Hello there! I hope you all guys are safe and healthy!
I want to start by saying that I've made a little compromise with this chapter. Meaning that the original chapter was waaaay longer than this is (it was double the amount of words, or maybe a little more), but the thing is that I didn't manage to edit it all. It's written, but I didn't get to correct all the msitakes I usually make when I write too fast. So I decided to post half of the chapter now, and the other half tomorrow, as I wanted to keep on to my updating on Sundays. If something goes wrong tomorrow or I don't get the time to finish editing, I'll post it on Tuesday, but I doubt it :) Just wanted to let you know that there will be an extra post this week.
Dear Guest, I am glad I managed to make your day better. It makes me so happy to hear this
Caroline, here is more of the lovey dovey stuff. And stay tuned because soon, there will be some more :)
Tika86, I am sorry to hear you've had a shitty day at work. I hope it got better, as much as it is possible. Have a great week, be stong, and thank you for your support
GojGoj, hope you'll like this side of Dimitri too, and I hope this chapter gets to satisfy your need of knowing things about Dimitri. There will be more "confessions" of his as the time passes, more things from his past ;)
HonestPassion13, she'll use that word some more and so will Dimitri. And of couse Rose will get through that phase. After all, she has Dimitri by her side
Have a wonderful week y'all and I'm sending you lots of love. See you tomorrow!
You're my girl, Roza
DPOV
"God, sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's okay if you… I am used to… I mean, I get it if you... I really do. Don't worry. If it's the job you have, what you do, or anything… I… I understand, but it's just that... God, fuck! Why do I have to ruin everything, every single time?"
Tears begin to stroll down her cheeks and in my surprise, I can't say anything, I can't respond in any way, I can't even tell her she shouldn't cry about that. All I can do is to lift us a little and wipe some of those tears away.
She sniffs her nose as she takes my hand off her face and holds it.
"Don't… Don't be mad with me. I should… I shouldn't have said that. I am sorry. I just- No. You know what? I am done with being sorry for everything I say or do, or don't say, or don't do, and I am definitely not sorry for this. Life's too short and I've realized this now, these past days, and I don't have the time to live with half measures. I am going to say it out loud without being sorry for it. I am falling... no." she smiles a little. "I am in love with you," she whispers, so softly, like the wind blowing on a summer day. "And I am not sorry for it, for what I feel. And I don't know if you are too, but I am, Dimitri. I love you and… and I'm not sorry about it. Not at all..."
"Roza... You shouldn't do that. I am not the one that you're supposed to love. I'm not..."
But seeing the way she looks at me, I stop speaking.
How can I tell her not to feel what she feels when I see it so clearly on her face, in her eyes?
The way she looks at me, God, it never ceases to surprise. All the love I see there. The warmness. The trust. The kindness. I've looked in so many eyes in my life. Brown and blue, and green, and all the variations in between. But this pair of dark brown eyes feels like home more than any place I've ever been to.
"I don't care what I'm supposed to do or not. I do and I won't stop. I love you and if you-"
I don't know what she wanted to say, but I am already pressing my lips on hers, not giving her the chance to voice her fear, I guess. How could she think I am not loving her back?
She responds to my kiss with a sigh, her fingers wrapping a little tighter on my palm.
Pulling away from her, she starts biting her lip and is nervously putting her hair behind her ears.
"Look. I understand if-"
I sigh, and making her stop speaking by tilting her head a little, I kiss her forehead.
"I love you too, Roza. Don't you ever think otherwise."
Lifting off me completely, she is looking at me, just as surprised as I did when she told me the same words.
"You do?"
Smiling at her question, I wipe the last tears on her cheeks and pass my fingers through her hair.
"How could I not?"
More tears from in her eyes and it doesn't take them much to start falling.
"Why you're crying now, love?"
She wipes them with the back of her palm and smiling, she shrugs.
"I don't know. I just do. I'm just crying."
I laugh a little more at her reaction, and she gets closer to my face, her lips close to mine, her breath brushing on my lips.
"Kiss me, Dimitri," she whispers.
And I do. Bringing my lips over hers once more, she parts hers, soon welcoming my tongue into the warmness of her mouth as I kiss her slowly, and pressed, through those tears that for whatever reason now, keep on falling.
RPOV
His kiss leaving me breathless, I pull away and I get back to resting my cheek on his chest.
He… he loves me too.
With fingers playing in my still damp hair, after a sigh that revealed some relief, he starts speaking.
"Tell me if I miss something, okay?"
"Miss what?"
"A question of yours." still not knowing for sure what he means, I nod. I'll get it, I'm sure. "I can't name you a favorite song of mine, but as you already heard, you know the genre I prefer."
I get it. He is telling me the little things I wanted to know about him.
Hearing his words, smiling mostly for myself, I nuzzle my nose onto his skin and I continue to listen to his soothing voice as he speaks further.
"Ever since forever I've wanted all to have a pet, but none of my fam-" he stops to exhale slowly and prolongedly, as his fingers slide down on my spine, stopping at my hip where he starts drawing little circles. "One home I lived in when I was six, the owner of the house had a dog. That was the time I learned I was allergic to dogs because until then I didn't get a really bad reaction to them. Its name was Laika."
I tilt my head and watch him with a little smile creeping on my lips.
"Yes love, I know, that was very creative from him. He considered himself a hell of a patriot. Now let me continue. The dog liked me a lot. It was always around me and wanted to play with me. But I couldn't be around it, no matter how badly I wanted it too. And with time, as I grew up, I convinced myself that I don't like animals, of any kind."
"Dimitri... You cannot possibly dislike animals." I know he doesn't, it's just that childhood thing. "I am sure that you'd love having Ash around. He's a sweetheart."
He smiles a little. "I have no doubt about that. But isn't he a troublemaker too?" I bet he heard me call Ash that a thousand of times around my apartment.
"Trust me, he is compensating it plentily with his cuteness. But now, please continue."
"What was another thing you asked?"
"I don't really remember what I babbled then."
"I remember. Favorite ice cream flavor."
"Yes. Tell me that."
"Peaches."
"Peaches?" it's a sweet, unhealthy thing and he's still choosing a fruit flavor? Always a healthie.
"Yes, but the homemade ice cream. That's my favorite. Next… favorite book when I was fifteen, right?" I nod. How come he remembers them all? "I didn't have much time to read at fifteen. I was… let's say busy with other things. And I've read a lot of books I liked along the years, so I have a bunch of favorites." been there, done that. I have a long list too. "And as you again know, I enjoy westerns. I have always had. I like it how simple things were back then, and the honor people had, and the thoughts they had, how they acted."
"Oh, you just love the lawless times. You like how they broke the rules."
Smiling, he nods. "But do you remember the one book I recommended you?"
"'Lonesome dove'?"
"You remember it."
"Yeah, I liked what I managed to read from it."
"You should finish it one day." sighing, he kisses my forehead. "Is there something I missed?"
This one thing that I asked I still remember. "Something you love."
"That's simple to answer to."
"Is it?"
"Mhm. It's you," he whispers to me, his lips pressed on my temple. "It's you, Roza."
I don't need to hear any other words from him. I don't need him to answer any other questions.
I nuzzle my nose along his neck and nestle into his embrace.
But I remember. I might have a question.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes, love?"
"How you're feeling? How's your shoulder?" that… man… kinda took advantage of his wound.
"Don't you worry about me. I'm good."
"You're lying to me?"
"Not at all." he definitely is. "What about you? How are you?"
"I'm good," I respond promptly, but the thoughts of me holding that gun have already invaded my brain. Keeping my eyes closed tightly, I try to think about something else.
"You're lying to me?"
"Not at all."
He sighs and holds me tighter. "Oh, Roza. You… we..." he sighs once more. "You'd better sleep for now."
I sigh too, and feeling at peace enough in his embrace, I try to focus my mind on anything else but that train and let the sleep come to me.
After we woke up and had breakfast, that Dimitri almost shoved down my throat, we stole a couple of cars and went on our way, whichever that is.
All I know is that we're switching places. That shady motel was not safe enough.
And we drive for the entire day, making some stops from time to time to buy food and essentials for late.
Some time, an hour or two after the sun sat, he stops the car in front of an apartment building.
"What are we doing here?" I guess there won't be anything to buy from here. Could this be our final destination?
"We stay. It's safer here, in this place. I asked Ivan to find it for us. And I'll make sure we won't be found again."
"For how long?"
"I hope that you'd be safe for-"
"No, not that. I know we'll be safe. I meant, for how long do we stay here?"
"For a while. I don't know for sure for how long."
"Then, tell Ivan I said thank you."
"Speaking of Ivan, you know, your parents would-"
"No."
"No?"
"I can't… I can't speak to them. They… they'll know. And they can't know."
"But they're worried about you. They want to talk to you."
And he doesn't understand that they'll know the very second they hear my voice. They will know something is wrong, they always do, and I don't know how to tell them. I can't tell them.
"I can't talk to them. I don't know, tell them we're busy. Tell them we're on the run and I'm not allowed to speak to them. You're very convincing, I am sure you can come up with something believable."
"But-"
To avoid having the rest of this conversation, I get out of the car.
DPOV
We get upstairs and I let her there to change for the night as I bring inside the stuff we've bought along the way for our staying here.
But as I finish and want to get in our bedroom to change too, I stumble over Rose naked, fresh out of the shower.
Seeing me too, she hurries to pick up the robe that was resting on the bed, covering the front of her body.
"A little privacy, please?"
Hearing her, I smile. "Come on, love. It's not like there is something I haven't seen before."
But she doesn't smile back. She just covers herself a little more, putting the robe on, careful not to show anything in the process.
I don't move. Last night we went to bed naked. How come she got so prude all of a sudden?
"Comrade… get out."
"Roza…" I want to get further inside the room, to go to her, but I don't get the chance to.
"Fine," she says angrily as she ties her robe. "Then I'll go if you don't want to."
She picks up her pajamas and gets heading towards the bathroom.
"Rose, wait."
I walk the distance between us, but not fast enough. I get close enough to see the door of the bathroom closing in front of me.
For a second, I consider entering because there's no lock on the door, but I'm not that guy. I wouldn't barge in there. And if I]] insist, I'd surely get her angrier. And after all, she needs to get out of there at some point, so why hurry?
But what happened to her all of a sudden?
I need to figure it out before things get out of hand.
Five minutes later, she does get out of the bathroom.
In the meantime, I didn't know what else to do, so I changed too and I waited for her in bed, thinking of a way to approach this, of a way to bring up the subject of what is bothering her because I knew we'd get here sooner or later. After all, we didn't speak much on our way here and I thought it was a good idea to let her put her thoughts in order. But maybe it wasn't, after all.
But opening the door of the bathroom, it's like she started to feel like a stranger in our room. After a little stop into the doorway and looking at me, but not in my eyes, she starts walking slowly, and I'll dare say uneasy, getting closer to the bed, then stops, standing there weirdly, watching me, kneading her fingers.
"Dimitri… I…."
"It doesn't matter. Come here," I give her an impulse to move, patting the spot next to me.
Putting her hair behind her ears, she climbs in bed, moving slowly, like she'd be afraid I'll bite her.
Sitting on her calves, she extends her hand and touches mine.
"I'm sorry I acted like that earlier. I didn't mean to. I was… Sorry, Dimitri, I don't know what got over me."
I think I know. I know so damn well.
"It's alright. Come here."
Getting a hold of her hand, I pull her into my embrace.
RPOV
"How are you feeling?" he asks me, his fingers playing at the back of my head, like I love it so much.
What do I know about how I feel? I decide to tell him about the physical stuff because I don't think I can explain out loud the things that are happening on the inside.
"I am so tired. I feel like I haven't slept in months. My whole body hurts. I just want to cuddle under a mound of blankets and sleep for days. With you, please."
"Well, we're halfway there anyway, love. Shall I go bring some more blankets?"
"Do we have more blankets?" I won't say no to his offer because I feel such a coldness creeping into my bones.
"Yes," he says, already getting up and heading to one of the bags we've filled with all kinds of stuff along our way.
"Thank you, comrade."
Spreading the blanket on the bed, he gets lying next to me.
As he wants to welcome me back in his embrace, I move in such a way that I put too much weight on my hip, and it still hurts, despite the shot that Dimitri gave me a couple of hours ago. He was so fast and resourceful, getting his hands on other medical supplies, this being at the top of his list of things to do after we left that motel.
"It hurts?"
That's an understatement.
"I feel like I was hit by a car. By a fucking trunk. What about you? You don't even seem a little tired." even though he drove all day long.
"I am, love."
"You are?" I can't contain my surprise because he always seemed so stoic, just like he did last night.
"Yes. Of everything. And all I want to do is to hold you. To rest."
"I like that idea. Do it, please."
Putting his arm around my middle, he pulls me towards him gently, like he'd be afraid I'll break. But he still keeps a little distance between put bodies.
I prop my forehead against his chest and sigh.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"Can you hold me tighter?"
"But wasn't your body hurting?"
"So what? I don't care. I want you to hold me tighter."
So he does just as I asked. He dissolves the distance between our bodies and kisses my hair a couple of times.
I don't care if it hurts, what part of my body hurts. It's indifferent to me. All I know is that I want him to hold me. Forever. And to not let go. No matter what, I want to melt in his arms. It makes it all better, him holding me like this. It makes the darkness in my head diminish.
Just a little because, of course, my overthinking finally makes me speak.
"But this isn't over yet, isn't it?" will this ever be over?
"I am sorry, but not yet, love. It's not over."
"Why?"
"The word around is that Haynes is planning to sell the flash to the highest bidder, even though he hasn't made any move yet. No one has heard any word from him yet, but now that he has the flash, I am sure he will make a move. This is what he wanted all this time."
"And he won't stop, right?"
"He'll stop, one way or another," he says like a promise.
"Just be careful, Dimitri." I don't know what he has in mind and I don't know if I'll like it when I'll find out.
"Love?" I hear him just before drifting to sleep.
"What?"
"Tell me."
"Tell you what?"
"How you feel."
"I already told you."
"Yeah, but you didn't tell me how you feel here." he slips a hand between us and places it over my heart.
"I'm fine."
"Roza…"
"I am fine, Dimitri. How many times do you need to hear this?"
He sighs and holds me a little tighter and I feel my heart beating faster against his palm.
"Don't shut me out, love."
"I'm not." I just don't know what to tell him.
"You promise?"
"Yeah, I promise."
DPOV
For the past twenty hours or so, we've spent our time sleeping, cuddling, dozing off, looking at each other, sleeping some more, recovering, touching from time to time, dozing off again, leaving the bed only when it was absolutely necessary, neither of us wanting to leave the warmth of the bed and each other, not even to eat.
But there's only one thing we didn't do. We didn't talk about anything because each time I tried to bring up the subject, any subject, she either pretended she was asleep, either pretended she didn't hear me, or better, she gave me bland answers like those "I'm fine" I began to hate hearing.
So, later the day, I know we need to do something, to move, to eat, to get back to living a little normal. I somehow feel that Rose would happily let this bed swallow her emotions, but I can't let it happen. She can't fall into that hole.
As I will go to make us some dinner, I think it would do her some good to get a relaxing bath. It will do good to her aching muscles, and maybe to her mind too.
I've left her still dozing off a little as I prepare the bath, letting the tub fill with water and bubbles, and the room with swirls of steam.
I wake her up with little kisses on her face, and wow, she wakes up with a smile on her lips. Maybe tonight will be a good night.
Telling her my plan, she likes the idea. She even rewards me with a sleepy kiss, the tiredness not going away, not even after so much time spent sleeping. So it must have another source, right?
And everything was fine. I was so sure of it.
Until I did the fatal decision of asking her if she needs any help with covering her cast so that it wouldn't get wet.
Watching me with a deep frown, her voice gets the same tone as it did yesterday.
"Dimitri, I am not invalid, you know that, right?"
I don't like these sudden mood changes. It's not something typical for her. Yes, she would get angry or sad at times before too, but the force of these moods, this I haven't seen before.
"Sure, love, I know." I get closer to her, and this time, unlike last night, she lets me. "Sorry about that." I kiss her forehead and caress her cheek. "Enjoy your bath."
The anger washing away from her features, she smiles a little, even if it's a little forced. "Thank you."
RPOV
Putting a cover over my cast and getting undressed, I immerse myself into the bubbly, hot as hell water fast and let it burn my skin, the physical pain being more distracting than everything that has happened to me lately, but still enjoyable, as my muscles get a chance to relax after what they've been through.
Resting my back onto the bathtub, I sit there, almost fully immersed into the water, feeling like I am running a fever and I listen to the faucet dripping slowly, one drop at a time, filling the silence in this room, as my eyes move on the ceiling, focusing my attention on looking for any cracks, trying to ignore everything else around me and inside me.
DPOV
She still hasn't come around here.
Yes, I got a little carried away in here with cooking and I lost track of time, but I told her where I'd be, and still, after so much time, she didn't come. Maybe she decided to go back to sleep?
Heading back inside the bedroom, I see that she didn't even get out of the bathroom.
I knock on the door a couple of times, but there's no response.
Getting more than worried that something might have happened to her, I decide to get inside, screw the manners.
I enter and I find her still in the water, knees pulled up under her chin and her cheek resting on them. She is looking at the water as she is making little waves, tapping her index onto the surface of the water.
"Roza?"
I don't manage to get her attention from the first try. I need to call her a couple more times and even to wiggle my hand in front of her eyes to get a reaction.
She lifts her head and looks at me surprised.
"Hey…" she frowns and puts her hair behind her ears. "What are you doing here? When did you even get in here?"
I crouch in front of her and she comes closer to the edge, letting me take her wrinkly hands in mine.
"I'm sorry I barged in here, but I knocked and you didn't answer."
"Oh…"
"And now, the question is what you're doing?"
"I am um… taking a bath, isn't that obvious?"
"It is. But you have been in here for the past… I think it's close to one hour and a half, love."
"Really? I did?"
"Yes. Are you okay? Are you feeling fine?"
"Of course I am." of course she's lying to me again. "I just didn't realize how fast the time has passed."
"Is that so?" I wonder what made her lose track of time.
"Aham. You see, I could always feel better when I am in or around water." so she was feeling bad to begin with, if she mentions water making her feel better. "The way it moves and forms little waves is mesmerizing for me." she even shows me, her fingers repeating the previous gesture, forming waves in the bathtub. "I'd be able to spend all my time watching the water moving. You know how weird I am."
"And you know I don't believe that."
She smiles a little. "You know, when I was little my mother used to tell me that I should have been born a fish. And who knows, maybe I would have had a simpler life as one," she ends with a sigh, and I get a glimpse of the sadness that made her lose track of time.
"Well, love, you can be my mermaid."
She chuckles. "Oh, comrade."
She lifts a little and reaches up to kiss me, and I, getting a hold of her cheeks, I deepen the kiss as much as I can from this position.
When we pull apart, I check on the water and I get a confirmation of what I already thought. It is cold.
I get a hold of her shoulders, and walking my palms across her skin, she is cold too, even shivering a little, despite the fact that, for whatever reason, her cheeks and palms were warm enough.
"Let's get you out of here. You must be freezing. Or better, I think I should get you warm first."
Getting rid of the water and replacing it with a hot one would take too much.
So using the shower would be faster. But I should pull the curtain. But that would leave me on the outside.
You know what? I'll get in there too.
As I get undressed and the bathtub is emptying, Rose watches me, but her mind is somewhere far away.
Getting her to her feet and getting inside the bathtub, I get the hot water running over us.
"Have you washed anything?"
She shakes her head at first, but then seems to remember something.
"My hair."
"Can I do the rest?" this time, she nods.
I reach for the shower gel, and spreading it on my palms, I start walking them on her body, moving slowly and gently, careful not to touch any purple spots on her skin.
Getting close to her hips, I crouch in front of her to get to properly clean the healing wound.
"How's this?"
"Better, she sighs."
"What do you feel about leaving it uncovered for the night? Lissa said it would help."
"Yeah, sure. Whatever you think it's best."
When I get back up and reach her neck, walking my fingers past the bruises there, she turns her head to one side and sniffs my hand.
She smiles a little. "So this is where you smelled good from. That saltiness..."
"Sorry love. I reached for mine from habit. I brought one for you too. If you want I coul-"
"No, there's no biggie. I don't want another scent. I love smelling like you, so don't change it"
"As you wish."
Turning her around, I see the other damage on her body. She has lost a lot of weight in what? Two-three days? Passing my palms along her ribs, I can feel them perfectly, I can count them without much effort, as they're popping on the sides.
At a further inspection, there is no bad bruise, no cut, no scar, nothing to hurt badly here, on her back. But I can only imagine what is happening on the inside, in her heart.
Wrapping my arms on her from behind and kiss her shoulder, I rest my chin there, where I stay for a minute.
"How are you, love?" please, please, please answer. "Tell me." please.
She shrugs and her palms come resting over mine, so I get a hold of them, for her to know I'm here.
"I don't know anymore, Dimitri. I don't know." she turns around and looks at me, smiling weakly, then brings her hand up to walk her fingers along my cheek. "I don't think I feel anything but that right now. Besides hurting. Everything hurts." sighing, she props her forehead on my chest. "My whole body hurts. In, and out. That's all I can feel now. Hurting. And I am sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"For being such a trouble. I'm such a bitch to you. I'm mean and I-"
"Hush, Roza. Don't say that. It's okay. I understand. Everything is alright now. Or… it will be."
"I know." she kisses my collarbone. "Just thanks to you. You make everything alright." she holds me tighter. "You always do."
We sit in here some more, in silence, the hot water running over us, as I'm waiting for her body to stop shivering for good.
"Dimitri?"
"Yes?"
"I am tired. Can we get out of here?"
"Sure, love."
I wrap a towel on her and I feel her still shivering under it. And her skin has goosebumps all over.
"You're still cold, love."
"Not really. It's just the change of temperature."
"Sure. Anything you say. But the way you are shaking is giving you away anyway."
Her only response is a shrug, knowing I caught her lying.
I start wiping her, brushing vigorously the towel on her skin, trying to heat her a little more.
"Can I take that?" she asks as I got a hold of my T-shirt, wanting to reach her clothes that were underneath.
"Sure, love." if it makes her better, she can take all of my clothes. "Now, let's get you to eat something."
"I am not hungry, Dimitri."
"The hell you're-"
"Please. I just want to sleep."
"Just a bite. I made you pasta. With lots of cheese. Like, a ton of it."
"I'd love to, and I appreciate that you spent so much time making them, but-"
"You don't even have to go to the kitchen. I'll bring you some to bed."
"You're not going to give up on that easily, won't you?"
"Not at all."
"Fine, Then I guess I coul-"
"Great." I can't contain the happiness in my voice at hearing her words. "Let's go."
In my excitement and not wanting her to change her mind, I guide her inside the room and sit her on the bed.
"Wait for me. I'll be back in a second."
In less than two minutes I am back with a plate of pasta and she even tries to smile at its sight.
But seeing her force each piece of pasta down her throat after she chews it for a thousand times, just for my sake, it feels like I am torturing her.
"Roza, stop."
"Huh? Why?"
"You don't want to eat that."
She smiles, but it's a sad one. "No, I do, I-"
"No. It's alright. I shouldn't force you." a little pushing, maybe, but not this.
"You're not, but I am just not hungry now. If I get hungry, you'll be the first to know."
"Promise?"
"I swear."
"Good."
Taking the plate from her, I take it back to the kitchen.
When I come back, she's already lying, cuddling under the blankets, eyes closed.
I lie too, facing her. I don't know if she already fell asleep or she's just faking it to avoid me and my questions again, but I need to try again.
"Love?"
"Huh?" she asks getting a little scared and a little up on her elbow. "What happened?" so she was close to sleeping. My bad.
"Nothing happened. Just… tell me, Roza."
She growls lightly and snuggles closer to me, her head finding comfort into the crook of my neck, hiding.
"Dimitri, please. I don't have what to tell you."
"Tell me how you feel."
"You know how I feel."
"I want you to tell me."
"I already told you."
"Then tell me again. But use more words this time, please." her only response is to not respond at all. "Rose?" still, no answer. She just starts breathing a little heavier. "Love, come on."
"I want to sleep." she tilts her head and looks at me, biting her lip. "Please."
I sigh, defeated again, and nod.
She sighs too. "Dimitri… I… look... I'm not trying to be difficult, but… I really don't know what to say and you keep on asking me this. You want me to tell you something, but I don't know what to tell you. I don't have an answer."
"Alright. I'll wait for when you'll have one."
For the next days, nothing changes, nothing gets better. On the contrary maybe. It seems to start getting worse.
She mostly- always sits in bed. She doesn't eat more than three bites of whatever I bring her. She doesn't want to talk.
When I asked her what she'd like to do, she told me that she'd like to read something. So I barged into the first bookshop I found and bought her a million books.
And since then, that's what she started to do all day long. She reads. She reads a lot and drinks tea because she likes how warm it feels. Just like my embrace, as she keeps on reminding me on the little times we speak.
That's all.
Oh, and she cuddles into my embrace a lot. Like, each time we are close, she drops anything she was doing and comes closer to me, not saying anything, but like silently asking me to hold her, which I instantly do. She needs to know I am here for her, no matter what.
But she has visibly shut down. From the bubbly, jolly, funny, open person she was, she got like this, dark, sad and quiet, and I have no idea how to make things better, even though I am trying everything that comes to my mind. But I'm afraid I'll run out of things to try.
RPOV
I wake up for God knows what day in a row with Dimitri not in bed. Again, he's probably in the kitchen cooking something for me that I will feel so bad for not being able to eat. I wish I could. But I don't feel like it. I never do. And he's trying so hard to come up with the best meals, and they're so tasty, he's such a good cook, but I can't bring myself to eat anything. I know I'm disappointing him, but I physically can't.
But maybe this morning I could stop him before he cooks anything. Yeah, I could go there and tell him not to bother, to spare him of this effort he took onto himself of keeping me to be a functional being. I love him for this, but I feel like the biggest burden on the earth.
Pushing the covers off me and leaving their warmth, I get up to my feet and head towards the kitchen.
But on my way, I hear no noise coming from that room.
Getting there, the kitchen is empty.
So, he was not in the bed with me, he's not in the living room as I just passed through there, he's not here, in the kitchen.
Could he be in the bathroom?
I'll go search there too. He must be there, where else could he be?
But turning the light on in the bathroom, it is empty.
He is nowhere to be found.
"Dimitri?"
No answer.
I call again, my voice getting a little louder as I am heading into the living room to look in there once more. I must have missed him, that's it.
But still, no one answers me.
He is not here.
Where is he?
What do I do now, alone?
Did he leave?
Why wouldn't he? He got tired of you being like this. You're a trouble. A burden.
I'll get better, I promise.
God, I'm alone in here.
He… he left me here?
You pushed him away so many times. What else did you expect? That he'd stay forever?
I'll try harder, I promise. I'll get better.
But still, he doesn't come back, no matter how much I am asking for it in my head.
He left me.
I take a seat on the edge of the sofa as I feel my feet ready to be swept off from under me.
I'm alone.
All alone.
All by myself.
I don't remember for how long I've sat there and looked at nothing in particular, trying to feel something about this. But I couldn't. I tried to cry, tried to laugh in exasperation, tried to grab this mug on the table in front of me and throw it against the wall, but I couldn't move a muscle.
Until I heard the door unlock.
"Dimitri?" I ask, my voice full of hope.
"Rose? Yes, it's me."
Finally finding the power to move, I get off the sofa and rush towards the front door, calling his name the whole time, just to make sure it's him.
DPOV
Hearing her distressed voice calling my name over and over again, I get it there's something wrong going on.
Turning the corner of the little hallway, she almost bumps into me, as I was rushing to get to her.
"You're here," she says relieved. "You didn't leave me."
"What?"
But she doesn't get the time to answer me.
The next thing I know, her face is crumpling and she lets out a faint wail, letting herself fall to the floor.
As she wants to lift her hands to cover her face trying to suppress another wail, I kneel in front of her and take her hands in mine, bringing them up to my lips and kissing her trembling knuckles.
"Hey, hey, what happened, love? What's the matter?"
"Where were you?!"
"I was at the coffee shop nearby to get you waffles. I thought you'd like some, love."
"I thought that you left me!"
"Roza…" I drag her closer to me and place soft kisses on her face, as my thumbs are looking for tears to wipe, but there are none, even though she's sobbing hard.
"I woke up and you were gone and I… I was alone…" she hiccups each word. "You… I couldn't find you. You were gone and you were nowhere to be found in here and I-"
"I am sorry, love. I should have left you a note. But I thought that you won't wake up soon. You usually don't wake up this early."
"No, I am sorry." she pulls away shaking her head. "It's not your fault, it's mine."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because I am an idiot. I am being like this for a stupid reason. I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of this. I'm acting stupid."
"Oh, love, don't say that."
I take her back in my embrace and soothe her back. She sighs and holds me tight.
"I thought you left. That you left me to be alone in here. All alone, by myself," she whispers each word like she's afraid of saying these things out loud, like the fact that she's saying them would make them true.
But how could she think that I'd leave?
"Never. I'd never do that, do you hear me? Never. Ever. Not in a million years."
"Do you promise?"
"I swear."
After a minute or so of peaceful silence in which she has calmed down her tearless sobs, she pulls away a little.
"Did… did you say you got waffles?" she even tries a smile.
"I did, love. You want some?"
"I'd love to," she lies, again, just for my sake. But I'll take it. Each bite feels like a little win.
"Some coffee too?"
"If it's warm, it doesn't matter."
Getting into the kitchen, instead of coffee, I prepare her something that has worked countless times on the seven-years-old me that wasn't hungry.
I put the steaming cup in front of her and she latches onto it like always, for warmth.
But taking a sip of it, she doesn't like the taste, I see it on her face as she scrunches her nose.
"What is this? This is not coffee. And it's so bitter."
"It's chicory."
"Why?"
"It will do you good? I hope it will at least make her hungry." even just a little. I'd like to get her to take a fourth bite of anything. "You've lost your appetite this past week. We should do something about it."
She didn't eat any proper meals in seven days. It's been seven hard days ever since we came to this apartment and maybe she doesn't see it, but she has lost some more weight that she already had, and I don't like seeing her be nothing but skin and bone.
It is consuming her, his death, and I am well aware of it, but she keeps on avoiding it by saying she is fine.
And I swear I get her. I've been there. But it is still killing me on the inside and I can't sit around and do nothing.
She shrugs. "I doubt that some warm, bitter beverage will make it all better, but if you think it will, in any way, I'll try it."
This is a change of attitude. I don't know, she sounded… hopeful? She said she'll try it. Until now, she didn't want to try anything.
"Dimitri?" she gets me out of my head.
"Yes?"
"Would it be okay if I go take a shower before we eat?"
"Sure." as long as she doesn't give up on the eating part, I'll wait for as long as it takes.
But ten minutes later, when she comes out of our room and gets in front of the sofa that I was waiting for her on, I don't see anymore that hope I saw earlier in her.
She stopped in front of me, just into the little daylight that was coming inside the room through the pulled drapes. She is still dressed in one of my T-shirts, but she's wearing a thick cardigan now, that she's keeping tightly wrapped on her. She must be cold, even though the weather is not that bad these days and anyway, the thermostat is set high in here. This cannot be good at all.
Her hair is put up in a bun from the shower and in this light that's falling only on her features, I can distinguish better her haggard face, the dark circles under her eyes. It's such a beautiful morning that would have made her so happy, but now, she looks like a ghost of the old her.
"Dimitri, can you do something for me?"
"Yes, sure. Anything. Name it."
"Can you… um... do you think you can hold me for a while?" she brushes on her arms and looks away. "Like, in your embrace?"
"Oh, Roza. Come to me. I'll hold you whenever you want, for as long as you need."
Moving a little uneasy, she places herself on my lap and makes herself little, getting her hands close to each other and on her chest, pulling her legs up too, turning into a little ball on me. She is so small, so fragile against my chest.
I put my arms around her and soothe her back as I keep her tight and hopefully warm.
"I'm sorry."
"Hush, don't say that."
"But I…"
At first sobbing lightly, as the minutes pass, she eventually starts crying. After a week, I see again tears in her eyes, and I know it shouldn't make me happy to see her like this, but she is letting it all out and I am happy about it.
She has been strong for far too long, she kept it in for just as much. She deserves her time to suffer, other than in silence. Let her break as bad as she wants. I won't stop her. I'll only be here to hold her.
I feel her press her cheek more strongly into my chest as she tries to suppress a wail.
"It's fine, Roza. Let it all out."
"You… you know that... each time you asked me how… how I'm feeling... I would always… tell you I'm fine?"
"I do." no matter how many times I asked, that was the only response I got.
"I… I think I am not... fine." her whole body shaking with sobs, she lifts a little, her teary eyes looking back in mine. "I know I said I was. But... I don't think I am. I think I need a little help." she starts crying harder. "Or more than a little? I feel awful, Dimitri. It's too much. And I can't make it stop. I thought I can forget it, make it stop coming to me, that moment, but I can't. I dream it at night," she is? I feared that she would have night terrors again, but I didn't see any sign of that. I spent countless hours at night watching for any distress, for any sign of a nightmare, but I didn't find any. "I see it even when I'm awake, I feel the gun in my hands, its weight, I sense the smell of the gunpowder, I hear that shot over and over again, I see his head… and- and all that blood on you… It's too much. Too much. I know now that I can't do this by myself and when I couldn't find you earlier today, God, it scared me so much the thought of being alone, of you leaving. You… you're the only one that makes this mess better. I'm a mess and I can't… I'm sorry."
"Oh, love. It's okay. You're alright. You'll be alright, I promise. I am here and I'm not leaving. Never. We'll deal with it, love, whatever it is, whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes us. Anything you need."
"You're so good to me and all I've been in return is a bitch," she says through hiccups and tears. "I'm horrible."
"You're not."
"I am. You're just too good to say it."
She'll soon remain breathless if she doesn't calm down or she'll choke on the sobs she's trying to suppress.
I pull her back to me and lay her head on my chest.
"Roza, do you hear my heartbeat? Do you feel it?" bringing her palm over my heart too, she nods. "Good. Just focus on that, love. Focus on that now, nothing else. Take it easy. Breathe for me. Steady. In, and out. We'll figure this out together."
A minute later, she calms down a little.
"Dimitri?" she gets up and wipes her tears and her runny nose with the sleeves of the cardigan. "Say something, please. About..."
"I don't know what to say, love."
None of my words seem to be able to resolve anything. I thought it was bad, I expected it to be. But not this bad. I didn't imagine she was going through so much, that she was suffering so much.
"You're upset."
"No. I am not."
"But all I have said… and done and-"
"I could never get upset with you for this. No, love. I'm not upset, I promise. I'm glad you told me."
"Then, you are disappointed with me. There is something about you. The way you look at me… I fucked up again, didn't I? I did. I always do. I am such-"
"Hey. No, it's not that. I just wish you told me all these things earlier. Before they got this bad for you. You've been bottling this up for all this time… You can tell me anything, anytime, about whatever you want, you know that, right?"
"I do. I really do. You're right. I should have told you. I'm sorry. I was an idiot to think I could get better in a flash. But I don't know… this time… maybe I was ashamed of it. I think I am ashamed of it. Of what I've done… I deserve to feel like this."
I feel the torment in her voice, and she is sitting here, broken, in front of me, only pain present in her eyes. She really believes she deserves this torture.
"No. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you don't deserve this."
"I don't know how to be better now. I can't. I'm sorry I am like this. I don't know what to do." she starts sobbing again.
"No. Don't be sorry for anything. It's normal to react like that, to feel that. You don't have to be better in any way. And I know you are upset and sad and you feel so many other things, and I don't know either what to do to make it better. I wish I would, God how I wish that, but… I don't. I don't know either, love."
"I am such a mess. I'm-"
"You are not."
"Look at me, Dimitri. Look at me and tell me that I don't look like a complete mess. Because let me tell you that that is how I feel. I am a mess. A complete disaster. I don't even think I can… I can't…"
"Roza, you are stronger than you think."
She laughs through the tears that are still falling on her cheeks, silently.
"Then why don't I feel like it?"
"Because everyone is allowed to break sometimes."
She smiles and pats my cheek. "Always so deep, comrade. Even you?"
"Even me what?"
"Break." I nod. "When do you break, Dimitri?"
I brush the tip of my nose against hers, then move upward, kissing her forehead.
"When I see you hurting, it breaks something in me." I drag her closer to me, laying her head on my shoulder and I start soothing her hair. "And when there is nothing I can do to make it better. To make it go away. I hate seeing you like this. So please, anything you need, just let me know. I would do anything in my powers to help you deal with this." she squeezes on me until it gets a little harder to breathe, but I don't stop her. "I can only tell you that whatever you need, I'm here. I'm not leaving."
"This helps," she whispers.
"It does?"
"Yes. So much."
"Would lying down make it better?" I guess this position is not that beneficial for her hip.
"Don't know. All I know is that I don't want you to let go of me."
"I am not, Roza. Never."
Getting us to lay on our sides, we face each other as I'm still keeping her close to me, as I've promised.
"Comrade?"
"Yes?"
"Would you kiss me? On my forehead, as I love it?"
I laugh lightly. "Sure, love."
Putting some strands of hair behind her ear, I tilt her head and place my lips on her forehead, kissing her softly.
"Was this good?"
Smiling a little, she nods and turns into a little kitten, nudging her nose along my neck, the only thing missing being her starting to purr.
She soon finds my hand on her hip and bringing it up on the sofa in front of her, she starts contouring my fingers, studying it.
"I like it when you touch me like this. When you hold me. You make all the bad go away." she brings my hand up to her lips and kisses the inside of my palm, then lets it rest on her cheek.
"I wish you would have never had to go through this, Roza. I wish it never happened."
She shrugs. "But it happened. And the worst thing is that I don't think I can… I am so-"
My hand already close to her mouth, I stop her speaking.
"Whatever you wanted to say next, don't. It is not like that. You're not anything you wanted to say. And it is not happening, whatever you were thinking of. Nothing bad will happen. And no matter how much it takes, we'll get through it. Together, love. You'll be fine. I'll always be here for you."
Tilting her head, her eyes are again filled with tears.
"I love you, Dimitri."
"I love you too."
She smiles. "Bout time you said that, you know?"
The side of my mouth lifts in an amused smile. "Is that so?"
"Aham." she bites the inside of her cheek. "You know… I kinda started wondering if you… if I shoul-"
I kiss her on her temple as I hold her tighter in my arms.
"I am sorry I didn't say it earlier. I should have, but I never thought it would be right for you for me to say it. And I didn't know you wanted to hear it that badly before. I'm sorry if I left you wondering."
"Well, at least I felt it."
"You did?"
"Aren't you a man of action and not one of words?" I smile. I've always considered words to be useless, pointless, empty lies. Everybody can make promises. I like keeping them. "But even though… can you say it again?"
I laugh a little more and resting my lips on her forehead again, I tell her.
"I love you, Roza. So, so much."
Lowering myself so that I could reach her ear, I whisper a promise, once again.
"It will all be alright Roza. Everything will."
She passes a hand through my hair and her lips along my neck.
"As long as you are here, I know it will."
"But there's one more thing we need to do."
"What?"
Getting off the sofa, I urge her to climb on my back.
"Why?"
"Hop up and you'll find out."
Wrapping her arms on my neck and her legs around my waist, I start walking.
"Where are we going?"
"Always so impatient, huh?"
"You know I am."
"I am taking you to eat something."
"But I am not hungry," she protests just as I bend and let her sit on a chair in the kitchen.
I turn around and watch her with my arms crossed.
"Rose, do you remember the last time you ate?"
She thinks about it, her eyes deliberately avoiding mine, then she shakes her head.
"I do. And it was yesterday morning when I shoved some cereal down your throat. You can't keep on going like this for longer. I can't let you do it for longer. I can't watch you starve yourself. So you're going to eat something now, either if you get upset with me for it or not."
"You're right. I should eat…"
I bend and give her a peck. "Oh, how I like it when we're on the same page. Do you want some tea too?"
"That would be nice. If it's-"
"Warm, yes, I know, love. Sugar or honey?"
"Honey, please."
Getting the waffles I bought and some other goodies that I know she likes, I put them on a plate and I put it, along with a chamomile tea, in front of her.
"Now you have to eat everything," I start my speech while I sit down too. "We are not leaving this kitchen until you do so. I want an empty plate and I'll tie you to this chair if I have to."
She looks at me, and smiling, she leans over and gets her palm on my cheek.
"You are so good to me."
"Oh, Rose." I kiss the inside of her palm. "You deserve so much more than this."
It's the least I can do. After everything that has happened in her life, she deserves so much more and I can only do so little. She deserves someone who would treat her like a goddess. I don't know if I will be enough to make her feel like that, but to hell if I will not do my best to make her the happiest she has ever been.
"Why, Dimitri?"
I smile. "What a silly question. You're my girl, Roza. I'd do anything for you."
She smiles too and bites her lip. "You're so sweet, Dimitri. I like how that sounds."
"Then I'll make sure I'll say it more often. Now, come on, eat."
"You too."
"I am not hungry."
"When did you eat last time, comrade?"
"I don't remember." I couldn't eat knowing that she didn't.
She smiles. "And you worry about me, huh?"
"Fine. If I eat, will you?"
"Sure."
As I wash the dishes, she wanted to remain in the kitchen and keep me company. But as I try to talk to her, to keep her mind busy for a little longer, I see that Rose is already far gone, looking at her palms which are extended in front of her, on the table.
But no matter what I say, she is way too lost in that action to hear me, thinking of God knows what while her features fill with anger- no, with rage, a deep violence that is making her chocolate eyes darker than ever. And even though her eyes are teary she is not crying anymore as she is watching her palms and she fists them so hard that I start thinking her nails have dug too deep into her skin and that some blood might start spilling soon.
I sit on the chair across the table in front of her and take her tense hands in mine. I want to unclench her fists, but she resists me for a second, probably taken by surprise.
She lifts her eyes and when she looks at me, she blinks twice, the rage washing away from her eyes, and she looks at me so full of love, her whole being seeming to get calmer at my sight.
But I know better than this. That rage isn't completely gone. She is only hiding it, and it will continue to grow until it will consume her completely.
"Were you telling me something?" she asks concerned. "I wasn't quite paying attention to you."
"Yeah, I saw that."
"Sorry."
"I told you you don't have to apologize for such things."
She sighs deeply, a sigh that hides so much pain and then, she finds the power to smile at me. Faintly, but still.
I continue to soothe her hands and, as I'm inspecting her palms, there's no blood spilled, thank God.
"Comrade?"
"What happened?"
She bites her lip and I see her eyes filling with tears once more.
"Do you…" she clears her throat. "Do you think I am a bad person?"
"No, love. No. Definitely not." I squeeze on her hands. "Never. You could never be that."
"Then why can't I stop feeling like one?" her voice breaks with this question.
"No, don't do that to yourself. Come here. Come to me."
I drag her towards me and she lifts from her chair and comes to sit on my lap, wrapping herself on me with her legs around my hips and her arms around my neck, laying her head on my shoulder. I start soothing her back and she sighs so deeply that even I feel the hurting in that gesture.
"It's hard, I know. It happened to me too. I wish you would never have had to go through this, love."
She starts sobbing lightly and holds me tighter. "I am so sorry I did it. I'm so sorry I killed him."
"I know you are. And this is what makes you not be a bad person."
"But I am. I killed him."
"You are not. Look at me." I pull her away and make her look at me so that she knows I mean each word I say. "There isn't another soul on this planet that's more caring and understanding, and good, and loving than you. No one. You're not bad, nor evil or whatever you think. You're not that."
"I wanted... I wanted to kill him."
"No, love. You-"
"Yes, I did, that's the thing. I wanted him to die. Seeing you two... I wanted him to die. Because he could have killed you."
"Yes, maybe you wanted that, to see him dead. But you didn't want to kill him. You had to."
"It was either you or him and I couldn't… I couldn't let you die…"
"I know. And I wish you wouldn't ever have to make this choice. I am sorry. You did it for me."
"I couldn't let you die. Without you…"
"Sometimes I wish you wouldn't have done it." it's not worth the pain she's going through. Nothing's worth it.
"Don't you ever say that again," she says upset. "How can you say that?"
"But Roza, look how much you are suffering because of me."
"You didn't make me do it. I chose that. I pulled the trigger. I did that."
"But I have taught you to do it."
"I would have done it even if you didn't teach me. I have thought a lot about this. And I realized that I would have done it either way. I would do it again if I'd have to. I wouldn't choose differently. If it were for me to choose between your life or someone else's, it wouldn't have mattered, I would have made the same choice. I am glad I did it because that means I didn't lose you. I am glad I killed him. That makes me a bad person."
"Love..." I cup her cheeks and pull her closer, and she rests her forehead on mine.
"I'm awful."
"You're not. You had to. It's different. You… you're not a bad person." she didn't do what I've done.
"Can you tell me how… how it was for you? When it um.. happened to you for the first time? When…"
"When I first killed someone?"
She nods. "If you want to tell… If you feel like..." I never feel like it, but I feel like it would help her, hearing this.
"It was supposed to be simple. It always is. You only get a name and a place where to find that person. No one tells you anything about them. You don't have to know anything about them. No past, no actions, no nothing. You just get the face and the name of the one you have to find and kill. My first was no different. So I went to his house. And…"
I can still remember the giggles and the red, red hair she had. She was a perfect copy of her father. And so jolly. So little.
"And?"
"And I have seen, in the front yard, a kid playing. It was a little girl. Four or five years old. She was with some of her friends. And a couple of them saw me too." Rose's face crumbles with sadness, probably anticipating what I'm about to say. "You are told to never leave witnesses behind."
"Oh my God, I am so sorry."
"No. Don't be. I didn't kill any of them."
"But you said…"
"I couldn't. I had to, I was supposed to, I knew I had to, no matter what, but I just couldn't. They were so little. Some kids, playing outside. They had no fault. Even though they have taught me so many things there and I was listening to them blindly, without a single question, that day I learned I had my limits. And that day too I have promised myself to never hurt any innocent people. Never again, as much as it's possible."
"And what did you do?"
"I found him, her father. He was in the yard too, in the back of the house, being around to watch the girls, making sure they're safe. And when he saw me, he somehow knew why I was there."
"Did he fight you? Did he run?"
"No. He was no coward. He came to me and agreed to go on a walk with me. He proposed it, so that the girls wouldn't have to find him dead in the backyard. And we walked to a place nearby and I did it. He didn't protest, fought me and didn't even try to talk me out of it. He didn't ask me not to do it. Somehow, I was grateful that he didn't do any of those things because I don't think I would have been able to do it if he would have asked me not to do it. I was about to leave a little girl without a father and I loathed myself for doing it. Him fighting or begging would have only made it harder."
"When... Um... How old were you?"
"Does it matter?"
"I want to know."
"Fifteen."
"What? Oh my God, Dimitri, I am so sorry."
"Don't feel sorry for me, Rose. I don't deserve it. He was a good man. And I killed him."
"Didn't he do anything? Like… bad?"
"No. Out of all the people I have had to kill, out of all the people I've killed so many years, only my first didn't do anything to anyone, for all his life. He had unfortunately made the mistake to say no to the wrong people, that's all. He stood his ground in front of the wrong people. He was a good man, a man with a spine, a fair man, with a loving family that mourned him for days. Weeks."
"You've been there? When… they buried him?"
"Yes. I don't know why, but I went there. I know I shouldn't have shown my face there, I was his killer after all, but I went. I don't know what I was looking for, though." the look in his daughter's eyes when they put her father into the ground?
"But… couldn't you… I don't know, say no to it?"
"No. No one says no to the first contract. It's a little complicated."
"It's like, an initiation?"
"You can call it like that if you want to. It was my first contract and I wasn't the one who has chosen it and no one has informed me of anything. I have only found everything else later when it wasn't longer relevant. Not that I would try to find excuses for myself now because I am not. But after that, I was allowed to choose. That's how it works. And I continued to choose, as much as I ever had a choice."
"I have chosen too."
"I'm inclined to say that you were mostly obliged by the circumstances."
"But still. I've made a choice. And I've got to live with it now. To live with myself, knowing I've made that decision."
"Yes, love, we all are. That's part of living."
