there's no turning back time
flowing oh so silently
even when i let go
of the people i love

longing, emptiness and loneliness
they're all growing
but i don't know what exactly
i'm grieving over

help me to find my way

.

(be calm - hwasa)

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.

.

[LIFELINES]

chapter twenty-eight: domino effect

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.

On the way to the meeting room, Makoto-sensei tugs me to the side of the chalky hallway. I don't particularly blame him for it. He must have noticed the way I've been dragging my feet, how I've been purposely lagging behind, how I've not-so-secretly been dreading to greet my visitors. It's almost like he can see through my flesh and to my heart that is currently thumping spastically against my chest. The gradual sweat is building, teasing out of my pores and my breathing is pulsating, short from panicked.

He starts, "If you don't want to-"

"No, I won't say I'm exactly excited to see them...but they're here so I might as well," I admit with a sigh.

I try to play it cool; because that's what I'm good at.

Besides, it's not like I can crawl out of here. They've ambushed me and I do feel a twinge of betrayal from Makoto-sensei's end. How long had he been scheming to get me to face Taichi...and Sora? Fuck. She's a different story. How does he expect me to deal with both of them at the same time?

I can already picture them having gos at me while my hands are tied behind my back. I know I'm not in jail, however I can't clamp my ears from hearing the words that they'll spring at me. I don't anticipate their words to be pleasant. I'm prepared for the worst — even though they're technically the ones who have spontaneously chosen to attack me by actually turning up to a place like this.

When we get to the designated room, Makoto-sensei makes me hover at the entrance. "Wait here," he tells me.

I don't reply because there's no point to it. It's not like I don't have a choice. I look down to my hands, fiddling with my fingers. They're not as calloused as they used to be. I wonder if I can even remember how to play the guitar now. How long has it been? Yutaka goes on that it's all muscle memory, and that I'll be fine. I think differently. I'm not a natural talent like how he is with his piano and keyboard, I had worked hard. And now that I haven't been practicing, it is worrying. Will I even love music as much as I used to? Once I get out of here, what will I love? How will I get back into my pattern? What if I don't want to…

"Taichi-san is the only one in there."

I glance up, eyes silently questioning Makoto-sensei.

"He requested that he talk to you first."

"Oh," I say. I grit my teeth. This is going to be just great.

If Sora's not in the room, he's going to rage at me without a filter. He doesn't even want to be here. I know he doesn't, not after everything that has happened. Why would he want to be here?

Makoto-sensei ushers me in. Before I think second thoughts, the door closes behind me and my voice gets lost in my throat when I spot Taichi gazing unblinkingly at me. I stare down at my feet. This isn't going to be awkward — not awkward at all…

I glimpse the security guard, Maya-san, from behind the door that Taichi would have come through. At least there's one guard here to protect me in case I get slaughtered. In my dreams, I still can remember how livid Taichi's face was, how disappointed and furious he was when he looked at me like I was filth — because I am filth.

"Aren't you going to sit down?"

Those are the first words that he delivers. I'm expecting a derogatory comment, something disparaging. Instead, he's opted for a subtle 'sit the fuck down'. Oh, perhaps it's because I've been pacing. Yes. I've been pacing back and forth since I had been locked in this room.

As much as I want to keep pacing, I listen to him and sit myself across from him. The table breaks our distance. I'm squirming on my seat, sweltering, unable to look at his eyes. It's like I'm in purgatory. Hell is probably better than this. Even talking to the clinic's psychiatrist and Makoto-sensei is more comfortable than confronting my best friend. Or ex-friend, I should say.

He exhales. I flinch, still not daring to lift my gaze. He attempts another sentence, "Aren't you going to say anything?"

"What's there for me to say?" I mumble. "You're the one here. Frankly, I wouldn't be here if I were you."

"Typical Yamato, how typical of you," Taichi growls. "I might have needed a bit more prompting on Sora's half, but I'm here so deal with it."

"I didn't ask you to be here," I reply. "You shouldn't be here if you're doing Sora a favour. I know you don't want to. I mean, why would you? Taichi, why force yourself to be here when you fucking hate-"

"Are we really going to do this?" he cuts in, slamming a fist onto the table's surface, making it tremble. The extended vibrations from the table causes my chair quake too. "I'm tired of you fucking getting defensive like this! Because this is what you always do when you don't want to talk about shit — and look at it all, look at what's happened now! I'm infuriated-"

"No shit you are," I interject.

"-I'm infuriated that I didn't see this happening! Yes, you do shit like this all time. You're known to always fuck up because that's what makes you, Yamato."

"Gee, thanks." I roll my eyes.

"For fuck's sake. You're not making this easier. Shut up."

"Gladly."

We keep quiet. It goes on like this for a minute or so. It's an abnormal amount of time to be silent — especially for somebody of Taichi's calibre. Although I haven't looked at him since I had walked into the room, I finally bring myself to. It's a mistake because he's leering straight back at me. His vein is popping out of his forehead, something that happens whenever he gets agitated.

However, it's when our eyes connect, everything seems to be forgotten. We lose it. From the split second of hesitation, we're suddenly both laughing at each other and how stupid it all is. I don't know who started laughing, and I don't care. But damn. It feels good to laugh again. Sure, I've had my rare bouts of amusement while I've been admitted here, but it's not the same as when you're cracking jokes with an old friend — and this old friend, I've known for most of my life.

Whenever Taichi's laughing ceases, I end up guffawing. It's a domino-effect. The circle continues until we're both breathless and Taichi's wiping tears from his eyes. Whenever we egg each other on with laughter, Taichi always laughs until he cries, and I laugh until my ribs hurt.

I just wish we could go back in time and laugh at stupid things, like how we just did. How Taichi would purposely wander into science class two minutes late to get under Mr Hakuta's skin because he knew how funny I found it whenever his face would turn red. How I'd always fall face-first onto the grass whenever I'd attempt to kick a darn soccer ball (and, let's just say, I've never recovered from Tai's endless teasing, leaving me permanently scarred from the sport). How, during our junior years, his first potential love interest was when he had this ridiculous crush on Aikawa and would consistently ask her out, only to be rejected every single time. Or whenever Taichi and I would take turns at locking our younger siblings in the toilets because we were evil brothers like that.

Taichi and I mightn't have the same interests, nor do we always agree about the same things...but only he can make me break down in laughter like this. Maybe that's why he's my best friend. Maybe that's why I've left him in the dark. Maybe that's why it's been the hardest to tell him, to let him know what I was going through…

He catches onto my sudden sombre mood swing. He doesn't usually. Maybe because he's more attune to my situation now and how much of a fuck up I really am. The different look on his face as he observes me, makes me feel tense. I don't like being perceived differently by anybody...especially him.

Taichi's jaw is firm, expression stern. He's not letting this go anymore. Whenever he screws his face up like this, there's no messing with him. I've seen the same look on his face when he darts after his opponents on the soccer field, or that time when he punched the shit out of Hikari's first boyfriend who cheated on her. It's his game face; and his game face only knows how to win and how to not accept a 'no' for an answer.

Ah fuck...

"Sora told me about everything."

And we're back at it. The thought of leaving the room is beginning to look appealing again — especially when he's peering at me with intense scrutiny.

Everything…

I frown. Blinding flashes. Sora is in my bed. Tears soaking the pillows. Her screams. My cursing. Reality. Nightmares. They're all one. My fingers lace through my hair, gripping at the ends and wanting to rip it all off. I can't. I just want it to stop. Breathing is suffocating. I'm sorry. So sorry. Sinking. Slumping down. No, hands. I see hands. Arms reaching across to me, reaching over the table, holding me down, stabilising.

Yamato? Yamato! Hey!

Taichi's here. His eyes are scared. Why is he scared? My gaze shifts down and I notice it's his hands that are pressing hard against my shoulders. Grounding me. Trying to get me to wake up. Am I awake? Or is he an illusion? He wouldn't really be here, would he? No. He's speaking to me, eyebrows furrowed. Yelling. Yes. He's still here. It was he who was yelling at me.

"Sorry," I apologise regretfully. Taichi's dazed as he shuffles back on his chair, arms retracting back from his grasp onto me.

I give him a meek smile. "I kinda drift in and out every now and again."

Taichi looks shaken up, the amusement in his eyes are gone. He darkly says, "It's not something to smile about."

"It's fine. They used to be more frequent," I explain.

The panic attacks.

I'm not sure if I say it out loud, but I know he's got the picture from how upset he is. Seeing my ever-so-confident best friend losing his cool isn't something I'll ever get accustomed to. Then again, maybe that's how he sees me. It's hard to disguise when I lose myself nowadays.

"Really?" he asks, shoulders sloped. "You'd get these often?"

"Yeah," I admit, scratching the back of my head, feeling rather foolish of the whole ordeal. I steady my breathing, putting the breathing exercises I've learned from my doc into practice.

"I must have been a real shit friend for not noticing," Taichi says offhandedly. It's not every day you hear somebody like Taichi saying he's a 'shit friend', if anything he'd usually act all immature and brag the opposite. He doesn't leave it at that. "I don't know why it took me this long to believe that you were struggling this much...maybe you should have committed to being an actor instead of being a musician? Because I'd be damned, Yamato, you would have won an Oscar for it."

"I'm sorry. I...Taichi, I just made a lot of bad decisions and I-"

"No. You were depressed," Taichi says. "You are depressed. And I failed to notice that it all stemmed from there, from back when we were kids. I didn't know...but it all connects. It just fucking sucks that I've only realised it now, that you were already depressed before the divorce, before Kaori...before everything — and I failed to see that. Dude, I thought you were just going through an emo phase because we all have a bit of teen angst. I never realised it continued for you, I didn't want to believe it. All this time, I had the impression you were over-sensitive to things."

"I'm apparently an emotional sponge."

"Yeah, because you bottle everything in," Taichi remarks. "I get it now. You distanced yourself during high school too. That's why I always fought with you because all of a sudden you didn't want to be friends-"

"No," I shake my head. "It wasn't like that. It was more because you made new friends. You hung out with people I couldn't relate to. You had your soccer team, Tai."

"I guess...and you had your new group of mates. People I didn't particularly like because they were bad influences."

"Weren't we all bad influences? We were all young and stupid. Besides, I know a handful of your soccer team players that were under the influence of something," I tell him. Exhaling, I mutter, "It comes down to the person who makes the decisions. You got caught for thieving-"

"Kaori wasn't that much of a great person either."

"You never gave Kaori a chance," I say bitterly. We both know it's true. Taichi never tried to warm up to her. He said that when I started hanging out with her I stopped 'being fun'. Whatever that meant…

"And you had friends who were drug addicts," Taichi snaps. He winces, probably seeing the expression on my face that I must have pulled.

Whenever my other friends were in the picture, he's always been quick to talk down on them. Perhaps it was the same for me. Because I didn't get along with his soccer friends, I had been dismissive of them too. Ironic that over a decade or so later, it all makes sense. It had been an invisible rift that the both of us had brewed. We had both gotten over it when we had gotten older, but we had never acknowledged it. I don't know why we're talking about this now; but I guess we are.

"You can condemn all those people as much as you want, but before I landed myself in this oasis of a clinic, you could categorise me under that group too," I respond in a grave tone. "Some people take drugs to look like a badass in front of everybody, to experiment, others try it to forget. Then you've got people like me...people who just don't know how to cope with it all anymore. People who would rather be in a false reality because their reality is a nightmare that they don't want to live in."

Taichi keeps quiet, so I keep going, "The thing is, people turn to drugs when they don't have anymore options left. But please understand that people don't ruin their lives intentionally."

For once, he bites his tongue. Taichi and I have always thought in different patterns, but that's how we work. I'm used to him protesting against me. He lets this slide, and I know that I've somehow sent the message across to him. He gets it. He might not agree with what I'm saying for its entirety, but he knows where I'm coming from.

However, Taichi does attack me with something else…

"So, uh...um, about Sora?"

Ah shit. Somehow I'd rather have us bad mouthing each others' friends than changing the topic about her. Anybody but her. Even talking about Kaori seems more appealing than the awkwardness that brings around uttering Sora's name. The darn elephant in the room happens to be a person who I least wanna talk about.

I close my eyes tightly then I open them again. "Are we really going to speak about this again? The last time we talked about this, you gutted me. The guard can see you if you plan to commit murder-"

"She said that you didn't completely force yourself on her," Taichi says.

"Oh," I reply, not knowing what else to say. I don't have it in me to tell Taichi that I agree with Sora's said. If I do, I know things will get easier between Taichi and I. But I don't. I only know snippets of what happened that night, and knowing that Sora is defending me for my pathetic actions makes me feel even more guilty.

"Sora said that you didn't mean to do it…"

"But I think I did." There's no point lying. I've already hit rock-bottom. "It's my fault."

"She said that she accepted your approaches, and if she had been against it, she would have fought back." Taichi sighs. "I don't know what the hell happened between the two of you because I wasn't there...but it would be nice if you guys just sort it out. I want to get mad at you, but how can I when Sora's making me promise to give you a second chance? Additionally, you're not in the right state of mind. I don't know what to do with you guys…"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know what to believe because the both of you keep defending each other." Taichi grumbles, "I don't know what you see in her. She's so annoying and stubborn."

"And one of a kind," I murmur. "To be honest, I don't know why she is even defending me. I dream about it over and over again, and I get even more disappointed in myself. I can't let it go. Like Kaori-"

"Kaori's gone; Sora's here," Taichi states.

His tone is cold. I get it that he never warmed up to my ex, but he never tried to understand her. His somewhat heartless comment triggers me.

"She's gone, but I loved her Taichi. She once was everything to me. I know she can't do anything, nor is she alive to prove what actually an amazing person she truly is...but she's still part of my life no matter how much you disapprove of her." I frown. "Like how I dream about what I did to Sora, I keep dreaming about Kaori falling and her blood all stained on my hands...you-you weren't there. You don't know how it was, you never knew-"

Taichi freezes. "I thought she committed suicide."

"She did. I watched her jump off the balcony that day," I cried out. "I...I was there, Taichi."

Seiji-san. Please. Don't tell anybody. I don't want everybody to know. Please. Make sure it doesn't go in the papers. Seiji...

"Yamato…"

"I'd like to say it's fine, but it isn't. I still relive the moment over and over again. And now, after what I've done to Sora...I keep seeing her crying in my memories. It repeats over and over again. My mind shifts between two memories, and they're the memories of me hurting the people I care about the most."

"I mightn't have known Kaori, but Sora's here now," Taichi responds. I don't know if he's saying this figuratively or literally. I know she's outside the door, waiting to speak to me after Taichi. "And you care about Kaori, I get that...but Sora - you like her still."

"I wouldn't say that-"

"Something tells me if I visited you here by myself, you would have not wanted to see me." When Taichi speaks this, he laughs out loud when he observes me. "And you know what, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have turned up."

"But you're here," I say. "Do you regret it?"

"No," Taichi answers. "It's a pity that we needed to be in a secured room for us to finally talk what's been on our minds. All those times I've misunderstood you, I get it now and I'm really sorry that I was too dumb to notice…"

I smile.

As much as I hadn't wanted to be near Taichi, Makoto-sensei's perhaps right. I had needed some closure, some time to actually talk to him. I wouldn't say all the weight off my shoulders had disappeared, but it feels nice to know that Taichi finally knows some of the shit that goes in my head. He might not get it all completely it all, but it's enough that he's tried to. If this was the Taichi back in high school, he wouldn't have been patient enough for it. I know so. That's why I probably didn't divulge to him, and possibly because I - myself — didn't know how depressed I had actually been.

I stand as he's about to exit the room. He catches me off guard when he gives me a brief hug, patting me on my back. "You'll get through this, Yamato."

I hope I can...

The door closes.

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Sora's here again. I've lost count how many times she's dropped by. It's not a bad thing. I shouldn't be complaining. I'm thankful for the minor change in scenery.

Every time she enters the meeting room, I can't help but feel like a foolish teen. Don't blame me. When most of your inmates are male, asides from the token security guard (Maya), of course you're bound to notice when a woman is near.

I was in a cold sweat when she saw me after Taichi. I had already exerted my energy from encountering my best friend, so I hadn't felt all that great when Sora had visited me for the first time. Maybe it was because I was sober. Maybe because I couldn't use anything as an excuse to pretend she wasn't there.

Like Taichi, why she was there to visit me...I don't know. After all the hell I had put her through, she had wanted to see me. It was beyond me.

Anyway, asides from that cold sweat and being sober, it became more apparent how mesmerising she was. It could be because she stood out in contrast to this bleak wall, pale vicinity, and was a female in the sea of men. She was feminine, a splash of colour in the drought I was in. Her ambling into the meeting room had me speechless. I know it doesn't sound surprising, as she's had me a victim to this numerous times...but it's true. She has always had that quiet influence over me.

Her auburn hair had been cropped shorter. Her skin was glowing. Her perfume is fresh, and addicting. Her walk and movements had a certainty about it, posture straight, eyes determined. She seemed happier.

She hadn't had to say a single thing to own the room. Perhaps she had always, inadvertently, owned my undivided attention. And I know that it hadn't just been only me. Even outside of this clinic, I had noted that I wasn't the only guy staring at her, during those rare occasions when we had gone out in the past.

...like I am now.

I'm thinking more of it because I have nothing else to distract me. It's apparent every time she's here, and I'd be lying to say that I didn't look forward to her occasional visits.

Today her hair is half-up, half-down. The new hairstyle is nice on her. She's an inch taller from her pointy pumps. There's a drizzle of blush on her cheeks. She seems to have put a bit more make-up on than usual. Then again, from how she's dressed it's only fitting. She takes off her blazer and props it around the chair. She's dressed in this grey pencil skirt, a figure-fitting white blouse — and of course she looks more than exceptional in the attire. Who knew business wear looked this good?

"You're well dressed," I comment as she lands onto the chair opposite from mine.

She lets out a sigh, folding one leg over the other. "Isn't it annoying that you have to dress-up to make a good impression of yourself? I mean, people tend to already judge as soon as you walk into a room. It's frustrating."

"I'm sure wherever you go, you make a good impression," I drawl, teasing her.

Sora rolls her eyes, pulling out a bottle of water. She downs half of it and sighs again.

"Too busy to even keep hydrated?" I lean back, "If you're busy, you didn't need to make an appearance-"

"I told you last Friday that I'd see you today." She scolds me, "I keep to my word so don't tell me to go now that I'm here. Do you know what peak hour traffic is like?"

"The best?" I suggest.

She huffs at me, "You didn't need to reply. It was rhetorical."

This is how we've been speaking to each other ever since her first visit to the rehab. Like I said earlier, Taichi seeing me earlier had drained me...so when Sora had gone to see me next, my brain was already a puddle. And maybe it's because Taichi warned her that I had a semi-breakdown, she was the first to avoid talking about everything that had happened, about us, about what I had done, about why the way I was, about why I was here…

I welcomed it though. I think it's because I wasn't ready to face everything. I had enough going on and I wanted to take one step at a time before I could delve into harder topics. Upon stuttering and stumbling on my words, the first thing I said to her was that she looked tanned. I wasn't lying about it either because the golden glow to her skin was as clear as day. She had told me she had picked up tennis again and was back to her regular morning jogging routine. And, from then on, I used her to be a distraction.

Almost every conversation, I tried to make her the main subject. She's been a good getaway, a good escape to give me a break from all the dreary stuff I've had to deal with. When you're going through multiple therapy sessions, medication adjustments, and continuous talks with people you don't really want to talk to...it's much better to latch onto somebody else who has an active life.

Sora has that now.

She's made use of her time. She's done, and achieved incredible things. A lot of the time, people at our age are too scared to take on new pathways because they are already comfortable with the life they've made for themselves. Like me, for instance, Engineering is something I would have done if I hadn't become a musician...but the thought of leaving the music field and dipping my toes into a new career freaks me out. How she's done it, I have no fucking idea.

And it's not only one thing that is keeping her preoccupied. Whilst studying interior decorating, she's working at this cafe slash jewellery store that's attached to Hikari's new childcare. Although I'm in lockdown and everything is frozen for me, it isn't quite the case for everything that is going on outside these walls.

"...so after thoroughly searching through the whole living room, little Keita-kun crawls up to me and passes me my glasses. It was like he knew that I was searching for them!" Sora exclaims, gushing.

Oh, that's right. She's picked up the duty of taking care of my niece and nephews on Thursdays. The day that had once been designated to me. I'm pretty upset that I've been missing out on their development. I miss looking after the rascals.

"Or he could have stolen them from you?" I point out.

"No," Sora immediately shuts me down, holding a hand to her chest to exaggerate how offended she is by my suggestion. "He wouldn't do that to me."

"I wouldn't take it lightly — especially if he is my brother's spawn. Both him and Hikari are evil."

"Shut up, you," Sora pouts.

I chuckle. It's definitely the highlight of my day whenever she visits. Tilting my head, I mutter, "Glasses though? I didn't know you wore them. Do you usually wear contacts?"

"They're reading glasses," she clarifies. "Once in a blue moon you'll see me wearing them. I avoid them at all costs because they're a nuisance to put on. I always get finger marks on them because I subconsciously keep touching the lens."

"I'm sure you look good in them," I drawl.

It's when she sends me a look that I realise I've said it out loud. Oops. Her face is flushed and although I've made if awkward as fuck (excellent job, Yamato), I'm smirking. To make her feel less awkward, I divert our conversation. "I'm playing the guitar again."

"You are?" She knows how much I've been avoiding the instrument. Therefore, from telling her this, she knows that this is a big deal. Her eyes are smiling. "You've made progress then, Yamato!"

She's genuinely happy for me. It feels good.

"Yeah," I say. "I've been having good days lately...Makoto-sensei even thinks I'm ready to have a proper talk with both my mother and Takeru."

"That's great news."

"Maybe." It's anxiety-inducing if anything. Whenever it's my mother and brother, I'm always walking out or finding ways to get out of it. Now that we'll be in a controlled environment, I have nowhere to escape to. However, Makoto-sensei does have a point. I can't run away forever. And, with Makoto-sensei there, I possibly won't feel as tempted to lose my temper.

"I'm happy for you," Sora smiles.

Yes, she's pretty. I find myself simpering back. I'm still grinning like a fool when she leaves.

I suddenly feel my hair being messed up, and hearing familiar giggling. I scowl, looking up to see it's Maya-san. "Obviously you're crushing, but it's time to get on with it Yamato. People are waiting to use the room too."

"Sorry," I apologise.

She pushes me out the door, laughing at my face as she shuts it in front of my face. The darn troll.

.


Her long black ink-stained her brushes against my face as I press against her, cuddling her from behind. I unwind, exhaling as she leans into my embrace. She hums quietly, "If you fall for somebody else, I'll understand…"

"Who says I will?" I caress her cheek, slanting her face towards me. Her eyes are teary. "Hey, you all right?"

Kaori stares away from me. Since I'm still holding her chin, I angle her face closer to my direction to read her facial expression.

"No." She groans, "Yamato, please!"

She forcefully shakes me off. I let go of my grasp, frowning. I'm upset by it. I don't like it when she keeps things from me, and I don't like hurting her either. However, it's when I see an angry bruise on her neck, my mood dissolves into a heated rage.

It's not right. I didn't give her that. I had seen her yesterday, and it hadn't been there. Additionally, it's not a bruise that would have been formed from a fall. It's right under her chin. Somebody would have done it — and it's definitely not me. I would have remembered it. There's a flash of hurt that reflects in her eyes. Is she cheating on me…? I'm nauseated at the thought. No. That couldn't be true…

She begins to shiver. Her breathing is shallow, like she's about to clamp up.

"Kaori?"

"No."

My girlfriend doesn't want to talk about it. Of course, it triggers me to want to know more. And it's then that I hold my breath. My eyes narrow when I see more bruises on her back, and her lips are noticeably more swollen compared to normal.

"Who…" I let out.

She shakes her head at me in refusal.

My jaw tightens, my whole body becomes rigid. I snarl, "Who? I'll kill him. Who is the bastard? Does he go to our school?"

"You can't," she cries out. "He's my mother's partner."

"Who cares who the fuck he is!" I growl. "We need to do something about this-"

"He's a lawyer. We can't," she whispers. "They wouldn't believe us teenagers, over somebody like him...and what if he hurts my mother-"

"This is about you." I roll off the bed, throwing on my jacket. I need to find the bastard. I need to hurt him. How dare he do this to Kaori? Lawyer or not, he deserves to go down. How could the asshole do this to her and take advantage of his position?

"Just forget it." I'm stuck when Kaori reaches a hand out, tugging at my sleeve. "Stay…"

Her pleading eyes keep me stationary. She has the power to buffer my anger, even if it's the rage that I'm feeling on her behalf. She kneels on the mattress, kissing me on the cheek. This is always Kaori. She doesn't want to make commotion over anything that she experiences. Like when somebody plagiarised her artwork, when some assholes wrote 'whore' on her locker, whenever people badmouth her...she never asked for it. Whenever people are unique and different from the standard, you get treated differently. That's how it's always been — and it's shit. My life changed when the whole school found out my parents separated. It's still taboo, and isn't a common thing in our society. I took the brunt of it, and I get it...but this is different.

….yet she still doesn't want me to do anything.

I cave. I shouldn't, but I do anyway. I care about her too much, and it's her choice what she wants to do. Maybe when she gathers the courage one day, we'll both face it together — and we'll bring that asshole down. Just not now. She's too fragile.

So we do things, we make-out, we sleep together, we drink, we get high. I could say that it's because she's trying to escape...but it's me too. We influence each other; we are the worst. But who cares? We've lost control and it feels darn good. Reality is painful; it's hard. We don't trust in anybody, except ourselves. If I only have her, and she has me — that's enough. We've fulfilled each other's needs and the escape is an addictive kind of toxicity.

Everything blurs and we soon find ourselves in one of the many parties we crash every weekend. Although they're our seniors' friends, the crew is used to us inviting ourselves. They're used to our company now, and they never say no to us because we provide them with funds once they provide us with what we want. Yamaguchi's the king at it. He has the knack at assessing people, and getting whatever drug that caters to their personality. He knows to never give us hard stuff, to not experiment with anything stronger than weed. Because one time he tricked us, and I gave him hell for it.

Once you're in deep, it's hard getting out of it and its bad habits. You're on it, and you know it's not good for you...but you keep going. Anything to numb the shit that you're feeling, to reduce the pain, the poisonous thoughts that plague your mind.

"Is that Takashi?" Kaori asks me. Her eyes are squinted. I follow her lead, turning my head to where she's gazing at. She's right. The guitarist is chatting to Yamaguchi. We're not that close to them, but I can hear that they're not having a pleasant conversation.

Takashi looks mad. "Yamaguchi, I'll get ya the money man. Don't involve Natsuki-"

"Who's that?" I yawn. My head's light and cloudy. Kaori rests her head on my shoulder, mumbling, "I think that's his sister."

"Is it…"

My eyelids are heavy. I drift off, only to wake up back in Kaori's bed. We're naked. The sheets are half covering her. I smile, tucking her in properly. A bag of potato chips litter the floor. Empty cans of beer and there's half a bottle of sake left on the coffee table. The television screen is the only thing lighting up her dim room. A continuous flickering blue glow.

The volume isn't on. Captions replace the sound. Text rolling on the bottom of the monitor.

.

CONFIRMED DEAD

.

"Mr and Mrs Nakamura's bodies have been found three months after the avalanche in Sapporo. Now the death toll has risen to eighteen in total."

.

It's a common surname. I would have ignored the news report if the faces of the two deceased people hadn't appeared on the screen. I climb out of the bed, sitting right in front of the monitor to test if I'm not hallucinating. The surname. The faces. The woman has Takashi's smile. The man has Takashi's hair.

No, it can't be…

I roll over, gasping. Perspiration seeping down my face. My bed sheets are damp. Wasn't I just a minute ago on the floor, looking at the television? I gaze back to the side of the bed. No. Kaori's not here. The walls are white. I'm not in my bedroom either. It's a memory.

A memory I had forgotten.

My pulse is roaring, as I remember. They were Takashi's parents. They had died. Reality had been hazy because I was on a lot of shit. However, it's true. It has to be. Is it?

Fingers threading through the strands of my hair, I pull at my hair to wake me up from this nightmare. The scenery doesn't change. I'm here. I'm breathing. I'm alive. The memory is gone, but it was real. It felt real. It has to be.

I can't fall asleep after that. At the crack of dawn, I'm one of the first patients to eat breakfast. I get a few glances from some of the workers, since it's a time I'm not up. I usually catch the last breakfast session because I tend to sleep in.

My chest feels tight when I see a familiar face join the stroll into the eating area. The ceramic mug of coffee shatters onto the table, breaking in millions of pieces. Brown liquid spills everywhere. I gape in disbelief when the senpai, who had once introduced me to music, takes a seat on the adjacent table.

Takashi turns his head towards me. "You must love stalking me, Yamato-kun."

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(a/n) Damn. I broke my weekly update streak. Nevertheless, here's the latest chapter. It's a long one. Some more backstory and new content ;) Thank you for still reading this fanfic! :)