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Chapter Thirty - Four
Tutius est in solitudine - 'Loneliness is safer'
March 18th 1989
23.38pm
Henry sat out on the porch swing of his family home. His thoughts about this past week rolling in his mind, just like clouds rolling in on yet another cloudy night in Pittsburgh. The clouds started covering the last of the twilight sky, as if the blackness failed to come fast enough. The rolling of the grey rapidly becoming as invisible as the stars they covered. The air lingering around was still humid, a claustrophobic tension began to surround him, the kind where the only thing to do is seek shelter and sleep it off, yet our minds continue to roll just like the clouds, entering the darkness with the night.
'May I?' Marie McCord asked as she stepped out onto the porch joining her son. Henry didn't move from his position but simply nodded prompting his mother to take a seat next to him. She allowed a few moments of silence to linger between them as she adjusted to the heavy atmosphere.
'So, What happened?' She asked softly. Henry dipped his head into his hands and sighed heavily.
'I messed up' he mumbled. Every time those words escaped his lips, or circled in his head it was matched with a physical crushing upon his chest. He sat back up right and inhaled deeply.
'I lied, for months. Didn't tell her about my deployment and well… I only told her because I had too, she had a job offer she turned down because of our relationship and I couldn't let her do that, knowing I was lying to her.' He paused and shook his head, the disappointment with himself kicking him constantly. 'So I told her everything and of course she wasn't happy, she asked me to go and I did, I didn't know if I should fight for her or leave, so I left. That look of hurt in her eyes mom, I caused that' he shook his head and took deep breaths to compose himself
'We raised you better than this Henry' her own disappointment of her sons behaviour showcasing itself
'I know, that's why I left, come down here because if I stayed around I'd be trying to see her and talk to her, but she deserves better. I realised I only told her because of the job offer, If that hadn't come up I don't even know if I would have told her now, and I'm deployed in ten days; and that's not because I want to lie to her, god no I love her so much. We were just in such a good space, a happy routine and it was perfect, I didn't want to disrupt that, I didn't want anything to change. I even considered leaving the marines with immediate effect just to stay and be around with her, for her. Instead I've ended up with a life without her.'
'Oh Henry' she sighed sadly wrapped an arm around him. 'If she means that much to you, which I know she does then what are you doing here? Go and get her Henry' Marie pushed him
'I can't mom, I want to but I can't. Because what if at the next deployment I do the same? What if I lie to her all over again after she has healed and forgiven me? She is too precious to be broken like that again, its better this way' he run his hands down his legs stopping at his knees as he gripped the tops of them tightly and breathing in deeply before standing up
'It will be ok. I just want to spend the next few days with you, dad, maureen, Shane, Erin. I just want to be surrounded by my family, at least that way I can try and…'
'Try and what? Fill the void that she has left within you? Don't kid yourself Henry. You love her, you'll never get over that, but your family are here for you' she smiled. She wrapped her arms around her son and kissed his cheeky softly.
'You'll always have us' she whispered as he clung to her a little tighter. A mothers hug held healing power. He stepped back and his watering eyes smiled at her
'I know' he kissed her cheek and took her arm, guiding her back into the house and out of the darkness of the night.
Elizabeth sat at her kitchen table, a mug of coffee laced between her fingers and her political science books sprawled open before her. She had been staring at the same page for over an hour, nothing was going in, her mind was preoccupied with all her hurt. She unwrapped her hands from her mug and leant back in the chair sighing heavily as her back collided with the wooden material.
She her mind was chasing thoughts of her and Henry, the good and the bad. She questioned everything about their relationship, who he was and who she is now because of him. Since they split a week ago she had this intense feeling that something was pushing down on her chest making it difficult to breath, the physical pain of heartbreak suffocated her as her mind provided the torment.
She looked around the room and her eyes began to fill with tears; the house was cold and bleak. It wasn't a home, it was just that, a house. A shell of a building that she revised in and lay her head down to rest at night. She tried to recoil the happy memories of her and henry, but she couldn't, all images and visions fell flat before her.
'Come on Elizabeth' she whispered to herself as her breath shook, the heartbreak rose in her throat causing a lump, a lump she couldn't swallow back or push away. She closed her eyes as her tears dripped from her eyes down her face; the silent tears often hold the loudest of screams. She whimpered and sniffled as she tried to keep her tears at bay. Her cried echoed around the home, another reminder that she had no one anymore, everyone she had ever loved; Her Mother, Her Father, Henry… All gone. The bitter reality took a hold of her as her cries bounced back to her ears. The harrowing sensation of loneliness claimed her, taking away her light as her heart-wrenching sobs tumbled from her lips.
The light was stolen from her, much like what the clouds often done to the stars; made them appear non-existent. They blanketed the sky hiding the moon and the stars in all its glory, and some nights it didn't matter how much the moon fought to shine its light the clouds continued to roll in and stretch over the sky, giving it a hazy ominous feel, a sense of never ending darkness.
