Hy my Lovelies! Hope you and your families are all doing good! So due to the virus, we're closing early at work, which means i'll probably have more time. I'll try to upload more frequently, if not for anything else, to keep entertained those who are stuck home already. Please, regardless of your age, stay safe, keep away from crowded places and if you can, stay at home. Don't trust every bit of info you find on sites, always check the sources and dont let the mass-panic get to you. I know this is a very hard time, many people has already lost their jobs and the situation will only get worse, before it gets better. But it will get better. We will recover from this, and so will the economy. So hold on and most importantly, stay human. We can only get through this by helping each other. A little bit of kindness in the time of need can do a lot of good. Take care, my darlings!


XXIX: One Last Cigarette

They slept a couple more hours then Harry left and flew back to the Gryffindor tower to change. Neville was still asleep, but he found Ron's bed empty. He showered and changed quickly then went down to the Common Room, hoping to find his best friend there.

Given it was still rather early on a Sunday, the room was still empty, only Ron and Hermione were there. Hermione was reading a book and writing her homework, while Ron lay next to her on the couch, with his head in her lap, explaining animatedly something about Quidditch. He stopped when he noticed Harry on top of the stair and sat up.

"Drum rolls, please!" He cried with a wide grin. "The brave lion has survived the night and returned to us!"

Laughing, Harry ran down the stairs, gave a little shove to Ron's head as he passed him then crashed on the opposite couch. He was shaking his head lightly, but he couldn't get the grin off his face.

"So… Did you do it?" Ron asked eagerly. Hermione pretended not to pay attention, but Harry could see her quill wasn't moving anymore.

He took a deep breath, trying to wipe the smile off his face – an unsuccessful endeavour – then ran his hand through his hair. He nodded, then ducked his head slightly.

Ron boxed into the air. "Thousand points for Gryffindor!" He exclaimed laughing. "How was it?"

"Amazing…" Harry sighed, leaning back on the couch.

"Are you all right, Harry?" Hermione asked with a slight concern in her tone. "I mean…"

Harry just nodded his head again. "Yeah, I'm all good. He was… careful."

Ron's eyes widened and he shook his head too. "Blimey Harry, your blood won't be good anymore to summon evil, that's for sure." He chuckled.

"Oh, do shut up," Harry grunted, but laughed none the less.

"All right, let's go down to breakfast," Ron said then stood up. "I really hope he gives you some extra points, Harry, because we're way behind Slytherin and I've seen Ginny and the team yesterday, and let me tell you, they'll need a miracle to beat Hufflepuff in the next game."

Harry was grateful for the sudden change in the topic and as they climbed out of the portrait hole, he and Ron kept discussing the chances for Gryffindor to win the House Cup, or at least not come last.

They headed to the Great Hall, meeting more and more people on the corridors. They ran into Wallace who said a couple words to Harry about the huge success of the Duelling Club's first lesson, expressing his fears that perhaps not even the Great Hall would be enough to accommodate all of them the next time. They talked for a few minutes, then Harry's loudly rumbling belly interrupted them. Wallace just laughed and they were sent on their way.

"He's walking," Ron noted suddenly, looking way up ahead. Harry lifted his head too and noticed Snape immediately, assuming Ron meant him as well.

"Well what do you expect him to do? Fly?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

Snape was heading their way, though he ignored all three of them.

"No…" Ron muttered. "It's just… Is he okay?"

"Why wouldn't he be?"

Ron looked thoughtful for a moment. "I don't know, something's weird about him. He walks... differently."

Panicking, Harry looked at his best friend, then at the man not far away. "No, he doesn't," he said quickly.

Ron was quiet for a heartbeat, then said, "Oh my god Harry, you didn't. Did you?"

"Shut up, Ron." Harry whispered.

Ron's eyes widened. "Bloody hell, you did. You buggered him!" He hissed in a quiet tone so that not even Snape, who was walking towards them thankfully still ignoring them, wouldn't hear it either.

Harry felt heat rising in his cheeks and just grunted, "Oh god, just shut up," as Snape was getting closer and closer.

Ron valued his life and remained silent, his head bent low as Snape passed them.

Harry however, searched the professor's face and tried to catch his gaze. Black eyes glinted as Snape's glance shifted and he looked at Harry for a moment just as they walked past each other. Harry felt fingers brush gently against his hand and a sudden warmth filled him.

He couldn't help but look behind him and was satisfied to see that Snape' head was slightly turned as well, then the man quickened his steps and strode away.

Fingers still tingling, Harry smiled to himself, poked Ron's side, pointing behind them at the billowing robes. "See, there's nothing wrong with him."

Ron however only gave him an admiring look as he whispered, "You're not convincing me that it didn't happen."

They went in the Great Hall but found it mostly empty. They looked for a good spot near the Head Table and sat down. Harry poured himself some orange juice and piled his plate with eggs and bacon. Ron filled Hermione and his plate too, then buttered up some toasts, while Hermione poured them some tea.

They dug in and ate in silence. Harry was just washing down a bite of toast with a gulp of drink when out of nowhere, Ron said thoughtfully, "It took me ages to let Hermione near my backside."

Harry snorted orange juice all over his breakfast, while Hermione's cutleries fell loudly onto the china.

"Oh my god, Ronald Weasley if you don't shut up…." She hissed red as a beetroot.

Ron looked at them confused. Harry suddenly remembered what Ron had said about wizards and witches not caring about who put what where.

"What?" Asked Ron. "It's just sex."

The book was slammed shut and Hermione stood promptly from the table. "I will not partake in this conversation." She stated and stormed away.

Ron just shrugged after her, still confounded.

"It doesn't change anything." Harry said quietly after a long moment.

Ron snapped his head back at his best friend but left the confirmation without comment. He only said, "Of course it does. He's not the kind of man to just give over control."

"I know..."

Ron took a bite from his bacon then asked, "Harry, are you actually both in love?"

Harry looked into the blue eyes, not quiet knowing what to say to that. On his part, absolutely, on Snape's part however, it was a little more complicated.

"I may have teased you about it, but…" Ron tilted his head, half smile on his face. "Do you love him?"

Harry nodded. "Yes, I do. Is that weird?"

"Isn't love always? Besides," Ron shrugged, "how am I supposed to know? I'm probably single by now…" he looked at Hermione who was sitting several feet away, talking with Ginny and Neville now.

Harry snorted. "She won't kick you out, don't worry…" Harry grinned.

"Hope you're right, mate," Ron laughed. "Do you mind if we sit over to them?" He asked after a moment and when Harry shook his head, they gathered their plates and joined the others.

Harry watched Ron look sheepishly at Hermione who just rolled her eyes but scooted over to give Ron space next to her. He kissed her and blushing slightly, she smiled back at him.

For some people, it was so simple to express love. For them, love came easy. It didn't mean they loved less or not as intensely, just that it was something they could feel effortlessly. For others it took more. They resisted a little, or they were blind about it and not willing to accept it. And that was all right too, as long as they stayed true to themselves in the end.

But for some, Harry suspected, being in love was a constant fight with themselves. A battle of wanting happiness and protection from pain. Because there was no love without pain. Sooner or later, agony would arrive, happiness would be over, and nothing would remain just the sweet, sweet memories.

o.O.o

They passed Sunday afternoon with homework. Harry was behind, given the Duelling Club and that he had spent all yesterday afternoon thinking of meeting Severus instead of studying. He had a lot to catch up on. He thought about going up to the Headmaster's office and joining the professor, though he suspected there wouldn't be much studying done if he did. He made a deal with himself to visit later, when he was done with everything.

It was silent in the Library, though many students decided to spend the afternoon here. Only the sound of rustling pages and scraping quills broke the quiet. Harry was writing his essay on the Bubblehead Charm, needing only two more hinderances and one benefit, when a pretty barn owl swished in and landed on the table in front of him.

They swiftly looked around but Madam Pince was luckily further away, her back to the trio's table. The owl hooted and raised her leg and Harry quickly untied the roll of parchment before the strict librarian would notice the animal.

The bird jumped into the air and swished away noiselessly. Harry looked after her, wishing he could follow her.

He rolled out the parchment, hoping it was from Severus, but the elegant letters were only faintly familiar.

Would you mind coming to my classroom this evening? There's something I'd like to show you.

Prof. A. Wallace

"Him?" Ron asked when Harry let the parchment roll back in.

He shook his head. "No, just Wallace."

"What does he want?" Hermione asked.

"To show me something," Harry shrugged. "Maybe he found a bigger room that could hold the Duelling Club."

Hermione and Ron bent back over their homework, and so did Harry but suddenly he couldn't concentrate. He read the words, but they did not get through his mind, letters swam in front of his eyes, wavy, like a mirage.

Realizing there was absolutely no chance now that he could focus, he stood up, though left his books and parchments as they were.

"Where are you going?" Hermione asked in a quiet voice, not to get Madam Pince's attention on them.

"To have a cigarette break," Harry smiled, then walked to the window and opened it. He looked around one more time to check if anyone was paying them attention. Luckily every head was buried in books, so he morphed into his snowy owl form and flew out of the library.

The fresh air that immediately hit his face was invigorating. His eyes, weary from all that reading, were wide open and sharp now. He stretched his wings and flew a couple circles to wake himself fully up before he turned towards Severus' balcony. With a couple of fast, steady flaps of those long white wings it didn't take him more than a minute to land on the balustrade.

He turned back into human as he jumped off the marble then headed to the glass door. The webbed, broken glass was still left unfixed from this morning, and Harry didn't raise his wand to do anything about it. Sometimes people needed a reminder about what it was like to let go and forget our fears even if just for a little while.

As he pushed down the handle and stepped inside, it occurred to him that Severus might not be happy about him coming and going freely in his quarter, but then his eyes landed on the man, who was sitting on the couch. He didn't even look up when Harry walked closer.

"Hi," he said timidly.

Severus was reading something. A heavy stack of parchments and an empty cup of tea on the table kept him company, while his eyes shifted over rows and rows of scribbled writing. His legs were crossed and he was leaning back against the couch. He appeared rather relaxed, though there was a little frown on his forehead indicating that whatever he was reading, he didn't much like it.

"Mmm…" He hummed acknowledging Harry's presence, still not taking his eyes off the paper.

Harry pulled out his wand and tapped the empty cup, refilling it with some hot peppermint green tea then he levitated it to Snape. The fine, blue china hovered at Severus' hand unnoticed, or simply just ignored.

He walked around the couch and peaked into the parchment, trying to see what could hold Severus' attention this badly.

He didn't see any title, but apparently it was the umpteenth page of some Potions journal, detailing the benefits of the hyacinth in stabilizing volatile brews.

His hands slipped from the back of the couch unto Severus' shoulders, thirsty for the man's attention. The touch seemed to have finally worked. Severus didn't stop reading but he took Harry's hand in his and pulled it a little forward, placing a gentle kiss onto the middle of Harry's palm. The gesture made Harry smile and he brushed his lips against Snape's temple.

"Unbelievable," Snape said, his tone filled with ire. "Listen to this. Hyacinth leaves are nature's very own soothing balm. They work particularly well against burn marks on skin and studies show they effect potions in a similar way. What does that even mean? Will it soothe the burn mark on my potion? Will it heal my burnt cauldron? What idiotic paper would publish such nonsense?"

He dropped the parchment onto the table then took the cup from the air and sipped it.

"Why do you even read it then?" Harry asked, his arms slowly sliding around Severus in a disguised attempt for a hug.

"I have to be absolutely familiar with it if I want to tear it to pieces in a different article," Snape said with an evil smile, then turned his face to Harry. "Don't think I haven't noticed your sneakily slithering hands around my person. What can I do for you, Mr. Potter?"

"I think it's me who can do something for you, Professor," Harry said with a smirk, his lips against Severus' ear.

"Is that so…?" Severus sighed. "What do you have in mind?"

The tea cup slowly floated back to the table, while Harry unfastened the top buttons on Severus' coat and reached underneath it. He could feel the professor's shoulders relax as he caressed his chest.

"I have a couple of things in mind actually."

"Don't you have homework to do? Exams to prepare for?"

"Mmm, everyone deserves a break," Harry murmured then kissed Severus, while his hand slipped further down, palm sliding under the black material, fingertips coming to rest only when they bumped into silver belt buckle.

"If you're searching for my cigarette case again, it's over there on the table," Severus noted slyly.

"I'm searching for something slightly longer than a cigarette," Harry murmured, lips against Snape's ear. Black buttons popped one by one, Snape's magic acting up once again.

"Slightly?" Severus questioned. "You wound me, Mr. Potter."

Harry laughed but then the black coat finally opened revealing a flat stomach and a gently rising and falling chest. The usual white shirt covered the slim body and Harry wanted more than anything to watch it get stripped off Severus as well, but it remained buttoned and Harry decided not to press the issue… for now.

Twin gaze followed his hand as it slowly ran over the silver buckle, then continued further down. Harry could feel Severus holding his breath back as his fingers came close to his groin, but then his hand took a sharp turn and drove up onto a lean thigh. Snape huffed slightly annoyed.

The next moment Harry found himself pulled over the back of the couch and land on the pillows with a quiet thud. He looked up at Severus, gaze questioning, but met only a raised eyebrow that seemed to challenge him to complain. He did not, instead he nested into the soft couch, while resting his head in the professor's lap.

Severus summoned the silver cigarette case from the table, watched it for a moment, then said quietly, "It was a gift from Albus." He opened it and pulled the last cigarette out then handed the empty case over to Harry. "He gave it to me on the night your mother died."

Harry observed the casing from a little closer now. The outside was simple enough, the monogram S.S. engraved in a corner with small but intricate letters that Harry was certain were Dumbledore's own handwriting. He had never seen the inside of it empty and hence was surprised to find a doe on the back cover surrounded with leaves and flowers etched into the silver. It was beautiful but subtle.

Snape snapped his fingers and the little flame on his nail burst up. He put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it, then blew the smoke out.

"You saw my memory of the night when I swore my loyalty to him in exchange for his protection of Lily. What you didn't see was how terrified I was to go back to Voldemort, face him for the first time knowing I had betrayed him. Albus left me there all alone to deal with the consequences of my action. The wild tremors in my hand were such an obvious evidence of what I have done. I was frightened, my own actions had shocked even me, so I went to the only place that I knew would welcome me. To Lucius."

Black eyes, clouded for a moment with the past turned to Harry as Snape put the cigarette to his lips. Harry sucked on it, let the smoke fill up his lungs. He hated how sad Severus sounded, how far away his voice was. He hated that there was a time when Snape's best option was Lucius Malfoy.

"I couldn't tell him what I've done. We were friends, but he would have turned me the moment I opened my mouth, if for nothing else then just out of fear. But he saw how shaken I was, and as a fellow Death Eater he was perfectly aware that sometimes our Master's orders were… challenging to accomplish. So he did the only thing that helped him, too. He pressed a glass of whiskey and a cigarette case in my hand. That was the first time I had a cigarette. We smoked and drank together in absolute silence and it calmed me. The burden of my actions weighed on me, but this was my escape from reality. The deep breathes, the scent of tobacco… it still is to this day."

The cigarette drifted from mouth to mouth, shrinking more and more. While during the earlier occasions when they shared a cig, Harry felt himself burn too, now, as he lay on the couch, looking up at the man, he only felt incessant smouldering in the pit of his belly. There was a reason for bringing up these memories and Harry was curious to find out what Snape wanted to tell him.

Severus sighed deeply, and flicked off the ash, that evaporated in the air before it would fall on the couch.

"To Albus it meant an open rebellion, of course. A nasty habit, he called it, knowing where I brought it from. He hated it when I smoked." Severus smirked slyly. "Absolutely detested it. He always smelled it on me and complained and the more he complained the more I smoked just to ire him. We didn't have the smoothest relationship back then, you see. He didn't trust me, always kept an eye on me and I did nothing to dissuade him otherwise. And why would he trust me, I was nothing but a turncoat Death Eater, bringing him information he needed."

Fingers wandered into Harry's hair, stroking him gently, and he knew what was about to come.

"Then, your mother died. I held her body, devastated. I ruined my life, yet it was all in vain, she was still dead." Snape said, voice hoarse now. "Lucius thought I was distressed over the death of our Master. With him, we all fell. We had the Mark, we were wanted men."

He cleared his throat and went on, his tone lighter now. "After that night, Albus kept summoning me over and over again, but I refused him. In the end, he came to me. He sat beside me, like Lucius did all those months ago and he smoked a cigarette with me." The memory made him smile. "He almost spat his lungs out, he was coughing so hard, but he finished it, the idiot. Then he handed the case over to me. It was his way of apologising, I know it. He promised me to protect Lily and he failed. He gave me the case to make sure I'll always remember her, the one thing in my life that was strong enough to pull me from the darkness."

"Little did he know you'll always have your doe to remind you." Harry smiled lifting a hand, caressing Severus' face with the back of his fingers. Black eyes closed and Severus nuzzled against the touch.

"And now you," he murmured then turned his head. Harry's fingers brushed his lips and he kissed them. "I don't want to escape anymore. I like this reality." He whispered, taking Harry's hand in his. He bent over Harry, shook his long hair out of his face.

"Is that why the case is empty?" Harry asked, hand on Severus' nape, pulling him closer.

"Yes."

Lips brushed against his in a soft kiss, a tongue slipped through the cage of his teeth. Warmth filled Harry's inside, not wild like lust, but simmering tranquil and peaceful.

He didn't need words, he knew perfectly well that sometimes actions could say more clearly what words failed to tell.