BEFORE WE BEGIN: These are extremely nerve-wracking, scary, and frankly depressing times. My hope and prayer are that you are all safe and well and that you continue to be safe and well. Love one another from afar. Take delight in the things that make you happy. Hopefully, we will get out of this with a better appreciation of what we have and what we take advantage of than we ever did before. Much love to all of you!


Chapter 29.

James picked up the object and turned it in his hand, inspecting it from every angle. "And what exactly am I supposed to do with this?"

"It's a mood ring," Sirius explained. "It'll tell you what emotions you're feeling."

"Am I incapable of knowing these emotions on my own?"

"Who said it was for you? Pregnant wife and all, I thought it'd be better for you to have for Lily."

Lily went to stand up. "You slime-covered piece of—"

"Look," Sirius interrupted as James pulled her back down. "Put it on, see if it turns whatever shade anger is."

Lily gave him a scathing look in response but extended her hand to James all the same. They all gathered around to stare at the ring.

"Black is the color to look for," Remus announced as he looked at the chart explaining all of the colors.

"Fitting that the color for anger corresponds with your name," she spat at Sirius as the ring turned the darkest shade Beth had ever seen. Sirius extended his hands as if he had just performed the most impressive magic trick.

"The mood ring, ladies and gentlemen."

"It works," James said in dumbfounded belief.

"James!"

"It might be helpful to figure out what you're feeling."

Lily glared at her husband. "Can you not tell what I'm feeling right now?"

"This one's for Remus," Marlene loudly announced, stopping Lily's reply with a jarring halt. Lily said some things heatedly under her breath towards James. Beth smiled when his reply was to pick up her hand and kiss it tenderly. Lily rolled her eyes, but the grin that followed was unstoppable, and she pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.

Remus grabbed the gift from Marlene and unwrapped it, letting the contents fall into his lap. "Chocolate. What an unexpected surprise." He added the bar to the ever-growing mountain sitting behind him.

"The only thing I know about you is that you like chocolate," Marlene explained.

"What are you talking about? I like jumpers and books and coffee and—"

"Chocolate?"

"Here," Beth said, reaching over to the tree and setting a gift in front of him. "Open mine."

Remus tore the wrapping paper off and let out a laugh. "A jumper!" He went to hold it out in front of him when a large object fell from within. "With a book wrapped in it! And we're getting coffee tomorrow!"

"I like to think I know you pretty well," Beth teased. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Marlene roll her eyes.

It wasn't hard to pick up on the fact that Marlene was not a fan of her's. Ever since her and Sirius' unexpected return last night, Marlene had done nothing but react negatively to anything she said. Beth had gone over to talk to Sirius once the surprise at his return finally faded, but Marlene had quickly pulled him away, asking him if he needed to go to bed straight away. He'd agreed. This morning, when she'd gone to help prepare a Christmas breakfast, Marlene had told her that they didn't need any more help and to go sit down. He'd agreed. Before they finally sat down to do presents, Beth had accidentally walked by James and Lily talking in the bathroom. The two of them were holding each other, Lily's hand rubbing down James' back as he whispered, "It's not the same." Beth had stopped instinctively, her heart reaching out for her dear friend, wanting to be there to help comfort him, only to be pulled away by Marlene insisting that she start organizing the presents around the tree. Now, with the way she was practically hanging over Sirius, constantly checking on him and asking him if he was okay and if there was anything she could get for him, Beth was finding very little appreciation for her as well.

"Beth is my new favorite friend," Remus said, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "I'm the one that gets to live with her for a month next time."

Beth's eyes flicked up to Sirius, who was already staring at her. She quickly looked away.

"Why were you there for a month?" Marlene twirled a strand of hair around her finger in a manner that Beth was certain was almost coy.

Sirius shrugged. "Beats me. Ask Dumbledore."

"I feel like I would have been bored out of my mind after anything more than a week," Marlene sighed in a manner that was altogether coy. "I don't think I could do it."

Beth couldn't help the biting response that followed. "Weren't you gone with Sirius for two?"

"Hey," Lily intercepted Marlene's response, though it didn't stop Marlene from eyeing Beth curiously. "Who's that little gift over there for?"

Marlene was the one who looked away first, and even if it was to find the answer to Lily's question, Beth felt victorious at the defeat.

"Which one?"

"The small one under the tree."

Marlene crawled to the other side. "Ah, I see it." She picked it up, and Beth's heart nearly dropped when she saw which one it was. She'd put it there herself, even before Marlene insisted on her spreading the presents out under the tree. Instinctively, she looked up at the recipient as Marlene read the tag. "Sirius, it's for you."

Sirius put his hand over his heart in mock surprise. "Pour moi? S'il vous plaît."

"What a jack-off," Remus mumbled under his breath as Marlene handed the gift over. Beth smiled but clenched her hands together tight as Sirius turned it over and over, shook it once, and finally started peeling apart the paper.

"Open it up," Marlene urged.

"I am."

"Open it faster."

"Would you calm down, you insatiable woman?"

Marlene's eyes practically twinkled in response. The double entendre was not lost on Beth, nor was the wink that Sirius gave her back.

She should take the gift back, Beth thought to herself. Take it back, throw it away. Maybe burn it. She'd read too much into something that wasn't even there to begin with, and this was her repercussion: watching him fall head over heels with some beautiful, sophisticated, clever—

"It's a tape."

There was a slight pause in the room as everyone sat a little closer to look at the object in his hands, and Beth held her breath. "A tape?" James asked.

"What's that paper underneath it?" Remus pointed to Sirius' hands.

Sirius set the tape aside and pulled out the card that came along with it. A flood of memories came back to her as he glanced down the list and smiled.

"I don't like this song."

Beth laughed. "You don't like it because it's not by one of the three bands you listen to."

"Okay, first off, I work at a radio station. I listen to music for a living. Your comment is offensive and insulting. Second, this song is terrible."

"Is this a mixtape?" Sirius asked Beth, looking at her directly and fondly, an almost wistful expression to his face.

"You said you'd never gotten one."

"Has no one ever made you a mixtape?"

"What is this? A new fad? The new thing all the kids are doing these days?"

She shook her head and walked towards the tape player. "I can't believe this. I would have thought you of all people."

"What's a mixtape?" Marlene asked, leaning over to pluck the object from his hands.

"You put a bunch of different songs on a tape," Sirius explained, but his eyes were solely focused on Beth. "They all follow a theme."

"Why these songs in particular?"

"Sometimes they have a theme with it. This one is a list of songs we'd serenade this one professor we both had with."

"Is this the married professor you went out with?"

"Oh, shut up."

"What songs are on there, then?" James asked.

She'd ran over to him and had grabbed his hand, closing it into a fist and raising it like a microphone to her mouth. "THERE'S A STAAAAR MAAAAN WAITING IN THE SKY."

She'd thrown the invisible microphone to him. He'd paused for a moment, a quiet and sincere expression briefly crossing his face, and with a small, almost nonexistent smile, he'd continued, "He's told us not to blow it."

Sirius began reading off the list. "'Starman,' 'Vincent-'"

"'Starry, Starry Night'," Beth corrected.

He looked back up at her. "It says 'Vincent.'"

"Yeah, but in parenthesis—"

"Okay, okay, fine, 'Starry, Starry Night,'" Sirius chuckled. He looked back down at the list. "'Shooting Star,' 'The Prettiest Star,' 'Star Star,—'"

"I think I'm picking up on the theme," Lily teased.

He looked back up at her, a knowing smirk twinkling in his eyes. "Is this because of my name?"

She'd pointed up. "That one?"

"That one," he'd agreed, but hadn't stepped away. "I'll lend you that one."

"What, you think you have control of a star?"

"Have control of it? It was named after me."

Beth simply nodded. Sirius said nothing aloud but gazed at her as if there was something he desperately wanted to say.

"Well let's play it then, yeah?" James asked, snatching the tape out of his hands.

As James went to put in the tape, Lily stood up and announced that she was going to make some tea. Marlene stood up with her, telling her she would help. Beth didn't miss Marlene dragging Sirius' gaze away from her as she reached out her hand to him, asking him if he wanted something to drink too. Sirius grasped Marlene's hand close to his chest and made some dumb speech about her being the savior of his life. That was when Beth decided to excuse herself if only to get away from the display.

She leaned against the bathroom door once she closed it, trying to ignore the reflection staring directly back at her. She didn't know what she was doing here. Yes, James had been the one to ask her to come, but so far, she felt as if she hadn't been any help at all; at least, she wasn't any help now. She sighed, walking over to the sink and splashing water on her face. All she should be focused on was whether or not James was okay, and yet she found herself thinking only of her problems — namely a long-legged, brunette bombshell that Sirius was clearly smitten with.

She hadn't had the opportunity to truly talk to him since he'd gotten back. Marlene had seen to that. The few times they'd interacted were only off-handed remarks or quickly discussions of whether or not he wanted cream in his coffee. She just hoped she'd have the opportunity to speak to him before her visit was over, which was quickly starting to seem like a slim chance.

She sighed and decidedly pulled herself together. Remus was still here, and he would keep her company for the remainder of the holiday. If the entire trip was spent with him, she'd have zero complaints. She nodded to herself once and fluffed her hair for good measure, then went to the door.

"James said that it'd help to have her here."

A snort followed. "What, to sit around and pine after Sirius?"

Beth paused at the conversation, moving to shut the bathroom door only to a crack. She had a sinking feeling she knew exactly who they were talking about.

"I don't know, Mar," she heard Lily say. "When we first met her, I thought she was lovely. Very kind, a great friend to James."

"And now?"

"Now when I look at her, all I can see is Sirius' face when he told us about everything."

"He told me about you guys deciding to tell her everything."

Lily sighed. "It ended up becoming so much more complicated and involved than any of us thought it would be. She wouldn't talk to him for a while. Anytime she did, it'd be her yelling at him for lying to her."

"Did you not explain the Statute of Secrecy?"

"No, we did. She just thought herself higher than the law and made Sirius miserable because of it. Then she spent all this time leading him on and making it seem like she wanted to be with him and Merlin knows what else, and all it did was make him more miserable once he got back. I told him to just go sleep with you and shake it off."

Marlene laughed, and a sound had never been more cacophonic to Beth's ears. "What are you, my pimp?"

"Are you going to tell me that wasn't what that two-week holiday was? A two-week shag-fest?"

"Lily!" Marlene laughed.

Beth waited for a denial. None followed.

Without a word to anyone, Beth walked into the living room and gathered together the presents she'd been given. She didn't look to anyone, afraid that her face would betray her emotions. How would she even respond? No, I'm not okay, I just practically heard that two people hate me and I'm stuck on another continent and can't leave. How are you doing?

Standing up, she took her small pile of presents to the spare bedroom and threw them on the bed. She had no idea what to do. She'd apologized to Sirius for all of her insensitive comments, for blaming him for something he could not change or control. Had he not told everyone about that? Had he not told everyone how she gave up her plans to spend the night with him after they found out about his brother? Had he not told everyone how she gave him anything he needed?

Actually, on second thought, it'd probably be for the best if no one knew about that one.

She sighed and crossed her arms, Lily's words ringing in her ears. She spent all this time leading him on and making it seem like she wanted to be with him again, and all it did was make him more miserable once he got back. Had he truly been miserable? Was it miserableness that caused him to never attempt to contact her, never once to reach out and say, "Hey, thank you for letting me stay here for a month"? Even a "thank you for the shag" would have been nice to hear. Something, something to tell her that he hadn't regretted every moment he'd been there, that he hadn't been thinking of someone else the entire time, that he missed her—

"Hey, thanks for this."

Beth jumped at Sirius's voice and turned around to face him. He was looking down at the list of songs for the tape. Absentmindedly, she heard a familiar tune playing and realized that no one had yet to turn the music off. She smiled despite herself. "You like it?"

He nodded once and raised his eyes to meet hers. "You know there're three Bowie songs on here though, right? Is this an attempt to get me to confirm I've met him?"

"Is it going to work?"

He shook his head.

"Darn."

"You could have been more subtle about it, though. Three is quite a bit."

"Hey, there's two Earth, Wind, and Fire songs on there, too."

"Oh, so there's a variety."

"Exactly."

He laughed, then looked back down at the list. "How long did it take you to do this? You weren't working on it when I was there, were you?"

She shrugged. "Let's just say I got C's on my finals and leave it at that."

"Beth—"

"No," she interrupted, shaking her head vigorously, doing everything in her power to make sure that this wouldn't be something he felt miserable about. "I had fun making it. My old roommate works at a radio station. I had her help me."

"Oh, the friend that made the one we were listening to that night we—"

His eyes momentarily went wide at the realization of what he was about to say, and this time a different memory, this one full of angst and despair and a smidge of hope, surfaced to her mind.

"I will be whoever you need me to be. Whatever you need from me, all you'll ever have to do is ask."

"Whatever I need?" he asked.

She gave him the smallest of nods, followed by the smallest of smiles, but when she spoke, her voice was strong and sure and steady. "Whatever you need."

"—The last night I was there," Sirius softly continued.

"Yeah," Beth replied lamely.

For a brief moment, all she could do was stare at him, and it seemed to be all he was capable of as well. She saw his eyes flick down to her lips, then glance back up at her eyes, and Beth wanted, craved, some kind of contact to remind her of all that had happen, all that could still happen.

And then she remembered Marlene. And then she remembered Lily.

She pulled away, turning back to start organizing the gifts she'd been given. "For the record," she said, making a show of pretending to care where she put them, "I didn't want to put the Rolling Stones song on there, but Polly told me if I put the Elvis song then I had to put—what?"

She had glanced over at him, expecting to see him starting to walk back towards the living room, halfway out the door, but instead, he was staring at her with that same intensity as moments before. If anything, the distance made it all the more electrifying, seeing his whole body tense and rigid, as if stopping himself from doing something.

He swallowed hard. "It's just… very good to see you again."

"Is it?" she asked, her voice quiet. "With the way you reacted last night, you didn't sound—"

"I was surprised. I wasn't expecting to see you."

"Ever again?"

Sirius looked down, flipping the paper around in his hand. "I had to come back, Beth."

She fingered a gift on her bed. "You didn't have to stay away," she mumbled.

He took a step forward. "I didn't—"

"Hey, you hungry?"

Beth turned back towards her bed at the familiar voice as Sirius turned to face Marlene who, yet again, interrupted the two of them. "Absolutely famished," he replied a little too easily, as if everything had been brushed aside and nothing had been going on. As if he hadn't just looked miserable. "What's on the menu?"

"Sandwiches from the leftovers. Do you want one?"

"I would love one," he replied, wrapping an arm around Marlene's shoulder as she wrapped one around his waist. "What else are you offering?"

A rich, delicious laugh escaped her. Beth cringed. "Nothing for you, my dear."

"No dessert?" he asked as they began walking out her door.

"If you want dessert, you're going to have to go get it yourself."

Beth heard him mumble a response, but didn't hear what he said. She did, however, hear Marlene giggle in response, and that slight difference between that first laugh and this new giggle was so drastic that Beth flopped down on the floor in defeat. She knew enough about life to know that Marlene was flaunting her conquest in Beth's face. And after what she'd just heard moments ago, she knew it was nothing but a conquest.

She just wished she'd known there'd been a competition. She might have had a fighting chance, then.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. "Hey, you all right?" Remus asked.

Beth shook her head, and her friend sat down next to her on the floor. "Do I make you miserable?"

He laughed aloud. "What? Of course not."

"Do I make Sirius miserable?"

At that question, no laugh followed. She stared straight ahead, waiting for an answer, though the silence that followed told her what she already knew. "Who told you that?"

She sighed. "I heard people talking about it."

"Who?"

"Marlene and Lily." She twisted her hands together, focusing on them, refusing to let her eyes begin to fill with tears. "Right after they all but stated they hate me."

She thought back to that first day she'd met Lily all those months ago. Back then, things had been so simple and easy. Back then, she still hadn't known everything she knew now, this whole other world they were all a part of. Now, everything was different, and she couldn't keep up with the number of changes that were being thrown at her.

"I apologized for everything," Beth whispered brokenly. "I know that I was mean and cruel, but I apologized and he forgave me. I'm not sure what else I need to do. I don't know how much more of myself I can give."

Remus eyed her curiously. "How much more you can gi—how much of yourself have you given?"

Her eyes went wide and she bit her lip.

He dropped his head and groaned. "Beth—"

"It was just after he found out about his brother, what was I supposed to do?"

"Your go-to was to sleep with him? After everything?"

"I told him to take what he needed."

"You knew what he was going to ask for." He shook his head. "Tell me the truth. Did you go into that conversation hoping that would happen?"

Beth bit her tongue and looked down, embarrassment and shame flooding her cheeks with crimson.

Remus sighed, readjusting his stance so that his forearms were resting on his knees. "You want to know about Marlene and Lily? They've been there with him, just like we have, through everything. We've all seen him at his highs, and we've seen him through many, many lows. Since you entered the picture, there have been a lot more lows."

Her heart twisted and fell deep into her stomach. "That can't all be my fault, though."

"Come here," he said, opening his arm to encircle her shoulders. She leaned up against him as he ran his hand up and down her arm and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You are," he whispered to her, "a gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, kind, lovely person, and you have been elemental to my happiness this past couple of months. You've been elemental to his happiness, too; but, you keep making decisions that benefit you when your focus needs to be what will benefit him. You try to fix things, and to an extent, that's fine. But if you're only focusing on how it will affect your life, then you're not doing it correctly. Sometimes, people don't need a person to try to fix it, or try to explain it, or even try to ignore it. Sometimes, people need a person to just sit there and listen without judgment."

"But I have been—"

"You're getting better at it," Remus nodded, squeezing her shoulder. "Sirius told me about some of the past conversations you've had. You're making progress. I think you recognize where improvement could be beneficial. Even when that bloke was over when I came that one night, what was his name?"

Beth let out a nervous laugh. "David."

"David, yes, poor chap. Didn't have a clue as to what was going on, did he?"

She smiled into his shoulder.

"You told me then that you regretted hurting him. That's key. Things only become a problem when you refuse to recognize that one exists. The current relationship you have with Sirius? It could potentially be a problem. You captured his attention, and then repeatedly stepped on his heart. It'd be very hard for him to see that you're trying to make things better. It'll be even harder for us to see that you're trying to make things better." He leaned down, closer to her ear. "But who's to say that you shouldn't still try?"

She glanced up at him. "Is it even worth it at this point?"

"That's up for you to decide. I will tell you, not one of us wants to see our friend hurting again. And I'm sorry Beth, but," he chuckled, "sleeping with him was probably the worst way to begin that."

Beth kept her focus on her hands at his brutally honest words and nodded once. They sat there like that in silence, and Beth let the reality of his words sink in. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep tears away.

Remus interrupted the silence after a moment. "Can I ask you something?" She nodded once. "Why were you able to forgive James so quickly and make Sirius suffer?"

She swallowed back the knot forming in her throat. "James is one of my closest friends. I couldn't lose him."

"And Sirius?"

"Sirius is…" she paused, trying to find the right words, "more than a friend. Somehow, it hurt more from him."

"You forgave him when he showed up drunk out of his mind."

"He explained why that happened."

"No, you forgave him long before that. Long before any explanation. Remember when we first met? You said then that you'd forgiven him."

Beth shook her head. "I'm pretty sure you asked if I still liked him, and I didn't respond."

"Well then," Remus said, turning his head to face her. "Answer me now. Do you still like him?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you like him maybe a bit more than you should?"

Her cheeks flushed crimson again.

He nodded tersely. "Beth, there's always going to be people who don't like you. I can't stop Marlene and Lily, and frankly, they have fairly good reason to not like you. So the question then becomes, how are you going to change their minds?"

"How would I even begin to?" she asked.

Remus sighed. "The way I see it, you have three options. Option one," he pointed out a finger, "leave us all and never come back."

She laughed. "Not happening."

"Good, that was mainly a joke, please don't do that." He put out another finger. "Option two, you move on. You distance yourself from him, you make sure that you're not joking in the same way that you used to, not speaking to each other regularly, start seeing somebody else—David, if you have to—and ask him to limit the number of times he comes to visit you. You move on as friends and only friends. After a while, they'll appreciate that you're giving him that space. Things will continue, and life will move on."

Her throat tightened at the mere idea of it. "And option three?"

She felt his eyes shift to face her directly, and he did not start to speak again until she returned the favor. He had a small, unreadable smile on his face, one that wasn't joy but wasn't exactly sad. More distant and reserved, and certainly closed off. "Option three," he finally said, "is to get him back and not let him go. But if you go for that, Beth, then you have to know that those potential problems will need to be recognized. All it does is make people hurt. We're in the middle of a war. He hurts enough already. We all hurt enough already. We don't need help."

She nodded her head again. "You're right," she conceded.

"Now, I will say, if he ever gets to a point where he doesn't like you, he who has stood up for you repeatedly whether you realize it or not, then you probably deserve it. Then we'd have to choose sides, and, on principle, we'd have to go with him, and then none of us would like you."

"Even you?"

Beth looked toward him, expecting amusement to be dancing in his eyes at her question. Instead, he looked at her as if he was inspecting her, tracing his eyes over every detail of her face. Finally, he gave her a small grin.

"No," he said sincerely. "I'll always like you."

Beth smiled. "Always?"

"Always."


Beth looked at the clock and sighed, a practice that was quickly becoming routine.

She couldn't sleep. Again.

She hadn't gotten to speak to Sirius at all that evening, which, in hindsight, might have been the best. After hearing Remus' three options, she truly wasn't sure which of the three she should pursue. Even now, hours later — and a probable two more hours of laying here restlessly on top of that — she still wasn't sure.

Instead, she'd watched him. Watched him interact with James and Lily, watched him interact with Remus, and most importantly, watched him interact with Marlene. He smiled more with her, more genuine, affectionate smiles that showed he truly cared about having her in his life. She returned them every single time, giving him comforting pats or letting her fingers swindle through his hair. With her, he seemed at peace. With James, Lily, and Remus, he laughed. Hard, rich, full belly-laughs that reverberated across the room. With those combinations, he seemed to be more like himself, less downtrodden than she was sure he had been the past couple of weeks if James' confession to her in her apartment living room was anything to go off of. With them, he seemed content.

On the few times he looked at Beth herself, she saw only confusion and uncertainty. With her, she didn't know.

Marlene left for her home around 10:30 that night, promising to stop by soon to check up on him, and had left him with a small but lingering kiss on his cheek. His eyes had closed the second her lips pressed against his skin. Beth had tried and most assuredly failed, to hide her disappointment, claiming tiredness only moments later and huffing off to bed.

Now, she was suffering the consequences of going to bed with a full mind.

And God, she couldn't stop replaying that small, innocent kiss.

Alcohol, she decided. She needed alcohol.

With a small huff, she pulled herself out of bed and slipped on her robe. Pulling the door slightly ajar, she saw James and Lily's door shut. On tiptoe to not disturb them, she crept towards the kitchen, paying careful mind to not wake up Sirius in the living room. Once she got to the kitchen, though, she realized her attempt was futile. Beth jumped when she saw Sirius already sitting at the table in the kitchen, a drink in his hand. "Oh, hey," she offered lamely.

"Hey."

She tightened the robe around her and crossed her arms across her chest. "Couldn't sleep either?"

He shook his head. "It's been a while since I've been able to sleep."

"Oh? How long?"

"Well, let's see. How long ago did you and I hook up?"

He was drunk, she realized with a start. Not all the way gone, but enough to cloud his judgment and loosen his tongue. She'd only seen him like this once before, and it had been the night of that first catastrophic date, where he'd been crass and rude and awful. She swallowed hard, moving over to the cabinet to pull out a glass, determining to not focus on the question. "You never told me, how was Switzerland?"

"Why are you here, Beth?"

She paused at his blatant disregard for her question but did not yet turn back around. "James asked me to come."

"Why didn't he ask me?"

"He did. You didn't respond."

She heard liquid filling a glass behind her and turned to see his glass of firewhiskey filled to the brim. Beth approached him slowly, taking the bottle from his hands. "I couldn't come back," he whispered, watching her fill her glass. "Not then. I couldn't face it."

"Then what made you come back now?"

"Marlene told me I should."

Her heart tightened in sad anger as she mentally pictured them in the throes of passion, gasping and panting and touching everywhere, Marlene whispering in his ear, Let's go back. She shook her head, clearing the picture from her mind. "Do you often do what Marlene tells you to do?"

Sirius' eyes bore into hers at her response, silently questioning her. She didn't care. Her response was petty and stupid and selfish, and she didn't care. She stared back at him intentionally, waiting for his response. "She's a voice of reason when I have none," he finally offered.

She scoffed. "And a good shag too if you're taking her to Switzerland with you for two weeks."

His eyes widened at her brazenness. She responded by downing her entire drink without taking her eyes from him. The alcohol burned, but so did everything else in her. She might as well give it a legitimate reason as to why.

"Who told you that?"

Her eyebrows lifted. "So it's true?"

He brought his eyes to his drink and lifted it to his mouth. "Marlene and I's relationship is complicated. And none of your concern."

"Friends with benefits doesn't sound all that complicated to me." His mouth twitched, and he took a long drink. "Especially since that's what you tried to pursue with me."

She was pushing him, but she didn't care. His lack of an emotional response despite his intoxication was bothering her. Option two it is, then, she decided. She wanted him to give her something, something to finally let her move on from him. She just had to press him enough.

"What gave you that idea?"

"You slept with me and then you left."

"You offered and then my parents were dying." He leaned forward, glass still in his hand. "Exactly how am I the one at fault?"

Stop, Beth, she heard a voice that sounded suspiciously like Remus' say in her mind. This is a potential problem. She ignored it, pressing on. "You could have written."

"Yeah, and they could have not died," he said, standing up to tower over her. His eyes were glassy and fogged and hurting. "What do you want me to do, rewrite the past? Figure out a way to turn back all of time and make them healthy again? Or would you just want me to fix the fact that your feelings were hurt because I left to go be with the people you had only moments ago deemed to be my family?"

She was getting what she wanted. Anger. Hurt. A reaction. But she wasn't prepared for the reality. "That's not fair," she whispered accusingly.

"No, it's not fair. You're absolutely bloody correct on that."

"You could have written me—"

"You could have done the same, don't forget. Surely you won't be unfair on this matter, too."

He was leaning in so close to her that she could smell the firewhiskey on his breath. "I deserved an explanation."

"I deserve to have my family alive," he spat. "Instead, I have no one."

"That's not true." His eyes narrowed at her in question. She looked back at him with all of the sincerity she could muster. "You have Marlene."

He stared at her hard for a long moment, and with the proximity and the heated exchange they were sharing, she thought for a moment that he was going to lean in closer to her. Instead, he studied her, his breath heavy against her skin. Then his mouth twitched in a smirk. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

She rolled her eyes, but they didn't meet his again. "I'm not—"

"You are." His voice came out like a laugh, but it held no joy. "You don't care about me not writing or trying to contact you. You care that I brought someone else along with me."

"You're awfully full of yourself, Sirius."

"It's true though, isn't it?" He grabbed her arms and pulled her in closer, and now their bodies were touching, and he was strong and hot against her. It was an obvious act of intimidation, but she steeled her nerves and stared directly back at him, refusing to give him the satisfaction of cowering before him. "That's what you can't stand. That's what's making you act so selfishly."

"I am not being selfish," she seethed.

"You are."

His eyes were darkening, and when his gaze dropped down to her lips, she felt her strength falter. He would never be this brazen sober. He leaned in so that his lips were running down her hair, breath tickling her ear, and she shuddered. She brought her hands up to clutch at his arms, telling herself it was to try to regain control and not to steady herself.

"Did you miss me, Beth?" He spoke into her ear softly, a stark contrast to the grip on her arms. "Is that what this is? Not that you were jealous of her coming, but that she got to see me every day and you didn't?"

"You're an egocentric prick."

Her insult came out breathless and wanting, and he smiled against her.

"Did you miss me?" he repeated. His teeth grazed against her ear.

"Did you miss me?" she countered, hoping he didn't detect the hope in her voice.

He pulled away slowly from her but brought his face closer than it had been before. So close that the only place she could look was at his mouth. "Every day," he responded.

A hand came up to card fingers through her hair and she tried, tried so very hard not to respond to it, but it was so familiar and welcome that her eyes closed at the sensation. She pulled him closer. She'd wanted an emotional response. She never considered the possibility that it might have come from her. His mouth grazed her forehead with something that wasn't even a kiss, just lips brushing skin, but it was so sensual and promising that her breath caught in her throat.

"Nothing happened between Marlene and me. She came along to make sure I ate and slept. That's all she's been doing today, too. You've seen her. Every ten minutes, like clockwork. If she hadn't come… I wanted to escape reality for a bit, and she stayed. We never—" She pulled back slightly at his sudden stop, and his eyes now held no color, just want and desire. "Every single day, Beth."

She swallowed hard. "Me too."

He smiled.

She didn't really like option two, anyway.

Maybe if fate hadn't intervened, or they had come down two minutes earlier, or if they'd been in simply another room of the small flat, that night would have ended differently. The world would never know. Instead, they were right where they were, and as Beth stood there contemplating whether she should be the one to lean in or if she should wait for him to do it first, a door from down the hall shut a little too hard. Beth's eyes closed tight as she jumped at the sound, then opened them back up to look at Sirius. He was wearing the same expression she knew she now donned.

A missed opportunity.

They stepped apart, Sirius looking like it was a very laborious effort on his part. He stalked back over to the table towards the firewhiskey, Beth to the sink to fill her glass up with water. A silent tension filled the air as both refused to look at the other, only the sound of their heavy breathing accompanying them.

She could still feel his hands in her hair…

It was James who came into the room, eyes heavy with sleep. "What are you guys doing?" He rubbed his eyes, squinting over at Sirius. "Where'd you get that?"

"I know where Evans hides the good stuff."

"Right, my wife. My wife wants food." He staggered over to the icebox, heaving it open. "A sandwich."

"Can she not make her own?" Sirius snorted.

James shot him a glare. "She's making a child, you prat. I think I can make her a sandwich."

Beth smiled and dumped the water out of her cup. "I think I'm going to head to bed," she announced as she turned around to face the others.

"Goodnight, Beth," James said as he reached for a loaf of bread. His tired eyes missed the heated glance his two friends exchanged.

Sirius said nothing, just rigidly raised his glass to her.

She licked her lips but didn't say a word, just walked out of the suddenly too-small kitchen.

When she was finally back in her room, cuddled under the covers of her bed, she had the momentary thought that maybe he was far enough gone that he'd come staggering into her room instead of resuming his place on the couch. That he'd come in to finish what they'd started, what they both clearly wanted. When she heard the two say goodnight from the kitchen, she laid there motionless, simply waiting.

He never came, though.

A missed opportunity, indeed.


A/N: Did you actually make a playlist? you may be asking. The answer: OF FREAKING COURSE I DID. I have had this made since September and have been anxiously waiting for the day I finally got to share it with you all! The only thing is that it is definitely much longer than what would fit on a mixtape in the 1970s, but we don't live in the 1970s, so why limit ourselves? It's a pretty eclectic mix of music, and there are certainly songs on here that are better than others. The question is, which ones do YOU like?

Here's the playlist for you (which has been nimblescrivener approved, bless that beautiful person):

Starman - David Bowie

Vincent (Starry, Starry Night) - Don McLean

Shooting Star - Bad Company

The Prettiest Star - David Bowie

Star Star - The Rolling Stones

Star Baby - The Guess Who

Shining Star - Earth, Wind, & Fire

Highway Star - Deep Purple

Dark Star - Crosby, Stills, & Nash

A New Star - Roy Orbinson, Alex Orbinson, and Chuck Turner

Star in the Dust - Walter Egan

Flaming Star - Elvis Presley

Star - David Bowie

Swinging on a Star - Frank Sinatra

Star - Earth, Wind, & Fire