And because you've all been very patient with me….
Now
Amanda held her breath as she walked the sidewalk towards Olivia's still irresistibly charming brownstone. Every time she came down this street her skin would break out in goosebumps. It was that stunning. The road was freshly paved. The sidewalks were clean, and it was quiet compared to the rest of the city. On more than once occasion, she had dreamed up a whole life for her and Jesse in one of the homes that passed her now, and she'd more often than not grown jealous at the fact that it was Olivia's life and not hers. As is the nature of most people who see things they can't have. It's so easy to yearn for the lives of others, without any mind of what goes on behind closed doors. Her naivety stood out. And now her stomach was in knots at the quake of Olivia's disappearance.
She carefully placed her diary back into the breast of her coat and took another sip of coffee. She couldn't read anymore than she had. The last few pages were too heart breaking and raw for her to continue. Diving in, she expected it to be a clinical exposé of all things inside Olivia's head. How she really felt about the people and things going on in her life. Cases. Perps. Maybe even a few curt words about she and Carisi. But it had been nothing of the sort. Instead it was a seemingly endless record of the love she had for David and their son, which somehow seemed far worse than she could've ever dared to imagine. The love and happiness she had at one point in her life was not only envious but laced in greatness. And then one awful night someone came and took that all away from her.
After her loss, reading how she tried to cling to herself and her marriage was heartbreaking as a close friend but also as a woman. To have been so close to her when all of it was going on and never notice or suspect a thing was gut wrenching, and she was now as desperate as ever to find her so she could support her in all the ways she should have when she was around.
If she was still around.
Her stomach summersaulted again.
All of the evidence that she had since tried to ignore since her disappearance suddenly punched her in the gut and she had to stop and lean on a neighboring stair for support. In her heart she knew Olivia wasn't dead, but not knowing- and finding out about her pregnancy- all the blood they found in the kitchen. It was too much to swallow.
Melinda said the evidence was consistent with blunt force trauma. A head injury inflicted by a house hold item like a wrench or the side of a hammer. The trajectile splatter on the stove proved that. She additionally contested that the amount of blood found was consistent with a theory that Olivia had been hit with a heavy house hold object synonymous with a bat or a sledge hammer. A lot of blood was on the floor but not enough to suggest that she was dead. If they were lucky her attacker had injured to subdue, but it was impossible to tell without a trail. No one at the precinct believed she was dead. They were all in denial but they all knew she had been gravely injured and the news of her pregnancy made it that more haunting. So she was here to get some answers.
She knelt down and put her head between her knees.
She had Olivia's diary but it was only half the story. She needed to speak to David. Because how Liv painted him, was how everyone saw him. As a man completely in love with his wife. Like any woman in distress, she documented suspicions of an affair, but the way David spoke to her. The things he would say…He loved her. Something wasn't right. Nothing made any sense. Something didn't add up, she just needed to be in the room with him again. Feel him out without Carisi banging around in the background like an idiot.
She rolled her eyes and came back up for air.
Few more houses down.
She bit her lip as she approached the black door, and knocked firmly on its wooden planes. She was shocked when it opened up on it's own.
She stepped in and closed the door softly behind her, once again overwhelmed with the pristine nature of its appearance. Even after CSI had torn the place upside down on it's ass, everything somehow found its way back to where it belonged.
Everything except Olivia that is.
She cleared her throat. "David? Are you there? It's me Amanda!"
Nothing.
She latexed her hand and prepared to take a look around, but the sight of him sitting on the back patio restrained her from going any further. She walked towards him and opened the door to let herself out. It was obvious she was there so she didn't bother announcing her arrival, just tried to find a spot to sit so they could talk.
"I rang the door bell, but you didn't answer," she said, as she hovered over him. He didn't seem phased.
"You got in well enough," he responded, sitting up to take his coffee. He made a point to shrug off her advances for small talk, while he was at it too. His body language blocked her at every turn, but she didn't take it personal. He was fixated on something in his head that she couldn't quite see.
"I was hoping maybe we could talk. If you're up for it," she explained, bending at the knees to sit with him.
He looked at her, for the first time since she arrived giving her eye contact and her heart beat stuttered as he stared at her with his devastatingly dark eyes. His thick eyelashes covered the redness in them, but even if they hadn't she doubted she'd be able to look away. David was that breath taking.
"Just a few questions." She told him, watching him blink and close back up again. "There's some things that just aren't adding up and I need to verify them with you."
He shrugged before getting up and standing on his feet. "Do whatever you want," he muttered, going back into the house.
She took another deep breath before following him.
"Can I offer you something to drink? Water? Tea?"
She itched the center of her head before settling into their kitchen island. "Uh- a coffee if you have it."
He tilted his head with his back turned to her. "Only espresso. I don't make that American shit."
"That's fine," she told him. Her eyes taking the liberty to once again consume every corner of Olivia's home. It was luxurious and wealthy, but her charm made it warm and inviting. Normal even. Well- as normal as one could be living in a twelve million dollar unit. Everything seemed to have a place. The tasteful photographs of them together on the beach. Christmas cards and hand drawn paintings from the kids, pinned up on their calendar. The fresh flowers sitting on the table in the middle of the breakfast nook. And all of the wine glasses, minus the two broken ones, on display in their impressive cabinetry.
He placed the coffee down in front of her.
"Thank you," she said to him, not realizing her hand had touched his when she went to grab the cup. It had sent a rippling current through her, but he seemed entirely unphased by it as he leaned against the stove, and folded his arms.
It was then that she noticed his hand was bandaged.
"What happened?"
He gently hid the wound behind his arm, and nursed an espresso of his own. "I had an episode at our old condo. I'm fine."
Another hint towards his unpredictable and unknown about temper. She shuddered to even think that it existed. He seemed so calm in the moment with her now. And it was more than that- more than just energy. Working in SVU, dealing with perps you get a certain read on people when they walk in the room. You can always tell when you're sitting next to a predator, and someone who just might be off their track. There's a difference in behavior. Speech. Body language. How they walk into the room. David didn't give off any of that. Any of those elements she could recognize. He was completely neutral.
"You look like you haven't been sleeping," she told him.
"I haven't." He didn't seem to want to elaborate on that, so she pulled out her pen and paper to get started.
"Did she ever mention anything to you about leaving?"
"No, never. She loves me, just like I love her. The whole thing was very sudden."
"Did you notice a change in mood? Appearance? Did she seem unhappy at all?"
"She was….apprehensive."
Amanda frowned. "How do you mean?"
"I wouldn't go so far as saying nervous, but she was just more aware. More in tune. More loving. More interested in us."
"I know things were different after the attack-
"You don't know anything about after the attack-
"Then talk to me. Tell me about it. Start from the beginning. Help me understand, because we've got nothing. I've got a crime scene but no body. No sign of forced entry. Couple of suspects but no leads. And that means that I have to start looking deeper into the home. When a case hits this close to we start looking at the family. And you're all she had."
He didn't say anything. Just continued to stare. Ran his fingers along the blood now permanently stained on the marble counter top and clenched his fists until they were knuckle white. "What do you want me to tell you?"
"When would you say things started to get bad?"
He scoffed, before flat out laughing under his breath while dumping out his coffee. All the dressings of a mad man evident on his face. He took a Red Bull from the fridge and sat back down at their breakfast nook and Amanda took the opportunity to try again.
"I know you're in pain, but none of this is making any sense." She spoke boldly from a point of great perspective having read Olivia's diary. And she had to quickly remind herself, that she had to treat its existence as evidence to the case. "I want her to come home just as much as you do, but it's never been this long without anything. I'm worried David. I really really am. Every second counts."
He shrugged. "I wouldn't waste your energy."
She arched her brow. "Oh yeah? And why's that?" She sat down across from him.
He didn't say. Or tear his eyes away from the counter top. She followed his eyes. "Did something happen over there?"
"We were bickering back and forth about Brian Cassidy, but I said something she didn't like and she hit me." A beat. "And I reciprocated by initiating sex. It was the most violent we'd ever been with each other….It scared the hell out of me, so I know it scared her. And when it was over, she just looked at me like I was a different person. She couldn't say that I'd gone too far because she'd done the same to me, but I could tell she didn't know what to make of it. She's always had conflict inside her, but to have it coming from me was difficult for both of us. We have been having issues for so long, and I just had so much to get out of me…The next morning I told her I wanted to see a therapist, and God, the look on her face…"
"She was relieved?"
"Yeah, but you know. She was understanding and loving. She kissed me and we did it again. But it wasn't the same. For either of us…"
Tell me about that night and the last time you saw her."
He shrugged again. Blinked, as if he were embarrassed to even think about those private moments which no one knew anything about. And in the back of her head she heard Fin say, "That's all a marriage is. Moment's no one but the two people involved know about."
"She was very upset," he said quietly. "I really got underneath her skin. Said things that you wouldn't believe…She was hurt by them, and by me. And I was so blinded by inconsolable rage that I didn't even try to help her. When she left the room, I didn't follow. We had a rough night, and we both just needed some space. Neither of us slept. I couldn't until almost four in the morning- that was the last I'd seen her. She'd locked herself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out."
"That's aggressive." Amanda said out loud. He made it sound like Olivia was terrified.
"Like I said, we needed space."
"You guys seemed to have needed a lot of that after what happened."
"She was devastated. We both were. We were madly in love with each other, we both were excited to start our family. What happened killed her and it killed me. She was never the same, and I wasn't because she wasn't. I tried so hard for so many months just to get her to talk to me, but she never did. That gutted me."
Amanda licked her lips and averted her eyes. "I know you're probably going to think I'm insane but…I'd feel crazy if I didn't ask."
He looked at her a moment and adverted his head back to the sunlight and the scenery outside. Birds flying by the window
"No Amanda. This isn't because of you. It's not your fault. Olivia is gone because of me. I hurt her. No one else but me."
"Are you sure?"
"I told her about us a few days after she got home. She didn't care. If she were going to leave me, she would've done it already. Trust me."
Amanda's head dropped. The news nearly as shocking to her as Olivia's disappearance. "She's known about it all this time?"
"I never kept secrets from her. I've always been honest with her. Always. As soon as I felt the time was right I explained everything that happened, but before I could even finish, she had already made peace with the whole thing. That was a rough time for us Amanda. Her heart was broken in a way that I don't think she'd ever experienced, or me for that matter. All she knew was hurt and grief and loss. I don't think anything could've dragged her out of that heart ache."
Amanda swallowed at the eeriness of what she just learned. Her Lieutenant. Her commander. For months has been fully aware that at one point and time she had been intimate with her husband, and never not once did she ever treat her any different or hold that over her head. She never mentioned it. Or threw it in her face. Never grew adverse to her presence or made snarky comments on the job. She remained the empathetic soul she'd always been and pretended like it didn't even happen. That at one point in time David had never pulled her protégé aside and kissed the life out of her while she had been on the other side of the door, in a coma fighting for her life. The notion seemed so ridiculous Amanda very mildly under her breath had to ask again, "Are you sure?"
"It was a kiss. It meant nothing to me and she knew that." He reiterated. "At the time I needed-someone. You were just there so…"
Oh. Amanda heard herself think. She pulled out the chair opposite of him, hoping he wouldn't detect her disappointment.
"You were inconsolable."
"I thought I was going lose her. I already went through losing our baby. I wouldn't have survived losing her too."
She swallowed the knot in her throat. "You know we've been talking a lot about what happened back then at the precinct. Everyone talks about what she went through and the hell it must've been, but I don't hear too much about what it was like for you."
"Well you were there. I spent more time with you than anyone."
"Yeah, but what about after? She must've found comfort somewhere? She came back from that somehow."
David laughed the hardest he had that morning. His deep chuckling coming from some place sore and wounded in his chest. "Olivia didn't come back from anything. Lord knows I tried, but she was...she was gone. We both were swimming in a flood, but I was the one trying to pull us to shore, and she just kept putting more and more weight on me. When she woke, I knew the news would devastate her, but she completely plunged. I watched the light burn out in her eyes and it was the eeriest thing I'd ever seen. Nothing could console her. I thought maybe she was afraid that it was our last shot at being parents. So I told her we could try again. Back then I wanted to. It seemed like the right thing to do. I didn't want to replace my son, but my wife needed something to hold on to. Something she could carry in her arms. But she wasn't interested in getting pregnant again. And I understood that, but then she started hurting herself. Drinking more. Sleeping less. She wouldn't let me get close to her, and that hurt me. If your relationship is strong, you expect the other person to be present with you. You expect them to be someone you can lean on. And she wasn't there. She didn't do any of those things for me and she wouldn't let me do any of those things for her. I'd never felt so alone. And then I don't know, I just woke up one day and everything was different for us. Just seemed like we kept inventing new ways to hurt each other, but they say that's how committing to someone works."
Amanda couldn't help but feel premature hope hearing that. Maybe she'd just gotten afraid and ran away. Or maybe, she thought darkly, she was still on the fence about the idea, and David hurt her because she didn't want to keep it.
Amanda frowned. "She didn't want more kids?"
He could hear the surprise in her voice and he eyed her. "She had a period where she was on the fence. I guess rightly so. Every woman is different. Immediately after, she couldn't fathom the idea, so I didn't force it. I was very 'whatever happens, happens' about it. And then a year went by and I gave up on the idea."
"It was you then? You didn't want another baby?"
His attention had since found the bouquet of blushing pink peonies between them. Each one of their vibrant delicate petals sticking out from the vase. He caressed the bulbs gently with his thumb almost as if he were remembering her skin. The exact curvature of her face.
He stared at her from behind the peony leaves. "How did you guys find out?"
"We found the empty test box in the upstairs bathroom. We suspected, but Melinda confirmed with us this morning." Among other things. She uncrossed her legs and closed the distance between them. "You didn't answer my question," she interrogated.
Do you want another baby? "Of course I do." he said coarsely. "I just want her to be happy. I've always wanted that." He wiped his eyes and shrugged.
"Why do I sense a 'but' coming from you?" Amanda questioned. Her eyebrow reaching the top of her forehead.
"Because it's complicated."
"What's complicated about it?" She asked, hearing herself starting to get emotional and losing the will to hold it together.
He was silent a long time. Gave nothing but a bone chilling stare as if he were falling backwards going someplace deep, and unknown. His eyes which were usually a dark and shining black now threatened to turn a ghastly grey. His skin grew pale and clammy. And right when she opened her mouth to press her again, the shrilling sound of the telephone interrupted them.
He got up abruptly, mumbling a swift "I'll get it."
She watched him disappear upstairs. The ringing screeching in the distance, until at last the house fell silent. Sitting in the kitchen alone, Amanda felt her stomach curl and sweat break out on her upper lip.
He wasn't making any sense. Nothing made any sense. She listened out carefully, and could faintly here David's voice talking upstairs. She still had her gloves on, it wasn't too late to look around. She gathered her things and pulled out her flashlight before quietly moving around the kitchen. She opened the drawers, and cabinets looking for clues. Details of mysterious appointments, numbers, business cards. Anything that would give some evidence to where she might have gone.
Their calendar had been useless, most of it crowded with sports games from the kids, and travel dates for David. Quietly she walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Her footsteps becoming softer, the louder David's voice became. Her office was on the same floor so it wouldn't have been obvious if she took another look. She gently pressed on to the handle, but it stopped short on her. She leaned in a little harder and used more force but it quickly became obvious that it was locked.
She jingled around in her pocket looking for her tools and got down on her knees to try and pick it. She glanced quickly behind her to make sure the coast was clear and stuck the two thin metal plates into the keyhole, and gently started to to twist the mechanisms.
She was in deep focus, nearly there, but a creak in the floor board sent her heart free from her chest and she stumbled on her knee clumsily. She caught her breath before quickly looking around. The hallway was still clear. She looked above her and heard the creak again.
A deep sigh of relief cascaded over her. She gathered herself back up and got the door open half expecting an alarm to go off. Not that she would've been able to hear it. Her heart was beating at a deafening rate in her ear drums. She moved quickly. Going through her desk. The papers. Most of it financial statements and receipts. Some of it the remnants of old cases they worked together. Her fingers touched something hard, and she felt Olivia's laptop beneath the surface. David didn't know how to open it, and no one in the office had any luck.
Amanda picked it up and tucked it inside her coat to explore later. Holding out hope that something would come to her eventually. She could hear footsteps so she quickly left the office and slipped back into the hallway, closing the door behind her.
It was shear dumb luck, that David still hadn't returned. She prepared to go back to the kitchen but wondered if there was anything else she could inspect. Her face turned up quizzically as she considered her options, and then she remembered, she never investigated the basement that first night. She'd sent Carisi down there. Her face dropped and she took the stairs two by two, descending until she hit the ground floor where they housed their state of the art gym.
Of course it had been no surprise to find a host of other things down their too. A wine cellar. Construction for what looked like a small swimming pool and their tool shed. Amanda stepped forward activating the sensor proximity lights, and the room lit up around her.
She was surrounded by the normal run of the mill stuff. Various screws and nails neatly organized in bins on the wall. Electric machinery. Blades, wrenches and screwdrivers of every kind. Saws. Ropes. Axes. Hammers-
She inhaled sharply feeling her heart pinch as she stared at the blank space in front of her. Two silver prongs stuck out from the wall where the sledge hammer should've been. Indicating that there was in fact a tool that was missing.
She jumped out of her skin hearing the flashlight that had once been in her hand fall violently to the floor igniting her heart palpitations once more. She knelt down and picked it up, with shaking hands, almost too afraid to inspect any further.
But it was Liv.
Her Commander.
Her Lieutenant.
Had she been in danger? Was her baby not wanted? So many things? So many horrible questions swirled around in her head. She had to get to the bottom of whatever this was. She owed it to her.
She took a moment to get the blood pumping again and turned the flashlight back on before moving forward. She held the light up against the wall.
One sledgehammer. Unaccounted for. Carefully. Slowly, she examined each tool under the light. All seemed to be normal except-
She leaned forward inspecting the drill. On the edge of it, was a blackened stain no bigger than a glue drip that looked like dried blood.
She prepared to take a photo with her phone but she remembered she left it upstairs. She turned around to get it but unbeknownst to her, David was standing stark behind her.
She shivered violently, feeling her heart thrust in her throat as he towered above her.
"You shouldn't be down here," he told her. "It's not safe."
Amanda opened her mouth to say something but she was both paralyzed and mute. She couldn't breathe let alone think. She was too aware of his height. His strength. His build alone. That coupled with the fact that he knew a lot more than he let on, stunned her.
Gun.
You have a gun. She heard herself think.
She started to reach for the metal weapon stationed at her hip, but Olivia's laptop began to slip from its hidden place with the intrusive movement. She caught it just in time, clutching at her stomach.
"Are you alright?" He tried again.
"I-" She started. Defeated that her voice had been little more than a whisper. "I'm fine. I have to get back, Fin's waiting for me outside."
She attempted to walk out. Run. Leave. But he crowded the only exit. She flinched as he got closer, testing the ground where she stood.
"He can wait a few more minutes."
The lights went out, and the last thing that could be heard was frightened gasp from Amanda's throat.
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