NON-SEQUITUR RANT
Warning: I wrote this years ago and still stand by it, as ME3's Ending was the most disappointing thing since...GOT's ending...and Star Wars ST's ending...and oh my god, why do so many beloved franchises have such shitty endings. Why, why can't we just get one good ending? Is ATLA the only one? Wait no, because even that was marred by Korra. Why? WHYYYYY-
Anyway, immediately skip to the next chapter if you don't want to read another person whining about ME3's nonsensical ending.
I'm still salty about ME3 after eight years. And I will be for the rest of my life. I'll admit right now that I think the extended ending didn't do anything to help the narrative, and after seeing all the debates over the years, I don't think that will ever change.
I first like to take a look through the lens of whether things made sense. The conduit, an expy of the Conduit everyone forgot about from the first game, is used to shoot people up on to the Citadel from Earth. Okay. We assume that it's so the Reapers can start processing bodies to make a Human Reaper, even though the Citadel was never hinted at in the entire trilogy until the last minute of having that capability. But alright. It still is entirely possible the Citadel has room for a Reaper baby inside the Presidium or in the bowels of the Wards.
So we now move on to the final mission. Everyone attacks the Reapers at Earth, Hammer Team lands, they cut through no-man's land, and reach the final stretch. The Reapers realize it is imperative that no one reaches the conduit, so Harbringer HIMSELF comes down to stop every one. Instead of simply shutting off the conduit THEY MADE so no one can do anything. They made it...so why can't they shut it off? Flip a switch, game over. Done. And if they can't turn it off...why don't they destroy it? Hell, the codex even says the Reapers have processing ships. Why does the conduit exist in London at all? They literally have a ship MADE SOLELY for processing people. Plot hole, but since the Reapers have the Citadel, and its arms are closed, the conduit is the only way we can actually defeat them. Even though if they had the Citadel in the first place, they could control every mass relay, preventing Hammer Fleet from even entering the Sol System or meeting up at all, trapping everyone in their home systems like they do for every cycle before.
But we're ignoring all that. Since the plot dictates that the Reapers have the Citadel and move it to Earth so we can 'take back' Earth for a plausible reason, okay, they have it. Whatever. So now we proceed to Hammer's final approach. Everyone is running for the conduit to infiltrate the Citadel through the conduit. Its epic. Harbringer starts shooting people as they run toward him. Trucks are exploding, gunships are falling out of the sky. What happened to the three other Reapers that escorted him in the cut-scene you ask? We don't see them around shooting at people, but surely they're around the area guys, why even descend with Harbringer in the first place if they didn't come to help? So if you have three spare reapers, why do they allow the Normandy, a ship the size of two frigates, to bypass heavily contested air space and land RIGHT SMACK DAB in the middle of Harbinger's killing spree? But it doesn't matter, the Normandy's here to save the day. Yay.
And since the Normandy made it safely onto the battlefield, now it's time to let Joker do what he came to do! Heroically distract Harbinger, nailing him with the thanix cannons that destroyed a Collector dreadnought in one volley, (which would at least cause Harbinger to flinch?) and in doing so, make the ultimate sacrifice, giving everyone on the ground a chance of saving everyone by reaching the conduit, since Harbinger is the ONLY thing keeping them from reaching it.
Oh wait. What's that you say? They're not here to even the odds? They're just here to evacuate FOUR PEOPLE (albeit two squad mates...so you know...IMPORTANT PEOPLE) from a mission that EVERYONE participating in already knew was a suicide run? And Shepard gets a full two minute potential lovelorn goodbye to their LI before returning to their heroic dash while Harbinger watches on with a single tear dripping down one of his six bright yellow eyes? And this scene of the Normandy idling in the middle of a killzone while Harbinger annihilates the entirety of Hammer without so much as a squirt of molten metal in its direction was added solely for the Extended DLC so people wouldn't get mad when it was assumed whoever they brought with died on the suicide run when Shepard is blasted, even though it was all but assured they would meet a grisly end if you used any bit of common sense? Phew. Sorry about that. Okay. I can understand wanting to at least address those squad mates appearing on the Normandy in the Eden epilogue, despite their habit of dying during the run in the early days. But why didn't the Normandy at least thanix cannon Harby to distract him for a picosecond as he's leaving, since Harbinger's apparently busy still roasting marines? Just one beam less could have made the difference between a platoon of marines and space tanks making it onto the Citadel instead of just one injured N7 and a senile old man. No? Too bad? Okay.
So anyway, once the Normandy zoops away, Harbinger figures letting Shepard's friends get out alive is considerate enough for them, and then proceeds to blast molten metal in their direction. Was the beam off-center? Did he intentionally aim at Shepard? Did he even intend to kill them? For a being that subconsciously attunes itself to the minds of every living being in its vicinity, it's weird that Harbinger just takes off as soon as it thinks nothing else is left, even though both Shepard AND Anderson survive. Even Coates himself starts talking over the comms as if they still have people on the ground to hear him. Despite the fact that Coates was literally INSIDE THE SAME DROPSHIP WITH ANDERSON, YOUR SQUAD, AND SHEPARD THAT CRASH-LANDED, MEANING HE COULD BE NOWHERE ELSE IN LONDON BUT IN THE SAME KILLZONE AS YOU. Did he decide...naw, dying is a young person's game and tip-toe off while everyone else ran in the conduit's direction like assholes? Did he stop half-way, and was like, 'huh, I have enough accolades after sniping all those super dangerous husks in the street as is. Hell, I was only featured in a trailer. I don't have enough plot armor for this!'? What?!
No but okay, we need a totally important, familiar npc to announce that we're the only ones left. Alright, now Shepard truly IS the last person alive. And they start making their march to the conduit. Then the greatest character to ever be created in fanon tries to stop him, along with his 3 sidekicks. Why there weren't more of these goons trying to stop the dash of Hammer Team in the first place, like the fight at the Shroud, with brutes running around, a reaper trying to step on you, meteors descending every which way, we'll never know. I guess a living breathing battlefield that can actually constitute game play is overrated for what is essentially a fifteen minute long cut-scene.
But Shepard kills them, and lo and behold, they make it into the conduit. And come out of a place never before seen on the Citadel. Secret level of the structure you say? Okay, sure, I'll bite. And though Shepard walked into the conduit alone, Anderson pops up over comms before you even wake up, meaning he saw you moving, let those goons shoot at you, and snuck in once you had already finished them off without so much of a 'go get em Shep' over the comms. Then, not only did Anderson end up in a different spot, (even though I feel like that would make body processing extremely hard since the bodies you want to process end up teleporting in completely random places, but whatever) ends up conscious and walking about while you didn't.
Then Anderson says the Citadel reminds him of your description of the Collector Base. Though the pristine citadel has nothing even REMOTELY resembling the rocky cavernous hive the Collector base was. Maybe the piles of bodies laying around do...but the only place that had bodies laying around in piles was the Collector Ship, and even then...you didn't see any piles of human bodies stacked up on Earth during your campaign from Canada to London Anderson? I doubt that. So it couldn't possibly be the bodies Anderson was referring to. Maybe Anderson ended up in another place that DOES resemble the Collector Base that you didn't. But then...why would the Reapers include a place in the Citadel that would contrast so starkly with everything else? Why even risk someone discovering a place that would look so sinister? Maybe Anderson's just senile and Shepard's humoring him. After fighting so long, yeah, sure, it happens. So then Shepard starts moving. And they get to the main console AFTER Anderson, even though Shepard had a STRAIGHT SHOT to the main room, and Anderson didn't even mention he had reached the console. Oh, and the Citadel reuses assets from the Shadow Broker's ship. That's lazy. Not an actual story critique or relevant. Just wanted to point it out.
Then comes the last paragon-renegade interrupt of the series. The Illusive Man shows up, hideously scarred, because of the surgery he had on Cronos Base that you can watch a clip of. That surgery happens before you invade Cronos. Then you invade Cronos and the Illusive Man taunts you, looking none worse the wear. Then suddenly, when you see him again, his face is effed up. What happened in between Cronos and Earth that caused his face to get so hideous? The surgery supposedly gave him the reaper implants in the first place, but they aren't visible when you last talk to him, so chronologically, that doesn't make sense. And somehow, the Illusive Man appears BEHIND you, even though it's literally a straight shot from the hallway of slaughter to the platform of persuasion. Was he lurking in the shadows, curled up in a ball, with Shepard tunnel-visioning so hard that he didn't notice a grown man hiding behind them so that TIM could appear out of the blue dramatically? He isn't Batman. The hell happened there?
And for that matter...how did the Illusive Man get there? For simplicity's sake, I'll assume he was already on the Citadel when he tattled to the Reapers that the Crucible needed the Citadel to work, and was inside when the Reapers captured it. So the Reapers invaded, captured it, towed it to Earth, and...left him alive? Was he just a really good hider, as previously illustrated? Does he have a detailed map of the Citadel's vents? Is he the only one alive on the Citadel for that matter? Is there a resistance movement, and people are still moving about on the Citadel? That would make sense since there are sky cars flying around in the background. Shoddy level design Bioware. Just like that unlimited ammo gun. Suddenly we're playing ME1 again? Make up your mind about thermal clips Bioware.
Sorry, back to the Citadel population. If people were still alive and kicking, then you think one of them could have helped open the Citadel instead. And that the Reapers would be more concerned about quashing them since those people are ALREADY inside the Citadel unlike Hammer Team trying to get in. Bailey, Aria, Septimus...we got quite a few bad asses in there. Probably some Spectres. Either everyone died, or some survived, and they become part of the plot. It's just lazy to handwave all that, and say, yeah no, there were people on the Citadel still alive like Bioware did. They said that in a Q&A. There weren't even any Reapers to worry about inside it. Just the occasional husk and cannibal. So a bunch of survivors were all just dicking around while the greatest naval battle in galactic history is waged outside. Okay.
And yet another sidebar...if you played the first game, you already know the conduit ripped off the Conduit on Ilos, and if it still existed, why didn't we just use that one to get aboard the Citadel? Aaaand, if you also played the first game, you know the master control board that Saren used to open the Citadel is inside the Citadel Tower, not on this random panel god knows where on the Citadel. So how does the Illusive Man know THIS place is what will open the station's arms, even though prior lore and game finale's tell us otherwise? We know the Reapers aren't actively working with him, because the Illusive Man actively argues that he's not indoctrinated and that he's doing his own thing. If the Reapers told him where to go, you'd think he'd realize right away that maybe he isn't the good guy after-all? So how are you there dude?! Who told you that was the place to be?!
Sorry, back to the ending. So the Illusive Man next proves that humans can control the Reapers, and indoctrination isn't that OP as we can figure it out within the span of several years. You think figuring out how to use mind-control would facilitate how to resist it but...whatevs. Anderson bites it. The Illusive Man bites it. And Shepard bites it, while Hackett breaks radio silence and realizes those two people talking to each other about making it onto the Citadel weren't just lying assholes. Then, upon hearing nothing is happening, Shepard comes back to life, crawls to the panel, falls short of doing anything, dies again, and it just so happens that SPECIFIC piece of panel Shepard dies on is the piece of metal that can levitate twenty feet into the air, levitates up through a roof that can apparently retract at that exact point (check the roof of the final scene before the cut-scene starts), and levitates someone upward to the EXACT platform that would allow one to activate the super weapon the Citadel was never meant to be used with before. Okay. That's not heavily contrived at all.
And this causes the Citadel to open up like a starfish, something I'm sure the creators never planned on having it do, but as we learned from the allspark of Transformers, alien technology can make on the fly adjustments to regular technology without any regard of its previous mechanical feats. Even though this alien technology is made via technology vastly INFERIOR to that of the Citadel and its creators. Okay. And then comes the Child. I can't even touch anything he says because I'll double the length of this incoherent rant. But the choices are stupid.
If the civilizations of the preceding cycles had no knowledge or understanding that their doomsday weapon was to interface with an AI in order to make it functional, for the Crucible to have the effects the end of Mass Effect 3 presents, it would have needed to be deliberately designed to perform those functions. The previous cycles would have needed to design the Crucible with the intent of controlling the Reapers, destroying them, or synthesizing life. This suggests an incredible assortment of chaotic intent passed down through the cycles, as if the various civilizations had no idea what the civilizations that came before them were doing with this technology, and instead imprinted their own desires upon the foundation left to them. It also implies that all of these options were at some point completed, but never used prior to the current cycle. At some point, one of these options were eventually finished but the cycle was unable to implement it. The next cycles decided not to use it, and instead used the knowledge passed down to develop a second option. When this option was completed and not used, the same developmental stages occur for the third option.
Makes sense dawg.
No it doesn't actually, as until Shepard's cycle, the Reapers were able to control the Citadel from the moment of Arrival and this was changed only by the Prothean survivors from Ilos. Desperation was how the Crucible came into being. How would any of these cycles have known that their Crucible choice would require interfacing with an AI in order to operate it. With the astronomical improbability that any of these cycles would have wanted these three options as possibilities, then historically speaking, two of these options had to have been completed and never used. It is difficult to fathom that the Crucible was developed by the prior cycles with either no idea of what it would do, or that it was deliberately meant to give a future cycle these options. It is equally difficult to assume that an intelligence that has harvested organic life for countless millennia would have influenced the cycles to create this device.
And not only that. These choices are presented and carried out through electrocuting ONE SPECIFIC PERSON to death. Melting ONE SPECIFIC PERSON into energy. And shooting a box. Shooting. A. GOD. DAMN. BOX. The people designing the crucible just saw these asymmetrical parts at the tip, one of which would annihilate the crucible upon something accidentally bumping into it and shattering its glass protector, and thought...yeah, seems right. Nothing odd there. And the Child automatically, without ever having seen it before, tells you every conceivable outcome of the Crucible. Okay. Sure guy. He then lies to you, all the while, using both MALE AND FEM SHEP'S VOICE, not weird at all, that you'll die in every option. Yet in High EMS Destroy, Shepard fairly clearly lives (I don't know why people debate this one, as it makes no sense at all for the game to show some random N7 breathing on the final outtake).
I just...I just dived this far without intending to. Do you see how much this thing triggers me?! I can't handle it. The reasons I listed above though, NOT EVEN outlining every bit of the ending that doesn't make sense, should hint that maybe the ending isn't as coherent as we surmised. The Extended Ending just eased the transition into the big-lipped alligator moment, but did nothing to actually address it.
I'm sure someone will argue some points that aren't even that bad, like Harbinger 'had to aim at everyone instead of the Normandy because there were so many people going for the conduit'. Then why didn't the three escorting reapers deliberately shown in the cut-scene step in to help him? I'm sure someone will also say, 'Anderson made it before Shepard because he even said the walls were moving, They didn't follow the same path'. Well then why didn't we see any walls moving? That's just means that was bad storytelling. You can't get a more classic version of 'show, don't tell'. And of course, I bet someone will say, you're just mad because Shepard died. I'm not. I love tragic endings. But that's really the crux of it.
Mass Effect 3 was a beautiful swan song for the franchise (asides from Cerberus), right until the last 15 minutes of it, were it then became hot garbage that did not wrap up the game in any sensible matter or in a satisfying narrative tone. I blame EA for everything. Rushing their games has killed more than just ME3. Looking at you ANTHEM. Though apparently that was more just Bioware unable to coordinate or making anything happen throughout the development process. Similar to Andromeda. Oh my god. DA4 isn't looking too great is it. Only time will tell. But please help me reach peace with Mass Effect if you think me or any of my points are wrong.
TL;DR - ME3's Ending is bad, the outrage was justified, and I'll die taking that to my grave. ON WITH THE STORY-
