the sink and pours himself a glass of water "That was quick ?" It's only a couple of hours since he went to sleep earlier.
"Yeah, couldn't sleep"
"You okay? Something on your mind." she frowns waiting to see if there's an explanation.
Mmmm! " No, I'm fine" he nods.
She turns around leaving the pasta on the work top as she strokes her hand over his bare chest. He's stood in front of her, wearing only his white boxer shorts, and she smiles at the soft feel of his warm skin to her touch.
He can feel her fingers against his body, and he pushes up close, backing her up against cool of the refrigerator door. They stare at each other, lost in each other's eyes and the he leans forward, his hand moving up her body, his lips against her mouth, kissing her, moving slowly down her neck Mmmm ! he groans " You smell so good, I missed this"
"Me too!" she smiles wrapping her arms around his neck, her eyes locked on his "So you gonna tell me what that was really all about earlier?"
"I told you, long flight and tiredness. I don't know. I shouldn't have gone off like that. I know that" he sighs, his hand grabbing at her butt. He turns his head sideways looking at Casey. "Hey there buddy, you okay?" he smiles "You missed me?"
"Of course, he did" Kelsey strokes Clay's face the rough and smooth of his beard and cheek "There no one to bounce him around a make him throw up" she laughs
Clay smiles, his lips brushing across hers " So ... how'd it go?" he watches as the smile on her face turns to a frown
Mmmm! "Yeah it was fine .. a lot to think about. I mean a lot to discuss and talk over"
He nods then takes a long sigh "But...bottom line, you wanna go back don't ya?"
"Maybe " She takes a deep breath "Oh...I really don't know. I... I mean they accepted our care plan and my medical was fine. My fitness could have been a bit better but I'm sure I can get that back. I'd forgot a few things and they got some awesome new equipment to get to grips with but...but being on board again" she shrugs "I have to be honest Clay, I've missed it. I didn't realise quite how much, not until I stood there looking out on that bridge. Sorry!" she rubs at her face dropping her head into her hand.
He nods apprehensively " So, what did your CO say about us? About the Navy thing"
Hmm "Yeah well ...CO said it raised a few eyebrows and it's um... not something they'd be encouraging, given the choice, but it's happened and as you're not exactly regular navy, the likelihood of us crossing path on board is limited so ... so he said they could live with it."
"Well that's something then, I mean at least we don't have to split up if you wanna go back" he smiles " So, what's the plan if ...if you do choose to go back"
"I .. " She coughs nervously "I can go back in three weeks. My first deployment is for twenty days." She sighs staring at him. There's a silence as neither of them say a word, she can feel her eyes sting with the prickle of hot tears, and she wonders how she'll cope when the actual reality of leaving bites.
" Twenty days!" Clay's head nods, he's thinking "That not too bad, right? I mean ...I think we could do that that. What do you think?" he frowns as he stares at her, willing her to say she won't go but he forces supportive words out.
"Yeah" She nods reluctantly " If I um... if I don't go back then and delay going back then,... then the next one will be a three-month deployment to Odessa"
"Oh shit!" he gasps, rubbing his hand over his face Pheww! He sighs taking a deep breath. "Three months? How do you feel about that?"
She shrugs "I have to admit, not great. I mean I'd rather do the short one, see how it pans out but... it's only three weeks before I have to go back. I'm not sure if I'm ready to leave him, and you, yet" her lip quivers and she bites her teeth against it, holding her nerve.
"Kelsey ... " Clay sighs " you don't have to do this at all, not if you're not certain"
"I know but... "she takes a breath stroking her hand on his arm " I think I do. I mean I need to do it"
"Okay! Okay then. .. then we'll do it, right?"
"Yeah just ... hold on. There's a kicker, to the Odessa deployment," she nervously bites her lip "I err... checked the calendar I don't ...I don't get back until the week after you leave for your deployment. That means it could be six months before we're both together"
"Shit!" He takes a breath, closing his eyes. He shakes his head; he doesn't know what to say now "Are you serious?"
Mmmm hmmm! "I looked; you leave the week before I'm due to come back. I mean, I could try get some early shore leave, fly back , I'm not sure they'd buy it as extenuating circumstances though?"
Pheww! Clay take another breath "And other people really do this, right? I mean they make it work" he frowns "I don't see how. How do you live with that?"
She shrugs "I guess if it's what you both want; you can survive it"
"And you really want it .. even at this cost?"
She wipes her face thinking "I think I have to give it a go. Clay, I can't just give it up and say we didn't try. Look..." she holds his face making him look at her ".. if I do the first one, we see how it goes and then we'll know. If.. if it doesn't work and it's too complicated, then I'll quit. I promise. If it's not working for all of us. I'll give it up before Odessa. Okay?"
"Okay... yeah! Come here" he sighs and then leans forward kissing her "Jeez .. six months! Still, at least he'll only have a week without both of us here, so it could be worse for him"
Mmmm! "I guess" she sighs, stroking her hand over his chest, feeling the firmness under her touch. Her fingers grip at the curve of his bicep, tracing patterns. "You know I missed you... while I was gone." she bites her lip, leaning her cheek against Clay she turns her head watching Casey, now asleep, in his chair. "Oww! Look, he's sleeping" she smiles
"Yeah .. yeah he is" Clay smiles, his kisses become firmer "You know what I'm thinking?"
"I think I might be able to guess" she smiles as he presses the firm contents of his shorts against her "You want some more of that mummy and daddy time that you're always going on about"
Mmmm hmm! He smiles as he starts to unbutton her shirt slowly. His hand reaching inside the white fabric gently grabbing at her flesh. The feel of her firm breast in his hand before he strokes it up her neck, dropping kisses on to her skin. He then takes her by the hand and leads her to the bedroom.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Kelsey sighs. Opening her eyes, having fallen asleep. She smiles thinking about the frenzied passionate session of fast sex they just had, her hand feeling on the other side of the empty space in the bed
"Clay?" she frowns, leaning up on her elbows, pulling the sheet around her, she can see him stood in the bedroom doorway "What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I was just checking on Casey. Don't worry he's fine. He's still sound asleep"
"I guess all that swimming has zonked him out" she smiles "He really loved being in the water, guess that's having frogman genes right?"
Mmmm hmmm! Clay smiles as he crawls his naked body up against hers. Kissing up her leg to her thigh, up over her stomach, paying extra attention to the softness of her breast by making circular motions with his tongue.
Mmmm! "Clay..." she groans leaning back, a flutter of excitement tingles between her legs again "stop!" she smiles "We need to get up. We can't stay here all day; I have things to do"
"Oh ... but I can think of lots of things to do... staying here" he smiles, pulling the sheet from her grip. He plants his lips on her mouth, his tongue teasing her. Her grasping her fingers in his curls pulling him close to her.
Then she stops and holds him back, staring him deep in the eyes, the back of her hand stroking down the side of his face. He collapses down beside her brushing his hand over the soft curve of her stomach, draping his arm around her waist
"Just stay here for a bit longer, I'm enjoying being with you. I missed this"
"I was only gone for two days!" she laughs "But yeah...yeah this is nice" she sighs closing her eyes, snuggling tight against him as he strokes her hair.
He's quiet, laying there silently thinking. Suddenly he coughs awkwardly, he needs to talk about something on his mind. "What did you mean .. earlier, when you said, it's me you can't trust?"
"What? Oh, that um... look it doesn't matter. It's done now. It was nothing. I was just angry, and I lashed out. I shouldn't have said anything. Forget it"
He leans up on to his elbow so he can look at her, softly drawing patterns with his fingers on her chest "No tell me. You must have meant something" he frowns watching her "What did I do?"
"Nothing. It's nothing." She sighs regretful that she even mentioned it "Really Clay just forget it. I don't wanna argue again."
"I don't understand why would we argue. So, there is something?" He sits up turning her head, so she has to look at him "What's wrong?"
"Oh... " She bites her lip, reaching down beside the bed for her shirt. She sits up and slips it over her arms "Really, it's nothing. Like I said .."
"No.. now wait! If I did something then I want you to tell me. I don't want this festering between us" he stares at her "Kelsey, c'mon what is it?"
Pheww! She lets out a long slow breath and lays down again, covering her eyes with her arm "Really, it's not important now"
"Kelsey.. " he pulls her arm away and stares at her ".. it was enough for you to mention it so, tell me"
"Okay.. you wanna know" she sighs not looking at him "I wanna know... when did Casey's passport come?" She opens her eyes and stares directly at him.
Now its him that feels awkward. He sits back looking away "Um... I um.. I don't remember exactly. A couple of days before you left . I don't know the exact day. Why is there a problem?"
"No, no problem if that's when it came? And you put it in the drawer, for safe keeping, but didn't think to tell me?"
"No, like I told you, I forgot about it. Kelsey what's the problem here?"
"Nothing, except that's not the truth is it? It didn't come a couple of days before I left. You had to say that when I was going to chase it up"
"No .. it did .. I .. " he sighs, swallowing apprehensively as she sits up turning around facing him .
"Clay don't lie. You got that passport on an expeditated service. So why didn't you tell me when it came?"
Shit! he lets out a long sigh, his lie caught out and he's unsure what to say Fuck! "Look Kelsey, I'm sorry. Yeah ... yeah I did but how did you find out?" he frowns. He tries to stroke her face, but she brushes his hand away.
After quite a long moment of silence, where she considers whether to be mad with him or let it go she speaks "There was um... some paperwork in the envelope that it came in. It said the date you applied, online for the expediated service" she sighs running her hand though her hair "What I don't get is why Clay? Why you didn't tell me? I don't understand, I asked you and asked you if it had come and you gave so many excuses, when all the time you had it already"
"Yeah I know." He sighs "I know, and I'm sorry. Look, being honest, it was because I was scared"
"Scared?" she frowns "Scared of what?"
"I was .. afraid you'd leave, with Alex and then you wouldn't come back. That you'd want him, and you'd take Casey. I couldn't lose my son"
"Oh god Clay .. how many times. It's you I want to be with not Alex. Alex knows nothing is going to happen. I've spelled it out to him. This is where it has to end now"
He nods "I know it has. I love so much, thought of losing either of you.. "
"It's not going to happen" She smiles stroking his face pushing him back on to the bed. She straddles her legs over his waist and leaning forward she kisses him.
Mmmm! He smiles his hands slowly moving over the curve of her hip as she moves her body over him, kissing down his chest, before teasing across his stomach with her tongue. Awww! he moans again at the anticipation of what's about to happen.
Then they both freezes, in position. She looks up and smiles. They're interrupted by the sound of crying from the other room. "Oh ... bad timing Casey" Clay groans closing his eyes, the hardness in his groin aching and he leans his head back into the pillows Shit!
"I'll go!" she smiles, giving him one last lingering kiss before she jumps off the bed. "You um.. might wanna hold on to those thoughts, you know for later" She grins from the doorway, watching him lying there naked on the bed.
"Oh .. I will don't worry!" he smiles.
