In spite of Blaze's comments about the budget and overall lack-of-effort that generally went into SSH's Spring dance, the committee, under the expert guidance of Bunnie Rabbot, had gone all out. A Sadie-Hawkins dance was a hard sell in 2020, but SSH loved their traditions, so the team had their work cut out for them trying to build up enough excitement. They'd decided to lean into the old-school element and had come up with a Vintage Valentine theme. They'd hung up canvases painted with pale pink hearts around the hall, draped warm-toned fairy lights across the walls, and scattered sugar-coloured confetti around the table. There were printed pictures of retro Valentine's cards stuck up on the walls - chibi chaos with big bright eyes holding oversized hearts. Maria had gone all out with the theme, of course, but all of the girls had found a shawl of some sort, or had curled their hair and pinned it back in a vanguely vintage manner. The boys were wearing suits accompanied by waistcoats or jaunty hats. From my spot at the wall, I could take it all in at a safe distance …
The girls had other ideas.
"Amy, come and dance with us!" Cream cried, waving me over to the spot in the middle of the room where she, Tikal, and Cosmo were jumping up and down to a Dua Lipa track.
I shook my head, to no avail. Within seconds the girls had surrounded me, trying to pull me out onto the floor.
"Guys, I am not stepping out there in this dress!" I said, crossing my arms defensively across my exposed chest. It was alright for the rest of them. Cosmo, Cream, and Tikal were wearing vaguely flapper-esque dresses. Maria was wearing a gorgeous flared number, with a petticoat and a cropped pea-style linen jacket. Blaze was wearing a ruffled tea dress. Rouge was wearing a red dress with a long slit, looking like a glamorous movie-star from the 70s.
Maria had offered me one of her dresses that she didn't mind me altering. She'd gotten very generous with her clothes lately, coming into school with a different blouse or skirt that she wanted one of us to take because it didn't fit her anymore. But Rouge was having none of it. I was wearing one of her black dresses - backless, clingy, low cut, and showing far too much leg for my liking.
"Your legs are really toned." Rouge marvelled as I stripped down to my underwear, getting ready to try on the dresses she'd picked out. "What's your secret?"
"I've been running lately." I said. "Sonic's been-"
I stopped when I saw the smirk on her face.
"I see. Well, then how about we show him how his work's paid off."
"You look fine," Blaze said.
"It's very Holly Golightly," Maria added. I stared blankly at her. "Breakfast at Tiffany's? Audrey Hepburn? Were you even paying attention when we watched it at my house - ?"
"Audrey Hepburn did not have her tits on full display during that movie!" I hissed.
"I would have paid more attention if she had," Tikal muttered. "It was really boring - "
"We're getting distracted," Rouge said. "Has anyone seen Sonic?"
"I don't want - "
"He's talking to Silver - " Cosmo said, oh-so-helpfully.
"Let's go!" Rouge said, grabbing hold of my shoulder, ready to push me forwards.
"I'm not going anywhere." I protested, wrapping my arms protectively around myself.
"You know," Maria said thoughtfully whenever you cross your arms like that … it draws more attention to your boobs."
My arms shot to my sides, my face burning. "I knew that this dress was too - "
"Not much more so than the one you wore at New Year's!"
And look how that turned out. I thought bitterly, remembering my panic attack. I took a sip of punch. That Vanilla Coke and cranberry juice combination was strangely addictive.
"You know, it's probably best if you don't talk to him," Rouge said suddenly. "You have to let him do the work."
"Isn't the whole point of a Sadie Hawkins dance that the girls make the first move?" Blaze asked drily.
"That's why I said she should ask him," Rouge huffed. She eyed me disparagingly. I took another sip of my drink. We'd all decided to come as a group. It wasn't my fault …
Besides, I couldn't have asked him - even if I wanted to. We still hadn't really spoken at all.
My eyes found him standing in the corner. Silver had vanished, and he was talking to a different group, gathered together in a circle and passing around something that was sure to get them thrown out if they were caught.
(Not that I was judging. I'd had my first ever tequila shot before leaving Rouge's house for the night. It had not succeeded in elevating my mood, but I knew that she had a hip flask of vodka taped to the inside of her leg …)
Sonic was people I recognised from the halls, even though we didn't have any classes together. Jet and Wave. Sally Acorn, looking like a vision in grey chiffon. She laughed at something he said, tossing her shiny auburn hair back. He was grinning easily, his face turning -
His eyes met mine from across the room. His expression faltered. I looked away like I'd been scalded.
A new song started playing. I could tell that the freshmen girls wanted to get back out there and dance, but they contented themselves with swaying back and forth and tapping their feet against the ground. I forced myself to swallow the hard lump in my throat. I was being unfair on them, considering everything they'd done for me.
I grabbed Maria's hand and pulled her out onto the dance floor. I'd taken her by surprise, so she stumbled against my front. For an awful moment, I thought I'd broken her - she felt so thin and fragile - but she laughed it off and spun me around. The freshmen girls, giddy on Vanilla Coke and sparkling cider, jumped up and down, laughing hysterically. Rouge wiggled her hips and winked at me, gesturing towards my chest. I tried to ignore the stares I was getting, the way guys' eyes followed my body.
I was safe. I was with my friends. Nothing was going to happen.
I knew all of this … and yet …
Maria tapped my shoulder. "Sonic's looking at you," she whispered. "You should go and talk to him?"
I pretended that I hadn't heard her and moved to dance with Cosmo. All the while I imagined that I could feel his eyes on me, burning into me …
The song drew to a close and Shadow, Silver and Tails appeared. Maria threw her arms around Shadow, burying her face in his shoulder. Blaze's expression didn't change, but her eyes lit up behind her glasses and she shifted her body slightly so that she and Silver's fingers could intertwine.
"You guys look great!" Tails said. Though he was addressing all of us girls, his eyes lingered on Cosmo. She hung back, smiling shyly at him. Earlier at Rouge's she'd told us that she was nervous about tonight - it was their first school-dance together as a couple, and it was on the eve of Valentine's Day to boot.
"Love the waistcoat, Tails." I said.
Tails grinned, putting his braces on full display. "Thanks Amy! You were so right about the shoes - "
"Oxfords not brogues," I smiled. "Words to live by. Your tie's really nice too - " I gestured at the black and gold paisley print. "The colour scheme matches Cosmo's dress perfectly - you two should get a picture together!"
Cosmo gaped at me. Tikal pushed her forwards so that she bumped into Tails, who blushed at the contact. They stepped apart, awkwardly apologising, but self-consciously arranged themselves for the picture that Cream was now trying to orchestrate. In spite of their pink-cheeks, their smiles were genuine, and they sidled off together, hand in hand. Maria and Shadow had also vanished. Cream and Tikal went to talk to a couple of other freshmen. I had a sinking feeling as I realised that I was going to be left alone with Rouge, who had a dangerous glint in her eyes. Before she could say a word about Sonic or 'shooting my shot', I darted after Silver and Blaze who were making their way to the refreshment table.
"Amy," Silver smiled. "How are you? You look great!"
"Thanks," I said. I picked up a sprinkle-laden cupcake, so it looked like I'd had a valid reason for coming here, and it wasn't just me third-wheeling. "It's not really my thing. It's Rouge's."
"Ah," Blaze said, her eyes shining with amusement. "Is that why you're avoiding her?
I felt my face flush. "Maybe …" I muttered.
"Wait, why are you avoiding Rouge?" Silver looked confused.
Blaze's eyes flickered to meet mine, but she stayed silent, giving me the chance to explain. I hesitated. Even though the girls told me that all of the guys knew about my crush on Sonic, I hadn't spoken about it to any of them - not even Tails, who was in our groupchat. I liked the guys, and would talk to them inidvidually, but as an entity there was a different dynamic. Would word reach Sonic if I confided in them? But then I remembered how kind Silver had been to me since the very first day, helping me get to Algebra class and asking me questions about 'Game of Thrones' long-after the subject had worn out, just to make me feel a little more at ease. I also recalled his honesty with me, when we were at Sally's party and he told me about his feelings for Blaze. So much had happened since then - it felt like it was years ago. But I couldn't forget about it.
"She … wants me to talk to Sonic …"
I couldn't bring myself to elaborate, but understanding dawned in his eyes. "I see."
"And I can't talk to him."
"Why not?"
"Because … he won't talk to me."
My voice wobbled. Blaze and Silver exchanged worried looks.
"What do you mean he won't talk to you, Amy?" Blaze asked.
I told them everything - how our text exchanges had stopped, how he didn't acknowledge me in History class, even a brief account of what had happened when I went to collect Blaze's notes (leaving out the blow-up between Elias and his parents).
"Jeeze," Silver sighed. "I knew that something was up with him, but - "
"He never talks to us when something's wrong." Blaze finished.
"Exactly. None of us can ever get through to him." I saw in his expression the pain of being friends with someone for years, wanting to be there for them but being shut out. "That's why …" he trailed off, his yellow eyes on me.
"What?"
"Why we were really happy he had you to talk to. All of your runs and stuff, and I don't know, I hadn't really seen him that happy before."
"That doesn't mean anything." I said automatically, in spite of the heat that was rising up my face. "You're not suggesting - ?"
"That he likes you?" Silver smiled. "Amy, I've known Sonic since I was a kid. I've never seen him this interested in a girl before."
"I don't know if that's true …" I said. My eyes had found Sonic in the crowd, standing in a group with Nicole and Sally …
"What, Sally Acorn?" Silver blinked.
I didn't answer. I didn't want any kind of confirmation or denial of my fears ...
"I'm not the best at picking up on romantic cues," Blaze began. Silver nudged her, his eyebrows raised. She rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'm pretty terrible at it. But … I can tell when a person is important to somebody else. And I know that you're really really important to Sonic."
"And to the rest of us," Silver added.
"Of course to the rest of us!" Blaze confirmed. She smiled and then did something even more surprising - she hugged me. Blaze wasn't really comfortable with physical contact. It wasn't strictly a sexuality thing, she said, she just didn't come from a particuarly affectionate family. I sank into her embrace. She pulled away from me and giggled uncharacteristically.
"Are you okay?" I asked, amused.
"I may or may not have ever-so-slightly overdone it with the spiked punch," she said. She took a wobbly step back and Silver reached out to hold her. "Woah there, let's sit down." he said, struggling to hold back his own laughter. Our eyes met. "Go talk to him, Amy. I've never regretted telling Blaze how I felt. Even if things were a little strained at first, making the transition from being friends … it was such a relief, you know? You should open up. Both of you should."
A warm glow spread through me. "Thanks Silver."
"I also have like $10 riding on this bet, so if you could do it before the end of the night …"
"Oh go help your girlfriend!" I said, laughing despite myself. They walked off towards the benches, leaving me alone at the refreshment table. I found Sonic in the crowd, bopping his head up and down to the music. Sally was nowhere to be seen. He was wearing a white-shirt and dress-pants, like every other guy there, but the sight of him made my heart flutter and my chest ache. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to talk to him. Now, while Sally wasn't around …
I made my way through the crowd, awkwardly sidestepping past a rowdy bunch of Senior boys, and towards Sonic. But the closer I got, the louder my heartbeat seemed to become. I felt sweaty - I imagined it shining through my face, the layers of Rouge's make-up … I stopped a few feet away from him, wavering. He was looking at his phone and hand't noticed me.
Go back.
But before I could turn around, someone grabbed my arm and pulled me forwards - towards Sonic. With her other hand, Rouge pulled Sonic by the collar of his jacket. He looked up, nearly dropping his phone in surprise.
"Hey - " he began, but he stopped when our eyes met. We were standing right in front of each other. He blinked and for a split second, I thought that his eyes flickered down towards my exposed chest. My stomach twisted.
"Just talk to each other!" Rouge said.
"Rouge - "
"You can thank me later!" Rouge called over her shoulder, already walking away from us, her swaying hips drawing the attention of every guy in a twelve foot radius - apart from Sonic, who was staring at his feet.
"Um, hi." I said. My voice sounded even more anxious than I felt. "Sorry about that - "
"It's fine."
"Are you … having a good night?"
He shrugged, still not meeting my gaze. "Good enough, for a school-dance and everything."
"Yeah." I waited for him to ask about me, but he didn't. The music was too loud, and I felt too hot. This wasn't right. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. This wasn't us.
"Sorry about Rouge." I said. My eyes were stinging over. I blinked hard, and forced a sheepish smile. The song changed. "I'm going to go and find the girls."
"Amy, wait - " he looked up, finally meeting my eyes.
"Sonic!" Sally Acorn was waving him over to where she was dancing with a crowd of track team members. "This is my favourite song - come on!"
"Sorry to bother you. Have a good night!" I said, as brightly as I could manage though I felt like bursting into tears. I was gone before he could say anything else, pushing through the crowds, offering upbeat apologies, all the while trying to keep it together just long enough to get to the bathroom. Unfortuantely, when I got there, I found Blaze, Tikal, Cream, and Rouge standing around, taking swigs from Rouge's hip-flask and fixing their make-up. Rouge looked over at me as I walked in, smirk in place.
"So how'd it go?"
Furious, I turned around and walked out, ignoring Cream's shocked exclamations. If any of them came after me, I moved too quickly for them, headin straight for the glass-doors of the fire exit by the gym. I pushed them open and stepped out into the cool night air. I felt goosebumps sprout over my exposed arms, but they didn't bother me. I was angry - angry with Sonic for not talking to me, angry with Sally for being so effortlessly perfect, angry with Rouge for butting in, and angry with myself for being unable to just confront Sonic about how he'd been treating me. You didn't just do that to a person - tell them how important you were to them, and then give them the silent treatment. He was hurting over something, and just wouldn't let anyone help him.
I wished that I had a hammer, something that I could break something with. I kicked the ground instead, almost tripping over in my heels. I cursed loudly and heard a rustle from the shadows.
"Amy?"
I turned around and saw Elias Acorn, leaning against the wall of the school building. He'd been standing under an awning, shrouded in darkness, but the glow of his cigarette lit up the sillouette of his face.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I said, wincing as I stepped on my ankle. The pain surprised me, and I buckled over. Elias lurched forward and grabbed me. "Woah, woah!" he exclaimed, pulling me up from the ground. He was surprisingly strong, scooping me up into his arms and bringing me over to a bench a few feet away. I was too upset to be embarrassed, and the cloud of Elias' expensive cologne and the scent of tobacco obscured my senses. There was a third smell too, that I couldn't place right away.
"So I may have exaggerated just how fine I was," I said. "Thanks."
"Yeah, I thought so." he sat down next to me and let out a sigh. I finally got a good look at him. His shirt was rumpled, his tie loose, his hair sticking up at the back like he'd been sleeping fitfully. His eyes had dark shadows underneath them, affirming my theory. He looked awful. Nothing like the crisp, casually-dressed, and charismatic guy who'd welcomed us all to his party in his mansion.
"How about you?" I asked. "Are you ...alright?"
He didn't answer. He reached into the inner-pocket of his jacket and pulled out a hip-flask of his own - an expensive-looking steel one, rather than Rouge's hot-pink number. I finally identified the third scent. He took a swig from it and offered it to me. "Want a sip?"
I took a cautious sip, nearly choking as the liquid scalded my throat. "What is this?" I spluttered.
"Talisker. Whiskey," he added, seeing my confused expression.
"Figures," I grumbled. "You can't just fill it with vodka and mix it in a Coke like a normal person."
He grinned at that - looking, for a second, like the old Elias. "What about you? What's your poison?"
"Smirnoff Ice. Kopparberg."
"Strawberry and lime, or mixed berries?"
"Strawberry and lime."
"Ah, I see." he looked amused. "This was probably a bit much for you - "
"I didn't start drinking until the Halloween party," I said defensively. "And I've only done it a couple of times since."
"Hey, I'm not judging! Sally's a total lightweight too!" I elbowed him playfully, the alcohol already having a loosening effect on my restraint. I took a second sip, feeling more prepared for it this time.
"So do you just carry this around with you then?"
"Nah. Truth be told, I'd kill for a vodka and Coke right about now. My father just got this bottle in though, I couldn't resist swiping some." he took another sip, a longer one this time, and sighed. "I can never get through these school-things sober."
"It … doesn't seem like your usual scene. Feeling nostalgic in your Senior year?"
"Most of them have left already, if they came at all." he said. "There's a party on at Espio's."
"Oh," I paused. "Are you going to go …?"
He shrugged. "I don't know if I'm up for it. I only came here to get away from my parents." He let out a sigh. He started screwing and unscrewing the lid of his hip-flask.
He'd spoken about his parents many times, and complained about them. But I'd never heard him sound like this when he did it. He wasn't rolling his eyes or laughing at his role as the 'family rebel'. He sounded exhausted. I bit my lip. Everything I'd heard him and his parents say came back to me, but I couldn't bring that up without letting him know I'd been eavesdropping. I didn't want to upset him any further …
But then I remembered what Sonic had confided in me, about how he had a hard time asking for help. I thought about Silver, trying to hide his feelings for Blaze. Blaze's internal struggle with her sexuality. Cream's repressed trauma. Maria's heartache over her breakup with Shadow. I'd helped - or tried to help - all of those people because they'd confided in me and I'd listened. Maybe I could have done more for them - for Sonic - if I'd just asked them straight out what was wrong, and didn't stop just because I was scared of seeming like I was prying, or pushing into their business. Sometimes people needed a push. Maybe … Elias just needed an opportunity to talk about it.
"How are things with … Megan?" I said. I tried to keep my tone measured, not casual to the point where he could answer flippantly and move on, but not so seriously that he knew that I knew something was wrong. For a second, I wasn't sure if he was going to answer at all. He sat in silence for a few seconds, staring out into the darkness of the track field. He lit up another cigarette and took a long drag of it, while I waited, trying to muster up the courage to ask again. I didn't have to though.
"Megan and I broke up."
"Oh." I said, carefully, not wanting to sound insensitive by appearing too surprised. My mind was racing. Elias continued to stare out in front of him, his expression impassive. I dithered, not knowing if I should reveal what I knew … but, I decided, it was his choice. If he wanted to tell me …
"How are you feeling?"
"Fine," he said, still staring ahead.
"Really? Did - did you break up with her?"
"It was for the best." he said.
"Better for who?" Silence. "You … didn't actually answer my question." More silence. I was practically shaking with nerves, but I felt like I had to press on. "Elias - look, I know that we don't know each other all that well, not really … But I'll never forget how kind you were to me at the New Year's party. I know what your parents are like - just from what you've told me." I didn't dwell on the white-lie, but quickly kept talking. "If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. If you want."
There was a tremor in his jaw, from the effort he was making to clench it, keep it together. But the cigarette fell from his mouth onto the cold damp tarmac below us as his entire face crumpled.
"Megan's pregnant." he whispered, still not looking at me, still staring out into the darkness as though he were searching for an answer out there. "It's all my fault."
He let out a sob. I moved closer to him, making soothing sounds. Truth be told, I was mildly disturbed - it was so unsettling seeing him cry. He was two years ahead of me in school. He was rich, he was popular, he was the son of my mom's bosses.
He was hurting.
I stroked his back - I would have felt self-conscious about it, but he seemed so pitiful. He told me everything, filling in the gaps of what I knew. Megan was pregnant. His parents found out. They weren't happy about it. They wanted Megan to get an abortion. They didn't support Elias' relationship with her. They said that they wouldn't support the baby, that they'd disown Elias. It was all for his own good, the heir to the hotel empire. He didn't care about that. But he cared about Megan.
"What happened when you told her?"
"You think I pressured her to get the abortion," he said sourly. "That I'm the selfish rich-guy who won't take responsibility, right? That she's just a bit of other-side-of-the-tracks action to me?"
I felt my face flush at that, because it was precisely what I had thought for a while. "I did. But I know that's not true."
"I didn't tell her to get an abortion. I don't want her to," he said bitterly. "But I thought - there could be a way to pretend that she had. She could leave town, she has family in the city, she could keep working as a mechanic. I'll be in go to college there next year. I'd still have my family's money, so I'd be able to support her and the baby, and by the time my parents found out, well, we'd be in our twenties. We'd be adults. They'd be getting ready to retire. They wouldn't be able to do anything about it."
He spoke so earnestly. I could tell that he'd thought it all through.
"So what happened?"
"Megan, she …" he swallowed, and when he spoke again his voice was thick from tears. "She's so confident. She stands by her priciples. She knows what she believes in. Like, she truly doesn't give a single solitary fuck what other people think."
"Must be nice," I said, a weak attempt to lighten the mood.
"So she had no problem telling me what she thought about my idea."
"Does … she want to have an abortion?"
He shook his head. "She's keeping the baby. But she's refusing to go behind my parents back about it. I tried to tell her, but she said … it wasn't just about her now. She can stand up for herself. But if I'm not able to stand up for the baby, for our family then … she doesn't want me to be a part of it."
"Oh - Oh Elias, I'm so sorry." I truly didn't know what to say, so I just kept stroking his back, trying to offer him some kind of comfort, let him know that I was here in some small way.
"She doesn't understand. Like I'd lose it all - my college fund, the business, everything - "
I frowned. "I didn't think that all of that … mattered so much to you."
He laughed. " There's the fucking rub. Because I don't care about the business," he said. "Sally can have it - she'd do a better job with it then I ever would. I don't need to be rich, I don't need to live in that fucking house with it's seven fucking bathrooms. I just need Megan. And our baby. But what can I give her, really? Without my family, their money, the business - I'd have nothing. At least," he took a deep breath. "You know, at least like this - I could pay child support. Or if Megan doesn't want it, I'll put a fund together - the baby can have it when she's eighteen - or I'll leave everything to her when I retire. Everything. Megan won't be able to say no and at least I'll have done something. I'll have provided something, instead of just fucking everything up."
"Okay, enough with the self-deprecation." I said. "You don't fuck everything up."
"My parents would disagree." he mumbled.
"Well, I'm not your parents. I'm your friend." I said. "And as your friend, I can tell you that all of the stuff you said you don't need? Megan doesn't need any of it either. She has a job - her own business, in fact - and she has a supportive family. Financial security is important, but … your wealth isn't what Megan fell in love with."
"I never - "
"But you seem to think that it's your only worth! That your only value is what you're going to inherit from your family. And honestly, you're so blinded by your privileged upbringing that you can't see that other people grow up without all of that wealth and turn out fine. You know, my mom was in highschool when she had me. She didn't go to college. She didn't even have it as good as Megan does with her job, my mom made minimum wage working as a waitress. But we made it. We're fine."
He finally looked at me, his eyes shining with tears. I was more confident now, impassioned. Was I good at this? I didn't know, but I spoke honestly, from the heart.
"You talk a big game about rebellion and everything, but you're still going to keep on this path your parents have put you on. What do you actually want to do, Elias? What matters to you?"
"Megan. And …" he trailed off, suddenly bashful - was he blushing? "I want to be a writer."
"Really? I didn't know that!"
"Yeah. I've been working on a book. I know what you're thinking - don't worry. I'm not trying to write the next 'Great Novel' or anything like that. It's uh, it's a fantasy story. I actually think it could be a graphic novel, if I got someone to help with backgrounds - " he shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.
"What's wrong?"
"I've never told anyone that before. Except Megan, and well …" he sighed, his face closing up again. He put his head in his hands. "It sounds so simple when you say it, Amy. But I don't - I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to defy my parents like that. Like smoking and throwing parties is one thing, but …"
"It's … a big decision." I said slowly. "You should get a chance to think things over."
He considered the words for a minute. I waited for him to respond but he took another long sip from his flask again. As he shifted against me, I was suddenly aware of the fact that I was touching him, and how exposed I was. I adjusted my position, trying to cover up some of my exposed legs, but there was nothing that I could do about my chest. He offered me the flask and I took a sip as well. The burning sensation wasn't so unpleasant now. The drink warmed my insides. It was kind of perfect, given how cold I was. We passed the flask back and forth between us.
"Can I ask you something?" I said. They called it liquid courage for a reason.
"Go for it."
"What does Sally think of all of this?"
"Wish I knew," he shrugged. "We haven't really spoken. She's always having the girls over, or studying, or training with -"
"With Sonic." I finished, my stomach lurching again. I grabbed the flask and took another drink.
"Yeah. I was actually kind of surprised to see you out here. What's going on? I thought you two would be slow-dancing by now."
"What?" I nearly dropped the flask. "Does everyone know?"
He grinned. "So there's something to know, huh?"
I sighed. "Nothing like that. I mean. I like him."
"That much was obvious."
"I like him a lot. Not that it even matters - he doesn't do relationships, and even if he did … he wouldn't be in one with someone like me."
"What do you mean?" he sounded genuinely confused. It was my turn to ignore his questions. I took another long drink.
"Amy - Amy Rose!" he grabbed my hands unexpectedly. I looked up at him, saw his wide-eyes and slightly manic smile. The alcohol was clearly having an effect. "Now, you sat down with me and let me pour my heart out for almost half an hour, you comforted me and gave me advice, people don't just do that for random guys they don't even like that much - "
"I do like you!"
"-unless they're great people! So you, Miss Rose -" he pointed at me, "-are an excellent person, absolutely top class, and any guy would be lucky to have you!"
"You're drunk," I giggled, despite myself. "But thank you. I just - I don't know. I've liked him for ages without knowing whether or not he liked me back, and that was fine. I've never dated anyone before. I have all of these romantic desires, and fantasies, but I'm okay with it just being that. A fantasy. Because I was - we were really close. Really good friends. He called me his best friend. We hung out loads, and we texted all the time - had all these in-jokes … Aladdin … Chainsawhands …"
"Aladdin Chainsawhands?"
"But," I continuted "He won't even talk to me! His friend! It's like - did I ever matter at all? Just talk to me, please! I am so desperate … any crumb of affection … I am so pathetic!"
The alcohol was loosening my restraint as well as my tongue. My eyes were brimming with tears. I sniffed and Elias threw his arm around my shoulder in a sideways-hug. I buried my face into his shoulder and let out a sob. His shoulders quaked - he was trying to hold back tears too, undoubtedly thinking about Megan. Just like how I was thinking of Sonic. Wishing he was here. Wishing it was him.
Our eyes met - his eyes were a warm hazel colour, a million miles away from Sonic's green ones. He didn't smell of subtle lime shower gel, or freshly baked bread - the scent that permeated Aleena's kitchen. He smelt of cigarettes and alcohol and cologne - strong scents that clouded whatever senses I had left, after downing half of Elias' expensive Scotch.
Who did I think it was? My throat burned. My eyelids felt heavy from the false eyelashes Rouge had applied to them earlier. I was plastered in make-up. I was wearing a low-cut dress, high-heels, and a fucking stick-on-bra. I was so far removed from myself, my desires …
Which is why it didn't feel that strange when Elias pressed his lips against my cheek. It felt kind of nice, actually. I met his eyes again, not coquettishly, not invitingly, but curiously, waiting for his next move. I saw his eyes flicker down to my painted mouth. I tilted my head ever so slightly. After a brief pause, his own head moved in the opposite direction -
"I've been looking for you."
We sprang apart at the familiar voice. "Sal!" Elias exclaimed, shooting up from the bench. "What's up?"
Sally was standing by the fire-escape. She was just a dark figure standing in front of the light, so I couldn't read her expression, but I could feel her eyes on me. "I …" she cleared her throat. "I need to talk to you about something."
"I should - um - I should go." I said awkwardly, stepping up from the bench. I wobbled slightly, but frantically waved Elias away when he reached out to help me. "I'm fine!" I cried.
"Are you sure?"
"I should get back to my friends," I walked towards the door, struggling to keep my balance - between my sore ankle, the strappy heels, and the alcohol it wasn't an easy task. I avoided Sally's gaze, my face burning in shame. My eyes felt hot and heavy from yet more tears. What was I doing? I didn't like Elias, not like that.
That's why you did it.
An icy fist seemed to grip my stomach. I stumbled through the door, into the empty hallway, and ended up tripping again. I sat on the floor, a little stunned, and extremely sorry for myself. I heard footsteps as someone rounded the corner, but couldn't bring myself to stand …
"Amy?"
Not this, not now! Because there was Sonic, staring at me and looking shocked. I could only imagine how I looked, with strands of hair escaping my claps, my legs sprawled on the floor, my make-up - I raised a finger to my face but didn't feel any wetness. My tears hadn't had a chance to fall yet. Maybe my makeup was safe, at least.
"What's going on?"
I looked up at him. He was keeping his distance, but I could see the anxiety in his face - the creased brow, the intensity in his eyes, his stance, poised so he was ready to help … I knew every expression on his face. I'd missed them.
"My ankle hurts." was all I could say, my voice coming out small.
"What? What happened?"
"These heels - and drinking - and dancing - and - "
He fell to his knees beside me, silently, and pressed his fingers against my ankle. Any other day, I would be reeling from his touch, but I was so overcome that it barely registered.
"It doesn't seem sprained … Do you have a ride home?"
"I'm staying at Maria's."
"Right. Have you seen her? That's why I came around - Shadow can't find her anywhere."
"No, I haven't seen her ... " I trailed off. I didn't want to talk about where I'd been. I prayed that Elias and Sally wouldn't reappear.
"Okay." He was still frowning at my ankle. "Do you want ice or anything? I can get the First Aid kit from the gym - "
"No! No it's - it's fine." I didn't want him to go. I breathed in his scent and wished that we were miles away from here. Sitting in his bedroom, listening to music or going over History notes. Out on the track field, struggling to run because our sides hurt so much. Baking in my kitchen and watching movies with Abigail. Dancing together. Had we really done all of those things?
I blinked hard so that he wouldn't see me cry and turned my attention to his feet. I blinked a second time, wondering for a second if the alcohol was making me see things.
"Did you - did you go running before this?" I exclaimed, forgetting everything else as I saw his trademark red trainers that clashed horrifically with his suit.
Sonic looked up, his brow furrowed slightly in confusion, but his expression seemed to soften.
"So what if I did?"
"In your suit?
"What else would I wear?"
"Literally anything else."
"Gotta say Ames, I'm feeling pretty attacked right now."
Ames. It was suddenly just that easy. Maybe it was the dimmed lights, maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe whatever had happened between us had come to pass. It couldn't be that simple, could it? But he was smiling at me, his green eyes lit up … Those eyes. That smile. The lime-scent from his suit jacket. My eyes welled up. I'd missed him so much.
"Ames?" The worried expression was back. "Are you okay?"
"I hate this!" I said. "I had too much to drink, so now when I'm mad at you - I can't even be mad at you! I'm crying!"
"Mad at me?"
"You stopped talking to me!" I exclaimed. "For weeks!"
He had the decency to look away.
"Right after telling me that I was really important to you."
"I know." he whispered.
"You can't just do that to people!"
"I know." he swallowed. "I'm sorry, Amy. Jeeze, I'm really sorry."
"So you should be." I huffed. "I thought we were friends."
"We are."
"So what did I do?"
"Huh?"
"I must have done something." I said, helplessly. "Or I mean - it's fine if you don't think we're that close, actually. Or if I wasn't as important to you as you said - "
"Don't say that." he interrupted, turning back to look at me. "Don't say that, Amy - Ames. You're …" he struggled for a second, swallowing again. "You're so important to me. You're always there for me, and I - I've been a real dick, haven't I?"
"I wouldn't go that far," I shrugged, resisiting the temptation to smile. My heart was aching - it was so full, it felt like it was about to burst.
"You're still defending me then."
"That's … that's what friends do."
I can't be mad at you. I can't stay mad at you. It's not just the alcohol. It's because … you're you. Because until now, you've always been so kind to me. I've shared more of myself with you than I've ever done with any other person. You're someone that I feel like I could really be myself around, and that's so so scary but so so liberating. Because the truth is, I've never really felt like I was being myself. I made myself small. I kept everything hidden. I wanted it to be that way. But being here with you, with everyone, has changed all that. I don't want that anymore. I want to have girly sleepovers with Maria, and talk fashion with Rouge, and bake and sew with Cream. I want to talk about TV shows and books with Silver and Blaze. I want to tease Tikal and Cosmo and Tails. I want to laugh when Knuckles and Rouge bicker. I want to gush over how romantic Shadow is when he's with Maria. I wnt to design clothes, I want to dance at parties, I want to laugh so hard that my sides split open. I want to run - not to get away from anything, just run for the sheer joy of it.
And I want you.
I want you most of all.
I like you, so so much.
Maybe …
I might …
More-than-like-you.
My chest tightened as the emotions rushed through me. I opened my mouth again, not knowing what I was about to say, but knowing that I needed to say something -
"Sonic, I - "
I was interrupted by the click-clack of heels. Rouge, Blaze, Cosmo, Tikal, and Cream were making their way towards us, wide-eyed.
"Have any of you seen Maria?" Sonic asked.
"She's in the bathroom." Cream said. "She said she'd be out in a minute and told us to go on."
"What happened here?" Blaze frowned, pushing her glasses up her face. She seemed to have sobered up considerably and was taking in the scene.
"Amy hurt her ankle." Sonic's voice had hardened slightly, into his normal tone. His appearances-voice. I'd better tell Shadow where Maria is-" Sonic pulled away from me and got to his feet, dusting down the front of his pants. I stared up after him, my heart hammering in my chest. Please don't go.
"See ya Sonic!" Cosmo said
"See you," Sonic replied. He glanced back down at me. "Talk later, Ames?"
"Later," I echoed. He gave me a funny sort of half-smile, which made me feel even worse, and set off down the hall. The girls turned to look at me. Rouge was smirking, clearly delighted with herself, thinking that she'd successfully orchestrated this.
"You okay?" she paused and her face became even more smug. "Ames?"
My blood boiled.
"I'm fine." I said. "No thanks to you."
Rouge blinked in surprise. Cream's mouth dropped open, and I heard someone's sharp intake of breath. A hush fell over us, a silence that seemed to stretch on and on. I didn't know what was coming over me. I tried to speak, but my throat burned and I was trembling.
"I'm sorry, what?"
I wiped the last of my tears from my face, not caring about the make-up anymore. I suddenly wanted it to be ruined, all of Rouge's handiwork, every trace of what she'd done. The layers of mascara, foundation, and bronzer. The spider-like fake eyelashes. The tight dress that left me exposed and vulnerable. The heels I couldn't walk in. The stick-on bra. None of it was me. I looked like an entirely different person. No wonder I wasn't acting like myself. Because of her.
"I can't believe that stunt you pulled earlier." I said. "Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was? How awkward you made things?"
"How awkward I made things?" Rouge cried.
"Amy - " Blaze said, her eyes wide behind her glasses. "What happened?"
"I'm sure Rouge didn't mean anything by it," Tikal added. Cream was biting her nails, looking anxiously at me. Cosmo had her hand on her shoulder and was staring at me in concern. Even Rouge seemed confused.
My friends. Worried about me.
"Let's go outside and talk this out," Rouge suggested.
"Maybe someone should get Maria - "
Something stirred in my brain. A dark, wizened and twisted thing that had been curled, dormant, for weeks.
"Amy, are you okay?"
You don't deserve them.
"Amy," Rouge stepped towards me, her face creased into a frown. "Look, I'm sorry if what happened upset you. I was just trying to help.'
"Well maybe I don't need your help, Rouge." I snapped. The thing in my head bristled in anticipation. I looked up at Rouge, still confused, still well-intentioned, and unaware of how much I hated her for it.
They're too good for you. All you do is poison things. That's why all of those bad things happened to you. Because you deserved them.
"I didn't ask you to get involved and fuck around with my life. I know that you enjoy messing around with people's feelings, and not taking them seriously, but most people don't appreciate it."
Rouge reacted like she'd been slapped. The rest of the girls gaped at me.
You deserve this.
I don't need relationship advice from you, Rouge. I don't think you're qualified to give it. Sleeping with Knuckles whenever he's bored with Julie-Su doesn't count as a relationship.
Silence. Utter endless silence. All I could hear was the sound of my own breathing, the hammer of my heart, and the steady muted thump of music from the school-hall.
Rouge looked at me for a long time. Her arms were crossed in front of her body, and she'd recovered enough from the initial shock to assume her best poker-face.
I waited for the onslaught. For the dramatics. For the insults. I deserved it.
"I don't need to listen to this." she said finally. "I'm not going to listen to this. Talk to me when you've sobered up and gotten your shit together. Or, y'know, don't."
She turned away from everyone and walked down the hall, head up and back straight, with a purpose. My eyes stung with tears as the rest of the girls turned to me and to her, clearly torn.
"Amy?" Cosmo bit her lip. "Do you want to - "
"Just go away," I whispered.
"But - " Blaze began, but I cut across her. "Leave me alone! I don't want to talk to any of you."
They all exchanged glances and finally sighed. "If that's what you really want." Blaze said simply.
"But we'll be here when you want us." Cream said softly, her brown eyes wide and brimming with tears. My stomach shrivelled even more. I wanted to scream: You shouldn't be. You really really shouldn't be. I'm going to ruin you all.
I watched them walk away and finally let my tears fall. A sob ran through my body, too loud in the abandoned hallway. I struggled to my feet and trudged to the bathroom. It was, mercifully, empty apart from one closed stall right at the end. I splashed my face with cold water, crying as quietly as possible as I rinsed away the remnants of my make-up. Gone were the hollowed cheekbones, the perfectly blended eyeshadow, the red lips and the highlighter. What was left was a bare, blotchy face with red rimmed eyes and a trembling mouth.
What had I done? What the fuck had I done? I'd ruined the first friendships I'd had in years.
"Amy? Is that you?"
The voice was muffled, but I recognised it at once. "Maria?" I said, wiping my eyes quickly. "Are you okay?"
There was a pause. After a few seconds her door opened with a click, but she didn't emerge. I stepped cautiously towards the door, not knowing what I was going to see - certainly not expecting to see Maria sitting sprawled on the floor next to the porcelain toilet bowl. It was emanating a faintly acidic scent and a glance at Maria's pulled-back hair told me that it was vomit. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and smiled weakly at me.
"Hi."
"Maria - " I fell to my knees beside her, the rest of the night's events forgotten. "What happened? Are you okay? Did you drink too much?"
"Ha. I wish." she tipped her head back against the wall and closed her eyes. She sounded … different. I tried to piece together what had happened, what had brought her here. She didn't seem ill. She hadn't had much to drink …
The floor was cold, and she was bent at an awkward angle, in between the toilet and the sanitary-towel bin.
"Alright, you can't stay here. Let me help you up -" I hauled her to her feet. In spite of my lack of upper-body strength and my sore ankle, it wasn't difficult - she felt weightless, like a doll. Her arms felt like twigs under her vintage jacket. She let me lead her to the sink and she dutifully bent her head down to the tap to rinse out her mouth.
"Thanks, Amy. I don't know - I haven't been feeling well today." she bit her lip. "Maybe you shouldn't stay over tonight. Is that okay? I'll make sure you get a ride home."
"Of course that's fine." She probably wouldn't want anything to do with me once she found out what had happened with Rouge anyway. But for now at least, she was still my friend. And she needed me. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Mm-hm!" she said, brightly. "I will be anyway." she bit her lip. "You didn't see Shadow around, did you?"
"No. Sonic said he was trying to find you. Didn't he know you weren't well?"
"No, no - I didn't want him to worry." she said. She looked at me, suddenly serious. "You won't tell him, will you?"
"Tell him? About you feeling sick?"
"It's no big deal. It's just - he really cares about me a lot. He gets a bit paranoid, sometimes. I don't want to give him anything else to worry about -"
It's so cruel to let someone love you.
"He's been stressed about his grades and he was really looking forward to our date tomorrow, we got tickets for this performance ages ago, he'll want to cancel if he thinks I'm sick when all I actually need is to have a little bed-rest so … so please, Amy." she looked pleadingly at me. "Please don't tell him."
"Of course I won't," I swallowed. I loved her so much. She was never going to speak to me after tonight. But I could still do this for her. "As long as you take care of yourself tonight, okay?"
"Of course." she looked at me for a minute, her blue eyes full of emotion that I couldn't read. Without warning, she threw her arms around me and squeezed me tightly.
"You're a great friend," she whispered. She pulled away and noticed that the cuff of her sleeve was damp. "Ah, that's unfortunate." She began to shrug the jacket off her shoulders.
"Won't you be cold?" I frowned.
"I'll be fine," she assured me. "Just call me Elsa. Cold doesn't bother me." She tied the jacket around her waist and jokingly struck a pose. "What do you think, oh great Fashion Goddess?"
But I couldn't answer. The fluorescent bathroom lighting had a frightening effect on her body. Her collar bone jutted out alarmingly, and her entire torso seemed to have shrunk, making her shoulders more prominent. Attached to them were her arms, which had always been slender but toned, and now looked like twigs that would snap at any moment.
"Maria!" I gasped. "You're so thin."
Her eyes flickered towards her reflection in the mirror. She took her body in and something passed in her expression, a dark shadow. "Not really." she said nonchalantaly. "Not yet."
She untied the jumper and pulled it back on, in spite of the damp sleeve and walked towards the door. "We can get a lift back with Shadow now, if you want?"
I didn't know what to do except follow her. Shadow was pacing outside the bathroom. When we emerged his head snapped up and his eyes widened. "Maria, I was worried - "
"You're so cute," she teased, kissing him lightly on the cheek. She fiddled with her hair, flicking it forwards so that it framed her face nicely. "I'm fine. Amy and I just wanted a private place to talk about … you know who."
"I'm right here."
"Are you sure you're okay?" Shadow asked. There was something about his expression … an nervous anticipation, rather than irrational anxiety. Like when you're bracing yourself for an injection.
"Just tired. Can we give Amy a lift home? Her mother called, she has to mind her sister tomorrow morning so our sleepover will have to wait."
"Sure, sure …" he looked back at me. I ducked my eyes, suddenly feeling guilty for lying, and unwilling to outright confirm this new one. If Maria felt any, she hid it well, and she didn't even look at me to acknowledge her second lie of the night.
The crowd had thinned out. The dance was due to end within the hour, and most people had already gone off to afterparties. There were still a few stragglers, like Fiona and Nicole who were taking advantage of the dark abandoned corners, and Wave and Hershey who were finishing the last of the punch, giggling in a way which made it clear that they'd added something to it. Knuckles and a couple of Junior boys were still hanging around too, but I didn't see the girls anywhere, I noted with a pang. Or Elias.
I did, however, see Sonic and my stomach lurched. I tried to keep out of his line of sight, but he waved me over. Maria smiled mischeavously and told me she and Shadow would wait while I said goodbye.
"How's your ankle?" he asked as soon as he saw me. "Any better now?"
"Yes. I don't think there was much wrong with it … but I appreciate your help."
"If it starts acting up again, remember rest, ice - "
"Compression, elevation." I finished. "I do take Health."
"Right," he said, distracted. He fidgeted with his pocket. There was something he wanted to say. I held my breath and he cleared his throat.
"Look, I meant to say - about earlier - about the last few weeks - "
"There you are!" The scent of expensive perfume filled my nose. Sally Acorn appeared, a vision in her dress. Her hair was perfectly styled, her makeup still intact. I didn't want to think about how I looked next to her, how I always looked next to her.
"Hi Amy! I love your dress!"
"Thanks. You look great." I said. Understatement of the century. She looked like a princess.
"Am I interrupting something?" she was looking between us. She edged slightly closer to Sonic, adjusting her position so their shoulders lightly touched. Suddenly, every part of me was telling me to run away.
"No, not at all." I said, forcing a smile. My heart was racing. I didn't want to go home. As awful as this night had been, as much as I wanted to forget everything that had happened, I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to leave things this way with Sonic, with everyone.
I dithered for a second; finally, the words fell out. "If you, um. If you see Rouge or the girls - tell them I said goodbye. Okay?"
"Sure," Sonic frowned. "Did something happen?"
"No. Nothing happened. I just have to leave."
"Okay. Cool."
"Are you going home, Amy?" Sally asked. "A few people were planning on coming around to mine afterwards, you're more than welcome to come too."
"Thanks Sally, but my mom's working tomorrow. I have to be home to mind my sister."
"I understand," she smiled. "If Rouge is there I'll pass on the message, yeah?"
"That would be great," I said. "Thanks." Why does she have to be so nice?
"It's just a shame," Sally sighed. "Elias is going to be disappointed. I'm sure he'd have loved a chance to finish what you guys started outside.
Sonic's head snapped towards her. "Huh? What?"
Sally didn't say anything else, just examined her nails - neat and short. Sonic's eyes met mine, but I didn't know what to say. I gaped at him, and back at her. She wouldn't meet my eyes but I thought I saw something in them - a flash of guilt?
"What happened with Elias?" Sonic asked, the words coming out strained.
I stood there, agonised. The impulse to run became stronger.
"I really have to go. I'm sorry. We - we can talk later, okay?"
"Amy, wait - !"
But I was already gone. I didn't want to do any more damage than I'd already done … but, as I sat in the backseat of Shadow's car, staring out the window and thinking over everything from the confusion in Elias' eyes, Rouge's anger and hurt expression, Cream's tear-filled eyes, Maria's anxious smile, the tremor in Sonic's voice, and the flash of guilt in Sally's face as I walked away, I worried that it might have been too late.
As I got into bed, I couldn't help but think of what Maria had told me, what felt like aeons ago, about what it meant to let people in. To let people care. To let people love you.
(x x x)
Feel free to air any and all grievances with what has happened through reviews. I'm sorry. Readers of the old fic should have known that some of this was coming, albeit maybe not quite in this way. Poor Amy. Poor Sonic. Poor Elias. Poor Megan. Poor Rouge. Poor Maria. Poor everyone!
So, I realise that this is very very late. Much later than even I had anticipated. I will be honest and say that the weeks following my last update were quite dark for me. I had a very difficult time mental health-wise, to a point where my college counsellors spent an hour trying to convince me to go into hospital. Going into every element of it in an author's note would be strange, but just know that I have honestly had a very hard time in life (as many people have, I know) and there are many days where I can't even make myself get out of bed to brush my teeth in the mornings, let alone get dressed and go to class and have a life. And up until a few weeks ago I did lead a busy life, between college and my job and society committees. Obviously that has changed with the COVID-19 situation.
I hope you are all keeping well in these difficult times! My country (Ireland) is on lockdown officially until Easter Sunday, though we all know that this is likely to be extended. I am back home with my family and am generally alright, though we have an abysmal broadband connection and I still have assignments etc to finish. I'm actually finding it easier to write though. I've plotted out the next few chapters (I am anticipating maybe five more?), so once April 20th is over I am technically finished with my second year of college, and will be able to finish this thing. Thank you all for being so patient, and for the couple of you who reached out to me in concern. It was very much appreciated.
(ALSO: random aside, if anyone has a switch+animal crossing new horizons and would like to be friends, feel free to get in touch. I am in dire need of oranges and lilies!)
Love to you all PLEASE STAY SAFE and enjoy the nearly 10,000 words of angst!
