Zero Regrets
(November 15-18, 2017)
34: End of Run, Beginning of ?
The second week of Olmsted's run of Avenue Q became the social event in Crescent City. First, the students who had seen it loved the show, talked it up, and persuaded their friends to reserve tickets for that last set of shows; second, word spread even beyond the campus, and townies crowded in to see what the hilarious show was all about; third, the parents and other relatives of the performers came in significant numbers that week; and maybe most important of all, a contingent of frowning, indignant, concerned citizens picketed the building beginning on Wednesday, waving signs hand-lettered with dire warnings.
PUPPETS=DAMNATION!
THIS THEATER IS IMMORAL!
SEEING AVE Q WILL DAMN U!
A local TV show interviewed a few of the picketers the first evening, and the segment aired Thursday morning. "Excuse me, Ma'am, can you tell me why you're protesting this production?"
"Immoral! No people should see puppets! Children, think of them! Evil, evil, evil! Corruption and temptation! Children!"
The other picketing commenters were somewhat less coherent. On the other hand, Mabel even got to have a word on camera to defend the production: "Mabel Pines here, actress and puppeteer. Listen, everybody, this show is about poor troubled people, confusing relationships, urban blight, and despair. It's a total feel-good load of laughs! Don't just believe it's bad because of these people with the signs. Come and see for yourselves!"
The first week had played to big houses. The second week was completely sold out. Fortunately, Dipper and Wendy had long since reserved and paid for seats for both Grunkles and both Graunties, Mr. and Mrs. Pines, and (top secret) Teek. The run would end on Saturday, so just to be sure no one missed the show, they'd settled on Friday as Pines Family Day at the theater. That required some extra planning, but Dipper was all over the planning. All Mabel knew was that the family should be in attendance Friday night, and that was all Dipper and Wendy wanted her to know.
Stan, Ford, and their wives showed up Friday morning and checked into the motel. Alex and Wanda Pines were on their way and would be in by afternoon. On Wednesday, Dipper saw his teacher about missing class on Friday—it was a unit quiz, and since he was already carrying an A average and his teacher had a younger sister, he requested to take the quiz Thursday afternoon, in the WAU library Testing Center.
The professor opened the grade book on a computer and studied it. "You have an A average already. Hm. And Miss Corduroy is actually your wife, correct?"
"Yes. But I swear I won't tell her anything—"
"She's doing very well, too. Why not have her come in with you and both take the quiz at the same time?"
"—or anybody wait, what? Really?"
His professor grinned. "Really. She's—don't tell her this—my top student this term. And since this is for your sister, I'll bend a rule. I suppose you want the time to leave early for Thanksgiving?"
Dipper shook his head. "Um, no, but it is a family thing. My sister's a student at Olmsted, and she's in the play, all of our folks are coming in to see her, and most of all, to surprise her, we're secretly flying her boyfriend in from out of state—"
The professor tapped on the keyboard. "The Testing Center can accommodate you both this afternoon right after class, at two. Present your student IDs at the reference desk and they'll set you up."
Easy-peasy. Wendy was agreeable to taking the test early, they showed up at the library, and were assigned to two small testing rooms, and in thirty minutes both had finished a quiz designed to last fifty minutes. "What did you think?" Wendy asked with a grin. She had actually turned in her quiz a couple of minutes before he'd turned his in.
"I think I scored a hundred," Dipper said. "Really easier than I expected. Maybe it was just a way to send the students off to Thanksgiving break feeling good."
Because of that, on Friday they were all done with classes at noon. They had driven Wendy's Dodge Dart in that day, and they stowed their backpacks in the trunk, climbed in, and set off for the long drive to Medford, more than two hours away. Even at that, it was still the nearest airport that had service to and from Atlanta. After Thanksgiving in Gravity Falls, though, he would fly back out of Portland.
Teek had to cut his Friday classes to make the trip, but, like Dipper, he was conscientious and let his professors know ahead of time. He was in good shape academically and had no absences, so they didn't seriously object. For him, the problem was timing—he'd had to leave Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta at eleven, Eastern time, for a nearly eight-hour flight to California.
The drive to Medford was over a hundred miles, via US-199, and it led through mountainous terrain and over Grant's Pass. Traffic wasn't particularly heavy, and they arrived at the small airport a few minutes before three PM. "Great timing!" Dipper said as he checked the arrivals board. Teek's flight had just taxied in at the gate, and in another few minutes they saw him emerge, backpack on and trundling a suitcase, his black hair longer than it had been and messy, and overall, he looked bleary and sleepy-eyed.
"Over here, dude!" Wendy called, waving.
He grinned and hurried over, stood his suitcase up—it fell over, and Dipper caught it—and hugged Wendy. "Thank you guys so much!" he said. "I owe you big time. I was dreading sitting around in the dorm all by myself for Thanksgiving week!"
Then Teek, to Dipper's surprise, hugged him, too. He wasn't ordinarily a huggy guy. "You going to be able to hold up for the show tonight?" Dipper asked him.
"Yeah, I'll nap in the car. How far is it?"
"'Bout a hundred and ten miles," Wendy said. "Didja bring, you know—it?"
"In my pocket. Can you hide me from Mabel?"
"No problem," Dipper said, pulling his suitcase. "Come on, we're parked out front here. Mabel's not coming home for dinner tonight, because she's doing some puppet repair work this afternoon."
"What time is it?" Teek asked, adjusting his specs to look at his watch. "I've got six-thirty."
"Three-thirty, Teek," Dipper said. "Set your watch back. Show's tonight at seven-thirty, so grab what sleep you can in the car."
There was room in the Green Machine's trunk for Teek's luggage, and Wendy took out the two emergency blankets she always carried back there. Teek got in the back seat and cushioned himself with the folded blankets. "Remind me," he said in a sleepy voice, "to put in my contacts. My glasses aren't the right—" yawn—"prescription for me anymore."
"Want me to drive?" Dipper asked Wendy.
"I got it, thanks. I'll keep the radio off, since Teek needs to snooze."
And snooze he did, deeply and snoring just a little. Wendy parked in the garage, and when they got out, she said, "I almost hate to wake the poor guy."
"We have to have some dinner and then take off for the show," Dipper told him. It was already close to six.
So they woke Teek, he took a very short shower—and petted Tripper, who was delirious to see his and Mabel's old buddy again—while Wendy and Dipper changed clothes. Dipper called his mom and dad, found out that she, Stan, and Ford and their wives were having dinner near the Olmsted campus, and arranged to meet them all at the theater.
Teek, looking fresher in a jacket and tie, with his hair combed, and without his big round specs, kept thanking them. "You didn't hint to Mabes, did you?" Wendy asked, nearly teasing, as they got into Dipper's car for the trip in.
"Hardest thing I've ever done!" Teek said. "We face-time every night, and ever since Monday, I've had to act really sad. She says, 'I wish you could see the show,' and I'm all 'I wish I could, so bad.'"
Because of the press of time, they had a fast-food meal at a burger place, burgers inferior to the ones Teek made at the Shack. Whatever, it was food and would hold them.
On campus, they had to cross the picket line—Mabel had warned Dipper about the protesters, though, so they weren't surprised. Inside, Stan saw them first and waved them over. Hugs all around, and a weepy Wanda Pines held both of Wendy's hands and said, "I'm going to admit it. I was wrong. Marriage agrees with you. You both look so good!"
And Alex had to have his hug and plant a kiss on Wendy's cheek, and tenderly, he asked her, "How's the Dart driving?" Fond family moment.
They had good seats, though not as near the stage as before, the nine of them taking up half of the right-center Row G. As Dipper had expected, Mabel peeked out at the audience and waved to them—but she didn't see Teek, because Dipper had warned him not to take his seat—they'd saved him the one on the aisle—until the house lights went down.
Teek came in and sat in the darkened house as on the stage, Dr. Mayberry made her curtain speech, then the music struck up, the curtain rose, and the show was underway.
Wendy held Dipper's hand. Dip, am I mistaken, or is Mabel even more upbeat than the first time?
—Yeah, she saw us and she's up because of that.
Mabel's performance of the Kate puppet was energetic and engaging and hopelessly appealing. In the "Sucks to be Me" number, her dropping of the F-bomb hit, and the audience shrieked with surprised laughter. Even Wanda, after a quick intake of breath, joined in.
And from then on, the laughter rarely dropped. Rod's "My Girlfriend who Lives in Canada" got screams. The Bad Idea Bears were a lot of fun. Though Kate's and Princeton's drunken sex scene made Wanda shake her head, it was so over the top that even she couldn't help laughing.
And though it was a puppet show, the cast made the audience feel sympathetic, too. Kate Monster's disappointment when she thought Princeton had dumped her—"There's a Fine, Fine Line"—elicited compassionate "aws" from scattered members of the audience. When Gary Coleman and the others collected money to help Kate start a Monsterssori School for young monsters, they actually passed the hat in the audience, and then "Gary" said they had collected nothing but "a meal ticket for the Olmsted Cafeteria, and I'm keeping that!"
Fortunately, a surprise donor contributed enough cash to make the school possible, thanks to his wise investments. And lovers were reconciled and reunited, and the last hopeful song began.
Very quietly, Dr. Mayberry came down the aisle to Teek's elbow and bent over. "Teek, right? Come with me."
The puppeteers took bows to a standing ovation, and when that died down, Dr. Mayberry walked onstage and said, "Everyone please sit down again, just for a moment. Cast, stay in place!"
To the sounds of surprised murmuring, they all did.
Then Dr. Mayberry announced, "Kate Monster was performed by Olmsted freshman Mabel Pines. And we have a special presentation just for her."
"What?" Mabel asked, looking delighted but a little scared.
And then Teek walked on. "Hi," he said.
Mabel squee'd and jumped on him and kissed him. "He's my BOYFRIEND!" she announced at the top of her lungs, laughing and crying. "I haven't seen him in months! Teek, what are you doing?"
He was kneeling. He held up a little jewelry box, open. "Mabel," he said, "will you—"
"YES!"
And that called for a passionate kiss, accompanied by yet another standing ovation.
