Hi all, scary times outside at the moment! So, here's a distraction from the real world. Feel free to leave feedback, thoughts etc.
This chapter does take a slightly dark turn, with elements of PTSD, panic attacks etc.
Chapter 34: Fear of Kindness
Steve puts the last box in the trunk and slams the door, packing the truck with the last of the girls' things, he turns to Amelia, 'so, what's the plan?' She nods and takes a deep breath, leaning against the car, 'we are out of here today, stay with you until after Christmas, head home for New Year's, then come back and into the new house from the second. I already have the keys, eeeek! Exciting, hey?' Steve can just about keep up, but he knows he is grateful to spend Christmas with Amelia and Rosie.
Amelia walks over to him and puts her head on his shoulder. 'Thank you for everything, I feel bad, uprooting her Christmas like this.' Steve wraps an arm around her and smiles, 'you are most welcome.' Amelia brightens, 'hey, I can cook Christmas dinner? I need to thank you somehow.' Steve raises his hands, 'hey, I ain't going to complain, anything is better than eggs.' Amelia kisses his lips, laughing against him, 'I am quite partial to eggs, maybe I can teach you a thing or two, wouldn't be the first lesson I gave you in the kitchen,' she jokes cheekily.
In the apartment Andi is stood in the middle of the empty lounge and Bucky is leaning against a wall. Rosie is running around, arms wide, like a plane. 'This place has been good to us,' Andi notes pensively, looking over at Bucky, 'even you have good memories here.' He smiles, thinking of the couch, kissing, watching Grease, sneaking out in the morning, playing monopoly, water fights. 'Yeah, I'll miss it.' When she says the word memories, it just reminds him of all that he's missing. But looking around, he knows she's right and it doesn't take long to build some new ones.
Rosie runs into her room and stops, pausing sadly. She looks around at the plain walls, her artwork and posters gone. Her beds no more and her toys stowed elsewhere. Her mother appears behind her and bends down, 'it will all be at the new place, it's safe and sound, tucked away sleeping.' She strokes Rosie's hair and she tries to blow her mother's hand away. 'You have been so good about this, I think Santa will be really impressed.' Rosie lights up and flops back onto Amelia. 'Really?' She asks excitedly. Steve walks over to them and Rosie asks him, 'have you met Santa?' Amelia gives him a look and Steve bends down, 'you know, I thought I did once when I was a kid, but Bucky woke up and scared him off.' Rosie laughs and calls over to him, 'bad Bucky.'
Andi snaps their picture, the three of them from behind, staring into the white empty space and then waggles a finger, muttering bad Bucky. Steve stands, helping Amelia up and then lifting Rosie, 'we will get buckled in and meet you downstairs.' Bucky follows him out, leaving Andi and Amelia. The girls smile, listening to them chatting with Rosie in the hallway.
Amelia looks sad and sniffs 'I'm really going to miss it here. And ughhh, we did so much wallpapering and painting.' Andi laughs, 'I thought you were going so say we did so much growing here!' Amelia reaches for her hand, 'yeah, that too.' They both disconnect their house keys, 'bye flat,' Andi says quietly. They turn the lights off and pull the door closed, Amelia seals the keys in an envelope and posts them back inside. Stood in the hallway, Andi calls, 'oh, I think I forgot something.' Amelia rolls her eyes, stating 'tough!' Not rising to her sister's joke. 'This feels like the last episode of Friends,' Andi jokes as her sister pulls her towards the elevator, 'one last ride for old time's sake!'
When they arrive at the tower, Steve directs everyone like a scout-master. 'Andi, you are in with Buck.' She whispers a yes and high fives him. 'Miss Rosie, you are in the room next to Mommy.' Amelia interrupts and says 'unless you want to be with me?' Rosie shakes her head defiantly, 'no mamma, I'm a big girl.' Steve smiles 'and Amelia you are...ummm… you're with me,' he mumbles quietly, looking at Rosie. She has small bag with her and a teddy bear, so she feels like she brought some luggage, but she seems uninterested in what he is saying.
It took Bucky twenty minutes to lug everything they brought with them in and out of the lift. 'Where shall I put the gifts?' Andi asks, 'where's your tree?' Bucky and Steve look at one another and shrug, 'we don't have one.' Andi falters and looks at them suspiciously, 'sorry, what? You don't have a Christmas tree?' Rosie gasps and stares at them. 'Well, we must fix that and quick. Grab an axe, Barnes.' Amelia shakes her head, 'let's get settled first and then maybe we can buy one, rather than hacking at the compound with a weapon.' Andi sighs, 'fine.'
Andi and Steve end up at the tree place, it's close to Christmas so some are browning and some are a bit ropey. Steve is still sporting his beard and people are hard pressed to recognise him. Pointing to her chin, Andi says, 'this works way better than the baseball cap.' Steve runs a hand over it, 'I noticed, thanks.' They've selected a tree and they are just waiting for a couple of assistants to bag it up. 'Can't you just grab it and we will make a run for it?' She asks cheekily. 'No, because that would be illegal.' Andi looks at him, 'dude, no one knows it's you, it won't be on the news. Captain America lookalike and smokin' blonde, steal tree,' she jokes. Steve finds her a little full on and exhausting and he's always on edge about what explicit details she might divulge about his friend.
'How did you feel about that?' Steve asks, kicking a bit of bark on the floor, hands shoved in his pockets. 'About what? Oh, Amelia in the press?' I think it's hilarious, she's so camera shy and now she's a z-lister by association.' Steve looks at her, tilting his head, 'I meant her and Bucky.' Andi laughs, 'don't be insane Steve, there's nothing there, mutual respect and a friendly love, but nothing more, let the press think what they want. Shall I drape an arm over you and we can cause some more headlines?' She asks suggestively, Steve steps away, 'charming' she mutters.
A young man appears and offers his help, 'Hi, yes, we want this one please.' The man smiles and walks off to prepare the tree. 'So, when are you away next?' She asks Steve. He shakes his head, 'hard to say, could be anytime.' Andi is strolling around looking at trees. 'Maybe we should stay put, guard our tree?' She asks, Steve looks around at over a hundred trees, 'I think we will be fine.' She continues to stroll, happy with his advice. 'Well, don't make it as long this time, please, we all missed you and Mia was going crazy, especially with that baby stuff.' Steve stops and looks at Andi, 'what baby stuff?' Andi panics for a brief moment and then convinces herself, there was no baby she's done nothing wrong. 'Oh Amelia was a little late and thought there was a bun in the oven, but not this time. You will have to try a little harder to get past a Miller's defences.' She walks ahead and cringes at her own joke and then thinking about how Amelia is going to kill her. Steve catches up, 'sorry, Amelia thought she was pregnant, with my baby?' Andi hums, hoping he will let it go. 'She hasn't said anything,' Andi sighs and turns to him, 'Steve, it was nothing, no baby, just a late period, nothing to tell. It's not like she was picking out names, she was scared shitless.' Steve looks a little sad at the last bit and then the tree man reappears, 'it's all ready for you' he says happily.
Andi points in the direction of the truck and turns to Steve, 'look, don't say anything, ok, wait, let her tell you, it's not some deep secret, but it's awkward, difficult. Please let her say and do the right thing and don't drop your future sister in law in it.'
On their first night in the tower, Amelia steps out of Steve's bathroom, dressed in some Rudolph pyjamas. Steve watches her and thinks about what Andi let slip. 'Do you think she's ok next door?' Steve looks up, 'I think Bucky is looking after Andi just fine.' Amelia scrunches her face, 'yuk, no, I meant my four year-old!' Steve mumbles an apology and Amelia stops, to look at him, folding her arms and snapping tersely, 'right, what's going on? You have been weird since you got back from the tree place. What did she say?' Steve winces and gets up to grab a water. He taps a tablet on the worktop and he can see Rosie on a video feed, still sleeping soundly. Amelia follows him, 'come on, Steve, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, our first Christmas.' She says it so hopefully and now he feels like an asshole. 'She said you had a pregnancy scare, while I was gone.' Amelia stares at him and then struggles for the words 'well, a scare seems OTT, it was a late period, but sure, for a moment I thought... maybe, I could be and I was scared, is that ok with you?' Her tone is slightly irritated, he nods and she sighs before continuing 'if I was, I would deal with it, but it's early for us and I don't want to struggle like last time, I want stability and support, someone to share the morning sickness with and not just my sister.' Steve refills his glass, with his back to her he asks 'when you say deal with it...?' Amelia walks over quickly, 'I don't mean like that. Andi's right, your kids would be adorable and who knows, maybe, one day, but right now it's Christmas, none of this is relevant, so please, cheer the hell up.' He laughs a little and from the corner of her eye, Amelia spots Rosie sitting up and looking around, with a wobbly lip. 'She's confused, I'll go.' Amelia turns sharply, walking away briskly, 'it's not a big deal, but you are making it one.' She leaves the room, she doesn't look at him or smile as she goes and Steve stares at his glass thinking maybe Andi was right and he should have left it. He thinks about her words, maybe one day…
Amelia returns with Rosie almost thirty minutes later, she walks in and points at him, 'hey look, it's Stevie.' Steve smiles over and waves at Rosie, she's wearing hulk pyjamas and she's rubbing her teary eyes. 'Just a little bit scared. Wasn't sure where she was.' Amelia walks her to the bed and Rosie crawls into it. Amelia gets in behind her and yawns. Steve walks to his side and smiles down at them, Amelia asks him quickly, 'is this ok? I'll stay between us, but we would do this at home, I mean not often, but…' He nods, laughing at her rambling and slips in, spooning Amelia, he strokes her waist and when he leans up and looks over, both the girls are asleep. He gently kisses Amelia's temple, she mumbles in response and switches off the bedside lamp.
When Steve awakens, there's a face staring down at him. Rosie is sat on his chest and pulling his eyes open with her tiny hands. 'Wake up, it's Christmas!' Amelia groans, rolling over to Steve and he lifts his arm allowing her to tuck in close, 'not yet, it's Christmas Eve. You need to be a good girl for a little longer.' Rosie giggles and jumps up and down, 'what happens tomorrow?' Steve asks from the corner of his mouth. Amelia mutters, 'we start all over again.' Steve laughs and looks at Rosie, 'what have you asked for, Miss Rosie?' She tries to stand, but falls and rolls in between them, 'a cat!' She calls. Amelia rolls her eyes at Steve, 'but we discussed this Rosie, and seeing as we are moving, Santa might not think that's the best idea.' Rosie continues to list small things, 'a Thor hammer,' she says with a big grin.
Amelia rolls onto her side and looks at Steve over Rosie's head, 'where is he? Is he not in your club anymore?' She asks jokingly. Steve sighs, 'beats me.' He looks sad and Amelia kisses his cheek. Rosie giggles, 'urghhh that's my mommy,' she says in disgust.
Suddenly music starts playing loudly throughout the room, it's an awful Christmas song and Rosie covers her ears. Amelia gets under the bedding and Steve asks FRIDAY to stop it and where it came from. The AI explains that Miss Miller requested it. Steve looks down and 'not this Miller,' squeaks out from under the blanket. Andi bursts into the room and says 'oh, what happened to the music?' Rosie jumps up and leaps into Andi's arms, she rocks her side to side and says, 'who cooks breakfast here, Steve?' He looks at her unbothered, 'you do.' She just stares at him, 'unless you want to go to the canteen.' Andi turns calling Bucky and slamming the door shut behind her.
Amelia turns to Steve, 'are we ok, yes? the whole baby/period thing? Please, it was nothing, don't think any more of it. I'm sorry I got shirty, I didn't expect it.' Steve smiles and remembers the three of them curled up and he strokes her face gently, 'we are the best. I'm sorry, I panicked.' Steve looks down at her, 'nice PJs,' Amelia giggles rolling into him.
By the evening, everyone is climbing the walls with Rosie's constant questions like, 'is he here?' or 'has he been yet?' Andi tirelessly explains that Santa does not come until she is asleep.
Amelia is unpacking groceries that she bought for dinner and everyone else is watching Andi and Rosie decorate the tree. Andi looks at Steve, Bucky and Nat sat on the sofa, not exactly a picture of festive spirit. 'Come on, folks, what's with the long faces? It's Christmas!' Natasha huffs and steps off the sofa, grabbing a pink fairy from a box of ornaments that Amelia found in the storage unit. She steps up next to Andi and keeps eye contact as she reaches for the top of the tree. Pulling at it forcefully until it bends and forces the pink, fluffy fairy on top of the tree, allowing it to spring back and nearly whack Andi. Andi eyes her as she returns to her seat on the couch, muttering 'that was terrifying.'
Andi peers around and spots Rosie hanging a pile of ornaments, she's crammed them within arm's reach and one corner of the tree is clearly over-populated. Andi looks at Steve pleadingly, 'Steve, come on, you must like this kind of shi-stuff, get involved.' She nods at Rosie and he drags himself off the couch. Bending beside her, he compliments her work and then lifts her up so she can reach higher. She giggles and it warms the room, Bucky blows his hair out of his face and Natasha smiles at the girl. Andi ducks out and heads for the kitchen.
Amelia looks up, expecting Steve, 'oh, hello, come to spill some more of my secrets?' Andi hisses and says 'douche, he promised.' Amelia gives her an unbelieving look. 'I'm sorry, ok? It just popped out.' Amelia pauses from peeling carrots and says 'please, just be careful, you have a mouth the size of the Serengeti.' Andi laughs and sits on the counter, looking around the corner she can see Bucky has stood and is also hanging ornaments. She smiles to herself, turning to her sister, 'what is it about this lot and the holidays?' Amelia sighs and her peeling becomes more aggressive, striking layers of carrot off quickly. 'Andi, not everyone is blessed with family and gifts like us, it's not happy for everyone.' Andi looks sad and stares at her feet, as she sways them. She bites her lip, but decides to change the topic. 'Should we see Mom when we go home?' Amelia stops at the sink, where she is draining vegetables. 'Oh God, I hadn't even considered that, I guess we should.'
Someone walks in, 'should what?' They look up and see Tony, 'now I know you work for me, but when did we take on a chef?' Amelia tilts her head and says 'it's a thank you for letting us stay here.' Tony looks surprised, 'you're staying? It's not Bates' Motel, you know?' Amelia looks worried, but then he chuckles. 'Will there be pumpkin pie, again?' Andi rolls her eyes at him and leaves the room.
Steve and Rosie are counting red baubles and Bucky is smiling, watching them. Andi creeps up to Bucky and leans in over his shoulder. 'Hey, I think I'm ready.' He turns quickly, wide eyed, 'for what?' She reaches out and runs a hand through his hair softly. Looking him in the eye seriously, 'I'm going to cut your hair.' He laughs a little and looks down, it falls into his eye and she moves back from him, 'no more hiding, Barnes.' He nods slowly and she reaches for his hand, leading him off, she calls 'don't bother us!' Steve just smirks and Rosie asks where they are going and if she can go too, Steve laughs, 'let's go find mommy.'
When Steve walks into the kitchen Tony is leaning over the counter, chewing on a carrot stick and Amelia is laughing at something he just said. Steve's not keen on the scene, but reminds himself to relax. Tony turns, 'ah, Capsicle, there you are. This fine woman was just telling me her plans for new year. New England, hey? You gonna fish and sit on the dock of the bay?' Tony is goading him and Steve puts Rosie onto a chair, sincerely explaining, 'actually, I'm really looking forward to it, time away with the girls and you won't be there, so that's a bonus.' Amelia tries to hide a laugh, Tony points at Rosie 'you've made him much more sassy, I don't like it one bit.' Rosie giggles, no idea what he just said to her. Steve's phone vibrates and he reads a message calling him to a conference room on a lower level, he grumbles and promises he will be five minutes. 'It's Christmas Eve, Tony! Don't you let people go home?' Tony ignores him and Steve sighs as he looks back at Tony eating carrots and once again chatting to Amelia. She laughs at something and Rosie tries to pat his hand on the counter as he dodges her antics.
Andi drags Bucky into his room and through to the bathroom. She sits him on the toilet and busies herself with finding what she needs. 'Take your shirt off!' she demands, 'yes, ma'am' he smirks, standing and lifting it off. She grabs a towel and wraps it around his shoulders. She leaves and comes back with some kitchen scissors and he eyes her, 'uh, I don't think so.' Standing, he reaches into a mirrored cabinet, passing her a smaller pair. She smiles in delight and he sits back down, 'I don't want you taking my ear off. I need to keep hold of all my other extremities.' She laughs a little, but he isn't joking.
After staring at him and touching his hair for a few minutes she bends and begins to gently chop strips off. She's eye level with him and mumbles 'if I look down, I will likely stop. Such amazing hair.' He holds her waist with both hands and tells her 'you're doing good.' She chuckles, 'you have no idea what I've done up here, Barnes. Could be a bowl cut.' She continues chopping, looking very serious, tongue between her teeth and leaning back every now and then to check the length.
'What's your favourite Christmas memory?' she asks from nowhere. Bucky thinks about it for a while, exhaling loudly, 'Steve's mom, Sarah, she was ill for a real long time and we saved all our dollar bills to buy her this butterfly hair thing. When she saw it she demanded we take it back, that it was too much money. So, we eventually let up and we went and sat in the park for an hour and then we snuck it back into her room and it was never mentioned again. She would wear it almost every day.'
Andi straightens and looks at him, 'and now Rosie has it?' she says softly. Bucky just nods, muttering lowly 'two special ladies.' Andi smiles 'you old charmer, Barnes.' He coughs awkwardly and asks 'what have you got me for Christmas?' Andi laughs loudly and stops to look at him. 'I can't tell you, that's no fun!' She bends down again and then realises something. 'oh, I do have something to show you though. It's mine, not for you, but inspired by you. You'd be amazed what comes up when I put your name in online.' He looks at her warmly and she promises she will be back, jogging from the room. She calls to him, 'going to write all my witty one liners in it!' Bucky looks at the ground and there's black hair littering it. He wipes a hand through one side and smiles, feeling like a new Bucky. He leans up, trying to catch a look in the mirror, 'I hope you're not peaking!' She calls to him, he mumbles, 'lucky guess.'
Andi's voice gets closer, 'I got it off Etsy, so it's not authentic, but it's an ode to you! The shop was called Barmey about Barnes, fun, hey?' She steps in with a notebook in her hand, Bucky catches sight of it and his back straightens. The red leather and silver star apparent against her pale skin. He begins to hyperventilate and begins panting looking between the notebook and the scissors she's clasping. The smile drops from her face as she notices his grimace and his furious brow. His eyes are incensed and he's breathing rapidly, he foams with rage as he looks at her, tearing the towel from his shoulders, 'where did you get that?'
Before she can respond Bucky is stood up and pushing her against the bathroom wall, his arm under her chin and pressing hard at her throat. The scissors and notebook clatter to the floor and as Andi looks at him in terror, she can see the danger in his eyes. They appear black and lifeless, like he is going to tear her in two. He doesn't seem to know her, or recognise her voice. She pales and splutters, trying to push him away, she kicks a basket of toiletries and tries to roll away from him, crashing into the shower cubicle door. He grabs her again, dragging her up the wall and forcing his arm under her chin once more. He smashes his metal fist against the tiled wall and Andi can see cracks forming from the corner of her eye. His fist lands inches from her face and she winces in horror, begging for him to let her go. She tries to call for Amelia, knocking her own fist against the wall, until he pins it down with his knee.
She coughs his name and panicking she looks around for something to help. 'Bu…Bu…' she can't finish her words and for the first time she's truly terrified of him.
AN: I know Bucky has got particularly upset about something quite small, but I think sometimes it is those things that push people to the brink. Next chapter, we will see what happens and the fallout. Stay safe x
