Many blessings to you and your loved ones during this difficult time.
x
Confidence and Control
Chapter 27: A Balancing Act
Mildred awoke early the next morning, feeling strangely well-rested. But her room was colder than ever as the icicles from bleak mid-winter weather settled on her window panes and made her breath appear as frozen mist. She hopped around her room trying to avoid frostbite as she rolled up her tights and placed on her uniform. She grinned to herself, remembering that she could transfer straight into the hall with no audience at this time in the morning. Tensing her muscles, she appeared mid-hop and had to do a little dance in order to regain her balance.
Hecate looked over from her bowl of porridge, rolling her eyes.
"You will revisit your room, re-do your hair, straighten your uniform - actually place your gymslip on the right way, before returning Mildred Hubble. All by walking..." she added as Mildred went to transfer.
Mildred went to argue, but was cut off, "Do not test my patience at this hour in the morning Mildred, or I will be adding to your detention."
Mildred huffed and glared as she stalked out of the hall.
xxx
Mildred waited for her friends to ready themselves before returning to the hall once more. When she entered the room, there were more than a few students staring interestedly as rumours of the incident with Ethel had clearly been spread, and it took all of Mildred's might not to disappear on the spot, knowing that would fuel their interest more. Ethel stared from next to Felicity and Mildred caught her gaze warily, wondering if she would find anger there, but instead finding her irises unreadable.
Feeling suddenly ill, Mildred helped herself to her porridge, noticing that Miss Hardbroom had already left for her morning prep. Why couldn't she have waited? Mildred thought crossly.
Sitting at the table, Mildred pushed her porridge around disinterestedly, feeling sick and desperate to leave. Maud and Enid were making small-talk about what Mildred had missed in lessons, but Mildred could barely hear them.
Leaving most of the porridge, she left the table. She knew Miss Hardbroom would be expecting her in the potions' lab, but she couldn't face her just yet, couldn't face her somehow knowing that she hadn't eaten properly. Instead she transferred out side, where the air seemed suddenly more breathable. She began to walk, not really caring that she was wearing her school-boots and didn't have her coat with her, the icy breeze helping to numb her overactive mind.
xxx
Hecate cut up bamboo stems with more force than she intended. Where was the wretched girl?
She glared at a particularly hard to slice stem, before it yielded under her increased effort. Neurones were firing all over her body, her tense muscles feeling even tenser. Her anger intensifying as each minute passed.
Finally giving in, she placed the stalks to one side and transferred into the hall, not really caring if she would be making a scene by dragging Mildred by her ear.
She looked around the room looking for a gangly teen with plaited hair. She wasn't there.
Maud and Enid stared at their teacher nervously as she approached, "She's not here Miss." "We don't know where she went," they said simultaneously.
Hecate stared at them, eyebrow raised, knowing instinctively they were telling her the truth.
She reappeared in Mildred's room finding it empty. Frustration cursed at her as she knew she would have to perform the spell that would make her headache worse. That girl! Closing her eyes, she tensed her brain, fired her nerves, grasping and feeling for Mildred's magical signature. She was far away, somewhere cold, somewhere that caused her signature to smell ever so slightly of pine needles.
The woods. Of course she would be out of bounds.
She disappeared through the void again and appeared rather silently amidst the trees, behind Mildred. The girl's bones were clearly shaking from cold, her improved diet not quite adding enough flesh back onto the girl yet.
"Mildred Hubble," Hecate hissed, the white-hot fury in her voice tickling the back of the girl's neck.
In true Mildred style, the girl gave a little squeal in surprise and then proceeded to miss her footing on a branch ahead, falling into some thorn bushes which caught on her uniform. She tried to get to her feet, but the more she tried the more entangled she became. She looked at Hecate rather helplessly.
"Oh for goodness' sake girl!"
Hecate extended a cold hand to pull the girl up, noticing as she did that the thorns had cut through her tights, causing a blooded hole and created prick marks against her right cheek, which Mildred must have felt as she placed her hand to her face and looked in horror at the blood she had smeared.
Wordlessly Hecate manoeuvred her to the nearest wide horizontal branch and sat the now shaking and whimpering girl down. Kneeling before her, she took out an ointment of some kind and began dabbing at her knee, causing a cooling sensation which seemed to simultaneously both soothe and burn, but appeared to instantly stop the bleeding. Never one to miss out on a teaching opportunity, despite how cross she was currently feeling, she scooped a small amount on to the end of Mildred's finger.
"Identify it," she ordered silkily, as she began to dab at the girl's face, harshly caressing the marks and ignoring the girl's wincing and if she were being honest with herself, finding it rather satisfying in her current mood.
Mildred stared at her teacher for a couple of seconds, realising she was serious. She dropped her gaze to the small flecks of gold, "Goldenrod?" she mumbled, trying to ignore the pain of Hecate's long nails scraping against her wounds.
"Alongside yarrow and calendula," Hecate supplemented, "Not ever to be mixed up with a basic marigold, despite their rather similar appearances," she added.
Mildred waited bracingly for Hecate to finish, and when the woman finally stood up to her full height, she waited for the severe reprimand for being out of bounds without even her coat, for the state of her uniform, for not being in the lab. But her bated breath was wasted, it didn't come.
"You're going to be late for Spell Science," Hecate told her once she had placed the ointment back into her inside pocket. Mildred looked up and winced, knowing that Hecate wasn't just cross with her. She was furious.
xxx
Mildred sat in her first lesson of the day, stomach rumbling angrily as she did her best to concentrate.
She was partly dreading, partly wanting, it to be the afternoon and double potions.
She hated this, hated not being able to explain herself and hated being on the wrong side of Miss Hardbroom. I needed to breathe. It sounded such a pathetic excuse.
Making notes quietly, she noticed that again Ethel Hallow seemed to be glancing her way a lot more than usual. However, unusually, her gaze seemed mild and not laced with any of her usual anger.
At lunchtime, Mildred ate her sandwich with a real sense of vigour and concentrated on not looking up at the teachers' table, though she felt dark eyes upon her, watching, analysing, checking.
xxx
Afternoon came and Mildred filed into the potions' lab with the rest of her class.
"Truth serums," Miss Hardbroom announced. "Any recipe, without textbooks," she added dangerously to the girls that had optimistically placed their books on their desks. "I will be splitting you into partners," she informed them, "It is important for trust and teamwork to develop amongst coven members."
She made a sweeping movement with her hand, causing her perfectly copperplate handwriting to appear on the chalkboard.
Mildred stared up in horror, she had been paired with Ethel.
She glared at Miss Hardbroom accusingly, but the woman simply stared deftly back, challenging.
"Time is of the essence," she told her class, "You may begin."
Moodily, Mildred moved towards Ethel's workbench. Ethel had already begun collecting ingredients and wordlessly handed Mildred some basil stems to chop, clearly establishing that it would be her who was in charge.
Mildred glared a little, but accepted the job and the role.
When finished, she went to the ingredients table to peruse. She trailed her hands through the different cuttings, enjoying the feel of them against her hands until she found to her astonishment a plant that she recognised at once from its dark green sprigs and slightly acidic smell- limbus grass. She grabbed handfuls of the plant excitedly.
"Ethel," she told the girl who was stirring the cauldron at a steady but precise pace.
"Limbus grass - look," Ethel stared at the girl.
"I doubt Miss Hardbroom would make it so easy for us," she raised a brow, knowing what Mildred was insinuating, "You're mistaken Mildred."
"Its exactly the same as one I once collected and drew in my sketchbook, I would know it anywhere, it has to be!" Mildred replied, she lowered her voice, "I wouldn't put it past her to see if anyone would catch on.."
"Mildred you're honestly asking me to throw away what is working out to be a pretty much perfect potion on some of whim of yours?" Ethel said as scathingly as she could manage, yet Mildred could see doubt in her eyes as she stared at the plant Mildred proffered.
"It's not a whim Ethel!"
"My grades matter to me Mildred," Ethel told her haughtily.
"They matter to me too, I haven't got a perfect grade record to fall back on, but trust me Ethel. It is limbus grass - I know it is."
Ethel sighed, "If this is wrong Mildred will you please admit that I tried to talk you out of it?"
"I'll take full responsibility," Mildred nodded in acceptance of Ethel's terms.
xxx
Hecate moved around the classroom smoothly, enjoying the bated breath of her students who were awaiting her approval. Her class' efforts so far had been rather average, verging on dismal with some teams: serums that would theoretically work (she refused to test them and instead used a charm to detect their potencies) but many would have clear side-effects like hiccupping, sneezing and in Felicity and Enid's case, nervous hives. She had disappointment etched on her face as she moved towards Mildred and Ethel. She noticed Mildred barely looked at her and instead kept her gaze down. She refused to acknowledge how that made her feel.
"What do you two have to show me?" Hecate queried, business-like as usual and doing her best not to let in any of the irritation she felt towards Mildred.
Ethel kept strangely silent and glanced sideways at Mildred, who looked up but kept her gaze glazed.
"Limbus-grass - a reduction with a blend of caraway seeds for indigestion and dock leaves to counter act the rash that some people get from taking it," she said in a small voice.
Hecate raised her eyebrow, impressed that the rare ingredient had been recognise and that the girls had gone one step further.
"You are confident that your potion will work?" Hecate asked tryingly.
Mildred shrugged, "You're always telling me to have more confidence," she said in an even smaller voice so that the rest of the class couldn't overhear, Ethel looked at Mildred, eyes narrowed.
Hecate gave a brisk nod. "It was limbus-grass, I was expecting more to recognise it." She looked around her classroom accusatorily. "Your addition of the other two ingredients was quite inspired - I am guessing that was you Ethel Hallow?"
"Yes Miss Hardbroom," Ethel nodded, a smile of triumph on her face.
"It is good to see that my advice has not quite gone to waste," Hecate said quietly and looked between the two. She used a pipette to take some of the potion from the cauldron and flicked her wrist before her hand hovered before the liquid, her eyes closed momentarily. "This potion will work quite well if truth is desired," Hecate told the girls, approval dripping into her voice. "95% - I would recommend fennel rather than caraway in the future as it is even less of an allergen."
Mildred grinned at Ethel - 95% - she could pretty much guarantee she would now pass potions this term. Pass with a pretty high percentage! Ethel grinned back, exuberant that her faultless record was now even stronger.
Hecate refused to let any feelings she had about seeing the girl happy show upon her face, but was slightly thankful that the girl still avoided looking at her.
xxx
Mildred remained seated as the rest of her class left, her jubilance in achieving such a great mark faltering slightly as she finally looked up at Hecate sitting imposingly at her desk.
Hecate sighed, the dragon sigh again as she raised her head to Mildred, "I don't know if I even dare ask for an explanation of this morning." She shook her head at the girl. "Do you even realise how much you worry me? Doing silly, reckless things. What if something had happened to you Mildred? You seem to just expect me to constantly appear to vanquish away any problems." She looked at Mildred, who had the decency to look abashed. "A witch does not rely on other witches, Mildred," she stared piercingly.
"I don't mean to rely on you.. I just..." Mildred faltered.
"Just what? Just think that rules don't apply to you..."
"That's not it - I.."
"Just think that you can do whatever you like, have the run of the place, because you're to be my Goddaughter? I hope you realise the expectations that will be placed on you, the standard that will be expected when word gets out of our relationship. You're to aspire to be the very best example of a Cackles girl Mildred... Not flouting rules in a way that if Miss Cackle had found you would have got you into much more trouble than you're in. Perhaps I should tell Miss Cackle.. Let her deal with you instead of me protecting you all of the time.." Hecate seethed. "Well?" she continued, "I asked you why and you've yet to answer. The truth now Mildred."
"I I don't - I just - I can't explain it..." she said frustratedly. Truth - my potion, Mildred realised, she grabbed the vial that Hecate had previously tested and drank it, the taste bitter on her tongue as she felt the slightly woozy effect take control of her body.
"Mildred!" Hecate exclaimed, furious, "What in Morgana's name do you think you are doing!?"
"I'm telling the truth," Mildred murmured. "This way you can be sure." She met Hecate's eyes with trepidation, wishing in that moment she had taken a courage potion instead. "You asked me why, Miss. The truth is I don't really know why I do some of the stupid things I do.. I just couldn't take everybody looking at me that morning, like I was some kind of freak for not being able to control my magic like they can, for learning how to transfer. I wanted, needed, to calm myself down.. Rather than be a burden on you again."
"A burden - do you think so little of me?" Hecate gasped. "That I would think you a burden."
Mildred winced, wishing she had been clearer, "I could never think badly of you - that's not what I mean." She bit her lip, hoping she had done the right thing in taking the potion. She tried again:
"You're one of the most important people in my life, Miss Hardbroom. You're like my second mother - my magical mother. But I don't want you to have to keep fighting every battle for me, or even with me - when you've done enough already."
Hecate took an inward breath as some of her anger dissipated at Mildred's annoyingly frank explanation, at her freckled face grimacing like this was a painful conversation. Part of her wanted to snap at her still, to tell her she sounded ungrateful, impudent and selfish, but she knew deep-down that that was not the truth of how Mildred was feeling. The girl was fourteen years old, fourteen and with a heart of gold. She was still working out how to deal with the complex thoughts swirling around her mind and Hecate knew from her own experience, that that could only be done by Mildred herself, however much she wanted to help her.
"Are you asking for more independence?" Hecate pursed her lips thoughtfully.
Mildred bowed her head before pulling a face, "Not because I don't want you - I think I'll need you regardless - but when you're constantly checking up on me I feel like I'm constantly disappointing you. Sometimes my head is screaming at me, and I'm so scared I'll end up taking it out on you and that would make me feel even worse. You don't deserve that. You deserve me when I want to be with you, not just to deal with me when I need you."
Hecate sighed. Suddenly feeling ridiculous so far away from the girl she transferred smoothly into the seat next to hers. She cupped the girl's cheek. Wishing words would come, she suddenly found herself with a vial of potion in her hand, that she had not meant to summon. "Only fair," she nodded as she downed the vial briskly. Mildred's eyes widened.
Hecate felt her posture slump slightly, feeling the effects tingle through and relax her upright body, making it seem so easy, so natural to speak from her heart for once. "Mildred.. you clearly have not understood quite the depth of affection for you that has grown within in me the last few months - quite how much I've grown to love you as my own. You - Mildred Hubble, will only ever disappoint me when you endanger yourself by not thinking. If you needed time, you should have told me. I'm a grown woman, I can handle a teenager's mood swings without feeling rejected if that is what you are afraid of." She caught the tear that had dripped down Mildred's cheek. "We all need a bit of time to deal with ourselves sometimes Mildred, you shouldn't be ashamed of that."
Mildred looked into Hecate's eyes, gaining comfort from seeing her teacher no longer angry. "I want to be better - honestly I do Miss Hardbroom. I want to be the witch you believe I can be..."
"And you will Mildred, how could you not be?" Hecate chortled, "You I don't make it a habit to be wrong..."
"I'm sorry - I'm sorry if I made you worry," Mildred said quietly.
"I know you are...Next time you will tell me that you need to slip away? A location spell? So I know exactly where you have gone . And you will at least make sure you wear proper shoes? And take an appropriate cloak?" Hecate looked sternly into the girl's eyes.
"I don't know the spell," Mildred admitted in a small voice.
"Then it's a good job you have detention tonight. We will begin once you have scrubbed each cauldron of any residue..." Hecate told the girl pointedly, who had the audacity to grin through her tears.
