Then

December 2016

He'd become a different person- changed for the worse if you could believe it. She thought she'd seen a change in him before but he was almost unrecognizable anymore.

Because of "work" he missed Thanksgiving and when he finally walked through the door on the heel of Christmas she made the untimely decision to bring up his relationship with Abbie again. But it only afforded her more distance, more fights and more brutally long nights. Sleepless and full of tears.

With time and intimacy they agreed to both put effort into trying to reconnect with one another, but as it turned out they couldn't. Their sex life took a hit. More often than not he started using her for his own pleasure. And when it was over he treated her like she didn't even exist. He would mix it up too. Sometimes they would make love and it was soft, and sweet like it used to be, other times it was hard and rough. Punishing even. That was always the hardest to endure. She felt like it was his way of taking Dominic out on her. That he was somehow trying to hurt her for being so careless. It would feel like he was blaming her. And if it wasn't that, (she had to come up with other explanations to avoid insanity) if he wasn't blaming her, then he was angry with her. Her love. Her existence. Her failure as a wife.

She never once told him to stop though. People have different ways of grieving. If he wanted to hate her, she didn't mind. She hated herself too. She'd look at the bruises he put on her and laugh. There was a time when she wore them proudly. When she looked forward to them. They were little trophy's of a job well done. They were both passionate lovers. Sex was usually rough and dominating for them both. But everything felt so different after losing the baby. She yearned and ached for tenderness, but all he did was hurt her even more.

She had to admit, in the beginning it had been her idea to tone things down a bit. She hadn't been in the mood or so believing in his love for her in the immediate weeks following her release from the hospital but a few months down the line she found herself wanting and needing him more and more. Of course by then it was too late. He was frustrated, tired and fed up from waiting. And now he was a world away, and she couldn't seem to find him. They were coexisting. And somehow they became strangers that knew each other very well.

Olivia closed her eyes feeling David's dick kiss her clit with every move of his hips. Their fluids melded together made the contact sticky and slippery so that her fingers got lost every time she tried to play with herself.

Not that she would've orgasmed if she could. Her libido was all over the place. And more often then not they had sex to please him instead of each other.

Nonetheless, her puffy pink pussy lips were just as swollen as ever as David stroked the full length of his cock inside her. With one hand he had her head pulled back taught as he cradled her in his arms. Her neck in full view for him to kiss and suck and bite. While the other massaged her breasts and the rest of her body.

She winced feeling herself bruise against the counter top in their bathroom. Each time he thrusted inside her, he sent her hips deep into the marble. Usually her body was strong enough to take him and protect herself from his weight, but her muscles were like jelly anymore. All she had for support was the mirror and it was hard to hold onto.

Greedily he reached for her breasts and squeezed them. Twisted her nipples, gripped her throat, played with her clit until he finally finished. "We should go to the condo for dinner tonight." He told her as he fumbled with his belt. Her body still shaking from the aftershocks of his orgasm. And pathetically her heart skipped a beat at the thought of getting to spend a little time with him that didn't include her head up against the wall or her legs spread.

"That would be nice," she responded, as she fixed her shirt, finally turning around to look at him. He was standing in the bathroom trying to freshen up with Dominic's nursery hovering behind him like a shadow. That was the other thing to go.

He was no longer sensitive about the subject, nor did he care to know how she was getting by. They never talked about the baby, and for him it was like Dominic didn't exist. In his mind it was like you cancel the problem, you cancel the fall out. He had officially resigned from giving a shit which honestly was most hurtful of all.

Since he got back all he did was treat her like something he invested in by mistake. A bad business proposition that he didn't want to be reminded of. He accounted his success to how well he could disentangle himself from ruin. Why would their marriage be any different? To him, any and all contracts were disposable. "Nothing is concrete, but the moment, Olivia." That was his favorite thing to say to her. Her clit used to jump at how powerful it sounded, but now those very words pushed her into a box. With a lock. And a key.

She blinked away the tears in her eyes, ignoring the bile in her throat, and took a shower so they could go out. For the occasion she slipped into a short cocktail number she'd been saving for when they finally did start trying to move on. It was silver and shimmery. Her back would be completely exposed.

She imagined his hand running up and down her spine in the night. He at last, touching her out of love instead of want. Fickle as things were, she still desired on some level to make him happy. To be the blossoming, doting, head over heels in love, wife she was when they first married. Even though things were rough between them, she did on some level still love him fiercely. And she did want things to get better but it was hard. She wasn't as strong as she used to be since losing the baby. In her heart, she felt like she failed the two most important people in her life. And that fact psychologically tore her apart. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't seem to make things right, or forgive herself, or get him to believe in how good they used to be.

Most days he was completely uninterested in spending time with her, or having a conversation. But then every once and a while she'd catch a glimpse of him staring at her longingly from afar. Or he'd spontaneously come and hold her just because. He could love her just as fiercely as he did in the beginning so she held on. Hoping. Waiting for him to climb out of his shell. Waiting was hard though and the depression she experienced on the day to day was other worldly. And it didn't help that she was over sleeping her mornings, going to work and coming home exhausted. No matter what, it seemed like she couldn't win. So tonight she wanted things to be really special.

She put on her makeup. - Careful to powder up his finger prints along her arm and neck, and met him downstairs.

For dinner they went back to their old condo, where a private table for two was waiting for them in the restaurant that they owned. As per usual the place was booked full, so their intimacy was encouraged and she had a mind to test that.

"You're not drinking?" He asked after she ordered a soda.

"No, I don't want to get caught up and fall asleep on you." Or puke, she thought blankly. She hadn't been able to keep anything down for the last week and she didn't want to be bothered with any surprises tonight.

His expression was thick and heavy on her. "I'll follow my wife then. Just a Coke please," he told the waiter. Then when she walked away he said, "I'm proud of you."

She tilted her head forward asking him without saying anything, not to go there. But all he did was shove his eyebrows to the top of his head.

As he should've.

He had no right on any level to comment about any part of her drinking habits. How she chose to repair herself after their loss was none of his business. Her history, and the way she managed how to take care of herself shouldn't be his concern. The last thing she needed was her husband accusing her of being an alcoholic- on top of everything else.

"So I've been thinking," she told him. Just that fast shoving the topic of her drinking under the table. "Maybe we should go on our honeymoon."

"What?" He frowned.

"You and I never got the chance to have that time together. And the new year is coming up so my holiday season will recycle. We could pack up and leave whenever you want. Go someplace special. Just the two of us." He didn't respond so she added her hand over his across the table. "I think it would be good for you and me. We could talk, and we could plan, and we could go out more."

He pulled away. "I have too much work to do. Now's not really a good time."

"It can't wait?" She asked softly, flashing a small smile, hoping to loosen him up a bit, even bravely getting a little closer so she could hold him. His little lean back to keep away failed to go unnoticed though, and she couldn't hide that his small movement hurt her.

"No."

She nodded gently as if she understood. "Oh."

"I'm pressing forward with a new portfolio. Maybe in a few more months."

She swallowed, bravely holding back the tears that were suddenly and unexplainably sitting in her throat. "I'm worried about you, and I'm worried about us-"

"Don't. Everything's going to be fine. I promised you that. This time next year, things will be different for us. You'll see."

He said it as if he was so sure, and she found comfort in that but his demeanor didn't extend past the gesture.

"With the way things have been between you and I, it's hard for me to imagine anything past the moment," she told him. He gave her a look that made her feel like he knew exactly what she was talking about, and she saw it as an opportunity to really try and reach him. "You've been different with me, and I just want you to know that if there's something going on, or something you need to get off your chest," she swallowed, her body already instinctively stinging thinking about what he could say, "You can tell me, David. Whatever it is, I'll always love you. No matter what."

His fiery red eyes turned to glass, before he dismissed them.

"I just-" He started. "I just have so much anger," he croaked.

She blinked, throwing her hand on his shoulder. Grateful at least that it was something she could handle. "I have anger too," she told him, surprising herself when her voice cracked.

"No you don't. You have no idea what I'm-

He stopped mid sentence, his exhausted eyes tearing from hers to look behind her. Don was approaching them. Her gaze widened and she was taken back by the elder retiree, dressed for nightlife as he approached them.

"I thought I saw you two sitting cozy in the back." He smiled sharply.

"What are you doing here?" She asked with sarcastic curiosity.

"Trying to keep busy outside my apartment," he said as he shook hands with David. "I'm glad I ran into you guys, I've been meaning to visit."

Olivia leaned in closer when he said that. Ever since she found out the truth about her attacker from Mike Logan of all people, she'd felt differently about her old Captain. She expected to hear the truth from him, but instead he had swept it under the rug like everyone else and kept her in the dark. She hadn't forgot about that. If this was his attempt to redeem himself she was all ears.

But instead of bringing up that fateful night all he did was talk about his new timeshare and tell stories about Munch and his latest conspiracy theory. She started to work up the nerve to confront him but one whiff of his cologne paralyzed her until she was forced to get up from the table and go to the bathroom.

It took longer than she expected and by the time she came out Don was just leaving. She started walking back when she saw him pull out a manilla envelope from his breast pocket and slide it to David. Who then proceeded to hide it in his chest.

The two men seemed to argue for a minute, with David winning the last word. By then Olivia was so intrigued by what the hell was going on, she walked back over to them to get the facts.

"What's going on?" She asked both of them.

"Nothing, Liv. Don was just leaving." He picked up his drink to have a sip but remembering he'd only ordered Coke put a stale look on his face. So he quickly ordered a Vodka instead from the nearest waiter.

Don paternally placed a hand on her shoulder. "Keep in touch, will ya?" He tilted his chin up at her and then walked away.

Immediately after, without warning David got up from the table and towered above her. "Let's just go. I'm tired and I want to go home."

She blinked at him. "We didn't even eat."

"Send something to the house then. I don't care. I just don't want to be here another minute." He walked out on her, exasperated by the whole thing, leaving her absolutely stunned.

Suffice to say the ride home was equally as emotionally jarring.

When she finally worked up the nerve to ask him about the envelope he had looked her straight in the eye and lied.

"I saw the envelope," she told him.

He shifted in his seat as if he were annoyed by that. As if he were trying to put even more distance between them.

"I don't want to talk about it." He muttered, holding a finger at his temple and over his upper lip, while he navigated the streets.

"How long are you going to keep doing this to me?" She asked softly, feeling her eyes start to sting. "How long are you going to keep punishing me, pushing me out, holding things in?"

He glanced over at her, and she quickly wiped her eyes, not wanting him to see how emotional she was. He was silent a long time, but then he responded. "A few weeks ago while I was book keeping, I noticed a flux of income on a larger case. And when I looked into it, I found reason to believe one of my Attorneys accepted a bribe. I had Don look into it as a PI."

Her head hung forward. "Why couldn't you just have told me that?"

"I didn't realize I needed to."

He was being intentionally short with her, so she let it go, but it didn't make her feelings hurt any less. The old David would have jumped at any opportunity to prove himself to her, and now it was like he didn't care one way or the other. Her stomach curled as she thought about how different he'd become since she lost the baby, but the only thing that had kept her from throwing up all over dashboard was remembering the first few weeks when he'd brought her home. He never left her side. Never. Not once. She had been the one to push him away.

All he ever asked of her was to stay home, and she refused.

As upset as she was, she knew better than anyone there was no one to blame but herself.

By the time they got home, she'd completely lost her appetite. All she wanted to do was go inside, take off the dress she'd saved and get in bed. Her bones and her whole body ached and she wanted to crawl up next to him and just be in his arms. Apologize maybe. Try and figure out a way to make it right. To make it up to him.

But as she unbuckled her seat belt, she realized he wasn't coming with her.

"You're not coming in?" She asked, staring at him.

"No, you go. I want to get this settled before morning."

"I'm not tired, I can take a ride with you." She offered.

"No it's work. I don't know how long it's going to take." He pressed. His tone cutting into her with painful precision.

But she refused to give up. "So I'll hang out in the office." She tried again. "I can get comfortable on the sofa. I promise, I won't try and distract you. You can get your work done and we can just be together."

He finally gave her the courtesy of eye contact, and pushed all of his frustration into the steering wheel. "Liv it's going to be a long night. I really want you to stay here. Relax. Stay off your feet for a bit. When I get back we can do whatever you want."

She shouldn't have been sensitive about it. After all she had spent the better half of her life alone. She didn't understand why now things were different.

"It's different because you don't want to give up on your life," Lindstrom quipped the next day.

She leaned forward on her knees and wiped her hands over her face. She was exhausted to the bone. If she were honest, she hadn't had a decent sleep since she'd been pregnant. And she hadn't felt this sick to her stomach since Elliot left. It felt like her whole world was collapsing in on her. And no matter how hard she tried she couldn't catch a break. Everyday it was the same game. The same fight to survive.

But she didn't want to do that anymore. She wanted to live. Surviving wasn't enough.

David gave her a taste of what that life could be like and Lindstrom was right. She didn't want to give up on it.

"I'm afraid that if I do, I'll regret leaving and breaking things off. And I'll always wonder, if I had just stayed…if things would've gotten any better. People go through things all the time and they stick together. That's marriage. It's just-" she shrugged coming to a loss for words. "I didn't expect it to tear me apart like this. I thought I was done suffering for my flaws and my mistakes….I just- I don't understand it," she sniffled. "Nothing I ever love turns out to be mine. Someway or another I lose it. It's taken from me. And I don't know how much more of that I can take."

"Olivia this isn't payment or punishment for all the mistakes you made or had no control over. It's just a moment in the thick of things. A week from now things will be different. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally."

"They're not going to be different. There isn't going to be different. Not unless he starts talking to me, and he's….so far away. I just want him to come back to me."

"Well I won't lie to you. I have concerns about his change in behavior. Obviously it would be a conflict of interest for me to see him but I know some great guys who could help. As for your qualms about losing…life has a funny way of surprising you when you least expect it."