Posted 2020-02-25
Pain was a useful thing.
Bella was exploring the shape and texture of the pain in her arm. It was soft and palpable—gritty even, like the wet sand that bordered the water and the rocks of the beach. It could suck your foot in so easily with its regular waves until suddenly, you were buried in it.
The pain was a safe place though. She had learned to use it effectively in Edward's time away. It smothered other, less controllable sensations and feelings.
She was using it now. It helped. Sarah's absence was less acute.
The ringing of the phone by her bed interrupted this meditative exercise.
"Hello," she said, voice rough with the early morning.
"Hey," Charlie's voice said. "Sorry to wake you."
"Dad?" Bella said, wondering where he was that he was calling her.
"Yeah, I got called out pretty early this morning."
"Everything okay?" she asked, fairly sure it wasn't.
"No," he said. "Another animal attack. I just wanted to make sure you were up and ready for Moira."
She shivered despite the warmth of the room. "Of course," Bella said, making her voice sound normal. She looked at the clock. It was six. Moira was due at seven thirty for their home inspection.
"Sue's free today if you need anything. I'm sorry I can't be there—"
"Dad, it's okay. I get it. It'll be fine."
"All right," he said. "Moira's pretty sensible. You don't have anything to worry about. Just answer her questions when she's there. I have every confidence Sarah's coming home Tuesday morning."
The sudden lump in her throat made her "'kay"" come out as a whisper.
"Love you, Bells."
"Love you too, Dad."
She put the phone down and lay back into the bed, focusing on her arm again.
The pain there was making her think about other pains. She remembered with a sudden and florid blush the mortifying conversation with Edward from the night before. She shifted away from it, recalling that night from almost a year ago.
She hadn't minded that pain.
It had been a safe place too.
Jacob had, though. She'd seen it in his face, the curve of his eyebrows a perfect inversion of his mouth.
"It's okay," she'd whispered, but the grip of her fingers did not assure him. Their movements were just slipping over from the sting of her discomfort when she realised what it had been keeping at bay.
Enough, she told herself, and threw off the covers. She got up, showered, dressed, and made herself eat something.
Next steps, she repeated in her mind. Next steps.
She should tidy up.
So she did, and by just after seven was confident that Moira would at least not think they were entirely slovenly. This was good because Moira was early, and Bella felt her heart skip beats as she ran to get to the door.
It wasn't Moira though. It was Edward.
"Hi," she said, startled, but not unpleasantly so. The skipping beats had reinserted themselves, making her heart thud loudly at the sight of him.
"Good morning," he murmured. "I wasn't sure if you wanted someone with you for this. Alice says Moira will be a few minutes late."
"Please," Bella said. The possibilities unlocked by their conversation last night were making it hard to think coherently. The lack of sleep wasn't helping either. She'd been up several times to pump and store the milk for Sarah.
He took her hand as she stepped back from the door to let him in, not letting her go. "How're you doing?" he asked softly, rubbing his fingers over those of her good hand.
"Tired," she said. "Holding it together." She shrugged. "Trying to believe people when they tell me this will be over in a few days. I don't suppose Alice—?"
Edward smiled at her. "She can't see Sarah, but she did see you and me together, happy, and that there was still snow on the ground."
Bella looked outside at the snow there. "It's rare for it to last long."
"Mmm," he said, "so it could be a good sign."
Bella nodded hopefully. "Maybe."
"How can I help you today?" he asked.
"Keep me company?" she said, eyebrows furrowed, thinking of seeing Sarah and then having to leave her again.
"I hadn't imagined not being here," he said softly, pushing a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
She wondered if arrhythmia felt this way, hearing her breathing quicken. Her habit was to retreat from the contact, keep herself safe, but she forced herself to relax. She'd said she would give this a chance.
It was intensely conflicting, knowing the pulls of desire, caution, fear . . . and guilt.
"Is there anything I can do for you while you're gone?" he asked. .
She thought for a minute. "Keep Charlie safe," she said. "I don't know where he is, but he said there was another . . . animal attack."
Edward nodded. "Emmett and Jasper are there." Seeing her quizzical look, he continued. "They followed him out this morning."
"Thank you," she said, feeling the acute relief, knowing that he was safe.
Edward was watching her, still holding her hand, wanting very much to kiss her. He didn't and he didn't ask, promising himself he would wait for her. It was a promise he wanted to keep, but worried he wouldn't be able to.
It was his turn to be relieved when he heard Moira's car approaching. It would not do to have Bella distracted now, but it might later.
"Can I take you out tonight? Distract you with dinner?" he asked. "Maybe a trip to the bookstore?"
She smiled. It was wonderful to see. "Yes, please. Both would be lovely." She didn't need to add, "with you."
Edward let her hand go reluctantly when she went to answer the door.
"Morning, Bella," Moira said. "Ready to get started?"
"Sure," she said, inviting her in.
Moira paused, visibly taken aback when she saw Edward. "Hi," she managed to say. "You're . . . ?"
"Edward Cullen," he said quietly, trying to appear as undaunting as possible. He wasn't very successful.
Moira looked utterly flustered, blushing noticeably.
Bella felt a pang of sympathy for the woman and then an unexpected and violent wash of jealousy. She made herself take a deep breath in and pushed it slowly out. "Shall I give you the grand tour?" she asked.
"Please," Moira said, pulling out her file, trying to recover. "Will you be staying, Mr. Cullen?" she asked.
"If Bella wants, yes."
"Dad got called away this morning," Bella said by way of explanation, "Edward came for moral support."
Moira pointedly avoided looking at Bella's hand, keeping her gaze settled on the safe neutrality of her paper. "I'm glad you have support, Bella. Why don't we get started then, so you can get to your baby sooner."
This made Bella's stomach squirm uneasily. She wanted to see her, but she worried already about how she would handle leaving her.
They went quickly through the house, Moira more than satisfied with everything.
Bella gathered the rest of what she needed for Sarah, Moira going ahead of her by a few minutes. "If she's hungry, should I have him hold off on feeding her?" she asked.
Bella frowned. If she said no, did that count against her? She wanted to nurse Sarah, badly.
Moira could see her conundrum. "It's not a trick question, Bella. I know you want to nurse her. I just need to know what to tell Mr. Black."
"Please, if she isn't too upset. I'll only be a few minutes behind you."
"Sure," she said, smiling.
Bella grabbed the breast pump to put in her bag, just in case.
"Mind if I drive?" Edward asked.
"But, you can't—"
"Sam's meeting us at the boundary," he said.
"He is?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Why?" she asked, this time with her eyes narrowed.
"Because I asked him to."
"And why did you ask him to?"
"I want to make sure we're clear on our priorities and a few other details."
She lifted an eyebrow at this. "Is that a polite way of saying 'pissing match'?"
Edward grinned. He hadn't seen much of her sense of humour. "No," he said. "We've talked before, but it's . . . easier for us to talk if you're there."
Bella understood what else would be communicated by that meeting as well. "I haven't told Charlie about us yet," she said quietly, "and he needs to hear it first from me. Then I can tell Billy and and everyone else."
"I have no plans to say anything," he said innocently.
"It wasn't the spoken words I was worried about," she said, sitting down in the passenger side as he opened the door. She knocked her hand, reaching for the seatbelt, and he frowned at her hissed breath.
Sliding in the driver's side, he looked at her injured hand and reached over, fingering it gently. "That must hurt a lot," he said.
She shrugged.
"When you had Sarah," he said softly, "you refused pain medication."
She looked up at him, caught off guard. He would know, she supposed, thinking about when they'd arrived.
"And you did again yesterday," he said. It wasn't a judgment. He spoke carefully, his tone communicating a neutral observation.
He had started the car by this point, moving swiftly onto the road. It still unnerved her to have him reverse without looking.
"And?" she said.
"I heard your explanation to your midwife," he said softly. He had slipped his hand under her uninjured one. "I wondered if it was for the same reasons."
She took a slow breath in and then let it out. Be honest, she told herself. "Yes."
"Okay," he said and kept driving.
She looked at him directly, and he looked back, eyebrows up as if waiting for her to talk. When he said nothing else, she looked away again, feeling confused. He would have pressed in the past. Pushed.
He'd made good time—without violating state laws—and Sam's tall shape was soon in sight, leaning casually against a tree at the road's snow-covered shoulder. Edward opened the door for her, offering his hand so she wouldn't hurt hers again. She took it, and even at a distance, could see Sam's eyebrows go up as he watched.
So much for telling Charlie first.
As they approached, Edward kept hold of her hand, more firmly than she thought necessary, but then she realized he was keeping her just slightly back from him, like he wanted a bit more distance between her and Sam.
"Hey, Sam," Bella said, pulling her hand away from Edward's, and giving Sam a hug.
"Hey, yourself," he said. "You holding up okay?"
Not really, she thought but nodded anyway. Few people wanted the uglier truths.
"I'll take her from here," Sam said.
Edward's face betrayed nothing, but his stillness spoke volumes.
Bella's eyes danced back and forth between them, suddenly nervous at the charged air.
"I thought it might be good for us to speak for a moment," Edward said.
"I'll call you later," Sam said, looking at Bella pointedly and then turning and effectively dismissing him. "You want to drive, Bella?" he asked, nodding at her hand.
"Call me when you come back," Edward said to her. "I'll be here." Then he was gone. She felt a momentary panic and struggled to smooth out the twist in her gut. He would be there later, she told herself. He'd said he would.
"Bella?" Sam asked. "You driving or me?"
"Do you mind?" she said, distracted.
His nose wrinkled when he got in the car, but he didn't say anything. Sam was, at best, taciturn. He made for easy company, and the ride to Billy's was quick.
"I'll be outside. Seth'll be by later to spell me. We'll stay out of your way."
Bella wanted to say that they were welcome but decided against it. They weren't there for social calls. Perhaps it would be best to have fewer people around with the social worker there.
Sarah was awake and alert when she got there. Billy was pleased with himself. He'd managed to cajole Sarah into an early bottle so she'd be ready for Bella when she came.
"Thank you," she said, hugging him as she took Sarah in her arms.
She tried very hard not to cry, feeling her there again.
Moira busied herself with paperwork and notes, staying in view but largely leaving Bella to Billy's company.
"Sue's coming with lunch," he said, "but I made the pièce de résistance." He grinned.
"Oh yeah? What's that?" Bella asked, laughing a little, rewrapping Sarah's blanket.
"Jello, of course," he said, turning to go to the kitchen.
Bella's stomach lurched, and she could feel the blood draining from her face.
"Jake's favourite," he said, a little more subdued.
Yes, Bella thought. It was.
"Don't know what the kid was thinking. We have tonnes of the stuff. Do you like Jello, too, or something?" Billy called from the kitchen.
Bella cleared her throat, forcing the words out. "Not really, no," she called back.
"Huh," he said. "Well, do me favour and have some today."
"Sure, Billy," Bella said.
The night had gone well for Sarah, and neither Billy nor Leah was too worse for the wear. "Still got the touch," Billy said, quite self-satisfactorily but then grinned widely at Bella. "But I'll be glad to be going back to just being grandpa on Tuesday morning, if you don't mind."
"Thank you, Billy," Bella said softly, "for doing this."
"'Course," he said. "Any of us would." By 'any,' she understood who. She was grateful.
It was easier to leave this time, knowing Sarah had been well-cared for.
"Get a good night's sleep, hey," Billy said, "because tomorrow, I'm going to take a nap while you're here."
She laughed. Always with the jokes. She wondered if Sarah would be like that.
"And Bella," he said, coming close, taking Sarah, "remember who Sarah's family is. They're yours too"
These words should have been a comfort, but they chilled her, settling icily in her stomach. She swallowed, smiling uneasily, and nodded.
Edward met her at the boundary line, stepping into view at the road's shoulder. He opened the driver's side door and smiled, offering her a hand.
"That much confidence in my driving, hmm?"
"Tonnes," he smiled, "but I drive faster."
"You in a rush?" she asked, trying to keep things light.
"Yes," he said, "to whisk you away to more exciting locales. Dinner, remember?"
"I think four thirty might be a bit early for dinner," Bella quipped but moved to the passenger side.
"So," she said, "how'd it go with Sam?"
"It didn't," he said frowning a little. "He hasn't returned my call yet."
That did not bode well. Billy's words were still loose in her mind. She knew Sam and Edward tolerated each other, but she also knew the depth of their enmity, Sam's particularly.
Things would be much easier if they could cooperate.
She wondered if she could find a moment to speak with Sam alone tomorrow, away from Moira's attentive ears.
When they pulled up in front of the house, Bella was relieved and then anxious to see Charlie's car there.
Edward could tell why. "He suspects, Bella. I don't think this will be a surprise."
"No," she said, "he knows how I feel. He just doesn't . . . approve."
"I can't blame him," Edward said.
"Nice vote of confidence," Bella said, wanting to laugh but feeling uneasy.
"You have my every confidence," he said very seriously. "And I have a lot of respect for Charlie, which is why I don't fault him for his opinions." Then he added, "But I still think you've made the right choice because I love you."
Bella felt more uncomfortable squirming in her innards. She sighed loudly. "Right. I'm going to go get ready."
"Are you going to tell him?" Edward asked.
"Nope," she said. "But I'm telling him we're going to dinner."
Edward smiled. "All right." He would wait on her pace.
When Bella told Charlie who she was going out to dinner with, her father was reaching for the newspaper on the coffee table. He stopped abruptly, pulling his hand back and then looked at Bella. She held his gaze levelly.
He reminded himself that she and Jake had been about to move in together, that she was a grown woman, that she was a mother. And that he really didn't want to mess up his relationship with her. "Okay," he finally said, obviously trying to think of something nice to add to it. "Glad you're getting out to do something . . . fun."
"Thanks, Dad," she said, leaning in for a hug.
She'd run upstairs to use the breast pump and then change.
Charlie stopped her on the way out. "Here," he said, holding out her purse. Smiling, he said, "I added a can of bear spray."
Bella rolled her eyes. "Thanks?" she said, taking it.
"Beats breaking your other hand," he said, cocking an eyebrow, and making his point.
"I suppose so," she said with a small smile. "Don't wait up."
"Oh, I will," he said, waving from the door as she got back in the car with Edward.
It had been a joy and an indulgence to peruse the shelves of the bookstore with no press of responsibility weighing on her. It had been months since she'd been to one, and so many titles seduced her with their sultry letters that she had a full basket at her feet before long. She was so absorbed in skimming through new choices that she didn't notice Edward had replaced the full basket with an empty one. It was only when she went to pick it up with her good hand that the absence of weight jarred her.
"What?" she said, almost to herself, then looked at Edward, standing nonchalantly holding a bag of books.
"Sorry," he said, "did you want those? I thought they looked good, so I bought them. You can have the first crack at reading them, though, if you want."
She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again, grinning and chuckling. "Thank you," she said with more grace than she ever had in their time together before.
Her reaction both pleased and surprised him. She'd grown and changed in so many marvelous ways, but her willingness to accept such a small gift with graciousness filled his mind with many pleasurable possibilities.
It was cold, but not so much that it prevented the joy of a slow walk towards the area of town that featured a few restaurants.
She was still holding her injured arm against her midsection, protecting it against accidental bumps.
"Still sore?" he asked, as they sat down in a quiet table overlooking the strait.
"Mm-hmm," she said, eyeing the menu.
He fished a small vial of pills out of his pocket and set it on the table in front of her. Scanning it quickly, she caught her name. It was the pain medication Carlisle had prescribed—and that she'd refused.
She eyed the bottle and him darkly.
"Before you rightly call me interfering or pushy . . . or any other colourful word of choice, hear me out, okay?"
She said nothing but listened, eyes slightly narrowed.
"Do you still need that pain?"
"What?"
"Do you still need the pain in your arm, to deal with . . . other, difficult things?"
She frowned and looked down. "Does it matter if I do?" she finally asked him.
"It's hard to watch you hurt," he said, trying not to grimace.
She felt a twist in her stomach.
"I was wondering today if I could—or someone else could—help you not need that pain."
The thought of letting go of any of these small, manageable hurts was terrifying. She felt like a child on their first day at school, clinging to a security blanket. Except, she reminded herself, what hid under her blanket was much more frightening than what most children faced.
He was still watching, waiting, fingering the bottle. "They're safe for nursing," he said, "if that's what you're concerned about."
She considered the rattle of them, still in his hands.
"I'm surprised Charlie hasn't said anything," he said softly. "I can't imagine you letting Sarah hurt like this."
"Of course not," she said, full of reproach.
"Because, she'll take her cues from you."
After a moment, Bella picked up the bottle, opening it deftly and taking a pill.
"Thank you," he whispered softly, watching her put the remaining pills in her purse.
She wasn't so sure he would thank her later. She wasn't sure what later would bring, but she was terrified it would be much uglier than the ache in her hand.
DISCLAIMER: S. Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement intended.
