Disclaimer: I own nothing. Aaron McGruder owns is all. If I did, Huey would be POTUS.

REVIEWS:

LavenderLuvER18: How do I say this without sounding weird….your comments inspire me to write whatever happens to be in my head. Thank you so, so much for your comments and anything you say, which I always take into consideration. Thank you.

dannyphantomlover7: So, what I can tell you is I kind of am slightly, mildly, completely guilty of doing that with some stories, where I know I'm waiting for another chapter before I read because although the story is amazing, that story tends to have cliffhangers and I get so antsy when they leave me hanging like that, so I know what you mean. I try to not leave chapters on cliffhangers, even if things are going on in the outskirts of the story, because I don't like feeling like I'm leaving people thinking about what's gonna happen next. I hope to actually complete a thought, a story, a thing, whatever that thing is, within a chapter. So, if you do choose to wait for three or four chapters please do but know I'll always try to complete a thought by the end of the chapter. I guess it's just how my mind works. Anyways, that's a lot of info for you. Hope you like the next chapter.

WARNING: Let's see. So, yes, there's "adult stuff" as usual but the warning comes more from the later stuff in the chapter, things some people might not feel comfortable with. If you get to that part and you see what I mean, please skip to the next scene, and what you missed should be explained. Either way, hope you enjoy. There will be some good stuff to enjoy.

CHAPTER 34:

For Mo, tea with one cube, Mrs. Stewart, coffee with two cubes, Mr. Fong, tea with no sugar, and Mrs. Harrington, coffee with one cube.

I exhale, lift the tray, and say, "Thank you Ms. Katherine. I think this is the last one for today and I'll tell anyone that ask that the kitchen's closed." I turn, start walking to the door and hear her say, "Sweetheart you know you can come back here and get anything you want, you aren't like those other volunteers that take things they shouldn't be taking."

I feel my lips purse, turn, and see her looking at that list of food she's ordering for next week. I exhale and say, "Yes Ms. Katherine but I'll make sure to write down anything I take to the residents." I turn back to the door, hear her exhale, and hear her say, "If only those other volunteers were like you sweetheart."

I exhale, hope I'm helpful to her to, and say, "I'll see you tomorrow Ms. Katherine." I hear her exhale and hear her say, "Okay sweetheart." I smile and walk out of the kitchen, happy I'm not as clumsy anymore but I still need to be careful. I get to the doorway that goes out to the waiting room, see Monique at her desk, and exhale, happy she's not letting that guy talk to her anymore but she still looks sad.

I inhale, put the tray down on the small desk in the hallway, grab the tea, walk out, see him sitting there, roll my eyes, walk up to her, and whisper, "Mo." I see her look back at me, see her smile, and I put the tea on her desk.

I hear her exhale and hear her say, "Thanks Jazzy. How'd you know I needed that?" I smirk, look back at her, kiss that head, and hear her exhale. I look down at those pretty dark eyes that remind me of some other pretty charcoal eyes I know, smile at her, and say, "Because it's five fifteen, you've been here since one and you need some energy."

I see that smile, see her laugh, and I exhale, feeling happy. I feel her hug my waist, hug her back, and hear her whisper, "Just like my little sister when I'm studying."

I ask, "And how's that going? It sounds so hard." I feel her move away, see her take a sip of that tea, see her look up at me with that smile, and she says, "It's a little hard but only because I'm tired after work and it's really hard for me to want to study when I am tired but I'm hoping I can finally finish going over the material this weekend and then start reviewing so I can be ready when they give out the exam in March."

I feel my smirk and say, "With all that studying you'll probably get a hundred percent." I see her laugh and she says, "Oh I just need to pass, it's not really graded, we just need to pass a point level and then, I'll be a nursing assistant."

I feel my eyes open and ask, "So does that mean you'll have your college degree for managing an office and you'll be a nurse to?"

I see her smile, see her nod, and I say, "Wow." I see her laugh, see her shake her head, and she says, "Jazzy I'll only be a nursing assistant, not a big deal. Maybe then I'll go back to school to become a registered nurse and one day work in hospitals helping doctors save people's lives."

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Mo, that's all super cool. I mean I only know nurses that went to school to be a nurse, so like, they're nurses now, but you, you went to college and finished and now you're getting a license to be a nurse, no matter what kind of nurse it is, and then you're even thinking about going back to college to be a registered nurse. That all sounds like a lot but super cool."

I see her laugh, see her blush, and I smile seeing her happy. I see her exhale and she says, "Jazzy, it really isn't a big deal, all of it." I exhale and say, "Mo, it is a big deal. So, when you pass that exam in March I wanna know so I can get you a present, so remember to tell me okay?"

I see her exhale with that smile and she says, "I don't need anything more than what you do here. You already help me a lot by just letting me take breaks so I can read a little." I exhale and say, "Mo." I see her exhale, see her smile, and she says, "Okay, I'll tell when I pass but nothing big okay?" I smile and say, "Okay."

Then I feel my eyes get big and say, "Oh, you just reminded me that your break is coming up. Let me finish giving the residents their drinks and I'll be back okay?"

I see her shake her head and she says, "Don't worry, take your time with them. My break's not as important as making sure they're happy. Come back whenever you're done."

I exhale, know that guy is a jerk and I hope she sees how great she is, smile at her, and say, "I just have three more residents and I'll be back." I see her smile and nod.

I turn back to the hallway, walk up to the small desk where I put the tray, hear that guy walking up to the front desk, roll my eyes, and then feel my smile hearing her tell him she has nothing to talk to him about unless it has to do with his grandmother. Dumb guy. Asking her out twice and then telling her he was busy both times. If he wasn't serious about her, he shouldn't have done that. And, she has a lot more endurance and strength than he knows.

I pick up the tray, start walking to the left, get to the first door, knock, and hear her voice say, "Come in honey." I smile, open the door, and see Mrs. Stewart sitting in her chair and sewing. I put the tray down on the wardrobe, grab her coffee, walk up to her, put down her coffee on the nightstand next to her, and ask, "Do you need anything else Mrs. Stewart? Are you cold again? Do you want another blanket?"

I see her look up at me from her sewing, smile at me, and she says, "No honey. The coffee's perfect. And thank you for the blanket yesterday. Today I'm fine. I think the weatherman said it was warmer." I smile and say, "Okay Mrs. Stewart, well I'm here so remember the blue button is for the front desk for Mo and me but the red button for everything else okay?" I see her smile and nod.

I turn, grab the tray, walk out, and close the door behind me.

I walk to the next door, knock, hear the loud fishing show, giggle, knock harder, hear the volume lower, and hear him say, "Come in Jazmine."

I open the door, see Mr. Fong in bed, holding the TV control, smile at him, put down the tray on the wardrobe, grab the tea, and I say, "It's not good for you to be listening to the TV so loud Mr. Fong."

I hear him say, "Speak up Jazmine." I turn, take the cup to him, give him the cup and then motion to my ear. I see him smile and see him put the cup down on the nightstand next to him. He grabs the earpiece, puts it in his ear, smiles at me, and says, "I forget to put it on."

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Mr. Fong, your memory's just fine, you just don't like putting it on." I see him exhale and he says, "Too much work." I feel my lips purse, see him smile, and he says, "But for such an angel I promise to do it more often." I feel my smirk and my face getting warm, not really knowing why it feels nice and weird when nice old men say those things to me, open my mouth, and then hear the door open.

I look back, see Grace walk in, smile at me, and she says, "My grandad making you blush again Jazmine?" I laugh, hear him laugh behind me, and hear Mr. Fong say, "She reminds me of my favorite granddaughter and how much of an angel she is visiting me every day to bring me my newspaper."

I see her smile, roll her eyes with that blush, and hear her whisper, "Only says those things to me so I can bring it to him." I start laughing and hear Mr. Fong say, "I can hear you sweetheart and that's not true, now come here and give me my hug and my newspaper."

I see her smile and I say, "Let me know if you need anything, I'll be around." I see her nod and smile at me. I walk back to the wardrobe and grab the tray with the last cup. I walk out, close the door behind me, and then walk down the hallway to the last door.

I knock, don't hear anything, knock again harder this time, and hear her say, "Come in sweetheart. I don't know why you still knock."

I feel my small smile, open the door, see Mrs. Harrington in bed with her book, see her look up at me with that long white hair, and I exhale, hoping one day I have hair like that, just long and white with a big life behind it.

I see her smile at me, I step in, and close the door behind me. I put the tray down, grab the cup with the black coffee and the one sugar cube, turn around, walk up to her, give her the cup, and say, "Do you need anything else Mrs. Harrington?"

I see her look at me confused, look at her ear, and feel my lips purse. I say a little louder, "Why aren't you wearing your earpiece Mrs. Harrington?"

I see her exhale, see her look away, and I exhale. I grab the case with the earpiece on the nightstand, look back at her and see her looking at me. I hold out the case and mouth, 'Please?' I see her purse her lips and then give me a small smile. I grab the cup with my other hand and let her put on the earpiece.

After she has it on I say, "Mrs. Winters says it's better for you to wear it because then people don't have to be loud when they're talking to you and it's not good for your hearing if people are being too loud around you."

I see her exhale and she says, "When you get to be my age sweetheart, you'll see somethings." I see her look away and she says, "You'll lose and those things are important."

I feel my mouth open and feel confused. I exhale, look down at the book she was reading, smile, and say, "Well, I don't really know what things you lose Mrs. Harrington because it can't be how smart you are with understanding that kind of stuff."

I see her look down at the book, see her smile, and she says, "Sit down sweetheart." I nod, give her the cup, grab the chair next to the bed, pull it up, and sit down.

I see her exhale, looking at me, and she says, "Finances were my life, I knew them in and out, they were my strength." I see her exhale, see her look back down at the book, and she says, "But there were other things that I also held of value, as childish as they were."

I feel my mouth open, see that long white hair, I exhale, and say, "Can I ask what they were?" I see her look up at me, see her smile, see her baby blue eyes shine a little, and she says, "Can you keep a secret?" I smile and say, "Yes ma'am I can."

I see her exhale with that smile and she says, "Well then, one of those things happens to be." I see her exhale, see her look up at my hair I think, and she says, "One of the many things that seemed insignificant at the time, things that we do not consider until they're gone into age, into what others call the next life, our twilight years, and yet, those things." I see her inhale, see her look down at my face again, and she says, "Those things, the simple, insignificant things, matter."

I smile, seeing the color of her eyes, and say, "Can I ask you what one of those things is?"

I see her bright smile, see her exhale, see her look down at the cup she's holding, and she says, "I didn't ever go without, attended the best schools, the most prestigious universities, and then went straight into the family business, woke up each morning to people that would cater to the needs I could not attend to myself, including my." I see her exhale, see her look up, looking at the door I think, and she says, "Appearance." I feel my eyebrow rise, see her look back at me, and she says, "And so, I did not appreciate how easy it all was, to wake up, and just be."

I feel confused. I see her smile at me and she says, "With age comes wisdom, wisdom of life and what it was like, what it is now, thankfulness for the life we lived, and." I see her exhale and she says, "No longer having the option to worry about things we thought to be insignificant, like one's appearance."

I feel my mouth open, see her smile, exhale, look down at her cup, and she says, "I understand it would be surprising, even ungrateful of me, to say that I think of those things, the things I did not appreciate back then, how easy it was to just wake up and be, be young and vibrant and beautiful, when so many of my acquaintances, family, and some friends, have already passed and I have not, and so I should be grateful to just be, rather than thinking of those things I did not appreciate, specifically something as vain as my appearance."

I feel my eyes squint, thinking, and say, "Mrs. Harrington, is that why you don't like using your earpiece, because you think it makes you look not so young and beautiful?"

I see her exhale, looking at that cup, see her inhale, look up at me with her small smile, and she says, "It's of no importance. Thank you for bringing me my coffee sweetheart."

I feel my mouth open, look back at her hair, and know I probably shouldn't ask even though she's super nice, but it's just so pretty, and I'm just so Jazzy, and say, "Mrs. Harrington, can I."

I stop, feel my face get warm, embarrassed, and she says, "Yes sweetheart?" I exhale, remember who I am, smile, and say, "Can I play with your hair, just for a little?"

I see her mouth open, see her big smile, and then hear the door open. I look over, see that guy, and try not to roll my eyes, only because he is Mrs. Harrington's grandson and I should at least try to be nice to him in front of her.

I see him look at me and hear Mrs. Harrington say, "Warren?" I see him look at her, see him exhale and he says, "Grandmother." I stand up to leave and give them privacy and hear Mrs. Harrington say, "No sweetheart, don't leave just yet." I look back her, see her looking at that guy, and she says, "You came yesterday Warren, we talked, and that is the end of that conversation, so if that is what you are here for, you may leave."

I look back at that guy, see him inhale, and he says, "Grandmother, I just want to find out if any of the properties will be," and hear her cut him off with, "You'll find out once I'm gone. You may leave and I understand you will not adhere to my requests, but I would rather you no longer visit me."

I see him exhale, see him look away, and he says, "I'll return tomorrow when you're in a better mood," and see him close the door.

I hear her exhale, look back at her, see her looking at me with that shine in her baby blue eyes, that big smile, and she says, "What did you want to do with my hair sweetheart?"


I hear her say, "And then I braided her hair. Only took me about ten minutes so I'm getting better. I did a French side braid, on the side she puts her earpiece in so, you know, she doesn't feel like it shows too much."

I inhale, bring her in, see those fucken idiots turn to us, feel those breasts on my side up against me, and feel those arms going around my torso.

I exhale and hear her say, "Sorry bestie. It's too much." I feel those arms and those breasts moving away, bring her in again, hear her inhale, and I say, "It isn't too much. Tell me more."

I feel those arms holding me, I exhale, and hear her say, "Well, I think she was really happy because she asked me if I could do her hair again on Friday, because I think Mr. Wuncler's going to visit her on Saturday morning." I hear that giggle, feel my smirk, and hear her say, "It's actually really cute. I just didn't know he was, you know, visiting her on the weekends to spend time with her but."

I hear her exhale, feel that head on my chest, see that fucken idiot that has nothing to do with the construction process there, knowing he looks every single fucken time, and knowing more so now than before, that I couldn't care less how much further I pursue what this country considers a significant education, I will probably be surrounded by idiots my entire life, in and out of the legal field.

I hear her say, "It's just kind of weird to me now, knowing that she has a nice house she could stay at, probably more than one house, here in Woodcrest, but she stays there at the nursing home. I don't know. I mean I know she could probably have a doctor, nurses, I don't know, lots of people take care of her every day at home, but she wants to be there, in a place where there are a lot of other people, but maybe."

We finally pass them. Six workers, including two foreman, that imbecile that has no business being there, and fifteen to twenty workers at the bottom floor, cleaning the debris. I feel her letting go, look down at her, and hear her say, "We passed them bestie." I exhale and say, "Jazmine, you're cold." And I do not want to let go.

I feel her get closer again and hear her say, "Okay bestie, so what was I saying?" I exhale and look forward. That Jazmine head. I hear her say, "Oh yes, Mrs. Harrington. But maybe she likes being there because on Tuesdays and Thursdays they have bingo night and I think she likes sitting next to Mrs. Steward and they talk and I know they walk outside in the garden every day and they also have other activities there during the day and she probably likes Mo and Mrs. Winters and Ms. Katherine and just everyone there's so nice." I hear that exhale and hear her say, "So maybe, maybe she just like being there, you know, because of the people there and the activities. And then there's Mr. Wuncler."

I hear her stop and see a man, mid-forties to fifties, white. I exhale. Heroin addict. I know enough about it. The scabs, possible jaundice based on the yellow skin, and the fact that due to the required chemicals, tools, and the fact that they already suffer through economic, political, and financial discrimination that comes from racial discrimination, my people do not suffer as much as whites do from that addiction.

I feel her move forward, hold her, hear her say that nickname, and move her over to my other side. I feel her exhale, know she's annoyed and stubborn, but she's mine, and we start walking.

We get to the corner, pass him, and hear him ask for money. I take that step and then hear her say, "Hold on bestie." I close my eyes and exhale. That Jazmine head.

I feel her move, hear her give him the paper, and hear him say, "Thank you angel. I just. Thank you. Remind me of my little Stephanie." I inhale, open my eyes, look down at her, see that smile and those eyes, and she says, "Just so you know, Mr. Willis says anyone can stay at the shelter but you need to be okay for a week before you go in and then I know Mr. Willis knows about programs or meetings that can help you. So please try sir." Even after they stop the drugs it's less than five percent that actually stay clean. That unrealistic optimism.

I exhale and hear him say, "Thank you but it's too late for me." I inhale and say, "Jazmine." I hear her inhale and she says, "Try sir. Keep trying. I don't know who Stephanie is but if she's your daughter, she needs her dad, so don't give up."

I hear that man inhale, see that smile, and she says, "Remember, just one week of not doing any of that stuff sir and then go see Mr. Willis in the morning. He'll help you. I promise. He doesn't care who you are or what you've done. He just wants to help but he can't unless you want help, so just want the help first and I promise, things always work out. One week okay. For your Stephanie."

I exhale and say, "Jazmine, it's late and," and hear that man say, "I'll try, one more time I'll try, for my little Stephanie. Thank you." I see her smile and she says, "You welcome." I exhale, see that face look up at me, those eyes shine, and she says, "Let's go big hair, it's late."

I exhale through my nose and see that damn unrealistic optimism in those eyes. I look over at that man, see the scabs, the skin, and know the statistics, the numbers, the odds stacked against him due to his age and being on the streets with a government that not only subjugates blacks and all people of color but cares little if any for the poor whites. I exhale and say, "The shelter opens at six in the morning to sign in for the night and be guaranteed a bed. If you survive and make it there next week, show up at six or you won't have a place to sleep that night."

I see him exhale, see him nod, and he says, "Thank you." I nod, turn back to that soft afro, see that smirk, roll my eyes at whatever assumptions she's having right now, and start walking again, feeling those arms holding my torso. And, I let her, and then ask her to tell me more.


Damn it! I did it once! Once! I can do it again. But, she doesn't want me to hurt myself. And she'll notice because we're closer now. Damn it!

One more time. I exhale all the air from my lungs, relax my shoulders, and close my eyes, knowing the size of the room, where all the furniture, tools, equipment lay. I can do this. And, more importantly, because it matters, I need to do this. And none of that matters, not right now. Those people, that will never mean a thing to me, that past. None of it. The only things that do matter are the things that must be taken care of, the people that hold significance to me. I see it, my target, that fucken idiot, all of them, every single one, running towards me, feel the other imbecile behind me, the fucken idiot that will never touch them, bend my knees, feel the spring that comes from my feet through my legs, inhale, and I hear the sequential three bangs.

I inhale. This better be good, enough that I won't be using him as a human target or forcing him to spar, seeing as he needs to increase his agility.

I walk to the door, unlock it, see him, and say, "This better be important Riley or," but he cuts me off with, "Got the punk ass." I inhale, turn, grab my jacket, and say, "Where?" I turn, see him exhale, and he says, "Ain't found him yet. Just got a lead." I exhale, know it's better than what we had yesterday, and say, "What is it?" I see him inhale and he says, "A connect."

I exhale, nod, and say, "Fine." I see him nod, see him turn around walking back to the house, and I follow him, knowing this connect better lead to results or we're sparring.


I inhale, looking at him hiding behind the corner of the office building, making that call after seeing Sarah walk out. I exhale, trying to relax before I kill him, and say, "Riley." I hear him exhale and hear him say, "I ain't doing shit no more Huey." I inhale and say, through gritted teeth, "Then how do you know someone that's very obviously on some kind of drug, more specifically crack, Riley?" The eyes, burned lips, the twitching, the very obvious clothing showing he's homeless, and then there's the fact that he keeps wiping the blood from his fucken nose.

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Damn McHater, shit." I look back, stand up, see him stand up, and inhale, trying to relax, trying, because he's still my brother, and I say, "Riley, this isn't a joke. You get caught selling or buying those kinds of drugs and it somehow gets to Grandad." I exhale and see him looking at me, knowing he will reach my height by next year because we both inherited that gene. I see him exhale, look away, and he says, "Huey a'ight I did sell his ass weed, long ass time ago, that's how I know him, but that's it. I 'on't know what the fuck he's doing and where he getting the shit. And I 'on't fucken care. We finding that punk ass and I'ma do what I gotta do."

I exhale, remember he knows what people will always say about us when we walk out of the room, and say, "Riley, you are not a kid anymore, you're fourteen, almost fifteen, which in most states means you can be tried as an adult, so I'm not going to beat you or remind you of the real consequence, especially because of who we are, regardless of what this ass backwards world thinks about equality, so." I inhale, see him look back at me, see him nod, and he says, "I ain't stupid Huey, no matter what fucken people think 'bout my ass. I knows what can happen and I ain't running to Ed if I ever do stupid shit that gets me locked up. I get caught doing shit, I knows I'm alone, I ain't taking anyone with me, and I'll do my time."

I close my eyes and say, "Riley, you are still." I hear him inhale, open my eyes, see him looking at me, remember he's my only idiot brother, see him nod, and he says, "We brothers. I knows McHater. I ain't doing shit so just trust me. I did that shit when I didn't know what could happen and I ain't gonna do it no more, I got." I see him look away, see him exhale, and he says, "It ain't just Grandad no more, it's her. She says she can take care of herself but she don't see the fuckers at school, when we out, how they fucken look, and it ain't just cuz I'm black and she ain't, it's cuz of what she looks like. And we." I see him inhale and he says, "We together now, we closer than befor', and I knows if I do stupid shit, she." I see him look down, shake his head, and he says, "She ain't losing just a ride-or-die, she losing more, and I can't let her ass go through more shit. I wasn't fucken there man. I thought shit was bad, knew it, but I ain't know it was that fucken bad 'til she tol' me, after Ms. S took her in, and she, she, she got better. So." I see him look back at me, see him inhale, and he says, "I ain't gonna fuck that up by doing stupid shit for a few bens, let Grandad get sick over shit like that, and then have her get all fucked up again, like befor' they took her in and."

I see him smirk, feel my eyebrow rise, knowing he's going to say something idiotic, and he says, "If I'm in the pen over selling stupid shit, who gonna remind your ass you a hater that ain't ever gonna shoot like my ass and that's why you gotta know your karate shit and." I exhale, know this is pointless, regardless of 'feeling' incrementally better knowing he's not selling weed anymore, turn back to the video, paused, seeing that guy watching Sarah, and hear my brother say, "If I ain't here, who gonna remind Jazzy 'bout that big ass forehead and gonna make sure racist assholes ain't talking shit."

I exhale, remembering that voice telling me that night she let me feel that skin over those breasts the first time about the fucken asshole they saw on their way to the locker room. That racist fucken piece of shit that's nothing and made her cry, made her fucken cry, not only because of what he said, what they all said, but because he could have hurt her, could have, made her feel like he could have, because even if she never acknowledges it, she was afraid of him. And I should have beaten him at that game and several times in middle school, not just one fucken time. And the only reason I didn't leave that night to find out where he lived to remind him of that fear she lived with was because she wanted to 'cuddle' and I wanted to feel content.

I inhale and say, "Then be around Riley, for both of them, and I will to."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Then let's get this fucken snitch that punk ass probably paying some. He gotta he paying that fucker and it gotta be him. I saw he showed twice and both times called someone when Ms. S walked out so I know, cuz he lives on the streets and looks like he doing more than weed now, he getting paid to do some shady shit. But looks like it's random cuz this video from yesterday and I saw him there again, calling someone, when she walked out on Monday, just wasn't sure 'til now. I knows it's him though."

I exhale and say, "Tomorrow. Before she lives her office, we'll go."

I hear him say, "A'ight."


She's fine and Sarah will be picking her up with Leo. She'll be fine. Focus. And he won't know this time. We'll make sure of that.

I exhale and hear him say, "I got this McHater." I inhale and say, "I know." If anything, he's right about his shooting abilities.

I see her walk out, just as we planned, see him take out a black squared object from his pocket, and hear the shot. I feel my smirk, hear him say, "I am Young Reezy," and exhale annoyance.

I see him look out onto the street, see the fear and disoriented look, exhale, knowing we will be dealing with someone under the influence, and see him start walking into the alley. I stand up, walk around the trashcan out onto the street, and see the cars coming. Shit.

I run through, hear a honk, and see him start running. Damn. I run into the alley, pick up my speed, and see him stumble. Then I see the alley opening. Shit. I exhale, run, inhale, take those last ten feet in strides, grab his shoulder, pull him back, and see him hit the floor on his back, cursing.

I see him sit up and put my foot on his chest, pushing him back down. I feel that hit on my leg, hearing him curse, and I exhale. He can't even fight back. He must be on more than just crack. Fuck. I push him back onto the ground with my foot again and say, "We aren't the police so stop fucken moving."

I see his eyes open wider and see those shoes too heavy to move in. I look up, see my brother holding that black bb gun, and he says, "You talking or I blow your head." I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, knowing we don't need him screaming, and hear that guy say, "What the fuck man! What you want! I ain't got no money! Hey, wait, ain't you." I feel him trying to stand, push him back down, and hear my brother say, "Yeah. Sold you shit last year and now you here, making a call in a fucken alley after people be leaving that building. Who the fuck you watching?"

I exhale, annoyed more than before. We don't need him telling that fucken imbecile we know he's watching her. We don't need anything getting back to him. Shit. I hear that guy say, "Man, that was some good fucken weed. Sale me some more?" I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing people can get addicted to weed, at least the effects of it, and exhale, not wanting to deal with this shit, knowing my brother will probably use this to make some money, regardless of how grown up he thinks he is.

I see my brother inhale and he says, "I 'on't do that shit no more but." I feel my eyebrow rise, see him point the gun at that guy, hear him remove the safety, and he says, "I still blow your head if you ain't start talking cuz that be family you be watching and no one does that shit. So, you talking or you dead."

I hear an inhale, look back down at that guy, and he says, "She your family? Shit, I heard what she be doing. Taking his kid 'way from him, like that shit don't fucken hurt. Fuck you. I ain't saying shit."

I hear my brother inhale, see the gun coming closer to that asshole on the ground, see his eyes open, and close my eyes, knowing there are too many people walking on the street less than fifty feet away that could hear him scream. I open my eyes, look back down at him, and say, "Whatever the fuck you were told isn't true, so talk, now."

I see him look at me, see that disoriented look, know he's not going to be reasonable unless I am first, and I say, "And before you start acting like a fucken idiot, think about this. Whatever it is you think is true does not make sense considering you're being paid to hide at the corner of a building to tell someone when a person is leaving that building, telling you it's because of some family problem when they should be going through the legal system regardless of how corrupt it can be, especially if it involves parental responsibilities. I'm sure you've also notice that person you're watching is someone who consistently goes to work, is pleasant to a fault to everyone, does not seem like the kind of person I'm sure you're used to dealing with, and now you know she has people protecting her, not because she's paying anyone but because she has people that want to protect her, which tells you the woman you are being paid to monitor is probably, significantly, a better person than whoever came looking for you and is paying you to do this."

I see him exhale, look away, know the effects are still there but at least he's thinking about what I just said, and he says, "Alright. Maybe she ain't as bad as he said, seen she is kind of nice to everyone, but still, she took his kid, and that's fucked up." I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, knowing I will beat him for the information, regardless of how high he is, and hear my brother say, "How that fucked up? That kid, who ain't even a kid, don't wanna have shit to do with that fucker. Matter of fact, I'm fucken sure she's fucken scared of that punk ass."

I inhale, knowing twice a day a broken clock is right, see that asshole look at my brother, see his eyebrow rise, and he says, "What he do to his kid? I'll kill him if he touched her."

I feel my eyebrow rise, inhale, and say, "That's none of your business but if he gets close to her or any of them, I'll kill him myself. And I'll do anything I need to do to make sure they're all safe. So you are talking, now."

I see him exhale, look back at me, and he says, "Hold up. You said any of 'em. He got more than one kid, cuz he ain't tell me that shit? None of this shit makes sense no more. And I don't fucken like that, shit not making sense. He told me she took his kid, a little girl, and that little girl wanted to see him and his wife wouldn't let him but now you telling me the little girl's fucken scared of him and there's more, like other kids. He didn't tell me any of that shit."

I exhale, see his pupils are still too wide but at least they're not going back and forth anymore, and I say, "We won't tell you more than what is necessary because that is their business but if you're being paid by a man, about forty to fifty years old, black, he told you the truth when he said that he has a daughter with that woman, who is his ex-wife, not wife, but there are more people involved that he wants to." I inhale, exhale, trying to calm down, and say, "Hurt. And my brother and I will not allow that to happen, to any of them. And you're talking, with or without force, but you will talk, and they will be safe, or I will find him myself and make sure he never puts his hands on his ex-wife or his daughter or her sister again. And I will go through you or anyone else to make sure that happens. So, how do you want to do this, with or without force?"

I see him exhale, see him look away, and after four seconds he says, "How old are his kids?" I feel my eyebrow rise. Fuck. I'm sure I can beat him here but somewhere else, with less traffic, would be better.

I hear my brother say, "Jazzy be sixteen in two months and Cindy in May, but they sisters even if not from the same folks." I exhale, look over at my brother, and say, "Riley, he doesn't need to know any of that shit," and hear that asshole on the floor cut me off with, "Knew the fucker was lying. He said he only had one kid and she was little, six, like my kid."

I inhale, look back down, see him look at me, and he says, "I knew his kid had to be older, way he talked 'bout her, but he fucken lied 'bout that shit, probably lied about everything else. Let me up and I'll tell you."

I exhale, look over at my brother, see him looking at the guy I'm holding down, and he says, "I don't fuck around, I will fucken shoot you, for family, I will fucken blow your head."

I hear the guy exhale and hear him say, "He made it look like that lady was a bitch, so much she couldn't have people that care about her like that. Like you two doing right now. I'll tell you everything. I don't fucken care 'bout the money he giving me. No one wanted to help his ass cuz everyone on the street knows he's one of 'em fucken attorneys that don't help, just locks us up for a longer fucken time, fucken bullshit defense attorney, but then he told me 'bout his kid and said he pay me. But I'll tell you'll, cuz I ain't alright with little girls being scared of their fathers when we supposed to be fucken taking care of them."

I exhale, look back down at that guy, see him looking at me, know even if he does run, we'll make sure it's in the opposite direction, back where he started, and I'll catch him. I inhale, move my foot back, and let him stand up.

After he's up, at this distance, I can see he's in mid-thirties, black, possibly Latino, but I couldn't care less. If he runs, it will be worse for him.

I see him exhale, thinking, see him look at my brother and then back at me. I see him look down and he says, "He paying me to watch her leave and tell him what time and with who. Been doing it for a month now, every day she at work."

I inhale and hear my brother say, "Where you hiding and don't be fucken lying." I see him look up at him, see him squint at my brother, and he says, "Different spots, this week decided on this one and the other side of the building cuz I didn't wanna be in the same spot for too long."

I inhale. Fuck. We need more cameras set up outside of the building. One that faces East and another that faces South. I exhale. I can set them up as soon as I get the equipment together. I hear my brother say, "That all he have you do?"

I see him nod and he says, "Has me call him from a phone I dropped right now to tell him and pays me a hundred a week. Ain't a lot. Could make more doing other shit for a few hours but I told you, did it cuz of the bullshit story he gave me."

I exhale and say, "Do you need to call him right now?" I see him look at me, nod, and I say, "Call him and tell him she left. Act as if nothing's changed." I see his eyebrow rise and he says, "But don't you want me to stop telling him shit 'bout her? And I mean I don't even like talking to his ass. Can't fucken stand him man. Specially cuz I know who he is and then he acts like a little bitch when I want more money. Shit, got him to pay me a hundred just scaring him for a fucken minute."

I exhale and hear my brother say, "We knows he's a punk ass but we still 'on't want his ass knowing shit we doing. Just do what ma brother said."

I see him inhale and he says, "Alright. But I gotta meet him after for the money to." I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "We're going with you."


I can feel it. Fuck. It's in my upper back. I'll just have to force it out of my muscles tonight. I knock and hear the door open.

I feel my smirk becoming that thing she likes seeing that thick hair in that braid. It's thicker right now, possible because she was pulling on it. I look down at that face, knowing that look, the one where she doesn't have to whine for me to know, and I look away. I see her sister, see her looking at my brother, and know they were both worried. Shit.

I inhale, knowing I'm not a coward, look back at that face, see that smile, and she says, "Are you guys okay?" I exhale and hear my brother say, "'Course we are. Shit, Jazzy, you knows we can handle."

I see that smirk on those full lips and hear her sister say, "Shit, than what took your asses so long? And get in here cuz it's cold as fuck."

I hear Sarah's voice from inside their house say, "Baby." I hear an exhale and hear Cindy say, "Sorry mama."

I feel that warm hand grab mine, feel the pull, and follow that thick hair inside their house.

I walk into the living room, see Leo and Sarah on the couch, see them look up at us, and hear Leo say, "You two alright?"

I exhale, hear that giggle next to me, and hear that voice say, "They are but they're probably really hungry."

I inhale, knowing we are, but there's information we need to go over. I feel that pull on my hand and say, "Jazmine, we need to talk," but she cuts me off with, "No bestie. Food first. That stuff can wait."

She doesn't seem as worried as she did when she opened the door. Good. I exhale, feel the pull and follow her to their dining room.

Once we're in the dining room, I see the two plates on the table, feel my eyebrow rise, feel that hand let go, and I say, "Why do you have plates set up? We can order something." I look over, feel by brother's presence next to me, see those hips walking towards the stove, and hear her say, "No bestie. We already cooked the sides for both your dishes, we just need to reheat them and cook the steaks. Grilled tofu steak for you and T-bone steak for Riley. They'll be done in five to ten minutes. So just sit."

I feel my smirk doing that thing again and hear her sister say, "And you'll only drinking iced tea and water with those steaks. You need to eat befor' you'll drink shit with caffeine or more sugar. Drinks on the table. Sit and wait for them steaks and sides."

I hear my brother say, "'Member what that hoe at school said 'bout wanting girls that take care of us."

I see those hips at the stove with her sister, hear the click of that stove turning one, feel myself doing that thing she likes, and say, "They're all idiots." I hear him exhale and hear him say, "You forgetting least half be hoes to McHater."

I feel my smirk, see him walking to the dining room table, and exhale, knowing that clock is right again.


I ask again, "Are you sure you don't want the pertinent information only? I will get straight to what you need to," but she cuts me off with, "Huey."

I exhale, look back down at those greens, those dark forest greens that I haven't given enough credit for how aware they have been all these years, see that smile, and I say, "Fine."

I hear him say, "A'ight, let's go." I exhale and say, "Not yet." I inhale seeing that fucken imbecile talking to the clerk about his dinner reservation.

I hear him say, "That guy said he only paid him. We saw his ass give him the money and then he took off. You think he paid someone else to and he's gonna meet 'em right now?"

I shake my head and say, "I don't know but we should know everything we can, so let's wait, see who he's meeting, and then, if nothing comes of it, we leave."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "A'ight." I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing he wants to leave, but he's listening, more than likely because it involves protecting them and know having them in the same school at this age has helped, significantly.

I see him walk into the restaurant inside the hotel, see him walk up to a table, and hear my brother say, "Who the hoe?"

I exhale and say, "She might not be a hoe Riley." I hear him say, "Yeah she ain't, like he ain't fuck up and never gonna find 'nother like their mama. Fucken idiot." I feel my smirk and say, "For once, I agree with you."

I hear him say, "Tell me what they saying and don't be keeping shit from my ass McHater, fucken tell me everything."

I exhale through my nose, tired, and say, "I'll tell you what is necessary," but he cuts me off with, "Huey, that fucker could hurt 'em so tell me all of it. Don't be keeping shit from me, not with this, a'ight."

I exhale, focus on what they're saying and say, "Then don't interrupt me and I'll repeat verbatim."

I inhale, focus, and see him say, "You said seven Frances." She responds, "I said six thirty Tom but that's fine, you're here and that's all that matters." He says, "So why are we having this dinner? Why not just order room service like usual?" She responds, "Because I wanted to have a nice dinner with you. We haven't spent time with each other since we got here. You're always out or working and I just miss you." He says, "That's fine. I told you I would be busy and that's why you should've stayed in New York." She says, "But I wanted to come with you and this way it's easier for me to take care of you. With me here, they don't have to ask you for my cards and my identification and then call me to make sure I approve of you using them. I wanted to be here to make things easier for you." He says, "Fine, but I have some money to and I could take care of my provisions. I just needed you to help with the hotel bill so really they weren't going to be calling you every day, just whenever I needed to extend my stay." She says, "But Tom, I still wanted to come and spend time with you while you figure out that you don't need," but he cuts her off with, "No, we're not talking about that. I already told you, I want them, they belong to me, and I'll have them back."

I inhale and see the waiter at their table. I exhale, trying to relax, knowing I do not want to kill him right now only because Sarah asked us to not do anything that could get us arrested.

After the waiter leaves, she says, "Tom please, let's talk about this, you don't need them, I could give you a baby and," but he cuts her off with, "Frances, I told you, I don't want another one. I have one, raised her, who's almost grown, and I'm not raising another one for another eighteen years, not only because I'm too old for that, but because she's mine, along with Sarah. They've always been mine. And once this all settles and I'm living with them again, in the way I'm accustomed to, I'll still see you but nothing more. Nothing." She responds, "But Tom you're not that old, younger than me, and I'm sure I can still have a baby if we try, and you'll only be in your late-sixties by the time they're an adult if we were to have one now, and please, about going back to them, you said you saw that woman with someone else at that game at her daughter's school so," but he cuts her off with, "I told you to stop calling her 'her daughter'. Jazmine's mine and so is she. And yes, my wife was sitting next to some nigger but I'm probably mistaken, they're just friends, they have to be, more than likely someone connected to those damn criminals she lets her hang out with and that other drug addict that's probably living with them seeing as I heard that whole family of hers was finally caught by DEA. But none of those fools matter. Once I have something on her, anything that could tarnish her license and she remembers what she lost with me, she'll take me back and I'll get my family back, my life, everything I worked so damn hard for, those hours, years of self-control to remind them I own them, and I'll move them away from this place, away from those niggers and that drug addict, and stop living this hell."

She looks down and says, "But Tom, please, think about this, it's not that bad with me. I'm willing to give you anything I can afford. And, about that woman, I know I'm not as accomplished but I am more beautiful, and care about you and want to take care of you and have even gone through some of my inheritance to do that, after finding you lost and abandoned in that bar, drinking yourself to sleep every night, not calling in for work, but I didn't care. I don't care about that. All I wanted to do was take care of you, have you move in with me after you told me you didn't have money for your rent, but I didn't care. I still don't. Really, you don't even need to work. I have enough for us to be comfortable and, if we stop spending on this hotel and go back to New York, we can live off of that, not having to work at all for several years, and then you can work after that, after we run out. We can do that now, leave, leave all this behind, them, that job. That job you don't need and didn't have to come back for. And more important than any of that is how I feel and I don't like that man, Joe or whoever he is. You have me and you don't need to work for him or his firm, for a job that gives you nothing compared to what my father accumulated in months. That job that wouldn't pay for even one month in a decent hotel. But I can, I can afford it. So, you don't need that job, that man, you don't need her or her daughter, you only need," but he cuts her off with, "Shut up Frances! It's unbearable listening to your voice and what you talk about! Just insufferable! Sarah was never like this! Only talking about what I don't have and then whine and bitch like you!" I see the waiter at their table again, covering them from my view.

I exhale, knowing the discomfort people, all people, feel when black men get angry, as oppose to when men of other races get angry, even if I know the one we're watching is a fucken imbecile. An imbecile that owns nothings and thinks he owns people. I exhale. He doesn't own them. He doesn't own her. Those greens that don't show fear or discomfort when I get angry. She just stands there and allows me to be angry and doesn't show any sort of fear. Those times I have been angry around her and she just stood there, waiting, giving me the time I needed to calm myself, to gather my thoughts. And she seems happy with this fucken imbecile that doesn't own her being out of her life. And I'll do everything I can and more to make sure that continues.

I exhale, trying to relax, see the waiter walking away, and that woman says, "I'm sorry Tom. I didn't mean to make you angry, reminding you of things you don't like thinking about. But just know I want to take care of you so let me. I'll keep helping you with the money, at least paying for the hotel and whatever else you need and I'll wait for you to see how I'm right, okay? And I'll have them bring more whine while we're having dinner because I know you're stressed." I see him look down and he says, "She didn't talk about that, reminding me of how they see me, how much I'm paid, and she didn't like when I would drink this much. She would say I needed to watch my health, that it could be bad for my liver." She responds, "I'm sorry I reminded you of those things Tom but know that I do want to give you anything you want because I'm not like her, keeping things you want away from you, even drinking, so just let me take care of you."

I see the waiter coming back with their plates, exhale, and know I'm done with this. I hear my brother way, "Let's go cuz I ain't wanna see his punk ass no more or I might fucken beat him in front of that fat ass hoe." I feel my eyebrow rise, look at him, see him exhale and smirk at me, and he says, "Don't be talking shit McHater like Jazzy 'bout not saying shit like that. She's a white fat bitch and she never gonna be as good as Ms. S and I don't fucken care who I gotta tell."

I feel my smirk, look back at those two eating, no longer talking to each other, nod, and say, "Let's go."

I hear her sister say, "'Course she ain't ever gonna be as good as our mama. Shit. Riles never lies. Bet she ugly as fuck."

I exhale and hear Sarah say, "Baby that's not nice and it doesn't matter. She seems." I hear her stop, look back at her, see her looking down and she says, "Like a sad woman."

I hear that voice say, "Why is he even here? Why can't he just not come back? Is it bad that I feel like that?" I inhale, look back down at those greens, see them looking down at her palms on her knees, see that fear, and see her go further into the sofa, between Sarah and Leo.

I swallow, get up, take those steps to their front door, grab the doorknob, and know I will make him leave tonight. I feel a hand on my left shoulder, exhale, and say, "Riley, not right now." I feel another hand on my other shoulder and hear Leo say, "Son, this is what he wants, what they want, for us to go crazy when they try to hurt the people we care about. Understand that and know, even though we are right to be angry, we are always right to be angry, because we should be angry, things like this, someone like him that could hurt them, showing up, are nothing compared to the world we live in, the one where we always have to stay calm, even right now. So, stay calm, and stay here to help protect them. You go after him, do anything to him that is outside of the legal system, you will not be around to protect her. So stay, plan, and be prepared."

I exhale, feel their hands leave my shoulders, and then feel another set of long arms go around my torso. I feel her hug me from behind and know this is one of those things on the short list in my journal. I feel my exhale longer, remember it's not Saturday night, feel that forehead on my back, and hear that voice say into my back, "I'm okay bestie. I got a little scared, but I'm okay. My sister and mom are okay, and you didn't do anything to him. Thank you. Now go sit down and I'll go make some tea okay."

I feel those arms leave me, feel her go under my left arm, reminding me of her training, and see those hips walking into the kitchen. And before getting to the kitchen, I see her sister walk up to her, hug her, and whisper that she loves her, and continue walking into the kitchen together. I exhale and hear my brother say, "Huey we gotta plan. Let's talk to Ms. S and then tell 'em after, a'ight?" I inhale, nod, turn around, and see her standing in the living room, looking at us, remembering we need to plan.

I exhale and say, "Sarah, do you know," but she cuts me off with, "Yes Huey, but I want my daughters to hear this to, so let's all go to the kitchen and talk there." I nod and follow them.

After sitting down, I see her sit down next to me, feel her grab my leg, and feel myself relax. Everything is fine. Focus.

I look at Sarah and she says, "Yes, I know who Joe is." I see her place her hand on Leo's shoulder, look at him, and she says, "Tom doesn't know this, but Joe wanted me to leave Tom after he started the heavy drinking. I believe he wanted me to leave in hopes that I would enter into a relationship with him." I feel my eyebrow rise and hear my brother say, "That's some shady shit. Ain't that his friend?"

I hear that exhale next to me and hear that voice say, "But that's just not who you are mom." I see Sarah look at her, smile, and she says, "That's right honey. We also don't lie and we don't keep things like that from the person we're with but." I see her exhale and hear Leo say, "You didn't tell him because he would've blamed you, thinking you led him on somehow, and you already had enough to deal with."

I see her look down at the table and she says, "Yes, and I didn't want my girls hearing even more of the arguing, so I didn't tell him that Joe called a few times to check on us, always after one of those difficult nights. He never actually said it and truthfully he was always just kind and respectful and would only call to check on us but I did get a feeling during one of those calls he wanted more. He even said he would take care of us if I did leave him."

I hear the inhale next to me, annoyed, see Sarah look up at her, smile, and she says, "And during that call, I told him if I ever left Tom, I wouldn't need anyone's assistance, I would do it on my own, with the help of my daughters and only them. Then, I told him I appreciated his worry but we were fine and the next time he called, even if it meant an argument, I would tell Tom because I didn't want to keep something like that from my husband, regardless of the marriage we had. And that was the last time he called."

I see Leo grab her hand, kiss it, see her smile at him and she says, "So I really don't know what their relationship is now. They should still be close though seeing as I heard Tom started working at the same firm where Joe works after he was let go from the DA's office, but that was before we left for Chicago. And really I only found out about that through an attorney I was having lunch with one day. She told me, possibly thinking I wanted to know, but luckily didn't pursue that topic. And after we came back from Chicago, when anyone, whether it was her or any other attorney, judge, or mutual acquaintance, brought him up I told them I didn't want to know anything that wasn't necessary to the conversation at hand. So, really, whatever it is Tom's been doing for the last year or so is news to me, including having gone to New York."

I hear Cindy say, "Or hooking up with some hoe." I feel my eyebrow rise, hear my brother snicker, remember she is a female version of him, and feel that hand leave my leg. I look up, see those hips stand up, walk behind me, see her kiss the top of her sister's head, and watch her walk towards the stove, hearing the shriek of the water boiling.

I hear Sarah say, "Baby." I hear an exhale, look down at Cindy, see her looking at Sarah, and she says, "Mama, I ain't saying nothing that's not true. Riles called her a fat hoe, so she gotta be, and we all knows Riles don't lie cuz he don't care 'bout being 'propriate and shit, so he saying the truth. And the hoe talking like she his maid or his mama taking care of his lazy ass, so she dumb as fuck to, and then, talking shit 'bout a lady she don't even know, like she knows you and how 'complished you are. Shit, you a lawyer mama. Don't forget that took years of school after you ain't have to go to school no more and that ain't easy. And then, the hoe be saying she more beautiful and whatnot. The hell that even mean, shit, you teaching us to never talk 'bout how other girls look cuz it ain't our business and cuz we 'on't care. And." I can hear my brother snickering louder, shake my head, see those hips putting that spice into those cups, feel my exhale smelling that mixture, and hear her sister say, "I 'member some of those fights mama." I hear my brother inhale, see her stop shaking the bottle of spice, see those greens look at me with that worried look, and hear her sister say, "And you never let his ass treat you like that, never, you talked back, I heard, told him he couldn't talk to you like that, put him in his place few times, and even if you ain't never have to say it you talked back cuz you knew he couldn't treat you like that, cuz you ain't none of those things, and that's why me and my sis don't let dumb bitches at school talk shit, cuz even though you never said it, didn't have to, you showed my big sis and me what a real lady is."

I see her exhale, see that worried look go away, see her throw me a kiss, feeling my eyebrow rise and my face get warm, cursing my damn teenage hormones, and hear Sarah say, "Thank you for defending my honor at school baby."

I see her laugh, hear the laughing at the table, and feel my smirk, seeing her carrying two cups with that tea.

I see her put those two cups in front of her mother and Leo, watch those hips walking away, remember she's trained some now, can fight now, but still, I exhale, and say, "Based on what that woman said, there is a possibility, as nonsensical as it would be, he is still working for that law firm, and came back because they asked him to come back, maybe threatening to fire him if he didn't or to keep an eye on him since she also said he wasn't calling his office when he should have, but I don't know why they would want that, why not just let him go."

I see that cup being placed in front of me, see that hand, know that day is coming up for her again, and know, more than that, I need to clean up this mess before then.

I see her place the other cup in front of her sister and hear my brother say, "Jazzy, make me one." I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at my brother, see him looking at Cindy's cup, and say, "You do know," but he cuts me off with, "Yeah McHater, you ain't gotta tell me."

I exhale, knowing he doesn't drink this tea because of where it comes from, but we are brothers, and possibly, similar in many ways.

I look over, see that smile, and hear her say, "Okay Riley." I see her walk away back to the stove and have this irrational want to follow her to that stove and put my hands on those hips, followed by the insane idea to get an apartment near campus with her rather than move into a dorm, knowing I cannot fathom the idea of living with imbeciles my age, only her.

I hear an exhale and hear Sarah say, "His experience." I look back at her, see her looking at the table, and she says, "That's the only reason they would find to not let him go. The DA's office has interns, seasoned attorneys, paralegals, law students of every year, vining to work or intern, even for a few weeks, so they don't need someone with experience and of course would not jeopardize their good standing for someone that's had that many legal problems in the last year, and so, I can only assume the reason Joe's firm would continue working with Tom at any stage would be because of his experience. But even then, it doesn't make sense. They would need a history with him, work he's done, to want to keep him with the legal issues he has."

I see her exhale, hear the cup being place to my left, look over, see my brother look at the cup, see him exhale, and feel her sitting back down next to me.

Then, I hear that voice say, "Mama do you remember that Bloom case? This kind of reminds me of it." I look over at her, see that thick hair in that braid, soft, and hear Sarah say, "Honey, you got it."

I see that smile, see her take a drink of her cup, and feel myself grabbing my cup, and tasting that tea.

I hear Sarah say, "That's probably what's been happening, why Joe's firm kept working with him." I look back at Sarah, put my cup down, and hear Leo say, "Sarah, you've lost three quarters of the table."

I hear that giggle next to me, put my hand on that leg, and feel her scoot closer to me.

I see Sarah smile at Leo and she says, "My sweet Leo, the Bloom case had to do with an attorney, who luckily I was not representing, whom had some domestic legal issues. At the time he was working for a small law firm, who he had been working with for only a few months, but because he was the most experienced attorney in that office and they wanted to continue working with him the firm helped him leave the state before he could be detected and had him work off the books. Mostly he was giving legal advice to the other partners, helping complete responses that needed to be submitted for court cases in which other attorneys would represent the client on the court date, and I believe even taking part in conference calls when attorneys would give legal advice to clients. Of course, in doing this, the firm was aiding him by giving him employment, financial support, while he was suspended from practicing, even in giving advice, because of the pending trial and warrant due to his unresolved domestic legal issues. There was also the problem that he was only licensed to practice in the state he was no longer physically in. The collapse happened when that firm asked him to return for some time, possibly only for a few days, to meet with certain clients in their office. Apparently there was an altercation with one of those clients when he was there, his office called the police to have them arrest the client, and when they arrived they arrested the client and the attorney after finding out who he was and subsequently had to face the trial he was running from."

I hear my brother exhale, look over, see his cup is half empty now, and hear him say, "Ms. S you think that what happen? I mean, he could be here cuz of that, but McHater said he stopped using his cards when we were in Chi-Town and then that hoe was taking care of him and she said he wasn't even calling his job so." I hear him exhale. Those months. Those months. He started working for that firm sometime between February and July, then he was in New York, stopped calling his office, and then he shows up here. Fuck. What are we missing? I need to find it.

I feel that hand go over my own, feel those fingers going in between my own, feel my fingers holding hers now, and hear that voice say, "I think that's what happened and I think it's because that place, that law firm, felt sorry for him." I feel my eyebrow rise, look over at that afro with all the unrealistic optimism it carries, and she says, "And I know we don't think this, because we know him, know." I see her swallow, hold her hand, see her exhale, and she says, "What he's really like, but those people don't. He probably started working for them, probably because his friend said some good things about him and got him the job, and then they saw that when he isn't." I see her inhale and she says, "Drinking, he's okay, maybe a good attorney. They didn't know what he was really like yet. I mean maybe he even lied to them to, like he did to that man, telling them mom took me from him, and then after he told them he had legal problems they maybe even told him to leave the state and they would still pay him because they felt sorry for him and then that way they wouldn't get in trouble for hiring him and he wouldn't go to jail for threatening that judge, and then." I see her exhale, see those eyes focus on that cup, feel myself let go of that hand, see her sit up straight, put my arm around her shoulders, and bring her in.

I feel her exhale and hear her say, "And then, who knows why, but I think it's because it's just who he is, he must've started drinking there, in New York, a lot, and then met that lady, and." I feel her exhale, feel that head on my chest, and hear that voice stop talking.

I exhale, trying to relax, and hear Leo say, "Jazzy."

I feel her sit up, see her look up at Leo, feel her relax into me, and hear Leo say, "You're thinking he went on what they call a 'bender' where he didn't stop drinking for some time, at least until something brought him out of it, possibly that law firm or his friend calling him, remembered your mother and you, and decided to come back."

I feel her nod and hear her sister say, "I ain't care if he drunk now, we go beat his ass 'morrow."

I feel her shaking, hear her laugh, feel my smirk, and hear Sarah say, "It really doesn't matter." I exhale, look up, see her looking at the girl on my chest, and she says, "The point is that he's here and we just need to be ready. And if he is trying to find a way to smear my reputation or have me disbarred, he won't find anything. I've only ever done one thing, asked for one favor, to make sure my youngest was safe, in this house, and even that was done through every legal avenue I could find. I just happen to expedite that process through my experience in the field and I would do it a hundred times over, regardless of what he does."

I feel that arm on my lower back, see Sarah look up at me with that smile, and she says, "But in addition to my experience I also happen to have a few friends that work at the precinct downtown and so I will be calling them tomorrow to tell them what we know and they can do what they will with that information. But, before I do that, I would like you to do one thing for me boys."

I exhale, knowing, at the minimum, I still want to put that fear in him and I do not need the police there when I do, and she says, "Since you said that man is willing to tell Tom whatever it is we want Tom to know, I want you to give that man some money for his cooperation, at least until the police move in."

I inhale and hear my brother say, "Ms. S, I know him. You give him anything, he'll use it for drugs. Probably never show after that. He one of those. Won't stop doing what he does. Just takes the money and runs. Likes living like that. He just does. And he already getting money from that punk ass."

I exhale, knowing he's right again, see Sarah turn to my brother, smile at him, and she says, "We don't know that Riley and although I have made my mistakes, I want you boys and my daughters to always know, hope, that people can change. Some of course won't, but others will, I'm sure. So, please, give him the money I will give you and if he says anything, tell him even if he disappears with it tomorrow, it's fine. He's already given us more information than we thought we would ever have because he decided to help us."

That's where the unrealistic optimism comes from. The unrealistic optimism that's making me feel too relaxes drawing on my back. Damn it.

I hear my brother exhale, see Sarah look back at me with that smile, and she says, "And I want you both to continue staying away from him."

I feel myself sit up and hear both of us say, "No."

I hear Leo say, "Huey, Riley, Sarah has a say in this so give her a minute to explain."

I exhale, slump back down into the chair, feel that finger on my back, starting with 'F' for Frederick Douglas, and I hear Sarah say, "Yes boys, there's a reason for it. Actually two reasons. The first." I see her look down, exhale, and she says, "I know he doesn't seem." I see her inhale and she says, "Violent or capable of violence, but he is." I inhale, feel that hand squeeze my side, and she says, "And when he's cornered, he can be dangerous. So please, for my mental wellbeing, because I do not want to imagine either one of you, or anyone, being hurt because of him, please, please stay away from him. And the second reason." I see her look back up, see her look at Cindy and the girl that's holding me right now, look up at me, and she says, "The second reason is that if you do anything to him, like I told you earlier, you two could have criminal charges on your record or worse, and although I could defend any actions you take, I want you both here, with us."

I exhale, feeling those letters on my side, the way they feel, feel myself nod, see her smile, and she says, "So, keep staying away from Tom and give that man the money I give you and tell him, if he still wants to continue on with this and he wants to contact us with information on Tom's actions and that information continues to be useful to us, we will pay him for it. Will you both agree boys, please?"

I inhale, feel that 'Q' on my side for 'Quincy Jones,' knowing I should reply to his email soon, hear my brother say, "A'ight Ms. S. Only cuz you asked," feel my exhale with her moving closer to me, knowing she's safe, they all are, and say, "I agree."

I see Sarah smile that smile, knowing Jazmine will continue being gorgeous as we get older, because I believe in science, in biology, and possibly, as unlikely as it is, some of their unrealistic optimism.


I inhale and say, "It's worth twenty at most so don't bother selling it, but there's money in that envelope. We don't know how much."

I see his eyebrow rise and hear my brother say, "All that shit from their mama, not from us." I exhale, see him put the prepaid phone in his pocket, and open the envelope.

I see his eyes open, see him look up, see his pupils look normal, and he's no longer twitching. The side effects, at least the acute ones, must be out of his system. I see him open his mouth and I say, "We don't want to know. That's her business."

I see him exhale, see him nod, and I say, "If you choose to help, let us know by tonight." I turn, ready to get back home, and hear him say, "Wait man."

I exhale, tired, knowing I have other things I need to get back to on my home computer regarding my research on his exact whereabouts for the last several months, who that friend of his is, and that woman he's staying with. Shit. And then there's the emails I need to reply to that mean close to nothing right now.

I turn around, see him holding a letter that must have been in that envelope along with the money, and feel my eyebrow rise. She didn't say there was a letter with that money. I see him exhale reading it and give him a few seconds to read it.

I see him inhale, see his eyes gloss over, see him look back up at us, and he says, "I'll tell you'll now I'll help and tell her she ain't gotta give me more."

I exhale and hear my brother say, "Thanks man." I nod and say, "Thank you." I see him nod and he says, "The fool knows she works today but I'ma just tell him she left at four, like last week."

I nod and say, "Good. Are you sure he doesn't have anyone else watching her or any of them?" He exhales, shakes his head, and says, "Nah, don't think so. I know the people that sleep out here and they all told me they ain't helping him cuz they know who he is and I think I'm the only way he knows anything cuz on Mondays he acts like a fucken dumbass when I call saying shit like he ain't know anything 'bout her for a day and he was waiting for my call."

I nod, feeling myself exhale some of the worry, knowing he's not watching them on Sundays. Either way.

I hear my brother say, "A'ight but we still watching them on Sundays 'til we make the punk ass leave town again."

I inhale and say, "That phone has two hundred minutes on it. There's a phone number saved on it where you can reach us."

I see him exhale and he says, "Alright. I'll call before calling his ass and you'll can tell me what to say."

I nod, thank him, turn around, and hear him say, "Hey, can I ask you'll something?"

I turn around, see him looking at that letter, and he says, "If I wanted to you know, get help and shit, you'll know where I can go?"

I feel my eyebrow rise and remember this week, that soft afro giving that man some hope to change his life, the statistics, the government, but maybe, at least right now, because they're all relying on us, I can try to rely on that unrealistic optimism. I exhale and say, "I don't know about those programs personally but I do know the shelter lets you stay there, administrators of those programs visit the shelter to offer assistants to people staying there, and you can start there, but first you need to be off of everything, that includes alcohol. Stay off the drugs and alcohol for a week and then show up at the shelter at six in the morning to sign in for the night and be guaranteed a bed. I believe most of those programs will only offer their help if you've stayed several consecutive nights at the shelter and you test negative for any substance."

I see him nod, see him look down, and hear my brother say, "Whatever money she gave you, use it to stay at some hotel, don't be out here, cuz you know this where you get the shit you're on and it's too hard getting off it when you 'round it all the fucken time."

I exhale, knowing I don't know everything he did because I did stop following him when he would leave to those parties, but for better or for worse, his associations and experiences have forced him to grow up some.

I see that guy look up at my brother, see him nod, and he says, "Thanks."

I exhale and say, "Thank you," turn around, hear my brother thank him, and start the walk back to Dorothy, parked several blocks down, ready to make it back home to my computer, that tea I'm going to ask her to make tonight, and those particles in that hair that are definitely transmitting hope that goes against statistics, numbers, and how I know the government works.


I feel that kiss on my back, feel myself relax, and hear her say, "Thank you." I exhale through my nose, hear that giggle, and hear her say, "For everything this week bestie. You know, for talking to that man yesterday and today and specially for yesterday, you know, for going to see him." I hear her stop, feel that forehead on my back, squeeze that fist and I say, "Jazmine."

I feel those breasts on my back with her inhale and hear her say, "Thank you for seeing him there, at that restaurant, not doing anything to him, and then coming home to be with us. Thank you. I mean, that had to be really hard for you because it's him." I hear her exhale and feel her hold me tighter. I feel my exhale, knowing her well enough by now after sleeping in this fashion for several months, know what it means when she hugs me like that, that much tighter, and hear myself voice my thought, "Jazmine, what aren't you telling me?"

I hear her swallow, I inhale, and hear her say, "Am I ever gonna be good at keeping things from you?"

I exhale. Damn it. I bring that fist down, let go of it, turn around, go down to be at eye level with those greens, and say, "Jazmine, tell me, now."

I see her exhale, smell that breath, and hear her say, "I promise, just like I told my mom, he didn't do, anything."

I see the brightness of that green and know where those freckles are even in my dark room. I also know she's one of those people that doesn't like lying, possibly can't, at least not to me, and I say, "Then what are you not saying?"

I see that small smile, see her come towards me, feel that peck, feel her move away, and move in.

I kiss those lips longer, pull back, bring my hand up to touch any part of that face, and wonder when these 'feelings' started. It couldn't have been just after that last funeral. They've been here, in my mind, trying to push that door open, for longer than that, much longer, maybe as long as I've thought about how soft her face is.

I feel her grab my hand, feel that kiss in my palm, see her look at me, and hear her say, "Do you think it's weird that." I hear her swallow, see the redness appear over those freckles, and hear her say, "We feel like this about each other and we've only been together for a little bit? I mean, even right now I know how I feel but I never wanna push you to feel anything for me, even if it's just that you like me or think that I'm pretty or anything, even if I do feel a lot for you."

I exhale, knowing she doesn't know these 'feelings' have been here longer than possibly whatever she feels for me, and know she's either trying to change the subject or she's gone off on one of those 'Jazmine thoughts'. I inhale, knowing I need to remind her, and I say, "You said we have time to figure out those sort of things, especially if we're still planning on attending the same college and can talk about law or medical school after that and." I see that smile, feel my exhale, and say, "We can talk about that another time. Right now, you're telling me what you don't want to tell me."

I hear her inhale, see those eyes of hers open, see her move in, and feel that hair under my chin. I feel her arm go around my torso, and I put my hand on that lower back. Then, I hear her say into my chest, "Okay." I hear her swallow and hear her say, "When mom wasn't home sometimes, he would walk back and forth in front of my door, in the hallway, pacing, and then at night when she was asleep, sometimes." I hear her exhale, hold that lower back, knowing if I don't I'll leave right now to go back to that hotel, room 157, knock the door down, and kill him, and hear her say, "Sometimes." I feel her move in closer and hear her say, "Let me tell you something that happened this morning first." I want to push her back and tell her to stop evading the subject but she possibly doesn't need that right now and she's always given me space and time. I exhale and hear her say, "This morning, I told my mom and my sister that last night I had a weird dream that I was asleep in my bed, and I heard the doorknob being turned, woke up, got up, like a zombie, walked over to my desk, grabbed my chair, lifted it to not make noise, walked over to my door, and put my chair under the doorknob, so whoever was turning it couldn't get in. Then I laid back down and went back to sleep. And, the dream of me doing this felt really weird, like how I got up, picked up that chair, and put it under the doorknob like I was used to it, like I had been doing it for a while. And then, when I woke up this morning and saw that my chair was at my desk, I knew it was a dream. And, talking about it with my mom and sister today made me remember that I had thought about this when I was twelve or thirteen, this dream of waking up and doing that all the time, until one day, I think right after I turned thirteen, I had come home from school and my mom had changed my doorknob to one where I could lock it from the inside because, she had said, I was a teenager now and I needed my privacy. Then, after she changed that doorknob, I forgot about those nights, those dreams of me moving my chair. And today, after I told my mom about that, she cried."

I feel her exhale, remember seeing Sarah's red eyes today but not wanting to ask because that's their business, and hear her say, "She kept saying she should've left him sooner, taking me out of that house, and taking my sister and me away, and we kept telling her to remember what Aunt Cookie said and I kept telling her I know nothing like what she was thinking ever happened. He didn't." I feel her exhale, know the thoughts I'm having right now are going to come into fruition one day, and hear her say, "I'm a virgin."

I exhale and say, "You are and you'll stay like that as long as you want."

I hear that voice say, "I didn't tell you about this because I didn't know bestie, not until this morning. I promise."

I hear myself say, "If he touches you, I'll kill him."

I feel her exhale and hear her say, "Okay, but only after my sister and I hurt him."

I bring her in more, know she's here, Leo's at their house right now, and her younger sister is upstairs with my brother.

But I still feel myself at that point, feel her hug me tighter, and hear her say, "We also talked about Christmas."

I feel my eyebrow rise, know she's trying to change the subject again, exhale, knowing she needs this right now, feel my smirk, and say, "You mean the pagan holiday that Jesus probably hates everyone for celebrating?"

I hear her giggle, feel my temperature dropping, and hear her say, "I think you also told me once that it came from the Romans and they celebrated it by drinking too much and having sex with each other."

I exhale and say, "How much of what I say do you remember?" I feel that kiss on my chest and hear her say, "Everything." I inhale, remember where my hand is, put it under that cotton shirt she's wearing, feeling that slim back over that ass, and hear her say, "But really Huey, I was like ten. Why would you tell me that stuff? I didn't even know what sex was."

I feel my smirk, feel that warmth that only happens when she's near, and say, "You know what sex is now."

I hear her swallow, feel that face in my chest getting warm, feel my smirk getting bigger, and hear her say, "I know what sex is because of the stuff we've done, yes, but we haven't, you know, actually had sex. And really bestie. Ten. I was ten."

I exhale and say, "It's possible." I inhale, see the light coming through the curtains from the streetlights outside, know I set up those cameras around her house, this house, both have alarm systems installed, and say, "If I would've known what was happening I wouldn't have said those," but she cuts me off with, "I learned about the world the Huey Freeman style, and I think, if it wasn't for those things, I would've been too immature to know how to be strong, how to use those hugs you would let me give you in the morning to remind me that if I was your best friend I had to be strong, because only a strong person could be your best friend, and how if I did cry at night," I inhale, hug what's mine, and hear her say, "If I did cry, it didn't make me bad or immature, because I knew in the morning you would be waiting at the bus stop and I would be okay because you would make me feel a little stronger with those hugs, and hopefully, one day, I would make you feel something close to that. But the best part about all of it was that I was learning in that Huey style how to be strong for everyone, for my mom and my little sister, and I just knew things would work out, one day, so." I hear her stop, feel her move away, look down, see those eyes looking up at me, and she says, "Don't ever think that you saying those things to me was ever a bad thing okay."

I exhale and say, "I want to kiss you when we're done talking, but first I want to know what else you talked about today that I should know about."

I see her lick those lips, I exhale, and hear her say, "We also talked about my grandma."

I nod and say, "Has she recovered from that cold?"

I see her shake her head, see those greens look down at my shirt, and she says, "Not yet." I hear her exhale and she says, "But the doctor said she just needs to rest, drink fluids, and she'll be okay. But really she just needs to make sure to not get sick from anything else right now or she could," I see those eyes water, see her inhale, bring her in, feel that hair under my chin again, knowing I'm not good, possibly will never be good, at making people not feel grief, but I understand the times I've felt anger or any form of grief and she's been there, she's always done this, hug me. I also just realized, as these thoughts come to me like they did at their grave, that the many times she came running to my door or to that hill to find me and tell me about some event I thought to be trivial at the time, and then cried and hugged me, I wanted to hug her every time, but because of them, those people that were just below the surface, the ones that told me I shouldn't, couldn't hug her, I didn't hug her.

I exhale, close my eyes, smelling those particles, feel the wetness on my shirt, inhale, and say, "Jazmine."

I hear her inhale, feel her moving away, hug her tighter, and say, "No." I feel that arm hug me tighter, feel that face go deeper into my chest, and I let her cry.

After some time, aware that I didn't count the seconds, I hear that voice say, "Thank you bestie. You always make me feel better."

I open my eyes, see the streetlights, want to tell her that unrealistic optimism is making her delusional, and hear say, "You always did. You just let me cry, let me tell you things, and then would tell me stuff I didn't understand, like how the country needed more unions and I should be thinking about that instead. And, I didn't even know what a union was."

I exhale, hear that giggle, and feel that worry, if that's what it is, leaving my body again, and say, "You do now." I exhale, knowing I just assumed she does know. Damn it.

I hear her say, "I know it has to do with giving people that work for only a little money more power, you know, to make changes at their job, but I haven't really read a lot about it. Hopefully, next year, if I take economics, I'll learn more. But right now, I just want to keep learning about how black women lived right after reconstruction."

I exhale, feel my smirk, and say, "How is that book?" I feel that kiss on my chest, feel myself relax, and hear her say, "A little sad but I know it's what really happened. Right now I've only read up to the second chapter because I want to read it slow because some of the words the author uses I need to look up and then have to go back and read the sentence again."

I feel that skin under that shirt, knowing now what that back looks like with that shirt having rode up during the night, and say, "Anything new you've learned about so far?" I also know she needs to focus on something else, focus on staying here, with me.

I hear her exhale and hear that voice say, "Yes. I learned that before the civil war black women were sold, just like black men, like there were just things, like they didn't matter, and that during the war it wasn't only the Confederate army that was bad, some of the Union army was really bad to, racist, with black people, killing them, and." I hear her inhale and hear her say, "Sometimes, when they were going through the South, they would do things, things white masters would do to women, black women."

I exhale and hear her say, "And it's kind of making sense now, why there are so many mix people, like me, that come from white and black ancestors, because women, black women, were." I hear her stop, hear her inhale and swallow, and feel the skin on that back become cold, knowing the discomfort, the fear all women, girls, must feel when they voice it. I exhale, know I want to continue hearing her talk, but first it needs to be voiced, and I say, "Black women were raped."

I feel that cheek on my chest and hear her say, "You know, I think that's maybe, hopefully not, but maybe that's where it started with my mom's family. I think, maybe that's where the white part came from because my grandma looks part white, like me, and I never got to meet my grandpa because he was never around. He was just kind of never there and when I did ask about him when I was little I remember my mom said she didn't know her dad and my grandma was the only one that raised her. But, back then, when my grandma had my mom it was still really difficult, maybe even bad, specially in Louisiana, if a white man had a baby with a black woman, so maybe that's why he wasn't there. He just, you know, didn't wanna raise a baby with a mix black woman. I don't know." I hear her exhale, feel my exhale knowing the world is better today but not by nearly enough, and hear her say, "What I do know is that my grandma's mix and I remember those black and white pictures of her mom, my great grandma, showing how dark she was, a rich dark, almost night, color that I would've loved to see but she passed away a long time ago." I feel her inhale and feel that kiss on my chest.

I exhale, relaxing to that voice, and hear her say, "But I think my great grandma also raised my grandma by herself because my mom told me this week that her grandad was not around either but she said he must've been white because of how my grandma looks, so." I hear her inhale and hear her say, "So, when I was reading that book and started thinking about this stuff I started to think that maybe, because my grandma looks like she does, my great grandpa was completely white and he didn't or couldn't raise a family with a black woman and maybe, because it was way before the civil rights movement when people that had been slaves were still alive and white people, the whole country, looked at black people, African Americans, like they were just freed slaves that shouldn't have any rights, even if they were real people, humans that had already bled and died fighting for their lives and their families." I hear her exhale, hearing the history in that voice, and hear her say, "Like, what I think happened to my great grandma, working at bad jobs that got her sick, and passing away too young because my mom says she died when she was really little and can't really remember her anymore." I hear that inhale and hear that voice say, "And I think it's because she didn't have help from my great grandad that that happened, that she had to work a lot all of her life and couldn't take care of herself because I think he was white, because of how my grandma looks and he probably didn't care that he got her pregnant because she was just a black woman with no rights, that didn't matter, and maybe it wasn't even something she wanted, knowing he wouldn't want to raise a baby with her, maybe even forced her, did that to her." I feel her exhale, feeling that lower back, knowing this is some part of black women's history they do not teach us at school, possibly will in college, but more than likely will only gloss over it because people do not like facing the reality of what this country and its people have done to each other, have done to black men and women of every shade, to be at the pinnacle of the world.

I feel that face move on my chest, put my chin over that head further, not wanting to tell her I want to hear more of how aware she is, and hear her say, "So, I don't know and I know this might sound weird but I'm starting to think that everything I'm reading and learning kind of connects to me, even that book. Like, all that stuff I'm reading in it is telling me I come from really strong black and mixed women."

I exhale, close my eyes, knowing there is nowhere else I would want to be at this precise moment, and say, "None of that sounds illogical since black women were subjugated to that treatment and when it comes to your living grandmother, if she truly looks similar to you and lived in Louisiana before the civil rights movement, it is completely possible she was left to raise a child on her own because a weak white man who knows how difficult it would be to be with a mix or what they called 'colored' woman back then would not stay and so your grandmother, along with the rest of the women in your family, can be nothing but strong."

I feel her exhale and hear that voice say, "Thank you bestie. My grandma is strong, just like my mom, who looks just like her to. And just thinking about her right now, it makes me happy to know that I do look like her a little because I have her eyes and hair and my mom has her face, I remember. They're both so beautiful. But right now we can't go see her because the doctor said it would be better to wait until our next vacation when she's better because right now if one of us is sick and we don't know it and get her sick." I hear her stop, I exhale, and say, "It could be detrimental to her health."

I feel her press her cheek on my chest again and hear that voice say, "Yes. So at least until she gets better, we'll be calling her every week to check on her. And yesterday, before you and Riley came home, she waited a little to see if she could finally talk to you two. She wants to meet you."

I exhale, hear that giggle, squeeze the skin over that back, and say, "Fine. When she's feeling better, I'll." I exhale longer, feel her kiss my chest, and I say, "Talk to her."

I feel her exhale and hear that voice say, "I wish my sister and you and Riley could meet her in person, not just over the phone." I feel my eyebrow rise, remembering the gift we sent Aunt Cookie last month, and say, "Doesn't she have a smart phone so you can facetime?"

I hear her exhale and hear say, "Yes but she doesn't use it. Mom sent her one months ago so we could start face timing with her but she never turned it on. And she only likes using her home phone and she says the buttons on the phone we sent her are too small and she thinks it's too hard for her to set it up."

I feel my other eyebrow rise, open my eyes, see the streetlights finally turned off, and say, "Does she have someone there that could help her set it up?"

I hear her say, "Yeah, I have an auntie, my mom's cousin, that lives near my grandma that I think helps her with that kind of stuff but I think my mom said even my auntie doesn't like technology and only uses her cell phone for emergencies, so I think she probably knows how to charge a phone but that's it."

I exhale and nod, knowing it's possible, but would require some time.

I hear her inhale and hear her say, "Can we kiss now?" I inhale, know what I want but there are things that are more important than what I try to live off of, and say, "Anything else you talked about today that I should know about?"

I feel that hand on my back moving down and say, "Jazmine." I hear that giggle and feel that hand go under my shirt, feeling that warm hand and nails on my back. I swallow, close my eyes to relax, and hear that voice say, "We also talked about getting a real Christmas tree this year."

I inhale, trying to focus on the absurdity of that and not on those nails that are drawing on my back, and say, "You know that tree business is just another way for the white man," but she cuts me off saying, "And a lot of other holidays to bestie but I just." I hear her exhale and hear that whiny voice say, "For a long time we kept using one of those fake Christmas trees because we just." I feel those soft fingers drawing on my back now and hear that voice say, "We just had other things to worry about and didn't really talk about that stuff just, you know, brought down the plastic Christmas tree from the attic every year, and set it up with the plastic balls and lights. Everything was always." I hear her exhale and hear that voice say, "Plastic, you know, so it wouldn't break if it fell."

I open my eyes, see the darkness, the window, and do not see anything moving outside.

I exhale and hear her say, "So, I think this year we want to get a real Christmas tree when mom has a day off, start decorating the house with Christmas stuff, anything that's Christmas, and on Christmas Eve maybe we'll go to church and then come home and decorate the tree and watch Christmas movies and wrap up presents and listen to Christmas music until we're tired of it, and do everything, anything, and." I grab that arm that's hugging me, push her back onto the bed, and cover that body with my own.

I look down at that face, see those freckles in the moonlight, see that smile appear, and she says, "That's all we talked about today that you need to know about okay, old stuff that doesn't matter, my grandma that does matter, and fun stuff for Christmas."

I exhale, go down, kiss those lips, pull away, and say, "Fine." I see those eyes shine, possibly, as unrealistically as it is with all that is happening, because she's happy, go down, kiss those lips longer, and remember all the times I wanted to kiss them when she would walk up to me, not knowing back then the way they tasted, feeling my exhale with it. I pull away, remembering what she just said about what she wants to do, and I say, "But you're not making me listen to that pagan holiday music."

I see that smile, see that face come up, close my eyes feeling that tongue going over my lip, feeling myself twitch, and groan feeling that hand on my head. Fuck. I can't cum this fast. Not tonight. I want to enjoy her.

I exhale, trying to relax some, and hear that voice under me say, "I want to kiss my boyfriend now and help him and." I hear her swallow, open my eyes, see that tint I like, knowing I like things today, a lot of things, and she says, "Help him cum on my stomach."

I press myself down onto that soft stomach, feel that hand encircle my head, taste that tongue, and hear her say my name, knowing I get to have things today because some insignificant part of me is starting to believe, for myself, that I am a good person and know it's because of that Jazmine head and her unrealistic optimism in me and this world, and so she can have that pagan holiday music.


The Law Offices of Brown and Swanson. I shake my head, knowing some, most, of these organizations are only using these donations to cover their less-respectable expenses. More than likely they were paid more than what's on their books by some of their clients for not-so-legal tactics to do what was necessary to win a case and they only reported some of that additional payment and now need to write-off what was reported through some kind of donation. I could hardly care what those businesses do and how they make their money but I do understand many of them report only a fraction of some exorbitant amount of money they were paid and spend the rest on things they won't even tell their closest friends about, like drugs and strip clubs. Strip clubs. I exhale. My brother. Idiot. Only once did I not beat him on the way home after I found him out late at night because he had already been through and seen enough that night. I never asked him if that was the first and last time he went to that club and really I didn't care. After that, when he would leave I assumed it was either to a party or some other idiotic form of entertainment and if he was caught he would be with Ed and Rummy and they would have to deal with it. And that was the only time I've been to a strip club at the ripe age of fourteen, to drag my twelve year old brother home. My brother who I'm going to leave here when I graduate in two years and know, no matter how much he thinks he's grown up, he's still my idiot brother that's sold weed on the streets of downtown Woodcrest. I exhale, knowing I can deal with that later. I see the time on the screen and know it's almost time. And, feeling my smirk, remember that after that strip club I thought there would be nothing that could make me feel what some would call 'embarrassed'. And then, she started sleeping over.

I feel my smirk, with that warmth on my face, remembering she had to sleep in another t-shirt, again, after we were done on Saturday night.

I hear him say, "Must be thinking about Jazzy."

I stop typing, shake my head, continue typing, knowing my face is warm having thought about that soft stomach, and say, "Are you staying until the night team arrives?"

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Yeah, I'll stay. Have you given college a serious thought yet?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, look up, see him sit down in the chair in front of the desk, and I say, "Yes, there's five top choices so far but it depends on several factors."

I see him smirk and he says, "Is one of those factors where Jazzy's accepted?"

I exhale, look back down, continue typing, hear him laugh, and hear him say, "It's alright Huey. A lot people decide on the college they'll attend based on location, living in a different place, certain degrees they offer, although most colleges more or less offer the same degrees, how close or far family is, financial issues, friends attending that same college, and for some that are lucky enough, it can come down to love."

I feel my eyebrow rise, look up at him, and say, "Frank, I didn't say," but he cuts me off with, "You don't have to. I remember when I was your age that was my top priority. Following her."

I feel my other eyebrow rise, nod for him to continue, and he says, "And I followed her."

I inhale, know the question, but it's not my business, and he says, "Monica."

I feel my mouth open, feel a deep feeling of something, not sure what that something is and not liking not knowing what it is, see him smile, and he says, "Yes, my wife."

I nod, trying to decipher the meaning of this and that feeling in my stomach, see him inhale, and he says, "I won't tell you what to do because that's your decision, but I know for me, there was no other decision to be made."

I exhale, see him smile, see him look down, and he says, "I knew that back then, when I was younger, and know that now even more, after many of my college friends did eventually marry and." I see him stop, see him exhale, and he says, "Although they are happily married, most are, with stable careers, family, friends, a life, they still think, some do." I see him look up at me and he says, "About the one that got away."

I nod, remembering sitting in this chair with Mr. Willis giving me advice on good and bad people, knowing this is his son, see him look down, shake his head, feeling my eyebrow rise, and he says, "One of those close friends of mine even told me he tried contacting her again."

I see him look up at me, see him exhale, and he says, "The first time he did this it was because he thought, somehow, this girl he dated in high school was waiting for him, not having moved on, not having started a life of her own with her own children and family, a husband." I see him exhale, see him look away, and he says, "A husband who apparently was my friend's childhood enemy." I see him shake his head, see him look at me with his eyebrow raised, and he says, "I didn't want to remind him that in college I told him to find her, look for her, transfer, due what was necessary, instead of the parties and girl after girl that someone always looked like her, so instead I told him the truth and the truth is that that girl, woman, was possibly not only the woman of his dreams but possibly the woman of another man's dreams and that man knew to not let her go and so now he had to move on, whether he wanted to or not."

I exhale, feel that want to see that soft blonde afro for some inexplicable damn reason, see him inhale, and he says, "So I won't tell you Huey what to do like I told Dennis many many times in college and then later in grad school, especially when he would make it to class with a hangover again because he got drunk the night before again thinking about her again, would agree to call her, find her, and then after a few days, once the hangover was gone, the memory of that night was long gone, he would find another girl with long dark hair, dark eyes that looked like Sandra, would say he was over her, even though I knew, we all knew, he never moved on and thought about her possibly every day."

I see him exhale and he says, "So I won't tell you what I told Dennis many many times because I think you're smarter than him, at least when it comes to life, because you've already had your own misfortunes." I inhale, see him look down, see him nod, and he says, "My father told me to keep good people close to me always. Dennis is a good person, has always been a good person, who luckily also had family that could help him financially while he looked for a job after grad school unable to find one for too long because of his poor school records and no work experience because of those parties and the drinking and those girls that were more important than applying for internships, even though we had hounded him about that, and hopefully, you won't be as stubborn as him because apparently, aside from having a late start in his career due to his choices in college and grad school, from what he told me a few months ago, the phone call he made to Sandra this time didn't sit well with her husband who happens to be a police officer and threatened to press charges and more important than even that, it didn't sit well with Dennis's wife who I believe is getting tired of this."

I feel my eyebrows rise, feel my chin rise, see him look at me, see him exhale, and he says, "And I'm starting to believe those phone calls, where people figure out they made a mistake or want to see if it's possible to get something they never had, come every ten years or so because it's every ten years he decides he's going to call her and see if she's divorced her husband and he can finally be with her, have a life with her, regardless of the fact that they both have separate families now, and it's every ten years or so that some of my other friends start reminiscing about the one they let get away."

I exhale, feeling that I'm overstepping my grounds, and hear myself say, "Is it possible that woman also made a mistake."

I see him smirk, see him lean back into the chair, and he says, "Women do not make those kinds of mistakes Huey. They love who they love." I see him exhale and he says, "Specifically, from what I know in Dennis's situation, there is a possibility Sandra loved Dennis back then, when they were younger, but the moment he thought those girls in college, those parties, that life was better than coming home to her, even if that meant to separate dorm rooms, like Monica and I did the first year, Sandra moved on and apparently Dennis's childhood enemy who did follow her to her college was there, waiting for her, and that is where that story ends."

I exhale, trying to decipher all of this, feel myself nod, see him smirk, and he says, "I understand you're interested in law school." I inhale, focus, and say, "I am, but I know it depends on what college I attend which law school will accept me, along with my GPA and LSAT score."

I see him nod and he says, "The college you attend hardly matters as long as it's reputable, what does matter is your experience there, how active you are in the student life, joining clubs and organizations, starting them, what you do outside of going to class, other than taking tests, keeping a high GPA, graduating at the top of your class. Grades, your GPA, that all matters, yes, but really you already have enough worthy accomplishments to secure internships at top law firms around the country while you pursue a law degree. But." I see him stop, aware that he works for one of the most well-known law firms in Texas keeping people with low-income out of jail, the prison system, predominantly blacks, and knows what he's talking about.

I see him smile and he says, "But none of that is possible unless you have drive, a reason for it all, a reason to read that next page, to submit that next assignment, to make that next speech, the next argument, to submit the next resume, the next application, and to wake up each morning, knowing after you see so many disenfranchised people on the street, in jail, in a pattern they cannot break out of, there's hope, there's hope for them, because you have hope."

Hope. I exhale and hear myself say, "Would you classify unrealistic optimism as hope?"

I see him laugh, see him smile, and he says, "Yes."

I nod and say, "Thank you Frank." I see him exhale and he says, "Well, it's still half an hour before you're supposed to leave, any other advice you need?"

I exhale, feel my smirk, shake my head looking down at the screen, seeing that law firm again on the screen, and hear myself say, "Unless you can help keeping my brother out of trouble when I leave, no."

I inhale. Shit. I look up, see him smirk, and he says, "Huey, don't worry about it, but about your brother."

I exhale, see him smile, and he says, "The only thing I can tell you about Riley is." I see him look away, see him thinking, look back at me, and he says, "He is the best example of what I regret the most in life."

I feel my eyebrow rise and see him smile. I exhale, trying to not be an imbecile again bringing that up, and he says, "Howie." I exhale and he says, "Howie was an idiot in many ways." I see him inhale, see him look down, and he says, "A lovable idiot. But he had this talent of making everyone feel at ease, whenever he was in the room, everyone, including myself, seemed to relax, to know everything would be." I see him exhale and he says, "Settled, as long as he was in the room and." I see him look up at me and he says, "Aside from the hair he had as a teenager, I think you also have that quality of his, which is one of the reasons my father calls you by his name."

I inhale and say, "Is he aware that he does that?" I see him exhale, see him look down, and he says, "I think he catches himself doing it and I believe he does it because he wants to keep Howie's presence here, in one way or another, and you help him in that, so thank you for that."

I exhale, see him look up at me, see him smile and he says, "But about Riley." I see him exhale and he says, "Whenever I see him, see how much you two look alike, how you interact, it makes me miss Howie and."

I inhale and he says, "Your brother is the best example of what I regret the most in life because he reminds me." I see him stop, see him inhale, and he says, "That I didn't tell him that even though he thought he wasn't as smart as his friends or myself because he had chosen to go into the military instead of going to college, I was still proud, proud that he was my brother, so proud I told everyone about him when I was in college and he had been deployed, Monica talked about him like he was her brother because she was proud and loved him and spoiled him when she could, and regardless of what he did with his life, I would always be proud because he was a good man, and I loved him, and I didn't tell him I loved him enough, and I didn't tell him he was a good man, that he was becoming a good man."

I see his eyes water, see him look down and inhale, and he says, "I apologize Huey. Other than with my wife, I rarely speak of him."

I inhale and say, "Frank, I didn't mean to," but he cuts me off with, "No Huey, please, it's fine and really it's not just you." I see him look up, see him inhale, and he says, "It's everything here, this place, the house where my father still lives, my father, whose getting older." I see him exhale, see him smile, and he says, "And that's why I decided to not leave this time and Monica will be bringing the kids, after she takes care of getting everything packed for the movers."

I exhale and say, "Was it that easy moving back?" I see him smile, see him exhale, and he says, "A lot easier than I thought it would be." I feel my eyebrow rise, see him smirk, and he says, "Monica made it happen."

I nod for him to continue and he says, "When I called that night on Thanksgiving she asked how dad was doing, told her, and she said she wanted me to call the office and tell them we were moving, she would take care of clearing up my office with help from my assistant, would box up everything at home, set up the movers, fly out here with the kids once it was all done, and we would figure things out, financially, from there, but my father shouldn't be alone, and she reminded me that I've stayed away far too long, calling and visiting wouldn't be enough anymore, and then." I see him smirk, see him look away, and he says, "I did exactly that. I called the office the next day, told them I wouldn't be going back, and they said they were aware of the problem of the large population of low-income individuals in this area and wanted me to open a satellite office here that would serve their legal needs."

I see him look back at me, smirking, and he says, "Our people Huey are everywhere. Yes, I will serve low-income individuals, but in the kind of world we live in, a large section of that population is our people and so I will still be of service to them here, and." I see him exhale, see him smile, and he says, "I can have my kids grow up near my father, will continue helping those that need help that cannot afford it, and." I see him look down and he says, "I will continue remembering my brother here, where we grew up, watching my kids grow up here, who are still young enough to enjoy growing up here, and Monica."

I see him look back up at me, see him exhale, and he says, "Dennis will always be one of my closest friends, stubborn as a mule as my father would say, but unlike him, I don't have to live with that regret that he does, that one regret that too many stubborn fools, some close friends, have to live with."

I exhale and say, "Thank you for that advise and." I inhale and say, "It'll be good to have you here. I." I exhale and say, "Sometimes do think about Mr. Willis during the day and how he's doing."

I see him smile, see him nod, and he says, "Thank you and yes, with my kids here helping on the weekends, it'll be like little Jazzy never grew up."

I can't help it, thinking about those days, that uncontrollable afro in those two buns as large as her head, annoying as all hell, and still, she could make me smirk, possibly even smile, even back then, when she wasn't looking. I feel it on my face right now, thinking about that smile, that laugh, and that uncontrollable hair back then, looking at the screen, and hear Frank say, "Six years of knowing you Huey and this is first time I have seen something close to a smile. She must make you happy."

I feel myself nod and hear myself say, "She does." Shit. I look up, see him smile, and I say, "Frank," but he cuts me off with, "I didn't hear anything Huey and I'm sure with as smart as she is, she probably already knows."

I exhale, look down at the time, and hear him say, "How about you leave right now, go get her early, and I'll finish up what you're doing?" I look up and say, "Frank it's only scheduling and," but he cuts me off with, "Per replies you received from each organization, should be easy enough. Go. Tomorrow you can stay until seven on the dot, okay?"

I inhale, look back down at the last few emails, and hear him say, "Monica's always happy when I get home early. Go."

I exhale, feel my smirk, nod, get up, walk over to the coat hanger, put my coat on, and say, "Thank you."

I walk out and hear him say, "Of course Howie." I inhale, look back at him, see him looking at me with his mouth open, hear him start to apologize, and I say, "Frank."

I see him stop and nod for me to continue. I exhale, remember the girl I'm going to see in six minutes, and I say, "It's a good name, it sounds like my name, and it was giving to." I exhale and say, "People with character. Have a good night."

I see him smile and I turn around, possibly wanting to go for a run and be there in two minutes.


I feel my cheeks getting warm seeing him look at me. Okay, when am I going to stop doing that? I exhale, knowing I had to get away from him because he wouldn't stop with that hand. I mean I like it, a lot, but we can't do that here. I exhale, see him smirk that cute smirk at me, remembering those lips yesterday, not really knowing or caring why he wanted to go home so fast, just to take my backpack off of me, turning on CNN, pushing me down on the couch, and then kissing me, like that, in the day, well, the evening, knowing my sister and Riley could walk in on us at any time, feeling his cock over, with CNN on somewhere in the background, our backpacks on the floor somewhere, that tongue, those kisses all over my neck and the top of my chest, feeling myself shaking, and then swearing I kept hearing him say that he wasn't going to let me get away. I didn't even care what that meant, I just wanted him to keep kissing me, and feeling myself getting really, really wet.

I hear her voice say, "Jazzy boo?" I look over at my sister, see her smiling at me that pretty smile, and say, "Yeah sissy?" I see her start laughing and I can't help but start laughing.

I feel her hug me and hear her say, "You happy I texted your butt befor' we got home." I exhale and say, "Thank you sissy. I was gonna be so embarrassed if you and Riley walked in on us."

I hear her giggle, hug her back, and hear her say, "Aw boo, you knows Riles and I be doing the same shit." I giggle and hear Ming's voice say, "'Bout that." I feel my eyebrow rise, let go of my sister, look over at Ming, see her looking down, blushing, hear myself giggle, and hear her say, "So, couldn't ask you'll on Sunday cuz we were training and the guys were there and shit and then yesterday he wouldn't let my ass get up from that table but, and I don't need details cuz, you know, we're in school and shit and we can text later, but this last Saturday, um." I see her look up at us, see her exhale, see her smile, and she says, "Well kinda, you know, did a few things with Michael and I just don't know, like, if I'm doing it right."

I feel my mouth open and hear Lauren say, "Um, did he say he liked it?" I feel my eyes get big, look over at her, see her blushing, looking at Ming, and hear Ming say, "Wells he kind of just, you know, finished, but I just don't know if he liked it cuz he didn't say anything after. He was just, you know, quiet, and just kind of smiling. And we all know Michael's ain't quiet."

I giggle and hear my sister say, "Yeah I think when Riles really likes it, he kind of just lays there and shit, not saying anything, just looking up, like he in bliss and shit." Oh my god. I close my eyes. No, not thinking about my little sister doing those things. No.

I hear Lauren say, "Yeah, same with my Hiro, like." I feel my eyes open, look at Lauren, see her looking down, and she says, "He kind of just, you know, got hard again and before he went to the bathroom I asked him if I could like, touch it, and he let me, and then I, you know, did it for him so he wouldn't have to go to the bathroom and do it himself, and when I was done and he had finished, he just looked at me, and." I see her stop, see her look away, and she says, "Then he kissed me, a lot, like he was just happy I did that to him and I didn't even know if I was doing it right, but I think he really liked it even though he didn't say it, so that's why I asked if he said it because I don't know if guys are supposed to say it."

I feel my eyes open, seeing Lauren looking away with that blush, and hear my sister say, "Yeah, same with Riles, we just, you know, finish each other but." I close my eyes, not being completely ready to hear that from my little sister, because she's my little sister, put my head down, and say, "Oh my god."

I hear my friends and sister laughing, feel my smile, feel her arm around my shoulders, and hear my sister say, "Aw boo, you happy for me." I put my head on her shoulder, open my eyes, seeing our friends smiling at us, and I say, "I am sissy, it's just weird, I mean because you're my real sister and he's like my half-brother."

I hear them all laughing, exhale, happy, knowing I'm trying to focus on this, right now, not think about anything else, and hear Ming say, "Yeah, he kind of, you know, just laid there and shit and I just." I see her exhale, see her purse her lips, and she says, "I just know he's been with other girls and I just," but hear my sister's voice cut her off with, "Nah ah Mimi's you ain't doing that shit."

I see Ming look at my sister, see her look away, sad I think, and hear my sister say, "Mimi's, look at me." I feel my smile, seeing Ming turn with a smirk, knowing no one can say no to my sister, and hear my sister say, "One, we all knows he was all over your ass first day he saw you." I see her giggle and I say, "Two, remember he didn't let you leave the table yesterday and I'm sure he hasn't stopped touching you for the last ten minutes so whatever happened this last weekend, he probably really liked Mimi's."

I see her laugh and hear Lauren say, "And three, you know to not compare yourself to that sata because you're on the basketball team, are one of the smartest and prettiest girls at this school Mimi's, and he never looks at that girl, so I don't think he even thinks about her okay."

I see her exhale and hear Ming say, "You'll right. I ain't gonna trip. I'll just ask him this weekend when I go down on him a," see her stop, see her get completely red, see Lauren hug her, see my sister move up and hug her, and I go in and hug them, feeling Ming exhale.

I hear my sister's voice say, "Mimi's I've done that shit to a'ight, few times, and I knows for a fact Riles likes it, but I think I might like that shit more." Oh my god. I giggle with them and then hear Lauren say, "Yeah Mimi's and I'm sure, the way my Hiro and me are going, and how good it felt to do that to him, even if it's weird I don't care, I wanna do that to him to." I hear them laugh, I feel my smile, and I say, "Mimi's, as you call him my afro." I hear them giggle, feel my smile get bigger, and say, "My afro has to stop me from doing that to him because I like doing it too much I think and, I mean, I don't know what the right way is or what it really means to go down on a guy, I just know that I like it, how we do it, so just have fun and ask him if he likes it. Sex is supposed to be, um." I feel my lips purse trying to remember and hear my sister's voice say, "I think our mama said it's supposed to be wonderful when you with someone that really cares 'bout you." I hear us exhale, feel my smile, and I say, "I think she also said it can be magical, specially when you talk about it before you do it, because you care about each other and spend time with each other." I feel my little sister and Lauren's hands on my back and hear my sister's voice say, "And he makes your ass feel like you the prettiest fucken girl ever and then, even though it ain't something I'm ever gonna say to anyone but you'll, shit can feel like making love, even if you ain't having sex yet."

And then I hear a slap. I let go of my sister and friends, look over and feel my eyes open, seeing Michelle from here, looking really mad, with a big red mark on her face, and Ashley standing next to a sitting Cairo. And Cairo, just sitting there, not trying to stop them.

I see Michelle lunge herself at Ashley, and feel my eyes open, seeing them on the floor, fighting, well, sort of. A lot of pulling of hair and some slapping, and then that hard slap on Ashley's face, under Michelle, who's straddling her. Oh god, why did Michelle have to wear a skirt today? Well, at least she's wearing boy shorts. That helps.

I feel that warm hand grab me, put my fingers through it, and follow those broad shoulders back to our table, happy, at least today, both of them aren't bothering my bestie or my friends, who I can see are all walking their girlfriends back to our table. I want to laugh at how cute it is that instead of standing around like some of the other guys at this school, watching the fight trying to see if Ashley or Michelle will end up taking off more clothes during the fight, our boyfriends are walking us back to our table, not looking in that direction. I think I'll kiss him after lunch.

I smile seeing him pull me in, so I can slide in through his side, sit down, slide in, and see him slide in after me, feeling that hand on my thigh. God, I hope he doesn't put it close to my inner thigh again. I can't focus when he does that.

Then, I hear Mr. Leon's voice say, "Knew this was a bad idea! Fighting over that! Both of you!"

I look over, see a group of kids around that table and can't see Ashley or Michelle anymore. Then I hear Ashley's voice say, "Go to hell Leon! I'll have what I want! Take her away!"

I feel my eyebrow rise, feel him squeeze my leg, look back down at the table, grab his sandwich, unwrap it for him, give it to him, and move my leg over to be on top of his leg, feeling him put that hand on my inner thigh.

I look back down and keep reading the next paragraph I was on in my book. Though the kaleidoscope. I grab my pen and underline that word. kaleidoscope of industry appeared to offer vast possibilities for workers, African Americans were slotted. I underline that word. into unskilled and service labor.

I hear a voice say, "How much is she paying you Mr. Leon! I'll pay you more!" I exhale and keep reading. Black men filled positions with the railroads; as day workers, they groomed roads, distributed ballast,. Underline that word. and shoveled snow off the tracks.

I hear a voice say, "You can't take me! Do you know who I am! Leon do something!" I exhale, know I can't read until this ends, feel someone staring at me, look up at him, see that beautiful face looking at me, look down at those lips, and see that cute smirk. Was he staring at me while I was reading?

It's Tuesday isn't it? But I really didn't annoy him yesterday so. I feel my smile, move up, kiss those lips, hearing the yelling, feel him kiss me back, maybe because everyone's paying attention to the fight, and exhale, happy he's mine.

I hear someone yell, "I don't care how much money you have Ashley! You're such a slut! Everyone knows you're sleeping with both of them!"

I put my hands on those cheeks, feeling those cheekbones, move up to him, feel that hand go up my thigh, over my stomach, go under my shirt, up my waist, and hug my side. I sit up, suck on that upper lip, and feel him squeeze my side really hard. We are going to our janitor's room after lunch.

I hear Mr. Leon yell, "Hey! That table! You all stop that right now!" I feel my eyebrow rise, feel him pull away, see those dark reds, and hear Ashley's voice say, "You fat ass this isn't over! You can't have both of them! You can't have them! None of you can!"

I exhale, look over and see Ashley red in the face, with Mr. Leon behind her, holding her hands I think, looking in our direction, I think at us. I look around and see my sister and friends are all semi-sitting on their boyfriends' laps, holding them. Were we all making out with our boyfriends?

I feel my smile, see my friends all giggle, and hear someone say, "Go to hell Ashley! My family has a lot of money to so I don't care what you do! And everyone knows you don't even want him! You still want Huey! Hell! You'll probably sleep with anyone at that table! I actually want him and I haven't slept with his friend you whore!

And I hear another slap. I look up, see Michelle lunge herself at Ashley, and see Mr. Ramirez grab her arms and put them behind her. I see him look up at Mr. Leon and hear him say, "Fred grab the other student because this counselor let her go!"

I feel my eyebrow rise and hear Mr. Leon say, "I did no such thing!" I see Mr. Ramirez start walking away holding Michelle, see another security guard grab Ashley, see her eyes get big, and hear her start yelling that Mr. Leon is the only one that can take her in, feeling my other eyebrow rise.

I see Mr. Leon trying to talk to the other security guard and hear Mr. Ramirez's voice say, "Fred, let's go! And don't listen to him! She will be treated like any other student here! Both of them are going to the principal right now!"

I feel my mouth open. I like Mr. Ramirez. Then, I feel that breath in my ear and hear him whisper, "After this break where the government is trying to poison us ends, I want you to sit on my lap and I want to kiss you."

I swallow feeling my cheeks getting warm again, feel my smirk, look back at him, see that red I like so much and only his family has, look back down at those lips, and whisper, "Okay but only if you promise to let me taste you this weekend." I see him lick those lips, hear him swallow, and he says, "Fine."

I feel my smile and then hear Riley's voice say, "Bet stacks we see 'nother hoe fight befor' semester ends." I see that cute smirk, hearing the laughing at our table, giggle, put my head on that broad shoulder, feel his hand come down to my stomach, and stay on my inner thigh.

I look over, see that Riley Freeman smirk looking at Hiro, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear Hiro say, "You're fucken on Riley. And your ass wanna bet stacks, goes up ten a day, we got three more weeks of this fucken school, wells." I look over at Hiro hearing him stop, see him looking over my head, then back down at me with his smirk, and he says, "Wells we got three more weeks but the ones with all them A's only got two." I hear them laugh, feeling my smile and blush, a little embarrassed, knowing if you have at least an A minus in all your classes and your teachers give you permission you don't have to show up for review and finals week, but Huey and I are still going to because some of my teachers told me to show up anyways so other students don't miss school just because they think it's okay and Huey's showing up because that warm brain always shows up and I think because he wants to be here with us, not just to protect me anymore but also because he just wants to be here with his friends. That warm affection brain that's making me blush more squeezing my thigh.

I see Hiro shake his head with that smirk and he says, "Both you'll are nerds man." I hear the table laughing harder, making me laugh, and remembering my book, I look back down at the table to keep reading it.

Then I hear Hiro's voice say, "So, after this week we only got one more week and then that fucked up finals week you'll got here and since this bullshit of a fight happen right now, I know shit ain't happening rest of the week, so we bet last two weeks. What days you got and remember bet goes up ten a day shit don't happen so if you want last day and there ain't no other bullshit fight," and hear Riley cut him off with, "I knows. A bens."

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing I've never heard a real bet before, like a real one. I look up, see Riley looking over the cafeteria, see him nod, look back at Hiro, and he says, "A'ight, I want…"

I feel my smirk, thinking maybe I should also learn how the world works right now, not just history, because I think my mom and that warm brain have said they're both important. So, I close my book, bring my hand down under the table, hold that warm hand, and feel his fingers going through mine. And I kind of know that warm brain is listening to. But we need to feed that warm brain, so listening to them talk, I look back down at the table, see the foil on the table from the sandwich he just ate, grab the next one with those jalapenos, unwrap it, and give it to him. I feel him brush my hand grabbing the sandwich, feel my smile, and hear my friends laughing, looking forward to our janitor's room after lunch.


I feel that hug and hear her say, "Yeah, texted the girls at my old table to tell him that I told him he can throw it down with him but I still don't want my man getting kicked off the football team cuz of him so he needs to stay away or I'ma slap him myself." I laugh and hear her say, "Yeah, you know I can't even say 'I'ma' or 'ain't' ever around my mom and dad and even my sister or they get on me about speaking pro,per,ly?"

I start laughing, put my arm around her shoulders, walking down the hallway, and hear her say, "But talking about pro,per,ly, that was a ghetto ass fight Jazzy. I mean I've seen fights, know I can fight, at least to defend myself if I need to, but those two, damn, cannot fight."

Oh my god. I close my eyes, start laughing harder, and hear her say, "But damn, did you hear? I mean everyone kind of knows she's sleeping with him but I don't think they knew she was sleeping with that other guy he hangs out with to. That's something, I mean, I don't care what she does as long as it's not with my boyfriend, but damn."

I exhale, remembering what Riley said, how sad Ashley's mom is, and I say, "Well, as long as she's doing it because she wants to I guess it's up to her but yeah, I know what you're saying, and I just hope she's smart about what she's doing. I mean even if she doesn't get, you know, pregnant, she could still get an STD so hopefully she's using protection."

I hear her exhale and hear her say, "Jazzy, don't even think about her like that. She's just a bitch." I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Did she do something because I'll go tell her off right now because I don't want you getting in trouble." I hear her giggle and hear her say, "No, don't worry, she hasn't done or said anything to me but she does talk shit and I just don't want you to feel bad for her okay?"

I exhale and say, "Okay Lena but just tell me and I'll slap her." I feel her hug me tighter and hear her say, "Promise it's not about me, at least not things I've heard, but don't ever feel bad for her. She's a bitch and just talks shit but I'll always tell people whenever I hear things that come from her that she's a stupid bitch and I don't wanna know anything she says, specially about my friends."

I exhale, see him standing at the door, leaning there again, and I say, "Lena, if it's about me I promise I don't care, she can say whatever she wants. I just wanna think about people and things that make me happy and she's nowhere in there."

I hear her exhale and hear her say, "Alight Jazzy, but I'll kick her ass to if I ever hear her saying shit in front of me about you or any of my friends okay."

I smile, thinking about how much of a good friend she is, turn to her, hug her, and say into those braids, "Thanks Lena. You make me think about things that make me smile and that's what I need right now." I feel her exhale and hear her say, "I thought you were acting a little weird, quiet, so I knew something was up. Is it about that jerk?"

I exhale, put my face into her shoulder and say, "No, just home stuff, but luckily it's not about anyone that makes me happy, and you're helping me focus on stuff that's fun and high school things and that's a lot easier than that other stuff so just keep doing that okay?"

I feel her exhale and hear her say, "Okay Jazzy, you have my number so text or call if you wanna talk and just know that jerk is looking at you right now and I can't believe that shit when he had two girls fighting over him, so stupid, like he just needs to let you go and let you be happy with your afro."

My afro. Oh my god. I start laughing, feel her hug me tighter, and hear her say, "That's what I wanted to hear. Just think about that afro or your family or your friends when you wanna laugh okay?"

I exhale, nod, feel her let go, see her smirk and start walking down the hallway to her class.

I hear the bell ring, turn around, see him looking at me with clear eyes, remember he's been okay since that day, walk up to the door, hear him say hi, nod at him, and walk in.


I smile, knowing I get to go to the nursing home now and see Mo. I want to tell her about everything I'm leaning in that book. I'm so happy she told me about it. She said it's a college book she read in an African American history class she took. That's so awesome.

I put my pen in my backpack, zip it up, and hear him say my name. I exhale, knowing when it's him that's saying it now.

I look up, see him looking at me, nod, not really wanting to talk to him again, see him exhale, and he says, "I know what you probably thinking 'bout today, but I didn't want that shit."

I inhale, get up, put my backpack over my shoulder, see him look up at me, and he says, "You blaming my ass? I was just sitting there, ain't doing shit, and she comes up, and then," but I cut him off with, "Cairo, it doesn't matter why it started. What matters is that you didn't do anything. You just let them fight over you and now Michelle's missing class because of that. She might even be suspended and you're not even talking about that and how bad that is."

I see him stand up, I exhale, and I say, "I'm not giving you anymore of my energy. I'm done with you."

I see his eyes open, I turn around, feel him grab my wrist, twist out of it, and start walking away.

I get to the door, push it open, and hear someone open it behind me. I hear him next to me, look forward, seeing some of the girls looking at me, and roll my eyes.

I hear him say, "Look Jazmine." I exhale and say, "Cairo, I'm going to meet Huey right now and I don't want anything to happen so stop following me, please."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Look, I didn't even wanna talk 'bout that shit. Just wanna tell your ass, I mean you, wanna tell you, thank you, a'ight."

I feel my lips purse, see that long dark hair from here, and inhale, not knowing he knew I walked this way. And, why do I get such a creepy feeling from him? And, I can't really deal with him, with creepy feelings, right now. I have other things I'm dealing with. Where is he? I exhale, I can do this. I'm more grown up than this.

I hear him say, "Jazmine." I exhale, swallow, looking at that light at the end of the hallway where the staircase is, remembering I'm a strong girl and things always, always, work out, and I say, "I know. You said thank you. Look Cairo, I really can't talk right now, so just," but he cuts me off with, "You scared of his ass?"

I exhale, shake my head, trying to not lie but knowing I need to believe it first, and say, "No."

I see him step up, knowing his going to block my way to the stairs, crack my right wrist, my strong hand, and hear Cairo say, "You want me to fuck 'em up?"

I inhale and say, "No." I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Jazmine, I seen that look a'ight. You scared of his ass, more than you were scared of me back in Chi-Town."

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "I wasn't scared of you Cairo, just mad that you could've started a fight in Aunt Cookie's house and." I see him smirk doing that thing again, looking over my shoulder and looking me up, even though I'm wearing a fuzzy warm sweater and jeans. I inhale and say, "I get this weird feeling that you were just lost back then, really lost, but you're better now, and wouldn't hurt me, even if I don't totally trust you yet, but him, I get this weird feeling that I have to be careful with him, like he will hurt me."

I hear Cairo inhale, I take that last step, making sure to stay far enough away from him, look up, and say, "Let me pass."

I see his smirk get bigger, squint my eyes at him, and I say, "I will hurt you. Let me pass."

I hear Cairo say, "I seen your ass still watching her fucken crazy ass white boy and I'ma fuck you up if your ass don't move." I inhale, not knowing he was still watching me, wondering when and how if I always look around. I see him look over at Cairo, see his eyebrow rise, and he says, "You think just cuz I look white that means I won't fight your ass? I will fuck you up in front of her and all these dumbass girls that think you're something."

Out of corner of my eye I see Cairo step up, feel my eyes open, and I move in and push him back. I look up at him, see Cairo looking down at me, see him exhale looking at me like that again, maybe because I touched him, and feel a little sad, hoping I don't ever lead him on because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He's Huey's first best friend. My Huey. I exhale and say, "Cairo, please, I can defend myself."

I turn around, step up, knowing I'm scared for some weird reason, but I'm not going to show it, look up at Zack, lift my chin, and say, "What do you want Zack? We're not friends, we don't have any classes together, and I want nothing to do with you. You're rude and after what you told me last time I'm never going to date you. So, leave me alone because I can defend myself just fine. So really, just step out of my way and don't come near me again."

I hear Cairo inhale behind me, see Zack smirk, and he says, "I fucked up." I feel my eyebrow rise, nod, and say, "Okay. Let me pass now."

I see him exhale and he says, "Should've started dating you last year, before summer, and then I would've shown you a better time than that fucken," I inhale and cut him off saying, "Don't talk about my boyfriend. He's the best guy I know and I will hurt you for him. Now move or I'll make you move."

I see him smile, not knowing why it's creepy, and he says, "That's what I want, make me."

I open my hip, pull my right hand back, see that afro, that mocha colored hand come down on his shoulder, and see that hand squeeze that shoulder.

I look back up at that face, see him inhale, and hear that voice say, "I will not do it here because there are too many witnesses, but I will beat you, long before you touch her, now leave, and if I see you again looking at her, I will break one of your bones and you will miss the use of that bone."

I inhale, knowing I need to get everyone away from him. I exhale, walk around Zack, see him, walk up to him, and put my hand on his shoulder. I feel him relax and see him let go of Zack's shoulder.

I grab that hand that was holding Zack's shoulder, look back at Zack, see him looking down at me, and wonder why he's like this when I don't remember him at all, not before that day last year. I see him inhale and he says, "It's going to happen Jazmine." I feel him shaking, squeeze his hand, and I say, "No, it's not. It's never gonna happen Zack. And, I'm not trying to be mean but I don't remember you from last year, we weren't friends, so I don't know why you even want to date me, just see other girls, because I'm not going to date you, and more than even that, I have a boyfriend, so leave me alone."

I see him look at me, raise my chin at him, and he says, "We'll see." Then I see him look to the side and walk around us.

I see Cairo standing there, looking at me, see him exhale, and I say, "Thank you for trying to defend me Cairo, really."

I turn to that afro I like so much, see him looking at Cairo, squeeze his hand again, and say, "Bestie, remember important things, Mr. Willis, Mo."

I see him inhale, see him look down at me, see his eyelids come down a little, smile at him, and pull that hand. I see him nod, feel him let go of my hand, and I turn so we can start walking down the hallway towards the stairs, not seeing that dark hair anymore and wondering where he went or if he's that fast. Then, I feel that warm grab my hand, feeling my cheeks getting warm, feeling him put his fingers through mine, knowing all the students are looking, and Huey doesn't like public affection, but he speaks in actions. And I like those hands. So, I hold his hand tighter, and start walking down the hallway.


Am I ever going to stop smelling him? No, I'm not. I inhale and hear him say, "Jazmine." I can't help it and I start giggling. I feel him scoot closer and feel my smile get bigger. I think he likes when I smell him. I hope he does because I think I will always like smelling him. So, I smell him again, and hear him say my name again.

I kiss that back and say, "I'm sorry. But I'm just happy with this week and just how I don't feel as, you know, worried anymore because that man is calling you and Riley every day and you're telling him whatever we want him to know so, everything's okay."

I hear him inhale, feel his temperature rising, and hear him say, "Jazmine, he is still here, in this damn city, and you need to be careful and stop acting like everything is fine when." Oh no, not again. I squirm my hand out, scoot back, pull that broad shoulder back onto the bed, get up, and put my leg over his hips, sitting on him. I see those eyelids come down a little, looking at me, and he says, "I am not always around."

He's thinking about the Zack thing, maybe even Cairo, and that other person I'm trying to not think about too much. My bestie.

I grab those cheeks, go down, kiss those soft lips, and feel those rough hands on my thighs. I pull away, feel something on my head push me back down, and feel his tongue go into my mouth. God.

I taste that tongue with that toothpaste I really, really like, not really knowing why, if we were kissing a little while ago, it still taste that good. But he needs to rest. I know he does.

I pull away, hear him exhale, feel my smirk, and look down at those dark burgundy eyes. I can see how tired they look from that extra training I know he's doing in the mornings. I exhale, hoping those massages help him, and say, "You need to rest bestie, so rest, and please don't think about those people tonight okay? I promise I'll be even more careful, leave every day from class with everyone, like I've been doing since that day, even if he's still walking out with me."

I feel that squeeze on my thighs, feel my small smile, and I say, "I only want you okay." It's not a question, I know I do.

I hear him exhale, feel my smile get bigger, and I say, "And I'm not dumb, if some girl walked out of class with you that I know likes you, even though I'm sure there are a lot of girls that do, I'd be really mad to so believe me, I'm not even talking to him, I just answer questions about class and nothing else, and the good thing is that since Michelle came back the next day he's been okay, like he just walks out with me, walks me until he sees you I think and then I think he leaves to go hang out with Michelle who I know is right behind us. I just wish Michelle and I were okay so I could talk to her while we're walking out so it could feel like it's one group with me and a boyfriend and a girlfriend."

I see that beautiful eyebrow rise and he says, "Why do you assume two people who are having sex with each other, be it idiot teenagers, are in what this society considers a relationship simply because they are having sex with each other?"

I open my mouth, remember that I'm not supposed to compare myself to other girls, us to other couples, and close it. I look to the side and think about this. Wait.

I look back at that face and say, "Wait, I don't know why I didn't think about this until now but if they're still." I exhale, see that smirk, and I say, "Sleeping with each other and he's still sitting with Ashley at lunch, does that mean they, like, share him now?"

I see that eyebrow rise a little bit more. Oh god, really? That's so gross. And how do people do that?

I see that smirk, almost a smile, almost, feel my exhale seeing how beautiful he is and probably doesn't know he is. And what were we talking about? It was probably not that important.

I go down, lick that bottom lip, feel that squeeze on my thighs, feel myself being lifted, feel myself falling, hold those shoulders, blink, and see that face over me. I feel my mouth open, feeling the bed under me, see those eyes looking down at me, and exhale, happy he has such a big bed he can flip me over like that.

I look down at those lips, feel his hand leave my thigh, feel the back of his hand on my cheek, and inhale, knowing he's this affectionate, this warm, when we're alone. And, he holds my hand in public sometimes. And, he's mine. And, I want to take care of him.

I exhale, grab that hand that's on my cheek, kiss his knuckles, hear him exhale, look back at him, smile, and say, "I'm sorry Huey, I shouldn't have done that. I know you're tired and you need to rest. So, let's go to sleep and I want you to sleep in tomorrow, I mean this morning, after I leave with my family and friends okay?"

I see him blink and see that burgundy turning into that darker color that I really like because it's really late and we were talking, spending time with each other, watching movies, researching some stuff online, just being happy today and didn't go to bed until it was late.

I see him exhale and he says, "I want to know if you've had anymore." I see him inhale and hear him say, "Dreams."

I inhale, feel a coldness in my chest, feel the bed moving, feel those hands on my cheeks, see him looking down at me with those wide eyes, and hear that deep voice say, "Jazmine." I inhale and remember my mom's at home, across the street, with Leo, who can fight like the guys, feel that coldness going away, my little sister's upstairs with Riley being hugged by him because she told me this week they do that and I told her we hug at night to, feel the coldness only in the center of my chest, and I'm right here, in this room, full of posters of influential African Americans and revolutionaries like the boy, the man, that's here right now, between my legs, looking at me like I'm the only thing that exists to him, and feel that center of my chest getting warm again. He's always looked at me like that, even when he was making me cry telling me the truth about the world. He's always looked at me like I was special to him. And know, the coldness is gone.

I feel my smile again, exhale, and say, "No bestie, no dreams, not since that one, and that's why I really haven't wanted to think about him unless it's because we need to talk about keeping my mom and sister safe, because, I think, talking about him now makes the dreams come back, even makes me feel a little cold, and even though I know that's as bad as it got, him doing that at night, I still don't wanna have those dreams or feel like that when I think about it."

I see him inhale, see those eyes looking at me, knowing that warm brain is thinking, and I let him think. After a few seconds, I those eyes blink, see him exhale, see him come down, and feel those lips kiss me, closing my eyes, hoping this part where we kiss doesn't ever end. And, I feel that warmth in my chest, thinking maybe it's happiness, like what I feel in my stomach sometimes. Then, I feel him pull away, open my eyes, see him exhale, and hear him say, "If those dreams do come, do not forget what you told me that first day."

I feel my smile, see those tired eyes, and I say, "Okay big hair, I'll talk to you if things come up in my head or if I have more dreams about the last few years but right now let's go to sleep because you need to rest and in a few hours I need to go Christmas shopping with my sister and mom and my friends and Leo, basically everyone but you, Riley, and the guys."

I hear him exhale through that cute nose, go up, kiss it, see that cute smirk on him, looking at me with those tired eyes, and I say, "And we also wanna get my grandma's present now so we can mail it to her and she can have it before Christmas Eve."

I see him inhale and he says, "I need to." I see him stop and see those cheeks getting a little red. Is Huey Freeman blushing, again? He's only done that a couple of times, that I counted, and only when he's given me presents or when he was checking me out or when I caught his face over me and we were doing stuff to each other. Okay, maybe he does blush a lot. I feel that warmth in my stomach, that happiness, hoping I make him blush. I see him exhale and he says, "I need to give you something."

I open my mouth, see him exhale with that blush, reminding me how bashful he can be, feel my smile, and I say, "Okay, what is it bestie?"

I see him look away with that blush, feel a warmness leave me, look down, see him get up from the bed in those dark basketball shorts and that tight white cotton muscle shirt, the moonlight making those muscles stand out, and feel my mouth open. God.

I see him walk over to the TV, see him open the drawer under it, and see him pull out a black rectangular box. I see him close the drawer, walk over the nightstand, turn on the small reading lamp, and see that it's a small laptop.

I look up at him, see him sit down on the edge of the bed, open the laptop, and see that it's already on. I scoot up and feel my eyebrow rise seeing that the only thing on the screen is a black window. It doesn't even need a password to use it.

I hear him say, "This is a basic laptop that I will connect to your cell phone, your mother's, and your sister's so you can facetime." I nod, confused, and say, "Okay, but why bestie, if we can just use our iPhones?" I see him nod and see him look down at the keyboard. I look down at it and feel even more confused seeing that there is no keyboard, just two big buttons, a green one and a blue one, both as big as my hand.

I feel my eyes open and hear myself say, "Is that like a big iPhone for my grandma?" I hear him inhale and hear him say, "That Jazmine head. Yes, it is."

I inhale and hear him say, "The functions are basic, all she has to do is keep it charged, although the battery will last for several weeks if she doesn't use it often. She opens it, presses the green button and the call will go through to your phones. You can decide which one of you will pick up the call and facetime from there. Once the call connects the entire screen will become her way to video chat. When the call is done, the other line, your grandmother, can hang up by either pressing the blue button or closing the laptop, or your line can hang up. All she has to know is the moment she opens the laptop, as long as it's charged, it will wake up from sleep mode, there is no way to turn it off. She opens it, the laptop wakes up from sleep mode, she presses the green button, and the call will be made to all three phones or she can keep the laptop open, whether it's being charged or on sleep mode, press the green…"

I know he's talking because I've heard that monotone voice before. But I can't really hear the rest. I grab the laptop, close it, lean over, put it on the nightstand, push the covers off of me, and hear him say my name. I sit up, scoot over to him, bring my knee into my chest, stretch that leg over his lap, and scoot up to that face, seeing those eyes looking at me. I put my hands on those shoulders, those muscles, and hug his hip with my leg, feeling my calf over that nice butt of his. I feel those muscles in my hands, how strong and soft they feel, see those eyelids go down a little, remember everything he is, everything he will always be, exhale, and slowly put my lips on him, knowing it's Huey and he doesn't like fast movements even when he's relaxed, and close my eyes.

I feel the warmth in those shoulders, knowing his whole body gets warm when he gets warm, feel those hands on my hips, push my tongue into his mouth, hear him inhale, feel those large hands go down to my butt, squeezing it, and feel him stand up. And, feeling myself in the air now I put my other leg around his hip, holding him with both my legs now, happy for all that training because my legs are stronger now. My whole body is stronger now. I'm stronger now. And, feeling that cock right there, between my legs, I put my arms around his shoulders, and start moving over that cock.

I hear him curse with my nickname into my mouth, really, really loud, feel him sit back down, hearing him groan an 'umph,' and then feel that bite on my lip. I start moving slower over that cock because I'm getting really hot and it feels really, really good like this, going slow.

I feel those kisses on my cheek, on my chin, on my neck, smell that oil in his afro he started using after his shower, oil from Morocco that smells like a kind of sweet strong buttery wood, almost like what I think sand smells like, sand in Africa, the sand around those pyramids I want to see one day. I want to see them one day with him.

I exhale, open my eyes, see that hair, thick, like him, bring my hands to that face, to those cheeks, pull that face up, see that pretty auburn I like so much, kiss those lips, putting my tongue inside his mouth looking for my treasure, hearing that groan, and hug those shoulders. I hear him say my nickname, feel those kisses on my lips, that cock on my stomach, give him more kisses, and hear myself tell him, in between those kisses, that I want to go to Africa with him, see those pyramids, because that's where it all started, where he told me and I read that humans started, in Africa, and feel that cock on my stomach move. I feel that shaking, feel those hands on my butt push me into his cock, feel his cock in my inner thigh, rubbing my lips on that side, those silky shorts he's wearing letting me feel how hard it is, knowing everything is wet everywhere right now, as I'm moving over that cock, and hear that really deep voice say that he's right here, he's not going anywhere, and he's not letting me get away.

I pull away, know he said that because I've heard him say that before, see those eyes, go down that beautiful face he doesn't know he has, kiss that chin, smell that soap, go down a little bit more, and kiss that neck everywhere, feeling him shaking. And, tasting that neck, I know it taste like chocolate, a strong milk chocolate, like the color those pyramids probably are in real life, close my eyes, and see it, see those stars covering that night sky, feeling myself kiss that neck, look down, and see those pyramids surrounded by that sand, feeling myself kissing that face. It's so beautiful. I feel that warm sand I'm sitting on, feel those rough hands under my shorts holding my butt, open my eyes, see that face surrounded by those stars, that auburn color in those glossed eyes, knowing for sure, like I know who I am, he got that face from an African royal family. He's so beautiful. And he's my Huey.

I move in towards those soft lips, kiss them, and tell him I love him because I think I have since we were kids and it's the truth and I don't lie. I hear him inhale, feel that air being taken out of my mouth with his inhale, hear him say, "Yes," and feel the tears coming down my face, knowing Huey, knowing he speaks in actions and only a few words because he's still learning how to ask for help. And, there's one word he uses when he wants to say, 'Me to.' He says, 'Yes.' And I feel that squishiness inside my stomach expanding into my body, knowing I've been having an orgasm for a little while now, feel those tears on my face, kiss him as hard as I can, and feel him shaking, feeling that cum on my hip, going down my thigh. So much.

I breathe, remembering how to, kiss those lips one more time, pull away a little, smelling that air he's breathing, and open my eyes. I see those auburn eyes open, see them blink, something that's not so rare for him anymore I think, hear him inhale, and he says, "Jazzy, I don't know if, how, how to, to." I smile, move in, kiss that sweet upper lip, feel him exhale, pull away from him, see him looking at me with those tired eyes, and I say, "I know you through and through Huey and one day you will know all that stuff, the if and how stuff, because at least right now, you trust me a little more, share yourself with me, initiate and plan stuff with me, like going to college together, call me your girlfriend in public, so I know one day you will know, when you trust me a little more okay, but know that I do, I know the if and how stuff, and I." I exhale, feel that happiness in my stomach, and say it, say what's in my heart, "I love you Huey Freeman."

I see him inhale, see those eyes focused on me with that look, the one he's had when I've acted weird, told him he looked like his dad, needed me to tell him he had permission to be sad, and made him a special dish, and feel him shaking at the same time. I see those eyes blink again, know he's thinking, hope he trust me, believes me that I don't lie, see him exhale, see that smile, forgetting how to breathe again, and hear him say, "Yes." I inhale, knowing if that's all I ever get, believing me and then him saying 'Yes,' then that word 'Yes' is the best word ever because he's saying he believes and loves me to, even if he's still trying to figure out the if and how stuff.

I smile and say, "Okay, now let's put you to sleep bestie because you." I exhale, feel my cheeks getting warm, see that beautiful eyebrow rise, and I say, "Let me taste you earlier today, came that time, and then it happened again right now, and I now you were already tired, so you need to rest."

I see him exhale, see him look down at my lips I think, and hear him say, "Fine, but before we go to sleep I want to feel content and do what you call 'cuddle' and when you're done at that horrible and crowded place I want to see you and I get to ask for those things today."

I smile, kiss him, and say over those lips, "Yes."


Okay. Last year I'm Christmas shopping. I laugh, put my arms around my sister, hear her laugh, and hear that sweet deep voice say, "Sissy you's can't be tired. Only been here like five hours and only took care of grandma and the guys. Shit, we still gotta least look for the girls, snooping 'round seeing if they say they like some'ng."

I laugh some more, happy, really, really happy, and know I'm not going to think about anything but my sister, mom, Leo, our friends, and my Huey. My Huey and how he said 'Yes.' He said 'Yes.' And I really don't need more than that. Because he trust me, I don't need as much as I used to when I was little, clothes, shoes, electronics, because I'm not lonely anymore, everyone knows everything, I can talk to my friends about anything, I have the best sister in the world, I have everything I need and everything I want, my mom is happy with Leo who I can see from here is making her laugh in the food court, I can feel how happy my sister is with how cuddly she is with me now, I can see our friends giggling at their bags with the presents they got their family and boyfriends, and there's no reason to ever stop laughing, because I have more than I have ever had.

I hear my sister's voice say, "Jazzy boo, mama's coming." I look up, see our mom walking to us, smile at how pretty she is, and hear Ming say, "You do see how many fucken guys be looking at your mama? Damn, least don't look when she's my man's uncle or there might be a real fight."

I start laughing, hear them laughing, hear her light footsteps in those black and white checkered vans, and hear that voice say, "Okay loves, how about I go with Ming and Lauren back to the car to drop off some of those bags, and." I look up at her, feel my smile seeing that long ponytail, and know that I want to trim it a little but it's just so pretty at that length. I see her smile at us and she says, "And you two go have a talk with that man that keeps saying if any boys that keep looking at you decide to talk to any of you they're going to have to face him first."

I feel my eyebrow rise, hear them laughing, and start giggling at how cute Leo is. Oh my god.

I feel my sister grab my hand, feel her pull me, and hear her say, "A'ight mama but be back soon cuz we still gotta go to the second floor and shit." I laugh at how much she really has cleaned up her language, but I still love everything about her.

As we walk up to him, I see that smile, that dark skin and dark eyes, and wonder if he has kids. I feel my eyebrow rise, thinking about how we really don't know very much about Leo. I smile, knowing one day we will.

We finally get to him, see him smirk at us, and he says, "Sit down you two before I have to remind some boys here that you have a father figure that will put them in their place because you two look like a ten year old version of her and they should not be looking at you like that."

I feel my mouth open, look at my sister, see her smiling at me with that blush, knowing Leo just said we both look like our mom, and smile, hoping one day I can call him pops without it being weird.

I see her look back at him, see her sit down, and I sit down next to her. I look back at Leo, see him exhale, see that nice fade, that smile, that goatee he has now, and know that a lot of women look at him but all I see is just how nice he is and how much he makes my mom smile.

Then, I hear my sister say, "A'ight pops, you can put 'em in their place and all that but we gonna throw it down with those ugly ass mama's and their ugly hoe'sh daughters that keep looking at you cuz we knows our mama can't get in trouble cuz of her being a lawyer and all that."

I see him smile, hear him start laughing, can't help it and start laughing, and hear myself say, "My sister's right Leo, they look way too much, and it's kind of gross because you're like our." I stop myself, see him exhale, and he says, "Don't worry about that girls because at the end of the day what matters is that I'm extremely fortunate to have your mother pick me."

I feel my smile, see him exhale with that big smile, and he says, "But I do have a question to ask of you two." I feel my eyebrow rise and hear my sister say, "Yeah, we won't tell her you asked. Get her pajamas and she happy like a clam. She just is, just like that, just happy, and you knows, the best mama ever."

I giggle and exhale, knowing my sister's right and she'll be happy with anything. I see him smile at my sister and feel my eyebrow rise seeing some girls a few tables down, maybe in their twenties, looking over here, at Leo.

I blink, feel myself squint at them, see them roll their eyes, and see them start talking again. I hear my sister's voice say, "Wanna fuck 'em up sis?"

I exhale and say, "A little." I hear that hearty laugh again, look back at Leo, see him smile at us and he says, "Like I said girls, don't worry about any of that. When you get older you'll understand why a man, especially at my age, could never want anything but a woman, a woman like your mother."

I feel my smile and want to say 'okay pops' but I'm not sure if he'll be okay with that because I've only called him that once and it was kind of an accident. I exhale. Maybe one day I'll call him that again.

I see him exhale, see him look down at the table, and I hear him say, "The question I wanted to ask was not about a Christmas present for your mother but rather about asking you if I could continue to see her."

I feel my eyes open, see him look up, and I say, "Why?" I see him smile at me and he says, "Because although we don't necessary live in that world anymore with online dating available and those things you kids use to meet people, like Facebook or any of those other platforms, I was still raised to ask a close member of the family, whether that was a parent or relative, someone that cared for or knew that woman well, if we did get close, if I could continue seeing her from that point on."

Oh my god. That's where they all get it from. Leo. I hear my sister's voice say, "I knows you didn't raise 'em all but how you make all the guys like you, all you knows, decent and respectful and shit, wells, cuz we ain't hoes and all."

I laugh and hear him laugh. I hear him exhale, look up at him, and he says, "Well, I did try to instill some values in my nephew, who I was also fortunate enough to raise with my sister before she decided to go to Jamaica to take care of our mother, being as good hearted as she is. And so, I do hope some of those values I instilled in my nephew somehow found their way to his friends and of course I do hope that now that I am in closer proximity to his friends I continue trying to raise them in a way where they learn to respect all women, regardless of any woman's choices in life."

I exhale, wondering how much of good uncle he is, see him look down, and hear him say, "But, I do understand, especially with a woman like Sarah, not just because of her accomplishments but more specifically because of the kind of woman she is, that I must ask and will only move forward with her if the two closest people to her, her daughters, allow me to do so. And, if things do move forward I will be meeting your grandmother when she's feeling better."

I feel my mouth open, see him look up, see him inhale, and he says, "But before you consider that, I want you to know about me, who I am, and why, if I am, worthy of your mother."

I know my mouth is open but I don't know what to say and hear my sister's voice say, "So how we do this pops? You telling us 'bout your life, cuz we gots time, or you write it down for us and we can read it, like one of those essays I hate doing in school?"

I start laughing, loving her so much, and hear him say, "I think that would require a lot more time than we have today and I haven't actually sat down and written my autobiography just yet so how about we start with questions, any questions you have, and I will answer them with full disclosure, hiding nothing."

I feel my eyes open, see him, how he actually looks like he's my mom's age, a really handsome darker with darker eyes Caesar, but different, like you can tell they come from the same family, but are different from each other. And, I can see some scars on his head that I think I couldn't see before this new fade, but really I only see them because we're this close. And, he almost looks like an actor. He's actually really handsome. I wonder why he's not married. How old is he?

I exhale and say, "How old are you?" I see him smile, feel myself get happy seeing him smile, and he says, "Forty seven." Good age for my mom. I hear my sister say, "You got a middle name?" I see him smile at my sister and he says, "My full name is Leonardo Daveed Montclair."

Daveed. That sounds so pretty. I hear my sister say, "You French?" I start laughing, hear him laugh, and hear him say, "No, but I'm sure there's some French in my ancestry seeing as many did settle on the islands."

I exhale and say, "Were you born there?" I see him look at me with that smile and he says, "Yes, the entire family, which consisted of my sister, our mother, and myself migrated to the states when I was about three, have been a citizen since my mother became one, before certain laws were put in place preventing children to automatically become citizens when their parents did, and settled in Chicago where my sister and I grew up."

I feel my lips purse and say, "Was it hard there? In Chicago." I see him exhale, see him look down, and he says, "Only if you looked for it, the trouble, the people, the associations." I hear my sister say, "Were you in a gang pops?"

I feel my mouth open, look at my sister, and can't help but smile, with how cute she said it, and hear Leo laughing. I look over at him, see him shake his head, see him look up with that big smile looking at my sister, and he says, "As a teenager I did associate with some of those groups, stayed in it for far too long, long enough I found out they were never there to help me but rather keep me there, in that place."

In that place, races. I exhale and ask, "Do you think that maybe, it wasn't just that group, that gang, that was keeping you there, but other things, like." I see him smirk at me, see him nod, and he says, "Yes, there are always other forces in play, money, bad schooling, but some of my friends did make it out, some did not, and so, it's also about how much you want it, how much you fight for it, and my grades and SAT scores were high enough that I was accepted to various universities but." I see him exhale, see him smile, see him look down, and he says, "My family needed me at the time, they needed me to work. Our mother was recovering from a surgery to remove the last remnants of the cancer, my sister had to stay at home to take care of her and couldn't continue working, and my grandmother and a cousin, who had just had a child, needed financial help. More specifically, our grandmother who had helped raised us all needed her medications to live comfortably at her age, our mother's medical bills were piling up, and there was a niece in Jamaica born to an irresponsible father that would need food and clothing her mother would have trouble providing with not being able to work having to stay home to take care of her daughter, and knew those things, all of them, were more important than any of my plans. And so, I decided to not go to the university, stayed, started working, left those associations behind, the gang that knew I had done enough for them to have a say in getting out and being able to still live there, saw some of my friends get out by going to colleges, universities, knowing they could not come back because of that gang, and too many more friends that did not leave it, stayed in it for many reasons, and who are all either in prison for life or dead at this point."

I inhale, see him look up at me with a small smile, and he says, "But even for those friends that had it worse than I did growing up, going from house to house, there was always a possibility to get out of that life, even for them, by studying harder, staying in the school library doing homework, reading, until the school turned off the lights and then going home or staying with us, like my mother offered them many times, because although we didn't have much of anything, we had food and a safe place to sleep."

I feel my smile, hearing that gratitude, like I heard in my bestie when he talked about living with Grandad and Aunt Cookie when he was little. I see him exhale and he says, "So yes, it was hard, but we also add to that life by not taking the chances offered to us when they are offered because we find that that life is an easier option sometimes, or at least far more familiar."

I exhale and hear my sister say, "You got kids?" I feel my eyes open, look at my sister, see that serious look on that pretty face, and know to not interrupt her. I look back at Leo, see him smile, see him look down, and hear him say, "I had one."

I feel my eyebrow rise and hear my sister say, "Where they at?" I see him exhale and he says, "In Jamaica with my mother." I open my mouth to ask and he says, "Her ashes are." I hear my little sister's inhale, knowing I inhaled at the same time, see him look up at us, see that small smile again, and he says, "I'm glad you asked because it's always a topic that's hard to bring up when people start talking about kids and how it is that I don't have any. So it's always difficult to tell them I did have a child when I was younger." I hear my sister say, "I didn't mean," see Leo smile at her and he says, "I believe if she would've lived she would've had your personality, necessary for the kind of neighborhood she would've grown up in, but she was an oddity." I see him look at me and he says, "Because she had olive-tinted skin and dark gold ringlets and her eyes mingled between blue and brown."

I ask, "Was her mom mix?" I see him nod with that small smile and he says, "She was, had just moved here from Cuba and her family was mix with African and Spanish blood."

I hear my sister say, "How she, you knows." I see him look back at my sister, see him nod with that small smile, and he says, "She was six and a half months old when her mother called me to tell me she couldn't wake her." I see him inhale and he says, "By then we had been having enough problems that it was best to live separately. I would take Louise half of the week and she would take her the other half, although I remember that half of the week when she was gone feeling worried every second of the day." I see him exhale, see him look down, and he says, "I asked her if she had called the ambulance and she said she couldn't because the police could show up and would possibly search her family's house."

I feel my forehead scrunch, see him inhale, and he says, "So, I hung up, called the ambulance, and then drove to her house, knowing the police didn't show up for half an hour at best to that neighborhood and assumed the ambulance would be no better. I drove onto the sidewalk, seeing no ambulance on the way there, knocked down the front door, walked in to Louise's grandmother crying and her grandfather trying to hide the last of the merchandise they were planning on selling, walked up those stairs to their room, knocked the door down after her mother wouldn't open it, saw her, Louise's mother, that woman, trying to hide the last of what she had hidden in the bedroom she shared with our daughter, walked up to the small basket, picked up that small warm bundle, remember feeling her lighter, knowing something was missing, something that weight some, something small and bright, something that mattered, put her back in that small basket, picked it up, left that room, knowing that would be the last I would ever see of that woman, walked down the stairs, saw her grandfather pointing that shot gun at me, heard her grandmother crying, and walked out."

I see him exhale and he says, "I drove through every red light that night, knowing what was in that basket, knowing my Louise was gone, and knowing if I so happen to get in a car accident on the way to the hospital at least I would be with my daughter. But, I did get to the hospital, walked in with that basket, gave her over to that nurse, saw her open the basket, and saw that look on her face."

I inhale, feel my little sister holding my hand, see him inhale, and he says, "After that nurse came back she asked me what happened. I told her. She said I should've waited for the ambulance, as I saw the paramedics walking in through the front door of that emergency room, after I had been there for an hour, and asked that nurse if knowing in what neighborhood her mother lived, how long it took the ambulance to get there because of its reputation, how I got to her house in less than five minutes and made it to the hospital, after I drove there through every red light, every stop sign, in less than six excruciating minutes, the longest six minutes of life, if she really thought I should've waited, or if as a father I did the right thing."

I see him behind the blurriness and hear him say, "They said it was lack of oxygen." I feel that small hand holding my hand tighter and hear him say, "I stayed with that thought, that regret that I knew better, I knew what her mother's family was doing and although I could count on her grandmother taking care of her, her mother would rather spend her time counting the pounds, the money, the ammunition that was necessary to run that kind of business, than check on her daughter to make sure she was sleeping in a position she could actually breathe in."

I exhale, not seeing him anymore because of the blurriness, and hear him say, "After that, I believe she moved back to Cuba, possibly, but by then I didn't care. I was somewhat lost and could only function at work, at home, helping take care of my nephew, my mother, my sister who I could focus on because of her own problems. And I did that for years, trying to not think about that regret of what I could've done differently, knowing I could've taken her, kept her, and she would be alive, with that small soul, would be a girl that I would have to tell to not swear as much as she wants to because she would probably be just like I was as a teenager, and she would teach me what it is to be a father to a teenage girl that has boys asking her out on dates that I would never approve of but I would for her, to make her happy, and would probably force me to go to the mall with her to either embarrass me or force me to buy her things she has too much of but I would do it all because she's my daughter and deserves it all and right now, she might even be here, asking you two for advise on school and sports because she would be a little younger than you two at thirteen and perfect, because daughters are perfect, whereas sons are exceptional, daughters don't have to try, they just are."

I inhale, exhale, remember all those times I thought my grades, me not asking for stuff, me being a good girl, and just not saying anything because he was my dad, would fix it. But it's not like that. I didn't have to fix anything by getting good grades, being a good girl, because some dads think daughters are perfect. And I want a dad. I want a real dad that thinks like that, a real dad that does stuff for us, like going to eat vegetarian food because he wants to try it and brings us home records to listen to so we can learn about music we've never heard, like we do on weekdays. The stuff he does. And, I want a dad that goes with us to the mall and lets us embarrass him hugging him.

I get up, see him look up at me with those dark eyes that remind me of my mom's North Star eyes, grab the chair next to him, push it up, and sit down, squirming myself under his arm. I hear his laugh, feel him hug my shoulder, smell that Hugo Boss cologne, feeling really safe, and blink the tears away. I don't see my sister, hear a chair move, look over, and see her under his other arm, her face in his chest with those tears I can see on the side of her face. My little sister. She wants a dad to.

I close my eyes and put my face on his chest. I hear him exhale and hear him say, "My Louise is gone. It took years for me to accept that and I will never look for her in any other child, but in some way I feel like you two help in keeping her soul from leaving me completely, and if that's all I ever receive from you two, than it's more than I thought I would ever have again."

I exhale, bring my legs up into my chest, lean them on this side, getting into a ball, feeling really, really safe, and I say, "Can I call you pops and it not be weird, please?"

I hear him exhale, feel his hand holding my shoulder, and hear him say, "I was hoping it would start after that first time, like the little one that's shaking under my other arm right now." I giggle, hear that giggle from my little sister, and hear him say, "But I understand there is someone for you and I didn't want to overstep," but I cut him off with, "I'm scared of him and I don't know why."

I hear them inhale with me, not knowing why I just said that but knowing it's the truth. I hear Leo exhale and hear him say, "Jazzy, there are always reasons why we feel scared, sometimes they're so deep within us that we don't know why until it's in front of us and all we can do is understand that that fear does not own us and we need to look at it, know that, and voice it. Then, we can face it and recover from the events that lead to that fear. But in the meantime," I hear him inhale, feel that kiss on my head, feel my smile, hear him kiss my sister's head, and hear him say, "Do not dwell on those things, take it five minutes at a time if you need to, every five minutes, both of you, knowing you both went through your pain, whether it's the loneliness that comes from feeling that no one loves us, like some of my friends felt when their parents were out on the street selling, buying, not caring that their son was a home with nothing to eat but a piece of bread, not because of lack of money but because those parents hadn't bothered to buy anything else, and their son was going to sleep alone, again, in a home that was big and scary, and quiet, with those thoughts of not being loved."

I hear her inhale, grab her small hand that's on top of his chest, and hear him say, "Or the feeling that we're still trying to figure where it is that fear comes from, the fear we feel at times, know it's there, and it will come up when we're ready to face it, when the fear is in front of us, and we're strong enough to face it, because we are strong enough to go through anything, especially you two, because daughters are perfect."

I hear myself say, "You're that best pops over," hug him, hearing my little sister sniffling, and hear a voice say, "I thought so."

I inhale, look over my shoulder, and see a lady I've never seen. I feel my eyebrow rise, see that she's probably older, like maybe a little older than my mom, blonde, blue eyes, a round face, pretty, with a little too much blush I think, and she's wearing a long pink dress that stops at her knees and hugs her body showing she's a little big, remembering Mrs. Winters said that's not very healthy because it can lead to a lot of problems when we get older. And, I feel my other eyebrow rise seeing how much that dress is showing in the front. It's okay, she can dress like that with heels, but maybe for a party, not at the mall. I mean Aunt Cookie's right, the floor at the mall is hard and you can only walk on it for a few hours before your feet start to hurt a little even if you're wearing converse with insoles and comfy jeans and a sweater because of the air conditioning.

I hear Leo's voice say, "Do you need help because I'm a little busy with my girls right now?" I feel my smile and blush, really liking him saying that, see her inhale with that look, almost like she's looking down at us, and she says, "They aren't yours."

I exhale and hear my sister say, "And how you know hoe? You were there in the delivery room when we came out of our mama and our pops took us to school the first day?" I start laughing, put my feet down on the floor, get comfortable under that safe arm, look at her, and say, "You probably think Jesus was white to huh?"

I see her inhale, squint her eyes at me, and she says, "He said you probably talked back now because you stopped being a good girl when he left but he doesn't know you have this attitude to."

I inhale, feel that arm on my shoulders bring me in, feeling my knees coming into my chest, and hear Leo's voice say, "I suggest you leave right now before I call the police to tell them your harassing my teenage girls."

I see her exhale and feel my eyebrow rise seeing her look at Leo, and then look him up. Really? I exhale, not remembering why I was scared, and say, "Do not look at him like that. He's our pops and we will defend him and beat you."

I see her look back at me, see her inhale, and she says, "Stop talking, you're just property, and that is not your father so stop acting like it, you belong to Tom and," and see that small, strong hand come up and backhand her.

No. I look over at my sister, see her looking down at the woman who's being way too hysterical about being backhanded crying on the floor, and I put my feet down and stand up. I see my sister move up and I step up and hug her.

I feel shaking and hear her say, "I will fuck you up! You don't talk to my sister like that! And, she belongs to me and mom and anyone she wants and not that fucker who never gonna touch her cuz I'll kill him and I'll." I put my head on her shoulder, holding her, and say, "Sissy, I'm okay, and he's never gonna touch anyone of us. And anything that lady says doesn't matter because I belong to you and mom okay."

I feel that big warm shadow, look up, see Leo standing between us and that lady, and hear someone say, "Are you okay ma'am? Did he hurt you?"

I inhale and hear my mom's voice from somewhere say, "If you are going to automatically assume my boyfriend did anything to her because she's laying there on the floor when she looks completely fine and is acting like a mad woman I want to see the evidence for your assumption."

I feel that small hand squeeze my arm, let go of my sister, and walk around Leo with her. I see Lauren and Ming with my mom and feel my little sister on my side with Leo on my other side, feeling safe. I look down, see that lady again, see her look at me, squint her eyes at me, and she says, "I could probably have him to myself by now with taking care of him and letting him have anything he wants, anything in every possible way." I feel my eyebrow rise and hear Ming's voice say, "That shit's nasty lady. We don't wanna know what you two be doing. That's just gross."

I snicker, see her stand up, and see her slap the security guard's hand away. I exhale, see her look over at my mom, see her inhale, stand up straight, pushing up her chest up, and she says, "But he won't let you go, you or her." I see her look over at me and she says, "His baby Jazmine."

I inhale and feel that warm arm around my shoulders, smelling that cologne. I see her look over at Leo and hear my mom say, "Look at him or my daughters one more time and I will file a lawsuit in the next hour that will take every penny you have in that inheritance to fight or pay off."

I see her eyes get big, wondering if he told her how good my mom is in court, and see her look over at my mom. I see her inhale, see her raise her chin, and she says, "You're not that beautiful, you really are not. I don't see what he sees in you, why he obsesses over you and your damn name." I feel my eyebrow rise, see her exhale, and she says, "Or how somehow only the daughter you had with him will have the qualities she does when I could give him a child just as beautiful and brilliant, passed you and her."

I exhale not liking her saying anything's better, passed, my mom, and hear my sister say, "Hoe you knows you just said ma mama ain't that beautiful, which means you think she at least kind of beautiful, and that you'd give that lazy pussy ass a kid that's least as brilliant and whatnot as ma sis, so you at least think ma sis brilliant, so you ain't making any sense and you all fucked in the head." I hear our friends snicker and exhale, feeling better hearing all of their voices.

I see that lady raise her chin, stick out her chest more I think, seeing those blue eyes looking at my mom, and she says, "It seems you're all not surprised to know he's here, possibly because that man he hired double crossed him but what can you expect from people like that."

I hear my mom inhale and hear her say, "Yes, we're aware he's here, we also know where you're staying, where he works, where your money is coming from, and the fact that, as highly as you speak about what you give him, you two have not had any actual contact in that regard for some time."

I see her eyes get big and feel my eyes get big. I didn't know we knew all that.

I see her getting red and hear my mom say, "And now that you know this, it's up to you if you want to tell him everything we know, but know that the tactics we used to get this information will be used every single time you move locations, so it's up to you if you want to move to a new hotel, use different rented cars, and spend even more money on that because we will keep finding out where you are, what you're doing, and how to box you."

I see her exhale, see her squint her eyes at my mom, and she says, "Even if we're not legally committed that information should stay between us and so I will ask you to stop monitoring our private moments."

Oh wow. Gross. I hear my mom exhale and hear her say, "Fine, as long as you stay in the same location, do not change the rented cars, or anything else, we will stop monitoring your room."

I didn't know we were watching their room. How? I see her exhale, see her nod, and she says, "But I cannot stop him from what he does and I won't. And really I don't care. If he watches you all twenty four hours a day I don't care as long as he comes home to me but I will be telling him you know he's here and how that dirty homeless probably double crossed him, as I would rather." I see her inhale and she says, "Avoid an argument when he finds out that today happened."

I exhale, feeling weird about this lady, see her inhale and she says, "I hope to never see you again."

I see her turn around, bump into the security guard who I think was being nosey and just standing there, hear him apologize, and watch her walk around him and towards the stairs. And, I just realized something. My mom's really pretty, like really fit and pretty, and all she does is eat good and run a little. Wow. I hope I get that from her.

I see that pretty face step in front of me, smile at her, see her eyes water, and she says, "Baby I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I feel my eyes water, step out of that safe arm, hug my mom, and say, "Mommy I promise I'm okay, I promise. I'm happy. I have you and my sister and Huey and everyone and now I even have a pop's."

I hear her laughing into my hair, feel those arms around my shoulder smelling that coconut lotion and hear her say, "I love you mommy and sissy." I inhale, know everything always works out, feel a chin over my head, a hard chest on my arm, those big arms hugging us, and hear him say, "Remember you're all strong enough for this, for anything, because Sarahs and daughters are perfect."

I laugh. Oh my god. I'm really happy God, Santa, Black Jesus, so please help me keep knowing things work out, always. Then I feel another set of arms on each one of my sides, smell that vanilla and lavender lotion and hear Ming say, "Been itching to try those new moves. Damn. Was 'bout to." I hear us all laughing and hear Lauren's voice say, "Don't worry Mimi's. As the guys say, lots of satas to try them out."

Oh my god. I start laughing harder and know, for sure, no matter what, things always work out.


That was a lot. But I know I can't focus either because I'm tired because I really didn't sleep last night. Those thoughts came back. After seeing that lady at the mall, they came back. Those dreams. That coldness. I inhale. No. Focus on something else. Okay, class. So Ms. Reed is talking about ghettos and how they can be imaginary but they can also be real.

I exhale, knowing I'm going to have to read it all over again tonight. It's okay. I can maybe look it up online. And I'll focus on that for now. Yeah. Focus Jazmine. Focus on school.

I inhale, put my pen and notebook in my backpack, and hear him say, "You a'ight?" I look up, nod, and say, "Yeah, just a little confused, but I'll be fine." I get up, but my backpack over my shoulder, turn around, and say, "I'll see you tomorrow Cairo."

I see that brown hair, feeling my smile coming back, knowing this is what I need to think about, this is what I want to think about, walk towards her, hug her from behind, tell her I'll see her tomorrow, look over, see him smile at me, and I say, "I'll see you tomorrow Johnny." I see him nod with that smile and can't help but be happy for them. Yes, focus on school and friends.

I walk around them, say bye to Ms. Reed, see her smile at me, push the door open, and start walking down the hallway.

I hear him next to me and hear him say, "What part you don't get?" I feel my smirk, knowing maybe Black Jesus really wants me to focus on school, look over at him, see him looking at me, look forward again, exhale, remembering what we learned in class, and I say, "I guess I get that she means the ghetto is real, that's easy to see because it's there with bad amenities and the government not putting money into it and I get that people in other places in the world live in really bad places, their own kind of ghettos, but what I don't understand is how does people living in the ghetto connect them to those other people that live in other places in the world in their own ghettos and how does their imagination and music and movies help?"

I exhale, seeing he's not there again, knowing I'm not as stressed because I haven't seen him since that day, but right now I can't think about him either.

I hear him inhale and hear him say, "Ever listen to rap? You know, black music and shit?" I feel my eyebrow rise, feel my happiness thinking about all those times, look over at him, see him looking at me with his eyebrow raised, and I say, "Between my half-brother and my sister I've listened to a lot of rap and I've even seen some of those movies Ms. Reed was talking about, like Boyz n the Hood."

I see him look confused and he says, "You got a brother?" I snicker, hear him exhale, look forward, not seeing that afro at the staircase, feeling my smile go away, and I say, "Yeah. Riley."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "A'ight, wells, the teacher means that. Like, people using music, movies, to show other people, in other ghettos, how the ghetto is here. Other people in, I 'on't know, China or some shit, see Boyz n the Hood, listen to dumb shit they say in rap or reggae 'bout knowing how bad the ghetto is here, and think, imagine it and shit, they know just cuz of some dumb movie they saw how it really is here and even think it's like where they live."

I feel my eyes open, feel my small smile, look over at him, see him inhale looking at me, and I say, "That makes a lot of sense. Thanks Cairo."

I look forward, getting to the staircase, and stop. Where is he? I see him take that step back up to me, look at me, and he says, "I'ma walk you 'til we see one of your girls."

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Cairo, I'm fine and," but he cuts me off exhaling and he says, "Jazmine, don't be like that a'ight. Look, some fucken psychotic shit be following your ass. Just let me walk you a'ight just 'til we see one of your girls."

I exhale and say, "Look Cairo, I haven't seen him since that day and I'm sure Huey's coming so it's." I see him inhale, feel my eyes open, knowing he's been nice lately and even helpful in class, and he says, "I know. And I ain't asking for more, just wanna walk you 'til we see one of your girls."

I inhale and say, "Or we see Huey?" I see him look away and nod. I exhale, feeling my tiredness, hoping I remember to drink some tea when I get to the nursing home because I don't want the residents to notice I'm tired, and say, "Okay and thanks Cairo." I see him look back at me, see him exhale, almost like he's relieved, but I'm sure I'm imagining it.

I walk up to the staircase, hoping I see that afro I like so much or one of my friends soon because I really want to be around people that make me laugh and happy and I feel safe with and I can put my head on their shoulder. And I kind of want to cuddle with him to.

And, going down the stairs I see that afro at the bottom floor, feel my inhale, and I feel a little less tired, just like during lunch and then right before he dropped me off at my fourth period. I see those reds look up at me, the bags under those eyes, and exhale, knowing he stayed up late last night to do research on that thing I don't want to think about even if I told him not to. I inhale, knowing I'm going to give him a massage and make sure he sleeps tonight. And, seeing him put his phone down, I wonder who he was talking to, and remember my phone was vibrating during class but I haven't checked it because I've just been really forgetful today. I hear Cairo stop talking, hear an inhale, and see those reds, that I just noticed because of the sunshine hitting them, are a little too light right now, almost like he's really, really tired to, look over at Cairo.

I take that last step down, see how tall he is, feeling my small smile become a real one, and look over at Cairo. I see him looking at me and I say, "Thank you again Cairo and thanks for explaining it to me." I see him exhale, see him nod, remember that look, and feel sad, not knowing how I won't hurt his feelings when he's this pushy and he's actually being nice.

I see him look at Huey and he says, "Fucken crazy ass white boy waits for her after class and I'ma walk her 'til I knows she's a'ight."

I inhale, confused because I haven't seen him since that day, and wonder why I'm so careless. I'm already being forgetful today and now I'm being careless to. Why? I can't be careless right now. And where is he? Where does he hide in school? And I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of them. I can't let them worry about me. I start looking around the hallway, seeing students passing us, knowing I can defend myself, I can fight, I can. I'll fight him. I feel those hands on my shoulders, look back at him, see those light burgundy eyes, too light for this time of the day, and hear him say my name. I feel my small smile, nod, and say, "I'm fine bestie. I promise." Even though I can feel myself shaking. Even though I want them to not worry about me and I need to take care of them. But too much is happening right now and I still need to be strong.

I see him inhale, see him stand up straight, see him look over at Cairo and he says, "Why the fuck you think I haven't told her? You think I like keeping shit from her and telling her only when it suits me or because I know she has some training and right now has other things she needs to focus on?"

I hear Cairo inhale, put my hand on that warm hand on my shoulder, and I say, "Bestie." I see those light burgundies look back at me, see that squinty look, know he's trying to figure something out, know something's wrong, and I say, "Let's go so you can tell me."

I look back at Cairo, see him inhale, and he says, "Jazmine, I wasn't sure but I kinda knew you going through shit and I didn't mean to," but I cut him off knowing we need to go and say, "Cairo, it's okay and please don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay. And thank you for helping with the imaginary part."

I look back at those eyes, feel my smile coming back seeing how beautiful he is, see him exhale, and I say, "Everything works out okay. Let's go so you can tell me."

I see him exhale, hoping he believes me, feel him grab my hand, and feel my eyes open and my cheeks getting warm, knowing he's doing this again, holding my hand in public. And then, I exhale, knowing this is what I'll think about for the next five minutes, him holding my hand, putting my fingers through his, and no matter what it is, whatever's happening cannot be that bad. Right Black Jesus?


I exhale, remembering the meditating I've been doing when I wake up on time, blink, see those pretty baby blue eyes, how red they look, feel my small smile, and I say, "Mama I'm fine. What do I have to do?"

I see her exhale, see Leo put his arm around her shoulders, see her give me a small pretty smile, and she says, "You don't have to do anything baby. No one does. I'll make sure he doesn't get near you two."

I exhale, feeling my sister's small hand in my right hand, and hear her sweet deep voice say, "He ain't having her. I'll kill him." I inhale, look over at her, see her looking down with those tears on her face, lean over, close my eyes, and kiss her head, feeling her squeeze my hand. I open my eyes, lean back, see that mocha colored hand on her shoulder, look up and see Riley looking at me over her head.

I exhale, feeling that tiredness in my body, and see that worried look on his face, reminding me of that one time we were walking to the locker room and I think I remember now, he also had that look when I was in the hospital that time, that time Tom came looking for me, like now. I feel my small smile, seeing how cute he still is to me, like my little half-brother, and feel that hand on my back, that strong hand that's a little warmer than normal right now and I know he's trying to keep cool, covering my upper back, like he's trying to protect it.

I inhale, know I'm stronger than this, I have to be, even if I'm tired, I have to be strong, because they are all strong. I exhale, look back at those pretty baby blue eyes, and I say, "No. I'm not letting my little sister get in trouble doing anything to him and I'm not letting you get in trouble doing anything bad mom. And even though I know it's not always good and puts a lot of innocent people in jail, I want to trust the law, trust that things will be okay, that whatever the judge says we need to do will be okay and nothing bad will happen."

And then I feel that warm hand on my back getting hot, too hot, hear him inhale, and hear him say, "She can be in Chicago by tomorrow morning and Louisiana the next day and stay there until she turns eighteen. There's a flight leaving in five hours." I feel my eyes open, look over at him, see those eyes looking at the table with that look, that look I don't like seeing on him, because I think it breaks my heart now, now that I know so much more about him, and hear Riley say, "You'll should go so you ain't separated from family."

I inhale, look over at Riley, feel that small hand hold me tighter, almost a little painful, and see him looking down at my sister with that sad look. I open my mouth to tell them to think about this and hear my little sister's voice say, "I ain't letting you go alone. I'ma go with you tonight."

I feel that hand leave my back, look over at him, see him walking to the door, and hear him say, "Good, I'll get the second ticket."

I feel eyes open, forgetting that I'm tired because it doesn't matter, and say, "Huey no, I'm not, I'm not just leaving, I'm not," see him stop, holding the doorknob, see him exhale, see him look back me with that squinty look, that stiff chin, and he says, "Jazmine, if you make me, I will drag you to the airport, kicking and screaming, but you will get on that damn plane. Do you understand that?"

I feel my eyes squint, knowing he's being stubborn like he has been since we left school and he's scared. He's scared. He's scared. I exhale and say, quietly, "Huey, I'm not leaving, not after how hard my mom and sister worked at making our life like this, not just because he wants to get half custody, I'm," and hear that voice cut me off with, "I think it's a good idea."

I feel my eyes open as big as they ever have, forgetting what I was going to say right now, look back at my mom, see her exhale, looking at the table, with that long pretty messy hair, and hear her say, "I can fight it here and tell Judge Banks you're both studying in another state right now to expand your high school extracurricular activities for college purposes and I can't possibly bring you back and disrupt your studies. And I'm sure no matter how much money that woman has they won't be able to fight me forever claiming he has some right simply because he's your father and wants to be part of your life, turning himself in to show good faith saying he wasn't emotionally well when he sent that letter to the judge, knowing no one, not one person, even the current judge, believes that but the process is giving him this option, this option that shouldn't be available to him, where he could get to you. And I have friends, enough friends, acquaintances. I'll call Joe and ask him if he'll help because he shouldn't have this option to get to you. I'll do anything. I don't care, I'll," I see her inhale, see her shoulders shaking, seeing my eyes get blurry, and hear her say, "I'll do anything and I won't let him touch you, I won't." I hear her inhale, hear her crying, and hear her say, "I don't want him to have you alone, that lunatic, not after knowing what he is, I should've protected you, I'll protect you now, I'll, I'll."

I can't see her anymore because of the blurriness but I can her hear. The crying that's hurting me because it's my mom. And all I can do is close my eyes. So I close them, hearing her crying, not wanting this, not wanting to make her cry like that anymore. Not wanting to make her cry ever. I don't want that. I don't. Breathe, breathe Jazmine, the sand, the pyramids, my happy place, the place I go to when I meditate. The night sky with those stars, that soap, that hand on my shoulder, and that voice saying he's here and he's not going anywhere and he'll be in Louisiana in one month.

I inhale, open my eyes, not seeing anything because of the blurriness, feel that hand on my shoulder, look over at him, feeling my little sister squeezing my hand, hearing Leo's warm voice telling my mom to calm down, and see those burgundy eyes looking at me, knowing he just said that.

I exhale, blink, feeling the tears going down my face, see him, that face I know by heart, feel my small smile, and say, "But if you go to you'll leave Grandad and Riley and the guys alone and I'm not leaving." I see him exhale with those cute pursed lips, feeling my smile. And, he said the women in my family are strong. I exhale, knowing for sure they are, look over at my mom, see her nodding with Leo saying something to her in her ear, and hear her say, "That could work, that could work. Oh god, why didn't I think of that? That could work."

I feel my eyebrow rise, see her look up at Leo, and see her kiss him, feeling my smile. I see her look back me and I inhale seeing her face. She's always loved me so much. I see her smile and she says, "We can tell Judge Banks that because of the first case where he threatened the judge we want a psychological evaluation before he's allowed to go any further with this case. That's standard practice if it's called for and of course that might show he's unstable enough to not be allowed near you and to have any right to you but."

I see her stop, see her look down, and hear Leo say, "That's all I could find with such short notice, I didn't look into the process though, what would be the problem?"

I feel my smile hearing him, knowing he cares about us to. I feel that hand on my shoulder go down to my back, feeling it at that normal temperature, hear him sit down, and I exhale, feeling my happiness coming back, thinking he's okay.

I see my mom look up, see her pursed lips, those tears on her cheeks, and she says, "The problem is he's being civil now. Even with the first case pending, he turned himself in, of course being released immediately through his office, but the fact that he did turn himself in with a pending case shows the judge he is willing to cooperate, which is one of the reasons they have to work with him. And in order to meet that requirement, ordering a psychological evaluation, if there is cooperation by that party there would have to be some event, not just a pending case, but a recent situation that would require a need for an evaluation, to assess their instability, to fit the criteria. That's also why Lieutenant Saunders couldn't take action, had to watch him at a distance, waiting for an occurrence, an event to show instability or at least the need for police interference, hopefully through some illegal action on his part, and, in that, ask him for his identification and arrest him for having a warrant, but wasn't able to catch him doing anything."

I hear Riley say, "He won't do shit out there, you'll knows he won't even speed. He only thinks he got balls when it 'bout females, damn pussy."

I feel that hand on my back and exhale, knowing only some men are like that.

I hear my mom say, "That's very true." I feel my smile and start giggling, hearing my little sister giggling with me, feeling that energy coming back through my little sister's hand I think, and knowing mom and Riley can always make us laugh, no matter what's happening.

I see my mom look at us with that pretty smile and hear my sister say, "How 'bout Riles and I find his ass and beat him so hard we leave him looking like the crazy pussy he is?"

I look over at my sister and say, "Sissy, I don't want you near him." I see her look at me with those pursed lips and she says, "We gotta fuck him up sis or just make him look crazy, you knows, make some'ng happen, some event and then we knows he won't pass that test after and then he gotta leave our little family the fuck alone."

I exhale and say, "Maybe if I just asked him the questions I've been thinking about and just let him answer them I could show the judge he is really crazy."

I hear them all say, 'No!,' feel my eyes open, and look around at them. I hear them all start telling me how unstable he is, how small I am and shouldn't be around him, all those books and plant food and I don't see anything, how much I'm there only sister and they'll kill him, and how they'll drag me onto that plane tonight. I look down at the table, feeling that energy from them, that love, and feel my small smile, knowing they all care about me so much. I'm so lucky. And since they all care about me so much, maybe I can just say it and see what they think.

I exhale and say, quietly, "I wasn't serious when I said it but." I hear them all stop, I exhale, and say, "But I think, for him to do all that stuff, turn himself in yesterday, probably right after that lady told him about what happened at the mall, even though he knew that other case is still pending, and today asking the judge to get half custody of me, not asking for full custody anymore, and even saying he wants to see me, getting all of this done so fast just because his job said they need him and their asking that everything is done faster than normal, all of this stuff he's doing just kind of shows he's, you know, trying to just get anything, so." I exhale and say, "All of it just feels like he's being careless, not thinking things through, just trying to get anything right now. Maybe he's just so lost right now, knowing we know he's here and we don't wanna see him, that even if I do meet him anywhere, somewhere where it's safe, where maybe you all are there, close by, I don't know, maybe I can take Huey's sword with me, that." I feel that squeeze on my back, feel my smile, and say, "That I can just talk to him and record whatever he says so that we can show the judge that he's not okay, maybe that can be the event to make the judge want to give him that test, and then we can also show the judge that we're trying to cooperate by letting him see me and talk to me. And if I do meet him and he does try to." I exhale, remember who I am, and say, "Do anything, you'll," I hear her inhale, look up at those baby blue eyes, seeing them water, feeling that small hand I'm holding hold me so tight I can feel how scared she is, and that hand on my back getting still and cold, really cold, knowing I have to make sure they're all okay, I have to take care of them, and I say, "You'll be right there, close by, so I can call and you can come, but even with that, I kind of would want to do it where even he feels scared of doing anything bad, but I don't know where that would be, like if there's a place he would be scared of doing anything bad because he could get in trouble and still feel okay enough to talk to me, hopefully enough that he forgets where he is and just talks."

I exhale seeing those watery baby blue eyes, smile at her, and look down at the table, knowing if I see her cry again, I'll cry to. And, seeing that table, that table where we all eat sometimes, rubbing that small hand I'm holding, feeling that hand protecting my back, I put my other hand on his knee, wanting to draw those spider webs on that strong knee. But, feeling that hand on my back start moving up and down, her small hand rubbing my hand, feeling my small smile, thinking about what I just said, that kind of place where he's scared to do anything bad but he would still feel okay enough to talk to me, that place doesn't exist, and I start feeling a little hopeless. And, not wanting to tell them, not wanting to make them cry or feel scared anymore, even if I'm scared and don't really know why yet, I start thinking maybe I should start praying again, maybe tonight. I exhale. God, Santa, and Black Jesus, if you're listening, because I know you are, please help. Please.

I hear an exhale and hear Riley's voice say, "He still gotta be scared of the pen cuz you'll know he only been in jail for some hours but the police the only one that can put him there."

I inhale, look over at him, feel my smile get a little bigger seeing him looking at my sister's head, knowing people don't know how super smart he really is, and hear that monotone voice say a little quieter than I'm used to, "Sarah, about that Lieutenant."

I exhale, look down at the table again, that warm brown table that we got after he moved out, where we all eat and laugh and my bestie puts that warm hand on my leg sometimes, that table where my mom, my sister, and me are going to keep eating together for as long as we want, feel my smile, my real smile, can't help the tears, the happy tears, and hear my mom's warm voice, "Yes Huey, that could work."

I exhale, knowing there's a plan, a real plan, and we're going to be keep eating together at this table, this warm brown table. Thank you Black Jesus and whoever else is listening. Then, I feel that pinch on my back, inhale, and hear him say, "You're taking my katana."

Oh god, what did I agree to again?


Breathe, breathe, the wind, the smell of buttery wood, the feel of that warm sand I'm sitting on, the cool night air, the quietness of being here, knowing if I open my eyes I'll see the stars, the pyramids. I open my eyes, feel my smile, seeing those stars, those pyramids, look down, see those long legs sticking out on each one of my sides, and I giggle. I inhale, smelling it, being here in my happy place, feel that strong chin on my shoulder, and hear my phone vibrate.

I open my eyes, look down at my phone, see the text, and nod. I can do this. I can create the event, show the judge. I have to.

I hear the door open, see Lieutenant Saunders walk in, and feel my smile. He was always nice those times he came to the house for barbecues when I was little. I see him nod at me, nod back, see him open the door behind him, and I inhale.

I feel my eyes water. I can't do this. I can't. Why am I here? Breathe. The pyramids. The pyramids.

I see those eyes look at me, hear something, turn to the Lieutenant, and hear him ask me if I'm okay. I smile, nod, and say, "Yes sir," trying to not lie but knowing I need to believe it first.

I hear him say, "Okay Jazmine. You remember what we talked about?" I nod, trying to remember, see him smile, and he says, "Okay, if not, just know you're safe." I inhale, nod, trying to believe him, but not knowing if I do. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? Where's my family and my best friend? Why am I thinking about his sword?

I see Lieutenant Saunders look back out the door and I hear him say, "You may come in Mr. Dubois. Please remember the time you have been allotted."

You're strong Jazmine. You are. That's why you're here. And you can go through anything. I exhale, turn back to the door, see him looking at the Lieutenant, see him smile at him, and hear that voice say, "Of course Lieutenant I'm just happy to spend time with my baby." I inhale, feeling that coldness in my chest, the one from the last few weeks that I get whenever I think about those dreams, about him. It's so cold. What was I just thinking?

And, seeing it in slow motion, I see him step into the room. I inhale, feel the coldness in my chest expand, seeing him under the light, see him turn to me, feel that coldness get to my feet, and see him take another step closer to me. Why am I this cold? So cold. And why I am remembering waking up to those eyes right now? Those eyes. But trying to remember when I would wake up to them, I know one thing for sure, that coldness, I know that coldness in my chest is not coldness, it's fear. I thought it was coldness, but really it's fear. But why so much of it? So much fear. I can hear the Lieutenant talking about how the recording in this room works to give families privacy. But why so much fear? Why am I this scared? Why? And when did I wake up to him looking at me like that? When I was little? When I was older? When? When? I can hear him saying something about the sound in this room but I can't hear what he's saying. Why am I this scared? And why is something telling me it doesn't matter why I'm this scared and I just need to get away from him? I need to get away. I need to get up. Right now. Get up Jazmine. Walk out. Leave. Go to Chicago, Louisiana, anywhere, Ohio, just go. Get up. Get up.

I hear a door close somewhere and want to scream for whoever just closed it to not go, to come back and get me. Those eyes. Waking up to them. Get up. Get up. Get out. Get out Jazmine! Why can't I move!

I see him smile at me, see him take those steps towards me, around the table, hear him call me that again, his 'baby Jazmine', and remember a warm voice telling me to take it five minutes or maybe five seconds at a time, not remembering anything else the warm voice said, but knowing right now I have to take it five seconds at a time, and feel the coldness, the fear, leave my legs, my strong legs.

I feel the back of my chair hit the wall and feel my inhale.

I see him stop and feel my fists up and ready with my right arm in that thirty degree angle and my left arm covering my stomach, shaking, feeling the chair under me, a chair I can throw. I can also throw the table. I'm aware of how strong I am, aware my whole body's stronger, aware I'm stronger, because I'm the most aware girl he knows, I'm her Jazzy boo, her oldest baby, his 'big ass forehead' Jazzy, his cutie pie, perfect because I'm someone's daughter, and feel the shaking going away. I exhale. Focus Jazmine. Focus on your strengths, not the coldness, not the fear.

I inhale and say, "Don't call me that." I see him inhale, see that smile go away, and see him squint his eyes at me, his daughter. No. I'm my mom's daughter, my mom, who he treated like that, who he made cry, knowing I won't ever know how much she cried, how bad the bruises, the pain, really was because she probably hid a lot of that from me because she loves me, and feel the anger, the real anger inside of me, that anger that's bigger than any coldness and any fear, and say, "I stopped being that a long time ago."

I see him take another step, remember my mom, and I say, "Stop." I see him inhale and he says, "I'm allowed one hug."

I exhale, feeling the shaking going away, and say, "No." I see him exhale, see him stand up straight, raise his chin, remember he is tall, but not as tall as any of the guys or Leo, and I've trained with the guys. I exhale, see him inhale, and he says, "What happened to my baby?"

I inhale, remember my strengths, all that training, the guys talking about 'bluffing' when they weren't sure they could win a fight, how that's what my mom did on Sunday telling that lady we knew so much and it worked. I exhale, put my ankle over my knee, keeping my fists on my knees, just in case, and hear myself say the truth with, "Her dad was abusive, her mom kicked him out, and now she wants nothing to do with him."

I see his eyes get big, see him take another step, and I say, "Stop!" I see him stop, see him inhale, remember where my friends are, my family, and exhale, knowing I'm fine, because they're right here, with me.

I see him exhale, see him inhale, and he says, "I want my baby and my wife back and I'll have them. Now be a good girl and give me a hug."

I exhale and say, "Before you touch me I'll throw this chair at you and keep hitting you with it until you're unconscious."

I see him exhale, see him squint his eyes at me, see him smile, and he says, "Why don't we talk?" I inhale, think he might really be crazy, crack my wrists, and now if the judge gives him anything I'm leaving for Louisiana.

I see him turn, grab a chair, feeling my eyebrow rise, see him put it in front of me, too close to me, where he can touch me, and I get up, backing up into the corner, the corner I could use to jump from. I see him inhale looking at me.

I exhale and say, "If you wanna talk, you sit across the table, if not, I leave and you will never see me again because I'll leave the country." We'll all go to Africa.

I see his eyebrows lower and he says, "You think I'll let you leave Jazmine?"

I exhale and say, "You have no say in me or my mom or my family's happiness and you don't get to decide that stuff."

I see him exhale, remember I'm a fighter, lift my chin, see him smile, knowing he is crazy, he has to be, and he says, "Okay Jazmine. I'll sit over there and let's talk."

I exhale, remembering it's only half an hour, only half an hour. I think it's been five minutes. And, I can end it early. I can.

I see him turn, walk back to the other side of the room, and see him sit down. I inhale, walk back to the chair I was sitting in, not turning away from him as I'm walking, see him exhale, mad I think, and I sit down, not moving the chair away from the wall.

I see him smile again, hoping I didn't get that craziness from him because at least biologically we are related, and he says, "Why don't you tell me what you've been doing this last year that I know has been horrible for all of us?"

I inhale, knowing he's hiding the way he really is, and say the truth with, "It's been the best year so far of my life where I've seen everyone I love be the happiest they've been in a long time and." I see him exhale, seeing the niceness going away, and I say, "Why do wanna know how my life has been when all I am is a slut that gets caught messing around in school and blames it on others?"

I see his eyebrows lower, see I'm already starting to get to him, remembering I need to get to him. And, I want to end this so I can leave and hug them. But how? What did we talk about? Those questions. Those questions we talked about last night. I can do this. I can get to him.

I see him open his mouth and I say, "Why did you go to New York?" I see his eyes get big, see him inhale, see him exhale, see his eyebrows lower, and he says, "How much do you and your mother know?"

I exhale and say, "So much we're sure you won't win." I see him exhale, see him smirk, making me feel nervous, and he says, "How about we all go there when we're living together again, next week?"

I swallow, remember the guys talking, how bluffing works, smirk back, and say, "Will we stay with Frances or somewhere else?"

I see him exhale, see him look to the side, and he says, "That woman doesn't matter. She's nothing. Only you and your mother matter. Don't ask about her."

I exhale and say, "But she wants to give you a baby Tom so she's important." I see him look back at me with big eyes, see him inhale, and he says, "Do not call me that, I am your father, and I only want you. Do you understand that young lady or do I need to remind you who I am and how I own you and your mother?"

I inhale, not liking him talking about my mom like that, like she's nothing, and say, "You don't own my mom, you never did, and you will never own me, Tom."

I see him inhale, see him exhale, see him smirk in a such a creepy way, feeling myself shaking, seeing those eyes, that I feel that coldness in my chest again. Your strengths Jazmine. Remember them. Bluff! Anything! Say anything! Those fights they had!

I smile and say, "But why do you wanna own us when we're just like them, like all of them, those people that don't pay you enough?"

I see him inhale, remember how much he hurt my mom, and know he's wrong, he's wrong about everything. And I'm going to get to him. That's why I'm here, to get to him, so I'm going to do it.

I see him smile, feeling that nervousness, and he says, "And how the hell would you know about any of that Jazmine, my sweet Jazmine, if you look just as white as she does, just with some." I see him stop, feeling my eyebrow rise, see him swallow, and he says, "Additions."

I inhale, feeling like throwing up for some reason, exhale, feeling that anger coming back at what he just said, and say, "Do you know what it was like for me? Going to school and being told I didn't look white enough? That I would never be white enough because I didn't look like the other girls? That I look like all those animals? Those stupid names and coming home to ask my dad if he could talk to me about that stuff he knew about, about my black culture because he was completely black and." And I feel my eyes open, hearing his fist hit the table, and hear my cell phone move.

I exhale, feeling that nervousness going away, knowing I am getting to him, see him no longer smiling, just staring at me with lowered eyebrows, and he says, "You don't know anything Jazmine. You don't know what it's like to be part of that world where you are always passed on for assignment on cases, prestigious cases, because you're black, only because you're black, with some bullshit excuse that you get to work late and don't show up to court dates, knowing who those cases will be assigned to, where the pay will be going, just because they are white. That is how that world works. And the hell do they know, any of them, about showing up to work on time, when you know they get there in one of their more acceptable cars, knowing they leave the imported ones at home, in their mansion that's five times bigger than my house, where they left their wife who will be out there being the trophy whore she is, tempting other men, showing them what they can't have, at those volunteer services and their children's school promoting their successful white husband, making them look even richer and…"

I exhale, hearing him talk, knowing he is crazy, really crazy, and my mom's always been right. My mom who's really strong. I exhale and I say, "You don't know anything and you're just so selfish."

I see him inhale, feel my exhale, and I say, "And really I didn't know how much you didn't know or how selfish you really were until right now." I exhale, see him lower his chin looking at me and I say, "You wanna blame other people because of how your life is, fine, but don't blame them when you show up to work late and then don't go to court dates when even I know how important that is because clients think you're gonna be there to defend them. And then thinking you know everything about people, just because they're white. I have white friends that don't have a lot of money, don't live in mansions, just normal houses, and have just enough, like us. And we only have enough because my mom is a woman that works really hard at her job and doesn't talk about how much she's paid, just works because I'm sure she thinks she gets paid enough because she can take care of us with that money. She doesn't talk about how she's a minority in that business, is talked down to, and told she's probably not even that experienced and a bunch of other things. And she doesn't come home after all that stuff mad at us because she doesn't get paid a lot, just happy because she can pay for our stuff, our clothes, can take care of us, and just keeps working really hard and not blaming other people just because they don't pay her enough or treat her like that. She just works harder and isn't selfish, wanting stuff other people have and then blaming others when she doesn't get that stuff, like you."

I see him exhale and he says, "Jazmine," but I cut him off because I'm not done and say, "And why do you keep blaming everything on the same thing when I know, I know black men that don't let that get to them, they don't, they don't let discrimination stop them from working hard, taking care of their families, being good to them, starting businesses to be successful, and being great dads and." And I inhale, hearing the hit on the table, harder this time. I exhale, see him look up at me with that look, and know I have gotten to him because I'm a strong girl. I inhale. That's why I'm here meeting with him after we talked about it last night, to show the judge we want to cooperate to and let him meet with me. But more important than that, I'm here to get to him, to create an event, a reason for that test. I need to show that he's crazy and he needs that test. I need to push him. Push him. Push him with the truth!

I inhale and say, "And I know black men that are proud, so proud to be who they are because they are black, determined, good men that are willing to save innocent people, save a girl whose dad was supposed to save her from child labor and he did it instead, a man that's willing to protect his friends, a man that's going to change the world with his brother, and I'm going help because he's my best friend, and he's proud of who he is because he's black, and the best person in." And hear that yell, "Jazmine!"

I inhale, remembering that voice, that yell, those nights, that voice, and exhale. Focus Jazmine. My family. My phone.

I look back down at the table, see my phone, can't see the time but know that's enough. That has to be enough. Right? He yelled and he's angry. And I don't want to be here. That yell. Her crying. Those sounds from their bedroom. I don't want to be here. I don't want to remember anything. I don't want to be here.

I stand up, knowing I need to go, I need to get out of here, and hear that yell, "Jazmine sit down now!" I inhale and feel the tears in my eyes. What was I just thinking? Where's my mom?

I feel the seat under me. When did I sit down? I feel my inhale and the tears on my cheeks. When did I start crying? Why am I crying? How long have I been here?

I exhale. The pyramids, that sand, that sand that smells like oil from Morocco. Huey. That voice saying something about never turning my back on enemies. I can't see. I wipe the tears away, see him again, see him smiling, feeling that coldness in my body, all of my body, and he says, "Let's not talk about that anymore baby," and I inhale and say, "Don't please."

I wanted that to sound stronger but I feel really small right now.

I exhale and see him squint at me. I swallow and I say, "Don't call me that or." I exhale, remember I prayed this morning for the first time in a long time, knowing I'm stronger than this, stronger than he thinks, I know that, I have to be, and say clearer and stronger, "I will walk out of this room and I promise, I promise on whatever God you think exists Tom, even though Black Jesus is the only real one, you will never see me again, never."

I see him exhale with that smile and he says, "Jazmine, you, both of you are never going to leave me."

I inhale, remember she's my mom, my sister's mom, how strong they are, remember I belong to them, and I say, "We already did."

I see him stand up, hearing the chair fall back, feel my inhale, and he says, "But don't you miss us being a family Jazmine? Spending time together?"

I exhale, feeling confused, not knowing what we're talking about now, what he's saying, knowing we were just talking about how not proud he is, how he blames other people, and right now I think he's asking me if I miss us being in a family, spending time together. I feel lost. So lost. I exhale. Take it five seconds at a time and things will always work out. I swallow and I say, "No Tom I don't miss being in a family or spending time with you."

I see him exhale, see him smirk, seeing my eyes water again, and he says, "But you do miss it Jazmine, you miss our family because I took care of you and your mother and you miss how I took care of you, because you knew no one would ever live with you two but me and I would be the only man that would sleep there and that you would ever call father and she would ever call husband. That is how it has been this entire time and it will stay that way. Because I will always take care of you, making sure you're safe, day and night, knowing boys, men, look at you and her, and I will never let them touch you."

No boys will ever touch you my baby Jazmine.

I inhale, blink, wanting to get swallowed up by anything, the earth, the sky, outer space, anything to not be here, remembering it, remembering what he's talking about, why I'm scared of him, why I've been scared of him since I was ten, and hear myself say, "Is that why you tried going into my room at night? To check if there were boys in there when I was wasn't even a teenager? Why, at ten, I had to learn to put that chair under the doorknob when I would hear it turn? Why I remember now, right now, sometimes when mom wasn't home, I would wake up from my nap and you were there, in my bed, hugging me, sometimes with your shirt off or in just your underwear, hearing you say no boys would ever touch me? Did you do that, say those things, because you were taking care of me Tom? Because you were making sure boys, men, wouldn't try touching me, in my own room, in my own bed?"

I blink, not feeling anything now, not cold, nothing, see him exhale, see him smile, and he says, "You're my Jazmine, she's my Sarah, and I need to keep you safe, always, by being in that house, and yes, checking your bed every night, and later, it will be easier for all of us when I have you both, in my bed, making sure you're always safe, because if I don't do that, you'll become a gold-digger of a slut fucking any white man, in any way he wants it, for money. And in two years and two months, when you become an adult and you're still clean, my pure Jazmine, because I took care of you, made sure no boys were ever in your bed, and waited until you were an adult to be the only man you and your mother would ever need, because I made sure to keep you pure until you were at that age when the law can't stop me from making sure you're safe in my bed, safe from those white predators that want you, the savage nigger that lives on that street, then we'll really be happy, I'll stop drinking because I won't worry knowing I'm the only man you and her will ever be with, and the law can't stop that because you'll be a consenting adult, so next week we'll be moving to Utah and…"

I blink, knowing he is crazy and I want to scream and go deep into the earth, where it's warm and where no one will ever find me, knowing if the judge gives him anything, I am leaving to Chicago and then Louisiana with my little sister, and my friends and family can visit, and I'll make Huey stay here so he can take care of Grandad and Riley and him and Riley can visit us or we'll meet them in Chicago and spend our vacations there, where we can keep visiting DuSable and any other places he wants to go to, where I can keep sleeping in that living room with my hand in his hair. That warm brain. My afro. My bestie.

I hear him talking, saying things I don't want to hear, feeling that nothingness in my whole body, and a numbness in my chest. And, I can also feel my heart trying to beat, how small it feels, trying to beat in the middle of that big numbness, maybe trying to make it go away, my small heart that's trying to beat right now, my heart that told him I loved him, and hear myself say, "My Huey." I hear him stop, see him inhale, see his eyes get big, and he says, "Jazmine, you will never be with anyone or that damn ni…"

I blink, hearing him say those things, feeling my small heart beating with all the big numbness around it, the strong beat, how strong it is because it loves people, how much stronger than him, and my heart doesn't care what he says, if he gets angrier, and if he stays angry forever, it just cares about loving people and he's not part of that group. And I want to hug those people and I'm done.

I exhale and say, "Thank you for telling me all of that stuff Tom." I see him stop, see him exhale, see his eyebrows lower, see him open his mouth, and I cut him off with, "Thank you for telling me that because before today, I knew I was a virgin because I've always known, but I wasn't sure until right now about the other stuff because of those dreams. Now I know with how crazy you really are, you never touched me, because you wanted to keep me pure. Because I'm your baby Jazmine and I'm supposed to stay pure until I'm an adult and then stay in your bed so you can keep taking care of me, be the only one that ever takes care of me, right?"

I see him inhale, see him look down at my sweater I think, looking angry and maybe frustrated, feeling like I want to die knowing he's looking at my sweater, knowing he's looking at any part of me, and remember those five seconds at a time and that Hugo Boss cologne.

I inhale, blink, feel the tears going down my face, feeling that slow beat of my heart, that strong beat that loves people, remembering someone I'm starting to love because of how safe I feel under his arm saying I'm perfect because I'm someone's daughter, and I say, "I want to tell you everything you are, how really, really, really, dumb you are Tom." I see him look up at my face, see him inhale, and I say, "But my mom is trying to raise me and my sister to not be rude to anyone, even when they can't take no for an answer or are just crazy so." I exhale, stand up, inhale, feeling my eyes get big, not knowing how I stood up, when the nothingness, that numb feeling, left my legs, my body, but maybe it left because I just talked about my mom, how she's trying to raise us, how perfect I am because that safe arm thinks daughters are perfect, and my Huey, my Huey, and my heart that loves them all and loves so many more people, and maybe because I'm stronger than I think and I can go through anything. I can go through anything.

I inhale, feel my legs start walking towards the table, see him look down at my body, close my mouth to stop myself from throwing up, remember the smell of that cologne real dads use, exhale, get to the table, and grab my phone, putting my thumb on it to open it, and pressing send right away.

I look back at him, put my phone in my pocket, and say, "I'll just tell you one last thing Tom." I see him look back up at my face, I inhale, feeling my strength coming back, that strength that comes from all the women in my family, my friends, and an afro I'm going to see soon, and say, "Even if the judge gives you half custody, which I know is not gonna happen because my mom is who she is, I'll be long gone in another country before you get close to me."

I see him shaking, see him exhale, and he says, "Jazmine, stop being such a bad," I exhale and I say, "A bad girl, a slut, a gold-digger? What Tom? Because I'm all those things or I'm gonna be those things even though I've only had one boyfriend, the one that's been my best friend since I was ten, who I know doesn't care about money, is the best guy in the world, and if I can get into all the colleges he gets into I know we'll stay together for a long, long time and keep planning stuff with our friends and family and as long as I can have all of that, you can call me anything you want because I won't hear it."

I see him inhale and he says, "I said no one's having you Jazmine because you're mine, you will always be mine, and I'm taking you home." I feel my eyes get big seeing it in slow motion, seeing him start walking around the table. Your strengths Jazmine. Remember your strengths! Move! I look down, grab the chair, and hear the doorknob being turned. I feel my exhale, feel the tears going down my face, drop the chair, run around the other side of the table, and out of the corner of my eye see him turn, and know he's going to get to the door before me. No. Please. Please don't let him touch me. Please, please, please. Black Jesus, please.

I hear the yelling behind the door about the code, see him pass the door, take that step up and stretch his hand out to grab me, to touch me, feeling that dumb fear in my chest, that dumb, stupid fear that I'm stronger than, and pray that god I know loves me is watching when I see that hand coming towards my face, push my stomach out, feel that bend in my lower back, see the ceiling, those bright lights, that hand moving over my face, see the backwall, bring my hands up, stretch them out, touch the floor with my palms facing me, kick off the floor with my strong right foot, feel my strong thighs come up, bend my knees, feel both bent legs over me, hearing him step back and inhale, knowing he doesn't know how strong and flexible I am after all that training, bring my legs down into my stomach, feel my shoes touch the floor, and hear him yell for me stay still. I kick off with my foot, feel my hands crawling on the floor, inhale, feel my feet moving, the air in my face, run, run, so far, so far, those wide burgundy eyes with that look on his face, that door wide open, knowing I'm going to kiss him so much if Black Jesus lets me, feel like screaming of happiness passing that arm into the brightness, and feel a strong arm go down my back, shutting something out. I feel my eyes squint with the brightness, see her, and run into that chest, putting my face in it. I feel the dizziness, hear the shouting, feel my lungs hurting, everything hurting, my heart hurting, and feel my lungs cry like they've never cried before.

I feel those arms I've known my whole life hug me so tight I can't breathe, wanting her to hug me harder, hearing her call me her baby, and telling me how much she loves me, and hear myself tell her I never want to see him or that room again, never, and I know I'm strong but I want to go home. I feel those arms pulling me away, feel my legs moving with her, letting my heart cry into my mommy's chest, and pray for tea and kisses.


I feel my head lean back, feel that hand in my hair, knowing it's just a matter of time before I kill him, but right now that small hand in my hair is making me feel too relaxed, again. Damn it.

I exhale and hear that voice say, "Bestie, you okay?"

I exhale longer, hear that giggle, and feel myself relax onto the side of her mother's bed. She doesn't seem worried now. Good. I'll still kill him.

I feel the bed move and hear that voice say, "Pops do you have any more of this kind of music?" I feel my eyebrow rise, hear Leo laugh, and hear him say, "John Coltrane is a kind of music I suppose. What I can do is bring more of his later music but I'm surprised this is the first time you've heard this."

I exhale, continue reading, and hear that voice say, "I think I did hear this song once because I remember I really liked it. Bestie, does Grandad have this record?" I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "He does but with how disorganized he is it could take several weeks to find it."

I hear them laugh, hearing that laugh, her laugh, and feel my exhale, knowing she doesn't sound nearly as she did yesterday when she couldn't fucken talk for an entire half day. I'm going to kill him. I just need her to stop drawing on me so I can leave her house. Damn it. And I have to actually willingly want to leave it. Fuck. When did it become this difficult to not want to make sure she's fine, to protect her and anyone she cares about to make sure she doesn't feel an ounce of the fucken tidal wave of pain she felt yesterday? And more importantly, why didn't I break that steel door down? And most important, why did they stop me from killing him?

I hear that voice whisper in my ear, "Calm down bestie. I'm okay today. I promise." I inhale, knowing we're around people, but even then, I just want to keep her in here, safe, and not do anything, just make sure she's statistically, empirically, factually, safe.

I exhale and hear that voice say, "I think I'll make more tea for everyone." I feel that hand going down my head, grab it, and say, "Jazmine," and hear my brother say, "Nah Jazzy, C-Murph and me make some more. You'll stay."

I exhale, hear her thank him, let go of that small hand, and feel that hand start with those shapes, a heart first. I exhale, look back down at the book where I left off, and continue reading about family law, something I never considered as my specialty, the complications that come with situations like the one we're dealing with, and just how children, including teenagers, are considered tools, property to be taken back and forth from owner to owner, hardly considering their mental stability unless of course the teenager does something, like tries to hurt themselves or others, and then the process is about who is to blame, rather than how a stable home where one parent visits instead of having the teenager going back and forth like a piece of clothing is best for them. And then of course there's the fucken despicable imbeciles like the one that I'm going to kill, the reason she wouldn't, possibly couldn't, talk all of yesterday after we got home, just came into her mother's room, laid down, and went to sleep with her mother and sister, not waking up until today, while my brother, myself and Leo made sure that fucken imbecile that's going to die didn't somehow show up here, that fucken disgusting piece of. Damn. I feel that hand on my neck, those soft fingers massaging those stiff muscles, and hear that voice say, "Relax bestie. Everything's okay. Please." I exhale, that optimism, so unrealistic, feel myself do as she asked, hear her thank me, and continue reading, seeing how much our legal system cares about nothing that doesn't have a price on it and only when the price is high enough. Fuck. And that hand is making me not care about what I'm reading as long she's safe. Shit.

I feel the movement of the bed, hear their footsteps, and hear a phone ring, hearing everyone stop. I exhale, hear the needle being removed from the record, hear Sarah answer the call, and hear her say, "Yes Judge Banks. Can I put you on speaker so my daughters and their," hear her stop, and she says, "Thank you Judge Banks for that trust. I'll put you on speaker now."

I inhale, close my book, focus on that empty square shape on the wall, that square shape I want to punch until I feel the stucco crack like his jaw, and hear a voice say, "I wanted to call because I feel personally responsible about this Sarah and just how long it took." I hear Sarah say, "Judge Banks please don't, I know you did all you could, and anything you can do now will be very much appreciated by our family."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Always so good hearted. Well I'll start with the difficult information and tell you that," I hear him stop, hear him inhale, and he says, "Jazmine are you there?" I feel her stop moving those soft fingers and hear that voice say, "Yes sir, I'm here." I hear him exhale and he says, "I want to tell you that recording was only listened to by myself, Lieutenant Saunders, and a court appointed psychologist, and no one else."

I hear that exhale, feel that hand come down to my right shoulder, feel her kneading it, feeling my eyelids close, and shake my head. Damn it focus Huey. I hear that voice say, "Thank you very much sir. I really, really don't want anyone knowing. It's just so." I hear her stop, feel the bed moving, grab that hand on my shoulder, bring it back to my neck, knowing she needs to focus, and feel those soft fingers moving over those muscles, feeling my exhale.

I hear Sarah say, "Thank you Judge Banks, we don't want this being known outside of our family and close friends not only because of the sensitive subject matter but because both my daughters are still in high school and shouldn't have to deal with the immaturity of kids there knowing about this, which I know will only lead to my daughters defending themselves and me being there to defend them."

I hear an exhale and hear him say, "What I would expect from any parent. So yes, I made sure only those that necessarily had to hear it listened to that recording, and both of course signed a confidentiality agreement that could only be overturned by a subpoena but I hardly doubt that was necessary as I have worked with that psychologist for several years and have full confidence in her never discussing a case unless required to by my court and I believe Lieutenant Saunders would first break several laws before discussing any of this matter with anyone."

I feel that exhale in those soft fingers and hear him say, "And so per the psychologist's recommendations, after confirming what I already knew to be true, that the video recordings from the families and mediation room at the precinct and the voice recording you provided matched, her recommendations, which I will unquestionably adhere to, are that there is no need for a formal psychological evaluation to determine the existence of danger to a minor and the other party in this case should not have a claim to such a minor, including any of your other children Sarah. Based on that recommendation and my own personal belief of the danger that party poses to your family, I have also recommended his removal from this county. And so, as of this afternoon, Lieutenant Saunders informed the other party that as soon as he's released from the hospital, which I believe will be by tomorrow morning, he is to leave this county within twenty four hours and will not be able to come back until the day after your youngest child's eighteenth birthday, and if you do see him before that day in this county you are to contact the police so he can be arrested. I apologize I could not request for removal from the state due to his profession but."

I exhale, closing my eyes, feeling them jumping on the bed behind me, hearing them thank him, shaking my head, and feeling that warmth knowing at least by the standards of our corrupted legal infrastructure, that psychotic piece of shit won't legally have access to her or worse, have her alone, while she's a minor and by the time he can enter the county she'll be leaving to some college he won't know about. I feel my exhale longer, much longer. She's safe. But I can still kill him.

I feel that kiss on my neck, feeling that warmth on my face, my smirk, and know I'm still not leaving her alone until I know for a fact she's safe.

I hear him laugh and hear that voice over the 'thank you's' say, "Can I ask a question Judge Banks?" I hear him say, "Of course Jazmine." I hear her inhale and hear her say, "Thank you again but is anyone else in trouble?"

I exhale through my nose, hear them laugh, and hear him say, "About that." I feel my eyebrow rise, put my head back on the bed, feeling that hand move up into my hair, feeling those drawings on the top of my head, and close my eyes, not caring and trying to figure out how I can get to that hospital tonight to confirm when he'll be released and if he has been released, get to the hotel and make him leave, all without leaving her alone or making that blonde afro aware that I did anything. Shit.

I hear him say, "Yes, about that. Well, you see, the video recordings are clear and precise during the first twenty minutes of that scheduled meeting but thereafter all recordings seem to be unclear and of course there were so many officers in the room within a matter of seconds that it's extremely difficult, the Lieutenant said if even possible, to really determine that happenings and whether the other party has evidence to press charges on the two young men that were at the precinct with you that day."

I hear Sarah's voice say, "If he continues to press charges, those two young men will have legal representation he will be scared to meet in court." I hear their laugh and that giggle, feel my smirk, remembering that story about her walking back to those gates, how little fear our mother showed, as long as she was defending what she thought to be self-evident to her.

I hear him say, "Don't worry about that Sarah. He has no evidence to bring forth, unless he request the full video recordings from the precinct for that day, which he can, but that will require time, will have to be sent to him wherever he chooses to stay outside of this county, and I'm sure once he comes to his senses and remembers your reputation in court, he will stop pursuing those charges."

I hear Cindy say, "Damn straight." I hear them laugh, exhale, remembering how we do not get to choose our younger siblings, and hear him say, "Yes, and although the recordings also can't determine where it came from, I believe that chair that connected to his stomach thrown from somewhere behind the eleven officers and those two young men was a very good throw and he will also not be able to press charges against wherever it came from."

I exhale, hearing them laugh, and shake my head, feeling those fingers drawing those webs, knowing after seeing that chair hit his lower abdomen she has always been a female version of my younger brother. And, my brother is better today because of her, regardless of his idiotic choices in the past. I feel those fingers on my forehead, feel them pulling on my skin, feel my face relaxing, and I let her.

I hear Leo say, "That's my girl," and hear their laugh, feeling myself relaxing into a place I haven't been to for several weeks.

I hear Sarah say, "Thank you so much Judge Banks. You don't know how grateful I really am. Thank you." I hear an inhale, feel the bed moving, and hear him say, "Well, there is more Sarah, as in the fact that although the process has begun I will be going through the formalities with the stenographer and the court appointed psychologist in my chambers tomorrow. If you'd like you can," and hear Sarah cut him off with, "Yes, yes, I would like to be there. Please."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "I thought so. Of course. You know the process. After tomorrow, once everything is finalized, at least based on my court's proceedings, he will be forced to leave and he can fight it wherever he decides to go but will find it difficult, if not a losing battle, when he remembers we do communicate from court to court and take highly into consideration the final say from current judges, especially when there will be notes, detailed notes, about his instability, the numerous child protection laws he broke, and the world-wide accepted laws he would break as well if he were to get near your child. There will be notes, evidence, and anything else the psychologist and myself can add to the chart to make all courts aware of how dangerous he is to your family."

I hear her exhale, hear her sniffling, and hear her say, "Thank you Judge Banks. Thank you so much."

I hear him say, "I'll let you go so you can finally all rest but I want to apologize before I do." I feel the bed stop moving, hear him exhale, and hear Sarah's broken voice say, "Judge Banks there's nothing for you to apologize, you did," but he cuts her off with, "Sarah, there is."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Your family, your children, have had to suffer in silence, waiting for an entire day and a half after you had to watch your child, her sister had to watch her older sister, walk into a room where you knew she would be meeting a person that could possibly hurt her, who was unstable, and needs more than medical help. You had to wait an entire day and a half to know if the information you provided would be sufficient for my court to find that that person should not have her alone, in his home, and you didn't know what the outcome would be for too long. And so." I hear him exhale and hear him say, "I am deeply sorry for the wait and suffering and deeply grateful you were not another one of those cases I had to sit through."

I feel that hand moving over my forehead, knowing I should tell her to stop because I'm too relaxed, but I want her to continue, and I get to ask for things today.

I hear Sarah's voice say, "Judge Banks?" I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Too many of those cases Sarah. Too many I've had to sit through. Family members, close friends, acquaintances, people a child trusted, a child that had no say and no fault in those peoples' deranged ideas, and had to suffer unspeakable things, things I would have to turn to the church to accept as realities of this world. But."

I feel that thumb over my forehead moving from one end of my forehead to the other in those slow motions she makes holding her pencil when she's reading and thinking those Jazmine thoughts like she was earlier today when she was reading that book I want to know more about, that history people do not like facing, like many things the masses of this world do not want to face, afraid it will break their illusion of safety, sending the sanctuary of their ignorance crashing down around them, things the girl that's making my forehead feel like those waves is not afraid to face.

I hear him say, "But in those moments of acceptance, those moments when I knew I could only do so much, instruct the jury, establish rules and procedures, determine verdicts when necessary, and primarily, put forth the punishment, hoping for rehabilitation, in many cases I understood the only real act I could accomplish was simply giving that victim, that child, the idea that they were safe because that person would be far away, locked away, somewhere away from them, and in that, showing that child that someone, something, cared for them enough to put that evil person away. And."

I feel those soft fingers massaging my right earlobe, not remembering a better feeling in the world than this, where she's safe and she has her hand there, doing that, and hear him say, "And in those cases, the ones where that deranged person spoke openly in court about their actions, why they did them, why thankfully some didn't go further than they did, the common answer, the reason behind why they stopped themselves from going further was always, always, the fear of knowing there was someone that would notice, someone that was close and loved that child enough to know if that child was acting strange, quiet, or different, a person that would ask that child if anything was wrong, a person that child trusted and would tell what was being done to them, usually, that person, who I deemed to be the child's guardian angel, regardless of how I understand the realities of this world, was the child's mother."

I hear an inhale, feel her stop the movement of those soft fingers, feel the bed moving, and hear Sarah's broken voice say, "Thank you Judge Banks." I hear the sniffling and hear Sarah say, "Thank you for everything. Thank you so, so much."

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "Thank you Sarah and I'll see you tomorrow. Have a good night."

I hear the phone call end, feel her shaking holding my earlobe, grab that hand, and hear her sister say, "We love you mama's."

I feel her exhale, feeling the shaking stop, let go of that small hand and hear Sarah's voice say, "I love you to babies. And since I apparently have to be in Judge Banks's chambers early in the morning, I think we should all go to sleep soon."

I exhale, open my eyes, move up, feeling that hand leaving my earlobe, even though I don't want it to, and hear that voice say, "Mama?"

I hear her exhale and hear that whiny voice say, "Can I stay home from school tomorrow, just one more day, please?"

I exhale and hear Sarah's voice say, "Of course baby. You can stay home as long as you want. Both of you can. I know it was hard for both of you, watching it happen, and having to be there. And I'm sorry babies and yes you can stay home as long as you want."

I hear that voice say, "I just wanna stay home for another day, just don't wanna be at school with that drama, that stuff at school, yet, but I do wanna see my friends soon. They know everything and they know we're okay but I know we miss seeing them at school. So maybe just tomorrow."

I hear her sister say, "Yeah mama, just tomorrow or 'til ma sis feels okay and I ain't leaving her."

I hear my brother say, "You'll think we leaving you here alone. Shit, you'll do know you ain't gonna be alone 'til we knows shits taken care of."

I exhale, knowing he's being smart about his words, and hear Sarah say, "Well then, because I know Huey's also not going to school." I hear that giggle, close my eyes, put my head back on that bed, feeling my smirk with that warm thumb going over my forehead, and hear Sarah continue, "Why don't I call Ming's and Lauren's parents and see if it's okay if you all miss school tomorrow and go somewhere, not stay in this house, but actually go somewhere fun?"

I feel my eyebrow rise, knowing a day with her and them would only come second to being with just her but far better than being in school with those idiots, and hear Leo say, "I think that's a great idea and I'm sure my boys would be completely up for it."

I hear them laugh and feel my smirk, thinking about where we could go tomorrow, in the middle of the week, in winter, where I wouldn't have to deal morons, and exhale, knowing. I'll have to make a few phone calls, one particular phone call I do not want to make, but the results could outweigh the necessary dealings with that person.

I feel the bed move and hear Sarah say, "Okay, let me call them before it gets any later and you my one and only should let your boys know."

I exhale and feel those soft fingers get to my right earlobe again, trying to remember if it felt this good a few minutes ago, thinking about how I'm not looking forward to sleeping in the same arrangement as last night but it's only proper for us to sleep in the living room. I inhale, knowing how I was raised, for better or for worse, and hear Sarah say, "Oh and boys, seeing as you are sleeping over again, unless my daughters want to sleep as we all did last night, and if it's what you all want, you should all sleep in their assigned rooms as it's only appropriate since you're already doing that on Saturday nights across the street."

I hear three voices along with my own say, 'Yes', all at the same time, feel my smirk turning into that thing she likes, hear them laugh, focusing on the one laugh, those soft fingers massaging my earlobe, and know after making that phone call tonight, I will be looking forward to going to sleep.


I hear that voice say, "You're really not leaving right bestie?" I exhale through my nose, hear that giggle, and hear her say, "Okay. That answer's good enough for now. And I know you're really tired so I know when you go to sleep you won't be waking up to go, you know, do stuff." I exhale, put my face in that hair, inhale those particles that belong to me, I say, "I'm not tired Jazmine, I'm fine, you're the one that's," but stop, feeling that hand on my neck, and hear her whisper, "Bestie, I can feel it. I don't know how, but I can feel how tired you are. So, just rest okay, please. And I know if you went anywhere tonight." I feel that upper back move with her inhale and hear her say, "You would be okay but." I feel her exhale and hear her say, "I don't want you to be around bad people, sick people, so," but I cut her off, knowing she's too optimistic about this damn world and all of its insignificant fucken despicable people, and say, "Jazmine stop it. Stop believing they're even sick. They're not. A sickness can be cured from, can be remedied. That, what that is, what that piece of fucken trash is cannot be remedied, he needs to be locked away in a corner where I can find him and." I feel her moving away, hold that waist, and say, "Jazmine, you need to stop believing that or you'll get hurt. Do you understand that? And I may not always be there to protect you and what then? What then? What will happen to them, me, what? To everyone that cares about you, that loves you, damn it Jazmine. Do you even think," and stop, feeling the shaking. Fuck. Why did I say those things? She doesn't need that right now.

I move away from that hair, those particles, let go of that waist and feel that hand grab mine. I exhale and say, "Jazmine, I'm too angry at all of it, all of it, and I'm lashing out at you, I'll go," and stop, feeling her let go of my hand, and feeling her turn. I see that thick hair turning away from me, see those freckles I wanted to count in the morning, those eyes, and see they're dry, feeling my exhale.

I see that smile in the moonlight and she says, "You just said you were one of the people that cares about me and loves me."

I see that hand come back, feel it, that warm palm, warm like her, touch my face, and put my hand back on that waist. I exhale and say, "I did say that."

I see that tint I like, feel my smirk, exhale, knowing she's right, and say, "And, although I don't have the same amount of energy as I would normally have, the only reason I'm not leaving is because you asked me to stay, and as corrupt as I know our legal system is I want to trust what that judge said will happen will be done within the set amount of time, but if he's not gone, where I have proof that he's checked into another hotel outside of this county by Friday night, which gives him twenty four hours from tomorrow morning to check out of this hotel, drive in any direction he wants, into the damn ocean if he wants to, and check into another hotel that night, which I will find out through monitoring both their credit cards, I will go down to that hotel, drag him out, put him on the next damn train going to," and stop, tasting those lips.

I feel that hand go back down to my neck and bring her in, feeling that waist, feeling my hand cover it. Fuck. I pull away, see those eyes with that intensity. Shit. I close my eyes, knowing this is not what she needs right now.

I feel her move in, feel that hair under my chin, exhale, and hear that voice say, "Thank you for saying you're one of the people that cares about me and loves me and staying tonight and thank you for trusting Judge Banks because I know it's hard for you to trust things will be okay and having hope in this world, so thank for trusting it a little and having a little hope in it."

I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale through my nose, and say, "Jazmine I didn't say anything about," but she cuts me off with, "Hope. I know bestie. But I know you and you don't trust people and you don't trust that things will be okay. And you trusting that the law is gonna do what Judge Banks said it's gonna do is you trusting a little bit, hoping things will be okay, and you can't trust things, people, I know I can't, without thinking those people, those things, are gonna do what they say, if you don't have a little hope that they're gonna do those things. So, you have a little hope today because you're not leaving tonight, you're staying here, because I know you wanna make sure I'm okay even if you haven't said it, even though I really am okay, and I really want you to stay to make sure you rest, and you're doing all of that, staying, letting me take care of you, and letting the law take care of things, even though you could leave right now and I couldn't stop you, because you trust me and maybe some more people and some more things today because you have a little more hope, so thank you for trusting and having that little bit more hope that things will be okay."

I exhale, put my hand on that lower back, and hear myself say the truth with, "Fine." I hear that giggle, feel my smirk, feel my exhale longer, and say, "Are you really." I inhale and say, "Okay?"

I feel that face move on my chest and hear that voice say, "Not really. He." I inhale and hear that voice say, "He was my dad, my real dad, and he." I hear her stop, feel those breast move over my chest, and hear her say, "He thought about me like that and I just." I hear her stop and I wait.

After some time I hear that voice say, "What's in Utah?" I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, remembering that recording, the kit I'll have to bring over to fix that wall in their garage before we leave tomorrow, that wall that witnessed my anger along with my brother right before I had to explain to him what's in Utah, and say, "Some industry in mining, manufacturing and petroleum production, but more importantly to the reason you're asking, it also has the largest Mormon population in the country, which, although it's against the law, are known to practice polygamy."

I feel her inhale, hold her, feel her shaking, and say, "Jazmine are you," and she cuts me off with, "Yes. I'm okay bestie. Just, it's just a lot."

I nod, trying to relax, if only to bring my temperature down to not worry her, wanting to leave more than before to kill him, and put my chin over that head again, feeling my exhale, knowing I would have killed him if tried taking her there. I hear that voice say, "I can't believe people," hear her exhale, and hear that voice say, "Do that. I mean it's just gross, kind of like what's going on in school."

I feel my smirk, feeling my temperature coming down, feel that pride, knowing it's pride, and say, "You know most kids our age wouldn't know what that word means."

I feel that kiss on my chest, feel my exhale, knowing now that I'm relaxing I want more but she doesn't need that right now, and hear that voice say, "Did you hear the whole recording?"

I exhale, giving her my answer, feeling that smooth lower back, and hear that voice say, "I meant everything."

I inhale, feel my smirk, feeling that pride again, and I say, "Including the part about Black Jesus being the only real one?"

I hear that laugh, that laugh, open my eyes, and see her dark room, this room where I knew, should've trusted my own logic on what I knew of her then, even back then, that she was my future, that day she gave me permission to kiss her all I want because we were more than best friends now. That laugh.

And she said I could kiss her all I want. So, I pull away, go down to those eyes with that shine, and kiss those lips. Shit. Shit. Huey. What is wrong with you!

I pull away and say, "Jazmine, I should sleep downstairs," and she cuts me off with, "Huey, listen." I stop, hearing that voice, adding that to the list of the many things she's able to make me do now. Damn it to hell and how she does that and wonder if she's always been able to do that and I didn't notice until now because even I can be dense at times and not see things that are right in front of me.

I see those eyes blink and hear that voice say, "My Huey." I inhale and hear her say, "Don't treat me like that. Don't treat me like I'm a doll that's gonna break. Yes, I'm not totally okay and I know it's gonna take time but I know I'm gonna be okay because I have lots of people that I love and love me. Lots of people that hug me and give me tea and kisses, like my mom and sister, and let me cry," I inhale, hear her stop, see her put that warm palm on my face again, focus on that small nose, and hear that voice continue, "And I did enough of that yesterday while they hugged me, let me tell them everything, and talked to me about what they thought, how crazy he is, how they love me, and how it's not my fault, and how," I grab that small chin and say, "Jazmine, how is that in anyway your damn fault?"

I hear her exhale and want to take it back, knowing it came it out rough, like I am. I see those eyes blink, see that small smile, feel my exhale, and hear her say, "I thought it was because he made me think that me looking like I do, having things I've never been completely comfortable with, looking like my black side, he just, just, made me not like them for a little bit and." I hear her stop, remember that damn recording, and I say, "Jazmine, those qualities." I feel her shiver and say, "Are yours." I smell that breath, focus on that nose with those freckles, and say, "And I won't repeat any of it but that psychotic worthless piece of shit talked about events that happened years ago, many years ago, when you were a child, long before you started developing which you only really started two years ago, after our eight grade summer vacation, and so none of those qualities have any bearing on the delusional fucken ideas he has and those are your qualities that come from whichever side you want them to come from and yours to feel as you please and," and taste those lips. I inhale, close my eyes, trying to regain that self-control, trying, and feel her pull away.

I exhale, open my eyes, see those eyes, see that tint, and she says, "How long have you noticed my." I see that smile and she says, "Development?"

Shit. I close my eyes and hear her say, "Because I've been checking you out since last year."

I open my eyes, see that tint, look down at those full lips, see her get closer, and feel those breast press themselves on my chest. I swallow and she says, "My Huey, just like I told my mom and sister yesterday, he did make me not like them for a little bit, just for a second, when he started talking about that stuff, the stuff from when I was little, made me feel gross, so gross I had to feel numb to not scream at him, let him get to me, let those things get to me. But after remembering everyone that I love, everyone I had just seen that day, all the good people in my life, I remembered my strengths, how strong I really am, not just because of all the training, but more because of all the people I get to love. So."

I see her lick those lips, wonder why I waited so long, and she says, "Because I know he's crazy I'm not gonna believe anything he said and remind myself whenever I do have those bad thoughts that those hugs and kisses and tea my sister and mom gave me yesterday make me feel the opposite of gross, make me feel perfect, that my sister said if we ever see him we'll call the police and then the dog catcher because that's all he's worth, and." I feel my smirk, see that smile, and she says, "And that I have my mom's hips, my grandma's hair and eyes, and freckles from my other family, and I love all those things because they make me Jazzy and I like when you call me that, but I need you to remember that I'm strong, that I'm exactly what I need to be to meet my own goals and you trust me a little bit more today, and I trust you completely and you're not gonna treat me like a doll that can break, because you know I'm strong because I'm your best friend and only a strong person can be your best friend. And I want to kiss you now because we haven't kissed in a day and a half and that's too long to not kiss my best friend."

I grab that smooth shoulder, push it down on the bed, cover that body, and taste those lips. Fuck. I feel those hands in my hair, hear her say my name, know it has been too long, knowing I get to taste those lips at least once a day and it's been a day and a half. I start moving down to that small chin, that long neck, feeling her shiver, not caring as long as I can taste that skin that belongs to her, and say, "I don't think best friends do this kind of thing Jazzy."

I feel those legs come around my hips, groan into that neck, and hear that voice say, "I know. You're also my boyfriend and I want to do this."

Fuck. Those legs I saw in the air when I pushed that officer out of the way and opened that door, those strong thick legs that are holding me too tight to move. And how did she get that small hand between us? Shit. I feel that hand encircle my head, bite that neck, hear her say my name, and hear that voice say, "I know we're in my house, next to my mom's room, so maybe come up here to kiss me so," and cover that mouth, not letting her finish.

I feel that hand moving down, moving up, and feel myself shaking, tasting those sweet lips, not knowing how they taste like that, and starting to understand it doesn't matter as long as she lets me kiss them. I hear her say my name again, cover that mouth, and remember she's not a doll, she's strong, I need to treat her as she is, put my arm under that long neck, bringing that face, those lips, up, not letting her breathe, and grab that waist, wanting to hold it as long as she'll let me. I hear her say something about making me happy, cover that mouth again, pressing myself onto that stomach, feeling that other hand massaging my balls, knowing my eyeballs are already in the back of my head. Fuck. And I hear myself tell her the truth, I hope I make her happy, because if there's any reason for that insignificant amount of hope, if that's what it is, it's directed to her, and feel that release, saying that name into that mouth.

I breathe however much air I can, hear that voice under me thank me, remember where my hand is, and drag it down under those tight shorts she's wearing, under those soft underwear, over that warm mound, feeling her jerk. Fuck she's wet. I feel myself twitch on that soft stomach and slide my finger down those slick folds, knowing it's tight, thinking about how good those folds feel around my finger, knowing I already finished and they still feel that good. I feel her squirming under me, covering that mouth, hearing her moan into my mouth, knowing this is the best feeling in the world, everything comes second to it, having finished already on that soft stomach, those long arms around my shoulders, knowing it's her, everything that feels right with her, those warm fluids on my finger already going down my hand, where she wants to go, possibly not knowing I was listening to every word she said right before she said it, said she loved me, the shaking I can feel in those strong legs on my sides, and knowing that is what she is, if being in love is real, she is exactly that warmth. I pull away from that lips, look down at that darkest green I like, really like, and hear myself say the truth with, "You make me hope," grab that mound, see her head go back into the bed, bringing that neck up to me, go down to it, kissing anything she'll let me, say, "So if anyone can make me believe in falling in love, it'll be that Jazmine head, but first I want you to cum on my hand," and slide my finger between those warm folds, knowing I'm hard again.

I hear that voice say, "Yes," bite down on that neck, hearing her curse, and feel those fluids, come down like water, feeling myself twitch on that stomach.

I exhale, kiss that neck, hoping I didn't leave marks, but hoping I left several, feel something warm coming down my arm, and groan, inhaling the particles in that hair around that neck, feeling that warm hand encircle my head.

I inhale and say, "Jazmine, you don't have to," and hear that voice cut me off with, "I want to taste you Huey and you're letting me have all of you."

Fuck.


I hear that voice say, "Just know, you never have to say it, because you show me with your actions how you feel, but know I feel like that about you, and I hope I can keep making you feel a little more hope tomorrow. Goodnight warm brain." I feel my smirk, put my face further into that hair, and say, "That unrealistic optimism. " I hear that giggle, bring her further into my body, and hear that voice say, "You like my unrealistic optimism because it makes me Jazzy and I like your hope. Now sleep and I'm making you sleep in tomorrow." I exhale, remembering the alarm system, the numerous people in this house, and the fact they'll be here tomorrow, nod, letting her, and say, "Goodnight Jazzy."

Then, I hear her say, "You're almost done with those. I'll make you two more." I smell them and wonder where's the soreness based on that fight and sleeping on the living room floor, but we had our date at DuSable already. I feel my eyebrow rise, being confused, open my eyes, see the brightness of the room, remember smelling those particles exactly two seconds ago, and still, knowing that means I was that tired that it hardly felt like I slept, I feel like going for a run.

I hear them laughing downstairs, wonder how her bed feels softer than my own, and remember she's a girl and they tend to have too many covers on their bed. But, hearing them laugh downstairs, how soft these numerous, too many, covers feel, I consider five more minutes of sleeping in.

Then I remember where we're going. Damn. Maybe Sunday we'll have another one of those days she's childishly titled 'Huey and Jazzy slash non-friend Sunday' and I've immaturely titled 'Content days'. I exhale, grab my phone, see the time, and exhale. I put my phone back down, crack my neck, feeling my smirk, feeling no soreness and have the frivolous thought to climb up the side of her house after my solo training on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I shake my head. I might want more now, I know that, and know if I asked, she could be willing to let me sleep over twice a week but for now what I get is fine and respectful, enough that Sarah trust me, and no matter how much of a teenager others think I am, I was raised a certain way. I exhale, lay back down, feel the place to my left where she slept last night still has the warmth of those hips, remember everything I said last night, and feel a purpose today that involves her again and that I do not have to open a book for or research or investigate in order to accomplish. It also doesn't involve visiting people that are dead. My people. The ones that know her today, even though I still do not believe in souls, but I believe they know her now.

And, as I hear that laughing downstairs, remembering that phone call I made last night, feeling my exhale through my nose, and hearing that laugh, it's possible, spending this much time with her, having gone through this much with her already, remembering some of those emails I need to get back to, I know I do want more, something bigger, more change in this world, and only that Jazmine head could make me hope for more. I inhale. Hope. First, I need to make sure that fucken imbecile is out of this county, at the minimum, preferably out of the state. I hear those light footsteps, hear the doorknob being turned slowly, look over, and see that face with the smile and that head in those two small braids. I exhale, see that tint over that small nose, and she says, "Morning bestie. I made some of your favorite pancakes."

I exhale, sit up, knowing I should get up, and see her walk in, feeling my mouth open. I know exactly what's under that purple turtleneck sweater, those white jeans, and small purple socks, and still, she looks. I hear that giggle, look up, see that tint covering all of her freckles, and she says, "You said to dress warm and you kind of left a few marks on me so."

I feel my eyebrow rise, look down that body, from that turtleneck to those socks, trying to remember when she became what she is now, and hear that voice say, "Bestie, don't look at me like that, our friends are downstairs, and we kind of can't do anything." I look back up at that flushed face, see her looking away, feel my smirk, exhale, knowing she's right, and say, "I don't think there's much left after how much you took last night anyways." I see those full lips become that small 'o', see that tint possibly get redder, feeling that pride knowing she's mine, gives me contentment, makes me happy, gets that flushed only for me, and feel that chauvinistic pride knowing no matter what she's seen anywhere, I've impressed her. I see that flushed face look back at me, those eyes focused on her target, feel myself swallow, and she says, "Says the one that made me orgasm by just asking me."

I know my face is red, possibly so much anyone could see it, which doesn't make a difference to me, but what does make a difference is seeing those hips swaying, feeling my mouth open, knowing I'm possibly drooling at what she just said, how she's taking those small steps towards me, and not giving a damn about how much of a fool I look.

I see that ass sit down on the edge of the bed, see that face come closer, see that color, the one I don't have to dream about now but do anyways, see those lips move, and hear that voice say, "Tell me the truth Huey, my Huey, who belongs to me, do you think you'll always get hard when I sway my hips like that?"

I feel myself nod, see that smile, feel myself twitch, and say the selfish truth, "You should know when you ask, I will always be honest in my answers, in my actions, remain accountable to them, even if I'm still trying to personally not feel connected to those that don't live like that." I see her inhale, look up at those eyes, see that worried look, and I say, "And in that, in exchange for whatever it is you're willing to give me I will always give you the truth. And." I put my hand on that hip, bring her in, hearing her inhale, see that darker jade, and I say, "Even if I never think I deserve you," I see that mouth open and say, "I'm not done Jazmine," see that mouth close, I exhale, and say, "Even if I never think I deserve you, I'm not letting you go unless you want to leave and." I see that smile, feel my smirk, and say, "And lying is for the weak and you're none of those things they ever called you or what that fucken lunatic said two days ago. And about what you said." I see that hand come up, feel that warm palm on my face, feeling myself relax, remembering everything she said about me, how she spoke of me not having to, and say, "You should also know, you are also my first girlfriend and I have no shame in that because I was never a normal kid, a normal teenager, I'm not a normal guy, and I highly doubt I'm going to be a normal man." I see her move up, see her lick those lips I'm close enough to kiss, inhale the smell of that tea, feeling those soft fingers on my face, and I say, "And I don't know what changes I will help bring about, if any, but there will be changes and that Jazmine head will help me make those changes, along with possibly my idiot brother, because you have always been my best friend, regardless of my idiotic reasoning for not acknowledging it, and as long as you want it we will keep planning things together, no one will call you those names that you are not or try to take advantage of that Jazmine head, knowing there will still be idiots out there that will try to because you are beautiful, will more than likely remain so, which logically leads back to the point of this conversation and that is whether or not I will always get hard seeing you sway those hips that belong to you, like your hair, your eyes, and everything else, and the answer is, based on science and that insignificant amount of hope I feel now, the answer will always be yes."

I feel those lips press down, close my eyes, tasting those lips, that tongue, hear her say she loves me, inhale, and say, 'Yes.' I feel something being removed, possibly one of the thirty covers on her bed, not caring where we are or what day it is as long as it's her, and hear, "Hu! We gonna be late man! Got half an hour to get moving!"

I exhale, feel those lips move away, open my eyes, see that darker jade, and she whispers, "You're still sleeping over tonight and I want more of you Huey."

I feel my smirk, that warmth, and say, "Fine."

I see her move away, exhale, see those hips get up, see her walk to the door, and feel my eyebrow rise seeing her close the door.

I see her turn and I say, "Jazmine, what are you," and feel my mouth open seeing her pull that tight sweater over her head, see that soft smooth stomach, those freckles on those full breasts, knowing how that skin feels, covered by that purple bra that doesn't have enough intricate holes and is keeping me from seeing what I want to see, and those markings of burst blood vessels on that long neck, what idiot teenagers call hickies, reminding me of that chauvinistic pride. I didn't leave enough. I hear something light fall on the floor, see her sway those hips towards me, feeling myself twitch, see her get to the bed, and see her kneel in front of me. I feel her remove the covers, know it's happening, feel her release me from my shorts and underwear, feeling the coolness of the room, knowing I should stop her because there are people somewhere nearby, see that hand come up over those breasts, follow that hand, see her lick that palm, and feel myself groan, closing my eyes and laying back down, feeling that hand going up my base.

Shit. Fuck. I can't remember if it feels better at night or in the morning and don't give two shits right now, feeling that hand going up and down, and hear myself curse, feeling that tongue go around my head. Damn. I know there's a reason she was dressed, a reason we're not in that institution right now, a reason there's people somewhere nearby, but right now, feeling that tongue going from one side of my penis to the other, feeling my eyeballs going into the back of my head, hearing her say my name and how much she wants all of me, I can't remember why any of those other things matter. Then, I feel that tongue go up between my balls, possibly hear myself say I'm coming, feel that tongue leave my balls, wanting her to go back to them, feel those soft lips cover my head with that tongue going around it, and hear myself say it again, not caring how many times I've ever said it, feeling that release, knowing I do not believe in god, but I believe, because I trust her, that I'm a good person and this world has some hope.

I exhale, breathing whatever air is in this room, feel that tongue lick my head, feel myself jerk, and say, "Jazzy." I hear that giggle, feeling myself relax to it, and hear that voice say, "Sorry, you taste really good."

Damn. I inhale, remember where we are, that I'm sleeping over tonight to make sure she's safe for some reason or another, and say, "Fine, but I get to have what you're willing to give me tonight."

I hear her swallow, feeling my smirk turn into that thing she likes, and hear her say, "Yes."


I hear that music, exhale, knowing at least it's not that pagan holiday music, and hear him say, "She really alright man?" I exhale, seeing her laugh and telling them about how she learned to make those moves, and say, "No."

I hear them exhale and I say, "But she will be. In the meantime, she doesn't want to be treated like she's not."

I hear my brother say, "Cuz she strong. Jazzy always been." I exhale, feel my eyebrow rise, and say, "Riley."

I look at him, see him look at me, and he says, "Nah Huey I ain't know that shit happening, so don't even fucken ask."

I exhale, see him inhale, see him look over at them, and he says, "Your ass think just cuz I heard some things I knew that shit fucken happening? You think if I knew I wouldn't have busted in and fucken killed him?"

I exhale, nod, look back at them, and see her smiling at them. She seems happy dancing to music I'm not completely against, music she asked him to play for me. I swallow and say, "If it's anyone's fault it's mine."

I hear them all say, "Fuck you man." I look at them, see them looking at me, exhale, look back at those four on that ice, and say, "I was the closest one to her. I should've known. I should've gone into that house to check on her just to fucken check on her. I should've gone when the I heard the fucken arguing. I should've. Fuck!"

I exhale, look down, inhale, knowing, knowing this is my fault. Fuck. And none of that matters. Whose fault it is doesn't fucken matter! The fact is that I should've done something, anything, killed him or. I feel a hand on my shoulder, look over, see that eyebrow that reminds me we are brothers, and hear him say, "Gotta get drinks McHater. Get up."

I exhale and hear Caesar say, "Listen Hu. Go for a fucken walk man before you say more things that don't make sense."

I inhale, feel that hand on my other shoulder, and hear him say, "I mean it Hu. Just go for a walk. Fucken from here to the fucken vending machine. It'll help."

I exhale, look over at them, see her looking at me with that worried look, knowing she can't hear us with that speaker over them but she can see well enough, and hear Hiro say, "Huey, we ain't fucken leaving them, no one's fucken here, and you knows we take care of our own."

I exhale, feel my smirk, see her exhale from here, see that worried look leave, nod, see that smile, and say, "Fine."

I hear them exhale, get up, and follow my brother down the steps, towards the room where the vending machines are.

We get down to the first step, take that right to the hall with the concession stands, and I hear him say, "You telling my ass how you make that fat racist Ruckus close this shit down."

I exhale, feeling my smirk, and say, "The moment I said it had to do with those two he said he'd open early and keep it closed until school ends today."

I hear him exhale, knowing I would've normally told him it was none of his business, but I don't feel like saying that today. We walk pass the closed concession stands and I hear him say, "Thanks Huey."

I inhale, stop, see him stop, hear him inhale, and he says, "Ain't just Jazzy. C-Murph needed a fucken day off to man, not just cuz of everything but just cuz she fucken feels too much, that shit at school with those hoes she thinks fucken matter, that hoe that started fucken looking for my ass last week and I keep telling her ass I 'on't fucken care what she wants, and then Jazzy man."

I hear him inhale, see his shoulders shaking, hear the inhale, that inhale, feeling my eyes get big, and hear him say, "I fucken should'a done something man. I don't know. Anything. Fuck! Now it ain't just C-Murph I'ma be thinking 'bout and the fucken shit she was always 'round man and I wasn't fucken there to make sure she don't have to see that, knowing shit was fucken bad, just not how fucken bad, cuz I didn't wanna think 'bout that shit, wanted to be out there at those fucken parties instead of with her, where I should'a been, and then."

I hear him inhale, see him shaking, and hear him say, "Cuz I didn't wanna know, didn't wanna fuck up the high, never asked man, not fucken once, cuz wanted to fucken think 'bout those parties, those girls, and it's C-Murph, ma ride or die, that don't feel shit, just always there to play ball, to fuck 'round with blowing shit up at Ed's, never thought 'bout her having it like that, never fucken asked, not 'til this year, after I was done with the parties, the fucking 'round, only 'til shit was good for my ass, then I fucken wanted to know, only asking now man, now, finding out how fucken alone she was man, all that fucken wasted time I could'a been with her, helping her. Fuck!"

I hear the sniffling, feel myself walk up to my brother, my younger brother, knowing last time this happened, knowing I wasn't good at making people feel better, far less about their decisions, all I did was give him logic, told him I would be there for her until he got there, but this time, it's all said and done, and I can't be there or give him logic. So instead, I exhale, put my hand on his shoulder, and let him cry.

After a few minutes I hear him say, "I'ma have to live with that shit." I inhale, exhale, and say, "I will to." Because no matter what they say, I could've done something, but he's my brother and he doesn't have to live with that. I exhale and say, "Riley." I hear him inhale and I say, "She tells me it took months of living together for her to open up to her, someone that's that close to her, and says she might never know how bad it was for her but she's going to keep trying with her I'm sure with how optimistic she is for as long as it takes, and based on how close they are and how much she has to work at it I'm not surprised in the least that she never said anything to anyone else, and if you really want to help, you don't give up Riley and cry over what you could've done differently, whatever mistakes you think you made, especially because you were younger, didn't necessary have the best influences no matter how much they've cleaned up now, knew less about how to see those things, and I'm sure with how similar you two are, blowing things up with Ed possibly helped her, so stop blaming yourself because it won't help, because there's a high change with how much younger you were, even if you were with her, you wouldn't have seen it, wouldn't have known what it was that was happening, and aside from that, you knowing her like you say you do should be able to answer whether you think if you would've asked or been there those times things would have turned out differently when she wouldn't open up to the girl she considered a sister back then, and crying about that possibility, which the logical answer to is things would have turned out the same, gets you nowhere, so just think logically about what you're asking, how really you couldn't have done anything, and do what you can right now even if you think there's nothing you can do."

I hear him exhale, feel him stop shaking, hear him inhale, and after a few seconds I hear him say, "A'ight McHater, I'll do what I can." I exhale, let go of his shoulder, pass him, start walking to the vending machines, and hear him say, "You knows you just like her right?" I exhale, shake my head, hear him come up next to me, and hear him say, "All them plant food and books McHater and you ain't see shit, even though your ass got that book shit from them."

I stop, see him take that step to the vending machine, see him exhale, take out his wallet, and hear him say, "You like them. With how much your ass likes school, books, and shit, specially all them books 'bout blacks, like him."

I inhale, see him take out a bill from his wallet, and hear him say, "I 'on't feel like talking 'bout them either but I'ma just tell you, cuz you ma brother." I exhale, see him put the bill in the machine, and hear him say, "I 'on't remember them no more but." I hear the numbers being entered into the machine and hear him say, "I remember things they did, like how she liked that tea in morning befor' he'd leave. Don't remember if he'd take it but I remember the smell in morning, befor' he'd leave to work, and I remember her voice."

I hear the drink fall onto the dispenser and hear him say, "Only remember that now, her voice, her voice telling us shit like she thought we were cute and shit and I think she liked reading to us at night."

I inhale, remembering those nights, and hear him say, "So I knows you got that shit from them, reading about blacks from him and just reading other books from her, and I think, I got how they could see it, see art, what it is, what it ain't, what it means, cuz I remember those paintings at our place, those watercolors, those colors."

I hear him stop punching those numbers, hear him exhale, and hear him say, "But how you blame your ass 'bout everything that ain't your fault, I think you got that from hanging out with that big ass forehead who like my lil' sis, like your ass thinking you could'a done something when that piece of fucken disgusting shit who I'ma kill if you don't first did that shit when he knew her momma wasn't there, her momma who Cin tol' me blames her ass and she knows hasn't fucken stopped crying when she alone, thinking she should'a done something, when that pussy did shit in a way to not get caught, fucken talking 'bout doing that shit only when the fucken law can't do shit to him, when he's a fucken lawyer, taking her to some fucken place he can make."

I hear him exhale, feel myself shaking, inhale, trying to not leave to take care of that fucken disgusting piece of shit, and hear him say, "And you think you could'a done shit 'bout him doing that shit to their momma when I fucken heard him calling her those names man, fucken calling her a hoe and other shit I know their momma ain't, never gonna be, and then hearing shit get quiet, like him going into some room and saying that shit there where you couldn't hear from outside, like he knew, he fucken knew people, we, could'a heard, cuz he was fucken scared we would bust it."

I inhale, exhale, and hear him say, "So, I think cuz of how shit went down, how he'd get there drunk and probably fucken high man, would talk shit for a few and then get quiet knowing we could hear, I think he was fucken scared we'd hear and bust in, cuz I don't think their momma could'a kept his ass that quiet less he wanned to be quiet, less he knew we were there, 'cross the street, listening. And."

I inhale, remembering those minutes, the time lapse, and those few times I did see them outside after one of those nights I heard the arguing, and how scared he looked. Fucken asshole I should've killed.

I hear him say, "And that's how I knows, cuz of all that shit, how Cin keeps saying her momma couldn't have done nothing cuz that fucken piece of shit only did that when she wasn't home and at night, shit, probably when their momma was fucken tired from taking care of his drunk punk ass, she didn't know he was doing that shit, fucken creeping 'round their house being the punk ass bitch he is, and how bad she says the fights got after Jazzy got older, like that punk ass was pissed her momma put a fucken lock on her door, but still he'd get fucken quiet in a minute after getting home drunk, like he knew, fucken knew, we were there, and if we even thought that shit was that bad, we would'a bust a cap in his ass. That's how I knows you couldn't have done shit Huey, cuz you didn't know, her momma didn't fucken know, and the punk ass was a fucken creep and a pussy that did everything in the fucken dark when people couldn't see or wouldn't fucken think shit was that bad."

I inhale, remember that soft afro, those qualities she has, one of them being how aware she is, believes people are mostly good, how highly she thinks of him, how his art will be in that museum one day, and hear him say, "So that's how I knows that shit, thinking you could'a done something, blaming your ass for not stopping that fucken piece of shit from creeping 'round their house when their momma didn't even know, did that other shit when she was a lil' kid and no one was at their house, and then thinking you should'a busted in when we only heard it for a few and then he'd probably go into a fucken room or somewhere where we couldn't fucken hear him being a pussy punk ass bitch with their momma, you thinking you could'a stopped that don't make sense so I knows that shit gotta come from that plant food or books our folks didn't read cuz even though I don't remember them no more, I 'on't remember them not making sense, saying shit that don't make sense, and you saying that sounds like some'ng Jazzy would say, cuz she always trying to make everyone fucken feel better, making people feel like it 'on't matter how they talk or even shit they do, she just wants to be everyone's friend and I think Cin getting that shit to man."

I hear him exhale, feeling my eyebrow rise, and hear him say, "But she still ain't as bad as Jazzy. Least C-Murph 'on't try to be nice to people after they were fucken assholes. Jazzy like that. I mean she went through some fucked up shit no girl ever need to go through, and then wants to spend a fucken day with friends trying to make 'em laugh, spend time with her sister trying to make her not think 'bout all that shit from two days ago cuz she knows C-Murph keeps wanning to fucken cry man."

I hear him say quieter, "I seen that shit started that fucken day we thought he was gonna get her. That night man. Since that day, C-Murph just fucken cries when she alone, like her momma, and Jazzy trying to make 'em all feel better. Fuck man."

I exhale, wondering how long it's been since I brought her further into my body, hearing that giggle, feeling those strong legs, making sure she's safe. Too long.

I hear him say, "But that's how I knows you got that shit from hanging 'round her since we moved here. Not thinking 'bout how fucked up you are, just thinking shit all your fault and you gotta fix it or you gotta make everyone else feel better cuz shit's your fault and you don't want people feeling fucked up."

I feel my eyebrow rise, exhale, remembering how that unrealistic optimism will possibly always think highly of him and how she's right and doesn't have to know it, and I say, "Just so you know, because you are my brother, and because it needs to be said, regardless of your idiotic choices, you didn't let yourself be consumed by that life or stayed in it for longer than you needed to. I also know you're not doing any of that anymore and it shows character. And aside from that and regardless of the fact that we might never see eye to eye on certain things, I do know you Riley, you aren't stupid, you know what they will always say about us when we walk out the room, I trust you will always be there to take care of her if I'm not there like I will do for her sister if you're not around, and over all of that, I am proud that you're my brother."

I hear him exhale and hear him enter the numbers into the machine. I exhale, knowing that's the end of the closest brotherly conversation we've ever had, walk up to the other vending machine, take out my wallet, and see that bill he's handing me.

I feel my eyebrow rise and say, "Riley I have money so," but he cuts me off exhaling and he says, "I knows McHater. This ma change so you don't gotta break a bill and your ma brother and I love you man."

I exhale, nod, remembering some advice and how I try to, want to, live with as little regret as possible, grab the bill, and say, "Thanks. Love you to man."

I put the bill inside and hear him say, "You knows you still a gay ass hater even if your ass finally dating Jazzy."

I exhale through my nose, hear his cackle, remembering he will always be my only idiot brother, enter the numbers into the machine, and hear him say, "I don't know man. I knows I love family but outside that shit, I 'on't know."

I exhale, hear the drink dropping down to the dispenser and say, "Same."

I hear him inhale and hear him say, "But I knows after all them girls, some hoes, if that shit real, all that gay shit, emotions and all that crap, was always gonna be the female that ain't scared of walking into stupid ass gangster shit with my ass or skating from fucken rooftops."

I feel my eyebrow rise remembering the idiotic reasons they did those things, enter the numbers into the machine, see the numbers in the order of that day and month, the day she was born almost sixteen years ago, and wonder if that god continues to laugh at my expense even if I don't care as much anymore. That afro that spent those hours with me trying to save an innocent man from the death penalty. I feel my smirk and say, "Or the girl that wanted me to add those pink inked letters in my letters to free brother Shabazz or the only person that actually read my survival handbook in a house full of people that could actually read and had nothing better to do for an entire damn week."

I hear his cackle and feel my smirk get bigger, knowing it is possible my standards for people, like expecting them to read a survival handbook during a crisis, are too high but she keeps surpassing them so I couldn't two shits if they are too high.

I hear him exhale and hear him say, "He right man. You both nerds."

I exhale, shake my head, handing him the change, and hear him say, "And talking 'bout them two, hurry it up, I wanna get back and watch Cin try more moves I 'on't fucken care 'bout but like watching her make 'em."

I shake my head, thinking about those white jeans, how she looks in them dancing in those skates, not knowing music from the Jackson Five could be construed as sexy but damn it can be. And, we have this ice rink to ourselves because he has what some would call 'affection' towards Jazmine and her sister, what real fatherly affection should be, remembering them all hugging him when we got here knowing he was doing this for them, how he was respectful in how he hugged them. And so, she is safe, her younger sister is safe to, and her mother is calling every two hours to check in until we have confirmation that fucken imbecile has checked into another hotel and I have confirmation from my contacts that calls being made from that cell phone we finally found or that women's cell phone to his office are coming from outside the county. I exhale, knowing there is still so much work that needs to be done for her, them, my people. And I told her she'd help me make those changes, along with possibly my idiot brother, and lying is for the weak.

I inhale, feeling my smirk, grab the drinks, turn, and start walking back, hearing my brother do the same thing. I look up, see him at the viewing station looking down at one of those right wing magazines, racist in nature but not incompetent enough to be honest about their views, and she's safe here. I exhale. An ice rink where Ruckus isn't allowing anyone in until after three when school lets out, locking those steel doors, and we're here with my trusted idiot friends, my younger brother, who I just talked about our parents, our history with, told him I know he's not selling drugs anymore because I believe him, I'm proud of him and love him, her younger sister, who apparently could be teaching my younger brother if falling in love, if that's what it is, is real, and my friends' girlfriends who that soft blonde afro said she missed. And her, who is possibly, as unlikely as it is, only after half a year of being together, almost six years of knowing each other, is teaching me more about history as she reads books I haven't read, is willing to accept what I can give her right now as enough, and hope, that insignificant amount of hope, she's willing to wait for more, knowing if it's possible for me to believe in anymore, possibly in even falling in love, it'll be because of that Jazmine. But first, I need to make sure she's safe.

We make that left, see those two down there on the ice with them, trying to learn how to ice skate, feel my exhale, knowing they're down there with her, and shake my head, hearing my brother's cackle. I see him run down the steps towards them, take that left, and I follow him.

Once I'm down the steps, I look over at them, see that smile she's giving me, and feel my smirk, feeling that hope that at least for the rest of the day we might continue actually enjoying our day off from that institution, those people that do not matter, until tonight, when I ask her to cum on my hand again.

Fuck. Last night. This morning. I swallow, see those small white ice skates, go up those jeans, lick my lips, see that small waist, that damn sweater I've had to control myself from looking at, that soft hair that's long enough now it covers those breasts, go up, trying to not stare at that part more, and see that tint from here, feeling my smirk.

I see the opening, where the division ends, turn to the bench in front of the opening, put the drinks down, sit down next to him, and hear him say, "Your ass betta not tell anyone at school I knows how to do this shit. Fuck up my rep."

I exhale through my nose, see her giggle from here, seeing those long legs in those skates, and see her mouth, 'Almost done bestie.' I exhale, shake my head, look down, grab the skates we rented, and hear him say, "Your ass be coming?"

I nod and say, "You come after me, I will slam you into the division." I hear his cackling, take off my shoes, start putting on the skates, and hear him say, "Nah McHater, I won't do shit. Could fuck up the mood and I think Jazzy's fucken way too happy to mess it up for her thinking your ass gonna go out there."

I feel my eyebrow rise, look up, and feel my mouth open seeing those small skates jumping up and down, go up, see those hips start to move with the beat, see that turn, trying to not go back down to those hips, and see those lips moving to "that nasty boogie, bugs me, But somehow it has drugged me, Spellbound rhythm gets me on my feet, I've changed my life completely, I've seen the lightening leave me, My baby just can't take her eyes off me." I feel my feet secure, get up, feel myself walking and then moving towards her, see that turn again with her eyes closed, come up and put my hands on those hips.

I feel her inhale, see her turn towards me, look up at me with that small smile, putting my hands back down on those hips where they feel too right, feel those small hands in those gloves on my arms, and she says, "If I haven't said it, thank you bestie. I feel so much better just being here and not at home, being here with them and laughing, seeing you with the guys, and now I know why you looked annoyed after you made a call for something you wanted us to do today and didn't wanna tell me what it was. I really didn't think this was it and it was just so nice and I feel so much better with how much time we've been spending together, everything, and then you doing this when I know you don't like doing these kinds of things, how it feels like a really big group date and it's just so special and you're so roman," and taste those lips, closing my eyes, knowing my idiot friends are here, so she's safe, and I can close my eyes.

I taste those lips, that damn taste of them, feel those hips move up higher, feel those hands on my neck, feel her suck on my upper lip, and wonder, knowing all she had to do was suck on my lip like that, why the hell we are here and not in my room.

I hear that voice say, "Hu! I need tiny one for balance man!" I feel those lips move away, hear that giggle, exhale through my nose, feel her kiss my chin, and hear her whisper, "Don't want him falling again on the hard ice. And since you both are about the same height, I think weigh about the same, how about you come with me to give him and Hiro pointers, while my sister and the girls help both of them not fall?" I exhale, open my eyes, and see that shine she has even right now, after the last few weeks of having to deal with people that mean something to her getting sick, despicable people that don't deserve her energy or to be on the same fucken continent as her making her feel anyway about what she is, those hips I don't want to let go of, the freckles, the hair, and any other qualities that remind her of her own history, her own strengths, wherever she chooses to get that from, wherever it is she gets that unrealistic optimism from, one of the many reasons I thought what is happening between us could not, should not happen, and know none of that matters, as long she keeps letting me inhale those particles with that hope she carries, and I know I want more of.

I hear her call me that nickname again, see that tint I like, feel my smirk, go down, kiss those lips, push through those full lips, taste that tongue, that damn tongue, groan into that mouth, and hear cheering coming from my idiot friends and their girlfriends, all of which make her happy and she missed.

I feel her move away, feel my annoyance through my exhale, look down at those intense eyes, those full pursed lips, and hear her whisper, "Bestie, our friends are right here, and you're making me want to go home and lock you in my room, so I'm taking back what I said this morning and we're both doing things to each other tonight okay."

I feel my eyebrow rise, feel that thing on my face she likes, see that smile with her exhale, and I say, "Fine, but after what you call 'friend time' is over, if we still have time before your mother's home because I know you want to spend time with your family before we go to sleep tonight and we both enjoy each other, and before having to deal with those kids at that damn institution and the trash of this world, I want you to let me put more of those marks on that neck."

I see her look down at my lips I think, see her lick that bottom lip, feeling that warmth in my stomach, knowing what it is, and hear her whisper, "I was hoping you would but I wanna put some on you to." I swallow, feel that damn warmth on my face, and say the truth with, "I hope you do."

Then I hear voices say, 'Fuck man!' and 'Holy shit!', see that solid forest green look to my left, see them open, and hear her say, "Be back bestie." I exhale, feeling those hips leaving my hands, look over and see those hips swaying towards my younger brother's closest friend and the one I would consider my best friend after those hips, both on the floor. I hear them laughing, their cackling, shake my head, and start moving over to them.

As I get closer I see them trying to get up with help from their girlfriends and my girlfriend. I inhale, watching her help them up, hearing their cackling, knowing she is my girlfriend today.

I don't have a girlfriend. Then what is Jazmine? Where did that thought come from?

Shit. I was an idiot.

"Why? Why don't you think we could work?" she asks. "We're not having this conversation Jazmine" I tell her again. I see her eyes lower and she says, "Are we not even besties anymore?"

I exhale, see Caesar stand up, feel my smirk, and I say, "I was just reminded by my girlfriend that you're more or less my height, same with your weight, I know you can fight well, so don't pull that it's going to take you more than half an hour to learn to move on your own and."

I know I heard her inhale, along with several others, look over at my brother, and see him looking at me with that raised eyebrow, remembering how much I have to make up for, that exchange we started right now, not having talked about our parents since he stopped asking, before we moved here, probably because I would say I didn't want to talk about them when my brother who wasn't even five years old would ask, and hope I can make up for all that I put him through.

I exhale, looking at my brother, and say, "Your mildly better at not falling on your ass on these than I am so you should teach them how to move forward in these and then I'll teach them how to actually put some speed behind it."

I see his mouth open, I exhale, and say, "Riley." I see him smirk that idiot smirk, hear him say something that ends in 'damn McHater', see him look at them, and hear him start instructing them.

I feel that hand go through my own, look down at her, see that small braid on the side of her head holding down that thick soft afro, see that smirk, feel my smirk knowing she's having whatever assumptions she is, and she says, "You just called me your girlfriend in front of our friends and I saw that cute blush when you said it and you've only ever called me your girlfriend in front of jerks that were trying to ask me out."

I exhale through my nose, see her giggle, feeling my smirk, know she's right, hear them start moving away and cursing, and know if it's been this damn hard to call her my girlfriend in front of people we know, people we consider friends, I have no right calling her that to fucken idiots or touching her, or kissing her, just like I don't kiss her in front of people, hardly touch her unless it's under that table, and hold her hand only when it suits me, when I want to get her away from fucken idiots that mean nothing or I simply feel like holding her hand, and she deserves more than that, and I want us to work.

So, hearing them ask her a question, seeing her turn to her friends, I know what I have to do, what I want to do, because it needs to start with me, knowing she will more than likely not only remain beautiful but will always give me time and space, will only ask for and accept whatever it is I can give, and will not push me unless it's to rest. And those particles are making me delusional thinking she's also the reason I could one day believe people can fall in love, I could fall in love, and I'm hoping I do.

But first, I have to make up for the lost time, including the lost chances she's given me to kiss her, touch her, hold her hand, and do what others would deem 'affectionate', what even my younger brother does more of than I do, my friends far more than even that, and I've wanted to do regardless of how I view this world.

So, hearing that voice telling them about how many times she fell learning how to ice skate, I go down, kiss that warm cheek, hear her inhale, hear her friend's stop talking, see that red on those cheeks, and say, "I'm going to go help. Hang out and I'll be back."

I see her nod with that 'o' shaped mouth I'll make sure to come back and kiss in no more than five minutes, feel my smirk, see that face turn to me, that tint covering her entire face, and I hear her whisper, "Okay boyfriend. Hurry because I want more kisses because that's how you show me how you feel and I wanna keep giving you hope that one day you'll know all that other stuff, the if and how stuff, and I'm not gonna give up helping you with that."

I know people are listening somewhere but they're trusted friends and I say, "I hope you don't because it'll be that Jazmine head that makes me believe that."

And because I want to, I go back down, kiss that chin, hear the giggling, roll my eyes, stand up straight, see that smile possibly get bigger, squeeze that small hand, let it go, and turn around.

And, I shake my head, seeing them. I exhale, moving toward to them, hearing them cackling, the swearing that only happens when we're all together, get to them, see Caesar look at me, hearing my brother saying something about not falling on their asses, and shake my head, knowing even if they can fight, it's going to take more than hope to get them to stop falling on their asses.

But I can start with that insignificant amount of hope that is telling me not only will my trusted friends stop falling on their asses on this hard ice today but I will continue protecting her and anyone else that means anything to me and as unlikely as it is, that insignificant amount of hope will one day possibly, maybe, lead me to believing the if and how's that Jazmine head believes. But for now, I can look forward to putting more of those marks on that neck in exactly two hours and forty five minutes.


Yo,

Done for now, but you'll know I'm already working on the next one. I hope it wasn't traumatizing for anyone and hope to hear what you all thought.

Thank you as always.

Bulma's Ego.